Tag Archives: humor

PREVIEW TRAILER – Bookshelf Q. Battler and the Meaning of Life

Infamous Uber Nerd Bookshelf Q. Battler takes on the world - coming May 15 to a blog near you.

Infamous Uber Nerd Bookshelf Q. Battler takes on the world – coming May 15 to a blog near you.

ANNOUNCER:  Meet Bookshelf Q.Battler.  Geek?  Dweeb?  Nerd? These words don’t do him justice.

BQB:  Where did I leave my limited edition Capt. Jean Luc-Picard tea cozy?

ANNOUNCER:  And this summer?  HE’S GOING TO DIE!

BQB:  Damn it!  I haven’t even Netflixed Daredevil yet!

ANNOUNCER:  But he’ll come back to life as a man on a mission to answer life’s most illusive question.

BQB:  Why did the series finale of Dexter suck with the gale force winds of a thousand Hoovermatics?

ANNOUNCER:  Who’s the announcer here?

BQB:  Sorry.

ANNOUNCER:  You should be.  “WHAT IS THE MEANING OF LIFE?”

BQB:  Damned if I know.

ANNOUNCER:  Bookshelf Q. Battler, aka BQB, you know him as the author of a blog with 3.5 readers…

BQB:  One of them’s my aunt!

AUNT GERTIE:  Oh BQB I loved your post about the pancakes you had for breakfast this morning, bubalah.

ANNOUNCER:  He’s also the owner of a magic bookshelf.  Put a book on it and tiny versions of the book’s characters will pop out and fight over limited shelf space.

BQB:  Guys, just once I’d like to get through one day without my headquarters being set on fire by tiny literary protagonists.

ANNOUNCER: But he’ll leave it all behind to travel to a war torn nation in search of answers.

BQB:  I mean, Dexter just drives his boat up to a hospital and then walks out with his sister and NO ONE SAYS A WORD TO HIM?  WTF?!!

ANNOUNCER:  He might even find a love interest on the way…

BQB:  Is it Katee Sackhoff?

ANNOUNCER:  But will our nerdy hero be able to open up his heart?

BQB:  Oh my God, just tell me.  It’s Katee Sackhoff, isn’t it?

ANNOUNCER:  It’s not Katee Sackhoff.

BQB:  Damn it man, who wrote this drivel?!

ANNOUNCER:  You did.

BQB:  Rewrite!  “And…then…Katee Sackhoff was all over Bookshelf Q. Battler like stink on a monkey…”

ANNOUNCER:  Friday, May 15, the journey begins on the Bookshelf Battle Blog, located at bookshelfbattle.com  –  Follow updates on Twitter (@bookshelfbattle)

Read along as our noble book blogger goes on a worldwide journey of self introspection.  We’ll learn a lot about him…including his real name.

BQB:  Bookshelf Q. Sackhoff.

Copyright (C) Bookshelf Q. Battler 2015.  All Rights Reserved.

Worldly nerd image courtesy of a shutterstock.com license

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Game of Yetis – House Bookshelf – Part 8

PREVIOUSLY ON GAME OF YETIS…

Read Part 7 here.

And so it came to pass that Lord BQB and Maester Monty found themselves in Riverrun.  Lord BQB had just moments ago confided in Monty his love of large warrior women.

“Yes Monty,”  Lord BQB said.  “Big, tall, handy with a broadsword, able to vanquish my enemies but still keep me warm at night.”

“Twill be a tall order to find a damsel such as that in this realm,”  Monty replied.

Suddenly, there was a rustle in the bushes.  Out stepped an incredibly tall warrior woman with her squire in tow.

“Halt!”  the woman said.  Her hair was short in blonde.  Her face?  It looked like it might have been pretty at one time but since had grown haggard from years of toiling in battle.  “Who goes there?”

Lord Bookshelf Q. Battler, having searched high and low for a humongous warrior woman, instantly fell to his knees, rapt in the throes of passion.

“He’s speechless,”  Maester Monty said.  “That’s a first.  I am a Monty, a learned Maester of Shelftopia and this is my Lord, Bookshelf Q. Battler of House Bookshelf.”

“Ummm,”  Lord BQB said.   “Ummm uhhhh….”

“Well whoever you two imbeciles are you’re of no interest to me,”  the warrior woman said.  “Out of my way!”

“Wait!”  Lord BQB said, finally managing to eek a word out.  “Who are you, you magnificent creature?”

“This is Brienne of Tarth,”  the squire replied.  “And I am her noble squire, Podrick.”

“Brienne of Tarth,”  I said.  “Sounds lovely.  I prey you, good warrior woman, please accompany us on our quest to secure my Dew of the Mountain, for it has fallen into the hands of the evil Lord Yeti of Yetifell.”

“Oh great,”   Brienne said as she looked at Podrick then at Lord BQB.  “Another useless male I have to drag around everywhere.”

Join House Bookshelf!

Join House Bookshelf!

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Comic Book Girl 19’s Vids=Awesome

If you’re a nerd (and chances are if you’re here then you are) then you’ll totally enjoy ComicBookGirl19’s youtube channel.

She’s funny, she’s witty, her videos are well produced.  For Game of Thrones fans she has a bunch of videos where she gives you the scoop on the historical background of the various houses.  I know I felt a little lost watching the show until I found her videos and was able to learn the who’s who and what’s what of Westeros.

She also has fun characters that appear on her show like “Robot” and “Space Brain.”  I dunno.  Seems a little nerdy to me.  Dudes who claim to know aliens and yetis would be into that sort of thing I suppose.

Anyway, we’re all “indies” in one way or another just trying to get a foothold in this big wide world of Internet commentary, but I’d argue her videos provide a good standard for e-nerds to aspire to.

Here’s her movie review of Avengers: Age of Ultron

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The Last Will and Testament of BQB’s Uncle, the Late Hardass J. Scrambler

I, Hardassimo (Hardass for short) J. Scrambler, being of sound enough mind and old as shit body, do hereby state the following:

  • BQB's Late Uncle Hardass J. Scrambler

    BQB’s Late Uncle Hardass J. Scrambler

    That my nephew, Bookshelf Q. Battler, is a colossal disappointment.  Typing on a “blog” for 3.5 readers.  Doesn’t anybody work anymore?  All my life, I slaved away in the salt mines for ten cents a day and I was glad to have it.  You didn’t see me trying to be a writer.  You young people, I tell ya’.  “Ooo I wanna be a writer!  Ooo I wanna be a rock star!  Ooo I wanna be an astronaut!’  Shut up and get a job in the salt mines already, ya buncha no good unwashed hippy bums.  Is a job at the salt mines a fun time?  Hell no, but it pays the bills so stop acting like you’re all too good for it.

  • That as of the writing of this will, my Doctor informs me that my declining health is the direct result of eating five bacon sandwiches a day.  Bullshit, I say.  Everyone knows that bacon sandwiches are chock full of necessary vitamins and minerals.
  • That if I die, it will actually be the result of the intense disappointment I feel over my nephew Bookshelf Q’ Battler’s ridiculous insistence on “writing.”  Newsflash, turds.  Only like a handful of people every generation get to be famous writers.  The rest of you?  SALT MINES!
  • That after I croak, my wife Gertrude aka Aunt Gertie, who encourages my bumbling nephew in his stupidity by being one of his 3.5 readers, should burn our house down rather than give it to Bookshelf Q. Battler when she decides to head off for the old folks’ home.
  • In the event Gertie goes against my wishes and hands over our house to my idiot nephew, which he’ll probably run around pretending it’s a secret compound or something, I reserve the right to wander the halls and haunt the shit out of that place.
  • My nephew should never forget that he did not live up to my expectations and I blame Gertie.  She was always coddling the boy.  Why, I remember one day I came home from an 18-hour shift at the salt mines and found that little twerp having a party with a bunch of his stupid friends.  I said, “Hey, ya’ moron!  Why don’t you do something productive for once and get a job in the salt mines?”  And you know what Gertie said?  “Hardass, BQB’s only three years old.  Let him enjoy his little birthday party.”  And I said, “That’s no excuse!  I was working in the salt mines the day after I was born!”
  • Finally, in the event that my lousy excuse for a nephew decides to write a serialized story called “Bookshelf Q. Battler and the Meaning of Life” (due out May 15) nobody should read it.  You’re just encouraging his buffoonery.  You want to know the meaning of life?  You’re born.  You work at the salt mines.  You kick the bucket it.  That’s it.  That’s all you do.

Signed:  Uncle Hardassimo (Hardass) J. Scrambler

Don’t listen to Uncle Hardass.  He’s probably just cranky because he makes a cameo in BQB’s upcoming blog serial.  You should totally read it unless you’re too busy working at the salt mines.

Grumpy old man photo courtesy of a shutterstock.com license.

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Alien Jones – Taking Your Questions

The Intergalactic Space Force is a pants optional organization.

The Intergalactic Space Force is a pants optional organization.

He’s small.  He’s smart.

He literally has no need for pants.

He’s Alien Jones and he’s taking your questions right here on the Bookshelf Battle Blog.

How did the universe begin?

Why are we here?

What does the future hold in store for us?

Is there a Burger Queen or does the Burger King lead an incredibly lonely life?

No question is too big or too small for the Esteemed Brainy One to answer.

Heck, he might even plug your book, blog or other writing project in his “Ask the Alien” column, a semi-regular feature on bookshelfbattle.com

And you don’t even need to be a published scribe with something to promote to consult the knowledge of He of the Great Gray Matter.

Submit your questions to Bookshelf Q. Battler, Owner and Proprietor of this blog.  You can do so through a tweet to @bookshelfbattle, or drop it in the comments on this site, or stop by BQB’s Google Plus Page:

https://plus.google.com/+BookshelfBattleblog

All inquiries will be forwarded to Alien Jones’ spaceship and he will get to them when he isn’t busy fighting the dastardly Moloklaxons (Officially Branded as the A-Holes of the Universe).

Alien photo courtesy of a shutterstock.com license.

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Book Review – “Plan B” – Jonathan Tropper (2000)

I am just spoiling my 3.5 readers silly with book reviews all over the place lately.

Tropper's Plan B earns a place on my shelf.

Tropper’s Plan B earns a spot on my shelf.

Plan B is humorist Jonathan Tropper’s novel, released in 2000, about a group of friends who experience the harsh realities that come with the territory of turning thirty years old.

In fact.  “Thirty.  Shit.”  is a common refrain throughout the work.

Before I start my review, I’d like to offer the following comparison between Bookshelf Q. Battler of ten years ago and BQB of today:

UPON SEEING A SUPER HOT WOMAN

BOOKSHELF Q. BATTLER 10 YEARS AGO – Wow.  I must find a way to win her heart.  I will go out of my way to please her and spend my days thinking of ways to make her happy.  All I have is hers.  I will work to turn myself into a man who deserves such a spectacular creature.

BOOKSHELF Q. BATTLER TODAY – Oh Jesus H. Christ she looks like a whole helluvalot of work.  Probably needy and demanding.  Probably will expect me to bend over backwards for her.  Probably wants all my money.  I’ll have to compete with every other jackass that wants her. Come on, sure she’s pretty but it’s not like rainbows shoot out of her butt or anything. God, I’m too exhausted for all that hullabaloo.  NEXT!

ON HEALTH

BOOKSHELF Q. BATTLER 10 YEARS AGO – I’m going to run twenty miles and stay up all night!

BOOKSHELF Q. BATTLER TODAY – I ate an expired yogurt.  Should I go to the emergency room?

ON DREAMS

BOOKSHELF Q. BATTLER 10 YEARS AGO – I’ve worked so hard!  All my dreams will come true now!

BOOKSHELF Q. BATTLER TODAY – My dream for today is to come home, watch Netflix, eat a taco, and fall asleep in a barcalounger.  All who interfere with my dream will suffer my wrath.

The great transfer from youth to adulthood is the crux of Tropper’s novel.

As a big humor fan, I’m not sure how it took me so long to read one of Tropper’s books.  He writes with a witty style, yet still manages to jam in enough seriousness to keep a plot moving.  The sign of a good author is that after reading one of his books, you want to read his other works, and that’s how Tropper left me feeling here.

In life, you start with Plan A.  You’re young.  You look at the world through rose colored glasses.  You truly believe anything is possible, that if you work hard enough, the world will give you a fair shake.  Ask a young person what they’re going to do when they grow up, and they will often tell you with great determination that they’re going to be an actor, musician, athlete, or insert other celebrated occupation here.

Then time passes.  The world knocks you around.  You experience your first breakup.  You suffer career setbacks.  You don’t get that plum job you wanted.  You find yourself feeling lucky to have any job at all.  Time keeps moving.  You suddenly realize that time is limited and there isn’t enough left to get yourself to where you always dreamed of being.

You end up having to go for, as Tropper puts it, “Plan B.”  You try to forgive yourself for not achieving the life you always wanted.  You learn to live life as best as you can with what you have left.

The story focuses around a group of now grown up college friends – Jack, Chuck, Lindsey, Allison, and Ben, the narrator.  They’re all adjusting to life after turning thirty years old.  They’re all finding that life isn’t what they thought it would be when they were young.

Ben thought he’d be a famous novelist by thirty.  Instead, he has a low level, cubicle dwelling magazine job.  Worse, he’s getting divorced from his wife, Sarah.  He’s hung up on his old girlfriend, Lindsey, who suffers from commitment-phobia.  She goes from job to job and man to man, never committing to any kind of stability for fear she’ll be stuck in the same ole, same ole forever.

Chuck is a successful doctor, but as a former fat kid who dieted his way skinny, he’s forever stuck in a rut of chasing after women, assumably out of a fear that he has to scoop up as many as he can before his latest body issue, a receding hair line, leaves him bald and unattractive.

Allison has spent her life yearning for Jack, the most successful of the bunch.  He’s a millionaire movie star but the twist?  Fame and fortune have turned out to be all they’re cracked up to be.  He suffers from a severe cocaine addiction that’s drawing paparazzi attention and threatening his health.

The group grows concerned about their friend and when an intervention fails, they take the unconventional route of kidnapping him, transporting him to Allison’s parents’ vacation home, and holding him prisoner until the cocaine is out of his system.  Along the way, Jack goes through withdrawals and eventually escapes and disappears, causing the world to suspect the friends of foul play.  It then becomes a goofy romp as the group searches for Jack and maintains their innocence.

Yeah, on the surface cocaine and kidnapping do not sound like the ingredients of a humorous story, but the talented Tropper can make anything funny.

Some of the references may be dated.  Others manage to stand the test of time.  Maybe Tropper could write a sequel, Plan C, about how the characters find life as a bunch of fifty year olds.  By then, they’ll probably yearn for the days when they were thirty.

STATUS:  Shelf worthy.

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And Now a Message from The Yeti

Hello pitiful 3.5 readers.

The Yeti - Back by Unpopular Demand

The Yeti – Back by Unpopular Demand

This is the Yeti, former occupier of the Bookshelf Battle Blog, now prisoner in Bookshelf Battle HQ basement, from which I am only released on Thursday nights to watch Scandal with Bookshelf Q. Battler and the weird short alien man.

First, let me say, “ROAR!”

Second, let me tell you that I am guilty of nothing but good taste.  I tried to direct you 3.5 people away from Bookshelf Q. Battler’s lame pop culture obsessions and feast your eyes on lesser known gems, such as my beloved Olga’s Stewstravaganza Part 2: Electric Stewgaloo.

You must watch Olga’s Strewstravaganza Part 1 first as you will be hopelessly lost if you try to wade your way into Part 2 without taking in the breathtaking splendor of Part 1.

But you clowns ignored me and follow @bookshelfbattle on Twitter and now I am defeated by the many roundhouse kicks that were delivered by the amazing Bookshelf Q. Battler straight to my Yeti face.

Perhaps I am a glutton for punishment, but allow me one last chance to reason with you people.

Don’t mark your calendars for May 15.  That’s the day when BQB’s story, “Bookshelf Q. Battler and the Meaning of Life” begins right on this horrendous excuse for a blog.

Honestly, what does BQB know about life?  If it isn’t at the bottom of a bottle of Dew of the Mountain then that loser knows nothing about it.

Next, I urge you to not mark your calendars for June 1.  That’s the day BQB’s Project X will land on this blog’s runway.  He claims its a project so awesome that he doesn’t want to share too much about it at this time.

Let’s face it.  He’s probably going to shave me on a live podcast.

Actually, that would probably be delightful.  Summer’s on the way and all this fur is a bitch come July.

So do mark your calendars or don’t.  I don’t care.  But as you cheer on your false prophet, the incredibly dimwitted BQB, know that he is exceptionally mean to Yetis.

Why, he doesn’t even let me hold the remote during Scandal.

In conclusion, Yetis love Scandal.

We really do.

Yeti picture courtesy of a shutterstock.com license.

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A Public Service Announcement from Alien Jones

By:  Alien Jones, Intergalactic Correspondent

Greetings Earth Losers.  It is I, Alien Jones, the most intelligent being in the cosmos, here with an important public service announcement.

Beware the Moloklaxons - the Universe's Greatest Weirdoes

Beware the Moloklaxons – the Universe’s Greatest Weirdoes

Perhaps one day you one of you humans might turn off your TV, your computer, your cell phone, your iPad, your iWatch, or your iWhatever and do something crazy like, oh I don’t know, venture outside your dwelling and take in some your planet’s fresh air.

Actually, that’s not advisable as you clowns have evaporated your ozone layer, what with your body sprays and fancy butt perfumes and all, but I digress.

While your outside, you may encounter what we in the intergalactic exploration business refer to as an “Unidentified Flying Object.”

That’s a bit of a misnomer.  To you, it’s unidentified.  To us, it’s those damn Moloklaxons, the jerk faces of the universe.

While most civilized alien worlds banned the practice of abduction over a thousand years ago, the Moloklaxons feel there is nothing more hilarious to do on a Saturday night than to beam an unsuspecting human into their craft, fly all over the galaxy, perform disturbing nether region probes, then drop said human off in the middle of the nowhere, making sure to dose said human with a gallon of Kentucky bourbon so that the Earth authorities will write the abduction victim off as a drunkard or kook.

If you see such a spaceship in your vicinity – run!  And if the Moloklaxons tell you that they must abduct you in the name of intergalactic science, know this a hoax, as they are not acting in accordance with intergalactic law.

I’m glad I was able to clear up this important question, Earth losers.  Meanwhile, if you have any more questions, you should submit them to Bookshelf Q. Battler who will forward them to me.  Drop them in the comments on this blog, on BQB’s Google Plus, or tweet them to @bookshelfbattle

Finally, I’m contractually obligated to remind you that the epic blog serial story, “Bookshelf Q. Battler and the Meaning of Life” will begin right here on bookshelfbattle.com on May 15.

I’m not prominently featured in this tale so really, I could give three craps if you read it.

Alien Jones (aka Lord Alien of House Jones) is the Intergalactic Correspondent for the Bookshelf Battle Blog, on a mission to raise Earth’s collective intelligence levels one question at a time. Do you have a question for the Esteemed Brainy One? Tweet it to @bookshelfbattle on Twitter, leave it in the comments on bookshelfbattle.com, or stop by Bookshelf Battle on Google Plus. If he likes your question, he might even promote your book, blog, other project in his answer.

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And Now a Special Message from A Bunch of Hot Action Star Chicks

By:  A Bunch of Hot Action Star Chicks, Special Guest Contributors to the Bookshelf Battle Blog

A Bunch of Hot Chicks With Guns - Special Bookshelf Battle Guest Contributors

A Bunch of Hot Chicks With Guns – Special Bookshelf Battle Guest Contributors

Hello.  We’re a bunch of hot action star chicks.  We can literally say anything right now and you’ll listen, especially if you’re a man, because a) we’re hot and b) we kick ass.  Checking us out allows you to live out your impotent male fantasies of a) being a tough guy and b) getting to hang out with hot chicks.

Since we no doubt have your rapt attention, due to the fact that we’re a bunch of hot action star chicks and you’re a man, we feel the need to take advantage of this opportunity to inform you of the following important issues, which you will totally listen to, because as previously mentioned, we’re a bunch of hot action star chicks, and you’re a drooling man:

1)  Global warming is a dangerous issue and requires more attention from our world leaders.  But action begins at home.  Are you recycling?  Are you shutting off your lights and other electronic appliances when they’re not in use?  Are your making sure to not run the faucet?  Think of all the water that can be saved if you’d just shut the faucet off while you’re brushing your teeth instead of allowing it to run until your done.  A little common sense can go a long way to help Mother Earth.

2)  As a society, we must do more to help our fellow man.  We all talk a big game but honestly, talk is cheap and doing something about it is better.  Contact your local civic organizations today as there are likely many volunteer opportunities that will allow you to give back to your community.  Remember, when you take a shift at your neighborhood soup kitchen, you’re not just passing out a hot bowl of minestrone, you’re also dishing out hope.

3)  Bookshelf Q. Battler and the Meaning of Life is going to drop on this blog like a hot potato on May 15.   Mark your calendars and clear your schedules, because you know you’re going to want to read it.

In conclusion, we, a bunch of hot action star chicks, would like to thank you for taking the time to read to read BQB’s blog.

Sincerely,

A Bunch of Hot Action Star Chicks

Bunch of hot action star chicks photo courtesy of a shutterstock.com license.

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Game of Yetis – Part 7 – House Yeti

PREVIOUSLY ON GAME OF YETIS – Lord Alien of House Jones crosses the Narrow Sea after the Khaleesi tweets him a question about how to train dragons.

(By the way, did you know Alien Jones loves to promote Indie Self Publishers?  Read all about it in his latest “Ask the Alien” column.)

AND NOW GAME OF YETIS CONTINUES…

Lord Yeti and his banner yetis crossed the icy tundra to meet the white walkers on the field of battle.  Prior to engaging in sword play, the leaders of both parties decided to hold the following parlay:

LORD YETI:  Roar?

WHITE WALKER:  Errrghhh!

LORD YETI: Roar roar!

WHITE WALKER:  Ergh. Errgh?

LORD YETI: Roar! Roar. Roar.

WHITE WALKER:  Ergh.  Ergh?

LORD YETI:  Roar?

Sorry, here’s the English translation:

LORD YETI:  Why do you white walkers approach Yetifell as though you are prepared for war?

WHITE WALKER:  We wish to breach The Wall and march to Shelftopia so that we may steal all of Lord BQB’s Dew of the Mountain!

LORD YETI:  We’ve already stolen it!  It’s in my castle as we speak!

WHITE WALKER:  Oh.  Can we have some?

LORD YETI:  Of course.  Any enemy of Lord BQB is a friend of mine.  However, Lord BQB no doubt marches for Yetifell, so you must help us protect my castle from his attack.

WHITE WALKER:  Agreed.  Can we watch Scandal while we wait?

LORD YETI:  Why wouldn’t we?

I know.  It's a bear.  It was the only large dumb furry animal the HBO GOT sigil creator had.  The Yeti has complained vigorously.

I know. It’s a bear. It was the only large dumb furry animal the HBO GOT sigil creator had. The Yeti has complained vigorously.

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