Search Engine Optimized Poet
OR
The Astounding Nerdstradamus
Bookshelf Battle
The only site where new bestsellers are forced to do battle for space on a nerd's bookshelf.
Tag Archives: poetry
Search Engine Optimized Slam Poetry
:::Bongo drum beats:::
ANNOUNCER: Oh yeah. Welcome all you hep cats and kittens to the East Randomtown Java Bean, where our poets are never good and the cups are never clean.
Sit back, relax and feast your ears on frequently used search engine terms, as recited by a far out beatnik, ya’ dig?
Kardashian! Kardashian!
Nude photos are what I do seek.
Sleek and sexy pics of a goddess created in 1980 though I swear her bosoms must have started cooking in 1975. You jive?
This mole! This mole! This mole that is on my back.
Should I get it looked at, Jack?
When my mole changes colors, is it bad?
Is it just one of the many bodily imperfections that makes me, me?
Or is it the calling card of the Grim Reaper? No it can’t be.
I am not ready.
Though will I ever be?
Probably not.
How much was that Samsung Galaxy that my neighbor bought?
Women! Oh women!
How can I look better for chicks?
How can I drop flab and improve my abs?
Where I can I buy a selfie-stick?
Who killed JFK? Will we meet aliens one day?
Is Trump’s hair for real? Does Costco have good deals?
How many calories are in McDonald’s meals?
I’m trying to watch my weight.
How do I ask a foxy lady out on a date?
Pluto! Oh Pluto! Pluto, are you still a planet?
Or are you just Mickey Mouse’s dog?
How do I fix a toilet that’s been clogged?
Is there anything that Siri doesn’t know?
What in the hell is zero divided by zero?
Can you believe Khloe and Lamar gave it another go?
Whoa! Put my mind at ease.
What’s the best treatment to cure my dog of those pesky fleas?
Is global warming caused by chopping down too many trees?
What smells can be removed with a spritz of Febreze?
Is there a way I can stop losing my car keys?
I want to go to the movies.
What time does the latest flick start?
And tell me…will I die if I hold in my fart?
Who does Caitlyn Jenner’s hair?
Can Ronda Rousey defeat me with one icy glare?
Is this the right season to buy a pear?
Should I go to IKEA to buy my next chair?
Stamos! John Stamos! How in the world does he still look so youthful?
How can I tell if my mate is being truthful?
I can’t think of a word that rhymes with truthful but I can think of thoughts that strain the minds of lesser men.
Why did Mike Brady spend so much time in his den?
Did it make him feel zen?
I know where I am but do you know where I’ve been?
I’ve been to Mars. On a rocket that was thrustin’.
What’s the latest single from Bieber comma Justin?
Is it Sorry? Is he really sorry?
What was the first video console ever made?
I bet it was Atari.
After a first date, how many days must I wait…before I can call that chick again?
Was Peter Parker’s father really named Ben?
Stress! Oh stress! How can I push you away?
When is the next holiday?
Is Adam Lambert gay?
Is that a cool question to even say?
It probably isn’t. My apologies.
What is the best wine to drink while eating cheese?
Happy World Poetry Day
Who is your favorite poet, 3.5 readers?
In Honor of National Girlfriend Day
An Ode to Video Game Rack Fighter
aka Victoria Gloria
By: Bookshelf Q. Battler
Oh! Player of pixelized fantasies!
Circumventer of fictional globes brought to life by the greatest minds of Seattle.
Oh how overjoyed am I, that YOU, would fight in MY Bookshelf Battle.
Ye, life is more interesting to those who hold an interest in anything.
Even if it’s making your thumb sticks sing.
I met her in a story,
Read by a mere 3.5 people.
I haven’t even finished it.
It’s like a half built steeple.
Will we ever, ever meet the Great Guru?
The answer is something I wish I knew.
Excavator of X-Box, Purveyor of Playstation,
Racking up the experience points in her online nation.
Video games are her version of crack.
And like my magic shelf, things are happening on her rack.
Will she write a column about what she knows best?
Become this blog’s first female columnist.
Put an end to the dude fest.
Will she ever press pause?
Not even if the Yeti ripped my head off with his claws.
BQB now accepting nominations for the post of Poet Laureate.
Image courtesy of a shutterstock.com license.
Ask the Alien – 7/05/15 – Higgs Boson
By: Alien Jones, Intergalactic Correspondent
Greetings Earth Losers. Alien Jones here, once again helping Bookshelf Q. Battler’s blog, purely out of a desire to help this nerd get his writing career off the ground and not because the Mighty Potentate has threatened to vaporize me while my government mandated life mate watches.
Ahh, that Mighty Potentate. What a card.
Alien Steve hard at work on the Potentate Particle
As you 3.5 readers are aware, I have other commitments. I’ve been busy trying to quell a brewing civil war in the Kovire system. Something to do with a scandal involving one of the ruling dictator’s 10,000 wives. I’ll spare you the sordid details.
Suffice to say I’ve been busy, so my apologies for getting to this question so late. Author K.D. Rose whose works include The Brevity of Twit: Poetry in 140 Characters asks:
June 22. Welcome to the Bookshelf Battle Blog, where our motto is, “We get to your questions before the next Ice Age.”
Ahh yes, Higgs Boson. You adorable humans think you’ve unlocked the secrets of the so-called “God Particle.”
Here’s a NY Times explanation presented in a manner easily understood by the delicate human brain.
Watching humans work on science is like watching a monkey try to open up a can of beans, except sooner or later the monkey actually accomplishes the task.
While Earth scientists have done their best in this area, my colleague, Alien Steve, the most revered scientist on my home planet, made this discovery eons ago. Dubbed, “the Potentate Particle,” Alien Steve determined through carefully conducted scientific analysis that the field in which particles are located is made out of microscopic grape jelly particles.
It makes sense when you try to wrap your mind around it. Grape jelly holds things together, whether it be two slices of bread or many, many particles.
Of course, Alien Steve named his discovery in honor of our beloved Supreme and Undisputed Overlord, the Mighty Potentate, because of his love and admiration for our illustrious benefactor and not out of fear of vaporization.
I mean, legally we’re required on our planet to tell you we do everything out of a sense of love and admiration for the Mightiest of Potentates, but that law is silly. We’d do it anyway because we love and admire the guy so much.
Thank you for question and please continue tweeting your poetry to the twitterverse.
Alien Jones is the Intergalactic Correspondent for the Bookshelf Battle Blog, on a mission to raise Earth’s collective intelligence levels one question at a time. Do you have a question for the Esteemed Brainy One? Tweet it to @bookshelfbattle on Twitter, leave it in the comments on bookshelfbattle.com, or stop by Bookshelf Battle on Google Plus. If he likes your question, he might even promote your book, blog, other project in his answer.
Green alien image courtesy of a shutterstock.com license.
Happy World Poetry Day!
Tales of ogres, dragons, and elves,
You’ll never know what you’ll find
On my bookshelves.
Something something something schmattle…
Welcome to the Bookshelf Battle.
My feelings of anger
Are not petty.
Let me tell you
How I Despise the Yeti
Hey 3.5. Happy World Poetry Day!
Here’s three of my poetry discussions:
Do Not Go Gentle Into That Good Night
Have a favorite poem you’d like me (or the Stupid Yeti) to discuss on bookshelfbattle.com? Drop it in the comments.
Maya Angelou on Untold Stories
“There is no greater agony than bearing an untold story inside you.”
– Maya Angelou
There’s truth to that, isn’t there? Sometimes life would be easier if I didn’t feel this need to write…
Walt Whitman’s O Captain! My Captain!
Written to honor President Abe Lincoln after his assassination, Walt Whitman’s O Captain! My Captain! compares the end of the Civil War to the end of a long ship voyage, and Lincoln to a journey weary Captain. Makes sense, as Lincoln did guide the nation through some very choppy seas.
O Captain! My Captain!
By: Walt Whitman
O Captain! my Captain! our fearful trip is done,
The ship has weather’d every rack, the prize we sought is won,
The port is near, the bells I hear, the people all exulting,
While follow eyes the steady keel, the vessel grim and daring;
But O heart! heart! heart!
O the bleeding drops of red,
Where on the deck my Captain lies,
Fallen cold and dead.O Captain! my Captain! rise up and hear the bells;
Rise up—for you the flag is flung—for you the bugle trills,
For you bouquets and ribbon’d wreaths—for you the shores a-crowding,
For you they call, the swaying mass, their eager faces turning;
Here Captain! dear father!
This arm beneath your head!
It is some dream that on the deck,
You’ve fallen cold and dead.My Captain does not answer, his lips are pale and still,
My father does not feel my arm, he has no pulse nor will,
The ship is anchor’d safe and sound, its voyage closed and done,
From fearful trip the victor ship comes in with object won;
Exult O shores, and ring O bells!
But I with mournful tread,
Walk the deck my Captain lies,
Fallen cold and dead.
The poem is often used as a tribute to leaders in general, and was prominently featured in Dead Poets Society, starring Robin Williams.
Fun fact – a Walt Whitman poetry book carelessly left on a toilet tank would go on to play an important part in AMC’s Breaking Bad.
So, good for you, WW, you honored a great president, and you were featured on a cable drama.
Shakespeare’s Sonnet 130 – “My Mistress’ Eyes Are Nothing Like the Sun.”
Happy Valentine’s Day!
Behold! I will now present what I argue is the greatest love poem ever written:
Sonnet 130: My Mistress’ Eyes Are Nothing Like The Sun
BY WILLIAM SHAKESPEARE
My mistress’ eyes are nothing like the sun;
Coral is far more red than her lips’ red;
If snow be white, why then her breasts are dun;
If hairs be wires, black wires grow on her head.
I have seen roses damasked, red and white,
But no such roses see I in her cheeks;
And in some perfumes is there more delight
Than in the breath that from my mistress reeks.
I love to hear her speak, yet well I know
That music hath a far more pleasing sound;
I grant I never saw a goddess go;
My mistress, when she walks, treads on the ground.
And yet, by heaven, I think my love as rare
As any she belied with false compare.
Was Shakespeare being serious here? Was he being satiric? Both?
I think we have an early example of parody here.
Every love poem compares a woman’s eyes to the sun, her breath to perfume, her cheeks to roses, etc. Here, Shakespeare is saying, “You know what? I have a regular, normal, average woman. She’s nothing special. But I love her anyway.”
And that’s a great thing! Most people are normal, average, and ordinary. You don’t need to over hype people to love them. Just love your special someone for who they are.
Now then – and listen carefully, dudes. Keep in mind I am not recommending that you take your ladies out tonight and tell them, “Baby, your breathe reeks, your breasts are grey (dun being an old word for grey), you’re no goddess, and music sounds better than you do!”
And in fact, as a disclaimer to all the crooked lawyers out there reading this – the Bookshelf Battler takes no responsibility for anything that happens to a man who recites Shakespeare’s Sonnet 130 to his lady love.
Because while most people won’t get it, it really is a sweet poem. Why?
Because anyone can love a person with breathe like perfume and whose voice is like music, but true love comes in loving the normal, the average, the ordinary, and even the below average. And as hot as your woman may be, no one really has breathe like perfume, walks like a goddess, etc.
You may think there are a handful of women like that in the world, but I’d imagine even Brad Pitt is like, at least once in awhile, “Damn Angelina’s breath stanks!!!”
So this Valentine’s Day, grab hold of your very average and ordinary loved ones, knowing that to you they are above average and extraordinary, and make them feel that way.
But seriously. Don’t tell her that her eyes are nothing like the sun.
The Greatest Love Poem Ever Written
Tomorrow, in honor of Valentine’s Day, I will share with you the greatest love poem ever written.
Before then, does anyone want to venture a guess as to what it is?
Bookshelf Battle 