Tag Archives: zombie apocalypse

Oct 08 2015
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#31ZombieAuthors

#31ZombieAuthors – Day 8 Interview – Joseph “Zombie” Zuko – Getting Apocalypse Fit

Joseph

Joseph “Zombie” Zuko poses with a replica based on a weapon from his novel, “The Infected.”

FIND THIS ZOMBIE AUTHOR ON:

Amazon               Blog

      Twitter                 Podcast

Today’s guest is a bonafide zombie expert, so much so that “Zombie” is his middle name. Joseph “Zombie” Zuko is the author of The Infected Series, as well as the owner of Zombie Camp 17, a zombie themed T-shirt comedy.

To round it all off, he brings his wit and wisdom to the masses with his podcast, Shotgun and Scotch. In his spare time, he studies Krav Maga and works on his fitness to remain in peak zombie fighting condition so as to be prepared to take on the undead hordes at a moment’s notice.

Joe, thanks for taking my call.

Q.   I hate to admit it, but I’m out of shape. I’m trapped in a zombie infested mall and just had to drag my friend across a store. Now I’m out of breath and I’m wishing I’d hit the gym more. I noticed on your blog, you talk about Krava Maga and getting “Apocalypse Fit.” It’s too late for me, but do you have any words that could inspire my 3.5 readers to get off their butts, head to the gym, and prepare themselves should a zombie outbreak occur?

Zombie Apocalypse Training

Zombie Apocalypse Training

A.   “Zombieland” said it best. Cardio! Cardio! Cardio! If you can bench 350 pounds that’s cool, but how long can you run for? Can you run a mile in under ten minutes? Can you run with a backpack on and for how long before you have to sit down, rest and get eaten by a quick moving dead head? Can you do one pull up? If you’re hanging from a ledge over a zombie horde can you pull yourself up to safety?

If the answer is “no” to any of these questions then that’s got to be your motivator. Do you want to live or die? I enjoy feeling strong and healthy. I love knowing I can do twenty pull ups at a time, run a mile in under seven minutes and kick the shit out of most zombies you would come across on the street.

Start simple. Run a mile. Then do it a little faster the next time. Do as many pull ups as you can. If it’s only one then do one and then shoot for more. I also recommend signing up for mud runs, like the Spartan race. That will let you know just how fit you are and what you need to work on. I’ve done two and plan to do one next year and the goal is to get faster and faster. I like to train with a weighted vest on. It adds forty pounds to my body and shows you how long you could run with a backpack on.

BQB EDITORIAL NOTE:  I made my own personal forty pound weighted vest out of Doritos and cheesecake!

Q.   How did you end up with “Zombie” as a middle name? I feel like there’s a story there. Did your parents really want you to become a zombie fighter?

A.   My folks rolled their eyes when I said that I was going to put that on my books. People love to ask me about zombies all the time. In my group of friends, family and coworkers I am the zombie aficionado. I haven’t seen or read everything out there, but I know more than most and have loved them my whole adult life.

The true story about the name “Zombie” is a little silly. I was driving to work thinking about my first book and worried people wouldn’t know that it was a zombie book without the word zombie on the cover and then it hit me. Give yourself a made up nick name. “Throw the name zombie on there,” I told myself.

What a creepy, weirdo, silly thing to do, right? I had looked over a ton of other author’s book covers and no one had done anything like that as far as I could tell. So I thought it might stick out when a zombie reader is scanning the cover art of what’s out there on the market. I could also be alienating a ton of people with my crazy, made up nickname, but what are you going to do? Screw them if they can’t take a joke.
Q.   The Infected series begins with Jim Blackmore, an average, regular guy, who finds himself at ground zero of a zombie apocalypse and has to fight his way home to his family. Jim isn’t some totally buff bodybuilder or a superhero with special powers or anything. For readers, he’s pretty relatable isn’t he?

A.   When I got started I read a handful of other authors’ works and noticed that there was a trend to focus the story around an ex-military bad ass with tons of guns and fighting experience. Well, I don’t know a ton about guns and I was never in the military so I didn’t want to talk out of my ass when I wrote Jim’s First Day.

I decided to keep it simple and did another weirdo thing and made Jim based on myself. His whole family, job and life experiences are all based on mine. I’d like to think that I’m a relatable husband and father. People have really seemed to respond to that aspect of the books. I really tried to write it from my heart. I love zombies because they scare me so badly and I wanted to share this fear of mine with as many people as I possibly can.

Q.   In Book Two, the story continues from the perspective of Jim’s wife, Karen, who’s at home and has to protect her children from becoming zombie chow. That’s a unique idea, to tell a story from two different perspectives. What motivated you to do that?

A.   Karen’s character is based on my wonderful loving wife and she told me that I better give Karen as good of a book as I did for Jim. At first it was only going to be a few chapters about Karen and the children having to deal with the start of a zombie apocalypse. Then the story would kick back up again with Jim and his crew. The more I thought about it the more I liked the idea of watching this nightmare unfold through her eyes. She doesn’t have fighting skills or military training and she has to take care of two small children. That’s a terrifying idea and I tried to imagine what would my wife do. It was a very fun book to write and so far the feedback has been amazing. I actually think that the second book is a better story with better characters than the first one. I had worked out what my style was and just let it rip.

Q.   Surely you realize Mrs. Zombie Zuko is a saint.   I’m doing a mental inventory of all my ex-girlfriends (it’s not that long a list) and I’m pretty sure all of them would have commanded me to “drop the zombie crap” by now.

A.  She is a saint and an angel. I met Mrs. Zombie Zuko when I was eighteen. She has been there from the very beginning. We fell in love and bonded over the movie Scream. We were just out of high school when Scream came out on video and we were both obsessed with it. So our relationship started out with us loving horror. We love zombie movies, TV shows and video games and are both looking forward this season of The Walking Dead.

Writing the books was really her idea. We found out about self publishing on Amazon and she told me she thought I could do it, even though I had never written anything with the kind of length a novel would require. She believed in me and cheered me on like I was her local sports team.

I still bounce all of my ideas off of her before I get them down in the computer. She is my zombie muse and it would have been impossible to finish the first book without her pushing me to get it done.

I am very lucky and blessed man to have her in my life. There would be no Joseph “Zombie” Zuko without Katie Zuko.

Q. You go above and beyond when it comes to entertaining your fans. Your site has a photo of you posing with a nasty looking zombie killing weapon and you’ve put out fun videos promoting your books. Do your readers get a kick out of it?

ZUKO’S DAUGHTER:  I see a zombie!

                         ZUKO:  No, that’s just a picture of dad in the morning.

A.   I think they get that I’m only trying to entertain them and I’m not taking myself too seriously. I enjoy making the videos and want to get across what kind of guy I am. We are here to have fun, right? I would love to make more videos and get to interact with the fans more, but I’m neck deep in the third installment of The Infected: Nightfall. It comes out on Amazon October, 11th 2015. Same night as The Walking Dead premiere of season six.

That saw I’m holding was built for me by my cousin and it is a brutal as it looks. It’s on the cover art for Book 3.

Q.   In your first book, you provide a note that your zombie obsession began as a teenager when you first played Resident Evil 2. Admittedly, I lost a lot of my youth to that franchise as well. What is it about that game that inspired a generation of zombie enthusiasts?

A.  I had never seen anything like it before. It blew my freaking mind. It was like playing with an interactive movie. The sound design. The graphics. The great zombie scares. Every aspect of it had me hooked. I had never played a game that told that level of story before. You’re a cop that just got to town and you’re trying to figure out what the hell is going on and oh yeah try and survive the night from hell. It was amazing and thrilling. I was the perfect age for it and the movies that followed. I have since become addicted to Left for Dead One and Two and most recently the State of Decay game on Xbox. Plus Sony’s Last of Us was not a typical zombie story but has the same level of WOW that Resident Evil 2 had.

Q.  You’re trained in Krav Maga. If one of these zombie jerkfaces makes a move on me, what’s the best move you recommend to take him down?

A.   Krav Maga teaches you how to escape a human’s grip, so it focuses a lot on groin strikes and hits to the nose. These moves will have no effect on the dead jerkface so if you are unarmed and zack is coming right for you…kick at its knee. Cripple its zombie ass. One well placed knee strike could send the creep to its belly and then you stomp its brains in or better yet RUN! I always recommend for you to run first and fight second. You don’t want to end up in a zombie’s digestive track.

Q. Joe, thanks for being my Day 8 Zombie Apocalypse advisor. Before I go, do you have any last minute advice that could help my friends and I survive the East Randomtown Zombie Outbreak?

A. That’s a great question. Read as many zombie books as you possible can. Especially mine. That’s rule number one. They are excellent field guides in how shit can go wrong fast. Each one will give you advice on how to survive and show you the pitfalls that can happen in a zombie outbreak.

Keep your head and keep moving. You stay in a building for too long and you might find yourself surrounded by blood thirsty, meat hungry biters. Learn a martial art. Something that focuses on escaping holds. Run Spartan style races to see how well you can get over an eight-foot wall. Carry knives on you at all time. I always have my Swiss Army knife in one pocket and Gerber lock-blade in the other. You might need to make something, fix something or kill something at a moment’s notice. You don’t want to be armed with a butter knife.

I also recommend keeping a handful of weapons and tools in the trunk of your car. A crowbar, axe, hammer, a few machetes and if you can swing it, a crossbow with a grip of spare bolts to fire. It would cost less then two hundred dollars and increase your chances of survival a hundred fold.

Thank you for the call, Bookshelf Q. Battler. This was awesome and I appreciate being selected for this month of horror. Fall is my favorite time of the year. It gets cold and creepy out and Halloween is the absolute best holiday in my opinion.

Would you agree that it’s an amazing time in the history of zombie entertainment? Books, movies, TV shows and video games all seem to be peaking and it’s only going to get better. Zombies are a simple concept, guy comes back from the dead, feeds on his neighbor and so on and so on, but in that simplicity lies the brilliance of it all.

BQB EDITORIAL NOTE:  It’s a real, zombie renaissance, ZZ.  Thanks for stopping by.

3.5 readers, don’t forget, Zombie Zuko’s third book comes out this Sunday!

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Oct 08 2015
1 Comment
#31ZombieAuthors

BQB’s Zombie Apocalypse Survivor’s Journal – Day 8

October 8, 2015

Alien Jones walked over with a hand covering his eyes.

“Humans, it’s been an entire day now and since another human’s life is at stake I must insist you cease your primitive bodily fluid exchange ritual posthaste.”

“OK AJ,” I said.

The Esteemed Brainy One uncovered his eyes to find VGRF and I playing Car Thief Mayhem.

I prefer Car Thief Mayhem 20

I prefer Car Thief Mayhem 20

“Finally,” Alien Jones said. “There was one point last night  where I wondered whether or not I needed to investigate. It sounded like one of you was being eaten alive by a zombie.”

“Yeah,” I said. “That was me. I got stuck in my zipper.”

“Spare me the details.”

VGRF paused the game. Alien Jones held out his hands and projected a map of the mall into the air. Spectral mapping was just one of the little guy’s many talents. He could display the layout of any location within a mile thanks to his highly complicated built-in sonar processing system.

“We are here,” Alien Jones said, pointing to the store on the map marked “Price Town.”

He could even use his mind to put little notes on the map. Creepy.

“Unfortunately, Hipster Hut, where BQB’s ex has barricaded herself in a backroom, is all the way over at the opposite side of the mall.”

“I can’t believe we went at it all night,” VGRF said. “Poor Blandie, I hope she’s still ok.”

“She’s fine,” Alien Jones said. “I’m reading her mind as we speak. She is cursing out BQB and making fun of his tiny…”

“OK!” I interrupted. “So let’s plan this out, shall we?”

Alien Jones used his mind to project a trail of red dots leading from Price Town and across the mall to our intended destination.

“The zombies have stacked themselves up at the gate at the inner mall entrance to this store, waiting for us to come out so they can eat us,” Alien Jones said. “Well eat you, anyway. My body is made of a durable rubbery substance so their teeth will just bounce right off me, but when you’re all gruesomely murdered by undead savages, I will remember you fondly.”

“What are you trying to say?” I asked.

The Mighty Potentate really hates reality television.

The Mighty Potentate really hates reality television.

“That this mission is inadvisable but if I cannot change your minds I will do my best to protect you,” Alien Jones said. “But remember BQB, more is riding on this than just your former bump buddy. The Mighty Potentate has issued standing orders to a billion shock troops to be on standby to invade Earth at the precise moment when your heart stops beating. It will be a complete violation of Intergalactic Space Law, but the MP believes it will be worth it to contain the menace that is reality television.”

VGRF whispered to me, “You really need to get to work on that novel.”

“I can project a force field bubble that will protect us for five minutes but there won’t be a second to spare. As soon as it shuts off, we will be surrounded and outmatched. Our goal needs to be to get to Blandie and hole up in the Hipster Hut until a further escape plan can be devised.”

“Can we just come back here?” I asked.

“Doubtful,” Alien Jones said. “Once the gate is opened, Price Town will be overrun with the zombie horde.”

“You’ll need to wake up Bernie,” I said.

“Yes,” Alien Jones replied. “Bring him to me.”

“What?” I asked. “What am I supposed to do, carry him?”

“Indeed.”

“Why cant you just go to him?”

“We can’t have him anywhere near the button that opens the gate when he wakes up.”

“Oh right,” I said.

“Do you want some help?” VGRF asked?

“No I’ve got it.”

I headed over to the gate and found Bernie right where we’d left him. He was frozen solid, his hand stretched out, a finger pointing at the button, a revoltingly angry look on his face.

I grabbed him by the waist. He wasn’t that big of a guy but still, it was an entire human being. He wasn’t budging.

I grabbed him by the arm, tilted him downward, and dragged him behind me. It worked for awhile until I lost my grip and he fell right on his back. I yanked on his arm again and kept dragging until I was before the Esteemed Brainy One.

AJ worked his magic with a single point of his finger.

Funky Hunks Forever

Funky Hunks Forever

“FUNKY HUNKS FOREVER!” Bernie cried.

He looked around.

“What the?”

“Alien Jones had to freeze you for awhile,” I said. “You flipped out and were going to let all the zombies in.”

“I was?”

I nodded.

“Aww dang, B.  I’m sorry.”

“The zombie apocalypse means never having to say you’re sorry,” I said. “Just get your shit together.”

“Humans,” Alien Jones said. “I will need one more day to prepare for this rescue mission. Don’t worry. I can see Blandie’s situation through her eyes and the door she is behind is holding. Video Game Rack Fighter, I need you to gather every computer in the store and bring them here.”

“I’m on it,” VGRF said.

“Bernie,” AJ continued. “Bring me Price Town’s entire stock of batteries.”

“Will do space dawg.”

“BQB,” AJ said. “Find me a leaf blower, a dehumidifier and a troll doll.”

“Sure thing,” I said as I sat down, feeling winded. “Just give me a minute though. Dragging Bernie’s fat ass all the way over here wore me out.”

“That’s not good,” Alien Jones said. “A zombie fighter needs to be in peak physical condition.”

“Tell me about it,” I said. “In fact, that reminds me. I need to call someone.”

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Oct 07 2015
7 Comments
#31ZombieAuthors

#31ZombieAuthors – Day 7 Interview – Gillian Zane – Alpha Male Lessons for BQB

gzFIND THIS ZOMBIE AUTHOR ON:

Amazon      Website

Facebook      Twitter

Today’s guest is Gillian Zane, author of the Nola Zombie Series. Follow the exploits of doomsday prepper Alexis Winter and macho ex-military man Blake Miller as they brave the streets of New Orleans in the midst of a zombie apocalypse, fight for their survival, and do it a whole helluva lot.

“Um…hey guys? Do you know there’s zombies outside and…oh what they hell, have fun you two.”

Filled with “zombies, sex, romance and carnage,” this is a series designed to titillate the senses of the adult reader and thus its only intended for those 18 years and over.

Hello Gillian. I can hear you loud and clear on Alien Jones’ space phone.

NOTE: BOLD=BQB; ITALICS=Gillian

Q. I have to admit, when I first heard about the concept of blending the erotic and zombie genres, I was skeptical. How could anyone feel frisky whilst surrounded by hideous killer zombies? But after learning that my group of survivors and I have to go on a desperate, high risk mission to rescue my ex-girlfriend, my current girlfriend got so hot and bothered that she jumped my bones and now I’m a believer.

What is it about a zombie apocalypse that drives people mad with sexual desire? Is danger an aphrodisiac?

A.  The zombie apocalypse is how it takes its form in my world, but basically it’s death in general. Or more importantly facing death. Zombies represent death in it’s basic form. They are walking corpses trying to get you to join them. When faced with death around every corner it is human instinct to survive. This includes sexual reproduction. So, to put it literally, a brush with death is an aphrodisiac.

Combine this with the breakdown of societal norms, a person that was once restrained by moral or societal constraints might find themselves more free to express their sexuality in an apocalypse. There is no one to judge them, shame them for their behavior, even themselves. You have no time to worry if he’ll “respect you in the morning” if you are the only two people left on the planet because everyone else is a zombie.

Q. On Twitter, you state “I write really sexy novels & novellas, with lots of angst and plenty of alpha males.” Are alpha males born or can they be made? I ask this because presently, I’m about as alpha as a puppy dog, but I wouldn’t mind becoming one of those perfect haired muscular stud muffins who grace your book covers. Is there anything I can do to alpha myself up or is it just a lost cause and maybe I should just embrace my usual nerdy demeanor?

A. Even a nerd can be an Alpha male. It’s not about muscles or waxed chests, in fact, most men that I’ve met who have perfectly chiseled abs and waxed bodies are as insecure as they come. The key to becoming an Alpha Male is confidence. Taking charge of a situation instead of sitting back and letting someone else run the show. The reason muscles and chest hair come into play is usually because of the strength aspect. Most alphas are stronger, faster, and bigger than their beta brethren. This is because in the animal world, bigger usually translates for a win. But, a faster, smarter man can always take down a big, dumb, slow loser.

Think David and that Goliath dude. You don’t think David got hoisted up to Alpha status after he took down the Giant? I betcha he never waxed his chest. So, basically there is hope. Pump up that confidence, do a few chin-ups, don’t let people push you around (but don’t be a hot-head) and if you want to be the star of a Romance – it helps to be really good in the sack.

BQB EDITORIAL NOTE:  Well, I’m screwed then.

Q. Your series takes place in New Orleans, a city rich with culture and history. When they aren’t killing and/or humping, do your characters get to pass by any of the sights? One of the reasons I’m intrigued is that a New Orleans setting seems like a fun, unique idea.

A. Well, it takes place in New Orleans, because what better place to have a zombie apocalypse? Or really, it’s because I know this place much better than any other place on the planet and New Orleans people are preppers by nature because of those pesky hurricanes. Do my characters get to check out any of the sights in New Orleans? Not really. A guy gets eaten by a zombie on Bourbon Street and that is shown on the news, but my characters are local, so they aren’t going to go around checking out the city. They hit places that aren’t very famous, but it does give you a unique view of the city from a local’s perspective. You might recognize some names, but I took great detail in going to places that I thought were logical for a group trying to escape zombies and actually ran the route a few times to make sure it was logical.

Q. Your character, Alex, is a doomsday prepper and on your Amazon page, you mention you’re a prepper yourself and that your past times include stockpiling Meals Ready to Eat and researching how to build a cistern on a budget. As a world renowned poindexter, I already knew that a cistern is an underground water storage tank that can be connected to sink or toilet and didn’t have to look that up at all. I interviewed another prepper earlier this month so I’ll ask you the same question. What’s up with the prepping? Are we all doomed or is it just a better safe than sorry thing?

A.   As I mentioned in the earlier question, as a New Orleanian, I’m a natural prepper. I have to be. I feel like I survived one apocalypse already, Katrina. I lived right where the levees broke, in a neighborhood called Lakeview. So, we had to bug-out very quickly and live like transients for about a month, until we finally had to rely on the government to get us a FEMA trailer. I don’t ever want to do that again. I usually prepped for about a week, to survive without electricity and water. But, now we have to prep to actually leave the city or bug-out AND I never want to rely on the feds to help me and my family–because it comes when they are ready, not when you need it. It is a way of life down here because it’s inevitable that another hurricane will happen.

Will it have the same impact as Katrina? Maybe not, but do I want to take that chance? Fifty years ago, Americans could can their own food, knew how to grow their own gardens, knew how to mend their clothes, had water stored…because, being self-sufficient meant the difference between life and death. We’ve become spoiled, our food is delivered to us, the majority of us couldn’t tell you where their banana came from, much less what fruits are grown regionally.

Should we be worried about an impending apocalypse? I don’t think there is one on the horizon, at least not a BIG one that destroys the world. But, I do see regional issues, droughts, more hurricanes, those sort of things, which being prepared for will really help. And in my world, it is always better to be safe than sorry.

Oh, and BTW – we use an above-ground cistern, can’t do below ground in New Orleans because of the water table. We actually have a raised cistern and we use gravity, almost like a water-tower. You would use it for watering your plants, or in an emergency for showering etc. You would have to treat it for drinking water, but that can be a simple filtering process. We get so much rain down here, it is logical to collect rain water for the plants.

Q.  Gillian, thanks for taking a few minutes to talk zombies with me. Before I go, do you have any last minute advice to help my friends and I survive the East Randomtown Zombie Apocalypse?

A.    Take to the water. Zombies can’t swim. But, shoot for deep water, they can float.

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Oct 07 2015
1 Comment
BQB's Zombie Apocalypse Survivor's Journal

POLL- Should BQB and the Gang Save Blandie?

Bookshelf Q. Battler:  No!  We’ve got a great set-up here in Price Town!  Free food, supplies, and a gate that’s keeping the zombies at bay!  Plus, she made this face at me for as long as I knew her:

shutterstock_265129703

VIDEO GAME RACK FIGHTER: Yes!  She’s still a person and I’ll never live with myself knowing I could have prevented her from being eaten by ravenous zombies, even if she and BQB used to get jiggy with it.

WHAT SAY YOU, 3.5 READERS?

SAVE BLANDIE OR LET HER BECOME ZOMBIE CHOW? 

CAST YOUR VOTES IN THE COMMENTS!

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Oct 07 2015
2 Comments
Uncategorized

BQB’s Zombie Apocalypse Survivor’s Journal – Day 7

October 7, 2015

It was mid-afternoon and a bit of light streamed in through the store’s front windows. I felt at ease during the day. It was night time I had to worry about. The pitch black night when VGRF, my alien and I huddled together back to back, fearful that a vicious zombie might be inches away from our faces and we wouldn’t even know it.

“Ahh let’s see,” I said as I stared at Alien Jones’ space phone. “Couple new followers. A few new comments. Some dude is trying to post a spam comment about Venezuelan jock itch powder.”

Sir Spamsalot says: 8:01 A.M. Oct 2, 2015

I am to be enjoying your fine bloggings with the writings and the words of much importance and interest to the readers of the world who care very much about jock itch powder for the curing of the itching of the jock…”

“Delete!”  I said as I punched a button on the space phone.  “I’ll never allow me 3.5 readers to be sold inferior jock itch powder!”

“I can’t believe you’re worried about your dumb blog at a time like this,” VGRF said.

“I’m past the point of no return in my one post a day for a year challenge,” I said. “I promised my 3.5 readers one post of BQB goodness every day in 2015 and by God, I’m not about to quit now, come hell, high-water, or zombies!”

I scrolled through my WordPress dashboard.

“Jeeze,” I said. “I’m really behind in responding to these comments…whoa!”

“What?” VGRF asked.

“Check this out.”

My ex-girlfriend, Bland Life Settler, or “Blandie” as I called her, had posted a comment on the Bookshelf Battle Blog a few days earlier, long before the power went out:

Blandie Settler says: 9:45 P.M. October 3, 2015

BQB, you ass! You’re really updating your blog right now? You know I work at Hipster Hut and yet it never once dawned on you to check on me to see if I’m ok! I’ve barricaded myself in the backroom behind the checkout counter. Get your stupid ass over here and save me or I’ll tell every last one of your 3.5 readers about your tiny…

Huh. I don’t know what happened. The rest of the comment must have been cut off.

“Blandie works in the mall?”  VGRF asked.

“Same job since high school,” I said. “Blandie likes things to be predictable and boring, whereas I prefer to try new things. It was one of the main reasons why she dumped me.”

Alien Jones sauntered in, noshing on a club sandwich he’d made himself from various ingredients he’d swiped from the deli. I don’t think it mattered to him that everything had spoiled due to a lack of electricity.

“That and your tiny…”

I cut the Esteemed Brainy One off.

“Yeah, I can’t think of any other reason why she left,”  I said.

“She also disparaged your interest in a writing career,” Alien Jones said. “Caused you to quit on your dream and take a lame job as the Assistant to the Assistant of the Vice President of Corporate Assistance at Beige Corp, the world’s premiere producer of beige products and accessories.”

“God,” I said. “I haven’t even checked in with my boss since last week.”

“Don’t worry,” Alien Jones said. “He’s probably zombie poop by now.”

“Poor Mr. Thompson,” I said.

I’d always thought I had the most boring job known to man, until I met Video Game Rack Fighter and learned that she was the Assistant to the Assistant of the Vice President for Corporate Assistance at Drying Paint Media, the world’s premiere production studio for drying paint videos.

I knew it was kismet because we’ve both long regretted not following our dreams, mine of becoming a writer, hers of designing video games, so now we support each other and pursue our passions in our spare time.

“Blandie made this post four days ago,” I said. “Wow, I hope she’s ok.”

“Why?” VGRF asked. “You’ve still got the hots for that bimbo or something?”

“What? No.”

The photo of Blandie that BQB kept. She literally made this face at our hero at all times throughout the tenure of their relationship.

The photo of Blandie that BQB kept. She literally made this face at our hero at all times throughout the tenure of their relationship.

“He didn’t throw away the photo of her when you moved in to BQB HQ,” Alien Jones said to VGRF.

That little green rat.

VGRF looked hurt.

“That doesn’t mean anything,” I said. “I don’t know why I didn’t throw her photo away. I don’t have any feelings for her anymore. It’s just, we were together a long time. Somehow it didn’t seem right to throw her out with the trash.”

“As she did with you,” Alien Jones said.

Zing.

“It’s ok,” VGRF said. “I get it. I might have a photo hanging around of my ex too.”

“What the shit?!”  I yelled. “You need to burn that shit immediately!”

VGRF was pissed at that response.

“Um, I mean, ok, so we’ve both come to an agreement that it’s possible to wish an ex well and not still be in love with them. And you know what? Screw Blandie. If she needs to be rescued from brain chomping bastards then she should have thought about that before she let this prime side of beef go.”

“No,” VGRF said.

“No?”

“No,” VGRF repeated. “She’s still a human being.”

“I can tell you some stories that would change your mind about that.”

“It doesn’t matter,” VGRF said. “She’s a person. Whether it’s your ex or some random stranger, I’ll never be able to live with myself knowing someone was eaten alive by zombies and I could have done something to stop it.”

“Babe, no,” I said. “We’ve got a good set up here. We’ve got the whole run of a store full of supplies. The hall is full of undead beasts ready to sink their teeth into us. No. Absolutely not. We’re staying put.”

“If you don’t go, then I’ll go on my own,” VGRF said. “If we let Blandie die, then we’re no better than the monsters we’re hiding from.”

I was quiet for a moment, thinking about what to say.

“Fine,” I said. “I’ll go by myself. I won’t allow you to die for her.”

I felt my heart racing. VGRF’s cheeks looked a little flush as well.

She slapped me across the face.

“Damn it, man! Where you go, I go. I’ll never abandon you and that’s the last I’ll hear of it!”

Alien Jones sucked on a straw attached to a two liter bottle of soda and watched us like he was at a movie theater and we were the coming attractions.

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I brushed my hand over the spot on my cheek where VGRF slapped me.

“I love it when you play rough, baby.”

I don’t know what it was. Maybe it was the danger. The possibility that we were considering a mission that could get us both killed, but our engines were at full throttle.

“Yeah, you like that?” VGRF asked as she ripped my shirt open, sending buttons flying everywhere. “Then take me right here, right now you sexy bitch!”

“All right I’m out,” Alien Jones said as he walked off toward the deli. “I wonder if there’s any pastrami.”

VGRF pressed her lips against mine, pushed her tongue inside my mouth and gave me the longest, most passionate kiss we’d ever exchanged in our entire relationship.

“MMmph, baby,” I said as I pulled my head back. “Hang on. I need to call someone.”

“Are you kidding me?!”

BOOKSHELF Q. BATTLER AND VIDEO GAME RACK FIGHTER, USUALLY LIKE THIS:

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NOW LIKE THIS:

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THANKS, ZOMBIE APOCALYPSE!

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Oct 06 2015
4 Comments
BQB's Zombie Apocalypse Survivor's Journal

This Excerpt From BQB’s Zombie Apocalypse Survivor’s Journal Brought to By Beige Corp!

BEIGE CORP!

Beige

Beige

Yes, Beige Corp!  The world’s premiere producer of beige products and accessories is a proud sponsor of the Bookshelf Q. Battler’s Zombie Apocalypse Survivor’s Journal.

“We were devastated to learn of a zombie attack in East Randomtown, mostly because that’s where our headquarters is located, and its going to cost an ass-ton of cash to have it fumigate,” said Lawrence Mortimer, Beige Corp CEO.  “Oh, and also we’re very worried about our dear, dear employees.  They are truly the life’s blood of our drab empire.”

Mr. Mortimer noted that despite of the loss of the East Randomtown HQ, beige products and accessories production will continue via new plants in China, India, and Thailand.

“Fear not, loyal beige loving customers, our third world sweat shops will be set up in no time!  Did I say ‘third world sweat shops?’  Whoops! I meant to say ‘developing nation economic advancement centers!'”

BEIGE!  It’s the color you wear when you don’t want to say anything about yourself whatsoever.

Have you lived a pristine enough life to pull off white?  I don’t think so.

Are you enough of a badass outlaw to walk around in all black?  Johnny Cash knows you haven’t.

BEIGE!

Just look at these fine Beige Corp employees, hard at work, producing beige products and accessories for the beige loving masses.

Or, at least they were before our headquarters was overrun by the gruesome undead.  Where ever you are, East Randomtown employees, we’re thinking about you.

But thinking is all we’re going to do because holy shit, we aren’t fighting any damn zombies.

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Ted Becker, Accounting – Feared dead or zombified.

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Judy Masters, Call Center Operator – Most likely was too bored to fend off a zombie attack.

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Eduardo Ricardo Papageorgio Von Finkelstein, aka Bookshelf Q. Battler, Assistant to the Assistant of the Vice-President for Corporate Assistance – Currently fighting for his life in the East Randomtown Mall.

To BQB and the rest of our employees in East Randomtown, know that your bosses are keeping you in their thoughts and prayers, far far away from that shit hole you call a town, which let’s face it, didn’t even look that great before the zombie apocalypse.

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Oct 06 2015
8 Comments
#31ZombieAuthors

#31ZombieAuthors – Day 6 – S.G. Lee – Advice From the Journal of the Undead

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FIND THIS ZOMBIE AUTHOR ON:

Amazon     Blog

Facebook      Twitter

Today’s guest is S.G. Lee, author of the Journal of the Undead series and proprietor of sgleehorror.blogspot.com, where he spins yarns of zombitabulous mayhem free of charge, assuming you don’t include the hours of sleep you’ll lose thinking about the twisted horror scenarios he’s concocted.

A self-described Philly sports fan, he claims an ability to bleed all of Philadelphia’s sports team colors, much to the shock of his local medical community.

S.G. welcome.  Personally, I think the East Randomtown Mascots would trounce the Phillies any day of the week, but alas we must discuss more serious business.

NOTE: BOLD=BQB; ITALICS=S.G.

Q.   I’ve just learned that my mentor, the illustrious Dr. Hugo Von Science, caused the East Randomtown Zombie Apocalypse on purpose as part of a villainous scheme.  For me, this begs a question I must ask you:  

Who’s more dangerous in a zombie outbreak?  The monsters that want to eat us or the humans who take advantage of the chaos to get what they want?

A.   Without a doubt, the human race is far more dangerous. With the ability to think rationally and problem-solve, mankind is the most vicious animal on the planet.

First, there will be the sinister types … the ones who create the outbreak and/or those who profit from it. Then there are the people in desperation; they paid no attention to preparedness protocols for any type of disaster. They didn’t even make sure they had spare bottles of water, a first aid kit, or flashlights if the power goes out so how are they going to handle the zombie apocalypse?

Desperation brings out the basest of animal instincts in people. They’ll kill over a half-empty bottle of water if thirsty enough. Let’s not forget, even in good times, there are people whose only pleasure is derived from harming others. They’ll knock someone down just to watch a zombie tear ‘em to shreds.

That’s not to say all of humanity is monstrous, there are always going to be good people out there too. Just be sure to watch out because it will be harder to tell in the direst of times.

Q.   Why is the public so obsessed with zombies these days?  

A.  I know I’ve said this before but I truly believe the reason zombies are so popular is because, at their core, zombies represent hopelessness. Tragically, most people look at the world around them and feel little or no hope. They’re disappointed in so many things: their government, their spouse/significant other, their dysfunctional families, their finances, an ever-growing abundance of bills. The list goes on and on but none of that is as awful as being torn to shreds by a cannibalistic eating machine that used to be your neighbor or mailman. In a strange way, zombie books and movies give us hope. If a group of ragtag strangers can survive a cataclysmic outbreak in the zombie apocalypse, maybe … just maybe, you can too. Or, at the very least, you can survive holidays with the in-laws.

51n4ONFgx2L._SX331_BO1,204,203,200_ copyQ,  In Journal of the Undead:  Littleville Uprising, Evan Stone’s godfather is Dr. G.E. Mitchell, author of Journal of the Undead: A Survivor’s Guide.  Are there any tips in that survivor’s guide you could pull out that would help my merry band of survivors and I?

A.  Absolutely! Dr. Mitchell, a.k.a. Doc, will be working with me to release his survivor’s guide soon but, until then, I’m sure he wouldn’t mind if I share a few tips.

First, preparation is key. Have a bug-out bag (BOB) packed nearby and ready at a moment’s notice. You never know when the flesh-eaters might break through your perimeter. There won’t be time to pack when that happens so be prepared. He recommends having more than one bag since you’ll have different seasonal needs.

BQB EDITORIAL NOTE:  See this interview with Sarah Lyons Fleming for more on how to pack a zombie apocalypse ready bug out bag.  Back to you, S.G.

Second, don’t give those monsters anything to grab onto so, avoid baggy clothes and long, flowing hair. In Littleville, one of the students was, as Emma so delicately put it, “hauled in like a marlin” by the girl’s long hair. So, cut it or keep it in a tight braid but make sure your hair can’t be used against you.

Another tried and true tip is to have more than one type of weapon, preferably a multi-tasking tool in addition to a gun. The sound of gunfire attracts enemies so a non-firing weapon is essential when you need to stay undercover. Besides, guns require ammo and that might be in short supply.

Finally, this one is helpful no matter what type emergency arises, be sure to have back-ups of both prescription and over-the-counter medications on hand. The last thing you want is to keel over because you didn’t pack your medications!

Q.  In a note in Littleville Uprising, you state that zombies vary in their abilities from story to story, and that yours “shuffle along, always searching for a bite of warm and juicy living flesh.”  Why did you choose to make your zombies shuffle and do you have any advice to defeat the East Randomtown zombies, who, as my luck would have it, all run like they trained with Jackie Joyner-Kersee?

A.  The reason my Journal of the Undead zombies are the slow shufflers is two-fold. One, this series was written for my sweetie, an old-school horror purist. In my beloved’s world, it would be sacrilege to call those sprinters, “zombies.” Secondly, we are both of the opinion that the fast moving, super-human cannibals are “infected” as opposed to zombies. So, in our house zombies shamble and vampires are not sparkly love interests.

BQB EDITORIAL NOTE:  Kind of fun to picture the Lees sitting around the dinner table, being all alike, “this is a slow shambling zombie house and it always will be, damn it!”

Q.  Can you confirm reports that your desire to write about zombies was “spawned by intense road rage?”  I read something on your Amazon Author page that led me to think that might be a possibility.

A.  Well, I am not at liberty to confirm or deny these claims outright but I will say this … you can take the driver out of Philly but you cannot take Philly out of the driver. We are always in a hurry so slow drivers make me want to take a tire iron and—Ahem, it appears my attorney has advised me to invoke the fifth amendment and shut up before I incriminate myself.

Q.  Thanks for taking the time to answer my questions, S.G.  Before I go, do you have any other advice that could help my friends and I survive the East Randomtown Zombie Apocalypse?

A.  I know this is expression was made popular in a movie but don’t forget the most important rule in dealing with the undead: always, always, double-tap! It goes without saying that you need to make sure those flesh-eaters stay dead this time.

As we touched on earlier, don’t trust the living either. Desperate times call for desperate measures.. Don’t believe someone if they say they haven’t been bitten. Check it with your own eyes.

Most importantly, don’t let the infection spread. Keep it contained, perhaps in the East Randomtown Mascots’ locker room.    *sigh*    I have been advised by my attorney to publicly apologize for my insensitivity to the East Randomtown Mascots and their fans.

Additionally, the plight of those injured or killed in the East Randomtown Zombie Apocalypse is a tragedy. It should not be taken lightly. It was not my intention to offend the good people of East Randomtown or their sports teams. As a gesture of goodwill, I am headed to East Randomtown now to assist in the containment and clean up from this catastrophic event. Perhaps I can convince some of the Phillies to come with me. They’re already armed, after all.

BQB EDITORIAL NOTE:  Thanks, S.G.!  We need all the help we can get!

Also, the action figure above was developed by Mark Neto of Markneto’s Mightiest Mego Super Customs.  Get your own custom action figure today.  You know you want one.

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Oct 06 2015
2 Comments
BQB's Zombie Apocalypse Survivor's Journal

BQB’s Zombie Apocalypse Survivor’s Journal – Day 6

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I was half-asleep, unsure of what time it was.  The only glimpse of light came when Alien Jones opened his glow in the dark eyes or when VGRF moved around while holding the space phone.

She had it on speaker.

“Hello!” came an automated message.  “You have reached the Pentagon!  If you are a terrorist, please stay on the line and an operator will be on shortly to take your location so we can blow you up and shit.”

“Ugh,”  VGRF said.  “You can never get a real person on the line anymore.”

“You’re being silly, babe,”  I said.  “You really think the Army is going to bother to help us?  All they’re going to do is keep the town under containment.  They’re not going to send a unit into an area teaming with zombies just to save a few people.”

“Oh please,”  VGRF said.  “You just want to keep this insanity going so you can up the hits on your precious blog.”

“VGRF!  How dare you imply I’d ever do such a thing?”

(I was totally doing such a thing.  10.5 readers, here I come!)

“This is a rare occasion where I concur with BQB,”  Alien Jones said.  “I’d prefer to keep the government out of this as much as possible.  One look at me and they’ll cart me off to Area 51.”

“Area 51’s real?”  VGRF asked.

“I’ve said too much,” Alien Jones answered.

The Esteemed Brainy One

The Esteemed Brainy One

“Grab another hat and some sunglasses and we’ll tell them you’re our kid,”  VGRF said.  “Or you can just poof yourself out of here.”

Alien Jones did have the ability to teleport himself away at any second.  It was a true sign of his support that he didn’t do just that and leave the rest of us hanging.

The Pentagon’s automated voice message system was back.

“If you are a United States citizen under attack, press one now!”

VGRF pressed one.

“Please state the nature of the attack.”

“Zombies.”

“I heard, ‘Taylor Swift wielding a club!’  If that’s correct, please press one.  If incorrect, press two.”

“How could this machine have possibly gotten that out of ‘zombies?'”  VGRF asked as she pressed two.

“Machines screw with humans all the time,”  Alien Jones said.  “They test your patience and take notes regarding your responses for the purposes of planning their inevitable takeover.  Same thing happened to the Moloklaxons.”

“Please state the nature of the attack again.”

“Zombies!  We’re being attacked by zombies!”

“I heard, ‘Rob Lowe is ordering a chicken to peck your eyes out!’  If that is correct, press one…”

“ARRRRGGGGH!!”

It was a VGRF’s turn to flip out.

“Just hang up,”  I said.  “Leave it to the zombie authors.  They’ll get us through this.  The government will just screw everything up.”

“Please state the nature of the attack again…”

“Operator!”  VGRF said.  “I want to talk to a person.”

“You have requested to speak to an operator.  Please hold.”

Elevator muzak.

“It’s catchy,”  Alien Jones said.

“You do realize Dr. Hugo did this on purpose, don’t you?”  VGRF asked me.

Dr. Hugo Von Science - incompetent hack, or cunning mad scientist hell bent on world domination?

Dr. Hugo Von Science – incompetent hack, or cunning mad scientist hell bent on world domination?

“What?”

“He’s always been bitter that scientists aren’t as beloved as celebrities,”  VGRF said.  “He turned those reality TV stars into monsters to start an apocalypse and spread chaos.”

“Get out of here,”  I said.  “Dr. Hugo’s just a tad scatterbrained.  So he didn’t adjust his invention properly.  Cut the guy some slack.  Sure, he might be borderline incompetent but he means well and he’d never do anything like this on purpose.”

“That’s just his schtick,”  VGRF said.  “He knows exactly what he’s doing.  Haven’t you read his columns?”

“Not really.”

“They’re on YOUR blog.  You should be reading everything on it.  Dr. Hugo is always listing his inventions, then ‘accidentally’ mentioning one invention that sounds like it could be used to take over the world.”

“Listen,”  I said.  “I get you’re upset, but I can’t sit back and allow you to tarnish the good name of the great Dr. Hugo Von Science.”

“She’s right,”  Alien Jones said.

“Excuse me?”  I asked.

“Video Game Rack Fighter is astute in her assessment,”  Alien Jones said.  “I read Dr. Hugo’s mind during the demonstration.  He fully intended to start a zombie apocalypse.  He plans to blackmail the government into turning over a hundred billion dollars in exchange for the zombie cure.”

“There’s a zombie cure?”  I asked.

“There’s a cure for everything,”  Alien Jones said.  “Had your human scientists spent less time developing erection medication and more time on other inflictions, they’d of realized this long ago.”

“AJ,”  I said.  “I’ve never believed that you can read minds.  I’m calling BS on that one.”

“VGRF is disgusted by the amount of time you spend on “Buttstravaganza.com” every day,”  Alien Jones said.

I felt my face burn with embarrassment.

“That’s…that’s absurd…I’ve never…”

VGRF confirmed it.

“All I’m saying is you’d think that when an intergalactic despot is threatening to take over the world if your writing career doesn’t take off, you might spend less time on the ‘Butt of the Day’ and more time on your novel.  Or at least respect me enough to erase your browser history!”

“That’s…that’s inconclusive,”  I said to AJ.  “That could be anyone looking at those butts.  You just guessed that.”

“You despise it when Video Game Rack Fighter clips her toe nails in the living room,”  Alien Jones said.

VGRF glared at me.

“Wrong,”  I said.  “There is absolutely nothing that this enchantress could ever do to upset me and OH MY GOD yes it’s so disgusting!”

“BQB!”  VGRF shouted.

“If you won’t do it in the bathroom like a normal person, would it kill you to at least do it over a trash can?  Meet me half-way here, woman!”

“I always pick them all up!”

“You THINK you pick them all up but then I always step on one.  And it’s usually the big toenail, the friggin’ big daddy of them all!”

“Humans, please,”  Alien Jones said.  “It was not my intention to cause turmoil in your relationship.  I simply needed to prove my mind reading capabilities so as to make it clear to you that Dr. Hugo was indeed the culprit in this sordid affair.”

“I can’t believe this,”  I said.  “Dr. Hugo Von Science.  My mentor.  The greatest scientific mind the world has ever known.  A columnist on my website a wanton criminal.”

“I’m sorry I had to be the one to break it to you,”  VGRF said.

“I have no idea who to trust now,”  I said.

“Pentagon Operator, how may I direct your call?”

“Hello,”  VGRF said.  “My friends and I are trapped in the middle of the East Randomtown Zombie Apocalypse.”

“Ma’am, it is a serious offense to file a false report with the Federal government…”

“Does this sound false to you?”  VGRF asked as she walked closer to the gate so that the phone would pick up all the zombie snarls and growls.

“Hold on,”  the operator said.

We waited a few minutes.

You're stuck in the middle of what now?

You’re stuck in the middle of what now?

“Ma’am, I’m told we’ve set up a special hotline for all reports stemming from the East Randomtown Zombie Apocalypse.  If you give me your number I’ll text it to you.”

“Oh for the love of…fine!”

VGRF made the same mistake I did, trying to read Alien Jones’ phone number off the screen.

“I think there’s three pyramids…”

She covered the receiver and showed the screen to Alien Jones.

“Is that a cat with a syringe?”

“It’s the sign of the Omnosphar Contingent,”  Alien Jones said.  “But that’s no matter.  Hang up, for I have already read the minds of your government’s officials and they have no intention of helping you.”

“Really?”  VGRF asked.

“Really,”  the Esteemed Brainy one said.  “They’ve determined that it is better to quarantine East Randomtown rather than allow any survivors to leave.  It is their hope that the zombies will just devour everyone and then each other until there is no sustenance left and they all die…again.”

VGRF’s face took a depressed turn.  She hanged up the phone.

“We’re doomed.”

“Not necessarily,” Alien Jones said.  “I will do all I can to get this group to safety.  The Mighty Potentate will expect nothing less.”

I grabbed the space phone.

“I need to consult one of the world’s preeminent zombie scholars about this.”

BQB EDITORIAL NOTE:  3.5 readers, you have no idea how many hilarious porn site names I thought up in order to write this post, checked to see if they’re real or not (for research purposes only, of course) only to discover the porn industry has no shame when it comes to using hilarious sounding names.  “Buttstravaganza.com” was the first one I came up with that does not exist, and thus it was used for fictional purposes in the story above.

Future reader of this post,  if somewhere out there, at some date in the future, some pornographers start up a site called “Buttstravaganza.com,” please know it did not exist when I wrote this.

I of course never frequent such horrible sites.  VGRF may be my soulmate, but she’s also a liar, liar pants on fire.  It’s all WordPress and Wall Street Journal for me.

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Oct 05 2015
5 Comments
#31ZombieAuthors

#31ZombieAuthors – Day 5 Interview – Perrin Briar – Three Zombie Series and Counting

perrin briar

FIND THIS ZOMBIE AUTHOR ON:

Amazon      Website

Facebook      Twitter

My guest today is Perrin Briar, the prolific British author behind a number of zombified book series, including:

Blood-Memory-Complete-Season-Small

Blood Memory – Jordan, who’s suffering from a six year gap in his memory, leaving him with no recollection of how a zombie outbreak started, joins the crew of the ship, Haven, but a shipwreck complicates matters.  The crew will have to leave the safety of the sea and step out onto land, where zombies aren’t the only monsters they’ll have to face.

Z-MINUS-High-Resolution-Book-1-Small

Z-Minus – Infected by a zombifying virus, a father decides to use his last hours of life to get his daughter to safety.

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Swiss Family RobinZOM –  A send-up of the 1812 classic novel authored by Johann David Wyss, now with zombies!

Previously, Perrin has written for BBC radio, and worked in the production and development departments of the BBC, ITV and Channel 4.

I appreciate you taking time out of your busy schedule to talk with me, Perrin.

NOTE: BOLD = BQB; ITALICS = Perrin

Q.   I love Swiss Family Robinson so much that when I saw you’d written a zombified adaptation, I had to get in touch. What motivated you to take this classic and throw hideous undead creatures into the mix?

A.   I really wanted to write a story about people surviving on an island. But there were already lots of books with that concept, so I wanted to add a unique spin to it. I was going through a list of books and films about surviving on an island, when I came across the classic Swiss Family Robinson stories. I like the idea of taking something we’re all familiar with and putting a twist on it in (hopefully!) a full and exciting way. I read the original books and watched the film and TV adaptations to get ideas, get a feeling for the characters, the tone etc, and took what I thought were the most interesting parts, and then developed them into a series of novellas. There’s a lot in my books you won’t find in the original (zombies being the obvious one!) and things in the original you won’t find in mine (the originals were morality tales to teach the author’s kids about the value of religion in their lives). I wanted each book to feature a different perspective of survival, and so far the response has been great. There will be a total of 11 or so books by the end.

Q. Have fans of the original Swiss Family Robinson book received it well?

A. Yes, the response has been really great. I was at first concerned the readers wouldn’t like what I did to the classic, so I only wrote one novella to test the waters. If the response was good, I would write the rest. Thankfully, people liked it and started asking about more in the series.

Q. Let’s talk about Z-Minus. Chris Smith hasn’t been much of a father. When he’s infected with a virus, he has eight hours to live before he turns into a zombie. He’s left with a hope that he’ll be able to spend the last bit of life he has left getting his daughter Maisie to safety. As a plot device, does it raise the stakes for the reader when time is of the essence and not a single minute can be wasted?

A. Yes, I think so. There are lots of TV shows and films that use the same device and it always ramps up the tension – mostly because the reader knows that at the end, the character will turn into a monster, but they’re willing to sit through the action until that moment happens. They know it’s coming, but not how it will happen. I originally had the idea for Z-Minus while thinking about how to create a new twist on an old idea. Usually zombies Turn within a few seconds or minutes of being bitten, so I thought it would be fun to play with that and extend it to eight hours, and see the gradual change coming over the characters.

Q. Also in Z-Minus, Chris has to race to get Maisie to a rumored zombie cure. In most zombie books/flicks, if you get bitten by a zombie or get a whiff of a zombie virus then boom. That’s it. You’re a zombie. Sorry. Thanks for playing. I think it’s creative that you went against the grain here and provided your protagonist with the hope of a cure. Does that add to the suspense, knowing there’s a chance at survival?

A. Book II of the Z-Minus trilogy was actually the original idea I had for the whole series. I felt it upped the ante. After all, if you only have a few seconds after being bitten to be Turned, there’s nothing you can do to save yourself. Whereas if you have 8-hours, anyone would do anything to get their hands on the cure, assuming it exists. The closer you get to the cure, the closer you are to turning into a zombie, and the weaker you are.

This concept is weaved throughout the Z-Minus trilogy. You’ve described Book I and II above, Book III raises the tension even more when Chris has eight hours to get Maisie to a science research vessel off the coast of Brighton so they can harness the cure in her blood before it disappears for good. But the cure has endowed her with other unforeseen powers too.

Keeping-Mum-Ebook-Updated-SmallQ.   Can we talk about Keeping Mum? The premise is that Peter and Kate Loveridge have to convince the tax-man that their mother, Hetty, is alive for one more week, lest they lose their entire inheritance. So Peter dresses and acts like his mother and then a variety of hi jinx ensue, namely his mother’s old flame comes into the picture. Sounds hilarious. Where did you dream up the idea for this one?

A.   It’s actually based on a real concept. We have a ridiculous law in the UK which is that if parents give money, property etc. to their children, then if the parents survive for seven years after the date of giving the money, the kids don’t have to pay inheritance tax on it. I knew there was a story there somewhere, but at the time I couldn’t figure out what it was. Then, a couple of years later I read a news article about a brother and sister in the US who were dressing up as their mother to draw her pension money every week even after she had died. It’s hard to have sympathy for characters who do this kind of thing, and for relatively little money, but what if it was for a large amount, and their anti-government parents actually wanted their kids to do it? That was interesting to me, so I married the two ideas into one.

Q. Some of your books, like Z-Minus show a serious side while books like Keeping Mum are funny. How do you balance the serious and the humorous when many authors usually choose to go in just one direction or the other?

A.  I feel every book exists on a kind of slide rule of various attributes. One slide rule is serious vs. humorous. Some are super serious without any humor, others hilarious and ridiculous. I think the best stories have elements of both. Where a story is on the slide rule depends on their genre, tone, pace etc. Keeping Mum is a comedy, but it’s dark – these guys have stuck their mother in a deep freezer for their own purposes, after all! Whereas Z-Minus and Blood Memory are dark, but with some lighthearted moments. Swiss Family RobinZOM is somewhere in the middle. I mostly balance them by the tone, how it feels, and how I want the reader to feel while reading my books. I often delete entire scenes or sequences if I feel they don’t fit the tone.

And listening to the right kind of music helps a lot!

Q. Perrin, thank you for your help. Before I go, do you have any advice for my friends and I on how to survive the East Randomtown Zombie Apocalypse?

A. Yes. Get into space! (Another idea I’m currently toying with!)

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Oct 05 2015
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#31ZombieAuthors

BQB’s Zombie Apocalypse Survivor’s Journal – Day 5

October 5, 2015

The photo Aunt Gertie uses for her various social media accounts, driver's license, passport and annual Christmas card.

The photo Aunt Gertie uses for her various social media accounts, driver’s license, passport and annual Christmas card.

Books. They’re where I turn to for comfort. I use them to get lost and separate myself from the otherwise drab world, made that much drabber thanks to a zombie infestation.

Turns out, Price Town had a good selection of them.

“What are you reading?” VGRF asked.

“Swiss Family Robinson,” I replied. “It’s a classic. Aunt Gertie used to read it to me all the time.”

“Oh my God!” VGRF shouted. “That’s awful.”

“No,” I replied. “It’s really great. It’s got a shipwreck and a monkey and…”

“No,” VGRF said. “Us. We’re awful. We forgot to check on Aunt Gertie.”

Panicked, I reached for the space phone and dialed the old folks home where she resided.

“I can’t believe you,” VGRF said.

“You could have reminded me!”

“She’s your Aunt!”

“But she likes you more!”

After a few rings, I was connected to a recorded message.

“Hello. Thank you for calling the Decrepit Oaks Assisted Living Facility. Our residents put the ‘do’ in ‘can-do.’ No one is available to take your call right now, so please leave a message at the beep.”

What the hell. I gave it a shot.

“BEEP!”

“Hi. This is Bookshelf Q. Battler. My aunt Gertrude Scrambler is one of your can-do residents. I know you’re probably knee deep in the zombie apocalypse right now but if you get a moment, can someone there ask Gertie to give me a call? My number is…it’s uh…”

I looked at the screen. I didn’t recognize any of the alien symbols it was displaying.

“Some kind of triangular thing stabbing a rhombus and I think that might be a pitchfork…no. You know what? Just let her know I called and asked about her and I’ll try back later. Thanks.”

Alien Jones walked by.

“The latest news reports indicate that phone service is out all over town. In fact, it’s believed that it’s only a matter of time before we lose…”

Every light in the store switched off. It was so dark I could only make out the fluorescent glow of Alien Jones’ eyes.

“…power.”

“Jinx,” VGRF said. “BQB, will you give up on this survivalist crap and call the Marines already?”

“I’ll think about it,” I said. “But first, I need to call…another zombie author.”

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