Hey 3.5 readers.
So it has come to my attention that it is possible to hire a dude on Fiverr who will literally record a video of himself juggling a chainsaw with the name of your website written on the saw.
God bless you, Internet.
At the time of this post, I have 2,068 WordPress followers. When I get to 3,500 I will hire chainsaw man to make a video and post it here.
So…hit that follow button. Tell your friends. 3,500 WordPress followers = super awesome chainsaw juggling video.
Hey 3.5 readers.
OK. The coveted best picture award. Who will win?
Let’s talk about Hollywood’s many problems this year.
First of all, if you love Donald Trump or if you hate Donald Trump, I feel like the whole “let’s make the awards shows super political” trend has been backfiring on Hollywood. The average person goes to movies for entertainment purposes. The average person turns on the Oscars for entertainment purposes. The average person will make up their mind on politics based on their own beliefs, values, research, what have you. There really won’t be any people saying, “Huh, that celebrity thinks this so I should think this.”
It also comes off as a bit disingenuous. I mean, these people live lives the average person can’t possibly fathom. They wear suits and gowns to an event that cost more than the average salaries of like 50 people combined and then they probably just throw those clothes away and never wear them again.
They live in fancy mansions, can buy whatever they want and get paid piles of money to play pretend all day. Some do a better job of reaching out to those in need than others but all in all, I just don’t see any of these celebrities opening up one of the several homes they own to shelter poor people in need. Hell, if they took like a one percent pay cut the people who fetch their coffee on set could probably earn a living wage.
All I’m saying is that it’s better to do than to say. Celebrities say a lot. They don’t do a lot and it’s ironic because they’re in a better position to do than anyone.
3.5 READERS: Do you have a point, BQB?
Yes. Thank you, 3.5.
This year, the Best Picture Nominees are:
Arrival
Fences
Hacksaw Ridge
Hell or High Water
Hidden Figures
La La Land
Lion
Manchester by the Sea
Moonlight
WHO SHOULD WIN: Though I haven’t seen it, my gut tells me any film but La La Land. The plight of the forgotten, struggling people who keep working but never get ahead has been forefront on the public’s mind this past year.
Reflecting that mindset, you’ve got Fences, about a father who is poor and has been knocked around and yells at his son to stop dreaming about becoming a football player and get a regular, boring job and it becomes hard to tell whether the father is trying to give the kid tough love by telling him to stop chasing pie in the sky dreams and focus on reality or if the old man is so pissed off that he never made it that he feels inner jealousy at the idea of his son doing better than him.
You’ve got Hell or High Water, about two brothers cheated out of the family farm by a corrupt bank so they go on a bank robbery spree as an act of revenge against the bank that done them wrong. The idea that people who depended on farms, factories, and other ever dwindling blue collar jobs are being forgotten is prevalent in the film.
In Manchester by the Sea, a troubled man has to raise his nephew when his brother dies. Stepping up to do more when a relied upon family member dies is something the average people can relate to.
Moonlight – Cuban born drug dealer tries to be a part of his bullied son’s life. A lot of people can relate to bullying, struggles with drugs and drug related crime, trying to make it as an immigrant and so on.
Hacksaw Ridge – Son tired of seeing his father beat his mother becomes so disgusted by violence that he refuses to carry a gun when he signs up to become a World War II army medic and overcomes threats of court martial and imprisonment due to his refusal to carry a weapon. His abhorrence of violence drives him to become the best medic ever, single handedly saving tons of wounded men by dragging them down the side of Hacksaw Ridge on a rope while Japanese forces are in hot pursuit.
Hidden Figures – In the 1960s, black women overcome stereotypical views held by society about black people and women to become mathematicians, helping America win the space race.
Lion – An Indian kid gets so hopelessly lost that he is unable to find his family again. He is adopted by an Australian couple, then years later, uses Google to locate his original family, thus highlighting how new forms of technology have helped people who in the past were not able to be helped.
La La Land – Gosling and Stone fall and love and sing and dance and shit.
WHAT WILL WIN: La La Land. And, OK, I haven’t seen it. Maybe it’s good. But this is the problem. Hollywood already gave the Oscar to a shitty love letter film to Hollywood’s greatness called Birdman in 2014, and that movie was truly a pile of crap. It really was.
So I just think Hollywood is going to end up with a lot of egg on its face this year. All the stars are going to rant and rave about how the government doesn’t do enough about poverty and how no one worries about poor struggling people and then all of the films about poor struggling people are going to get screwed over in honor of the film about two pretty people who have nothing better to do than fall in love and sing and dance and shit.
Hey 3.5 readers. A reminder, the Oscars are too pretty. We ugly people are tired of not seeing anyone as ugly as we are on the silver screen. We’re here. We’re ugly. Get used to our wretched ugliness. #OscarsSoPretty
However, if you want to check out the anti-ugly Oscars between Walking Dead commercial breaks, it’s a free country.
Here are my Oscar predictions:
BEST ACTOR
THE NOMINEES:
Casey Affleck – Manchester by the Sea
Ryan Gosling – La La Land
Andrew Garfield – Hacksaw Ridge
Viggo Mortensen – Captain Fantastic
Denzel Washington – Fences
WHO SHOULD WIN: Denzel is getting up there in years, though he’s still hanging in there. He’s won before, but this might be one of the last few chances for him to take home Oscar gold before he moves into that stage where he starts playing Grampa. Viggo Mortensen has also been a staple of Hollywood for a long time but has yet to take home a statue.
WHO WILL WIN: Either Casey Affleck, because Hollywood loves the Afflecks, or Ryan Gosling because it appears that La La Land is going to sweep the awards. If I have to choose, I’ll go with Gosling.
BEST ACTRESS
Isabelle Huppert – Elle
Ruth Negga – Loving
Natalie Portman – Jackie
Emma Stone – La La Land
Meryl Streep – Florence Foster Jenkins
WHO SHOULD WIN: Emma Stone. She’s a rare combination of beauty and personality, a hot chick who seems like she’s read a book. Though she’s young, she’s been in the entertainment game a long time and Hollywood loves her. Had Natalie Portman not taken home the gold for Black Swan, I’d say give it to her though since she’s been in the game longer. As for Meryl Streep, she really doesn’t need another one.
WHO SHOULD WIN: Emma Stone. All reports indicate it is La La Land’s year.
BEST SUPPORTING ACTOR
NOMINEES:
Masherala Ali – Moonlight
Jeff Bridges – Hell or High Water
Lucas Hedges – Manchester by the Sea
Dev Patel – Lion
Michael Shannon – Nocturnal Animals
WHO SHOULD WIN: Michael Shannon. The ugly have been denied their due for far too long. Shannon has made a career off of playing evil villains and weirdoes due to society’s stereotypical, predisposed notions that all ugly people are evil villains and/or weirdos. I’d rather see him win for playing a respectable person, but the fact that Hollywood allowed an ugly person on screen at all is miraculous, so we have to take baby steps whenever we can. Normally, when a movie calls for an ugly character, they just use makeup to ugly up a pretty person, so that an actual ugly person was not only allowed to be on screen but also nominated is amazing.
WHO WILL WIN: Masherala Ali. He is a good actor and you may know him as Remy Danton from House of Cards. He also stars in Hidden Figures, one of the other nominated films. Nothing against the guy, I’m just ugly so I feel like I have to root for my fellow uggo Michael Shannon. Masherala will have many more chances to take home an Oscar, whereas this year Hollywood’s anti-ugly police might realize they fell asleep at the switch by letting Shannon past the gate and then next year they may slam the door on all ugly actors forever. We uggos have to get while the getting is good.
BEST ACTRESS IN A SUPPORTING ROLE
Nominees:
Viola Davis – Fences
Naomie Harris – Moonlight
Lion – Nicole Kidman
Octavia Spencer – Hidden Figures
Michelle Williams – Manchester by the Sea
WHO SHOULD WIN: Tough call. Out of this group, it’s hard to pick one who will get the short end of the stick because, other than Kidman, they’ve all been getting the aforementioned short end for awhile now. Viola Davis was nominated for 2009’s Doubt and 2012’s The Help, so she’s due. Octavia Spencer was nominated for 2012’s The Help so she’s due. Michelle Williams has been nominated for a slew of films dating back to the mid-2000s Brokeback Mountain so she might even be overdue. Naomi Harris I haven’t heard much from though better film nerds might tell me what else I’ve seen her in, though as far as I know her performance in Moonlight is deserving. Hell, even though Nicole Kidman has already won, one might argue even she is getting long in the tooth and while her ex-husband Tom Cruise will be allowed to make Mission Impossible movies until he’s in a wheelchair (and even then), she probably doesn’t have much longer until she starts playing Grandma. All in all, it’s a deserving group overdue for Oscar love, so it’s hard to pick someone to root for other the others.
WHO WILL WIN: My frenemy Leo McCoy (the man who once delivered a sandwich to James Van Der Beek) and I will be rooting (even though I just said it was hard) for Michelle Williams, largely because we have fond memories of her playing town slut Jen Lindley on Dawson’s Creek. However, all reports indicate this is Viola Davis’ year and that works for me as she’s been waiting a long time too.
Still need to see:
Fences
Hidden Figures
La La Land
Lion
Manchester by the Sea
Moonlight
Hey 3.5 readers. Your old pal BQB here.
You know, this March will mark the third year anniversary of this fine blog, and though I love you all, I must admit that in all of this time I have been sitting back and wondering when one of you readers would get off your shiftless, lazy hides and record a video testimonial of my greatness.
Seeing no such incoming video testimonials, I turned to Fiverr and found this delightful spokesperson, who was happy to educate the masses of my astounding brilliance.
In conclusion, this was the best five dollars I have ever spent and had I known it was possible to get women to say nice things about me by paying them I would have started doing it a long time ago.
Thank you, spokesperson. That was an awesome testimonial. In all humility, I truly deserved all of those wonderful compliments.
Meanwhile, this was my first time using Fiverr and I recommend it. There are all sorts of talented folks waiting there to help you do awesome things with your website, blog, business, etc. so check out Fiverr.com
And finally, my spokesperson did such a fantastic job that I’ll give her a plug. If you have a gig you’d like to throw her way, you can check out Stayingvintage on Fiverr.com
Holy shit I’m so old. I actually saw this movie as a little kid in the theater, 3.5 readers.
And now that I think of it, I probably should not have heard the phrase, “the royal penis is clean, your highness” as a kid, but oh well, I turned out fine. I run a successful blog with 3.5 readers, after all.
If you haven’t seen this yet, you have to. I was running through the channels tonight and it came on and I was glued. It’s got to be Eddie Murphy’s most memorable movie and even though it’s a comedy, I think the late 1980s Academy was in remiss for not giving it some Oscar love because it is as funny as it is touching.
Eddie Murphy plays Akeem, Prince of the fictional African nation, Zamunda. His father, King Jaffe Joffer (James Earl Jones) has arranged a marriage between Akeem and a fine ass babe that will do anything that Akeem wants, but Akeem is, you know, a deep thinker. He wants a woman who will love him for his mind, not his money and better yet, a woman who he will actually be able to connect with and talk to, an intellectual type.
So, Akeem and his trusty manservant, Semmi (Arsenio Hall) shuffle off to Queens, New York, where those pose as a pair of fast food joint workers. Akeem falls for the owner’s daughter, Lisa (Shari Headley), but he must juggle his dopey poor man act while fending off Lisa’s douchey rich boyfriend/Jheri curl empire heir (a young Eriq La Salle before he became a doctor on ER), dealing with Lisa’s disapproving father (John Amos) and taking down a stick-up man (a young Samuel L. Jackson, long before he got tired of these mother effing snakes on this mother effing plane).
I spent so much of my youth quoting lines from this movie. Check it out, 3.5. You won’t be sorry.
Hey 3.5 readers.
Jazz music. Ominous beginning photo montage. Crazy Carrie likes pills and wine. (Not a recommended combo).
BQB here with a review of Homeland.
In case you haven’t been watching, the first few seasons of Homeland were essentially a modern reboot of The Manchurian Candidate. Mentally disturbed CIA agent Carrie Mathison (Claire Danes) chases and falls in love with brainwashed returned soldier Brody (Damian Lewis).
Without getting into specifics, this is the first post Brody season. Critics wondered if the show could last past Brody and still be interesting and thus far it has.
This season, Carrie has taken a job with a legal defense organization. She engages in questionable tactics into getting her client Sekou off the hook on terrorism related charges only for him to later…well. I’ve said too much. Just watch.
The big surprise for me is that Quinn (Rupert Friend) is still alive. I thought the show runners had made it clear last season that he died but apparently not. It seemed lame to me that they didn’t follow through on this story line but as it turns out, he’s been interesting thus far this season and I wonder if perhaps the show might ultimately be leading to a happy ending where Carrie and Quinn run off into the sunset together.
Have you been watching the show? What say you, 3.5 readers?
The little boy was four years old and just a bit over two feet tall. His bedroom was filled with vases, statues, paintings and other artistic riches. Golden sheets and pillows sat atop a bed that was large enough for a fully grown adult to get lost in, let alone a child. Further, the boy was dressed in the finest black and gold silks.
Ironically, though his decor was fancy, his personal interests were not.
“Ball!” the little boy said as he rolled a leather ball across the marble floor. When the ball reached the wall, it bounced back. The boy caught it, rolled it up to the wall and repeated the process.
“Hee hee,” the young one giggled. “Ball!”
A fist pounded on the door.
“Ball,” the boy said as he rolled his favorite toy again.
“Oh glorious one?” came the muffled voice of Nianzu from out in the hallway. “I humbly request an audience, please.”
The boy grew tired of rolling and switched his game up to throwing. He tossed the ball against the wall and caught it on the bounce back. “Hee hee! Ball!”
Nianzu tried again. “Unspeakable danger approaches, your majesty. We must get you to safety at once.”
Crash! The boy laughed as his ball smashed a thousand year old vase to smithereens.
“Is everything alright in there, exalted one?” Nianzu asked.
The boy clapped his hands together, giving a stirring round of applause to the devastation he’d created. “Ball!”
Out in the hallway, the trio consulted one another.
“Should we just smash the door down?” Nianzu asked.
“And be executed for treason?” Tengfei inquired.
Nianzu shrugged. “It’s not like he actually knows what’s going on.”
Weiyuan and Tengfei’s mouthes dropped.
“Blasphemy!” Weiyuan cried.
“Sacrilege!” Tengfei shouted.
The duo dropped to their knees and started kowtowing towards the door.
“He does not speak for us, oh wondrous son of heaven!” Weiyuan cried.
“Kill him, exalted one!” Tengfei shouted. “Please spare us and kill him!”
Nianzu rolled his eyes. “Idiots.”
The general and his men ran through the Forbidden City as reinforcements rushed to the gate.
“Cousin,” Nianzu said. “All these years I thought you’d lost your mind with tales of monsters in the form of men. I am sorry.”
“Apology accepted,” Tsang said.
“Can they be killed, General?” Weiyuan asked.
“Only if you bash their brains in,” General Tsang said as he fished around in his pocket. “Which reminds me…”
The general pulled out a hand full of chrysanthemum flowers. He bit into one, then passed out the rest. “Eat these.”
“Why?” Tengfei asked.
“An old remedy the Infallible Master taught me years ago,” General Tsang. “It works. Kept me from becoming a heart eater, and it’ll keep you from becoming brain eaters.”
“Brain eaters?” Nianzu asked.
“You wouldn’t think they’d be so tempting,” the General said. “But I’ve seen good men turn into fiends after just one whiff of brain.”
The conversation was interrupted by a loud, guttural, “Arrrrggghhh!”
The quartet looked up to see a large, fiery object streak through the sky. As if that weren’t odd enough, the object was….screaming. As it began its descent towards the Imperial Palace steps, the general realized what had happened.
“What in the…he’s setting his warriors on fire and launching them over the wall!”
“Raargh!” The flaming fighter landed on the steps, then immediately charged at General Tsang. The general didn’t flinch as he lopped off the undead beast’s head with one swift swing of his sword.
Nianzu felt bile gurgle up into his throat as he looked down at the still living head.
“’Join the army,’ you said. ‘It’ll be an adventure,’ you said.”
“Complaints later, cousin,” General Tsang said as he crushed the head under his boot.
The quartet rushed up the steps and into the palace, then made their way to the throne room. There they found Captain Yuen and three of his guards standing at attention.
“Are you daft, man?!” the general shouted. “Do you not hear the commotion outside?”
“The Imperial Guard remains with the Emperor at all times,” the captain replied.
The general lifted a curtain behind the Dragon Throne, then marched down a hallway with his men behind him. Captain Yuen and his men followed.
“Stop!” Captain Yuen said.
“Don’t quibble with me over protocol, Yuen!” General Tsang shouted. “The Emperor’s life is at stake.”
The sound of Captain Yuen drawing his sword brought General Tsang to a halt.
“You joined the pig in his betrayal,” General Tsang said as he turned around.
“No…and yes,” Captain Yuen said.
“It can either be one or the other,” General Tsang replied.
“No, because I took no bribes and I never wanted this to happen,” Captain Yuen said. “Yes, because I knew of Zhen’s treachery and did nothing. I did not want to oppose the Emperor’s advisor.”
“Redeem yourself now and help me,” the general said. “We’ll talk about the shame your cowardice has brought you later.”
“Don’t you see?” Captain Yuen said. “There’s no stopping Dragonhand. He’s grown too strong. His clan is vast. He’ll have the Emperor’s brain whether we live or die…”
Captain Yuen pointed his sword at Tsang. “…and I choose to live.”
“Damn you, Yuen,” General Tsang said as he pointed his sword at his newfound adversary.
The captain turned to his subordinates. “Join the others. Seal off the palace. If Dragonhand wants in, he will have to negotiate with me.”
The Imperial Guardsmen nodded and dispersed.
Nianzu drew his sword. “We’ll make short work of him, cousin.”
General Tsang kept his eyes locked on the captain. “Four against one isn’t very sporting, cousin. You three find the Emperor.”
“But…”
“If I do not rejoin you, keep him safe.”
“But…”
“That’s an order!” General Tsang barked.
Nianzu nodded, then headed down the hall with Weiyuan and Tengfei.
The general and the captain paced about the hallway as they eyeballed one another.
“Is that your little plan?” General Tsang asked. “Trade the Emperor for your life?”
“I want my life,” Captain Yuen said. “He wants the Emperor. It’s a fair trade.”
“I’ve already seen one fool who thought he could bargain with Dragonhand die today,” General Tsang said. “Reconsider and there won’t have to be another.”
“Sorry, old man,” the captain said. “But it is decided.”
General Tsang sneered at his opponent. “So be it.”
The general and the captain charged at one another, shouting battle cries as their swords clanged.
Bookshelf Battle 