Stop Sucking With Vinny Baggadouchio, Motivational Speaker – Why Does My Marriage Suck?

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World Renowned Motivational Speaker, Anti-Suck Book Author and Bookshelf Battle Blog Columnist, Vinny Baggadouchio

Hello 3.5 Suckers.

I’m Vinny Baggadouchio and I am on a mission to rid the world of suck. Every night before I go to bed, I imagine the planet as one great big orange in the palm of my hand that I am squeezing and squeezing until every last drop of suck has been wrung out of it.

That’s how much I hate it when things suck.

If you didn’t suck at reading so much, you could learn how to not suck with one of my self-help anti-suck books:

  • Sucking Suckers and the Suckfaces Who Love Them
  • Journey to the Center of Your Inner Suck
  • Stop Sucking in Thirty Days
  • Five Things You Can Do Right Now to Reduce Your Suck Levels By Ten Percent
  • Whoosh Goes the Sound of Your Released Suck

Of course, if you suck so much that you can’t even afford one of my anti-suck books, then you can get some free advice on how to not suck right here on the Bookshelf Battle Blog.

(Although let’s face it, if you’re reading this mess, you probably suck.)

Sucky people from all over the world are constantly sending me letters, begging me to solve their sucky problems.

People trapped in a marriage that sucks is a common issue faced by suckers.  In fact, here’s one letter I received in my bag of fan suck mail just the other day:

Dear Vinny B,

My marriage sucks.  Is it because I suck?  Is it because my husband sucks? Do we both suck? Do we just suck together?

Please explain why my marriage sucks so bad and what I can do to make it so that it does not suck anymore.

Sincerely,

A Lady Whose Marriage Sucks

I’m sorry to hear that your marriage sucks, Lade Whose Marriage Sucks, but despite being an obvious sucker, you have inadvertently identified the top four explanations as to why a marriage sucks:

  1. You suck.
  2. Your spouse sucks.
  3. Both of you suck.
  4. Together, you suck.

Let’s go through each one.

Marriage Suck Question # 1 – Do You Suck?

As I always say, if you actually have to ask if you suck, then you suck.  And if you suck, then you could very well be the sucky monkey wrench that’s stopping up the gears of your marriage machine.

Here is a non-exhaustive list of some things that you, as a person who sucks, could be doing to suckify your marriage:

  • Farting – No one likes to be reminded that their mate has bowels.  Stop sucking all the good air in the room up your butt and let it rip outside for a change.
  • Cheating – Your word is your bond and only people who suck go back on a promise. If you’re getting a little something something on the side, then you suck.  Sure, an affair may seem like fun, but it is really just you putting a temporary patch on the gaping hole of your inner suck. Sooner or later your sucky flood gates will open and you’ll spill your suck all over the place and the world will finally know just how much you suck.
  • Gambling – It sucks when you put your spouse in the position of having to pawn his/her possessions because you can’t stop playing poker, betting on the ponies, or getting taken in by that dude with the three card monty table. People who suck at everything should never gamble as this is a surefire way to lose money due to your sucky abilities.
  • Letting Yourself Go – Do your looks suck? Sure, you may think that you have landed a honey so you might as well put some extra cheese on your taco, but all that cheese adds up…to a big pile of butt suck.  True, time does a number on our ability to not physically suck, but you don’t need to help the process along.
  • Depression – You suck so badly that you’ve lost the ability to get joy out of life. That is completely normal for a person who sucks.  Frankly, you suck so much I’d almost worry there was something wrong with you if you weren’t depressed about it.  But keep in mind that second hand suck is real and that your suck particles can fly through the air and latch onto your spouse like so many invisible suck barnacles.  Please don’t hurt yourself or others just because you suck.  You’d just be letting the suck in.  Instead, seek the advice of a trained medical professional on how to cope with and overcome your depression.  You’re not the first person to suck and you won’t be the last. So look yourself in the mirror, forgive yourself for sucking, and learn to move on.  If your spouse doesn’t suck, he or she will be there for you to lean on as you make the journey to a suck free life.

Marriage Suck Reason #2 – Does My Spouse Suck?

So you’re absolutely sure that you don’t suck and in fact, it is your spouse who sucks.

This is quite possible and here is a non-exhaustive list of things that you, as a person who does not suck, should not have to put up with from a spouse who sucks:

  • Cheating, farting, gambling (as discussed above) – But seriously, be a spouse who doesn’t suck and help your spouse overcome his/her depression.
  • Alcoholism/Substance Abuse –  Addictions suck, not just for the addicted but they can also drag a non-sucking person down into the depths of sucky depravity.  Perhaps as a person who does not suck, you can be a good role model for your spouse and help them get on the path to quitting an addiction that sucks. Alas, if your spouse is too far gone, you may have to make a sucky decision to move on.
  • Abusive Behavior – Even the greatest, least sucky marriages, fights in which unkind sucky words are exchanged are bound to happen. But if they’re happening daily and your spouse is using you as a verbal punching bag, you shouldn’t have to put up with that.  Heck, even a person who sucks shouldn’t have to be told constantly by their spouse that they suck. That’s what reputable anti-suck coaches like me are for.  Needless to say, whether you suck or not, you should never have to be a spouse’s physical punching bag either.
  • Being Sold to Foreign Businessmen – I don’t care how flattered you are by the high price you fetched in the underground sex slave auction your spouse signed you up for against your will, you should never have to put up with being sold as an international sex slave.  That just plain sucks.

Marriage Suck Reason #3 – Are We Both Sucky People?

This is entirely possible.  One of you could be an alcoholic farter while the other is a fat abusive gambler.  Perhaps you are both no-good cheaters who are constantly trying to sell the other into a life of international sex slavery.

In this case, you both suck.  Could you both make a pact to help each other mend your sucky ways? Perhaps…but as long as you both keep making excuses for your sucky behaviors, you’ll continue to drag your marriage down the suck hole.  If you’re both determined to suck things up forever, then you may have to consider going your separate ways so at least you can only suck up your own lives.

Marriage Suck Reason # 4 – Are We Non-Sucking People Who Just Suck Together?

Ahh, this is perhaps the saddest scenario in which a marriage sucks.

On your own, neither of you suck, but together, you suck like a Roomba stuck on autopilot.

Here’s an example:

You’re both alcoholics who have kicked your addiction long ago.  On your own, neither of you sucks at not drinking anymore. Alas, when you’re together, you become drinking buddies who party hearty.  It is a lot of fun at first, but without one non-sucker to flip the party switch off, things will eventually start to suck.

Yes, it is possible that the two of you suffer from any kind of addiction (from shopping to ice cream) and without one person to say enough is enough, then the two of you could end up in a suck spiral.

There’s also the potential of personality clash.  You’re a nerd who likes comic books.  She’s a supermodel who likes purse dogs. On your own, you both have your good, non-sucky qualities, but together, you have nothing to talk about or bond over and therefore, your conversations will suck.

Conclusion

ATTORNEY DONNELLY DISCLAIMER:

Vinny B. has no official credentials of any kind and therefore is not qualified in any way, shape or form to advise you about your marriage, your problems with depression or any problems you have whatsoever. If you suffer from these or any other problems, seek the advice of a real, trained professional and DO NOT rely on statements made by a dumb blog like this one.

Yes.  That disclaimer is true. Obviously, if you honestly believe that your marriage sucks, then only you can help you figure out what is the best thing to do.  Don’t rely on me.  Seek professional help.  Don’t be a dumb sucker who relies on dumb blogs.

Also, and I can’t stress this enough, please stop trying to sell your spouse into a life of international sex slavery.  Liam Neeson is only an actor and he won’t be able to save your spouse the way he did his fictional daughter in Taken.

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