Bookshelf Battle
The only site where new bestsellers are forced to do battle for space on a nerd's bookshelf.
Tag Archives: scifi
Alien Jones Abducting Your Questions!
And he really wants to answer them too.
Alien Jones abducting questions from indie authors.
And not just because his Supreme Overlord, the Mighty Potentate, has threatened to vaporize him if he doesn’t.
Still need proof? Here’s a conversation we had just the other day:
BQB: Alien Jones, you’d still help indie authors promote their books on the Bookshelf Battle Blog even if the Mighty Potentate hadn’t threatened to vaporize you, right?
AJ: Ummm…
BQB: I doubt he’s listening.
AJ: He’s totally listening! He knows all! YES! Yes, of course, I love answering human questions. It warms the cockles of my ganderflazer it surely does. I love writing the “Ask the Alien” column just as much as I love the Mighty Potentate.
Alien Jones is the Intergalactic Correspondent for the Bookshelf Battle Blog, on a mission to raise Earth’s collective intelligence levels one question at a time. Do you have a question for the Esteemed Brainy One? Tweet it to @bookshelfbattle on Twitter, leave it in the comments on bookshelfbattle.com, or stop by Bookshelf Battle on Google Plus. If he likes your question, he might even promote your book, blog, other project in his answer.
Image courtesy of a shutterstock.com license.
Pop Culture Mysteries – Case File #003 – Relationships (Part 4 – Conclusion)
PREVIOUSLY ON POP CULTURE MYSTERIES…
PART 1 – A late night visit from Ms. Donnelly
PART 2 – A later arrival by Ms. Tsang
PART 3 – Once again, our resident gumshoe has Agnes the Librarian do his homework for him.
AND NOW THE POP CULTURE MYSTERIES CONTINUE…
The pages of research that Agnes had printed out for me sat on my desk, pieces of of a puzzle that I needed to sort and put together if I was ever going to make heads or tails of this mess.
Bookshelf Q. Battler’s question needed to be answered:
How did Doc Brown and Marty McFly know each other in Back to the Future?
THE CHARACTERS
Doc Brown and Marty McFly weren’t two individuals who would hang out together under normal circumstances, that’s for sure.
“What’s a jiggawatt?”
DOC BROWN – Elderly wild haired scientist. A genius to be sure and yet not all of his brain cylinders were firing at once when it came to mental stability. What kind of a man makes a deal to build a bomb for Libyan terrorists with the intention of hoodwinking them and stealing their plutonium to use for his time machine? I haven’t decided if that move made him certifiably bonkers, the owner of a big pair of brass cajones, or both.
MARTY MCFLY – Popular 1980s kid. Liked trucks, music and his pretty girlfriend. Doesn’t actually appear to be all that interested in science.
WHAT THE MOVIE TELLS US
Not much. The first film begins with the two already knowing each other. Marty’s family don’t appear to know much or care about his relationship with Doc Brown. There’s never any indication or clue as to how a teenage boy came to be the acquaintance of a mad scientist.
THE POSSIBILITIES
#1- They Were Friends
It may be hard to believe for a generation that’s glued to their beep boop machines, and their Facebooks and Twitters and social netwhatevers but there was a time when people actually walked around their neighborhood and got to know one another.
Even harder for you to believe is that there was a time when people actually gave a crap about each other. You ever heard of the saying, “It takes village to raise a child?” Used to apply. Back in the day, parents would get reports on their kids from the teacher, the bus driver, the milk man, the barber, the butcher, the baker, the candlestick maker, literally everyone who spotted the kid walking around town would notify the parents if the kid was acting like a jerk.
And more surprising to you folks is the fact that the parents would usually punish the kid appropriately rather than sue the adult reporter for offending them.
Times sure have changed. There used to be a day when a kid could walk around with reckless abandon but today a youngster who does that risks having his face end up on the side of a milk carton. (What, they don’t do the milk carton thing anymore?)
In simpler times, kids would knock on the neighbor’s door to say hello and they’d actually come back alive and well. There were whole television shows about it. Dennis the Menace was a late 1950’s/early 1960’s show about a boy who kept pestering his curmudgeonly neighbor Mr. Wilson, only for the lonely and childless Mr. Wilson to occasionally note that he appreciated the young lad’s friendship despite the hijinx that transpired whenever Dennis was around.
Hell, there used to even be a show on Nickelodeon called Mr. Wizard in which random kids would just stumble into a scientist’s house and conduct experiments with him.
And Mr. Rogers? He began each show by inviting the neighbor kids into his house with a “Won’t you please, won’t you please, won’t you be my neighbor? Hi neighbor.”
And you know what happened back then? Nothing. Dennis the Menace returned to his parents no worse for wear, Mr. Wizard’s students returned to their homes with minds full of knowledge and Mr. Roger’s neighbors returned to the neighborhood, their heads full of stories and wonder.
Shows where kids and adults befriend each other have understandably gone extinct due to a multitude of news reports about adults doing evil, unspeakable things to children. As a lawman, I understand. I trust no one and if I had a kid, I wouldn’t let it out of my sight for a second, let alone allow it to form a friendship with some random adult person. There’s just too many freaks and weirdos out there today.
But keep in mind the 1980’s, like my own time in the 1950’s, was a less suspicious time period and it would not have been out of the ordinary back then for a teenager to befriend a mad scientist. Today, Marty’s parents would probably call the cops on Doc Brown and file a restraining order.
Doc and Marty were pals to be sure, but that can’t be the end of it.
#2 – Employee/Employer
Could Doc Brown have hired Marty to help him out? He was working on a lot of complicated experiments. Building a time machine isn’t a one man job. It dawned on me maybe Doc gave Marty a few bucks to help him tote his plutonium and lug his capacitors and so forth.
The smoking gun that put this case to bed was right in front of my nose. In an article on movieline.com, it is reported that Back to the Future co-writer Bob Gale has stated there was a backstory that never made it into the films. Apparently, when Marty was 13 or 14, after hearing rumors that Doc Brown was a lunatic crackpot, Marty snuck into his lab, was in awe of all the gadgets and gizmos he found and Doc Brown decided to give Marty a part-time job helping out with the experiments.
Conclusion
I’m going to go with #1 with a side of #2 (coincidentally, my favorite order at Tsang’s China Palace.)
Marty was Doc Brown’s employee. We don’t know how much moolah Marty made off the gig, but it makes sense. Marty wasn’t a nerd and since nerds weren’t that accepted long ago, the movie probably would have tanked had Marty been some kind of geek who actually enjoyed learning about science from Doc. Instead, Marty was presented as a cool kid, the kid that kids watching the movie wanted to be like. A kid like that is only going to get interested in science if there’s money involved.
Still, there’s no doubt that a friendship was there as well. Doc and Marty save each others’ hides throughout the film trilogy and a person doesn’t usually stick his neck out for another fella unless he cares.
Pop Culture Mysteries – Copyright (c) Bookshelf Q. Battler 2015. All Rights Reserved.
Images courtesy of a shutterstock.com license
Got a lead on a Pop Culture Mystery? Drop a dime. Tweet to @bookshelfbattle #popculturemysteries or leave it in the comments on this blog. BQB will dispatch Attorney Donnelly to deliver your inquiry to Detective Hatcher posthaste.
Ask the Alien – 7/05/15 – Higgs Boson
By: Alien Jones, Intergalactic Correspondent
Greetings Earth Losers. Alien Jones here, once again helping Bookshelf Q. Battler’s blog, purely out of a desire to help this nerd get his writing career off the ground and not because the Mighty Potentate has threatened to vaporize me while my government mandated life mate watches.
Ahh, that Mighty Potentate. What a card.
Alien Steve hard at work on the Potentate Particle
As you 3.5 readers are aware, I have other commitments. I’ve been busy trying to quell a brewing civil war in the Kovire system. Something to do with a scandal involving one of the ruling dictator’s 10,000 wives. I’ll spare you the sordid details.
Suffice to say I’ve been busy, so my apologies for getting to this question so late. Author K.D. Rose whose works include The Brevity of Twit: Poetry in 140 Characters asks:
June 22. Welcome to the Bookshelf Battle Blog, where our motto is, “We get to your questions before the next Ice Age.”
Ahh yes, Higgs Boson. You adorable humans think you’ve unlocked the secrets of the so-called “God Particle.”
Here’s a NY Times explanation presented in a manner easily understood by the delicate human brain.
Watching humans work on science is like watching a monkey try to open up a can of beans, except sooner or later the monkey actually accomplishes the task.
While Earth scientists have done their best in this area, my colleague, Alien Steve, the most revered scientist on my home planet, made this discovery eons ago. Dubbed, “the Potentate Particle,” Alien Steve determined through carefully conducted scientific analysis that the field in which particles are located is made out of microscopic grape jelly particles.
It makes sense when you try to wrap your mind around it. Grape jelly holds things together, whether it be two slices of bread or many, many particles.
Of course, Alien Steve named his discovery in honor of our beloved Supreme and Undisputed Overlord, the Mighty Potentate, because of his love and admiration for our illustrious benefactor and not out of fear of vaporization.
I mean, legally we’re required on our planet to tell you we do everything out of a sense of love and admiration for the Mightiest of Potentates, but that law is silly. We’d do it anyway because we love and admire the guy so much.
Thank you for question and please continue tweeting your poetry to the twitterverse.
Alien Jones is the Intergalactic Correspondent for the Bookshelf Battle Blog, on a mission to raise Earth’s collective intelligence levels one question at a time. Do you have a question for the Esteemed Brainy One? Tweet it to @bookshelfbattle on Twitter, leave it in the comments on bookshelfbattle.com, or stop by Bookshelf Battle on Google Plus. If he likes your question, he might even promote your book, blog, other project in his answer.
Green alien image courtesy of a shutterstock.com license.
Pop Culture Mysteries – Case File #003 – Relationships (Part 3)
PREVIOUSLY ON POP CULTURE MYSTERIES…
Part 1 – Attorney Donnelly visits Jake at an ungodly hour. Ms. Tsang and Ernie arrive a little after that.
Part 2 – How do Jake and Ms. Tsang know each other?
AND NOW THE POP CULTURE MYSTERIES CONTINUE…
“I don’t get it,” I said as Agnes switched off the library’s movie playing thingamabob.
“What’s not to get?” Agnes asked. “It was a movie. It was fun. Now it’s over.”
It’s a movie. It was fun. Now it’s over.
Agnes the Librarian, Champion Shusher
That’s the way I used to feel about entertainment. That’s the way most people feel about it. We all have so much going on in our own lives that there’s just not enough hours in the day to devote to examining the finer points of cinema and yet three cases in and I was becoming as obsessed as Mr. Battler.
And it wasn’t just a movie. Agnes and I watched all three movies in the library’s media room.
(Not for nothing but I was a little concerned about Agnes’ work ethic.)
“So this kid goes back and time and boinks his mother?” I asked. “That’s disgusting.”
“They didn’t boink,” Agnes replied. “Marty’s mother was young. She assumed Marty was just another boy to make moon eyes at.”
“And yet when she grows up and gives birth to Marty, she never once finds it odd that her kid looks exactly like this Calvin Klein fella that she met when she was in high school?”
“I don’t know,” Agnes said. “Do I look like a movie expert or something?”
“And what kind of a guy just leaves his girl sleeping on a porch unattended?” I asked. “Ma Hatcher would jump out of her grave and beat me with a rolling pin if I ever did anything like that.”
Agnes ignored me and put away the movie discs.
“Have they invented hover boards yet? And why is Biff such a horse’s ass?”
I followed Agnes out onto the library floor.
“It’s the end of my shift,” Agnes said. “I need to go check on Herbert.”
“All right,” I said. “Just one more question. Did you happen to notice if there was ever a hint as to how the kid and the doctor knew each other?”
“What?” Agnes asked with a sour looking expression. She always made a face like she was sucking on a lemon whenever she was frustrated with me.
“Doc Brown and Marty,” I said. “They’re the two main characters in these damn pictures and yet there’s not one line that mentions how these two met. That’s a plot hole you could drive a dump truck through, isn’t it?”
The librarian threw her arms up in the air.
“WHO CARES?”
“Well,” I said. “If you’re going to be that way about it…”
Agnes rubbed her temples then put a hand on my shoulder.
“Young man,” she said. “I have to say, you have me a bit worried. You come in here all the time reeking of hard liquor. You’re unshaven. You look depressed and frankly, you’re not taking very good care of yourself. I don’t mean to pry, but do you have a job?”
“I’m a fully licensed and bonded private investigator, ma’am,” I responded matter-of-factly.
“And you expect me to believe that?” the old gal replied. “Son, you need to get a job. If you want to come to the library, that’s great. You’re more than welcome. But don’t waste your time here watching movies. I can help you look for gainful employment.”
She wanted to help me find work. The idea intrigued me.
“Think there’s anyone who needs a man who’s handy with a P58 Schotzenhauer?”
“I don’t know,” Agnes said. “Is that some kind of tool or something?”
“Not exactly,” I said. “But it sure did come in handy during the war.”
Agnes’ expression turned more solemn.
“Oh,” she said as she covered her mouth. “Oh you poor man. That explains everything. Say no more.”
I’d said too much. Most WWII vets were either dead and buried or on their last legs. I was the only one who was strutting around like a prized peacock.
“You know, there’s a support group for veterans who served in Afghanistan and Iraq that meets here twice a month,” Agnes said. “You should sign up for it.”
I didn’t correct her. Why blow my cover? Besides, wars are wars. The shit is the shit.
“I’ll think about it,” I said.
“You do that,” Agnes said. “But I expect you here next Wednesday for computer class. I’ve already signed you up and you’ll never get a job when you don’t even know the difference between a mouse and a keyboard.”
I gave the broad a light, playful punch in the shoulder.
“You’re a good egg, Ag,” I said. “Don’t ever change.”
BQB EDITORIAL NOTE: I’m starting to think I should just fire Jake and hire Agnes. Why go through the middle-man?
Copyright (c) Bookshelf Q. Battler 2015. All Rights Reserved.
Image courtesy of a shutterstock.com license.
One Post a Day for a Year Challenge – The Point of No Return
Happy Friday, 3.5 Readers.
This year sure has flown by.
For those just tuning in, I’m knee deep in a one post a day for a year challenge.
As promised at the beginning, angry yetis, ninjas, chupacabras, robots, highlanders, or any other distractions will not stop this nerd from his appointed rounds.
It’s been a real hustle, but so far it’s been worth it:
TWITTER: 2000 at end of last year to 5,000 as of yesterday. (Up 3,000)
WORDPRESS FOLLOWERS: Around 400 at end of last year to over 1,200 as of today. (Up 800)
By the end of the year, I’d love to get my Twitter follows up to 10K and WordPress follows up to 2K. Any help you can provide with that would be awesome. Do you have a favorite Bookshelf Battle Blog post? Please consider sharing a link on your blog or favorite social media platform.
The Road Ahead
So many people suffer from writer’s block that I hate to say this, but I suffer from something else:
Writer’s Idea Surge
I have too many ideas and barely enough time to scratch the surface of them all. I want to write a book based on every idea I have and I want to have done it yesterday but alas, life gets in the way.
I’d like to pull a Dr. Malcolm from Jurassic Park. Life should uh…find a way, in my case.
I’ve given Bookshelf Q. Battler and the Meaning of Life short shrift lately, putting more of my energy into Pop Culture Mysteries.
I go where the feedback goes and the numbers show people have been peaking at Jake’s adventures more than BQB’s.
I love them both and I need to finish my BQB story. After all, when that yarn is spun, it will set out the whole point of this blog, that namely, it’s the online presence of a nerdy storyteller with a magic bookshelf. His awesomeness attracts an assortment of characters (an angry yeti, a know it all alien, a mad scientist and yes, even a 1950’s detective) who want to tell their tales on his blog.
But I also have to help Jake edit and post his case files. I think his stories have the potential to get the BQB brand into the self published novel business.
I’m going to let Jake run wild in July then tell him to take a chill pill in August so I can finish the epic story of how I discovered the meaning of life with my newfound main squeeze Victoria Gloria (aka Video Game Rack Fighter).
Believe it or not but BQB and the Meaning of Life needs to conclude because there is some crossover with Pop Culture Mysteries.
In PCM, I (BQB) am sort of the Charlie who commands the angels without ever being seen. (Don’t tell Jake I called him an angel).
I don’t want to get ahead of myself, but if all goes to plan, I’d like to work on my “crowdsourcing a novel” idea this fall.
Jake’s ready to share his experiences from one of his most notorious cases, the hunt for the infamous serial killer known as Mr. Devil Man.
I’ll post Jake’s excerpts, you fine 3.5 readers can tell me what works and what doesn’t and ultimately, advise me on whether or not this would be worth packaging into a novel to be sold on Amazon.
(As a 1950’s guy, Jake doesn’t understand that self publishing = profit so uh, you know, don’t tell him that either. Alien Jones and I are planning to use the book proceeds to go to Vegas).
Right now I’m in the “if you build it, they will come” phase. I’m averaging around 50 readers a day (a far cry from 3.5). That inspires me to keep going but at the same time, I know I need to keep increasing that figure in order to make the pace I’m working at sustainable into the future.
As always, thanks for reading 3.5. You are the glue that holds this whole shebang together.
5000 Twitter Followers – A Message to the Mighty Potentate
SECURE TRANSMISSION
TO: The Mightiest of Potentates, He Whose Wonderous Nature Provides Smiles and Happiness in All Corners of the Universe
FROM: Alien Jones, Your Humble Servant, Intergalactic Correspondent for the Bookshelf Battle Blog
Respectful Greetings, Mighty Potentate! Allien Jones here to report that Bookshelf Q. Battler has reached 5000 followers on the social media site known as “Twitter.”
How Aliens Send E-Mail
As you are already aware because there is nothing our genius species doesn’t already know, Twitter is a communications site that limits the humans to a mere 140 characters.
Lab studies indicate that messages of 141 characters or longer cause the average human brain to implode from confusion.
Surely with this magnanimous achievement, I may now be released from my assignment of assisting BQB with his writing career.
I make this request, oh Exceptionally Macho One, for when I am able to cut loose from this nerd, er I mean, this bold new talent, I will be able to serve you better in your mission to bring peace and prosperity throughout the cosmos.
Why, at this very moment, I could be coordinating the charitable efforts to help the citizens of Lukanamo rebuild their planet after the recent and most devastating hurratyphoonicane.
(I keep advising the Regent of Lukanamo to stop letting his subjects build in hurratyphoonicane zones but does he listen? Noooooo.
Infinite Respectful Closings, oh Unfathomably Brilliant One.
Your Humble Servent,
Alien Jones.
@bookshelfbattle has reached 5,000 twitter followers! While an amazing feat, BQB is already drooling over the possibility of reaching 10K. Help him out with a follow. You’ll get more awesomeness and updates about what’s happening at bookshelfbattle.com
Alien Jones is the Intergalactic Correspondent for the Bookshelf Battle Blog, on a mission to raise Earth’s collective intelligence levels one question at a time. Do you have a question for the Esteemed Brainy One? Tweet it to @bookshelfbattle on Twitter, leave it in the comments on bookshelfbattle.com, or stop by Bookshelf Battle on Google Plus. If he likes your question, he might even promote your book, blog, other project in his answer.
Alien image courtesy of a shutterstock.com license.
Pop Culture Mysteries – Case #003 – Relationships (Part 1)
By: Jake Hatcher, Official Bookshelf Battle Blog Private Eye
Pop Culture Mystery Question: How did Doc and Marty from Back to the Future movies meet/know each other? (Or, what was their relationship?)
That old familiar brown liquid sat in my glass, staring at me, leering at me as if I were some kind of cheap dime store call girl.
Sure, that hooch would go down smooth and we’d have a good time together, but the next morning it’d be gone and I’d be left to face the world as a desperate rummy instead of the decent man I knew was lurking somewhere deep inside me.
Alcohol – all it ever provided me was short term relief from a long term problem.
Hatcher can’t get enough of that delicious brown stuff.
“I don’t need you,” I said as I slid the shot across the table.
Five seconds…ten…fifteen.
I barely made it to thirty before I seized the glass and tossed its goodness down my gullet, the warm contents falling into my stomach and launching my mind into outer space.
Oh well. Who cares about tomorrow as long as you can feel good today?
I liked to think of myself as an independent man, a fella who didn’t need anyone or anything but alcohol was the monkey on my back that refused to relinquish my banana.
I wanted to quit drinking but the world was such a harsh place that booze had become the only cure for what ailed me. It distracted me from crippling loneliness and the sinking feeling that I’d never know the soft touch of a woman ever again.
The ironic twist? It was a filthy habit that was causing the ladies to steer their cabooses onto any other track but mine.
I drank because I was lonely and I was lonely because I drank. I was like a junkyard dog chasing its own tail.
I looked at the clock above Ms. Tsang’s stove.
Midnight. The witching hour. The start of a new day. I knew it wouldn’t be any better than the one before it. I suppose when a man reaches that point he might as well keep on pounding back the hard stuff.
So I did. I had another one.
Like a paparazzi’s camera roll after a starlet sighting, I was spent. Without the strength to carry my carcass upstairs to my office, I did the next best thing.
I laid down smack dab in the middle of Ms. Tsang’s kitchen floor.
It wasn’t as bad as you might think. Ms. Tsang was immaculate when it came to her workspace. It was already a floor you could eat off of so why not sleep there as well?
I’ve never been an overly religious man, but that night I was feeling low (well, lower than usual) and had a hankering to communicate with the almighty.
“Lord,” I said. “Your servant, Jake Hatcher here. I must say I’m awfully fond of one of your creations, Ms. Delilah K. Donnelly. If you could see fit to convince that gal to go ga ga over yours truly, I promise I’ll take good care of her.”
Me take care of her. That’s a laugh. Delilah was one of the most independent women I’d ever seen in all my days. If anything, it’d of been vice versa but the last thing she needed was a washed up old has been like me weighing her down like an anchor around her neck where her pretty pearls normally resided.
Ms. Tsang’s doorbell rang.
“CLOSED!” I shouted.
I wished I hadn’t. I had a headache that felt like a drum solo was being beaten into my brain. The sound of my big yapper made it that much worse.
Another ring.
“BEAT IT!”
The tiny beep boop machine in my pocket rang. I picked it up.
“Hello?”
“Mr. Hatcher?”
Jesus, Mary and Joseph plus all the saints thrown in for good measure. Who says prayers go unanswered?
“Yes,” I said. “Ms. Donnelly?”
“Indeed.”
Three more doorbell rings.
“Hold on,” I said as I raised my weary body up to a tenuous standing position. “I have to go deliver a clothesline straight to the snot box of whoever’s ringing Ms. Tsang’s door bell.”
I opened the door and there she was, a stunning blonde vision, switching her beep boop phone off.
“Ms. Donnelly!” I said, surprised.
“Good evening, Mr. Hatcher,” Delilah said as she crossed the thresh hold. “I wasn’t sure you were awake so I gave you a jingle. I do apologize for paying a visit at this ungodly hour.”
“Not a problem whatsoever, Ms. Donnelly,” I said as I closed the door behind her and ushered her to a chair at the kitchen table.
“And pretell, Mr. Hatcher, what would your mother say about you threatening to punch a woman in the…what was it? ‘A snot box?’”
I always got a kick out of it whenever Ms. Donnelly said lowbrow words in her high society Patrician accent.
“If I apologize a thousand times a day from now until the day I’m six feet under, it still won’t be enough. Please understand, it was a case of mistaken identity. I thought you were some bum trying to get Ms. Tsang to make him a late night snack.”
“I see,” Ms. Donnelly said.
She even looked good at midnight.
“I’d sooner chop my hand off with a rusty butter knife and feed it to a great white shark than raise it to a lady,” I said. “Ma Hatcher never even had to teach me that one.”
She tilted her nose upward. It wasn’t that far of a trip, since she walked around with it in the air most of time anyway. She sniffed the air and a disgusted look took over her face.
I reeked of booze. I wasn’t proud of it.
“Well Mr. Hatcher,” Delilah said as she handed me an envelope. “I shan’t keep you from your pleasant evening of inebriation for much longer. I just wanted to deliver your next Pop Culture Mystery.”
“Thank you ma’am,” I said. “Not that I’d ever scoff at your delightful company, but I must say I’m intrigued to see you here at this time of night. It almost makes one wonder if you felt a sudden need to feast your eyes on my mug.”
“One should keep wondering,” Delilah instantly replied. It would of been nice if she’d at least taken a minute to think it over.
The front door opened and Ms. Tsang walked in. She was approaching seventy years old and yet the look on her face? The old gal was giddier than a school girl who’d just won a hop scotch game.
Her escort for the night was some old timer. A little bald man with great big horn rimmed glasses. He was hunched over and leaned on his cane as he plopped a smooch on my landlady’s cheek.
“What a wonderful night, Susan,” the old man said.
“It doesn’t have to be over,” Ms. Tsang replied. “Come on in and I’ll get us a nightcap. Maybe we can even…”
And then Ms. Tsang spotted Delilah and I sitting around her kitchen table.
“Oh, Jake!” she said. “I didn’t see you there. Ernie, come meet my tenant.”
I stood up and walked over to the geriatric couple.
“Pleased to meet you,” Ernie said as he stretched out his hand.
I was madder than a hatter without a cup of tea. I smacked the geezer’s hand away and grabbed him by his shirt collar.
In retrospect, it probably wasn’t my best move. Old Ernie was about as frail as a bag of chalk.
“Say, what’s the big idea, bub?” I said. “This here’s a respectable woman and you’re trotting her out at all hours of the night like you’re some kind of Good Time Charlie.”
Ernie was befuddled. His face turned as red as a pack of wild strawberries.
“I…I don’t…I don’t know?”
Ms. Donnelly was taken aback and did her best to pretend like she wasn’t noticing the scene I was making.
“Jake!” Ms. Tsang hollered as she whacked me upside the head with her purse. “Let him go! He has a pacemaker!”
I did as instructed then turned my venom to Ms. Tsang.
“And you!” I said. “You’ve got a lot of nerve, young lady! I’ve been up all night worried sick and you don’t so much as call to tell me you’re ok. It’s a big city out there! You could have been kidnapped by perverts or sickos or communists or God knows who else…”
“You’re not my father, Jake!” Ms. Tsang shouted as she stomped her foot.
“I know I’m not!” I said. “Thank the maker he’s not around to see what a shameless hussy his daughter’s become!”
Oh boy. That last one cued up the water works. Tears poured out of the old gal’s eyeballs like they were a pair of busted faucets.
“Ernie you’d better go,” Ms. Tsang said as she hugged her companion. “I’ll call you tomorrow.”
“It’s ok,” Ernie said. “I’d better go make sure the orderlies at the old folks’ home aren’t stealing my stuff anyway. Last week my room mate stayed out past midnight and they sold his sleep apnea machine.”
The old man looked up at me. “It was nice to meet you.”
Yeah, I was confused too. I’d just roughed him up and he was being nice to me. I’m not sure all the bats were fluttering around in Ernie’s belfry. He probably wasn’t too sure of what was going on.
“Yeah yeah, whatever you say, Jack, just watch those hands. They’re busier than a child laborer at a sweat shop sewing machine.”
I slammed the door in Ernie’s face and looked at Ms. Tsang.
“I think you’d better go to your room and think about what you’ve done, young lady.”
“I hate you!” Ms. Tsang said as she walked out of the kitchen. “I wish you’d of never woken up!”
Ouch. That one broke my heart…the pieces of it that were left anyway.
I returned to my seat at the table across from a very bewildered Ms. Donnelly.
“Mr. Hatcher,” Delilah began. “I rarely ever inquire about the personal lives of my work colleagues, but after witnessing you scold an elderly woman as if she were a teenage girl I must say I’m curious to find out what just happened.”
Don’t worry 3.5 readers. Jake will EVENTUALLY talk about Back to the Future.
Copyright (c) 2015. Bookshelf Q. Battler. All Rights Reserved.
Images courtesy of a shutterstock.com license.
POP CULTURE MYSTERIES!
As we head into Fourth of July Weekend, it’s time to celebrate with another episode of…POP CULTURE MYSTERIES!
JAKE: If BQB posts the next episode of Pop Culture Mysteries and you’re not reading it, you’ll regret it. Maybe not today, maybe not tomorrow but soon…and for the rest of your life.
DAME: I doubt it. That nimrod only has 3.5 readers.
Jake Hatcher, Official Bookshelf Blog Private Eye, has agreed to solve 100 pop culture mysteries and submit his findings right here on bookshelfbattle.com
Need to refresh your memory? Better check out the previous episodes, see?
Pop Culture Mysteries: Enter the Blond
Pop Culture Mysteries: Case File #001: Here’s a Story (Question Answered – What happened to the original Brady Bunch spouses aka Mike’s first wife and Carol’s first husband?)
Pop Culture Mysteries: Case File #002 – Who Shot First? (Question Answered – Han or Greedo, who shot first?)
Who better to solve a mystery than Jake Hatcher, a hardboiled film noir style detective who fell asleep in his office above an LA Chinese food restaurant in 1955, woke up in 2014, and spent a year trying to figure out what happened before Bookshelf Q. Battler’s Attorney, the delicious dish Delilah K. Donnelly, offered him the chance to make 500 smackers? (That’s a lot of dough in 1955, see?)
Do you have a question about popular culture? Is there a plot hole in your favorite TV show or movie you’d like explained? Is there a celebrity meltdown you’d like to know more about? An entertainment myth debunked?
Put Hatcher on the case!
Here’s how to drop a dime:
SUBMIT YOUR POP CULTURE MYSTERY QUESTIONS TO:
TWITTER – @bookshelfbattle #popculturemysteries
BQB’s Google Plus Page
Or just leave it in the comments on bookshelfbattle.com
Together, we can help Hatcher solve 100 mysteries and go back to his own time with a big bag of five dollar bills, which he will use to live like a king.
In the next episode of Pop Culture Mysteries – How did Doc and Marty from Back to the Future know each other?
Copyright (c) Bookshelf Q. Battler 2015. All Rights Reserved.
Film noir style old timey man and woman photo courtesy of a shutterstock.com license
You Can’t Argue With Science: Why is there an extra “leap” second this year?
By: Dr. Hugo Von Science, Esteemed Professor of Science at the Advance Science Institute of Science University
Guten Tag, Herr 3.5 Readers!
Dr. Hugo Von Science here mit mein column, “You Can’t Argue With Science.”
Dr. Hugo Von Science
It really is futile, mein leipshin. Go on. Argue with a petri dish and see where it gets you. Nowhere, that’s where.
Perhaps you remember me from one of mein amazing inventions:
- The Duck Cannon – The most powerful firearm available for the purpose of launching water foul into orbit (or at your opponents). Not to be confused with:
- The “Duck! Cannon!” – A special monitor you can wear that will shout a warning for you to take cover whenever a cannon of any kind is fired at you. Also not to be confused with:
- The “Duck! Duck Cannon!” – Similar to the second invention, but it only warns you when the first invention is fired at you. Really mein leipshin, if you want a money saving tip, just buy the second one as it warns of all types of cannon fire, water foul or otherwise.
Undt last but not least:
- Das Zombiefier – Provide me with all the gold bullion in the world or I shall unleash an army of the undead on the masses and…woopsie! Mein bad, this one is classified.
Anyhoo, perhaps you’ve heard there is an extra second this year.
“Why is there an extra second, Dr. Hugo?”
Oh thank you, mein herrs undt frauleins, I thought you’d never ask.
I’ll try to dumb it down for you because I understand that not everyone is lucky enough to have the brain power necessary to be a distinguished professor at the Advanced Science Institute of Science University.
Let me break it down for you:
- The Earth. Perhaps you’ve heard of it? It is the big marble you live on. Please try to keep up.
- There are approximately 86,400 seconds in a day.
- One day = the time it takes the Earth to complete a rotation.
- The Earth’s rotation is what allows day and night to occur. Generally speaking, for part of the day, wherever you are is being exposed to the sun, and for the other part, your corner of the world is away from the sun and in the dark. (There are certain areas where more dark or more light occurs than usual.)
- Sometimes the Earth gets a little sluggish and takes a little longer to rotate, thus requiring an extra second.
- Sluggishness occurs for a variety of reasons, but mostly because some of your, not naming any names, need to cut back on the extra helpings of strudel (I’m looking at you 1.5th reader).
More importantly, you might be asking:
Dr. Hugo, what can I do with my extra leap second?
Frankly, mein leipshin, there’s literally only one meaningful thing you can do in a second, and that’s reblog, retweet, or otherwise share a link to one of your favorite posts on the blog of mein former student, the illustrious Bookshelf Q. Battler.
Why waste that extra second on foolish things like waxing your toenail clipping collection when you can help BQB achieve worldwide fame and fortune?
America, your extra leap second will come tonight (Tuesday) at 8 p.m. so go on, use that teensy weensy insignificant morsel of time to help make a nerd’s dream come true.
Be honest. You were just going to use it to post a picture of what you ate for dinner on Das Fazenbookzen anyway.
Nobody cares what you ate, Herr 3.5. Nobody cares.
Dr. Hugo Von Science is a Distinguished Professor of Science at the Advanced Science Institute of Science University. He has patented over a bazillion inventions and may or may not be attempting to conquer the world in his spare time. His column, “You Can’t Argue with Science” is a recurring feature on the Bookshelf Battle Blog.
Mad scientist photo courtesy of shutterstock.com
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