I, Bookshelf Q. Battler, Proprietor of a Book Blog That Has Only Reviewed 4 Books in a Year, Ninja Karate Master of the Drunk Monkey and Regal Swan Attack Patterns, Former King of Madagascar for Three Days (It’s a Long Story, Don’t Ask), Stealth Fighter Test Pilot, Indy Race Car Driver and All Around Bad Ass to End All Bad Asses…
Do hereby officially declare that I quit the one post a day challenge. It was a stupid idea and has left me open to a daily barrage of Highlander attacks, zombie sighting and or potential bitings, Narwhals (Did you know there are living, breathing unicorn whales? Look that shit up, son!), and Yeti roundhouse kickings.
Worse, various ne’er-do-wells who will stop at nothing, NOTHING I SAY to prevent me from spreading my awesomeness to the world have literally, every hour on the hour, locked me in a safe and tossed me into the ocean from a helicopter, leaving me no choice but to make a Houdini style break for it no less than 24 times a day. I don’t want to be a whiner, but that is some tiresome nonsense right there.
I’ve been transported to the Planet of the Apes, shout out of a catapult, sent back in time, sent forward in time just to wait long enough for the technology to travel back in time to be created, and I have been assaulted by so many Cthululus (Cthululi) that I have grown immune to their hideous squiddy faces.
Seriously, this is what I wake up to every morning:
BQB: Uggghh. It’s morning. I’m Bookshelf Q. Battler. I’m tired as crap. I better get get some pants out of the closet and….
CTHULU: OOOGA BOOGA BOOGA! STOP BLOGGING! OOGA!
BQB: ARGH! A CTHULU! :::CTHULU PUNCH!:::
Seriously, Forces of Evil Who Demand I Stop Spreading Literacy, Fun, and Good Times to the Masses. You’ve really outdone yourselves. Goblins in my sock drawer. Socks in my goblin drawer. Gremlins who wait until I fall asleep and then proceed to sing “Don’t Cry for Me, Argentina!” at the top of their creepy little lungs. I haven’t slept since Dec. 31, 2014. Damn you, show tune singing gremlins!
This is no way for the man who trained Chuck Norris, Steven Segal, and Jean Claude Van-Damme to be treated. I am a blogger with skills that have allowed me to amass 3.5 readers. I should not have to Vulcan neck pinch a werewolf every time I want to get a donut from my kitchen. Honest to God, 16 Werewolf neck pinches a day are too much.
But do you want to know the real coup de grace? The real straw that broke the camel’s back? The real bee in my bonnet? The real unidentified substance in my cornflakes?
This evening, around 6:48 pm, I went to the fridge to fetch my strawberry granola cinnamon yogurt parfait only to discover that the YETI ATE MY STRAWBERRY GRANOLA CINNAMON YOGURT PARFAIT!
BQB: Yeti? Did you eat my strawberry granola cinnamon yogurt parfait!
YETI: YES! AND IT WAS DELICIOUS!
Picture Kirk screaming “KHAN!” at the top of his lungs, but with the sonic aftershocks of armageddon thunder from the bowels of Hell. That is how loud I screamed “YETI!” when I discovered that my perpetual captor turned loser houseguest, the Yeti, ate my strawberry granola cinnamon yogurt parfait.
If you were clear across the world, in say, China and you heard the word “YETI!” being yelled, that was me.
BQB’s 3 RULES OF LIFE
1. Never steal another man’s woman.
2. Never challenge a Yeti to a best 2 out of 3 roundhouse kick competition.
3. Never touch another man’s strawberry granola cinnamon yogurt parfait. I don’t know why I need to explain that shit to people when it it literally written in the bible on page 7. Go check your bible. I’ll wait.
So guess what, Evil? I quit. I give up. I’m calling it kaput. You can cease and desist your plans to drop man eating piranhas (piranha?) in my underpants drawer, as if I’m too incompetent to not notice man eating piranhas in my underpants more than 3 times in my life. Seriously, give me some credit.
Stop sending wave after wave of assassins after me. Sure, the fight is exhilarating but when I defeat them with my pinky finger while cooking my breakfast waffle with my free hand, I end up feeling guilty and sad for the assassins. I’m just too nice for my own good.
Also, that asteroid you sent to destroy Earth just so you could take me out? Yes, I did stop it and send it back into space by staring at it in a stern, disapproving manner. What’s that Earth? You didn’t hear anything about Earth being destroyed by a damn asteroid?
Uh…yeah. You’re welcome
I’m out of the game, off the clock, out to lunch, and off in left field. I turn in my blogging papers and give up. I will blog no more. So please stop all the madness, Forces of Evil. You win. The one post a day challenge is over. The world will no longer experience a daily dose of my awesomeness, and you evil creatures get what you want.
Good for you. I hope you’re happy.
3.5 readers (2.5 excluding Aunt Gertie), I thank you for taking this ride with me. I pray you are not disappointed in my decision to quit, but I tell you, there are only so many damn Yetis, sasquatches, assassins, Cthulus, narwhals, bears, and Broadway musical performing gremlins that I can stand.
Lesser men than I would have quit long ago. That I have withstood 3 months of this garbage proves my rugged machismo to the masses.
Speaking of, now that this insane challenge is done, I can now give in to the thrice an hour calls from Katee Sackhoff and Katy Perry, who demand I quit blogging, not because they want to rob the world of my awesomeness, but rather, to have it all to themselves.
I look forward to many days of helping Katee with two ee’s (Katy 1) find new and adventurous sci-fi babes to play. I also can’t wait to write some songs for Katy with a y (Katy 2).
Here’s a littly diddy I cooked up based on her past songs:
La dee la de la…I like to dance.
La de la de la…I like romance.
Dum dee do dee da…candy and smiles.
Dum dee dum dee dum…sing for awhile.
DROPS MIC. IM OUTTIE 5000, SUCKA MC’S! PEACE! YA HEARD?
BQB LEGAL DISCLAIMER: BQB HAS NEVER BEEN CALLED OR CONTACTED BY EITHER KATEE OR KATY. IN FACT, WE HERE AT THE BOOKSHELF Q. BATTLER LEGAL DEPARTMENT ARE FAIRLY CERTAIN SAID LADIES WOULD FIND BQB TO BE A HIDEOUS MUTANT. GOOD DAY, AND GOD BLESS AMERICA.