Author Archives: bookshelfbattle

Zom Fu – Chapter 21

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Junjie hesitated. He’d only practiced tiger clawing oranges out of straw men’s chests before. He’d never tiger clawed out an actual organ. He curled his fingers forward, took a deep breath, then burst into action.

“Waaaahhhhhhhhhh!” Thonk. Thonk. Thonk. He became a brain yanking, gray matter smashing whirlwind. Mei-Ling caught on quickly and soon she too was yanking out brains and destroying them.

Meanwhile, Dragonhand picked up the Staff of Ages. The ruby flickered out.

“Oh no,” Dragonhand said to the staff as his hand caught fire. “You don’t get to deny me.”

The flames grew stronger. The fiend used the staff to harness his fire, then pointed it at Junjie and Mei-Ling and unleashed it upon them.

“Mei-Ling!” Junjie shouted as he jumped on his love and knocked her down just in time to avoid the blast. The fire consumed a few of the zombies that had been attacking the heroes, but that mattered little to Dragonhand. Everyone was expendable in his eyes.

As Junjie stood, he felt a hand grab his shoulder, as well as the cold steel of a sword against his neck.

“Move,” Bohai said. Junjie complied, as did Mei-Ling, who feared her love would be harmed if she didn’t.

“Master,” Bohai said he approached Dragonhand with his hostages. “I present an offering.”

Zombified warriors seized the duo and held them tightly, putting their hands over their mouthes to prevent them from speaking.

“Ahh,” Dragonhand said. “The two you bested in the competition for the Staff of Ages.”

“Yes,” Bohai said. “And if I could have my staff now…”

The fiend laughed. “Surely, you jest.”

“You said if I helped you that the Clan of the Sacred Yet Inscrutable Tiger Claw would be mine.”

“And it is yours,” Dragonhand said. “Look around you.”

Bohai looked around. Burnt out piles of rubble that had once been buildings. Dead bodies everywhere.”

“All of this is yours,” Dragonhand said.

“Even so,” Bohai replied. “The Infallible Master of this clan always carries the Staff of Ages.”

“Is that a rule?” Dragonhand asked.

“It is,” Bohai replied.

“Rules are meant to be broken,” Dragonhand said as he clutched the staff. “I need this more than you do.”

“But…”

“Do you wish to challenge me for it?” Dragonhand asked.

Bohai looked down. “No master.”

Dragonhand rested the staff’s ruby on Bohai’s shoulder. The gem did not glow. “I name you the Twentieth Infallible Master of the Clan of the Sacred Yet Inscrutable Tiger Claw. March with me to the Emperor’s Palace and I will allow you to take as much wealth as you can carry to rebuild this sanctuary and raise a new clan as you see fit.”

“Yes, master,” Bohai said.

“But do not forget you will always be in service to me,” Dragonhand said. “When I call, you will come.”

“Of course, master,” Bohai said.

Dragonhand noticed Bohai’s face was gray. The fiend looked at the cocky warrior’s chest wound.

“You have died,” Dragonhand said.

“I’m still here,” Bohai replied.

“Bohai’s body is here,” Dragonhand said. “Bohai’s soul dwells within Diyu now. Soon, the Yama Kings will concoct many punishments for him.”

Junjie wiggled his head out of his zombified captor’s hand. “Most deserved!” he shouted before the zombie clasped his hand around the handsome hero’s mouth again.

“Silence, dog!” the being who had once been Bohai shouted.

“Rage Dog,” Dragonhand said.

“What?” Bohai asked.

“I was once Longwei,” Dragonhand said. “Longwei now burns in Diyu until his sins are purged. You were once Bohai. Bohai has joined Longwei. Rage Dog remains, for you are angry and also, my pet.”

“As you wish, master,” Rage Dog replied.

Dragonhand smiled at Mei-Ling and sniffed her hair. “Mmm…female brain.”

The fiend slathered his tongue all over Mei-Ling’s head, matting her hair with his saliva.

“This is a feisty one,” Dragonhand said. “Rage Dog, you let a woman kill you?”

“She is tougher than she looks,” Rage Dog said.

Dragonhand licked his female hostage again. “Ah…we’ve met before.”

Mei-Ling attempted to look away but a zombified hand kept her head pointed at the fiend.

“You were but a little girl when I invaded your village,” Dragonhand said. “Poor thing. Had I known you were hiding and watching as I devoured your parents’ brains I would have devoured yours so you could have joined them.”

Dragonhand took one more lick. “I left you speechless. I have that effect on women.”

Junjie wrestled his way out of the zombies’ hands. “Leave her alone!”

The fiend seized the handsome hero and licked his head.

“It’s a thing he likes to do,” Rage Dog said. “Just go with it.”

“Your father left you at this clan’s gate when you were so young you could barely walk,” Dragonhand said. “You remember little about him and you never knew your mother. This makes you feel weak, less than, like you aren’t good enough because if you had been he would have kept you.”

Junjie fought but Dragonhand’s flunkies kept the captive under control.

Another lick. “Your mind is that of a frightened kitten. Filled with fear, self-loathing and dread. You’re right to feel you let your father down.  He spared himself tremendous disappointment by abandoning you.  He missed absolutely nothing.”

Lick. “You love the mute girl. Pathetic yet I understand. I too have longed for a woman that won’t talk back. Perhaps I’ll take her for myself.”

Junjie struggled but wasn’t able to avoid getting his head licked again.

“You loved Bohai as a brother,” Dragonhand said. “Even now you fear for him.”

“There is no Bohai,” Rage Dog said. “There is only Rage Dog.”

Lick. “And the Infallible Master was the only father figure you knew. You don’t know how you will get by without him. You want to kill me for killing him.”

“I do!” Junjie said.

“Get in line,” Dragonhand said as he tossed Junjie to the ground.

“If you love the Infallible Master so much, perhaps you’d like to see his body memorialized in stone for all eternity,” Dragonhand said.

Junjie stood and looked at the master’s body. The old man’s face and skull had been torn apart, little more than a mush filled with pieces of flesh and bone.

“No,” Junjie said. “Not like that.”

“Oh,” Dragonhand said. “Would you rather take his place?”

Dragonhand’s hand bursted into flame. He channeled his magic into the Staff of Ages until the staff’s jade went from green to black. The ruby turned purple.

Mei-Ling stopped on the foot of one of her captors, elbowed the other one, then tiger clawed out their brains and smashed them. Rage Dog chased after her but the female warrior knocked him back with a roundhouse kick.

Dragonhand pointed the staff at Junjie. A black cloud emanated out of the ruby. It swirled and danced then made a line toward the handsome hero.

Junjie faked to the left…to the right…it didn’t matter. The cloud followed. Just when he thought he was doomed, he heard Mei-Ling’s voice for the first time.

“Junjie! Look out!”

Mei-Ling jumped in front of the cloud. It encircled her, ensnared her, enveloped her. When the cloud dissipated, all that remained was Mei-Ling’s body, encased in stone. One foot was down, the other was up in a running pose. Her lips were stuck in a shout. Her arms were crossed in front of her face, a failed attempt at a block.

“Nooo!” Junjie shouted. He ran at Dragonhand but was instantly smacked away.

“I’ve toyed with you enough,” Dragonhand said. “Time to join your bitch in Diyu.”

Junjie formed a tiger claw with his trembling hand.

“My son,” came the Infallible Master’s voice into Junjie’s ears. “Stand down.”

“What?” Junjie asked.

“Kowtow!” the Infallible Master ordered. “Beg for your life!”

Junjie obeyed. He dropped to the ground, raised his hands, then brought them and his head down to the ground in a sign of praise to Dragonhand.

“Is this a joke?” Dragonhand asked.

“Please don’t kill me,” Junjie said.

“Hear my words,” the Infallible Master said to Junjie. “And repeat them.”

Junjie heard them and repeated them. “Oh Mighty Dragonhand! Spare me so that I might tell the world of your glory! I shall walk from village to village, telling all who will hear that I, a man once named the next Infallible Master of the Clan of the Sacred Yet Inscrutable Tiger Claw, was bested by you and all should worship you and do your bidding.”

“Hmm,” Dragonhand said. “Pathetic…but I like it.”

“Master,” Rage Dog said. “I want him dead.”

“No,” Dragonhand said as he held the staff up toward the sky. The clouds grew heavy, there was a thunder clap and then a bolt of lighting shot its way down into the staff, causing it to glow blindingly white once more.

“This worm is right,” Dragonhand said. “He must spread news of my greatness throughout the countryside.”

“That isn’t a sufficient punishment,” Rage Dog said.

“No,” Dragonhand said. “But this is.”

All throughout the sanctuary, the remaining members of the tiger claw clan battled the zombie marauders. Kung fu fights were underway on the walls, amidst the rubble, and throughout the courtyard.

The fiend raised the staff, shot the lightning bolt into the air and it came down, only to separate into multiple bolts that struck each tiger claw clan member dead.

Junjie screamed in an apoplectic fit. “Why?!”

“Because I can,” Dragonhand said. “Now you will always remember that your woman was turned to stone because you were not man enough to defeat me. Now you will always remember that your clan died because you were too weak to stop me. That is punishment enough.”

Dragonhand raised the staff. “Victory is ours!”

The zombies cheered and followed their leader out the gate. Rage Dog stopped to look at Junjie.

“Lick a brain,” Rage Dog said. “It will change your world.”

And with that, Rage Dog followed his clan out of the sanctuary.

Junjie cried. “Why, master?” he said between tears. “Why didn’t you let me stop him?”

The air above Junjie grew thick as the Infallible Master’s ghost appeared and looked down at the young man.

“Because you couldn’t have,” the Infallible Master said.

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Daily Discussion with BQB – Happy New Year – What Are Your New Year Resolutions?

Happy New Year 3.5 readers.

2017.  Holy shit.  The future is here.

Where are the flying cars?  Where are the robot sex slaves?  Where are the space ships?  Where are the healing pods that you can jump into and get anything wrong with you fixed immediately?

All we have are social media sites where you can show people what you ate for lunch. #WhatARipOff

What are you resolutions for 2017?

Mine are to publish two books.  Other than that, I hope to keep growing this fine blog so that I might one day be rich enough to throw my NWA style house party.

If you have a resolution, I hope you stick with it.  Sometimes it helps to not forget whatever you felt bad about over Christmas/New Year’s Eve.

If you felt bad about being fat, think about how happy you’ll be next New Year’s when you are skinny.

If you felt bad for being broke, think about how happy you’ll be next year if you cut out unnecessary expenses and manage to save some money.

If you are single, make a commitment to mingle and you might just find someone to kiss when the ball drops next year.

If you are stupid, make a resolution to read more and you’ll be happy when you have something interesting to say at next year’s party.

If you are ugly, resolve to wear a bag over your head.  Decorate it throughout the year and you will have the fanciest bag around next year.  Or be like Sia and get an outlandish wig that covers your face.

If you smell bad, resolve to wear deodorant.  Everyone at the party next year will want to sniff you.

If you are a smoker, resolve to stop smoking.  Your lungs will thank you.

If you are an alcoholic, resolve to stop drinking.  Your liver will thank you.

If you aren’t reading this fine blog enough, resolve to read it more.  My NWA style party is on the line.

In conclusion, remember what a fat, broke, drunk, smokey, ugly, smelly loser you were over the course of the 2016 holidays and work on it so you will be skinny, financially stable, sober, smoke-free, bag covered and nice smelling come the 2017 holiday season.

Believe me – you’ll blink and then it will be Christmas 2017 before you know it, so start now.

Oh right.  This is a discussion.  What say you, 3.5 readers?

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Zom Fu – Chapter 20

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Dragonhand traded blows with the Infallible Master. The two warriors became immersed in a punch, kick, deflect pattern.

“I am sorry that I failed you, my son,” the Infallible Master said.

“You did fail me,” Dragonhand said as he lunged at the old man. “You held me back.”

“No,” the Infallible Master said as he dodged Dragonhand’s fist. “I failed you for not training your mind well enough to realize that the path you have chosen is one of despair.”

“Despair?” Dragonhand asked as he connected his boot with the old man’s chest, knocking him backward. “This is the path of power.”

“Yes,” the Infallible Master said as he stood up. “But what good is this power when it has twisted you into the angry, miserable wretch I see before me?”

Fists were wielded. Feet were launched.

“You think I am miserable?” Dragonhand asked.

“Look me in the eye and tell me you are not,” the master replied.

Dragonhand looked away. “Bah. You old fool. You speak like you are all-knowing and wise but you’re just an incompetent, ancient buzzard. Give me the Staff of Ages.”

The master held the staff in the air, closed his eyes, and chanted under his breath. The clouds rumbled.

Junjie and Mei-Ling entered the courtyard just in time for a thunderclap to tear through their ears. A bolt of lightning raced out of the heavens and down through the sky. The staff’s ruby absorbed it, turning the staff itself blindingly bright.

“Master!” Junjie cried. A line of zombified warriors blocked the duo from reaching their leader. Junjie and Mei-Ling fought the creatures, as did the handful of tiger claw clan members who were still alive.

The Infallible Master pointed the staff at Dragonhand and zapped him with a furious bolt. It didn’t phase the fiend in the slightest.

“Is that the best you’ve got?” Dragonhand asked as he turned his hand into a tiger claw.

The Infallible Master closed his eyes and started chanting. “Body and mind separate…what was one become two…”

“Your mysticism won’t save you now, old man!”

Thwok! Dragonhand pounded his hand into the Infallible Master’s skull and ripped out his brain

.“Nooo!” Junie shouted as the master’s body fell. The young warrior didn’t have long to mourn as he and Mei-Ling continued to beat back the zombie horde.

“Mmm,” Dragonhand said as he held up his prize. “A thousand year old brain. Aged to perfection.”

Dragonhand chomped the Infallible Master’s brain and threw his head back in delight. “Oh…oh yes…”

He took another bite. “I guess you weren’t that stupid after all, old man.”

It was starting to look like the end for Junjie and Mei-Ling. They fought bravely, but the zombies kept coming.

A familiar voice floated through Junjie’s ears.

“My son,” the Infallible Master voice said. “Tiger claw their brains.”

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Zom Fu – Chapter 19

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Junjie blocked Bohai’s punch, then countered with a nunchuck strike.

“Bohai,” Junjie said. “What has become of you?”

Swish! Bohai ducked Mei-Ling’s blade. The cocky warrior was moving faster than ever, easily fending off two opponents at once.

“I have improved in every possible way,” Bohai said. “I have acquired the knowledge of two men and I am hungry for more.”

“But how?” Junjie asked as he nunchuck slapped away Bohai’s punches.

“I have acquired a taste for brains,” Bohai answered as he blocked the female warrior’s kick. “And I’d wager yours is delicious, Mei-Ling.”

“You’ve gone insane!” Junjie shouted. “These are the words of a mad man!”

“You can keep your brain, Junjie,” Bohai said. “There’s a useless meal if I’ve ever seen one.”

“Why are you doing this?” Junjie just before getting socked in the jaw.

“I want the Staff of Ages!” Bohai said. “I won it and I’ll win again if I have to!”

“Stand down,” Junjie said as he delivered multiple nunchuck slaps to Bohai’s face. “We’ll get you to the master and he’ll figure out how to fix you.”

“I’m not broken,” Bohai said. “You are the one who…GACK!”

Mei-Ling impaled Bohai with her sword. Bohai fell on his side and clutched at the handle.

“Do you…really think…this will stop…me…gahhh.”

Bohai closed his eyes. He was motionless.

“Oh Bohai,” Junjie said. “I love you so, brother. Why wouldn’t you listen to reason?”

Mei-Ling yanked on Junjie’s robe and pointed to the courtyard, where Dragonhand and the Infallible Master were locked in combat.

“He needs us,” Junjie said as he and Mei-Ling ran toward their leader.

Bohai coughed and spit up blood. He opened his eyes. They remained blank but now, his face turned gray. He grabbed the sword’s handle, wrenched it out of his gut without showing a single sign of pain, then stood up.

“Errgh,” the now undead warrior mumbled as he walked to the courtyard.

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Things That Really Frost My Ass – Idiots Who Watch the Ball Drop in Times Square

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Hello 3.5 readers.

I don’t have a column.  I just have a brief observation.  If you are willing to spend twelve plus hours in the freezing cold just to watch a ball drop signifying that another year of your life is gone and you can never get it back, then you are an asshole.

Get a job.

That is all.

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Movie Review – Why Him? (2016)

Why him?  Ugh…why me?

The things I do for my 3.5 readers, like bothering to review this movie.

BQB here with a review of Why Him?

So, at the outset, the premise sounds like a pretty standard Christmas comedy.  Dad does not like the man his daughter he is dating but powers through it and realizes that the guy isn’t that bad.

Problem is that there’s a big age difference between the couple and uh, well, it’s creepy.

Bryan Cranston is businessman Ned Fleming, who has been asked by his daughter Stephanie (Zoey Deutch) to come out to California to spend the holidays and meet her new boyfriend, Laird (James Franco).

Problem is Stephanie is 22, Laird is 32 (although if you’re a movie buff like me, then you know that Franco is closer to 40 which just makes the whole thing odd).

Laird isn’t just an eccentric weirdo, he’s also an Internet millionaire app developer, which is apparently the only way anyone came become a millionaire these days, but don’t get me started on the economy.  That’s a whole other article altogether.

Where was I?  Cranston is put with the paces, cashing in on a big holiday film after breaking through with Breaking Bad.  Laird is into all sorts of oddball things and Cranston goes through all of them to comedic effect.

I can’t lie.  There are parts of the movie that are hysterical.  It was nice to see Megan Mullally with a big film part as Cranston’s wife/Stephanie’s mother as she is overdue.

Griffin Gluck is funny as the goofy little brother.  Cedric the Entertainer is great as Cranston’s second-in-command at the office.  Keegan Michael-Key is a riot as Laird’s estate manager Gustav.

Kaley Cuoco (Penny from The Big Bang Theory) actually steals the show as the voice of Laird’s home AI.  It’s fun to hear Penny say naughty things.

All in all, it’s got all the great trappings of a fun holiday comedy/date movie but…eh…maybe it’s my #OscarsSoPretty activism but I just couldn’t over the age difference between the Stephanie and Laird.

The age difference is addressed in the film, Laird comes across as a good dude that’ll do right by her and everything but let’s be honest:

Rich guy 40 year old dates your 22 year old daughter – you’ll probably be cool with it.  It’ll be weird at first but he’s rich and shit.

Ugly broke 40 year old dates your 22 year old daughter – you’ll be reaching for your shotgun.

It’s funny.  It’s actually a decent film as throw away comedies that you’ll never watch again go but…eh, the age difference weirded me out.

STATUS:  Borderline shelf-worthy.  No need to rush to the theater.  Worth a rental.

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Zom Fu – Chapter 18

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“And that,” Niu said as he rolled up a scroll, “Is the story of how the Fourteenth Infallible Master wrestled an alligator into submission, convinced it to change its evil ways and lived to tell the tale.”

Ten year old Shing, the scrawny little scrapper who so rudely dropped his teacher earlier, wasted no time in voicing his displeasure. “I find it highly suspect that a human being would be able to wrestle an alligator into submission.”

“Shut up, dummy!” cried eight year old Yan. “Infallible Masters can do anything. Isn’t that right, teacher?”

“Oh, I don’t know if they’re able to do, ‘anything,’” Niu said. “But close to it.”

“Teacher,” Shing said. “You’re really going to contradict me in front of a girl?”

“Why wouldn’t I?” Niu inquired.

“Because girls aren’t as smart as boys,” Shing said. “Ergo, Yan is not as smart as I am.”

“Am too!” Yan said just before sticking her tongue out at her adversary.

“I have a feeling that you are all very smart,” Niu said. “The Infallible Master has seen something special in all of you. He would not have put you on the path of a kung fu warrior if he had not.”

“See?” Yan said. The tongue came out again.

“Ungh,” Shing said. “I’m surrounded by fools.”

Niu sighed. “You are the second coming of Bohai.”

“What?” Shing asked.

“Nothing,” Niu said. “You just remind me of a strong willed child I knew as a boy.”

“Did he grow up to become a great man?” Shing asked.

“I’m not sure if the fates have made that determination yet,” Niu replied.

“Meh,” Yan said as she stuck her tongue out at the boy once more.

“Yan,” Niu said.

“Huh?” Yan asked.

“If the fates wanted your tongue out all the time, they would have made you without lips,” Niu said.

“Bah ha ha,” Shing said as he laughed and pointed at Yan. The little girl put her tongue away and pouted.

“Enough now,” Niu said. “Time for bed.”

“Just one more story?” Yan asked.

Niu yawned and stretched. “Had the fates wanted your teacher to read another story to you, they wouldn’t have allowed him to feel so sleepy. Come now. To bed.”

“All fifty of the little ones let out a collective, “Aww” of disappointment, then headed for their beds, which lined the walls of the dormitory.

Niu picked up a lit candle from a table and walked down an aisle between the beds, checking on each one of his charges along the way.

“Teacher?” Shing said.

“Yes?” Niu asked.

“Is Dragonhand real?” the little boy asked.

“Now why would you concern your tiny mind with that?” Niu asked.

“The Infallible Master told us that if we are not good we might end up like Dragonhand,” Shing said.

“Ahh,” Niu said. “Well, the Infallible Master used to tell my friends and I the same tale when we were little ones just like you.”

“Is it true?” the boy asked. “Is Dragonhand really a dead man who lives beyond the grave? Is he really as ugly as they say? Can he really learn everything you have ever learned by eating your brain?”

“I doubt it,” Niu said. “I assume that Dragonhand is just like the story with the Fourteenth Master and the alligator, a fable written by our ancestors to teach us a lesson.”

“But,” Shing said. “How do you know?”

“I don’t,” Niu replied. “But I think that if a living dead man as nasty as Dragonhand were real, the fates would have allowed him to cross our paths by now.”

“I guess,” Shing said.

Niu walked to the door. “Sleep well, children. There will be more stories tomorrow.”

The big man blew out the candle. Within seconds, a fireball tore through the left wall of the room, streaked through the open air of the dormitory, and exited out the right wall. Flames crackled their way up the sides of both walls.

The children jumped out of their beds. Niu ran to the hole in the left wall and observed his fellow clan members taking on the zombie horde.

“Children!” Niu said. “Quickly!”

Niu picked up Shing and threw him over his right shoulder, then tucked Yan under his left arm and rushed his students out of the dormitory and down the hall.

“What’s happening?!” one of the children cried.

“We run now,” Niu shouted. “We figure it out later.”

The group ran past the doors to the library. They hurried on, fast as they could until they reached the set of double-doors that led outside.

Bam…bam…bam…fists pounded on the doors.

“Children,” Niu said.

Crash! Undead hands broke holes in the doors and started feeling around for any bits of flesh they could find.

“Fall back!” Niu shouted. “To the library!”

The children were ahead of their teacher now. Niu heard the sounds of the doors splinter apart and the sounds of footsteps running behind him but he did not look back.

Niu made it to the library, ushered the children inside, then shut the door. He turned and faced the monsters, five in total He studied their gray, rancid faces. The beasts spread out and circled the big man.

“Apparently the fates have made me a liar,” Niu said.

“Yes,” one of the creatures said. “We do exist.”

Niu cracked the muscles in his neck then put up his fists. “Not for long.”

All five zombies pounced on the fatalist. He flexed his muscles and threw them off. Bash! He landed one punch after another, lumbering through the zombies like a runaway boulder.

Niu pinned one zombie to the ground and punched the beast’s face over and over again. “How…is…this…not…killing…you?”

A zombie jumped on Niu’s back and was about to take a bite when Niu rose to his feet, picked the creature off of him and tossed it away as if it were a bug.

“I’ve never wanted to do this,” Niu said as he held out his hands in the tiger claw pose, “But I see no other option.”

“Bahhh!” the big man shouted as he pushed his right tiger claw into a zombie’s chest and ripped out its blackened heart.

The zombie looked at the open wound, then looked up and smiled.

“Impossible,” Niu said.

Niu blocked punches and kicks as the pack attacked. He tiger clawed out more hearts, as well as lungs, livers and kidneys. Finally, he tiger clawed out a brain but its owner, despite a caved in skull, kept coming.

“Why would the fates punish me by pitting me against any enemy that cannot be defeated by the Sacred Yet Inscrutable Tiger Claw?” Niu said as he dropped the brain on the ground. “Fine, take me but please spare the young ones.”

The zombies lurched forward. Niu took one step and accidentally stepped on the brain. As he felt it smush under his foot, he saw the zombie it belonged to collapse.

“Ahh,” Niu said. “So the fates are not done with me yet.”

One…two…three…four…Niu tiger clawed out the remaining brains and smashed them. Oddly, he lost control of his senses as he picked one of the smushed brains up and stared at it as if he were mesmerized by it.

“Huh,” Niu said. “I always thought a brain would look disgusting…and it does…but…it also looks so…juicy and inviting.”

Niu licked his lips. “Perhaps a little taste wouldn’t hurt.”

Bam! The children pounded on the library door.

“Teacher!” Yan shouted. “Are you alive?”

Niu broke free of the trance and tossed the brain on the floor. “Right. I’m coming.”

More growls. More snarls. Ten more zombies entered the building and starting running down the hall. Niu entered the library and locked the door behind him.

“Come little ones,” Niu said. “I must show you a trick that Scholar Jing once showed me.”

Niu lead the children to the back of the library, where there was an old stone fireplace. He pulled on a candlestick, which acted as a switch, causing the fireplace to rumble and move to the left. Once the fireplace was out of the way, a long tunnel was revealed.

“This is not the first time our clan’s sanctuary has been invaded,” Niu said as he shooed the children into the tunnel.

Fists pounded on the library doors.

“Come,” Niu said as he waved each kid through. “Hurry.”

Outside in the hall, the zombies set torches to the doors.  The wood caught on fire just as the undead warriors smashed their way into the library.

“But teacher,” Shing said. “What about you?”

“Shing,” Niu said to the little boy. “Yan,” to the little girl. “You are the teachers now. This tunnel heads north into the forest. A mile away there is a village. There are good people there who will look out for all of you until I come to collect you. Do you understand?”

“Yes teacher,” the little ones said as they nodded.

“Good,” Niu said. “Then go.”

The little boy and the little girl stepped into the tunnel. Niu reset the candle stick and the fireplace slid to the right just as the zombies broke through the doors.

“But teacher!” cried Yan.

“I said, ‘Go!’”

Ten zombified warriors shuffled into the room as the walls caught fire. They all fanned out in a circle around Niu.

“So,” Niu said as he cracked his knuckles. “I don’t suppose you are all here to listen to a story?”

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SNL – Farewell Mr. Bunting

I’m surprised this one flew under my radar for so long but I came across it the other day and laughed myself silly.

It’s a parody of Dead Poet’s Society with a twist and, well, just keep watching until the end.

Keep in mind it is a very twisted twist.

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Movie Review – Deadpool – (2016)

Truly, the Best Movie of All Categories of the Year Award

Deadpool deserves an Oscar. If he doesn’t get it, he’s been ripped off.

Ryan Reynolds failed us with the Green Lantern but he redeemed himself with Deadpool, the wisecracking merc with the mouth. Gratuitous boobs, swears and violence in a superhero movie. The times are a changing.

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Swears, gratuitous violence and naked chicks in a superhero movie!

Whodathunkit?!

BQB here with a review of DEADPOOL!

SPOILERS!

Oh my God.  This movie was like a space shuttle launch.  So much had to happen before it could finally happen.

  1. Fans had to convince Hollywood that super hero movies are profitable by showing up en masse.
  2. A new generation had to grow up, become adults, and be cool with a super hero on screen who does and says horrible, horrible things.
  3. Hollywood had to be convinced that there was an adult audience for a raunchy R rated super hero movie, because films about heroes in spandex fighting evil are traditionally geared toward kids.
  4. And to top it all off, this movie was first teased in 2009 when Ryan Reynolds was in that horrible, godawful Wolverine movie!!!  (Remember the one with Will. I. Am?  God that was awful.)

And it’s here!…

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Movie Review: The Huntsman: Winter’s War (2016)

Best Sequel/Prequel That Should Have Sucked But Didn’t

Seriously, was anyone really clamoring for another Hunstman movie? No. But they did it. And it was great.

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Is love only a fairy tale?

That’s the question asked by this part prequel/part sequel to The Huntsman.

You’ll be hunting for some spoilers if you read further.

Freya (Emily Blunt) is sister to Ravenna (Charlize Theron) aka the Wicked Queen.

Prior to the events of the first Huntsman film, Freya becomes irrevocably heartbroken, and sets out to take over the Northern part of wherever the hell this fantasy world is.

To do so, she raises an army of “Huntsmen” and thus we learn Eric the Huntsman’s (Chris Hemsworth) origin.

Freya proclaims love to be a lie and bans it, leaving Eric and his secret wife, Sara (Jessica Chastain) to hide their relationship.

Yadda yadda yadda.  Flash forward to a time post the original movie. The magic mirror has gone missing.  Eric and two of his dwarf pals have to find it. Some dwarf women come into play.

Freya wants the…

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