A MEMO FROM THE MIGHTY POTENTATE (Alien Jones’ Boss)
RE: Insignificant Humans Who Dare Bask in My Presence
ALL HAIL THE MIGHTY POTENTATE!
Alien Jones! A human has dared speak to me, the Supreme Overlord of our planet, the name of which I forbid Earthlings to hear, lest they molest my eye receptacles with their hideous reality programming. Dispatch my answers to his inquiries posthaste!
WIKZI writes:
Dear Mighty Potentate: Although I am one of the puny humans you so despise, I thought you might want to know that, A) I have never participated in, nor plan on participating in, the creation and/or distribution of reality television programs, earth-based or otherwise.
MIGHTY POTENTATE: You are one of the good ones. However, the key question is not “have you” but “would you?” If given a low budget and a time slot on the public airwaves, would you fill it with “Trashy Housewives of Atlanta” or “Monkey Doctor Adventures?” What about “Supermodel Mudwrestling 4 Cash” or “Plumber Intervention.”
It’s nice that you have not nor plan to, but hopefully you KNOW you never will have anything to do with reality television.
WIKZI: B) as I am now following this blog, your 3.5-person readership has now been upgraded to 4.5 (who the hell is the .5 anyway, I feel sorry for him/her/it. What a loser!). No idea why you chose to grace my insignificant little corner o’ the blogosphere with your August Presence, but know this: I WILL BE WATCHING YOU. Please continue checking my blog at https://graylog.wordpress.com/ for more stories, some related to aliens and some, urm, not. Thank you!
MIGHTY POTENTATE: Confused human! I have no need for bloggery. If I want my thoughts to be in your mind, I’ll just beam them there and make you think you thought them. But thank you for following Bookshelf Q. Battler’s blog. I have identified him as the one human whose wit and wisdom can save the universe from the scourge of reality television, thus dispatching my lackey, Alien Jones, to assist him.
As the ruler of PLANET NAME REDACTED, I order all puny humans to visit Wikzi’s Blog. (The Graylog)
ALIEN JONES here. Thank you, oh Mightiest of Potentates, for gracing us with your presence. The next human to make inquiries was Gary Henry aka @LiteraryGary:
So is the Alien actually going to offer advice to the lovelorn and confused?
Sir, I am under direct orders from the Mighty Potentate to answer all questions posed using the infinite knowledge of my highly evolved brain. That being said, if you check out this file photo of yours truly, you’ll realize I’m missing something that one would need to be considered an expert on love:
I meant there’s no ring on my finger. What were you thinking of? Weirdo.
Having said that, I’ve generally found that most inter-human love quarrels can be solved by the male nodding at the female at regular intervals, throwing out the occasional, “Oh no she did-ent!” or “Girl, you so right!”
Meanwhile, statements such as “Madam, you are incorrect and the following is a logical and highly rational argument as to why” will result in the female attacking with the force of a rabid wolverine upon being cornered.
Apparently, I’m not the only one in the indie blog Q+A game. Henry’s blog, “Honest Indie Book Reviews” features a column called “Ask Vlad the Impaler.”
Perhaps not so surprisingly, most of Vlad’s advice involves someone getting impaled. Old “One Track Mind” Vlad.
Oh, and Bookshelf Q. Battler’s attorney demands I note that the Bookshelf Battle Blog does not endorse impalement.
Good Ole Henry – the indie world needs more supporters like this human.
On that note, I must take my leave, for I am attending a gala on Ronosplat 15. It’s so fancy it requires pants.
Pretentious, if you ask me.
Alien Jones is the Intergalactic Correspondent for the Bookshelf Battle Blog. Do you have a question for the Esteemed Brainy One? Submit it to Bookshelf Q. Battler via a tweet to @bookshelfbattle, leave it in the comment section on this site, or drop it off on the Bookshelf Battle Google + page. If AJ likes your question, he might promote your book, blog, or other project while providing his answer.
Submit your questions by midnight Friday each week for a chance to be featured in his Sunday column. And if you don’t like his response, just let him know and he’ll file it into the recycling bin of his monolithic super computer. No muss, no fuss, no problem.
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