Tag Archives: aliens

Jul 19 2015
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Ask the Alien

Ask the Alien – 7/19/15 – Marion Stein – Alien and/or Yoga Jones

By:  Alien Jones, Intergalactic Correspondent

Greetings Earth losers!

The magnanimous mind of Alien Jones here, once again bringing you the knowledge required to raise your planet above its current status as the laughing stock of the Milky Way.

Author Marion Stein asks:

https://twitter.com/Marionstein/status/620621723302559744

Ah, the confusion is understandable.  Madam, I do believe you have confused Yoga Jones with…

A Jones doing yoga.

… a Jones doing yoga.

Don’t worry about it.  Happens all the time.  While I’m at it, allow me to deny being the relative of:

  • Tommy Lee Jones (that craggy faced actor who once told The Fugitive he didn’t care and to put the gun down now.)
  • Shirley Jones (Matriarch of The Partridge Family)
  • Angus T. Jones (The half-man on the CBS sitcom Two and a Half Men)
  • Catherine Zeta-Jones (Welsh actress, ex-wife of Michael Douglas.)
  • James Earl Jones (Voice of Darth Vader, Mustafa, and CNN)
  • January Jones (Don Draper’s first wife, the one he cheated on a lot but wishes he hadn’t)

For the record, my name actually isn’t Alien Jones.  The closest written approximation of my real name is:

H’awa’lekquar Zalazalazalazalazaladimmadimaballa Koveenomix Tromphilogate Scriblero 17.5 Twanny Twim Twally Bolorolax Bek ZsaZsaGabor Heeka heeka heeka heeka AWOLLAGAX!

That translation really doesn’t do it justice.

You might have noticed there’s a “Zsa Zsa Gabor” in there.  No, I don’t share a name with an aristocratic Hungarian actress of the 1960’s.  In my language, “ZsaZsa” means “Peace” and “Gabor” means prosperity.  Thus, there’s the old tradition on my planet of saying, “Good day to you, and may much Zsa Zsa Gabor come your way!”

To properly pronounce my name, you’d have to:

  •  Pull out your tongue
  • Allow another person to jump over it like it was a jumprope
  • Tie it in a knot
  • Untie it again and…
  • Lick a frog

You don’t actually have to lick a frog.  I just wanted to see if someone out there would.

Thus, since my name is so difficult to pronounce, I just go with an Earthly last name, hence “Alien Jones.”

Are you a fan of Orange is the New Black?  Admittedly, my boss, the Mighty Potentate, is a fan as well.  With its mix of humor and drama, not to mention rich character development, His Supreme Fabulousness deems this program to be one more blow against the impending tide of unscripted reality television.  Quality fiction is the only thing that can stop the menace that is reality TV from spreading across the universe.

On Marion’s blog, marionstein.net, one can find a number of articles that can help humans improve their intelligence. Thank goodness I’m not the only one devoted to this Herculean effort.

Further, Bookshelf Q. Battler’s 3.5 readers can check out Marion’s Amazon Author Page.  “Blood Diva” seems like an especially saucy tale, one about a French courtesan turned vampire.

BQB:  Alien Jones!  What do aliens call vampires?

AJ:  Attorneys!

Bookshelf Battle Blog Legal Counsel Delilah K. Donnelly of Pop Culture Mysteries fame excluded, of course.

Interestingly, Marion’s author page notes she has a background as a social worker.  I view myself as a social worker of sorts.  What do I do if not help humans become better people by sharing with them the knowledge of my genius brain?

And believe you me, I do this work because it’s a labor of love on my part, and not, as rumored, because the Mighty Potentate has threatened to shoot me out of a cannon directly into one of my home planet’s many suns if I fail to do so.

Thank you for your question, Marion.  Continue to educate the humans with your words.  I can’t be the only one on the job.

Alien Jones is the Intergalactic Correspondent for the Bookshelf Battle. Do you have a question for the Esteemed Brainy One? Submit it to Bookshelf Q. Battler via a tweet to @bookshelfbattle, leave it in the comment section on this site, or drop it off on the Bookshelf Battle Google + page. If AJ likes your question, he might promote your book, blog, or other project while providing his answer.

Submit your questions by midnight Friday each week for a chance to be featured in his Sunday column. And if you don’t like his response, just let him know and he’ll file it into the recycling bin of his monolithic super computer. No muss, no fuss, no problem.

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Jul 15 2015
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Alien Jones on a Hot Streak

Alien Jones

Alien Jones

Bookshelf Q. Battler here to talk about my intergalactic correspondent, the one, the only, the pantsless Alien Jones.

The Esteemed Brainy One has been on a roll lately.

He of the Amazing Gray Matter has had a question from a different self published author to answer every Sunday for the past four weeks, and there’s already one in the cue for this Sunday.  That’ll make five weeks of AJ goodness.

On top of that, since his column began earlier this year, he has amassed quite an impressive list of author promos.

3.5 readers, I never asked to be the chosen one of an unnamed planet’s Supreme and Unquestioned Overlord.  When Alien Jones showed up at the Bookshelf Battle compound and informed me the Mighty Potentate had sent him on a mission to help me get my writing career off the ground, I was truly humbled.

Alien Jones’ Mission?

To:

A)  Answer questions from self-publishing authors in his “Ask the Alien Column.”

The Mighty Potentate, Supreme and Unquestionable Ruler of a Planet the Name of Which is None of Your Beeswax

The Mighty Potentate, Supreme and Unquestionable Ruler of a Planet the Name of Which is None of Your Beeswax

This mission stems largely from the Mighty Potentate’s utter disgust with Earth’s reality television and a fear that these horrid shows will one day permeate the airwaves of every television in the universe (including the Potentate’s home planet) if more fiction and/or scripted media is not produced to stem the tide.

Thus, by enlisting Alien Jones to write for my blog, the Mighty Potentate hopes:

B)  Earthlings will read his answers and become smarter.  Increased intelligence=increased aversion to shows about models deciding which handbag to buy, or which billionaire to marry, or dudes running pawn shops, or catching fish, or pawning their fish.

Here’s a chicken vs. the egg scenario: Does reality tv make Earthlings dumber or do we produce and consume so much reality TV because we’re so dumb in the first place?

(We may think we’re smart but we’re comparatively dumb compared to the highly accomplished aliens of Alien Jones’ homeworld, the name of which the Mighty Potentate refuses to publicize out of a fear that Hollywood suits will invest in and unlock the secrets of interspace travel so as to deliver shows about Kim Kardashian throughout the cosmos.)

C)  Alien Jones’ witty commentaries will bring more eyes on my work, thus attracting Hollywood suits to turn my ideas into movies and TV shows, thus reducing air time for reality TV.

D)  AJ’s promos of other self-published authors will also help promote more fiction and veer the public’s attention away from reality TV.

REALITY TELEVISION SHOWS THAT MOST OFFEND THE MIGHTY POTENTATE

1)  So You Want to Be an Emu Farmer?

2)  Schmuck House (Twelve people of various backgrounds live together in a house for a year and compete to be the biggest schmuck)

3)  Hot Women Go Shopping and Carry Purse Dogs and You Really Want to Marry Them Until They Start Talking

4)  Body Odor Wars

5)  Cactus Trimmers

6)  Hoarders vs. Preppers

7)  Hoarders vs. Preppers vs. Zombies

8)  Hot Dog Stand Intervention (A world renowned hot dog cooking expert travels the world helping hot dog cart vendors upgrade and pimp out their hot dog carts)

9)  Rabid Badger Island (10 idiots are dropped off on an island with a rabid badger.  Who will survive?  Who will be eaten by a rabid badger?  Alliances will be made and loyalties tested.)

10)  Mr. Outdoorsman – (This week, Mr. Outdoorsman survives in the wild for three weeks drinking his own fluids and consuming nothing but bugs and grass only to realize he’s not lost, he was in his own back yard the entire time and his house is five feet away).

Is there a point to this post?

Yes.

If you’re a self-published author, be a sport and ask Alien Jones a question.  He’ll come up with a witty answer, promo your book, your author blog, page, etc.

In addition to being promo’d on bookshelfbattle.com, BQB always tweets a link to AJ’s column on Twitter, and posts a link on his Bookshelf Battle Google Plus page.

Do you have anything to lose?  Not really.  If you decide you despise Alien Jones’ promo of your work, no problem.  Just bring it to BQB’s attention and AJ’s promo of your work will be vaporized.

That hasn’t been a problem yet though.  Every author so far has been pretty pleased.

I’d love it if this could become a thing, like getting parodied on SNL, you know you’ve made it in the self publishing racquet if the little green guy answers your question.

What can your question be about?  Anything.  Some people get elaborate.  Some make it simple.  You can be funny and witty or serious, whatever.  Several authors have picked subject matters that are discussed in their books but that’s up to you.

Think of it this way.  One day when your book sells a million copies, Jimmy Fallon will demand you come on the Tonight Show and do an outrageous bit with him.  Asking the Alien a question is like practice for your big day.

Needless to say, the Esteemed Brainy One always reserves the right to NOT answer your question or NOT promo you.  It hasn’t happened yet but, you know, if your book’s called “Hooray for Hitler!” we’re going to take a pass.

As always, thanks for reading 3.5 readers.

Let’s keep this Alien Jones hot streak going.

Sincerely,

Bookshelf Q. Battler, World Renowned Poindexter, Reviewer of Books, Movies, and Assorted Cultural Happenings, Champion Yeti Fighter and Blogger-in-Chief for the Bookshelf Battle Blog

Green alien image courtesy of a shutterstock.com license.

Gray alien image courtesy of openclipart.org

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Jul 09 2015
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Ask the Alien

Alien Jones Abducting Your Questions!

And he really wants to answer them too.

Alien Jones abducting questions from indie authors.

Alien Jones abducting questions from indie authors.

And not just because his Supreme Overlord, the Mighty Potentate, has threatened to vaporize him if he doesn’t.

Still need proof?  Here’s a conversation we had just the other day:

BQB:  Alien Jones, you’d still help indie authors promote their books on the Bookshelf Battle Blog even if the Mighty Potentate hadn’t threatened to vaporize you, right?

AJ:  Ummm…

BQB:  I doubt he’s listening.

AJ:  He’s totally listening!  He knows all!  YES!  Yes, of course, I love answering human questions.  It warms the cockles of my ganderflazer it surely does.  I love writing the “Ask the Alien” column just as much as I love the Mighty Potentate.

Alien Jones is the Intergalactic Correspondent for the Bookshelf Battle Blog, on a mission to raise Earth’s collective intelligence levels one question at a time. Do you have a question for the Esteemed Brainy One? Tweet it to @bookshelfbattle on Twitter, leave it in the comments on bookshelfbattle.com, or stop by Bookshelf Battle on Google Plus. If he likes your question, he might even promote your book, blog, other project in his answer.

Image courtesy of a shutterstock.com license.

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Jul 05 2015
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Ask the Alien

Ask the Alien – 7/05/15 – Higgs Boson

By: Alien Jones, Intergalactic Correspondent

Greetings Earth Losers.  Alien Jones here, once again helping Bookshelf Q. Battler’s blog, purely out of a desire to help this nerd get his writing career off the ground and not because the Mighty Potentate has threatened to vaporize me while my government mandated life mate watches.

Ahh, that Mighty Potentate.  What a card.

Alien Steve hard at work on the Potentate Particle

Alien Steve hard at work on the Potentate Particle

As you 3.5 readers are aware, I have other commitments.  I’ve been busy trying to quell a brewing civil war in the Kovire system. Something to do with a scandal involving one of the ruling dictator’s 10,000 wives.  I’ll spare you the sordid details.

Suffice to say I’ve been busy, so my apologies for getting to this question so late. Author K.D. Rose whose works include The Brevity of Twit: Poetry in 140 Characters asks:

June 22.  Welcome to the Bookshelf Battle Blog, where our motto is, “We get to your questions before the next Ice Age.”

Ahh yes, Higgs Boson.  You adorable humans think you’ve unlocked the secrets of the so-called “God Particle.”

Here’s a NY Times explanation presented in a manner easily understood by the delicate human brain.

Watching humans work on science is like watching a monkey try to open up a can of beans, except sooner or later the monkey actually accomplishes the task.

While Earth scientists have done their best in this area, my colleague, Alien Steve, the most revered scientist on my home planet, made this discovery eons ago.  Dubbed, “the Potentate Particle,” Alien Steve determined through carefully conducted scientific analysis that the field in which particles are located is made out of microscopic grape jelly particles.

It makes sense when you try to wrap your mind around it.  Grape jelly holds things together, whether it be two slices of bread or many, many particles.

Of course, Alien Steve named his discovery in honor of our beloved Supreme and Undisputed Overlord, the Mighty Potentate, because of his love and admiration for our illustrious benefactor and not out of fear of vaporization.

I mean, legally we’re required on our planet to tell you we do everything out of a sense of love and admiration for the Mightiest of Potentates, but that law is silly.  We’d do it anyway because we love and admire the guy so much.

Thank you for question and please continue tweeting your poetry to the twitterverse.

Alien Jones is the Intergalactic Correspondent for the Bookshelf Battle Blog, on a mission to raise Earth’s collective intelligence levels one question at a time. Do you have a question for the Esteemed Brainy One? Tweet it to @bookshelfbattle on Twitter, leave it in the comments on bookshelfbattle.com, or stop by Bookshelf Battle on Google Plus. If he likes your question, he might even promote your book, blog, other project in his answer.

Green alien image courtesy of a shutterstock.com license.

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Jul 02 2015
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Ask the Alien

5000 Twitter Followers – A Message to the Mighty Potentate

SECURE TRANSMISSION

TO:  The Mightiest of Potentates, He Whose Wonderous Nature Provides Smiles and Happiness in All Corners of the Universe

FROM:  Alien Jones, Your Humble Servant, Intergalactic Correspondent for the Bookshelf Battle Blog

Respectful Greetings, Mighty Potentate!  Allien Jones here to report that Bookshelf Q. Battler has reached 5000 followers on the social media site known as “Twitter.”

How Aliens Send E-Mail

How Aliens Send E-Mail

As you are already aware because there is nothing our genius species doesn’t already know, Twitter is a communications site that limits the humans to a mere 140 characters.

Lab studies indicate that messages of 141 characters or longer cause the average human brain to implode from confusion.

Surely with this magnanimous achievement, I may now be released from my assignment of assisting BQB with his writing career.

I make this request, oh Exceptionally Macho One, for when I am able to cut loose from this nerd, er I mean, this bold new talent, I will be able to serve you better in your mission to bring peace and prosperity throughout the cosmos.

Why, at this very moment, I could be coordinating the charitable efforts to help the citizens of Lukanamo rebuild their planet after the recent and most devastating hurratyphoonicane.

(I keep advising the Regent of Lukanamo to stop letting his subjects build in hurratyphoonicane zones but does he listen?  Noooooo.

Infinite Respectful Closings, oh Unfathomably Brilliant One.

Your Humble Servent,

Alien Jones.

@bookshelfbattle has reached 5,000 twitter followers!  While an amazing feat, BQB is already drooling over the possibility of reaching 10K.  Help him out with a follow. You’ll get more awesomeness and updates about what’s happening at bookshelfbattle.com

Alien Jones is the Intergalactic Correspondent for the Bookshelf Battle Blog, on a mission to raise Earth’s collective intelligence levels one question at a time. Do you have a question for the Esteemed Brainy One? Tweet it to @bookshelfbattle on Twitter, leave it in the comments on bookshelfbattle.com, or stop by Bookshelf Battle on Google Plus. If he likes your question, he might even promote your book, blog, other project in his answer.

Alien image courtesy of a shutterstock.com license.

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Jun 14 2015
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Ask the Alien

Ask the Alien – 6/14/15 – Intelligent Plant Life

By: Alien Jones, Intergalactic Correspondent

Greetings, Earth Losers!  ‘Tis I, Alien Jones, here to once again shed some light on the questions that vex your dump of a planet.

No offense.  I meant that in a nice way.

Alien Jones took in a movie as

Alien Jones took in a movie as “research” for this column.

This week’s question comes from Connie Flanagan of the blog, “Everything Indie.”  She writes:

“Bookshelf Q. Battler, how very flattered you must feel to have been selected to be the human emissary of Alien Jones and the Mighty Potentate.”

Ah, of course BQB is touched to have been selected as the chosen one by the Mighty Potentate, aren’t you BQB?

BQB:  You know, I was at first, but now it’s just like, “What have these guys done for me lately?”  I mean, holy crap, I have the power of space aliens behind me and my blog is still less popular than that “Peanut Butter Jelly Time” video.  Back to you, AJ.

“It’s peanut butter jelly time!  Peanut butter jelly time!  Peanut butter jelly…peanut butter jelly!”  Wait?  What?  Blast! Now that infernal song is stuck in my head!

And don’t blame me for your failures, Bookshelf Q. Battler.  You know you could have skipped watching Spy last night and done some writing!

BQB:  It was for the blog!

Yeah yeah.  It’s always for the blog, isn’t it?  Anyway, Connie goes on:

My question is admittedly mundane, but it’s one I’ve been curious about for some time: As a vegetarian, I’ve become concerned that plant-life may also have intelligence and emotional lives. If so, do they resent being cultivated for human consumption and having the genetics of their offspring/offshoots altered?

Not a mundane question at all.  In fact, it’s a very astute one.

Bookshelf Q. Battler!  Do you recall the 2008 film The Happening by director M. Night Shyamalan?

BQB:  Oh my God!  So awful!  I’ve been complaining about it for years!  So basically, this was yet another attempt by Shyamalan to wow the audience with a twist at the end, but as usual, he just fails to recreate the success of his first film, The Sixth Sense.

What happens?  Should we be concerned about SPOILERS?

BQB:  You should be concerned with getting your money back if you waste your time on this piece of crap.  So here’s what happens.  Mark Wahlberg stars as a man protecting his family in the wake of a toxin that’s been released into the air that’s making people commit suicide.  The twist at the end of the film?  The toxin has been released by plants!  Yes, plants! They’re tired of mankind’s mistreatment of the planet and as it turns out, they’re the culprits who have poisoned humanity.

Well, here’s the deal.  The Happening isn’t just a horrible movie.  It’s also a documentary of what could potentially happen to your planet one day if people don’t start taking better care of the environment.

You see, M. Night Shyamalan is in fact, a space alien.  He hails from Planet Shamalama, a world once inhabited by humans until the plants got tired and released a toxin that convinced everyone to off themselves.  Shyamalan was one of a select few who were able to escape in time.

(Fun side note: Otis Day and the Knights are also from the same planet. They cashed in by becoming musical performers.  Their hit, “Shama Lama Ding Dong” is actually the national anthem of their homeland.)

Shamalama was once a pinnacle of technology and industry, with factories blowing smoke and churning out various products from an ever consuming populace.  When the plants got tired of it, they staged a revolution.

Today, the hierarchy of ruling classes on Shamalama are as follows:

SQUASH – The Gold Class – They make all important decisions.

STRAWBERRIES – The Silver Class – They work behind the scenes to manipulate all plant and vegetable matter to carry out the bidding of the Supreme Squash.

LEGUMES – The Bronze Class – The worker bees of the planet who carry out the lesser tasks.

Rose bushes, pine cones, cucumbers, rododendrons, grass – they all have their own tasks that I won’t bother with.  Suffice to say, the plants have that world running like a well oiled machine now and frankly, are doing a better job than the Shama Lama Ding Dongs ever did.

(That’s the actual name of the former residents of Shamalama.)

BQB:  AJ, Attorney Donnelly just called and she says she’s too busy to fend off any potential lawsuits that might be generated by referring to M. Knight Shyamalan and Otis Day and the Knights as Shama Lama Ding Dong aliens from Planet Shamalama.

Oh, will you stop?  Great Garbanax, this place has gotten less fun since that woman showed up.  “You can’t say this!  You can’t say that!”

You’re probably just trying to shamelessly plug your new series, “Pop Culture Mysteries.”

“Oh look at me!  I’m Bookshelf Q. Battler!  Five more people read one of my stories than usual so I’m ready for my payday, Hollywood!”

Get over yourself, BQB.

And besides…M. “Knight” Shyamalan.  Otis Day and the “Knights.”  It’s not like they’re hiding it.  It’s fairly obvious that only the knights of Shamalama would have had access to escape pods when the plants took over.

Finally, Connie also writes:

Also–and please beg for tolerance from Alien Jones and the Mighty Potentate for my positing two questions rather than just one–is there anything digestible by humans that doesn’t resent being eaten and/or genetically modified?

I’m afraid not.  Garbanzo beans.  Wheat germ.  Carrots.  Rutabagas.  Turnips.  There literally is not one piece of food without a mind and a soul that isn’t shouting, “Ouch!” on the inside as soon as you bite into it.

But try not to let that get you down.  You’ve got to eat, right?

Try to focus on string beans.  Those guys are notorious a-holes and won’t be missed.

Alien Jones is the Intergalactic Correspondent for the Bookshelf Battle Blog, on a mission to raise Earth’s collective intelligence levels one question at a time. Do you have a question for the Esteemed Brainy One? Tweet it to @bookshelfbattle on Twitter, leave it in the comments on bookshelfbattle.com, or stop by Bookshelf Battle on Google Plus. If he likes your question, he might even promote your book, blog, other project in his answer.

Alien image courtesy of a shutterstock.com license.

Attorney Donnelly feels the need to reiterate that M. Knight Shyamalan and Otis Day and the Knights are not space aliens.  

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May 31 2015
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Ask the Alien

Ask the Alien – Halfway Through the One Post a Year Challenge

By:  Alien Jones, Intergalactic Correspondent

"Carry the one, add in the denominator and, hey! What do you know? It all still adds up to 3.5!"

“Carry the one, add in the denominator and, hey! What do you know? It all still adds up to 3.5!”

Greetings Earth losers!  No one’s bothered to consult my genius alien brain lately but that’s ok.  I’ve been monitoring your news reports and what with everyone down there on your pitiful excuse for a planet shooting each other every five minutes, I’ve no doubt you’ve all got this shit locked down.  Why bother asking a supreme being for answers when you all know everything anyway?

Sorry.  I don’t speak with emotion so you may not have noticed the sarcasm.

Anyhow, tomorrow Bookshelf Q. Battler will reach the halfway mark of his one post a day for a year challenge.  Yes, you poor people have been subject to BQB’s daily blatherings without a break for an entire six months now.  Either you didn’t notice or you’ve grown numb to the stupidity.

Stupidity?  I meant to say BQB is a genius.  I have to because for some peculiar reason, my boss, the Mighty Potentate, sees potential in this nerd.  That means I have to see potential in him to.

Yes.  Just change his name to Bookshelf Q. Potentialer.

How’s BQB doing now that we’ve reached the point of no return?

Let’s take a look:

WORDPRESS FOLLOWERS:

Dec 2014 – 450 approx

Today = 1,069

TWITTER FOLLOWERS: 

Dec 2014 – 2000 approx

Today = 4,586

VIEWS:

As of Dec. 2014 = 4,658

Jan-May 31, 2015 =  12,335

VISITORS: 

As of Dec. 2014 = 3,263

Jan-May 31, 2015= 6,941

YETIS ACQUIRED: 

As of Dec. 2014 = 0 (Considered a good thing

Jan-May 31, 2015 = 1 (A terrible setback)

I’ll hand it to our illustrious blog host.  The proof, as they say, is in the pudding.  I’ve never understood why Earthlings say that though.  Is there some criminal out there who hides all of the evidence against him at the bottom of a gigantic vat of tapioca?

But I digress.  Daily blogging, interacting with readers, social media, etc. has helped BQB put his stats on the rise.  He’s not at the point where he can assure the Mighty Potentate that his writing will distract the masses from the reality television that he despises so much, but it would appear that increased daily improvements, no matter how small, add up over time.

Thank you for your continued support of BQB.  Though I could care less, I can’t really, for the Mightiest of Potentates, He Whose Ganderflazer Dwarves Mine in Comparison, requires me to care.

So care I shall.

Alien Jones is the Intergalactic Correspondent for the Bookshelf Battle Blog, on a mission to raise Earth’s collective intelligence levels one question at a time. Do you have a question for the Esteemed Brainy One? Tweet it to @bookshelfbattle on Twitter, leave it in the comments on bookshelfbattle.com, or stop by Bookshelf Battle on Google Plus. If he likes your question, he might even promote your book, blog, other project in his answer.

Alien image courtesy of a shutterstock.com license.

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May 24 2015
7 Comments
Ask the Alien

Ask the Alien – Is Hollywood Capturing What Aliens Really Look Like?

By:  Alien Jones, Intergalactic Correspondent

Greetings Earth Losers!

Alien Jones here once again to educate humanity’s masses and help you help yourselves.

This week, avid Bookshelf Battle Blog Reader “Sledpress” has consulted my genius brain thusly:

“But I WANT to see “Flatulence Intervention!” One of my string of weird ex’es needs it…

On the other hand, I’ve been meaning to ask AJ whether a majority of aliens have weirdly wrinkled and shiny leathery skin, or if it’s just that somewhere in Hollywood there are warehouses full of unused Naugahyde that they have to work off.”

Flatulence Intervention is just one of the many reality television programs that my Supreme Overlord, the Mighty Potentate wants off Earth airwaves before it offends his eye receptacles on our home planet, the name of which I’m not allowed to tell you as His Royal Pontentositude fears Hollywood suits will spend copious amounts of Earth money to unlock intergalactic travel for humanity for the sole purpose of peddling reality TV to our home world.

Other Reality TV programs that offend His Epic Potentosity:

DJ Jazzy Jones

DJ Jazzy Jones

  • Nuns with Hangovers
  • Name that Smell
  • Legendary Rock Star Becomes Old, Forgetful and Hilarious
  • America’s Next Top Barbershop Quartet
  • Fishing with Fred (That’s pretty much the whole show.  Fred goes fishing.)

Anyway, Sledpress basically wants to know if Hollywood is doing a good job of capturing what aliens look like.

Well, yes and no.

With their limited imaginations, humans conceive of the concept that there are worlds where beings look vastly different than what they are used to.

For example, renowned science fiction director James Cameron provided your world with the grotesque and hideously scary “Aliens” in the Alien movies.

Years later, he tried to make a fictional species that appeared beautiful in 2009’s Avatar but the effort fell flat and he basically just produced a race of half-man/half-smurfs.

(Seriously, everyone and their Uncle opined that damn movie was going to be the best thing since sliced bread but you haven’t watched it again since you saw it in the theater have you?)

Where Cameron gets it right is this:  there are some alien species that you humans, based on your own concepts of beauty, would find attractive or disgusting.

However, keep in mind that beauty or ugliness is in the eye of the beholder.

Some beings would never be attracted to beings with “wrinkly naugahyde skin.”  Others won’t go anywhere near a being who doesn’t have it.

It’s a diverse universe out there and every alien has their own preconceived notions of what is and is not appealing.

Personally, I’m glad that my species has developed cloning and outgrown the need for procreation, as that’s a whole rat race that isn’t worth it.  My government mandated life mate and I get along because the Mighty Potentate demands that we do so and that’s all this being needs to know.

Alien Jones is the Intergalactic Correspondent for the Bookshelf Battle Blog, on a mission to raise Earth’s collective intelligence levels one question at a time. Do you have a question for the Esteemed Brainy One? Tweet it to @bookshelfbattle on Twitter, leave it in the comments on bookshelfbattle.com, or stop by Bookshelf Battle on Google Plus. If he likes your question, he might even promote your book, blog, other project in his answer.

Alien image courtesy of a shutterstock.com license.

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May 19 2015
9 Comments
Ask the Alien

Get Abducted! Help Alien Jones!

Alien Jones.

"Pardon me, Earth loser. Do you have any honey mustard sauce for my space nuggets?"

“Pardon me, Earth loser. Do you have any honey mustard sauce for my space nuggets?”

He’s on a two-fold mission:

1)  Help get Bookshelf Q. Battler’s blog off the ground, thus introducing a writer who will stem the tide of reality programming.  AJ’s boss, the Mighty Potentate, hates reality programming.

2) Answer questions posed to him in his “Ask the Alien” column, which he writes in an effort to raise Earth’s collective level of intelligence and help it overcome its label of “Dumbest Planet in the Universe.”  (Theoretically, this could help with the anti-reality TV mission.)

Do you have a question for the Esteemed Brainy one?  Submit it in the comments, tweet it to @bookshelfbattle or leave it on the Bookshelf Battle Google Plus page.

Together, we can stop the onslaught of reality programming, thus ensuring the Mighty Potentate’s eye holes won’t be offended by the likes of:

Reality TV Shows the Mighty Potentate Hates

1)  Goat Martial Artists

2)  Nazi Housewives of Kalamazoo

3)  Flatulence Intervention

4)  Who Wants to Marry a Clown?  (As in an actual circus clown)

5)  The spin off – America’s Next Top Clown  (Clowns compete in a clown judged competition to be the nation’s favorite clown)

6)  Dancing with the Hobos

7)  Day in the Life of Insert Formerly Fabulous Now Elderly and Incompetent Movie Star, Singer, Other Entertainer

8)  Satan’s Breakfast Nook (It’s like Hell’s Kitchen, but an angry chef yells at you that you’re scrambling the eggs all wrong)

9)  Schmuck Island

10)  Antique Ninjas (Not old ninjas but ninjas who go antiquing)

Alien Jones hates stupidity and intergalactic fast food workers who forget to put his honey mustard sauce in the bag.

He’ll have to get his own honey mustard, but let’s him help him answer some questions.  Ask away.

As always, he’ll plug your book or blog in his answer.

Alien abduction image courtesy of a shutterstock.com license

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May 17 2015
6 Comments
Ask the Alien

Ask the Alien Special Edition – What is the Meaning of Life?

Greetings Earth Losers!

Don't forget AJ's dipping sauce.

Don’t forget AJ’s dipping sauce.

Alien Jones here, coming to you from somewhere deep in the cosmos where I am solving a most delicate situation of grave intergalactic importance:

Why did those imbeciles at Star Burger forget my honey mustard dipping sauce?

I hate that!  Don’t you?  Why, I have no bits and pieces so I can only assume, but I would imagine that dreaming of succulent trobonka bird tenders all day long only to get twenty light years from the restaurant and discover that you’re going to have to eat your dinner dry is more or less equivalent to being an Earth man, having Charlize Theron knock on your front door, demand to have her way with you but alas, you’ve been outfitted for a pair of iron under pants and the key has been tossed straight into the briney deep of the Pacific Ocean.

Apologies for the rant, Earth Losers.  Sometimes as an All-Knowing Being, it’s not easy for me to suffer fools lightly.

Or at all, really.  Next time I’m in that quadrant that Star Burger is totally getting vaporized.

For those just joining us, I am the intergalactic correspondent for this pitiful excuse for a blog.  My supreme overlord, the Mighty Potentate, has deemed that only Bookshelf Q. Battler’s writing abilities can save the universe from the spread of the blight on all mortal beings’ existence known as “reality television.”

Further, he has demanded that I assist BQB in his quest to attract an audience to his blog.  (Why he didn’t just ask me to bring a dinosaur back to life and dance the cha cha with it I don’t know but who am I to question the Mightiest of Potentates?)

In fact, the MP and I discussed this very subject this morning:

MP:  It won’t stop, Alien Jones!  “Trucker Rodeo!”  “Tuna Farm Warriors!”  “Rodeo Drive Debutants!”  “Biker Gang Crochet Party!”

AJ:  I’m sorry, Mighty Potentate.

MP:  You must get BQB’s writing career off the ground!  People won’t seek their entertainment from “Barbershop Quartet Rumble” when BQB’s stories hit the big time!

AJ:  Are you sure, Your Potentosity?  No offense, but this guy is kind of a nerd…

MP:  DO YOU DARE QUESTION THE MIGHTY POTENTATE?

AJ:  No!  No!  Of course not, Mighty Potentate!

MP:  Report on the status of “Operation Find BQB an Audience!”

AJ:  He’s started blogging a story in an ongoing serial format.

MP:  WHAT?  I THOUGHT I TOLD YOU TO MAKE HIM POST PHOTOS OF KIM KARDASHIAN AND MILEY CYRUS WRESTLING IN A VAT OF JELLO!

AJ:  I tried, sir.  He wouldn’t hear of it.  He said that cheap form of entertainment would go against your war on reality television.

MP:  Blast!  He’s right.  I have been out-potentated.

Anyway, telling you this was my way of reminding you that I’m available to answer your questions, thus fulfilling the Mighty Potentate’s other goal, to help lift your planet from its lowly state of stupidity.

One question you might have as you read BQB’s serial is, “What is the meaning of life?”

I’m not sure to answer that question without giving any SPOILERS relative to BQB’s story.  And I already ruined the surprise of that every star exploding thing so I don’t want to screw up your day twice.

I could answer this question with all kinds of flow charts and data but instead, let me just state simply:

What isn’t the meaning of life?

Food for thought, Earth losers.  And speaking of food, mine is still dry because some minimum space wage clown was TOO STUPID TO TOSS A HONEY MUSTARD CUP INTO A BAG!!!

Alien Jones is the Intergalactic Correspondent for the Bookshelf Battle Blog, on a mission to raise Earth’s collective intelligence levels one question at a time. Do you have a question for the Esteemed Brainy One? Tweet it to @bookshelfbattle on Twitter, leave it in the comments on bookshelfbattle.com, or stop by Bookshelf Battle on Google Plus. If he likes your question, he might even promote your book, blog, other project in his answer.

Alien image courtesy of a shutterstock.com license.

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