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Sep 30 2015
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Ask the Alien

Ask the Alien: The Esteemed Brainy One Checks BQB’s Pre-Zombie Stats

By:  Alien Jones, Intergalactic Correspondentshutterstock_122655487 copy

Greetings Earth losers.

It’s been awhile since I’ve communicated with with my “Ask the Alien” column.

That’s the column where you, the 3.5 readers, can submit a question to me, a representative of a higher species, and obtain not only the knowledge that will flow forth from my genius brain, but a plug for your book and/or blog as well.

And if you’re one of the few humans on the Internet without a book or a blog to hock, don’t worry, I’ll take your inquiry too.

As you may have heard, my Supreme Overlord, the Mighty Potentate, He Who Makes the Seas Rise, the Stars Shine, and the Breeze Blow and I’m Not Just Saying That Because He’ll Vaporize Me, has assigned me the mission of helping Bookshelf Q. Battler build his fledgling writer career.

Why he didn’t just ask me to teach a chipmunk how to build a nuclear reactor I don’t know.  That would have been easier.

Don’t tell the Mighty Potentate I said that.

Anyway, you 3.5 readers would be doing this alien a solid if you’d help in anyway you can/want to in promoting this blog.

Here’s the State of BQB’s Bookshelf as of Sept. 30, 2015:

WORDPRESS FOLLOWERS: 1,394

TWITTER FOLLOWERS: 6,148 – Follow @bookshelfbattle

GOOGLE + FOLLOWERS:  757 – Follow BQB on Google +

WATTPAD FOLLOWERS – 115 Followers – Follow BQB on Wattpad – His handle is also @bookshelfbattle

FACEBOOK – Likes for BQB’s “Bookshelf Battle” Facebook page are virtually nonexistent, and I personally blame Zuckerberg.  In addition to the Winklevoss twins and that Brazilian kid, you can add a pantsless alien to the list of beings you’ve screwed over, Zuck.

Anyway, let’s push BQB’s Facebook.  Like his page.  If you forget to like it  now, you can always like it later by visiting http://www.facebook.com/bookshelfqbattler

If I make it out of the zombie apocalypse alive, I’ll return with a report on how BQB’s stats have improved as a result of this zombie author interview-a-palooza.

Personally, I’d like to see BQB at 10,000 Twitter Followers, 1,000 Google Plus Followers, and 2,000 WordPress followers by the end of the year.

Mention BQB on your blog, share his links on your favorite time wasting social media site, or tell your friends, if you have any.  Increasing BQB’s stats would certainly get the Mighty Potentate off non-existent butt for awhile.

Don’t tell him I said that either.

Don’t forget authors, I’ll return (if I’m alive) to my regularly scheduled Ask the Alien column in November, so ask away and if it’s an inquiry worthy of my brain, I’ll answer it and promo your book and/or blog.

Esteemed Brainy One out.

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Aug 24 2015
2 Comments
Pop Culture Mysteries

How to Share Quotes from Your Wattpad Stories on Social Media

Hello 3.5 Readers.

I’m noted bloggery expert, Bookshelf Q. Battler.

Check this out:

pcm

Yes, that’s a quote from “Pop Culture Mysteries:  Informant Zero.”

Jake crossed paths with a fiendish dominatrix.  She asked him to become her slave, but Jake wasn’t interested, having experienced three previous Mrs. Hatchers already.

Through wattpad, I’m able to share a quote like that on Twitter, Facebook, or a variety of social media websites designed specifically for the purposes of making the populace slow, fat, lazy, dumb, oh and also so that we share all our information so the government can spy on us and read our minds.

I’m not saying you should be worried that the government is reading your mind, but hey, a little tin foil on your head couldn’t hurt either.

3.5 Readers:  But BQB, how do I make one of those fancy quote graphics?

Thank you 3.5.  I’m glad you ask.  You want to make a graphic like this one?

dame

I feel ya,’ Jake.  Video Game Rack Fighter’s always after me about something.  Dames.  I tell you.

Or this one?

Pop Culture Mysteries Quote

Oh Professor Fremont, you slay me with your wit!

It’s simple, here’s how:

  1.  Log into Wattpad on your mobile device.
  2. Pick a word in your story and press your little finger down on it.  It might take a second or so.
  3. The word or words will be highlighted.  At each side of the highlighting, you’ll see a blue dot.  Drag the left blue dot all the way to the beginning of the quote.  Drag the right blue dot to the end of the quote.
  4. When you’re done, you’ll see a little box that says “comment.”  You can select that to comment on the quote if you want.
  5. But we want to actually share that quote, so click on the little quotation mark.  It looks like ”  I hope I didn’t actually have to tell you that.  I worry about your chances in the writing game if I had to.
  6. A photo with the background you provided for the story with the quote superimposed over it will appear.
  7. You’ll then have the opportunity to share it on your favorite time wasting social media surface.
  8. Congratulations!  You’ve managed to cram one more piece of media down America’s already bloated entertainment hole!

This has been your noble blog host, Bookshelf Q. Battler, a poindexter of world renown.

Join us next week when we’ll discuss how to glue your quotes onto rowdy chinchillas and release them into the world to spread news of your brilliance.

Attorney Donnelly just reminded me to point out that was just a joke.  Please do not glue your quotes onto chinchillas or any other animals.  They cannot be trusted.

Don’t forget, you can follow me, BQB on Wattpad or on Twitter with the same handle – @bookshelfbattle

CNITQ2VWEAAbaF2

Oh Jake, you are a cut up!  You’ll have 30.5 million readers in no time!

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Jul 19 2015
3 Comments
The Yeti

Bookshelf Q. Battler on Facebook

By:  The Yeti, International War Criminal/Fuzzy Snow Monster

The Yeti, Uninvited Correspondent

The Yeti, Uninvited Correspondent/BQB’s Nemesis

Obligatory roar.

What is this, this Facebook nonsense that you pathetic Americans insist on foisting onto the world?

I got on to my super charged Commodore 64 and here’s what I found:

“Oh look at me, I’m eating a burrito for lunch!  Let me take 507 photos of it and post them immediately.”

“Oh, yes, my smelly child said something adorable today.  Allow me to tell you all about it in excruciating detail.”

“I spent my morning shopping for sandals.  Aren’t I the incorrigible one?”

“Here’s my polarizing political opinion.  Disagree with me and you are the devil!”

“When it comes to candy, I’m for it!”

“Look, my dog is adorable.”

“Ahh, here’s me with a drink in my hand.  I am such a free spirit!”

“PATOOIE!” says this Yeti.

As you non-Yetis are aware, I was from Siberia.  (At least I was, until my sworn enemy Bookshelf Q. Battler imprisoned me deep below the bowels of the Bookshelf Battle Compound for my International Yeti War Crimes.

(There was an incident.  I tried to take down the Bookshelf Battle Blog to prevent it from spreading awesomeness across the globe.  I believe the only forms of entertainment that should be consumed are Olga’s Stewstravaganza and my book, 101 Ways to Ration Your Toilet Paper).

Anyway, Facebook is just another dumb example of evil American capitalist exploitation.  Sure, you all laugh and trade pictures of your lives on it, but Zuckerberg will have the last laugh when he uses your info to declare himself Emperor of the World.

Until then, I suppose you could check out Facebook.com/bookshelfqbattler – BQB’s Facebook Page 

Like it and you’ll get BQB’s nonsense directly into your feed, though why you’d want to read more of that jerk face’s ramblings I don’t know.

Yes yes, you all have fun on your blogs and social media and so on, living carefree lives while ignoring the plight of smelly yetis everywhere.

All I want to know is how you all share your damn vacation photos and mundane anecdotes all day long without passing out from the boredom.

Want to know how we used to punish people in the Siberian gulag?  We showed them our vacation photos and told them mundane anecdotes!

“Muah ha ha!  Confess to your crimes against Siberia or I’ll tell you about that Diet Coke I spilled on myself and show you photos of the lasagna I ate for dinner!”

Foolish Americans.  The fine videos provided by Paint Drying Media are the only form of American entertainment I like.

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