Category Archives: #31WaystoDefeataVampire

Oct 09 2016
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#31WaystoDefeataVampire

#31WaysToDefeataVampire – Way #9 – Powder

By: Count Krakovich, Asshat Vampire

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“This is either a bountiful serving of booger sugar or my cousin Fred. I can’t tell.”

Bleh!

If you never watched Buffy the Vampire Slayer, then allow me to bring you up to speed.

When you kill a vampire, said vamp turns into dust.

Thus, whenever we see powder of any kind, be it baking soda, flour, dust from your poorly kept home because you are lazy, or hell, even a line of coke, we immediately fear it may be one of our vampire friends.

So if you see a vampire coming, just toss some powder at them.  Keep some baby powder handy.  Its good for fooling a vampire into thinking you killed his best vampire friend, plus a good dousing of that stuff on your tushy once a day keeps the rashes at bay.

Have you ever defeated a vampire with baking soda? Discuss in the comments.

 

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Oct 08 2016
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#31WaystoDefeataVampire

#31WaysToDefeataVampire – Way #8 -Cats

By: Count Krakovich, Asshat Vampire

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Bleh!

It’s true.

Vampires despise cats.

You wouldn’t think so because we both sleep all day, we’re both exceptionally cranky, and we both have fangs but no, those furry little jerk faces get hair all over our coffins and puke hairballs all over the floor.

Quickest way to get rid of a vampire?  Whip out your cat.

Have you ever defeated a vampire with a cat? Discuss in the comments.

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Oct 07 2016
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#31WaystoDefeataVampire

#31WaysToDefeatAVampire – Way #7 -Terrible Reboots

By: Count Krakovich, Asshat Vampire

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Bleh.

I just watched the new Ghostbusters reboot on demand.  Bleh, that’s money I’ll never get back.

It doesn’t really hold up.  I mean, bleh, the first time it was ok but now that I see it again and can analyze it a bit it is just all cheap jokes crowbarred in there.

Show a vampire a bad reboot and he or she will hiss and run away.  Vampires are known for their good taste.

Which bad movie reboot makes you want to hiss and run away?

Discuss in the comments, bleh.

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Oct 06 2016
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#31WaystoDefeataVampire

#31WaysToDefeat a Vampire – Way #6 -Sharks

By: Count Krakovich, Asshat Vampire

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Bleh!

We vampires like to pretend that we’re indestructible but no one can defeat a shark.

Sharks can easily chomp through a vampire.

Humans and/or vampires alike should avoid sharks.

That’s about it. I’m really phoning it in today…because I’m an asshat. Don’t judge me.

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Oct 05 2016
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#31WaystoDefeataVampire

#31WaystoDefeatAVampire – Politics

By: Count Krakovich, Asshat Vampire

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Bleh!

Trump, Hillary.  Hillary, Trump.

But I’m the bloodsucker?

Makes sense, bleh.

Yes, vampires hate politics – not so much government but people who make dumb arguments on both sides and them post them all over your Facebook wall long after you’ve told them you don’t care what they think, bleh.

The quickest way to get a vampire to turn tail is to offer your dumb opinions.  We prefer to keep it light and loosey goosey.  If you can’t be friends with someone who doesn’t share your political viewpoints then you’re a bigger weirdo than I am.

Have you ever caused a vampire to roll his eyes with your political discourse?

Discuss in the comments.

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Oct 04 2016
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#31WaystoDefeataVampire

#31WaysToDefeataVampire – Way #4 – Boring Social Media Posts

By: Count Krakovich, Asshat Vampire

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Bleh!

Eternity is a long time, 3.5 readers.

It is an especially long time when all the people around you are very boring.

People used to be interesting.  They went out. Had fun. Partied.  Talked to each other.

Now all you weirdoes do is sit at home on your computers and live stream your lunches to your 3.5 followers.

Bleh, you’re all boring I say.  So boring that every day, vampires are staking themselves in droves just to avoid getting another tweet with a picture of your dog doing something hilarious.

Just stop with the social media, people.  Your boring posts defeat vampires.

Oh wait, perhaps this is your intention.  Zuckerberg is by far the greatest vampire hunter of them all then.

Have you ever posted something so boring that it made vampires want to stake themselves?

Discuss in the comments.

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Oct 03 2016
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#31WaystoDefeataVampire

#31WaysToDefeataVampire – Kindness

By: Count Krakovich, Asshat Vampire

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Hug a vampire.

Bleh!

“Kill ’em with kindness” goes the old saying and it is applicable to vampires.

Seriously. Humans see us and they’re all like, “Eek! A vampire!”

Its ridiculous because we don’t always want to eat you.  Sometimes we’re full and we don’t want to eat you at all.

Sometimes we just want to hang out with you and shoot the breeze and talk about cars and movies and make paper airplanes and trade taco salad recipes.

Ever think of that?

No. Its always “Waah but I don’t want to be permanently damned.”  You people are so needy.

Next time you want to confuse a vampire, give him a hug.  He’ll be so surprised he’ll just walk away.

Or he may very well bite you.

You know what, now that I think of it, there’s like a 90 percent chance he’ll bite you and a ten percent he’ll just be confused and walk away so I get it. You probably don’t want to take those odds.

Have you hugged a vampire and lived to tell the tale?

Discuss in the comments.

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Oct 02 2016
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#31WaystoDefeataVampire

#31WaysToDefeataVampire – Discos

By: Count Krakovich, Asshat Vampire

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Vamps can’t dance.

Bleh!

#31WaystoDefeataVampire continues, 3.5 children of the night.

If you have a way to defeat a vampire, you should leave it in the comments or tweet it to Bookshelf Q Battler – @bookshelfbattle

Bleh! You could even leave it on his Facebook page.  While you’re at it, give it a like.  BQB’s Facebook page has less likes than Bea Arthur’s nude photo spread, bleh.

Discos.  You never knew these 1970s dance clubs are the bane of vampiric existence, did you?

Yes, the 1970s were a bad time for the vampires. Everyone was boogying down and we were going hungry.

Its not the flashing lights, or all the moronic clientele…its that vampires can’t dance for shit.

Think about it. Have you ever seen a vampire that can dance?

No. You haven’t.

Give a being eternal life and the ability to take what they want without consequence and few beings are willing to learn skills to improve themselves.

Vampires don’t take dancing lessons because they don’t care if you like they’re dancing.

Alas, vampires sneakily conspired to put most of this clubs out of business, but if you’re getting chased by a vampire in Germany, you could probably find a good disco to duck into.

Yeesh. Don’t get me started on the Germans.  They spent years trying to conquer the world and now they just want to be a bunch of dancing machines in leather pants.  Its like there’s no happy medium with those people.

Bleh! Until tomorrow, 3.5 readers.

 

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Oct 01 2016
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#31WaystoDefeataVampire

#31WaystoDefeataVampire – Number 1 – Garlic Farts

By: Count Krakovich, Asshat Vampire

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Count Krakovich hates his fellow vampires. Stop by bookshelfbattle.com all October long for the count’s advice on how to defeat them.

Bleh!

As you have heard 3.5 readers, vampires despise garlic. One bite of the stinky stuff and we are done for.

Why does garlic hurt vampires?

Many reasons.

  • Garlic has long been thought to have healing properties for humans.  Ancient medicine men used it to treat all kinds of diseases and ailments. Hell, you can even buy garlic pills today. I have no idea if it is good for you or not, I’m a vampire, not a doctor. What I do know is as a general rule, if something is good for humans, it is bad for vampires.
  • Long ago, people used garlic as mosquito repellant.  It stinks, so mosquitos, the bloodsucking vampires of the insect world, buzz away from it.
  • Bram Stroker mentioned its use to ward of vampires in Dracula.

Now, vampires aren’t fooled easy.  Put it in a pizza or in some food to disguise it and they’ll sniff it out immediately and throw you out before you can get your garlic laden food all over them.

But – what if the garlic is inside you already?

Yes, 3.5 readers. That’s right. Before you meet a vampire, eat copious amounts of pizza, lasagna, pasta, and garlic bread – lots and lots of gooey, cheesy garlic bread.

Then when you visit a vampire, let it rip.  You can launch a full on assault with a loud one or take out every vampire in the room with an SBD (silent but deadly.)

Personally, I recommend the SBD approach.  Going full blast ruins the element of surprise.

Garlic farts, 3.5 readers. I’m telling you.  They work.

And if you’re not one to take this smelly fight to the vampires, at least protect yourself.

Never go out at night without ingesting an entire garlic clove.  True, your social life will suffer as you’ll be so smelly that no one will want to kiss you but at least you’ll be able to gas a marauding vampire at a moment’s notice.

 

 

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