BQB here with a review of the fantasy buddy cop thriller, Bright.
Netflix continues to wage war on conventional cinema, streaming a summer blockbuster type movie, helmed by veteran sci-fi action star Will Smith.
BQB here with a review of the fantasy buddy cop thriller, Bright.
Netflix continues to wage war on conventional cinema, streaming a summer blockbuster type movie, helmed by veteran sci-fi action star Will Smith.
In alternate world of this film, humans, orcs and elves co-exist in the modern world of today. Despite historic tensions due to past conflicts, the three races try, more or less, to get along, though biases and suspicions continue.
Life is not easy for Nick Jakoby (Joel Edgerton), an orc cop who straddles the lines of two worlds and is hated by the residents of both of them. Orcs, relegated to being impoverished, inner city dwelling second class citizens, despise him because he’s a cop and orcs feel that cops unfairly target them. Cue scene of an orc getting wailed on in a savage act of police brutality.
Humans aren’t found of Jakoby either. Orcs, according to human sensibilities, aren’t pleasant to look at and they took the wrong side in an ancient war. They basically view him as an untrustworthy animal.
Jakoby is just Jakoby, a normal dude who, despite his orc-ish appearance, is just trying to make it in the world. He likes burritos and giving his partner health tips and other dorky things. But depending who you ask, he’s a pussy (according to the orcs) or a beast (according to the humans.)
Ward (Will Smith), has an equally tough time as Jakoby’s partner. On the one hand, human cops demand that he find a way to trip the orc up and run him off the force. On the other, he feels that bond of loyalty that any cop feels towards his partner.
Against this backdrop, an elf bright (i.e. a rare user of magic, Lucy Fry as “Tikka”) is on the run and in possession of a magic wand. In this world, a wand is considered the equivalent of a loose nuclear weapon, something that if it were to fall in the wrong hands, could be used to unleash death and destruction.
The wand is valuable as it can grant whoever wields it untold power, so naturally, the various groups who want it begin stacking up. Mexican and orcish gangsters, corrupt cops, Federal agents and rogue elves all hunt Jakoby and Ward as they seek to off the dynamic duo and abscond with the wand.
I have to say, the negative reviews of this film are undeserved. Here’s the deal. THIS FILM IS <GASP> ORIGINAL! It’s a new idea. It’s fresh. It features a childish concept (i.e. orcs and elves and magic) and infuses it with adult themes (i.e. swears, over the top violence, gunfights and lots and lots of naked titties.)
A Hollywood suit would have been within his rights to put the kibosh on this project for fear that it wouldn’t find an audience. Kids who like magic can’t come and adults who like violence and titties might be turned off by magic.
But this film is good and it proves that Netflix will persevere as an outlet for films that are original, experimental, on the edge and can’t find a home elsewhere.
The film serves as an interesting vehicle for dialog about racial issues. Ironically, the main human in the film, Ward, a black man, must fight his own internal biases against orcs (he was once shot by one so now trusts none of them) in order to save the day with his orc parter.
Good writing. A lot of showing instead of telling. Good world building. The rules have been established so sequels are entirely possible.
There are two sentiments expressed in this movie, and they are very much opposed to one another.
In the beginning, Dorothy sings, “Somewhere Over the Rainbow” i.e. somewhere out there is a whole shit ton of happiness…it’s out there, I swear. It’s coming just around the corner. It’s right there…over the rainbow. You can’t get over a rainbow? You can see the rainbow but you can’t get over it? Don’t worry. That amazing happiness is coming.
Then at the end, that bitch Glenda tells Dorothy that her ruby slippers held the power to bring her back to Kansas all along. I call Glenda a bitch because she could have told Dorothy up front that her slippers could bring her back home and saved her a lot of trouble.
However, Glenda makes a good point. Dorothy had to struggle through various ordeals in order to figure out that her happiness wasn’t in a fantasyland but it was at her home all along.
To put it all together, Dorothy thinks life in Kansas sucks big time balls. She has to do chores and live on a shitty farm and get bossed around by Aunty Em and there’s an old bitch in the neighborhood who is constantly trying to murder her dog.
So she dreams of a better life in a better place. But then she gets there and learns it is even harder. To get anywhere good in Oz, she has to fight a witch that can throw fireballs, fend off winged monkeys, venture into a spooky forest, and help three assholes find their heart, courage and brains, respectively.
In short, she was better off at home.
Are you better off at home than chasing a dream? Hard to say. Dorothy fought through all the bullshit only to find out that her dream, i.e. a magical wizard named Oz who could grant all her wishes, was just a dumb ass hiding behind a screen.
Your dream might be real. To get there, you might have to fight through a lot of shit and, well, yeah, you might get there and your dream might turn out to be bullshit, the equivalent of a charlatan working a fake head from behind a screen.
So maybe you are better off at home….better off in your shitty farm house with your Aunt and Uncle who love you and three apparently single, middle-aged farm hands who are capable of viewing a young girl as their friend and not engage in any perverted activities because it was the 1930s Midwest and adults were considered to only have good intentions toward children, not all how perverted and messed up it is today.
What do you think, 3.5 readers? Is happiness over the rainbow, or is it at home?
BQB here with a review of “Office Christmas Party.”
It’s a challenge to make a movie set during Christmas time. People who don’t see it in the theater won’t feel like watching it until the next Christmas. No one wants to watch it in say, August of the next year.
Moreover, it’s got to be memorable, somewhat touching and if it is, it may very well become a staple of any movie buff’s yuletide Christmas watching.
“Office Christmas Party” is fun, though not laugh out loud funny. Frankly, now that I’ve seen it once, I doubt I’ll ever watch it again and don’t feel a need to watch it every year.
The set-up – Justin Bateman is the right hand of TJ Miller. Together, they oversee the regional branch of a computer company. Miller reprises his role as basically the same dopey, happy fun time party boy he plays in “Silicon Valley.”
When Miller’s sister, played by Jennifer Aniston, the head of the company, threatens to cut jobs if profit demands aren’t met, Bateman and Miller team up to wine and dine a corporate executive, throwing a wild, lavish Christmas party in the hopes this will convince him to hand over a lucrative account that will save the day.
As you can imagine, the party gets progressively out of control and wacky chaos ensues.
Honestly, I judge comedies by one single rule – did it make me laugh uncontrollably? No. No, it did not. It’s fun but it’s not going down in the laughter hall of fame.
I had the chance to watch this classic the other day. It’s been years since I’ve seen it and as an adult I noticed a lot of things. Most good, a few just me being my typical jerky self.
Without further ado:
#10 – Literally everybody in the film is frigging dead.
And not just dead but dead for like, a long ass time. The movie was made in 1939 and its still a staple of childhood viewing for kids today.
It just makes me sad to see all these people in costume, singing and dancing, having a good time, then thinking about how they are all dead, many of them died before I was even born.
I mean, holy crap, the actors who play Oz, the Scarecrow, Tin Man and Cowardly Lion were all born in the late 1800s. Frickin’ Abraham Lincoln was tooling around in the same century.
Sigh. Such is life. Here one minute…
(EDIT: I found a reference on the Internet that says Jerry Maren, an actor who played a munchkin, might still be alive. Hang in there, Jerry.)
#9 – Toto is the best dog actor ever.
I feel like there must be cut footage in a vault somewhere of the dog playing Toto taking a dump on Dorothy’s slippers or something. Maybe not. All I know is as I watch the movie, the dog playing Toto is like, the best train, most well-behaved on-screen dog I’ve ever seen. The little guy walks in a straight line, following the actors, going where he needs to go, and does this even in scenes where like there’s hundreds of people behind him.
#8 – It’s a special effects bonanza.
People credit “Star Wars” for unleashing the special effects tidal wave, but I don’t think the movie industry would have gotten there without this picture. While it pales against today’s standards, there are still some effects that are interesting to watch and probably made jaws drop in its day. It was no doubt ahead of its time. Dorothy looking at the twister out her window and seeing two dudes rowing through the wind in a rowboat is one example.
#7 – The Wicked Witch of the West is Justified in Her Anger.
I’m sorry, but the green bitch’s sister had a damn house dropped on her and then when she tries to collect the slippers, i.e. the property that should go to her as she is the rightful heir, Dorothy keeps them and Glenda threatens her that a house might drop on her too.
I mean. Holy shit. Is there any doubt that ugly people are treated like shit? Imagine if the Wicked Witch were pretty. Do you think people might, I don’t know, be like, “Um, yeah someone kills my sister and steals her shit, I’d be pissed too.”
I get that both witches were wicked and up to bad shit so the house drop was probably a good thing. It’s kind of like if you were drunk driving and run over Hitler…yes, it’s good that Hitler died but still, you were drunk driving.
Then again, I suppose it wasn’t Dorothy’s fault her house went out of control.
By the way, Margaret Hamilton is having way too much fun playing that witch.
#6 – Judy Garland was better beyond her years.
She’s only 17 in this role but she’s just amazing, full of heart and perfect pronunciation. So sad that she became a pill fiend. I guess Hollywood will do that to you. She performs better than any adult could have in this role.
#5 – Dorothy disses Tin Man and Lion.
I know that “I’ll miss you most of all, Scarecrow” has come to be thought of as a really heartwarming line, maybe something even tell people when they’re saying goodbye, but as a kid watching the movie pointed out to me, “Lion and Tin man are right there!”
Seriously. How would you feel if you and two friends said goodbye to a fourth friend and she singled one friend out for extra missing?
Dorothy might as well have said, “Yeah furball and rustbucket, I’ll miss you guys I guess but holy shit, Scarecrow, I will miss the shit out of you. I mean, Lion and Tin Man, you assholes were ok, but Scarecrow, I’m going to be balling my eyes out every night until I see you again, buddy.”
#4 – It’s possible for make-up to be better than CGI.
Scarecrow looks more like a talking scarecrow than a computerized version would, in my opinion. I don’t know what they did. They perfectly blended his head with whatever he was wearing to make his head look like a bag full of straw.
Tin man is no slouch. He looks like an ancient attempt to construct a robot.
Lion basically looks like a dude in a lion costume which, ok, CGI might do better there. Then again, why can’t people where lion costumes now?
#3 – I doubt a remake would be as good.
I’m surprised with all the reboots and remakes, Hollywood hasn’t remade this one. Crap, I hope I didn’t just put that idea out into the ether. Oh well, only 3.5 people read this blog anyway.
This movie has so much heart and is basically Hollywood’s first special effects extravaganza (I think, correct me if I’m wrong.) A remake would be like that kid who has his mom do his art project vs the kid who does his best with macaroni and string. Yeah, the more polished version would be better but the macaroni has more heart.
#2 – Dorothy and Friends Get Stoned
They can call them poppy flowers all they want but we all know that Witch got our favorite quartet stoned on opium. Oz and Afghanistan, two places to avoid if you’re an opiate abuser.
#1 – “Ding Dong the Witch is Dead” is the Most Profoundly Emotional Song Ever
Did you write it off as cheesy fluffy? Think about it some more.
No…actually, think about the worst person in your life. Surely, there is someone who lives to make you miserable. They make fun of you. Mess with you. Hurt you. Ruin you.
If that person were to die, you might secretly be glad on the outside, but out of sheer respect for the value of life, you’d probably feign an, “Oh that’s too bad” when someone tells you of the bully’s untimely demise.
The Munchkins, on the other hand, don’t just hate the Wicked Witch of the East, they despise her, so much that when a house is dropped on her head, they break out into a spontaneous song and dance number, engaging in perfect choreographic precision, expressing to Dorothy just how happy they are that she capped the Witch.
Literally, the song and dance routine goes on for several minutes. Munchkins young and old take part. There are interludes where various munchkin groups and dignitaries opine on the happiness they have over the witch’s dead, the coroner is consulted just to make sure that the celebration is in order, and the Mayor provides a joyous decree.
I mean, I don’t know what that witch was doing but imagine how awful she must have been to those munchkins for them to have broken out into such a dazzling, Broadway style revue to express their happiness at the hag’s death. It’s almost as though those literally people were secretly rehearsing the routine in anticipation of the Witch’s death.
Can you imagine it? All those little people huddled together in a back room. “Oh man, we hate that bitch so much that we have to totally nail the song and dance routine we’ll give when she finally kicks the bucket. Ed, you get the costumes ready and Fred you call the Lollipop Guild. We are going to rock this house when that hag croaks.”
I believe there is a line about bondage so the East Witch must have been enslaving the munchkins…or forcing them into a perverse BDSM lifestyle. Either way, they’re happy she’s dead and they have a song to prove it.
Kinda makes you think, doesn’t it. If you can honestly say that all the people who know you will break out into a song and dance number when you die, then you might want to make a few positive lifestyle changes while there is still time.
It has come to my attention that one of my esteemed columnists, Miss Monica Duncan, Professional Bad News Breaker, wrote a nonsense column on this fine website in which she stated that Santa Claus is not real.
Balderdash and poppycock, I say. Santa is very much real so please, all 3.5 of you, be sure to tell your kids the fat man exists and Monica doesn’t know what she’s talking about.
Hello 3.5 readers. I’m Monica Duncan and when people have bad news they can’t bear to break, they call me to do the dirty work for them. My highlights include:
Informing all 57 girlfriends dating a Milwaukee bartender, Fred Sistack (none of the girls knew about each other) that they may have a long laundry list of diseases, including, but not limited to: herpes, the clap, anal warts, syphilis, crotch rot, vaginal gangrene, and eternal butt itch. Fred has been paying off my services on a monthly installment plan for the past twelve years.
I was the one who told Saddam Hussein that he was about to be pulled out of his hidey hole. He was very disappointed about it, but he was glad to get a shave.
In the 1990s, I told John Wayne Bobbitt that that numb feeling he felt in his groin was due to the fact that his wife had removed his penis with the aid of a knife. Remember people, if you ever have to tell someone their penis was cut off, always hire a professional bad news breaker to tell them. You don’t want a man to find out his junk is gone when he reaches for it only to find it is not there.
Alas, I am now here to break some bad news to the children of the world – Santa Claus does not exist.
Nope, he does not exist at all.
Yikes, what bored people you Christians are. You have a holiday based on the idea that Jesus was the Son of God (umm…well, OK nevermind I’ll talk about that in another column) and that still doesn’t keep your attention. You still need a tale about a fat man who brings presents.
Let me dispel the many inaccuracies:
#1 – No one likes fat people.
Even fat people don’t like fat people. It is impossible for a real fat man to be loved by the entire world, ergo, a universally beloved fat man could only exist as a fictional character. If Santa were real, it would not matter how many good deeds he did. He could bring everyone toys, cash money, cures for AIDS and cancer, homes for the poor and everyone would still be all like, “Fuck you, you fat fuck, lose some weight!” I’m sorry, but it’s true. You know it’s true. Think about the nicest fat person you know. Maybe there was some fat person who did you a good turn, helped you out in life. Maybe this fat person paid your rent one month to keep you off the street. Maybe this fat person saved your life. Maybe this fat person recommended you for a job when you were down on your luck. You still called that person a fat fuck behind his/her back, didn’t you? You couldn’t help it. No one likes a fatty, no matter how nice the fatty is.
#2 – It is not possible for a fat fuck to squeeze down your chimney.
Your fat Aunt Edna knocks shit down with her fat ass because she’s so fat she doesn’t think she’s bumping into things but you think a fat fuck in a red suit can squeeze his fat ass down every chimney in the world? Bitch, please.
#3 – Reindeer can’t fly.
Have you ever seen a non-winged animal fly? Stop being stupid. Oh, and Rudolph’s nose is red because he hits the sauce…hard. At least he would if he existed, but he doesn’t.
#4 – Why do bad kids get presents?
Kids have pretty short attention spans. A parent says, “Be good or Santa won’t bring you any shit!” and then the kid will be good for five minutes and then forget and be naughty again. If Santa really has a naughty and nice list, he must not be paying attention to it, because everyone knows at least one little shit who is making his parents’ lives miserable and yet this little monster is getting ridiculous amounts of loot under the tree every year.
#5 – Why doesn’t Santa give out gift certificates?
You know what? It is actually, theoretically, possible for every kid in the world to be given one gift a night. A cash gift. If you’re Santa, why would you go riding your fat asss around the globe when you can just get one of your elves to click a button on a computer and email every kid a toy store gift certificate?
That’s a lot, mind you, but hey, one of these rich pricks might actually be able to become a real, live Santa Claus.
I don’t know. Do the math and tell me if it’s possible, nerds. Estimate how many Christian kids in the world x how much and factor in if there’s anyone that rich. Even so, I bet that person couldn’t do it every year. It would have to be a one cent gift certificate.
However, we aren’t talking about the average billionaire. We’re talking Santa Claus. If that fat fuck can fly around the world in a night, then surely he could pop a redeem code for 1,000 bucks to every kid’s inbox and then Amazon could do the rest.
Seriously. Bezos would have taken over Santa’s operation by now. Maybe he already has. You parents out there, where’d you kid those kids you’re slapping the fat man’s name on? A site that starts with “A” am I right?
#6 – Your parents slap Santa’s name on gifts.
They work hard all year, selling their souls to employers who provide them no personal satisfaction, then slap a fictional fat man’s name on the gifts bought with the proceeds of their slave labor just to make your childish fantasies come true. God, you little brats make me want to puke. Somebody staple my uterus shut.
#7 – Santa could never be married.
Because, remember, no one likes a fat fuck, even a bitch as fat as Mrs. Claus is dreaming about losing weight and getting spit roasted by a duo of hunky male dancers.
#8 – Elves aren’t real.
You think any large group of workers would work that much for free…without organizing a union? Bitch, please.
#9 – Intellectual property
You really think Bill Gates wouldn’t be suing Santa into oblivion for giving out free X-Boxes?
#10 – It’s impossible to fly around the world in one night.
Have you seen all the cell phone shot videos on the news lately? People can’t fly across the country without some crazy ass fight breaking out and delaying the flight, but you think a fat man can fly around the world and stop at every house in one night?
CONCLUSIONS
Sorry to break it to you, kids, but Santa isn’t real. Was it hard for me to tell you this and ruin your childhoods? No. Because I’m a professional news breaker. This is what I do.
Ahh, nerds. We do love to bitch and moan about our nerd movies.
Oh well. Let me add to the bitch fest.
From BQB HQ in fabulous East Randomtown, here are the Top Ten Things Wrong With Star Wars: The Last Jedi.
SPOILERS ABOUND!!!
#10 – A Lost Opportunity for Rey and Ren
There’s a scene where Kylo Ren turns on Snoke, then offers Rey an opportunity to join with him. Screw the First Order. Screw the Resistance. Perhaps they are just two opposing forces who live to destroy. Together, they could unite and bring peace to the galaxy.
Rey refuses but maybe that would have been more interesting if she had accepted? The franchise does eventually need to go off in a new direction. This could have been it. Perhaps some gray area of who the bad guy is would be a cool development. Would Finn have to fight his friend?
#9 – Luke Was a Whiny Bitch
He always was, but there was too much whining and not enough training. Rey and Luke never bond or form a master/trainee relationship.
#8 – Who the Hell is Snoke?
Snoke is basically a poor man’s Emperor. Sounds like him. Acts like him. Who is he? What’s his background? Where did he come from? We never learn much about him. For an all-powerful being, he is dispatched a little too easily.
#7 – The Force Belongs to All of Us
An appeal to modern sensibilities but it forgets rules. I mean, the mitochlorian thing was always stupid, but once a rule is made, i.e. Jedis have special blood, then the rule is made. Or forgetting mitochlorians, because it always was stupid, there was always at least the idea that only special people can control the Force. Now Luke accuses the Jedi of hoarding Force power that should have been used by all? Sigh.
#6 – Stick with the Rules
Speaking of rule breaking – the Force requires training. Some discover they can use it, but to use it to a large degree has always required training. Did Leia train to pull herself out of space? Cool scene, but without an explanation of her training, it’s breaking a rule.
#5 – Casino Planet
Seemed like a weak attempt to blend Star Wars and James Bond.
#4 – Why Project?
Why did they have Luke project his form if he was just going to die anyway? Lame.
#3 – I Hope Rey Isn’t the Last Jedi
In the years to come, the franchise can go in all sorts of directions. Perhaps there will be stories that branch off from the original trilogy, the original characters, etc. New heroes rise, new villains and new threats emerge. At any rate, you’ll always need Jedis. Sorry, but to the average Joe, “Jedi” is a word that means “person who uses the Force.” Gotta have Jedis. No one wants to see uh, I don’t know, the uh “Kadoobie Doobie Warriors” or what have you.
#2 – Rey Has No Training
Remember how Luke had to train with Obi Wan? How Anakin had to train with Obi Wan?
Remember when Rey got training and…oh wait, no she just picked up a lightsaber one day and was a master at it. Huh. Odd. Sounds like a rule break.
#1 – Master/Apprentice
Speaking of, the Master and Apprentice roles have served Star Wars well. Kylo’s master is Snoke. Rey has no Master but could use one.
YOUR THOUGHTS
Did you see something wrong with Star Wars? Discuss in the comments.
Bookshelf Battle 