Tag Archives: self help

Nov 13 2016
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Stop Sucking With Vinny Baggadouchio

Stop Sucking with Vinny Baggadouchio – Stop Blaming Others and Own Your Suck

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World Renowned Motivational Speaker, Anti-Suck Book Author and Bookshelf Battle Blog Columnist, Vinny Baggadouchio

I’m Vinny Baggadouchio and I’m never going to stop spreading my advice to the sucky masses on how to stop sucking until the day comes when the world is entirely suck free.

Perhaps you recognize me from one of my anti-suck self-help books:

This Suck Isn’t Going to Unsuck Itself

Sucking Around the World in Eighty Days

The Suck Cure

Suck Wars: The Suck Awakens

How to Deal with Suckers Who Suck

Why Do I Suck?

Why Do You Suck?

Why Does Everyone Around Me Suck?

Will I Ever Not Suck?

3.5 suckers, here’s today’s request for anti-suck advice:

Dear Vinny B,

I try so hard not to suck but it is not my fault. Everyone around me is a giant suck bag and they keep dragging me into their suck. I’ll never stop sucking as long as I have to be around all these sucky suckers and suck in all of their suck all day.

Really. It’s not my fault. Their suck is sucking me in.

Sincerely,

Sucks in Cleveland

Yikes. That letter really sucks, Sucks in Cleveland.

To adapt a scene from The Godfather III, it’s like you’re Michael Corleone and you thought you did everything possible to remove yourself from a world that sucks and then something happens that sucks and your response is, “Just when I thought I was out of the suck, they pull me back into the suck.”

Look. I get it. People suck. And you live in a world where people suck. It feels like the suck is unavoidable. Frankly, it often isn’t.  So much suck comes right at you from every direction.

Second hand suck is very potent. If you’re not careful, sucky people can get their suck all over you and turn you into a big fat sucker.

But you can’t resign yourself to the inevitably of suck.  You have to deflect the suck.

STEP 1 – DEFLECT THE SUCK

Often, you can’t beat the suck but that doesn’t mean you have to join the suck.

EXAMPLE:

YOUR FRIENDS: Hey, want to shoot heroin and then knock over a liquor store and punch a nun in the face?

YOU: No thank you. All of those activities sound like they would suck and I would rather not suck.

See? You’ve sidestepped the suck.

Listen, it would be great if you could talk everyone around you into not sucking but often that isn’t possible. Their suck is too strong and suckers will never stop sucking until they are ready to not suck.

In other words, you can’t really hold down all those suckers in your life and force them to not suck, but you can be there to help them when they come to you seeking advice on how to not suck anymore.

Some people just need to hit that rock bottom of suck before they will see the not sucking light and make the long climb up that anti-suck ladder.

Becoming a non-sucker doesn’t happen overnight.

3.5 READERS: But Vinny, avoiding the suck isn’t always that easy or straightforward.

Oh don’t I know it.  Case in point:

YOU: Oh I think I will do a lot of things on my day off to prevent my life from sucking. I’m going to hit the gym and then buy some broccoli at the grocery store…

YOUR FRIEND AND/OR RELATIVE WHO SUCKS: No, I want you to sit around all day and watch TV and get fat off of pizza with me…

YOU:  No, I’m going to go to the gym and…

SUCKING PERSON: Ugh but I’ll be so depressed if you leave me.  Ugh stay and let’s do some hits of elephant tranquilizer.

YOU: How did you get elephant tranquilizer?

SUCKING PERSON: Bah, I know a guy at the zoo.

YOU: Well, I’m sorry but I don’t want to watch TV and get fat and take elephant tranquilizer.

SUCKING PERSON: Waah!  You must really hate me. Waaah.

YOU: No, no. I don’t want you to feel like you suck. OK I’ll skip the gym and the broccoli and stay here and eat pizza and take elephant tranquilizer with you.

WRONG!

Absolutely wrong.

Don’t get sucked into a sucky person’s suck web.

I’m not saying don’t get help for a sucky person.  If you’ve got a person in your life who sucks then do what you can to help them stop sucking, but there’s never a reason to join in on the suck.

You don’t want to become suckily codependent with someone.  That’s when two people get together and decide to suck and feed off of one another’s suck.  They make you suck. You make them suck. It’s just a vicious suck cycle where the suck never ends.

Thus, in the above case, you, as a person trying their best to not suck, should set a good example and try to talk to the sucker about ways to stop sucking. See if they’d be willing to talk to a professional who can help them kick their pizza, TV and elephant tranquilizer habits, but other than that, there’s no reason to suck yourself up by engaging yourself in the suck.

Don’t take elephant tranquilizer just to make an elephant tranquilizer addict happy.  And moreover, don’t do something that you know sucks just to avoid making a sucky person feel bad.

Now I get it.  Often the second hand suck doesn’t transfer itself that obviously.

YOU: I’m going to go to the gym and the broccoli store.

SUCKY PERSON: Eh, I need you to clean the house and do the dishes, mow the lawn, wash the cat, shine my shoes, whitewash the fence, cook a nice brisket, rub the bunions on my feet, polish the caulk in the bathroom with a toothbrush, pick all the lint out of the carpet with a pair of tweezers, trim my nose hairs, develop a cure for all diseases known to mankind and skip to the lou my darling…

YOU: Holy shit.  Are you going to do anything to help?

SUCKY PERSON: Nah, I’m going to sit here and watch TV and eat pizza and take elephant tranquilizer.

YOU: But I don’t want to do any of that.

SUCKY PERSON: That’s cool. Just do everything else because I’m too busy watching TV and eating pizza and taking elephant tranquilizer.

YOU: But if I’m always doing everything because you’re too busy watching TV and eating pizza and taking elephant tranquilizer then I’ll never have time to go to the gym and eat broccoli.

SUCKY PERSON: That’s a bitch.

Sucky people are like ninjas. They are very stealthy with their suck.  Sometimes they hit you right up front with the suck stick so you see it coming but other times they sneak the suck up on you and you don’t realize that they’ve even sucked you into their suck until you already suck.

So in that case you must…

STEP 2 – WORK AROUND THE SUCK

You’ve got a real sucker in your life and they’re constantly throwing piles of suck at you.

But you don’t want to kick that sucker to the curb because you feel like people who don’t suck should always keep trying to unsuck a sucker and I feel you.

There’s nothing wrong with being a non-sucker and still loving and/or caring about a person who sucks.

So if you feel like you can’t ditch this sucker, then work around this sucker.

Get up even earlier and go to the gym.  Stay up a little later so you can go to the broccoli store.

I know. That sucks. Like an acrobat, you’re constantly dodging suck and coming up with new and creative ways to turn suck into non suck but if you’re stuck in a situation that sucks then that’s all you can do. Just keep dodging that suck and keep finding ways to make yourself not suck.

Work around that suck.  You know the suck is coming.  Don’t let the suck keep ramming into you.  Do some fancy footwork and bypass the suck.

If you really can’t then yes, sadly…

STEP 3 – DITCH THE SUCK

Yes. I know.  That thought sucks. But if the suck is truly unavoidable, you may have to put some thought into ditching that sucker.

Only you know what your sucky situation is like and only you are aware of your personal level of suck tolerance.

You don’t necessarily even have to abandon a sucker completely. You might be able to lend a non-sucky ear and a non-sucky helping hand from time to time, but if you really feel as though a sucker is dragging you down into a suck vortex, then you’ve got to jump ship and start swimming to the suck free shoreline.

In other words…

STEP 4 – ALWAYS TAKE RESPONSIBILITY FOR YOUR SUCK

At the end of the day, life is about choices.  Some people face harder choices than others. Some people are put into sucky situations that others couldn’t possibly dream of.

But bottomline you can either sit around and suck and lament and complain about how you live a sucky life because you’re trapped by all the suckers around you or you can pull yourself up and decide that you are not going to suck and you are not going to let suckers make you suck.

I do realize that some people have more sucky suckers to deal with than others but when all is said and done, only you can decide to not do things that suck.

As always, thanks for listening, keep not sucking and don’t forget to buy my anti-suck books, now available at a book store near you that does not suck.

OBLIGATORY DISCLAIMER: Vinny Baggadouchio holds no credentials of any kind and nothing he says should be construed as advice that you should rely upon. If you suck, you should seek the help of trained professionals who can assist you in unsucking up your sucky life.

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Aug 17 2016
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Stop Sucking With Vinny Baggadouchio

Stop Sucking With Vinny Baggadouchio – Trapped in a Suck Rut

shutterstock_669906521World Renowned Motivational Speaker, Anti-Suck Book Author and Bookshelf Battle Blog Columnist, Vinny Baggadouchio

I’m Vinny Baggadouchio and I’m sucking all the suck out of the world in order to make it a suck-free place for a new generation of non-suckers.

Perhaps you recognize me from one of my fine anti-suck books:

You’re Once, Twice, Three Times a Sucker

I Once Was Sucked But Now I’m Found

Get Outta My Life and Into My Suck

The No-Suck Zone

Suck Warriors, Come Out to Play (But Don’t Come Out to Suck)

Mad Suck: Beyond Suckterdome

I Can’t Fight This Sucky Feeling Anymore

One Sucky Day at a Time

Non-Suckadoon: My Dream of a Suck-Free Utopia

Get Your Sucky Hands Off Me, You Damn Dirty Sucker!

A Low Down Dirty Suck

3.5 readers, if you suck, I want to know about it.

In fact, here’s a message I received from one of Bookshelf Q. Battler’s readers just the other day.

Dear Vinny,

I have been a giant, economy sized suck bucket my entire life.

However, I recently started reading your anti-suck books and I immediately developed a desire to suck the suck right out of my life and join the world again as a productive, non-sucking member of society.

Alas, I just can’t find the motivation.  I have sucked since Hillary Clinton was basically the president the first go around. We all know Bill was her unwitting pawn.

That’s a long time to suck and I just can’t wrap my mind around the possibility that there’s a suck free existence out there waiting for me.

Even though I don’t want to suck anymore, I can’t stop sucking. Every morning, I wake up, fully intending to cease my sucky habits, but sure enough, by noon time, I’m sucking up a storm.

What should I do? I don’t want to suck anymore!

Sincerely,

Trapped in a Suck Rut

Wow Trapped. I’m sorry to hear about your situation. That really sucks.

And honestly, I understand. Rome wasn’t built in a day and one simply doesn’t stop sucking overnight either.

You’ve been a sucker for decades.  That’s a whole lot of suck to shake off.

I have three important words for you:

STOP…SUCKING…GRADUALLY!

I’m a very inspirational anti-suck advocate.  What can I say? It’s a gift.

But what happens is someone reads one of my anti-suck books and instantly they want to purge all the suckyness out of their system pronto.

Can’t be done.  Your body feeds off the suck now.  The suck is in your blood.

Thus, if you try to quit all your sucky activities all at once, you’ll be back to sucking in no time flat.  You’ll go into suck withdrawal and end up sucking far worse than you did before, you big dumb sucker you.

What you need to do is pick one sucky activity, drop that, and then once you feel like you no longer need to perform that sucky action anymore, you can move on to dropping the next sucky activity.

EXAMPLE:

I had a client once who:

Cheated on his wife by having sex with other men’s wives.

Cheated on his dog by petting other men’s dogs.

Cheated on his cat by petting every other cat in the neighborhood but his own cat.

Picked his nose at work and planted the boogers underneath his co-worker’s desk.

Tore tags off of his pillows and mattresses and set the tags on fire.

Spent all his free time writing Firefly fan fiction.

Posted his dumb opinions about the quality of his lunch on social media.

Farted in public with reckless abandon. Also posted about it on social media.

So, I was just all like, “Look, Client.  You need to pick one of these sucky behaviors and drop it today.”

And I’m proud to say he did.

My client no longer writes Firefly fan fiction.

He still does all of that other sucktastic nonsense, but he’s been Firefly fan fiction free for a hundred days and counting.

I think he might just kick the Firefly fan fiction habit entirely.

In fact, when he’s up to two hundred days, I’m going to suggest that he start flicking his boogers into a trash can.

He can do it and I’m confident by the end of next year, I’ll get him to stop talking about his lunch and/or farts on social media.

We’ll get him to be loyal to his wife, dog and cat by the end of the decade.

De-sucking yourself is a slow, gradual process, Trapped.

But think about it this way: you didn’t suck yourself overnight, so you certainly won’t fully de-suckify yourself overnight either.

Be patient. All good things come to those who wait to not suck.

And while you’re waiting to not suck, don’t forget to check out my anti-suck books, available now at a bookstore near you that doesn’t suck.

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May 27 2016
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Stop Sucking With Vinny Baggadouchio

Stop Sucking With Vinny Baggadouchio – Why Does My Writing Suck?

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World Renowned Motivational Speaker, Anti-Suck Book Author and Bookshelf Battle Blog Columnist, Vinny Baggadouchio

Hello 3.5 Suckers.

I’m motivational speaker Vinny Baggadouchio and I won’t rest until everyone and everything in the entire world is one hundred percent suck free.

Is a suck free world a lofty, unattainable goal? Maybe. But if we can’t hold out hope for a suckless tomorrow, then why bother trying not to suck today?

If you’re tired of being an economy sized suck face, check out one of my many anti-suck books:

Journey to the Valley of the Suck

Desuckify Now! Ask Me How.

50 Ways to Stop Sucking

A Long Day’s Journey into Not Sucking

I Used to Suck But Now I Don’t

I Sucked but Now I’m Free

How to Spot a Sucker at 50 Paces

A Suckface Says, ‘What?’

The Sucktastic Voyage

Zen and the Art of Sucklessness

Bookshelf Q. Battler tells me this is a blog where writers are free to drop in and discuss ways to improve their writing skills.

As the world’s foremost anti-suck coach, I have counseled many writers on how to perfect their craft and stop writing in such a sucky manner.

MY FORMER WRITER CLIENTS AND HOW I HELPED THEM TO NOT SUCK:

Steven King – In the first draft of Carrie, Carrie and the school bullies learn to resolve their differences over cookies and milk. Carrie’s mother is so moved by this that she seeks professional psychiatric help and vows to become a better, less abusive mother.

I got up in Stevie’s grill and was all like, “Throw a bucket of pig’s blood on your protagonist and get the party started!”

RESULT: Steve’s book sales did not suck at all.

Suzanne Collins – Suzanne originally set out to have Katniss and friends compete in a friendly game of checkers of in order to determine who got to eat the last chocolate chip cookie.

My advice? Add in an evil dictator, give Katniss a bow and arrow and instead of checkers, make all the kids fight to the death.

RESULT: Four part movie deal.  Boo-yah!

GEORGE R.R. Martin – GRRM’s had a vision of a fantasy world where a mere three characters agreed to disagree in a polite manner and followed all the rules while resolving their differences.

“Georgie Boy,” I said. “Try 9,072 main protagonists. Add in lots of backstabbing, violence, betrayal and gratuitous boobs.  Dragons and more dragons. Make a slave girl march across a fantasy continent for like 20 years while she gets set on fire all the time and shows everyone her jugs. Oh, and be sure to make everyone think the good guy is about to win and then boom, he doesn’t.  Also be sure to explain who the bad guy ended up becoming the bad guy so people have no clue how to feel about anything.  Finally, throw in a brother and sister who do it and their doing it destroys all peace and stability in the realm.”

RESULT: George is one rich ass nerd.

DISCLAIMER: Mr. Baggadouchio may or may not have made up the above mentioned anecdotes but in all likelihood he probably did.

So, you want your writing to not suck?

Here are my steps to Desuckifying Your Writing

  1. Write and Read More
  2. Rewrite
  3. Seek Help
  4. Don’t Be So Hard On Yourself

Climb aboard the anti-suck train as we go through these steps one by one:

  1. Write and Read More

If you’re reading this, chances are English is your first language. It could be your second. If you’re new to the English language and this blog is one your first experiences with the English tongue, my condolences, and allow me to recommend this cat named William Shakespeare. That dude’s book sales are legendary. Some very not-sucky numbers.

You might think you know all there is to know about the English language but you don’t. Some know more than others but overall, even the experts are learning new rules every day.  It is difficult to master them all.

To complicate matters, there will always be rules where experts disagree.

The more you write, the better your writing will become.  You didn’t learn how to ride a bike without wiping out a few times and you won’t learn how to write churning out a few sucky turd nuggets on paper either.

Can you learn how to ride a bike by watching someone else ride? It does help.  Thus, you may not realize it at the time, but when you read a book, you learn how another author has handled a scene, dialogue, or other predicament.

Will practice make perfect? Perfection is in the eye of the beholder, but I can tell you that practice will make you suck less.

2.  Rewrite

Rome wasn’t built in a day and your novel won’t be either.  After you write it, you’ll need to rewrite it.

You didn’t know who your characters were when you started. Now you do. You have had time to think about it and you realize certain details need to be added in the beginning. Perhaps a scene isn’t working. Maybe a sentence is clunky.

A good rewrite will knock the suck right out of your book.

Think of your book like a steak.  Sure, you could plop a piece of meat on a plate and serve it up to your guest.  They’ll eat it.  They’ll go away with a full tummy.  They might be left with the notion that you’re a sucky cook due to your poor presentation.

But take that same steak, drop a sprig of parsley next to it, garnish it with some garlic salt and smother it with a nice creamy bearnaise and your guest will be singing your praises.

3.  Seek Help

Your book is like your child. You’re too close to it.  You’ve tried your best but you can’t identify every way it sucks.

Sometimes this is because you’ve grown so used to the suck you can’t tell the suck from the non-suck.

Other times this is because what you believe to not suck does, in fact, suck.

There are editors out there who can help you desuckify your book.

They won’t be cheap and you need to be careful.  Shop around.  Seek recommendations from authors whose books you like.  Do your homework.

But just as a good counselor will be able to analyze your kid and tell you all the ways you can help that kid to stop being such a giant suck bag, so can a good editor check out your book and advise you how to suck the suck right out of that draft.

Remember – once you click the publish button on Amazon, the eyes of the world (well at least the people who come across it) will be on your book.

You want to make a good impression. You want to do all you can to make it so your book does not suck.

4.  Don’t Be So Hard on Yourself

Unfortunately, I’ve a very busy anti-suck coach so I can’t advise you all on a one on one basis.

Some of you may believe that your writing sucks and you may very well be right. You could be correct in assuming that a drunk blindfolded llama with a pen stuck in its mouth could write a better novel than you.

Then again, some of you may be so wary of the need to not suck that you have mistakenly convinced yourself that your writing sucks when it actually does not suck.

Is your novel idea too far fetched?  Maybe.  Is it so far fetched that it sucks? Possibly.

But consider that the most popular show on television today features a drunken dwarf advising a dragon queen how to conquer a land being fought over by bastards, incestuous families, and ice zombies.

Yes Game of Thrones is on HBO, the same network that aired True Blood, a show about vampires who just humped and made funny quips all the time.

Does your farfetched idea suck? Maybe. But if you can honestly visualize it being turned into a show in the HBO lineup, then maybe its just the right kind of suck that people will love.

People, do you realize that for years now, a series of films about a man in an iron suit working with a green rage monster, a Norse God and a well-preserved World War II hero have been the most bankable box office busting flicks?

Let me share a piece of advice that entertainment insiders don’t want you to know:

Most book/movie ideas suck!!!

Do you know what is realistic?

Real life.  You wake up.  You poop. Brush your teeth. Take a shower. Eat a bagel. Go to work. Deal with assholes all day. Come home. Wash your laundry. Watch TV. Go to bed.

REPEAT THAT SHITTY SUCK FEST FOR 60 YEARS!!!

No one wants to read realism in a book.  No one wants to see realism in a movie.

Do outrageously farfetched ideas suck?

In theory, yes.

But they’re a special kind of suck that, if discovered by enough people, could put some fat stacks in your bank account.

CONCLUSIONS

That’s all the desuckification advice I have for you today, 3.5 suckers.

Stop sucking around. Grab your laptop, start clacking your keys and get to work on desuckifying your writing career.

If you still need help, you can always pick up a copy of my book, Suck Free Writing: A Guide for Beginners Who Really Suck at a bookstore that doesn’t suck.

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Apr 24 2016
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Stop Sucking With Vinny Baggadouchio

Stop Sucking With Vinny Baggadouchio, Motivational Speaker – Why Does My Marriage Suck?

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World Renowned Motivational Speaker, Anti-Suck Book Author and Bookshelf Battle Blog Columnist, Vinny Baggadouchio

Hello 3.5 Suckers.

I’m Vinny Baggadouchio and I am on a mission to rid the world of suck. Every night before I go to bed, I imagine the planet as one great big orange in the palm of my hand that I am squeezing and squeezing until every last drop of suck has been wrung out of it.

That’s how much I hate it when things suck.

If you didn’t suck at reading so much, you could learn how to not suck with one of my self-help anti-suck books:

  • Sucking Suckers and the Suckfaces Who Love Them
  • Journey to the Center of Your Inner Suck
  • Stop Sucking in Thirty Days
  • Five Things You Can Do Right Now to Reduce Your Suck Levels By Ten Percent
  • Whoosh Goes the Sound of Your Released Suck

Of course, if you suck so much that you can’t even afford one of my anti-suck books, then you can get some free advice on how to not suck right here on the Bookshelf Battle Blog.

(Although let’s face it, if you’re reading this mess, you probably suck.)

Sucky people from all over the world are constantly sending me letters, begging me to solve their sucky problems.

People trapped in a marriage that sucks is a common issue faced by suckers.  In fact, here’s one letter I received in my bag of fan suck mail just the other day:

Dear Vinny B,

My marriage sucks.  Is it because I suck?  Is it because my husband sucks? Do we both suck? Do we just suck together?

Please explain why my marriage sucks so bad and what I can do to make it so that it does not suck anymore.

Sincerely,

A Lady Whose Marriage Sucks

I’m sorry to hear that your marriage sucks, Lade Whose Marriage Sucks, but despite being an obvious sucker, you have inadvertently identified the top four explanations as to why a marriage sucks:

  1. You suck.
  2. Your spouse sucks.
  3. Both of you suck.
  4. Together, you suck.

Let’s go through each one.

Marriage Suck Question # 1 – Do You Suck?

As I always say, if you actually have to ask if you suck, then you suck.  And if you suck, then you could very well be the sucky monkey wrench that’s stopping up the gears of your marriage machine.

Here is a non-exhaustive list of some things that you, as a person who sucks, could be doing to suckify your marriage:

  • Farting – No one likes to be reminded that their mate has bowels.  Stop sucking all the good air in the room up your butt and let it rip outside for a change.
  • Cheating – Your word is your bond and only people who suck go back on a promise. If you’re getting a little something something on the side, then you suck.  Sure, an affair may seem like fun, but it is really just you putting a temporary patch on the gaping hole of your inner suck. Sooner or later your sucky flood gates will open and you’ll spill your suck all over the place and the world will finally know just how much you suck.
  • Gambling – It sucks when you put your spouse in the position of having to pawn his/her possessions because you can’t stop playing poker, betting on the ponies, or getting taken in by that dude with the three card monty table. People who suck at everything should never gamble as this is a surefire way to lose money due to your sucky abilities.
  • Letting Yourself Go – Do your looks suck? Sure, you may think that you have landed a honey so you might as well put some extra cheese on your taco, but all that cheese adds up…to a big pile of butt suck.  True, time does a number on our ability to not physically suck, but you don’t need to help the process along.
  • Depression – You suck so badly that you’ve lost the ability to get joy out of life. That is completely normal for a person who sucks.  Frankly, you suck so much I’d almost worry there was something wrong with you if you weren’t depressed about it.  But keep in mind that second hand suck is real and that your suck particles can fly through the air and latch onto your spouse like so many invisible suck barnacles.  Please don’t hurt yourself or others just because you suck.  You’d just be letting the suck in.  Instead, seek the advice of a trained medical professional on how to cope with and overcome your depression.  You’re not the first person to suck and you won’t be the last. So look yourself in the mirror, forgive yourself for sucking, and learn to move on.  If your spouse doesn’t suck, he or she will be there for you to lean on as you make the journey to a suck free life.

Marriage Suck Reason #2 – Does My Spouse Suck?

So you’re absolutely sure that you don’t suck and in fact, it is your spouse who sucks.

This is quite possible and here is a non-exhaustive list of things that you, as a person who does not suck, should not have to put up with from a spouse who sucks:

  • Cheating, farting, gambling (as discussed above) – But seriously, be a spouse who doesn’t suck and help your spouse overcome his/her depression.
  • Alcoholism/Substance Abuse –  Addictions suck, not just for the addicted but they can also drag a non-sucking person down into the depths of sucky depravity.  Perhaps as a person who does not suck, you can be a good role model for your spouse and help them get on the path to quitting an addiction that sucks. Alas, if your spouse is too far gone, you may have to make a sucky decision to move on.
  • Abusive Behavior – Even the greatest, least sucky marriages, fights in which unkind sucky words are exchanged are bound to happen. But if they’re happening daily and your spouse is using you as a verbal punching bag, you shouldn’t have to put up with that.  Heck, even a person who sucks shouldn’t have to be told constantly by their spouse that they suck. That’s what reputable anti-suck coaches like me are for.  Needless to say, whether you suck or not, you should never have to be a spouse’s physical punching bag either.
  • Being Sold to Foreign Businessmen – I don’t care how flattered you are by the high price you fetched in the underground sex slave auction your spouse signed you up for against your will, you should never have to put up with being sold as an international sex slave.  That just plain sucks.

Marriage Suck Reason #3 – Are We Both Sucky People?

This is entirely possible.  One of you could be an alcoholic farter while the other is a fat abusive gambler.  Perhaps you are both no-good cheaters who are constantly trying to sell the other into a life of international sex slavery.

In this case, you both suck.  Could you both make a pact to help each other mend your sucky ways? Perhaps…but as long as you both keep making excuses for your sucky behaviors, you’ll continue to drag your marriage down the suck hole.  If you’re both determined to suck things up forever, then you may have to consider going your separate ways so at least you can only suck up your own lives.

Marriage Suck Reason # 4 – Are We Non-Sucking People Who Just Suck Together?

Ahh, this is perhaps the saddest scenario in which a marriage sucks.

On your own, neither of you suck, but together, you suck like a Roomba stuck on autopilot.

Here’s an example:

You’re both alcoholics who have kicked your addiction long ago.  On your own, neither of you sucks at not drinking anymore. Alas, when you’re together, you become drinking buddies who party hearty.  It is a lot of fun at first, but without one non-sucker to flip the party switch off, things will eventually start to suck.

Yes, it is possible that the two of you suffer from any kind of addiction (from shopping to ice cream) and without one person to say enough is enough, then the two of you could end up in a suck spiral.

There’s also the potential of personality clash.  You’re a nerd who likes comic books.  She’s a supermodel who likes purse dogs. On your own, you both have your good, non-sucky qualities, but together, you have nothing to talk about or bond over and therefore, your conversations will suck.

Conclusion

ATTORNEY DONNELLY DISCLAIMER:

Vinny B. has no official credentials of any kind and therefore is not qualified in any way, shape or form to advise you about your marriage, your problems with depression or any problems you have whatsoever. If you suffer from these or any other problems, seek the advice of a real, trained professional and DO NOT rely on statements made by a dumb blog like this one.

Yes.  That disclaimer is true. Obviously, if you honestly believe that your marriage sucks, then only you can help you figure out what is the best thing to do.  Don’t rely on me.  Seek professional help.  Don’t be a dumb sucker who relies on dumb blogs.

Also, and I can’t stress this enough, please stop trying to sell your spouse into a life of international sex slavery.  Liam Neeson is only an actor and he won’t be able to save your spouse the way he did his fictional daughter in Taken.

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Apr 22 2016
3 Comments
Stop Sucking With Vinny Baggadouchio

Stop Sucking with Vinny Baggadouchio, Motivational Speaker – When Should I Stop Sucking?

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Motivational Speaker and World Renowned Anti-Suck Book Author, Vinny Baggadouchio

Hello 3.5 suckers.

I’m motivational speaker Vinny Baggadouchio and my four step process to help people stop sucking is taking the world by storm. I’ve helped thousands of people abandon their sucky ways. From lowly peons to powerful heads of state, I’ve invigorated and renewed people’s lives by helping them locate better versions of themselves.

Versions that don’t suck.

Have you read one of my many anti-sucking self-help books yet?

Only You Have the Power to Not Suck

A Million Pieces of Suck

Suck Once, Shame On You. Suck Twice? You Really Suck

One Flew Over the Suck Nest

Are You There God? It’s Me, a Person Who Sucks.

Pick one of these fine books up at a bookstore that does not suck. You’ll be glad you did, because you’ll be that much closer to not sucking anymore.

And boy, do you suck.

You know, as an anti-sucking coach, I have people who suck coming up to me all the time asking me questions about how they can get themselves on the path to not sucking anymore.

 

Here’s a question that was posed to me by a young sucky person who recently attended one of my anti-sucking seminars:

Hi Vinny B. I’m a young person and I totally suck. But I have plenty of time to suck, right? I can just suck and suck for years and years before I finally reach that point of rock bottom suckage and decide to embrace the suck free life style that you endorse, right?

– A Young Person Who Sucks

WRONG!

What’s wrong with you? Only a person who sucks would think that way.

Look, sucky young people. You need to do your best to not suck straight out of the gate.

Why?

A) None of us have any idea how much time we have. Sure, statistically, you likely have many years ahead of you.  But none of us really have any guarantee of a long life.  People who suck tend to do dumb, sucky things that shorten their lives exponentially. Start not-sucking as a youngster and your chances of not sucking for the rest of your life or not shortening your life by doing some dumb thing that only a person who sucks would do increase dramatically.

B) It is very easy for a young person who sucks to get stuck in a rut. Sure, it seems harmless now.  You’re 21 and you suck.  Plenty of time to turn it around, right? WRONG! Before you know it you’ll be 30 and everyone knows how hard it is to turn a sucktastic life around after 30.

Vinny B, why is it hard to turn a sucktastic life around after 30?

I’m glad you asked, young sucky person.

The younger you are, the more you benefit from the proverbial “benefit of the doubt.”

There is a magical dividing line between 29 and 30.

29 and single?  You’re a free spirit.

30 and single?  There’s something wrong with you. You are automatically suspected to be a) gay b) a psychopath or c) a gay psychopath.

29 and unemployed? You’re still a free spirit.

30 and employed in a dead end job? You are a loser who has failed anyone and everyone who ever loved you.

So take full advantage of that benefit of the doubt today, young folks. Because before you know it, you’ll be 30, and once you’ve been roaming the earth for thirty years, people won’t be too shy to tell you that you suck anymore.

Now, everyone has problems that suck, even the elderly. Here’s a question an old sucky fart asked me at another one of my anti-suck seminars:

Vinny B, I’m incredibly old and I have sucked my entire life. It is too late for me to not suck anymore, right? I should just embrace my last few sucky years as a sucky person and not kid myself that I could somehow not suck anymore.

– An Old Person Who Sucks

Listen Old Person Who Sucks, I’m not going to pee on your leg and tell you that it doesn’t suck when that happens.

You’ve been around the suck block for too long to be fooled by false promises of non-suckitude.

I’ll be straight with you. Yes, as an old person who sucks, it is a tall order for you to put an end to the sucky ways you are set in after years and years of sucking.

But I truly believe that it is a sin for anyone to croak without at least experiencing one single, solitary day of being a person who doesn’t suck.

So if you’re willing to roll up your sleeves, put in the work, and most importantly, buy my entire collection of anti-suck books at a book store that doesn’t suck near you, then you will be pleased as punch when you wake up one day and find that you are the least sucky person in your entire assisted living facility.

There you have it, folks.  You’re never too young to start not-sucking and you’re never too old to stop sucking.

Do you have any questions about how to not suck anymore?

Post them in the comments. And remember, if you have to ask if you suck, then you suck.

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Apr 16 2016
7 Comments
Stop Sucking With Vinny Baggadouchio

Stop Sucking With Vinny Baggadouchio, Motivational Speaker

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The Bookshelf Battle Blog’s new columnist, Vinny Baggadouchio, will educate BQB’s 3.5 readers on the finer points of a suck free lifestyle.

Hello 3.5 readers.  I’m motivational speaker Vinny Baggadouchio and I’m here to inform you of a cold, hard fact:

You suck.

That’s right.  You suck and had you bothered to pick up one of my many self-help books such as…

How to Stop Sucking

You Too Can Not Suck

Stop Sucking in Thirty Days

The 7 Habits of People Who Don’t Suck

Knock Knock.  Who’s There? You…and You Suck!

Welcome to Sucksville.  Population: You

And of course, my hottest bestseller:

One Suck, Two Suck, Who Sucks? You Suck.

…then you’d be aware that you suck right now.

Yup.  I used to be a big old suckbag like you until I discovered the power of not sucking and with my new column right here on the Bookshelf Battle Blog, I’m ready to share the secrets of a suck free life with you.

Look at me, 3.5 readers.  My life does not suck.

Hot babes?  You better believe I’ve got ’em.

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Vinny B gets all the hot chicks.  You could too if you didn’t suck so much, you fat sucker you.

Money? Holy shit. I’ve got enough cash to choke a horse.

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Vinny B makes it rain and you could too if only you would stop being such a giant suck face.

Foxy females. Fat stacks of cash. As a genuine, bonafide non-sucking person, I’ve got a fantastic life. It doesn’t suck it all.

But you know what 3.5 readers?  I’m going to let you in on a little secret:

My life used to suck as bad as yours.

It really did.  I used to suck as bad as you do right now.

Life sure can suck, can’t it? You have all these hopes and dreams but when things don’t go your way and they start to suck, it’s almost impossible to avoid giving it all up to live the life of a sucker.

That’s what I did. Like you, I used to park my fat ass on my sofa and read columns published on sucktastic blogs that only had audiences of 3.5 readers or less.

When I was done reading sucky blogs, I’d suck a gallon of Haagen-Das ice cream down my throat while petting a flatulent llhaso apso named Tilly until four a.m. while watching Kung-Fu movies and dreaming of a non-sucking life that seemed so far, far away.

Holy shit, Vinny B. That sounds like it really sucks.

It did. It really did.  But do you want to know how I stopped sucking so much?

Yes please tell us.

One day, I hit the rock bottom of suckitude.  My wife left me for a man who didn’t suck. My kids called that guy dad because they were tired of having a sucky father.  Shit, even my miniature dog left me to find another owner who didn’t suck because that furry little son of a bitch got depressed as hell just being around me because I sucked so much.

But just then, when I was at my lowest point of suckosity, feeling crushed under the weight of my collective suckyness, I proudly stood up, chucked the ice cream in the trash, turned off the Kung-Fu movie marathon and shouted, “I WILL NOT SUCK FOR ONE DAY LONGER!”

Say it with me, 3.5 readers!

WE WILL NOT SUCK FOR ONE DAY LONGER!

God damn it!  Say it like you mean it!  Say it like people who do not suck!

WE WILL NOT SUCK FOR ONE DAY LONGER!

Holy shit! I actually believed you all that time. You convinced me that you don’t want to suck any more.

Don’t get me wrong. You still suck. I mean, look at yourselves, all covered with potato chip crumbs and running up your credit cards on action figures that you never take out of the box because you’ve convinced yourself that just hanging onto them makes you an interesting person.

Stop it!  You are not interesting! You suck!

You suck but you’re also in luck, for at the Vinny Baggadouchio Institute to Get People to Stop Sucking, I have perfected a four-step process to get people off the suck train and into the non-suck fast lane.

STEP 1 – Admit That You Suck

Everyone knows that you suck. But you know what people who don’t suck do? They don’t provide unsolicited opinions about people’s levels of suckitude. They’ll never tell you to your face that you suck and you’d never believe them anyway because people who suck are always oblivious to the many, many ways in which they suck.

So the first thing you have to do is stop dipping that nacho into that vat of Cheez Whiz, squirt the B.O. off yourself with a little spritz of deodorant, then look yourself in the mirror and shout to the heavens, “I SUCK!”

WE SUCK!

Yes you do.  James Dyson is the inventor of the Dyson line of vacuum cleaners, powerful machines that basically double as mighty hand held wind tunnels capable of sucking up a spec of dirt at fifty paces and transporting it to another dimension.

If you could open up his brain and scoop out the most elaborate sucking invention that he’s yet to develop because it requires the discovery of some strange new alien power source to amplify its suckery…

…you would still suck more than that machine.

And you need to admit that you suck that badly.  Only by admitting that you suck can you begin to trod the path of the non-sucky.

STEP 2 – Identify Why You Suck

There are so many reasons why you could possibly suck.  Every sucky person is like a special sucktabulous snowflake.  No two suckholes are alike.

But based on the real life stories of some of the suckos I’ve brought back from the brink of sucking, here are some of the most common reasons why people suck:

  • You’re that sucker who has convinced himself that spending his entire paycheck on lottery tickets is “an investment.”  YOU SUCK!
  • You are that suck face who still lives with your grandma because you have convinced yourself that you could move out any time if you wanted to but you’re just too good of a grandson to abandon her.  Shut up. Your grandmother hates your guts and prays to Jesus every night that one day you will leave her in peace so that she can just have one moment to touch herself to Dick Van Dyke’s masculine tour de force on Diagnosis Murder before she dies of embarrassment of how badly her grandson sucks.  YOU SUCK!
  • You’ve given up on finding a relationship and instead have bonded with a pillow you drew a face on. Well, I admire your initiative to make a silk purse out of a sow’s ear but even so…YOU SUCK!
  • You are an adult and you spend ridiculous amounts of time criticizing Hollywood executives for failing to live up to the standards you have for movies about your favorite comic book characters without ever realizing that you’re not the target demographic…BECAUSE MOVIES ABOUT JACKASSES IN TIGHTS AND CAPES ARE MEANT FOR CHILDREN AND YES, BOOKSHELF Q. BATTLER, YOU SUCK!

You need to find that kernel of suck that is making your life suck and isolate it before it sucks up your life any more you big bag of suck.

STEP 3 – Develop a Plan to Stop Sucking

It’s not enough to figure out why you suck. You need to also determine how it will be possible for you to not suck anymore.

Suggestions:

  • Stop pining over your sucky ex-boyfriend or girlfriend. Did they leave you because they sucked? Then good riddance. No one wants to be around sucky people because it’s too easy to catch their second hand suck. Did they leave you because you suck? Oh well.  You live and learn…to not suck. There’s no use crying over spilled suck so decide you won’t suck any more and when you’re no longer a sucker, you’ll land a ton of hot ass babes like me, Vinny B.
  • Stop chain smoking, binge eating, compulsive gambling, habitual shopping, prostitute fraternizing, getting spanked by women in furry animal costumes, farting on midgets or whatever other depraved suckfest you’re into.  If you have to ask if the activity that you are into sucks, then it sucks. Stop doing things that make you suck.
  • Tune out the suck filled world for an hour a day and take a walk to contemplate how to navigate your way around the obstacles in your life that make you feel like you want to suck.
  • Say goodbye to people who suck.  Otherwise, it is too easy to succumb to peer suck pressure.
  • Meditate and repeat a mantra such as, “Ommm…ommm…I will not suck…ommm…”
  • Leave post-it notes around your house, in your car and on your desk to remind yourself not to suck. Life moves at a rapid pace, after all, and if we don’t leave ourselves visual cues to not suck, then it is too easy to forget to not suck and revert back to our reflexive, default sucky natures.

STEP 4 – Don’t Suck Anymore

You have admitted that you suck.

You have figured out why you suck.

You have developed a plan to stop sucking.

Now, the fourth and final step. Follow that plan to the letter and refuse to suck anymore.

Believe me.  It isn’t easy.

Inside your mind there is a little negative suck bag voice crying out for you to suck.

EXAMPLES:

  • You know that extra slice of pizza will make your butt grow bigger than a barcalounger, but that suck voice in your head tells you to eat it anyway. Don’t do it. You’ll suck.
  • You know that unclean person you just met in the bar is going to give you herpes with a capital H. Don’t go home with said person anyway. Herpes suck.
  • The idea to buy some ridiculously expensive piece of crap that you’ll never use pops into your head. Ignore it. You don’t need it. High credit card bills suck.

IN CLOSING

I’m Vinny Baggadouchio and it pains me to see so many sucky suckbags in the world. You don’t need to suck for one more day and if you follow my advice, you’ll never suck again.

And don’t forget, my series of anti-suck self-help books are available in one collection for the low, low price of $99.99 wherever books that don’t suck are sold.

Buy them all today or else…you suck!

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Mar 30 2015
9 Comments
BQB Gets Philosophical

Storming the Castle of Success

Nothing in my life has ever been easy.

At times, I get down about that.

Imagine success is a castle.  For some people, the drawbridge just opens and in they go.  They are welcomed with rainbows, unicorns, leprechauns, fuzzy bunny rabbits, and juggling clowns.  Nice clowns, not scary ones.  The ones who make you balloon animals.

I’m not knocking them.  I’m sure they’re good people.  I’m sure they were all qualified for entry into the castle.  Even if they’re not, I believe success is something that everyone should have.  Them being less successful does not cause me to become more successful, so there’s no point to being displeased with them.  I just wish them a happy journey and tell them to say hi to the leprechauns for me.

Then there’s me.  When I knock on the door to the Castle of Success, out come the orcs, the dragons, the flame sword wielding dark knights, the zombies, the bow men, the pike men, the pointy stick men, the pots of boiling oil and the catapults.

Bodiam Castle, East Sussex, England, 11 October 2005

As I stare out in the sea of evil that stands between me and the Castle of Success, I can’t help but think, “What is wrong with me?”

And then the questions pour in:

“Where did I go wrong?”

“What could I have done differently?”

“Was there a point in my life where I was blind?  Did I miss a nice, clear path to success?  One that did not involve orcs, dragons, et al?  What mistake did I make to cause me to veer from this path?”

“Look at all these damn orcs, dragons, monsters, and so on.  Is it too much?  Should I just give up and walk away?”

“Surely, as tough as things are, there are many people who have it worse than I do.  They wish they had a chance to fight the orcs, the dragons, the monsters, et al.  They’re still stuck in the countryside, wishing they were in the general vicinity of the Castle of Success.”

Inside the Castle of Success, there is a book I have written.

I miss the days when I was young and able to stay up 48 hours straight writing term papers fueled by nothing but Monster Energy Drinks and feel fine.  Doing that today would leave me feeling like I got hit by a Mac Truck.

There’s no more “I’ll leave it till the last minute then stay up all night.”  There’s only “be responsible and do a little bit every day.”

The burdens of life settle in.  The Castle of Success is right there within walking distance.  The orcs and dragons are waiting to fight me.  They’re getting impatient, checking their watches and wondering if they should just give up.  Maybe I’ll never manage to take them on.

I could stop and lie down.  This spot on the grass seems comfy.  Yes, I could fight the orcs and win, or I could become an orc’s lunch and end up losing my nice comfy spot on the grass.  Decisions, decisions.

One orc gives up and cracks open a book.  Another watches “The Walking Dead Orcs” on his Orc-Pad.

I hate Orcs.  More than Yetis.

And so I sit down and wait.  And I stare at the orcs, dragons, knights with fire swords, zombies, bow men, hot oil droppers, etc etc and I wonder if things will ever click in my life so that I can find a way to take them all on…i.e. a strategy for working on a book in small increments every day that will eventually pay off.

I get up one morning and decide “Today is the day I’ll work hard on my book.”  By nightfall, 500 unexpected occurrences happen that draw my attention away from anything having remotely to do with writing.

And then when I do get a chance to write…I criticize myself like I’m a super-charged Robert Ebert.

Will I ever get over my perfectionism?  Will I ever realize that not every TV, movie, book, piece of entertainment is 100 percent perfect?  That I just need to get my ideas on paper the best I can, get them proofread, edited, into a book, and then swing for the fences?

I look to my left and my right.  People are just strolling all carefree into their respective Castles of Success.  Part of me assumes everything is so easy for them.  Another part, a better part, reminds me that inside every person is a battle we know nothing about – that inside people who seem to have it all together there might, in fact, be a struggle we’ve never seen, nor do we want to.

Maybe it only looks like they’re being greeted by leprechauns and bunnies.  Maybe the leprechauns are crazy.  Maybe the bunnies have sharp teeth.  We only see successful people in the best possible light.  We have no idea what they went through.  We shouldn’t bash them.  Bringing other people down will never raise us up.  “I’m doing so poorly because others are doing so well” is an illogical fallacy.

I need to disregard them.  Whether its easy for them or not is not my concern.  My concern is the fact that every accomplishment I’ve ever made has not come easy.  It has come by fighting orcs, dragons, and zombies for what I do have.

Knowledge is power and knowing that the orcs and dragons must be fought to reach the Castle makes me stronger.  I must stop lamenting my lot in life, quit playing the “woe is me game,” and stop hoping that the Castle of Success will magically come to me.

I know I never get anywhere without a fight and I must fight my way to the Castle.  Worse, I must fight myself, which is no easy feat, for I am harder on myself than the orcs and so on.

So I forget all that and focus on my personal orcs.  And dragons.  And monsters, zombies, flame sword nights, guys with boiling pots of oil, and also the purple purple Indian arm burn rubbers.  I hate those guys the most.

I may never leave my comfy spot on the grass.  Part of me says forget these orcs.  The other part says if dreaming about fighting the orcs is what gets you through the day then so be it, even if you never leave the grass.

I’ve run out of things to say.   I must fight these orcs and find my way into..the Castle of Success.

I am Bookshelf Q. Battler.  I read books.  I try to write novels.  I fight Yetis.  I have 3.5 readers.  And I hate orcs.

Bodiam Castle Image Courtesy of Flickr User Phillip Capper via a Creative Commons License

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