Tag Archives: blogs

Dec 31 2015
4 Comments
One Post a Day Challenge

BQB Bests the Yeti…AND POSTS FOR 365 DAYS!

By: Bookshelf Q. Battler, World Renowned Poindexter, Reviewer of Pop Cultural Happenings, Champion Yeti Fighter AND POSTER OF 365+ POSTS IN 2015.

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“Ohh…I am the champion, my 3.5 friends! Yes I…roundhouse kicked the Yeti in the face again! I am the champion! I am the champion…no time for losers ‘cuz I am the champion….of this blog!!!”

Happy New Year’s Eve, 3.5 readers. GET BACK IN YOUR CAGE AND THINK ABOUT WHAT YOU’VE DONE, THE YETI!

Bookshelf Q. Battler here, with my last post of the year, the one that makes it official:

I blogged once a day in 2015.

Actually, I blogged a lot more than just once a day. Way more. Plus, I did more than that. I also:

  • Foiled 2 plots by the Yeti to take over BQB HQ, one in the Spring and one five seconds ago. Each time, I managed to secure my freedom by roundhouse kicking the Yeti in the face. Stupid Yeti. When will he ever learn that the path towards keeping 3.5 readers happy is to entertain them, not bore them?
  • Befriended Alien Jones, an intergalactic emissary of the Mighty Potentate, a space despot who has decreed that he will take over Earth if I do not write a novel so eloquent that it inspires all humans to abandon reality television.
  • Met the love of my nerd life, Video Game Rack Fighter while on a mission to discover the meaning of life. Oh, also, I discovered the meaning of life. Or did I? I still need to finish telling you what happened.
  • Contracted with infamous hardboiled noir style private investigator Jake Dashing to solve 100 “Pop Culture Mysteries” by withholding the information he needs to return to 1954, the time period he feels most comfortable in.
  • Survived a zombie apocalypse that broke out in my home town of East Randomtown, set off by my once former mentor turned enemy, Dr. Hugo Von Science. I couldn’t have done it without the help of #31ZombieAuthors. Yes, 31 (actually 32) successful and accomplished people took time out of their busy schedules to help me stop the zombie hordes.

I blogged everyday. I connected with my 3.5 readers on Twitter, Google Plus, and Facebook. I upped my stats and built my platform.

And I couldn’t have done it without my trusty 3.5 readers, like this one:

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“BQB’s undecipherable ramblings get a big thumbs up from me!” – Bookshelf Battle Blog Reader #1 – Samantha Putney, Racine, WN

Or this one…

 

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“The Funky Hunks aren’t that bad in virtual reality…they’re much, much worse!” – Jill Metzler, Bookshelf Battle Blog Reader #2

Or this reader…

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“Bless you, BQB. Whenever my parents tell me I wasted my life I just point them to your blog and tell them, ‘At least I’m not THIS GUY!'” – Bookshelf Battle Blog Reader #3 – Mitch Culpepper, Cleveland, OH.

And who could forget my incorrigible .5th reader?

*AHEM*

I said, “WHO COULD FORGET MY .5th reader!”

Oh never mind. Sure, I could post some sort of photo of half a person or a dwarf but that’d be in very poor taste and also incorrect because as long as you’ve got a brain and a heart, you’re a whole person in my book.

But whoever you are and even though my stat reports only count you as .5th of a reader, you’re loved too, .5th reader!

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Thank you, 3.5 readers.

Thank you for going on this year long journey with me, for putting up with my nonsense, my tomfoolery, my pondexosity.

I’ll be back Jan. 1 to break down the stats of where I was at the start of the year and where I am now but until then, feel free to add to those stats by following me.

Yours truly,

Bookshelf Q. Battler

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Dec 29 2015
4 Comments
One Post a Day Challenge

Bookshelf Battle 2015 in Review

What was your favorite post/moment/happening on the Bookshelf Battle Blog in 2015, oh noble 3.5 readers?

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Dec 22 2015
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Discussions

Discussion – Bookshelf Q. Battler’s Future

POINT: The idea of a fictional blog or blog is super dumb. People barely read at all. They won’t read stories on a blog. You’re wasting time that could be spent on novels.

COUNTERPOINT: I (or the “Alleged Man” behind all this blogging) don’t feel I’m at a point in my life where I can write with reckless abandon using my real name. Ergo, invest some time in producing the Bookshelf Battleverse on Bookshelf Battle and Pop Culture Mysteries. Develop BQB’s persona as a writer who must write to stave off invasion by the Mighty Potentate and BQB can put out books as BQB.

FILE UNDER: Nerd problems.

DISCUSS

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Dec 17 2015
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Pop Culture Mysteries

Pop Culture Mystery of the Week

Geeks, nerds, and assorted poindexters, get your butts on over to popculturemysteries.com – Follow the page  and check back for the Pop Culture Mystery of the Week!

This week’s mystery is “Why Does Capt. Kirk Like Sabotage?” A guy in the future enjoying a Beastie Boys song from the 1990s?  That’s crazy!

Or is it?!

Can’t stand it, I know you planned it…

Are you a writer? Do you love pop culture? Most importantly, DO YOU WORK FOR FREE?!!!  Then let BQB know if YOU, YES YOU would like to be deputized as a pop culture detective and be assigned your very own pop culture mystery!

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Dec 10 2015
8 Comments
Writing

Fictional Blogs – What Do You Think?

Ahem.  *clears throat*

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Bookshelf Q. Battle Dog…in a rare moment where he isn’t licking his nose.

Going forward, the gist of “Bookshelf Battle” is this:

It’s a fictional blog chronicling the adventures of Bookshelf Q. Battler, a nerd/blogger/caretaker of a magic bookshelf. He is the proprietor of “The Bookshelf Battle Blog,” a site that caters only to 3.5 readers. No matter how many readers this site actually gets, in “the story” BQB only gets 3.5 readers.

While pursuing his dream of becoming a writer, BQB faces all manner of villains, yetis, a mad scientist, zombies and more.  He’s haunted by his deceased grumpy uncle and his alive aunt runs circles around him with all the debauchery she gets into.

He lives in East Randomtown, a burg filled with all manner of weirdos, degenerates, and losers, several of whom look to BQB as a leader due to the fact that he’s created a WordPress blog with 3.5 readers, which shows how little the citizenry has achieved. Others argue its the late Doug Hauser, who was an extra for 30 seconds in a 1980’s cop drama, or the late Leo McKoy, the man who’s 95 percent sure he delivered a reuben sandwich to James Van Der Beek at the height of his Dawson’s Creek glory.

In short, East Randomtowners have a tendency to crap on BQB only to then call on him whenever disaster strikes, and as one of few citizens with more than two brain cells to rub together, he feels obliged to save the day.

BQB and his girlfriend, Video Game Rack Fighter are a team.  They support one another in their dreams and goals and also in fighting the various crazies that come their way.

To complicate matters, a maniacal alien despot, “The Mighty Potentate” has deemed BQB to be “the Chosen One,” i.e. the writer who will one day publish a book so finely crafted that it will convince Earthlings to abandon reality television, that form of entertainment truly despised by the Potent One, who prefers scripted media.

To that end, the Mighty Potentate’s emissary, Alien Jones, acts as BQB’s trusted advisor, protector, and confidant. Alien Jones views it as a crap assignment, but sucks it up and does the best he can with it, but often feels dejected whenever he catches BQB staring at his navel and eating cookies when he should be writing.

BQB feels tremendous pressure to write and bring hits to his blog, due to the fact that the Mighty Potentate has declared that he’ll conquer Earth if BQB fails to write a glorious novel.

Finally, there’s a spinoff, “Pop Culture Mysteries.” Jake Dashing, a 1950’s private eye who fell asleep for 60 years only to wake up in modern times, has essentially been blackmailed by BQB.

BQB claims to know why Jake took such a long nap and how he can get back to his own time, but he’ll have to solve 100 pop culture mysteries first.  Along the way, Jake will share tales of actual mysteries he solves, from the past and the present.

<GASP> Oh my god that was such a longwinded explanation.

That last paragraph, I hope, is where the desperately needed effort to monetize this whole shebang will come in.

If the “Pop Culture Mysteries” blog takes off, Jake’s first novel will be about how he punched Hitler in the face.  If people like it, there will be more Jake novels in the future.

The Pop Culture Mysteries site can be considered a stand alone from the novels.  They are about Jake’s efforts to solve pop culture questions and to make it in a world much different from the one he’s used to.

The tricky part is the stories on the blog will refer to things that happened, whereas the novels will get into more detail about what happened.

You won’t need to have read the blog or the novels to enjoy the other.

MY HOPE: is that enough people like the Pop Culture Mysteries blog that they’ll continue with Jake’s first novel…even if it’s like a hundred people that might be a worthwhile boost.

MY FEAR: I’m setting myself up to write two novels – one being a “season” of posts on the blog and then a novel.  Should I just write two novels and put ’em up on Amazon?

And also…I love writing and its my passion but I want to do it right, even if that means it takes more time…so potentially I might not get a novel out in 2016.  I hope I do.  It could end up that I focus on Pop Culture Mysteries blog in 2016 and then get the novel out in 2017.

I worry about that because I know getting a novel out there is what I need to move this all forward so…I don’t know.

Advise me 3.5 readers.  Is my fictional blog/novel tie in a good idea or the dumbest thing you’ve ever heard of?

 

 

 

 

 

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Dec 04 2015
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Pop Culture Mysteries

Pop Culture Mysteries – Contracts

By: Delilah K. Donnelly, Official Counsel for the Bookshelf Battle Blog

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Au chante, sir or madam, as the case may be.  It is an absolute delight to make your acquaintance.

If you are reading this then my client, the revered blogger Bookshelf Q. Battler, has selected you to take on a Pop Culture Mystery Contract.

I understand, darling.  Your mind is positively swimming and you have so many questions, the most pertinent of which are:

WHAT IS “POP CULTURE MYSTERIES?”

It’s a site Mr. Battler is constructing that will be devoted to answering the most troublesome questions about pop culture – movies, television, entertainment, music and more.  He’s retained the services of Detective Dashing, whose reports will form the bulk of the site, but Mr. Dashing can’t do it all alone.

WHAT IS A POP CULTURE MYSTERY CONTRACT?

You, as a noted author in your genre, will lend your expertise to a question or “mystery” relevant to your area of expertise.  If you’re a science fiction author, for example, he may inquire about Star Wars.  Romance author? Perhaps Mr. Battler will have a question about 50 Shades of Gray.

He’s currently assembling a list of “open contracts” or questions that you might select from, or he may propose one tailored to your specific talent.  You may even propose a Pop Culture Mystery of your own.

WHAT I DON’T LIKE THE CUT OF BATTLER’S JIB, SEE?

As an attorney I fully understand that authors must guard their reputations zealously and that working with a blogger who claims, among other things, to be friends with an alien from outer space, might raise an eyebrow or two.

However, consider:

#31ZombieAuthors – Mr. Battler interviewed 31 (actually 32 as two authors were a team on one book) in the month of October, 2015.  All were treated with respect, their questions and concerns about the project listened to and all were pleased with the results. Many tweeted and/or shared their interviews with their fans.  Several told Mr. Battler that they even enjoyed these interviews and had quite a bit of fun.

Ask the Alien – Darling, I do not presume to boast but as you can see, I am a fabulous person.  As such, I can’t publicly discuss a notion as foolish as whether or not aliens exist.  That being said, Mr. Battler’s blog has been running a feature called “Ask the Alien” in which authors ask an alien a question and he provides an answer, along with a promo of the inquirer’s work.  About 20 authors have “asked the alien” a question so far.

BETWEEN BOTH – Misters Battler and Jones have interviewed 50+ authors without complaint.

BUT I MIGHT COMPLAIN

You might and Mr. Battler will offer the same guarantee he’s provided to others, namely, that if you dislike the final post, he’ll take it down, no muss, no fuss, no problem.  To date, no one has asked but be assured if you do, he will.

COMPENSATION

Absolutely none whatsoever.  It’s not my desire to speak ill of my employer but Mr. Battler is a bit of a skinflint.

He can, however, offer you the eyes of his 3.5 readers and if its one thing an author needs, it’s 3.5 more readers.

THANK YOU

On behalf of the Bookshelf Battle Blog, a site I diligently represent, I thank you for taking the time to consider this modest proposal.  If you are interested, I believe you will find the experience enjoyable.  If not, Mr. Battler understands and wishes you will in your future endeavors.

Now if you’ll excuse me, I have a mystery of my own to solve.  Which pair of these breathtaking shoes shall I wear this evening?

 

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Dec 02 2015
2 Comments
Announcements

Announcement #1 – Bookshelf Q. Battler to Remain In Character

By: An Omnipotent Narrator

How It All Started

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Bookshelf Q. Battler

This blog was started by a man in a Taco Bell parking lot, who, whilst shoving a grande chalupa into his gaping maw, decided that he too could make a contribution of his own to America’s already bloated entertainment hole.

Living the dream, baby.  Living the dream.

He spent most of 2014 learning how to blog.  He’s still learning.  If anyone knows how, please tell him.

2014 he more or less took on the role of a nerdy, uncredentialed online lit teacher.  He wrote about his favorite books, poems, classic works and invited readers to talk about them.

He posted pictures of his toys next to his favorite books.  Yes, he’s a grown man but he did that anyway.  In fact, that’s how this blog got its name, because he called these photos, “bookshelf battles.”

That was all the blog was meant to be.  Book reviews and images of a nerd’s toys.

And because he was too shy/reserved to reveal his name, he started going by the handle, “Bookshelf Q. Battler.”

2015 – The One Post a Day Challenge

With a self challenge to post once a day, the person behind this blog grasped for ideas to make his posts interesting.  He still is.  If anyone found anything on this blog at all interesting, please let him know.

Suddenly, Bookshelf Q. Battler began having adventures:

  •  He gained an arch nemesis, an evil, fun hating yeti known simply as, “The Yeti.”
  • He informed everyone he is the caretaker of a magic bookshelf which causes literary characters to pop out of their books in tiny versions of themselves, then proceed to eat all of BQB’s food, run up his pay per view bill, and of course, fight over limited shelf space.
  • His former professor, Dr. Hugo Von Science, began writing a column entitled, “You Can’t Argue With Science.”  Dr. Hugo would later switch his status from trusted good guy to traitorous super villain.
  • He explained to us that he lives in East Randomtown, a bug full of pathetic drooling dummies who view him as a celebrity because of his blog, which attracts upwards of 3.5 readers.
  • Oh, and he set the bar very low, deciding that as long as he gets 3.5 readers, he’ll keep blogging.
  • His long deceased uncle, Uncle Hardass, started a column, “Things That Really Frost My Ass” in which he makes fun of BQB’s attempts at becoming a writer, then moves on to a diatribe on everything bothering him.
  • An all powerful alien being, referring to himself as, “The Mighty Potentate” became incredibly disturbed by Earth’s love of reality television.  He hates it and fears it will one day spread off of Earth and across the universe, replacing all scripted programming with shows in which video cameras simply follow morons around while they babble about nothing and engage in moronic activities.
  • The Mighty Potentate deemed BQB “the chosen one” – the writer whose words will one day inspire the masses to abandon reality television.  (Oh and he’s decreed that if BQB kicks the bucket before doing so, he’ll send his alien army to conquer Earth and outlaw reality television so, you know, no pressure).
  • His Potentosity dispatched his emissary, Alien Jones, to assist BQB in  his writing career.  Alien Jones began writing an “Ask the Alien” column in which he takes questions from indie authors and promotes their works in his posts.  He’s helped twenty or so authors so far.  He has some misgivings as to whether or not BQB is actually “the chosen one” but doesn’t want to tell the Mighty Potentate, who has a penchant for vaporizing those who disagree with him.
  • BQB died on the toilet while shooting a lightning bolt out of his butt, BUT was given a second chance at life by William Shakespeare, who urged BQB to search for the meaning of life.  In doing so, he met his current love interest, Video Game Rack Fighter, who is basically a female BQB except with video games instead of books.
  • Oh and there was a zombie outbreak that decimated his hometown but luckily 31 real, live actual zombie authors gave him the advice he needed to save the day.
  • You heard that right.  Real, live successful people cared enough to help this guy out.  I was as surprised as you were.

SO WHAT THE HELL IS THIS BLOG ABOUT NOW?

<DEEP BREATHE>

It’s a chronicle of a nerd named Bookshelf Q. Battler’s efforts to launch a successful writing career, thus getting an intergalactic overlord off his back and saving his alien buddy from vaporization (as well as the Earth from alien conquest.)

Along the way, he fights the Yeti, a mad scientist, endures his grumpy uncle’s rants, his ornery bookshelf characters’ attempts to destroy his house (oh and that’s called BQB HQ, a sprawling fortress wrapped around a small house his aunt gave him.)

He’s also very concerned about keeping VGRF as his main squeeze.

From time to time, he takes a break from his writing career to tell his 3.5 readers what he thinks about books, movies, life and so on.

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The Alleged Man

BUT STARTING IN 2016, HE WILL REMAIN IN CHARACTER AND DIVORCE HIMSELF FROM – “THE ALLEGED MAN”

So a lot of people think there’s an “alleged man” behind all of this, that this mysterious individual just pretends to be Bookshelf Q. Battler, Alien Jones, Dr. Hugo, all the characters really.

Preposterous, though because BQB has, on occasion, broken character this year, I can see why people think that.  Hell, even this post refers to an “alleged man” who just wrote about literature in 2014.  Sloppy narration if you ask me.

Going forward, Bookshelf Q. Battler has to stop asking the 3.5 readers about what should happen to him because this blog is just the ongoing saga of his life as he tries to become a writer with all of the hurdles he has to jump over.

To bring down the curtain for a moment, BQB was modeled after this so-called “alleged man” behind the blog.

After all:

  • They’re both nerds.
  • They both love pop culture.
  • They both want to become writers.

BUT, as you can imagine, “The Alleged Man” behind this blog and BQB have had a psychological split of sorts because after all, IF this alleged man exists (and no one is admitting that he does because that’d be ludicrous), he certainly isn’t friends with an alien, nor does he fight yetis, etc.

GET TO A POINT ALREADY!

Starting in 2016:

  • Bookshelf Q. Battler will remain in character.  Feel free to ask him questions, but he will respond in the manner of a nerd from East Randomtown who’s trying to launch a writing career in order to stave off an alien invasion.
  • He might even ask you questions but, you know, he’ll ask them as Bookshelf Q. Battler.  For example, “Any ideas on how I can promote my blog so the Mighty Potentate doesn’t vaporize Alien Jones?”
  • Once in a blue moon, the hypothetical “Alleged Man” might give the 3.5 readers a peak behind the curtain but that will be rare and keep in mind, that’ll just be all fantasy because while BQB is real, the Alleged Man is totally fake.  Some dude pretending to be all these characters?  Absurd.

Thank you, 3.5 readers and please stop by in 2016 as Bookshelf Q. Battler will become a stronger, nerdier, and more sure of his identity as a struggling writer/yeti fighter.

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Nov 15 2015
4 Comments
Undesiredverse

Let’s Talk About Undesiredverse – BQB’s Space Opera Serial

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BQB here.  Let’s talk, nerds.

ABOUT THE UNDESIREDVERSE

The year is 2999.  Roman Voss, a bounty hunter with an addiction.  Alien Jones, a pilot who’d once achieved greatness as second in command of the Known Universe’s greatest democracy, now stripped of his powers and looking for redemption.

Caught in the middle is a mysterious and very confused woman.

Jones’ old boss, the Mighty Potentate, presides over the Rakan Collective, a group of pro-democracy, pro-science, pro-education peace loving aliens who despise war, though they have amassed an unbeatable army to protect what they have from the “undesirables,” the residents of Milky Way, Andromeda, and all points in between, the area referred to by His Potentosity as “garbage planets” or simply, “the Undesiredverse.”

Cast out of paradise and deemed unworthy of the Rakan Collective, Undesiredverseans fight amongst themselves pointlessly, aimlessly and yes, sometimes even hilariously.  The religious zealots of Vendros, for example, have been slaughtering each over for a thousand years of a translation error in their holy book that leads the color of the shirt warn by their holy being in question.

But then again, not all of the baddies are funny.  The underworld organization known as the Cabal has a hand in every aspect of life, from business to politics, though they are so secretive they do not even acknowledge their own existence.

Meanwhile, many years ago, the Tollusks, a violent, warmongering species, decided to reform their ways and seek peace and prosperity.  The Tarazni Clan quickly formed, seized the planet’s nuclear arsenal, took flight, bombed their own planet to smithereens to punish “the infidels” on the way out and have been conquering planets ever since.

In fact, Earth is their latest acquisition.  There is an Earth government.  The One World Order began when countries decided to cease their petty squabbles in light of the discovery of new alien threats.  Alas, anyone who’d of put up resistance to the Tarazni’s Clan’s rule has been either killed, marginalized, ostracized, or paid off.  The One World Order that remains is accused by the people of being a government of “collaborators” and “rubber stampers.”

Sourcemind is the first villain that we are introduced to in the story.  He is a highly evolved artificial intelligence who was constructed by the humans of Omcoros to oversee automation of all of their world’s systems.  Big mistake, as that led to Sourcemind taking control.  From his mainframe on the world he’s conquered, he can assimilate any machine that comes in contact with him (or any machine that comes into contact with a machine he’s assimilated.

AND SO IT BEGINS…

Sourcemind, the Cabal, the Tarazni Clan, the One World Order and other degenerates want the woman in Voss and Jones’ care.  These three become the most wanted beings in the Undesiredverse and our story becomes a manic dash to safety.

Only the bad guys know why they want the mystery woman.  Voss, Jones, and even the woman herself are in the dark.

WHY IS BQB WRITING THIS?

All too often, I stop and start a story.  This blog helps me get things finished.  Last month, I finished a project.  #31ZombieAuthors.  It took a lot of work, but because I promised 31 people I’d do it, I got it done.

The story essentially involves a trio’s journey for survival as they are hunted by various baddies.  Thus, I basically step into Voss’ shoes and every day, imagine a little bit more about what is happening and what he is up against.

I don’t want to say the story goes in a straight line, but it does.  But there are many bumps on that line our heroes must hurdle.  But because it essentially begins with Point A (the heroes are in jeopardy and ends with Point B (the heroes are safe) I feel I can write a little bit every day and eventually bring our heroes from jeopardy to safety.

QUOTES ABOUT UNDESIREDVERSE: WANTED

BQB said these things about his story because he couldn’t find anyone else who would:

“It’s like Star Wars with a twist of Douglas Adam’s Hitchhiker’s Guide to the Galaxy.”

“Finally, a space opera that can make me laugh, as well as experience mental stress over the fear that characters I’ve grown attached to might be gruesomely murdered at any minute.”

“It doesn’t totally suck.”

BQB NEEDS YOUR HELP

You, the 3.5 readers, are watching me write a first draft.  There will be errors in writing, plot, grammar, style, even story.  I’ve already identified several.

If you see something that leaves you scratching your head, don’t keep quiet about it.  Let me know.  You have all been drafted into being my 3.5 beta readers.

I won’t consider you rude for pointing out a faux pas.  I’d appreciate it.  You won’t be kicked out of the 3.5 readers club.  I can’t afford to lose any more readers as it is.  You might point out something that I intentionally left iffy because I intend it to turn into a big reveal later but that’s ok.  We’re making sausage on this site so I’ll give you a glimpse inside the sausage casing and let you know that a) yes, you pointed out a big goof on my part and thank you or b) I intended that and it’ll be addressed later.

Either way, if you see something off, let me know.

THE FUTURE FOR BQB

My main goal is to get this written, re-written, edited, formatted and published at some point early next year.  I don’t have a date set but as early as possible.  If I get it up on Amazon before June I’ll be happy.

I have not forgotten about Pop Culture Mysteries.  Next year, I hope to launch the Pop Culture Mysteries website which will feature a Season One of Jake’s Mysteries, leading into a Jake novel.

Undesiredverse: Wanted will basically be me teaching myself how to write and self-publish a novel.  Pop Culture Mysteries will up the game a bit and from hereon, I hope to publish two books a year.

That’s assuming life agrees with that plan.  Come on life.  Don’t be a dick.

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Oct 29 2015
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BQB's Zombie Apocalypse Survivor's Journal

And Now a Message From Some Random Jerkface

By: Some Random Jerkface, Special Guest Contributor

Hello 3.5 readers.  Some Random Jerkface here.

For awhile now, there have been some rumors going about that Bookshelf Q. Battler isn’t real, that in fact he and his compatriots are all just the product of the imagination of some random jerkface blogging on the Internet.

Poppycock, I say!

But I understand the confusion.  I am Some Random Jerkface and I do work behind the scenes as BQB’s assistant, helping him to edit and package his posts to make the Bookshelf Battle Blog a bit more presentable and eye catching for the 3.5 readers.

Unfortunately, I’ve been on vacation for the past week and well, what with limited Internet access and to be honest, more fun stuff to do, I haven’t had the chance to put as much polish on #31ZombieAuthors for BQB the past week.

That means BQB’s zompoc journal hasn’t had any funny photos, there haven’t been as many links in the author interviews, a lot of the little touches that make the blog better have been absent recently.

Sorry BQB.  But don’t worry, 3.5 readers.  When I get back I’ll polish up the past week’s worth of posts.  Thanks to the 3.5 readers for understanding and also thank you to the #31ZombieAuthors for putting up with BQB’s lazy editorial assistant, Some Random Jerkface.

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Aug 02 2015
3 Comments
Ask the Alien

Ask The Alien – 8/02/15 – Java Davis, The Road Trip Writer

Greetings Earth Losers!

The Road Trip Alien

The Road Trip Alien

Another Sunday and that means another installment of “Ask the Alien,” the only column where a) a representative of the most intelligent species in the universe does what he can to raise Earth’s intelligence levels and b) another fiction author is supported, thus striking another crucial blow in the battle against reality television.

Scripted media is where it’s at and my boss, the Mighty Potentate, hates any kind of TV show that features words in the title like, “Who Wants to Be a Blank…” or “Something Something Wars” or “Blank Makeover.”

This week’s question comes from Java Davis, The Road Trip Writer.

Java is a modern day Jack Kerouac of sorts, traveling the open road and sharing stories and photos of his journeys, as well as his love of coffee.

He reminds me of Voro Chabadox, the only alien to visit every planet in the universe, fueled only by Starbucks (we have them out here too.)

In his book, Flying with Chabadox, Voro claims that he actually reached the edge of the universe, only to find a giant sign on an insurmountable wall that read, “There’s nothing to see here.  Go away.”

All kinds of theories abound about what’s behind the great end of universe wall.  I’ve deduced it’s a locale where the answers to the greatest mysteries of life are kept.  Other aliens argue it’s where the afterlife is located.  The Mighty Potentate is certain it’s where all your socks go when they go missing, as well as your lost keys, cell phones, and other stuff you swear you just put down a second ago and now for the life of you can’t find anywhere.

Perhaps we’ll never know what’s behind that wall, but at least fellow traveler Java has shared what he’s learned on the open road.

He’s also authored a number of books, all of them conveniently laid out here.  Java does one thing that I rarely see indie authors do and that’s offer a large print edition of his books.

The Mighty Potentate will appreciate that.  He doesn’t like to admit it but he just had his 999,999th birthday and once we aliens start pushing a million, the old visual receptors aren’t what they used to be.

(Don’t tell him I said that.  You know, his penchant for vaporization and all.)

Of particular interest to self-publishers might be Java’s non-fiction book, On Becoming a Dinosaur.  Java used to be a typesetter, an occupation that was replaced by desktop publishing, and so he explains how that all came about and his adjustment to his career becoming obsolete.

It happens to the best of us, you know.  As a hyper intelligent alien, I have impeccable foresight, and can advise you all that this whole Internet craze will one day be remembered as quaint once the neural implants start but whoops, I’ve said too much.

Java has been a fan of Pop Culture Mysteries, a blog serial that Bookshelf Q. Battler is currently working with hardboiled detective Jake Hatcher on turning into a book.

Personally, I wonder when the Alien Jones book is coming because, you know, it’s not like my epic life as a space traveling warrior/diplomat/servant of the Mighty Potentate could ever be fodder for a fantastic book that would blow the minds of BQB’s 3.5 readers or anything.

Don’t worry.  I’m not bitter.

But in addition to dropping some pop culture dimes to BQB’s gumshoe, the Road Trip Writer was also concerned enough about how to help indie authors learn how to consult my genius brain that he asked:

Dear Alien Jones, how does an indie author go about engaging with your alien self?

May you continue to wow us with tales of your cross country travels, JD.

Thank you for stopping by with your question.  The answer is as easy as checking out the weekly after column blurb below:

Alien Jones is the Intergalactic Correspondent for the Bookshelf Battle Blog, on a mission to raise Earth’s collective intelligence levels one question at a time. Do you have a question for the Esteemed Brainy One? Tweet it to @bookshelfbattle on Twitter, leave it in the comments on bookshelfbattle.com, or stop by Bookshelf Battle on Google Plus. If he likes your question, he might even promote your book, blog, other project in his answer.

Image courtesy of a shutterstock.com license.

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