Tag Archives: hollywood

Movie Review – Vacation (2015)

Holiday Rohhh-oh-oh-oh-oh-oh-oad.

Yup.  I wasted valuable time and money to take in this movie.

OBLIGATORY SPOILER WARNING – though the trailer pretty much summarizes the best parts of the film:

Movieclips Trailers – Vacation

Oh Hollywood.  Why must you continue to play it safe with reboots and sequels and so on?

Let me put it this way:

1)  This movie doesn’t suck.

2)  It only starts to suck when you start comparing it to the three original Vacation movies from the 1980’s that share this film’s name.

3)  Though I can’t call it a guffaw-fest, there were a number of times where I did laugh.

The setup:  Adult Rusty Griswold (Ed Helms), recognizing that his family is stuck in an unhappy rut, decides to pack up the clan and take them on a road trip to Walley World, just as his father Clark (Chevy Chase) did in the first film.

From there on, the film becomes a series of sketches, smaller vignettes that happen the family as they make various stops along the way.

Some jokes from the first movie are parodied or paid homage to (Rusty rents a Prancer, an Albanian car that far surpasses his father’s Family Truckster in suckage).

But to the movie’s credit, it pokes fun at itself, and an attempt is made to go off on its own rather than be simply a modernized carbon copy of the original.

Cameos aplenty, as I assume many of today’s actors have fond memories of laughing their butts off at a young Chevy Chase, as I do.

Chevy and Beverly D’Angelo make cameos as Grandpa Clark and Grandma Ellen.  I feel like there might have been potential to do something funnier with them, but then again, had they been featured longer than they were, it’d of been a different movie altogether.

For fans of Community, it might be hard to not look at Chevy these days and think “Pierce Hawthorne.”  Meanwhile, Beverly has definitely made some kind of supernatural anti-aging deal.

My favorite bit was the younger brother bullies the older brother routine.  Every once in awhile, I’ll see that somewhere.  It’s usually the older kid, who’s bigger, bullies the younger kid, but every so often you’ll see an older kid who’s polite and doesn’t want to hurt his miserable pipsqueak of a younger brother, even though he could totally knock him into next week for being a little jerk if he wanted to.  That dynamic makes for some fun here.

As if there wasn’t enough in this film to make me feel old, Christina Applegate, who once played the uber hot Kelly Bundy in her youth (and who I oggled extensively in mine), now plays the uptight Mom trying to prove to everyone she’s still as fun as she used to be.

Oh time, please slow down.

Should you rush out to see it?  Nah.  Is it worth a rental when you have nothing better to do?  Sure.

STATUS:  Not shelf-worthy.

BUT – if you’re one of those younger people born with a cell phone in hand, you should check out:

Vacation

European Vacation

Christmas Vacation (I don’t know about you but I have to watch this at least once during the holiday season)

And though it’s not as good, Vegas Vacation.

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Pop Culture Mysteries – Case File #004 – Snubbed – (Part 6)

PREVIOUSLY ON POP CULTURE MYSTERIES…

Part 1     Part 2     Part 3    Part 4    Part 5

AND NOW THE POP CULTURE MYSTERIES CONTINUE…

Hettie and I found a seat.  I flipped through her mother’s bible and read the various excerpts the Good Reverend Jedediah Blodgett had marked for me, each one promising me a variety of punishments and torments in exchange for touching his daughter in an inappropriate manner before marriage.

Now concerning the matters about which you wrote: ‘It is good for a man not to have sexual relations with a woman.’ But because of the temptation to sexual immorality, each man should have his own wife and each woman her own husband.

1 Corinthians 7:1-5

JEB’S NOTE IN THE MARGIN: “Hell, Jake Hatcher!  You got no idea how hot the fires of hell are.  You best think about that before you lay a hand on my baby girl.  Hettie can do a whole heap better than you, boy, but you’d better put a ring on that finger if you can’t control yourself.”

“Put a ring on that finger.”

3.5 readers, before you complain about how unfair things are in modern times, consider this fact:

In 1938, it was illegal for me to put a ring on Hettie’s finger.

I was white.  Hettie was black.  And somehow, the government decided that two differently colored people couldn’t possibly be allowed to live together as man and wife.

The world knows her as Peaches LeMay, but Hatcher knew her when she was just Hettie Blodgett

The world knows her as Peaches LeMay, but Hatcher knew her when she was just Hettie Blodgett

Jeb knew that.  He wasn’t talking about a legally registered and recognized marriage.  He meant I should find a minister who’d of at least bound us together in the eyes of the God he loved so much.

Finding a minister who’d agree to marry an interracial couple was a near impossibility in those days.  We’d of asked Jeb to do it but, you know, set three Kings and a Sultan in front of Jeb and he’d of gladly explained why every last one of them wasn’t fit for Hettie, so I never stood a chance in his eyes.

That we weren’t able to get hitched bothered us but we wanted to be together, so we were together.  We didn’t need anyone’s approval, which was good, seeing as how people weren’t exactly standing in line to give it to us.

Ma Hatcher’s point would soon be proven.  Up until then, our world had been spending time together in the Hatcher family backyard, or on Jeb’s spread across town.  Sure, we turned a head or two when we walked down the street together but, we truly had no idea what we were in for.

“BACK OF THE TRAIN!”  the conductor barked.

Hettie and I just sat there, confused.

“BACK OF THE TRAIN,” the conductor repeated.

“Huh?”  I asked.

“No colored folk allowed up here,”  the conductor said to Hettie.  “Get to the back.”

It was the first of many times I’d get more ornery than a mule at a kicking contest over this subject.

“Now wait just a cotton pickin’ minute, buster,”  I said.  “We paid for two tickets on this rattle trap, that was LATE by the way, and we aim to sit wherever we damn well please!”

Yeah.  I know you 3.5 readers would of cheered for me, but the other passengers looked as steamed as a plate of broccoli and were hankering for a good old fashioned lynching.

“Sir,”  the conductor said.  “Is she your servant?  I suppose I could look the other way until this car fills up, but then she’ll need to head to the back.  Rules are rules.”

“My servant?!”  I shouted.  “She’s my girl!”

A collective “GASP” wooshed over the car like a high wind blowing in over the sea.

“Jake,”  Hettie said as she stood up, embarrassed.  “Stop it.  I’ll go.”

Like a bump on a log, I stood there, with no clue what to do next.

“Wait!”  I shouted as I grabbed Hettie’s hand.

I turned back to the conductor.

“I suppose next you’re going to tell me there’s a rule against white people sitting in the blacks only car?”

He thought about it, then said, “No sir.  No, I think you’re more suited for the filth back there.”

I had half a mind to knock that bastard out but the whole car was applauding him like he was the hero and leering at me like I was the villain.  I’d of been drawn and quartered had  I made a move on him.

Hettie and I walked, and walked, and walked some more.  So many eyes stared us down along the way as if we’d done something wrong just for being together.

We finally found the car reserved for black passengers.  To our surprise, there was a celebration afoot.

There was a fiddler strumming his strings like his fingers were on fire, a trombone player tooting on his horn with so much gusto that he looked like he’d pass out, and a drum player being his set like it owed him money.

The singer was a dapper gent in his late twenties.  Real smooth type.  Spiffy vest.  Gold ring on the finger.  He was holding a saxaphone, but was belting out a tune at the top of his lungs:

Honey!

Oh, I say, ‘Honey!’

That must be your name ‘cuz there ‘aint nothin’ sweeter than you!

Oh Honey!

Like a flock of baby ducks, the singer had the crowd eating out of the palm of his hand.  They shouted back, “Oh, he said, ‘Honey!”

And then the fella continued:

That must be your name ‘cuz ‘aint nothin’ sweeter than you!

Finger snapping.  Toe tapping.  Hand clapping.  The whole crowd was into it as the singer puckered his lips up to his sax and blew it to Kingdom come.

I was impressed and overcome with the nagging feeling that I should have spent less time reading comic books and more time practicing the piano like Ma Hatcher wanted me to.

A minute or two later, the diddy came to an end.  The passengers went about their business and the attention was on me, who was more out of place than a third wheel on a bicycle.

Would they accept me or hate me as much as the people in the car I just walked out on?

There was silence for a moment then the makeshift emcee poured a brown jug marked “X” into a cup and handed it to me.

“Welcome friend!  This here will grow some hair on your chest!”

I sniffed it.  Paint thinner had more appeal, but not wanting to look like a teetotaler, I chugged it, and instantly felt ready to keel over.

“Whoa, nelly!”  the man said as he whacked me hard on the back.  “That’s something you got to sip on!”

Everyone laughed at me as I choked and sputtered, but it was a good kind of laugh, not a making-fun kind of laugh.  At least that’s how it felt.

“Come on in,” the singer said.  “Plenty of room.”

We found a seat and weren’t shooed away this time.  An older couple in the seats in front of us took an interest.  The man offered me a hunk of chewing tobacco but I passed, still reeling from what I assumed was high octane moonshine.  The lady offered me a mint, which I gladly accepted to get rid of the bad taste in my mouth.

The band packed up their instruments and found their seats.  The train chugged out of the station and we were off.

“Think they’ll hate us forever?”  Hettie asked as she rested her head on my shoulder.

“Who?  Our folks?  Nah.  They took it a lot better than I thought they would.”

“Almost wish they hadn’t,”  Hettie said.  “Might of made it easier.”

“It’s easier to run away when you’ve got something worth running from?”

“Maybe,”  she said to me, looking at me with those pretty brown eyes.  “But I know we’ll make them proud.”

I didn’t know that at all, at least about me, but I nodded anyway.

“Hoo-wee!”

The singer interrupted us, dabbing beads of sweat off his forehead with a handkerchief.

“It was way too hot in here for that spectacle, let me tell you!”

He stretched out his hand.  I shook it.  He took Hettie’s.  To my chagrin, he kissed it.  That was something fellas used to do. Act like they were all polite by kissing your girl’s hand when really all they wanted to do was put their lips on any part of your girl that they could.

“Clyde Montgomery,”  the man said.

Clyde snapped his fingers and grooved out to an impromptu dance number, jitterbugging a few steps then completing the routine with a twirl.

Hettie laughed.  Yours truly was unimpressed.  I knew what this palooka was up to.

“But people call me ‘Step-Aside Clyde,’ on account of my fancy footwork.  Who are you nice people?”

I plugged up, not wanting to encourage him.  Realizing my rudeness, Hettie stepped in.

“Oh,”  she said.  “I’m Henrietta and this is Jake.”

“Henrietta and Jake,”  Clyde said.  He waved his hand and his band members walked over.  One by one, Clyde introduced them.

“That cat on the strings was my main man Ray ‘Too Late’ Turner.  People call him that because if you’re girl’s missing, it’s too late because old Ray’s run off with her already.”

Jealousy.  The green eyed monster.  Call it what you will, but this guy was oozing with personality and confidence, two qualities in a man that broads will eat up with a knife and fork.

I was more worried about Clyde running off with my girl than Ray.

“That man on the horn was Bo ‘Hurricane’ Harris, ‘cuz ‘aint no one blow harder than he does I assure you.”

Clyde put his drummer in a playful headlock, rubbed his head, then released him. “And of course we got Russell ‘Rat-a-Tat’ Walker.  There’s nothin’ this boy can’t beat on to make a beat.”

“It’s nice to meet you all,”  Hettie said.

And then you know what happened next?  Each one of those fellas smooched Hettie’s hand “out of politeness” too.

What a world.  I was barely in it for five minutes and people either hated me or wanted to abscond with my girlfriend.

“Step-Aside” Clyde Montgomery, Band Leader/Hatcher’s Rival for Hettie’s affections

“Together, we’re ‘Step-Aside Clyde and the Tennessee Trio,'”  Clyde said.  “Perhaps you’ve heard of us?  We’re on the radio now and then.”

Crap in a hat and pull it over my head.  I had heard of them.  Pa had let me drive around in his studebaker and I’d definitely heard the announcer introduce their songs once in awhile.

But I wasn’t about to give Clyde the satisfaction.

“No,”  Hettie said, naively.  “My Daddy never let me listen to the radio.  He thought music was the devil’s work and such.”

That comment elicited hooting, hollering, knee-slapping laughter from the band.

“Oh darlin,’ your Daddy don’t know what he’s missin’!”

I tried to move things along.

“So fellas, it was real swell to meet you and all but…”

“We’re on a cross-country tour,” Clyde continued, completely ignoring me like I wasn’t there.  “We got those prim and proper Yankees up in Boston, Providence, and Hartford stepping to the beat, had a big to-do in Atlantic City, and next up is the Big Apple.”

I didn’t know what to make of Hettie.  She smiled and was polite but she wasn’t rolling over for the fella either.

“Where are you two headed?”

Like I dummy, I was half-way through blurting out, “Las” when Hettie patted my knee and answered, “Oh, we’re just sightseeing.”

Clyde looked at me.  “Brotha, why are you sightseeing when the prettiest sight is sitting right next to you?”

I shrugged my shoulders.

Clyde handed Hettie a flyer.

“If you happen to stop by any of these cities while your sightseeing, I hope you’ll stop by.  Drinks are on me.”

Clyde wrapped it up with one last dance shuffle, another twirl, concluded by pointing both fingers at Hettie (thumbs up style, like his hands were guns).

“A pleasure to meet you Henrietta.  Enjoy your travels.”

Clyde and the Tennessee Trip disbursed.

“You lied to him,”  I said.  “We’re not sightseeing.”

“Jake, that man was like a fox that just spotted a hen,”  Hettie replied in a tone all too reminiscent of her father.  “He only had one thing on his mind and if I kept him talking he’d of never walked away.”

The Good Reverend Blodgett had trained his daughter well.  That was the only time I was happy for his teachings.

I took the flyer and read it.  After New York City, Clyde and his pals were going to play in Chicago, Omaha, and Phoenix.

The bottom of the notice stood out to me:

Miss the tour?  Step Aside Clyde and the Tennessee Trio play nightly at the Clyde Side in Los Angeles, CA.

There are moments in your life when they don’t seem like a big deal at the time, but years later, when you look back at them through the benefit of hindsight, you’re able to pin point them as the exact instant when your life took a turn.

For me, it was for the worse.  For Hettie’s career, it was certainly for the better.  Whether or not it was better for her personally is a question only Hettie could answer, and like so many people from my past, she was one more person I wish was still around.

Given the chance to do it over again, I’d of just shut my mouth and enjoyed the train ride.

But I didn’t.

“You know Hettie, it probably wouldn’t be a bad idea for you to know a guy who owns a club in LA,” I said.

Hottie looked to the bottom of the flyer I was pointing to.

“You think?”  Hettie asked.  “I don’t know. He seems just a little too slick if you ask me.”

An aversion to slickness.  We should have hopped off the train right there and walked back to Bayonne, because God knows that’s all there is to Hollywood.

“So?”  I asked.  “If he gets fresh, just sock him one,” I said while I made a fist.

I didn’t trust Clyde but I trusted Hettie.

“I don’t know,”  Hettie said.  “I already told him we’re tourists…”

“So?  Just go tell him you were nervous because you’re daddy told you never to talk to strangers.  Then tell him you’re a singer on your way out to LA and maybe you could sing at his club sometime.”

Hettie took a deep breathe.  She needed to get over those nerves if she was going to make it big.

“OK,” Hettie said.  “Let’s go.”

“Nah doll.  You go.  I don’t want to hold you back.”

“You sure?”

“Yeah,”  I said.  “Baby, we’re off to Tinseltown.  You’re going to have to talk to all sorts of big shots and celebrities on your own without dragging me around.  Just give it a go.  I’ll be right here.”

“OK.”

Hettie strolled down the aisle, took a seat with the band and got to talking.  I couldn’t hear or see much but five minutes went by.  Ten.  Fifteen.  At some point I actually heard Hettie sing and the band clap.

When we hit the New York stop, it was time for Clyde and his Trio to go.

“Girl, you better call me as soon as I get back in town,”  Clyde said to Hettie as the whole group shuffled past my seat on their way out.

“I will.”

“You can’t be hidin’ that talent from the world.”

My girl returned and I was anxious for the news.

“How’d it go?”

Must have went well.  She was smiling to the point she was going to burst.

“He said I could sing there whenever I want!” Hettie screeched as she wrapped her arms around my neck, practically choking me with excitement.

“And he says he knows people at the record studios and he’s going to set up some meetings for me, oh my God, Jake, oh my God!”

Oh my God.  I was such a dope.

“Guess it went well then, huh?”

“Jake this was the best idea you’ve ever had!  We’re not even in LA yet and I’m already getting started!”

Sigh.

“He said I have to change my name though.  No one’s going to line up to see, ‘Henrietta Blodgett.'”

“I’d line up to see Henrietta Blodgett.”

“What’s a name that sounds good?”  Hettie asked.  “Something that, you know, will drive the fellas wild?”

I’d created a monster.  The Good Reverend’s instructions were quickly wearing off.

“Candy?  No.  No.  Sapphire.  Jake, what do you think of, ‘Sapphire?'”

“I don’t know,”  I said.

I lifted the lid off the cardboard box.

“All I know is I skipped breakfast and now I’m ready to chew my arm off.  I’m going to eat your old man’s pie.

And a star was born.

“Peaches,”  Hettie said.

“Peaches,”  I replied.

“Peaches Blodgett?”

Hettie frowned.  Putting a name on your budding fame wasn’t easy.

“Drop the Blodgett and just use your middle name,”  I said.

“Peaches May?”  Hettie asked.  “‘Peaches may, what?’  That sounds like a question, not a name.”

“Add a Le to it,”  I said as I stuffed a piece of the crummy, fruity goodness into my aptly named pie hole.  “People will think you’re French.”

“Peaches LeMay,”  Hettie said, her mind obviously wandering off into dreams of big checks she’d cash and songs she’d sing in front of admiring spectators.

I continued to stuff my face, absolutely none the wiser than I’d just launched the next celebrity sensation as well as orchestrated my own heart being ripped to shreds.

But for more on that, you’ll have to wait for the novel Bookshelf Q. Battler is helping me put together, 3.5 readers.

Copyright Bookshelf Q. Battler 2015.  All Rights Reserved.

Images courtesy of a shutterstock.com license

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Movie Review: Mission Impossible: Rogue Nation

Dun dun dun da dun dun dun dun…doo da dooo..do da dooo…doo da doooo…da doo doo!

Your mission, should you choose to accept it, 3.5 readers, is to read this review.

This review will self destruct in 5 seconds….

Also, SPOILERS

Movieclips Trailers – Mission Impossible: Rogue Nation

I can’t believe this movie franchise has been going strong for so long, 3.5.  I really can’t.

Want to know how old this franchise is?

Ving Rhames took the role as Hunt’s associate Luther Stickell when he was hot off of playing crime boss Marcellus Wallace in Pulp Fiction.

Time, where oh where did you go?

Cruise, well-preserved, likely due to praying to the alien gods of Scientology (it pays to swear fealty to the Mighty Potentate) is as cool as ever in this one.

To Cruise’s credit, he’s a man who’s lived an extraordinary life, has nothing left to prove and yet, for our viewing pleasure, hooked himself up to the side of a flying plane.

Here’s a CNN article about how Cruise pulled this one off.  It involved special contacts to protect his eyes from flying debris (a piece of dirt flying at high speeds could have blinded him), a safety harness, and so on.

Amazingly, there was all sorts of safety precautions taken, yet the final shot looks as though he was just holding on with nothing but his hands.

Would you strap yourself to a flying plane moving at 185 mph?

I would not.  I would tell the writers they need to rewrite that shit.  Those terrorists need to be foiled on the ground.

So kudos to Tom.  You were married to Nicole Kidman, Katie Holmes, and now you’ve literally flown.

So, the setup.  This go around it’s IMF vs. the Syndicate, an evil organization bent on bringing down the world.

To throw a monkey wrench into the works, Hunt has also cheesed off the CIA and MI6.

Fast cars, exotic locales, insane stunts…it’s an action movie that’s got it all.

I don’t know about you, 3.5 readers, but with these types of movies, I just go for the pretty colors and fancy special effects and don’t waste a lot of time getting bogged down by the plot.  There’s so much explanation of how someone is going to break in to some place and blah blah blah, here’s how it’s going to happen and here’s what everyone is going to do.

Perhaps you sit there with your popcorn, trying to parse out all the details, but to me, it’s all just:

ETHAN:  To break in, we’ll need the thing to do the thing and get past the thing.

BENJI:  You’ll need a thing.  But the thing has to be done with the exact thing or the thing will happen to the thing.

LUTHER:  Nope.  No way.  You can’t do that thing with this thing.  You’re going to need that other thing and when that thing happens, you’d better be ready to do that thing.

ETHAN:  So it’s settled.  We’re going to do the thing.

This is a big role for Rebecca Ferguson as Ilsa (not Elsa, no one sang, “Let it Go,”), the British agent who works with Hunt.

Sean Harris is exceptionally creepy as the film’s uber villian Solomon Lane while Jeremy Renner and Alec Baldwin get into a bureaucratic turf war over whether the CIA should absorb the IMF’s functions.

Last but not least, Simon Pegg, a nerd after my own heart, returns as Hunt’s tech savvy sidekick Benji.

It’s worth the price of admission with some awesomeness you have to see on the big screen.

I always look forward to these whenever they’re out.  In this nerd’s opinion, when it comes to spy action movies, MI is second only to 007.

And by the way, there’s a great Spectretrailer before this one.  Can’t wait for it.

Interesting side note:  I noticed this movie was backed by the China Movie Channel and Alibaba Films.  (Alibaba being the Chinese version of Amazon).  Will the Chinese become major players in the American film industry?  Eh, it seems new but then again Asia bridging the gap to Hollywood isn’t all that new.  Japanese backed Sony has been around forever.

STATUS:  Shelf-worthy.

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Pop Culture Mysteries – Case File #004 – Snubbed (Part 5)

PREVIOUSLY ON POP CULTURE MYSTERIES…

Part 1   Part 2   Part 3    Part 4

AND NOW THE POP CULTURE MYSTERIES CONTINUE…

“Daddy!”

Hettie threw herself at her father, his brittle bones barely able to resist the collision, but the smile on his face showed he didn’t mind at all.

“Are you mad?”shutterstock_225997372

“What?  Oh, no no, Hettie May, you know better than that.”

“Hello Jeb,”  Pa said to the new arrival.

“Gus.  I suppose you’ve tried to talk these youngsters out of this expedition already?”

“To no avail.”

“Let me give it a go, then,” Jeb said to Pa and then to Hettie, “I’m gonna’ borrow your beau for a minute, darlin’.'”

The Good Reverend Jebediah Blodgett.  Many a Sunday Hettie dragged me to listen to his sermons and to his credit, he was the liveliest speaker I’d ever seen, able to make you feel good about yourself and yet fearful of eternal hellfire and damnation all at the same time.

That’s a gift.

He didn’t much care for me.  I didn’t take it personally.  Like most fathers, he was convinced there wasn’t a man alive that was good enough for his daughter.

In retrospect, he wasn’t wrong.

Jeb and I walked a few feet down the platform.  He grabbed me by both my shoulders.  For a doddering codger, he had a good grip.

“Son, I’m going to guess this was your damn fool idea, takin’ an old man’s only daughter into the belly of the beast without so much as a how do you do?”

I looked down at my shoes, afraid to look Jeb in the eye.  “Yes.”

He let me go.

“I see,”  he said.  I could tell he was going somewhere with this.

“So then, when I’m all alone on my deathbed, I can thank you for stealing away my last living relative, the only one I’ve got to take care of me?”

“Jeeze,”  I said.  “When you put it like that…”

“How else am I supposed to put it?”

I looked up with renewed vigor.  I had an angle to play.

“Your daughter sings like a songbird from heaven,”  I said.

“I know,”  Jeb said.  “And I know she won’t be happy here neither.”

I felt the sting of a boney finger poking into my chest.

“But YOU’RE the one who decided to drag her off to Los Angeles behind my back.  She’d never try such a dumbfounded notion on her own.  Boy, do you know that city is nothin’ but a steaming cauldron of sex, drugs, prostitution and a bunch of felonious perverts who wouldn’t know what to do with a bible if you threw one at their damn heads?”

“I’ve heard rumors, yes.”

“You gotta’ protect her now, Jake.”

“I will.”

“I mean it.”

“I know.”

Suddenly, there was a slight, playful slap on my cheek.

“That’s a good boy,”  Jeb said.  “And you know, it ‘aint easy to tell you this but…”

“It’s ok,”  I said.  “I know we’ve got your blessing, Reverend Blodgett.”

Jeb’s face scrunched up like he’d just sucked on a lemon.

“BLESSING?  You think I drove my ass all the way to the train station to give you my blessing to live in sin with my baby girl?”

Boy, was I in for it.

“Son, what I’m tryin’ to tell you is this.  If I EVER catch wind that so much as a hair gets misplaced on my baby’s head so help me, Jake Hatcher, the last thing I will do on God’s green Earth is drive all the way out to LA and turn your face into a pile of raw hamburger with my shotgun.”

He probably didn’t mean it.

“Oh, I mean it, boy,” Jeb said.  “I’m old.  I’ve lived my life.  I’ve done every single last thing I ever wanted to do in this world.  And if I’ve got to spend the last year or two I’ve got left wasting in away in a jail cell to avenge my baby’s honor then so help me, I’ll do it!”

I swallowed a gulp hard.

“Duly noted.”

“All right, then.”

Jeb quickly returned to the sweet old man routine.  He walked back to his truck and returned with a black, leather bound book and a cardboard box.

“Hettie, look at you,”  Jeb said.  “Lookin’ more and more like your mama every day, God rest her soul.  I figure this train ride will be so long that you’ll get hungry so I brought you a peach pie.  I made it the other day with her recipe, but my stomach’s been doing so many backflips I don’t have the gumption to eat it.”

I got a death threat.  Hettie got a pie.  Hardly seemed fair.

The waterworks started, and how.

“Oh Daddy.”

“Now I know it won’t taste half as good as your mama’s but I hope you’ll make one for yourself when you get where you’re goin’ and think about how mama’s smilin’ down on you from Heaven when you do.”

Jeb handed me the book.

“And Jake, this is for you, some reading to keep you busy.”

On the cover?  “Holy Bible.  If lost, return to Ophelia Blodgett.”

“Make sure you see Hettie gets that when you’re done.  It was her mama’s.”

“I will.”

“And make sure you pay close attention to the pages I marked, especially the ones that spell out how fornicating before marriage will earn you a spot at the devil’s side and so on…”

“Daddy!”  Hettie said.

The piercing sound of a train whistle interrupted our goodbyes.  The cross-country express arrived, passengers started boarding, and a portly, bespectacled conductor hopped out to make an announcement.

“Now boarding the six a.m…

“At 7:30,” I thought.

“…train, westward bound with stops to include New York City, Cleveland, Chicago, Omaha, Salt Lake City, and Los Angeles, end of the line!  ALL ABOARD!”

Copyright Bookshelf Q. Battler.  All Rights Reserved.

Image courtesy of a shutterstock.com license.

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Pop Culture Mysteries – Case File #004 – Snubbed (Part 4)

PREVIOUSLY ON POP CULTURE MYSTERIES…

Part 1      Part 2    Part 3

AND NOW THE POP CULTURE MYSTERIES CONTINUE…

June 15th, 1938shutterstock_239019775

Bayonne, New Jersey

Two crazy kids sat on a bench, holding hands and waiting for a train that would whisk them away to a city they’d dreamed about all their young lives.

Fame.  It was an obsession that began brewing in their hearts ten years earlier, when they would swipe their parents’ pocket change and spend all day long at the movie house taking in the likes of Greta Garbo, Eddie Cantor, and the Marx Brothers, just to name a few.

The girl could sing.  The flock at her father’s church who gave her a standing ovation every Sunday was proof positive of that.

The boy thought he could act.  Overly polite townsfolk who gave him a pat on the back after his school plays just because they didn’t want to be rude filled him with a whole lot of undeserved hope.

After years of sitting out under the stars, talking about the lives they’d have one day as a Hollywood power couple – the houses they’d buy, the fancy cars they’d drive, the high class folk they’d hob knob with, they decided to make a go of it as soon as they came of age.

Needless to say, they did so against the advice of all of the adults in their lives.

The girl was Henrietta “Hettie” May Blodgett, though if any of you 3.5 readers happen to be a Jazz fan, you definitely know her by a different name.

The boy was yours truly, Jacob R. Hatcher.  You know me as a private dick for a blog with 3.5 readers.

Hard not to point out that Hettie walked away with the long end of the stick in this plan, but that’s a story for another time.

Perhaps “boy” and “girl” are the wrong words to use.  We were both eighteen.  Legally, I was a man though looking back on it now, I don’t believe I came anywhere close to understanding what that meant back then.

We were in our Sunday best, me in a moth eaten hand me down suit from my father, Hettie in the same black and white polka dotted dress that she wore to church.  Back then, people used to dress up all the time.  It’s not like today where people walk around all day long in their pajamas and nobody cares.  Whether you were going to the movies, the drug store, or clear across the country, people gussied up.

“It’s late,”  Hettie said.

“Sure is,” I said as I checked my pocket watch.  “Should of been here over an hour ago.  That whole ‘We’re Always On Time’ slogan they’ve got is a bunch of malarkey if you ask me.”

“We should have said goodbye,”  Hettie said.

“They’d of just tried to stop us.”

“Can you blame them?”

“I wouldn’t blame your pops, doll,”  I said.  “You’re surely something worth hanging onto.  Me?  I’m doing the old folks a favor.”

“I need to write Daddy a nice long letter as soon as we get there,” Hettie said.

“I left my folks a note,”  I said.  “They’ll clue old Jed in.”

“Yeah,”  Hettie said.  “‘Gone to LA.’  You’re a real poet, Jake.”

“Short.  Sweet.  To the point.  It works,”  I said.  “Hell, had I known our train was going to take a detour to Waikiki, I’d of nixed it.  If it doesn’t get here soon they’re liable to…”

Speak of the devil.  My old man pulled up in his studebaker.  Pa, Ma, and my little brother Roscoe, 5 years my junior.  It was a veritable Hatcher family reunion before there was even a parting of the ways.

Pa was in his oil soaked overalls, stains fresh from the filling station he owned.  He was a serious man with a weary face, one that looked like it’d seen too much and was ready for a rest.

Ma was a bit of a hefty gal, though she had a sweet face and old family photos indicated to me she once was a real head turner until Roscoe and I folded up her insides worse than an origami swan.

Roscoe, that little twerp, he was my spitting image.  One look at him and I saw my former thirteen year old self staring back at me.

Thirteen.  Such a lousy age.  You want to be grownup before the world will let you, but your mind still gravitates sometimes to childish things like toys and comics and all sorts of stuff that adults will remind you you’re too big for.  Utter confusion all around.

“Hettie,”  Pa said.

“Mr. Hatcher.”

“Son,” my father said as he put his arm around me and walked me back to the car.  “Let’s have a word.”

“Nothin’ doin!”  I protested loudly.   What a jerk I was.  “I’m a man, see?  And a man’s gotta’ make his own decisions and this one is mine!”

“I know,”  Pa said.  “We’re not here to talk you out of it.  We’re just here to say goodbye.”

“A family that monologues together stays together.”

That was an expression my father used to say.  I wish it was true.  I wish we had stayed together.  But if there’s one thing I inherited from the Hatcher clan, it’s my penchant for speaking in long, drawn out monologues rife with overly exaggerated similes, metaphors, and other assorted comparisons.

Don’t even get me started on the cliches.

“Son,”  Pa said.  “They say that the grass is greener on the other side but I’ll tell you I saw a lot of this world in the Great War and no matter where I went, it was just as green as ever.  I’ve seen brown grass and less green grass but I’ve never seen grass more beautiful than what’s growing on the ground right here in Bayonne.”

I checked my watch.  This was going to be a long one.

“You love the moving pictures,”  Pa continued.  “Of course you do.  I love them too.  They’re a good distraction from the real world but that’s all they are.  A distraction.  There’s nothing real to them and the people who want to be in them?  Why, there’s nothing real to them either.  Each and every wannabe actor out there will step over you and gut their own mother if it would bring them closer to earning a part in one of those pictures and that, my boy, is what you’re going to be competing with.”

“I can hold my own.”

“I’m sure you can,”  Pa said.  “But for the life of me I don’t understand why you’d want to try.  Jake, I’m no fortune teller.  I don’t have a crystal ball.  I know I’m your father and I don’t wish you any ill will.  When that train comes, if you step on it, I hope it will be the start of a course of events that ends with you starring in the best Hollywood picture there ever was.  You know your mother and I will be there on opening day with our ticket stubs in hand to cheer you on.”

Mother of God.  Is that what I sound like?  You can thank Pa Hatcher for that, 3.5 readers.

“But son, I’m a man of reason.  I’m a careful, calculating man.  I don’t like to play the odds.  ‘Slow and steady wins the race,’ I always say.  And I wouldn’t be much of a father if I didn’t point out to you that the odds aren’t in your favor here.  Yes, I hope the name, ‘Jacob Roscoe Hatcher’ goes down in history as the greatest actor there ever was, but I fear the odds are more likely that the Sodom and Gomorrah of the West Coast better known as ‘Los Angeles’ will chew you up, spit you out, and leave you a bitter, angry, shell of your former self.”

What’s that phrase people say now?  “Spoiler Alert?”

“I can’t talk you out of this,”  Pa said.  “I know that.  If I try to get in the way of your dream, you’ll despise me the rest of your life and always sit around and sulk, wondering what could have been.  Kids are like baby birds and sooner or later they have to be allowed to fly out of the nest and if they fly too soon and land on their head, well, there’s nothing Ma and Pa bird can do but be there to pick the little guy up and dust off his feathers.  And that’s all I want you to take away from this, son.  If this LA foolishness of yours doesn’t work out, you’re always welcome to come straight back home to your mother and I and you’ll never once hear us utter so much as an ‘I told you so.’  We’re your family, no matter what.”

Would that I could hop in a time machine and tell my past self to hug that man.  Instead, I just gave him a paltry handshake.

It was Ma’s turn.

Unlike Pa, Ma didn’t let me go without a hug.  She squeezed the ever loving giblets out of me.

And of course, there was another monologue.  I wonder if all hardboiled private detectives have a family like mine?  Maybe that’s why we all sound the same.

“Son, to tell you life in the big city isn’t easy would be the understatement of the century,”  Ma said.  “Now, I know there are a lot of folks out there who are ignorant.  Pa and I love Hettie.  We think she’s a real sweetheart.  And lord knows we know that life is so short that if you meet someone you love who loves you back then it makes less sense than a three-legged dog on a ferris wheel to not be together just because you’re two different shades of people that God put on this Earth to share and share alike with one another in the first place.”

Ma spit into a handkerchief and wiped a smudge off my face.  I hated when she did that.

She made a motion for Hettie to come over and join us.

“Now, I know Bayonne isn’t some kind of den of forward thinkers, but here, you’ve got your family and friends. There are at least some people who accept you two being together.  True, there’s plenty of not-so-nice folk here that will try to keep you apart but at least you’ve got people here that will stick up for you.  Once you get on that train, it will be you two against the world with no one to rely on but each other.  You need to promise me that you’re going to look out for each other, or else I’ll sleep less than an insomniac squirrel with a coffee addiction.”

I’m just going to confess, right here and right now.  Most of the time, we Hatchers just pull these oddball comparisons out of our backsides.

Hettie and I promised and it all degenerated into a three-way hug/blubber fast.  Not me.  Of course not me. Just the women folk.

It was little Roscoe’s turn for a speech.

“Brother,”  he said.  “I want you to know that what you’re doing here stinks worse than a rotten egg in a skunk farm.”

Ma was none too pleased.

“Roscoe!”

“No, Ma,”  Roscoe said.  “Jake, you and I are brothers and last time I checked, that’s supposed to mean something.  We’re meant to be the bridge that will carry this family into the the future, only now you’re being selfish and leaving me behind.  So now I don’t even have a future.”

Hate to admit, but I hadn’t even considered how Roscoe would fare without me.  I should have.

“You’ve got dreams?”  Roscoe asked.  “Bully for you.  Run off to the land of sun and beauty while you leave me to take care of Ma and Pa all by my lonesome.  They aren’t getting any younger you know.  While you’re out west being a pathetic phony, I’ll be stuck back here filling cars with more gas than a flatulent door to door salesmen and rubbing a pair of old geezers’ bunions until I’m old and gray myself.”

“Roscoe,” I said.  “It’s not going to be all that bad.  As soon as I hit the big time, I’ll send for you and you and Ma and Pa can all live in my mansion.  Why, I’m gonna’ buy the biggest spread around and…”

“Ahh, stuff your dreams in a sack, toss ’em in the river and see if they float,”  Roscoe said.  “Either way, you’re all wet.”

I attempted to shake Roscoe’s hand but he pulled his away, stormed back to the car and slammed the door.

“Roscoe Jacob you get back here right now and apologize to your brother!”  Ma commanded.

“Nothin’ doin’!”

“Roscoe, you don’t want your last words to be unkind…”

“It’s ok, Ma,”  I said.  “He’s stubborn.  Probably gets it from me.”

To clarify, I should explain to you 3.5 readers that Ma’s father was Roscoe, and Pa’s father was Jacob.  Both grandfathers were so revered by my parents that they named both their boys after them.  Twice.  I’m Jacob Roscoe.  My brother’s Roscoe Jacob.

Maybe we Hatchers skimp on creativity when it comes to baby names because we’re saving our imaginations for our monologues instead.

“Mrs. Hatcher,”  Hettie said to my mother.  “Can you tell my father where I am?  I don’t want him to worry.”

With perfect timing, a rickety, rust bucket of a pick-up truck pulled up and an old-timer wearing a pair of suspenders stepped out.

“I already did, dear.”

Copyright (c) Bookshelf Q. Battler 2015.  All Rights Reserved.

Image courtesy of a shutterstock.com license.

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Pop Culture Mysteries – Case File #004 – Snubbed (Part 3)

PREVIOUSLY ON POP CULTURE MYSTERIES…

Part 1     Part 2

AND NOW THE POP CULTURE MYSTERIES CONTINUE…

It was time to review the evidence.  The tweets themselves.  I stopped by the library in my fancy new ride and asked Agnes to pull them up for me.

This one from MTV stuck out at me like a sore thumb on the hand of man who’s been scratching himself all day:

“I don’t get it,” I said as I stared at the screen of one of the library’s beep boop machines.  “The media’s made it out like this gal was left out in the cold but here a reputable source like Music Television indicates she WAS nominated.”

“I don’t care, Jake,”  Agnes said.  “Music hasn’t gotten any better since Danny Kaye if you ask me.”

I felt a ba-bump in my heart and grinned like an idiot.

“What’s with that look?”  Agnes asked.

“Don’t ever change, Ag,” I said.  “Hell, if your face didn’t look more worn out than the first baseman’s glove during Game Seven of the World Series, I’d propose right here and now.”

“Whatever,”  Agnes said.  “I just wish the city would do something about all the transients who wander in here all day and make me look up nonsense for them.”

I’m pretty sure she was talking about somebody else.

Moving on, I asked Agnes to look up all of the VMA award nominees.  Here’s what I saw:

BEST FEMALE VIDEO

Nicki Minaj – “Anaconda”

BEST HIP HOP VIDEO

Nicki Minaj – “Anaconda”

BEST COLLABORATION

Jessie J + Ariana Grande + Nicki Minaj – “Bang Bang”

“She was nominated three times,”  I said.  “Agnes, can you believe the snow job the press is trying to pull here?”

“Uh huh,”  Agnes said as she pulled up a website called “Jobs-A-Plenty.”

“Let me see if I kind find something for you.”

“Go back to Tweeter,”  I commanded.

“Here we go,”  Agnes said.  “Dishwasher.  Minimum wage.  Will train.  This has your name written all over it.”

“I’m on the job right now, woman!  Will you put the blasted Tweeter-ma-bob back on already?”

“Ugh,” Agnes said as she complied.  “I swear society just doesn’t do enough to help the mentally unstable.”

“There!”  I said, tapping my finger on the screen.  “Right there!”

“So what?”  Agnes asked.  “What is so important about this that you’re interrupting my coffee break?”

This caper had become what I like to call a “Kaleidoscope Case.”  In other words, with every angle, there’s a new point of view.

Some of the ones I’ve heard so far:

  • Minaj is super rich and ultra famous.  Few people ever sniff that rarified air.  A lot of folks who have seen their dreams go bust would love to be in a music video and you wouldn’t hear them complaining about only getting three nominations.
  • Her biggest video is just a bunch of posteriors flapping in the breeze.  (That reminds me, I need to review it again for research purposes.)  Is it really deserving of any award?
  • But then again, she never said she wasn’t nominated at all.  “Nicki Got Snubbed” is just one more example of press hype.
  • What does “different kind of artist” mean?  Is she talking about race?  That she has a little more junk in the trunk than the skinny waifs that dominate the entertainment industry?  Both?
  • Forgetting about the butt content of her video, is it possible to see her tweet as a springboard to a conversation about racial and body type diversity in the music industry?

So many questions.  So little time.  And at the end of the day, I was only going to get five bucks.

I understand the “she’s too rich to complain” argument.

I even get the “Anaconda is just a bunch of butts wagging around and has no artistic merit” argument. (Though I might have to watch it again just to make sure.)

But as for race and body type diversity – I suppose there’s always a need for that conversation.

3.5 readers, you might think things are hunky dory these days, but it’s always a good idea to talk about the past so that it doesn’t get repeated.

Let me tell you about the racism I witnessed in my day.

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Pop Culture Mysteries: Case File #004 – Snubbed (Part 2)

Previously on Pop Culture Mysteries…

Part 1

And now the Pop Culture Mysteries continue…

It was a full moon and like a werewolf, I was ready to howl.

Ms. Minaj’s Anaconda featured a bevy of bodacious booty, so much so that I couldn’t tell if it was a music video or a proctology doctor’s highlight reel.

shutterstock_225997429

“Do pick up your jaw, Mr. Hatcher,”  Delilah scolded.  “I dare say you run the risk of drooling into your ice water.”

Like an adorable blonde bunny rabbit, Delilah munched on a salad.  It must be hard to be a dame like that, barely eating anything just to keep a trim figure.

I skipped lunch and asked for a glass of H20.  I was hungrier than a bear after hibernation, but I had fifteen smackers in my pocket earned by solving three cases for Mr. Battler and my manly pride mandated that I not allow Ms. Donnelly to pick up the check this time.

I handed Ms. Donnelly’s phone back to her.

“I have no idea how to work these damn beep boop machines.  Play it again, will you?”

Delilah scoffed, seized the phone, and tucked it into her designer handbag.

“You’ve already watched it seventeen times, Mr. Hatcher.”

“I’m nothing if not a thorough investigator, Ms. Donnelly,”  I said.  “There’s a clue hiding amidst all those hineys.  I’m sure of it!”

“You’ll have to review it on your own time.  I won’t allow my mobile device to be used for your perversions any longer.”

Delilah passed me a manilla envelope.  I opened it.  A letter from Mr. Battler.

Hatcher,

The Video Music Awards.  They’re a yearly opportunity for ridiculously wealthy superstar musicians who get paid insane gobs of cash to sing songs and prance around in absurd outfits to pat each other on the back for their accomplishments made over the past year.

Naturally, pop culture junkies like myself gobble the spectacle up like rocky road ice cream.

But there’s trouble in paradise.

Pop-rapper Nicki Minaj, whose videos, what with their vivid colors, imaginative premises, and, well, yes, butts, butts, and more butts, was shunned.  Forgotten.  Cast aside.

Some might even say, “snubbed.”

Nicki was none too pleased and took to Twitter with her complaints, charging racism and body type-ism.

Not to be left out of the spotlight, songstresses Katy Perry and Taylor Swift stuck their schnozolas into the mix as well.

Review the tweets, conduct copious research and above all else, inform my 3.5 readers whether or not Nicki Minaj’s snub complaint is valid.

Sincerely,

Bookshelf Q. Battler

Blogger-in-Chief of the Bookshelf Battle Blog

I folded up the note and tucked it into my pocket.

“What on God’s green Earth is a Twitter?”

“It’s a social media website…”

Ms. Donnelly stopped, noticed the dumbfounded expression on my mug, and took an alternative tack.

“People like to talk a lot on their ‘beep boop machines’ as you call them.  They share virtually every last mundane detail of their lives with one another.”

“Are you serious?” I asked.

“Very much so,” Delilah said as she pulled out her phone and snapped a photo of her lunch.

“I can’t believe that,”  I said.

“Yes, just one of the things you’ll have to get used to I suppose.”

Delilah’s dainty fingers typed something on her phone.  Under her breath, I heard her mutter, “Hashtag Worst Salad Ever.”

BQB EDITORIAL NOTE:  Have you eaten a salad worse than Ms. Donnelly’s?  Share it on #WorstSaladEver.

“People have gotten lame if you ask me,”  I said.

“I did not.”

“Sharing a bunch of photos of nonsense,”  I said.  “I’ve never heard of anything more boring.”

“To each their own,”  Delilah said.

“Hell, it used to be if a yahoo tried to show you his photo album, you’d run out of the room like your feet were on fire.”

“Times,”  Delilah said with perfect diction.  “They are a-changing.”

The waitress dropped off the bill.  Delilah reached for it.

“Nothin’ doin,”  I said as I forked over my three fivers.

“Oh honestly, Mr. Hatcher,”  Delilah said.  “I don’t mean to be a braggart but I make so much more money than you.  You parting with the meager compensation provided to you by Mr. Battler is the last thing I want.”

Dames making more than men.  You know what I’m going to say, 3.5 readers.

I’m not against the idea.  I’m just not used to it.

“I won’t hear of it, Ms. Donnelly,” I said and then to the waitress, “Keep the change, dollface.”

“Hooray,” the waitress said as she twirled a finger around in the air as if she were throwing a sarcastic party.  “A whole quarter.”

$14.75 for a lousy salad and a glass of wine.  What a racket.

Ms. Donnelly dropped a fiver of her own on the table.

“I said I’ve got it.”

“It would be tres blaise to leave such a pathetic tip, Mr. Hatcher,”  Delilah said as she stood up.  “You may not care about your reputation but I have built a proper one that I must guard zealously.”

We walked outside the restaurant and stood there for a moment.  I waited for Delilah to unlock the door to the ’55 Caddy but instead, she got on her beep boop machine and did some beep booping.

“Ringing your gentleman caller?”  I asked.

“Not that that would be any of your concern but no,” Delilah said.  “I’m calling an Uber.”

“A what-er?”

“An Internet based car service,”  Delilah explained.  “A company that retains the services of drivers who are treated like independent contractors, thus rendering the need to pay for worker benefits unnecessary.”

“I think I just heard Jimmy Hoffa roll over in his unmarked grave.”

Yeah, I know Hoffa didn’t disappear until the 1980s but what can I say?  I’d been visiting old Agnes the librarian a lot, utilizing her books to bone up on everything I’d missed while I was pulling a Rip Van Winkle.

“Why call a cab when you’ve got wheels?”  I asked.

“I don’t,” Ms. Donnelly said.  “You do.”

The debutante tossed me the keys and I caught them without a hitch.

“I don’t get it.”

“A gift from Mr. Battler.  He figured that if you’re going to solve one-hundred pop culture mysteries for him, you’re going to need a reliable means of transportation.”

Like a cat in a canary cage, I was overjoyed.

“I thought you said the nerd doesn’t have much moolah.”

“He doesn’t,”  Delilah said.  “And though notoriously stingy with his own funds, Mr. Battler and his magic bookshelf do have a certain rare ability to…make things happen when they need to.”

“Magic bookshelf my eye,”  I said.  “I still say our boss is nuttier than a fruitcake.”

“You’re free to think whatever you wish, Mr. Hatcher.”

“I think I’m not going to look a gift horse as sweet as this one in the mouth,” I said as I opened up the driver’s side door. “Cancel your car, Ms. Donnelly, I’ll gladly give you a lift home.”

“That’s quite all right.”

“Are you sure?”

“Positive.”

Huh.  Another piece to the Delilah puzzle.  She obviously didn’t want me to see her digs and I was overcome with a desire to find out why.

But I knew if I pressed the issue, she’d snap up tighter than a Chinese finger trap.

So I did the only thing a gentleman could do.  I waited until her Uber picked her up and then tooled all over town with my fancy new set of wheels.

I used to have one just like it and was touched that Mr. Battler went through the trouble to find a replica.

Maybe my boss wasn’t such a dope after all.

Copyright (C) 2015 Bookshelf Q. Battler.  All Rights Reserved.

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Movie Review – Southpaw (2015) – Special Guest Reviewer – Jake Hatcher

By:  Jake Hatcher, Official Bookshelf Battle Blog Private Eye

BQB EDITORIAL NOTE: A special treat for you, 3.5 readers.  If you’re following Pop Culture Mysteries, then you know that the Official Bookshelf Battle Blog Private Eye, Jake Hatcher, was once a formidable pugilist.  His fists of fury brought down a number of vicious opponents, not to mention the Third Reich.

Thus, I decided to take a powder for this review and allow “The Jersey Jabber” to take over.

Jake Hatcher, Guest Movie Reviewer

Jake Hatcher, Guest Movie Reviewer

Another Saturday night and no dame to while away the hours with.  I was lonelier than an injured dog with one of those safety cones around its neck that renders it unable to lick itself.

To my surprise, I stepped into my office and found an envelope on my desk.  Inside?  A movie ticket for the film Southpaw and the following note:

See a movie on me, Hatcher.  It’s the least I can do for the man who keeps my 3.5 readers entertained with tales of daring-do.

Sincerely,

Bookshelf Q. Battler

Blogger-in-Chief for the Bookshelf Battle Blog

Huh.  Delilah must have dropped it off while I was at the liquor store.

Did I say liquor store?  I meant to say while I was putting in a hard day of sleuthing.

Much appreciated, Mr. Battler.  Though honestly, the least you could have done was pony up the dough for two tickets. Hell, you could have even talked that looker of a lawyer of yours into accompanying me.

Dim lights.  Emotional flick.  Perfect atmosphere to sneak in a little smooch-a-roo but oh well.  Who am I kidding?  I’ve got a better shot at stealing the Queen of England’s crown jewels than I do at stealing a kiss from the delicious dish Delilah K. Donnelly.

You know, 3.5 readers, in my day films were only shown for a limited time.  If you missed it, it was tough titty said the kitty. Thus, if some turkey gobbled up the action that you missed, you’d allow him to give you an earful and you’d thank him for it, because by and large, word of mouth was the only way you’d find out about the story you missed.

Things are different today.  Miss a film in the theater?  Just watch it on your television.  Or your phone.  Or those damn i-Whatevers.  Big phones basically.  Watch a movie on your toaster, your toothbrush, your refrigerator, your cuisinart.  If it’s a beep boop machine, then you can watch a damn movie on it.

And you can watch it whenever you want too.  On the can, in line at the delicatessen, at the dentist’s office while your teeth are getting drilled, while you’re pretending to give two shits about whatever it is your dumb friend is saying, it doesn’t matter.

Bottomline – I’m supposed to warn you that this review has more SPOILERS than Ms. Donnelly has beauty, so if you haven’t taken it in yet, then take a walk, Jack.

Movieclips Trailers – Southpaw

Mr. Battler, all complaints about your cheapness aside, I do thank you for giving me the chance to watch this movie.  It brought the good old days of my boxing career back to me faster than a Maserati with a brick on the accelerator.

So this fella, Jake Gyllenhaal.  I take it he’s the cock of the walk in Tinsel Town these days.  I’m not light in the loafers or nothin’ but I can tell a handsome man when I see one so I imagine the broads go gaga over this galoot.  Guys like that have their choice of roles so it’s to his credit that he chose this one, since it’s not exactly a glamorous one.

Gyllenhaal plays Billy Hope, an ironic name to be sure because this cat becomes utterly hopeless.

At the start of the picture, Hope has it all.  A mansion the Sultan of Brunei would be happy to call home.  A swimming pool you could sail a battleship through.  More friends than he can shake a stick at.  An adorable daughter and a wife who’s hotter than a bowl full of jalapenos.

(I just have to say that to entertain the 3.5 readers, Ms. Donnelly.  You know she’s got nothin’ on you.)

Have you folks taken a gander at this Rachel McAdams broad?  All I can say is I’ll see your “Hubba Hubba” and raise you an “Awooga!”

That gal is easy on the eyes, let me tell you.  For most of the first part of the movie, she runs around in a skimpy dress that really shows off her dynamic derriere.

Not that I want to pay attention to stuff like that, but I am a private detective.  It’s my job to notice these things.

Anyway, you don’t need to listen to me flap my yapper all night, so let me give you the straight skinny.

Hope’s world comes crashing down when Miguel Escobar, a rival for the heavyweight belt, makes an inappropriate comment about Mrs. Hope.  The champ gets madder than a box full of boll weevils, a fist fight ensues, and both fighters’ entourages join in the melee.

A gun is drawn and fired, Mrs. Hope takes a bullet and croaks like a frog on a log and yours truly is left to suffer without McAdams’ keister to gawk at for another hour and a half.

Again, I was just doing my job.

Luckily, there was plenty of other action to make up for the lack of McAdam’s marvelous mangoes.  I won’t rat out the details but the whole mess causes Hope a whole heap of financial and legal problems, see? He loses his house, his money, his kid and hits rock bottom, a place this gumshoe knows only too well.

It’s up to down and out trainer Tick Wills (Forest Whitaker) to give Hope some hope and bring him back from the brink of self-destruction.

Curtis “50-Cent” Jackson plays Hope’s conniving manager Jordan, a real slick type who drops Hope like a bad penny when the going gets tough.

As if there wasn’t enough irony in this film, 50-Cent is the fella that springs the bad news to Hope that he’s got less cash than a check-out register at a discount dime store.  Word on the street is that 50, or “Fiddy” as I hear folks call him, just filed for bankruptcy and his nickname has become more than apt.

Can anyone explain to me what a rapper is?  I woke up a year ago after a 59-year nap and like a kangaroo with a sewn up pouch, I’m confused.  All I can gather is they talk fast in rhyme to a beat.  It’s like being a real smooth Lord Byron I suppose.

Whatever rapping is, the film is accompanied by a soundtrack that rap aficionados will want to check out.  Fiddy is featured on the album, and another fella called Eminem offers up a diddy called, Phenomenal.

It’s catchy.  You should listen to it.  I hummed it for awhile after I got home until Ms. Tsang kicked me out of her kitchen because she couldn’t stand to listen to me anymore.

Can’t say as I blame her.  Sometimes I’m not the best company.  Just ask the three ex-Mrs. Hatchers.

I tip my fedora to Gyllenhaal.  The key to great acting is to transform into someone the audience doesn’t recognize, and Jake does that here.

(Try not to get confused, 3.5 readers.  The star’s name is Jake, but my name is also Jake.  Two Jakes, no waiting.)

Hope is a mumbling, bumbling fella, a punch drunk palooka who’s taken one too many smashes to the cranium.  He’s a powder keg full of rage and ready to see the slightest provocation as the match needed to set him off.  Gyllenhaal plays him to a tee.

Acting isn’t an easy gig.  When I first arrived in LaLaLand, I gave the old thespian routine a go and was laughed at by the entertainment industry power brokers like I was a clown in a pair of polka dot pants.

I try not to think about that though.  Sometimes when you fail, all that really happens is you come that much closer to figuring out what you’re good at.

Me?  I have two skills:

1)  Sleuthing.

2)  Punching dangerous desperados in the face.

Word has it Mr. Battler will even help me regale you 3.5 readers with the tale of how I became so good at the latter.  All I’ll say for now is I wish I’d never allowed that scumbag Mugsy McGillicuddy to force me to take a dive.  It cost me my chance at fame and fortune but even worse, my sweet, sweet Peaches.

If you want my recommendation, this film is worth your time.  It’s a gut wrenching story of loss and redemption.  The moral of the tale?  Appreciate what you’ve got and don’t stoop to the bad guy’s level or else you’ll lose it in an instant.  Sometimes the bigger man is the one who walks away.

Mr. Gyllenhaal, keep at it.  I think this acting thing of yours is going to work out for you.  And again, just because I pointed out that you’re a man of dapper visage doesn’t make me some kind of switch hitter for the Oakland Athletics.

Finally, I’d just like to say if my courtship of Ms. Donnelly doesn’t work out, you’re welcome to stop by Tsang’s Hong Kong Palace and eat my special egg roll, Ms. McAdams.

That’s not some kind of inappropriate innuendo.  Ms. Tsang shared her recipe with me and I make a mean plate of those delicious appetizers.  We could share a meal and shoot the bull was all I was trying to say.

Is it hot in here or is it just me?  Must be this damn trench coat I’m wearing in July.

Jake Hatcher is a hardboiled film noir style detective who fell asleep in 1955, woke up in 2014, and was recruited in June of this year by Bookshelf Battle Blog Lead Counsel Delilah K. Donnelly to solve 100 Pop Culture Mysteries.

If you have a question about movies, music, TV, books, or other forms of entertainment, drop a dime to Bookshelf Q. Battler by tweeting @bookshelfbattle and he’ll put Hatcher on the case.

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Movie Review – Pixels (2015)

Hey parents!  Remember all those video games you loved as a kid?

Well, they’re so old that they’ve become quaint!

Bookshelf Q. Battler here with a review of Adam Sandler’s action movie for kids, Pixels.

Even Pac-Man couldn’t gobble up the oncoming SPOILERS fast enough.

Movie Trailer – Pixels – Sony

Sometimes it’s hard to be Adam Sandler.

He wowed people in the 90’s with hits like Happy Gilmore and Billy Madison.  Those are two films that are still quotable today.

(You’ve never told someone something they just said made no sense and everyone is now dumber for having heard it?)

But then he made a slew of lesser films that fell flat and now he’s the point where everyone expects his movies will suck.

To his credit, this one didn’t.

If you’re looking for highbrow entertainment, then you’ll probably think it does.

If you’re a parent looking for a movie to bring your kids to that won’t bore you to tears, then you’ll enjoy it.

As kids, Sandler (Brenner), Kevin James (Cooper), Josh Gad (Ludlow), and Peter Dinklage (Eddie) once competed in a 1980’s video game tournament.

Back in those days, the lads thought the world would one day be their oyster.  Alas, they find life pretty disappointing as adults.

Brenner, who once dreamed of becoming a tech genius works at a Best Buy-esque home TV installation company.  Ludlow has become a wacky conspiracy theorist who still lives with his grandma and Eddie?  I won’t spoil it for you.

The only one who had life go his way was Cooper, but I won’t spoil that for you either.

Needless to say, the buddies who once believed their video game skills were useless in the real world become the world’s only hope when aliens attack using video game warfare.

Turns out, aliens aren’t that bright.  (Don’t tell Alien Jones).

Footage of the video game tournament was sent to outer space as an example of Earth culture in the hopes that friendly aliens would discover it.  Alas, the aliens take it as a challenge and develop real life versions of 1980’s video games to attack Earth.

Completely silly I know, but you’ll enjoy the special effects as Brenner and friends take on Centipede, Pac-Man, Donkey Kong and so on.

There’s plenty of celebrity appearances.  Brian Cox plays a cranky American general and Sean Bean plays his British counterpart.  Michelle Monaghan plays Brenner’s love interest/Army inventor of anti-alien video game technology.

Josh Gad steals the show with his antics until Dinklage steals it from him with his obnoxious, egotistical character.

Q-Bert becomes the Jar Jar Binks of the film but that’s besides the point.

Will you, as once said to Happy Madison, be dumber for watching this movie?  Maybe.  But if you suspend disbelief and silence your inner critic, you’ll be entertained.

But if you can remember a time when arcades were fun and popular, then you might want to skip it because you’ll be left feeling old…unless you’re feeling nostalgic.

STATUS:  Shelf-worthy.

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Pop Culture Mysteries: BQB’s Working On It

Hello 3.5 Readers.

WOMAN:  I'm scared! OPERATOR:  Because there's a man in your house? WOMAN:  No because BQB hasn't posted any new Pop Culture Mysteries yet!

WOMAN: I’m scared!
OPERATOR: Because there’s a man in your house?
WOMAN: No because BQB hasn’t posted any new Pop Culture Mysteries yet!

Bookshelf Q. Battler here.

Funny thing about being an aspiring writer.

Literally no one respects the process.

Here’s how my past week has been.

BQB:  Uh, HELLO?!  Can everyone leave me alone?  I’m trying to write a whimsically fun story about a private dick who woke up after a 59 year nap and now solves mysteries related to popular culture!

EVERYONE:  BAH HA HA HA! F*&K YOU AND DO OUR BIDDING, SLAVE!

Here’s hoping there will be more free time in the week ahead.

My problem has never been one of writer’s block.

I have too many ideas.  I just never have enough time.

But I know I have to pick one and this seems like a good one, with a structure that fits my life.  I can post pieces of a mystery, form an ongoing story, and then hopefully manage to produce a book at the end of the season.

Until next time, 3.5.

Photo courtesy of a shutterstock.com license.

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