– Zombie randomly dressed like one of the Village people, making you wonder if his other three friends are ok.
“Ugh…..brains….BRAINS!”
– A zombie who apparently was delivering a pizza when he was bitten because he just carries a large pepperoni with extra cheese everywhere he goes now.
“Bahhhh….ack…reading your dumb blog turned me into a zombie…”
– Formerly one of the 3.5 readers
Everyone’s a critic.
What about the zombie authors?
I must say, the online indie/self-publishing community is awesome.
Here’s what I naturally assumed was going to happen:
BQB: Hi! I’m Bookshelf Q. Battler, owner of a magic bookshelf and best friend of an alien. Would you like to talk to me about zombies in October?
AUTHORS: Security!!!!
And here’s what’s happened (and literally mostly in just the past day):
BQB: Hi! I’m Bookshelf Q. Battler, owner of a magic bookshelf and best friend of an alien. Would you like to talk to me about zombies in October?
AUTHORS: Sure, what do you need?
Amazing.
And let me tell you, if all goes well, what a diverse group we’ve got lined up, 3.5 readers.
Authors just starting. Authors who are old pros. Romantic zombie authors. Zombie survival authors. Funny zombie authors. It’s a veritable zombie-smorgasbord.
I’m not sure if any of them want me to put them out there just yet, but I’ll get a lineup out there eventually.
Dr. Hugo Von Science, Harbinger of the Zombie Apocalypse
Also, I’m not at 31 yet and ideally, I’d like to get well above 31 because, you know, things happen. Maybe an author changes his/her mind. Maybe they become zombies themselves. Maybe they have to tend to their own survivor groups. Who knows?
So if you know a zombie author, please let them know.
Clarification
One question that comes up – does the author have to be available on a certain day in October?
Answer – No. I’m hoping to get every author’s post finished by the end of September so everything’s ready to run in October.
It’s like you’re in a TV show! You taped it earlier, but it doesn’t run until later!
A TV show with only 3.5 people watching.
Any Special Guests?
They’re all special.
Who Gets the Coveted Halloween End of Interview Series Post?
As I said above, they’re all special. I was surprised any of them responded, because, I repeat, I’m a guy who claims to talk to aliens.
That being said, I received a yes from two personal heroes who have really inspired this nerd to clack away at the computer keys, so All Hallow’s Eve is all theirs.
I’ll hold off on the details until there’s an official Zombie Author Roster.
Isn’t this awesome?
It really is. 3.5, we’re going to be talking the some of the greatest minds in the zombie-sphere. So many brains in one place. Keep the zombies away.
So what’s next?
Here’s where it gets tricky.
To those just tuning in, I’m on a one post a day challenge. One post on this blog every day for a year.
I’m thinking this zombie challenge really ups the game a bit. I will have to redouble my efforts because at the end of the day, I want these 31 zombie authors and their fans (zombie and human alike) to be happy.
So, roll up my sleeves I will. I have to make a spreadsheet just to keep track of all the authors and who I’ve asked what.
And zombie authors tuning in, the tough part will be coordinating my zombie apocalypse story with your interview.
I foresee each day will bring a new entry in BQB’s Zombie Apocalypse Survivor’s Journal.
Day 1 will be longer because it’s the set up of how BQB, VGRF and Alien Jones get trapped in the East Randomtown Mall in the midst of a zombie horde and have to make their way home.
Each day, BQB will update the 3.5 readers with the latest action in the apocalypse and then pause for a Q and A with a zombie author.
Some of those q’s will be advice on zombie apocalypse survival. That’s probably going to be depend on the individual authors. Hopefully, some will play along. Others I fear may just tell me that’s dumb, though hey, no one’s told me no yet so who knows.
What BQB asks will vary amongst the authors, so I’m going to have to do a lot of planning.
There will be questions about writing craft, self publishing, etc. which, ok, yes that’s silly. BQB, evil undead creatures are trying to eat you, why are you talking about writing?
That’ll be one of those “please suspend your disbelief” moments, 3.5.
What are your questions?
Readers, something like this rarely happens, so don’t waste it. What questions do you have for our zombie experts?
You might remember I proposed this idea in July and now September is rapidly approaching.
I’ve had some time to think about it, so if you’re a zombie author interested in helping Bookshelf Q. Battler and friends survive the zombie apocalypse this October, here are the revised details:
Q. What’s this now?
A. #31ZombieAuthors – (see hashtag on Twitter). I’m recruiting thirty one zombie authors to participate. There are thirty one days in October, so I’d like to interview one per day. Ideally, I’d like to recruit MORE than thirty one in case someone isn’t able to participate as planned (life happens and all) and if that leads to more than thirty one interviews, that’s great.
Q. And what is going to happen?
For thirty one days, Bookshelf Q. Battler (that’s me, I like to talk about myself in the third person) will write daily entries in his “Zombie Apocalypse Survivor’s Journal.”
The setup:
Bookshelf Q. Battler, his girlfriend Video Game Rack Fighter, and their alien buddy, Alien Jones aka the Esteemed Brainy One attend a scientific demonstration at the East Randomtown Mall (the shopping headquarters of our hero’s home town).
Alas, the demonstration is run by the mad scientist known as Dr. Hugo Von Science. Some say he’s incompetent. Others say he produces failed inventions for the purposes of spreading chaos. On this blog, we just know him as our humble science correspondent.
Long story short, Dr. Hugo’s experiment goes awry, the crowd of gawkers are turned into zombies, and BQB, VGRF and AJ go on the run in a desperate month long quest for survival.
It’s going to vary from author to author, but I propose anywhere from three-five questions. Maybe more or less but at any rate I’m not looking to be a burden on anyone’s time.
Some of the questions might be about zombie survival techniques. For example, BQB might ask you, as a noted zombie expert (after all, you wrote a zombie book) a particular question about how to defeat the zombies or how to survive, etc.
Also, this is a blog where writing and self publishing is discussed, so BQB might discuss your craft as well.
This is all meant to be lighthearted and fun, non-intrusive, and I really want everyone to walk away feeling as though their time was well spent.
When your day in October comes up, it will be something like:
“BQB’S Survivor Journal, Day 10, Today I was so concerned about the zombie epidemic that I spoke to Fred Smith, Author of Zombie Book.”
Q. I don’t know about this.
I don’t blame you. I’m a grown man who claims to be the owner of a magic bookshelf as well as the best buddy of an alien. Who wouldn’t kick the tires a bit on that scenario?
I get it. You’re running your own self-published author business. Your reputation is everything and you don’t want it being brought down.
Allow me to offer the following:
I’ll email you questions. You write back with your responses.
If you don’t like the finished post, and we can’t figure out a way to fix it that’ll make you happy, it’ll just come down. No problem.
Q. This isn’t like a typical blog interview I’ve done. Why all the interactivity?
I’m a big fan of Jimmy Fallon, who has successfully reinvented the stodgy, decades old late night talk show formula.
Remember Johnny Carson? What would happen? Some celebrity comes on, drones on and on about himself, Johnny pretends to be interested, Ed shouts out the occasional, “Ho, ho, ho, you are correct, sir!”
Jimmy plays games with his guests. Scar Jo comes on, guesses what’s in the box Jimmy’s holding, they have fun, I enjoy watching it and I’m reminded Scar Jo has a new movie coming out.
That’s the gist of what I try to do here.
With Alien Jones’ “Ask the Alien” column, twenty-one authors have asked the alien a question, and received plugs for their books and blogs in his answer.
Note that AJ has also given the “don’t like it, the post comes down” pledge and thus far, not one author has complained. Typically, they even tweet out, reblog and otherwise promote their alien interaction.
Q. I’m lost. What’s your blog about?
Here it is in a nutshell:
I’m Bookshelf Q. Battler. I own a magic bookshelf. When I put a book on it, the book characters come to life.
My friend is Alien Jones, an intergalactic emissary sent by the despotic space dictator, “The Mighty Potentate,” to answer questions in a column on my blog to raise humanity’s intelligence levels and prevent the spread of reality tv throughout the universe.
My girlfriend is Video Game Rack Fighter. We met while on a spiritual quest to consult the Great Guru about the meaning of life.
There are other ancillary characters who occasionally stop by, namely, The Yeti, Dr. Hugo, the ghost of my exceptionally grumpy uncle, just to name a few.
This blog is my chance to entertain my 3.5 readers.
Q. 3.5 readers?
It’s an ongoing joke. I can’t lie and tell you this blog is conquering the world, but it has been growing steadily since its inception in 2014. The gist of the joke is that as long as 3.5 people are reading, I’ll be motivated to keep writing.
Q. Can you tell me your name? I’d feel better about being interviewed.
A. Sure. My/BQB’s real name is Eduardo Ricardo Papageorgio Von Finkelstein.
Q. No. Your real name.
Oh! You’re talking about nasty rumors that Bookshelf Q. Battler, Alien Jones, all of these characters aren’t real and that some random guy behind the scenes is pretending to be everyone.
Ridiculous! Preposterous, I say!
In theory though, if that were true, a guy like that would probably prefer to keep himself on the down low, at least until his writing starts paying the bills, so as to not find himself being hauled into an HR meeting to explain why he claims to be best friends with an alien.
You’d be surprised how few people outside of BQB’s 3.5 readers have a sense of humor.
Q. Thanks, but I’d rather not be involved.
I understand, kemo sabe. I don’t want to harsh your mellow. We’re all just fellow travelers on this spaceship called Earth so you be you and I’ll be me, man. Far out. Groovy. You dig it?
Q. This sounds awesome. I’m in!
Huzzah! I’ll be in touch with your questions! Ideally, I’d like to get all 31 posts in the can by September 20 so it can all go off without a hitch once October rolls around.
And I’m still recruiting, so if you know any zombie authors, spread the word,
Q. But I’m not a zombie.
Humans who write about zombies are acceptable, but if there is a zombie out there who has managed to write a book despite decaying hands and lack of a thought process, he’s welcome as long as he promises not to bite me.
Hey everyone! You might remember in July I put out a call to recruit authors of zombie books to participate in a fun month long event in October – “31 Zombie Authors.” Each day, Bookshelf Q. Battler will present a new page in his Zombie Apocalypse Survivor’s Journal, featuring an interview with an author of a zombie book.
I haven’t forgotten you, zombie authors, and will be getting in touch with questions soon. In the meantime, here is how I foresee the story beginning.
FYI if you’re a zombie author and you want in, please let me know.
WELCOME TO THE EAST RANDOMTOWN MALL
Thank you for choosing to do your shopping here, instead of that damn Internet, which we’re sure is totally just a fad that will die out any minute now.
Three stores are still open and we asked the manager of the pretzel stand to stop spitting into the batter.
Also, the police caught that weirdo who was stabbing people at random.
Enjoy your visit and please tell your friends we’re still open.
No, seriously. Please tell them. PLEASE!
It was a chilly fall Saturday afternoon.
I’d been stressed out lately. Almost a year into a one post a day challenge on my website, “The Bookshelf Battle Blog,” and I was only at a mere 3.5 readers.
The bad news was that Aunt Gertie had given up on it, labeling it “too pedestrian.” Everyone’s a critic.
The son I never had.
The good news was that I gained a new reader to replace her, so it was a wash.
On top of reader recruitment woes, my attorney, Delilah K. Donnelly, had warned me that she was pretty sure that Jake Hatcher, my site’s Pop Culture Detective, wanted to pound my face flat for withholding the secret of his 60 year nap from him.
I needed a day off.
My girlfriend/video game correspondent, Video Game Rack Fighter, held my hand as we strolled past a whole row of empty stores, the steel gates yanked shut to prevent bums from turning them into makeshift condos.
“This place used to be jammed packed on Saturdays,” I said. “Bernie and I would grab a table at the food court and practice our beats all day long.”
Bernie Plotznick, my old East Randomtown High School buddy. In the late 90’s/early 2000’s, Bernie and I were a two-man rap duo known as, “The Funky Hunks.” If you like good rap, you’ve never heard of us. If you were a soccer mom around that time, you probably threw your blue denim stretch pants on our stage, as our non-threatening, goody two shoes style made us a hit with the over forty ladies’ circuit.
But I digress.
“I miss the arcade,” VGRF said. “My mom used to drive me and my sister here all the way from West Randomtown just to play.”
Randomtown began as a settlement in pre-USA colonial days. Alas, a split came when Zebediah Weston accused Jericho Eastward of oggling his sister’s ankles. War was declared, a bloodbath ensued, and the town was divided down the middle.
VGRF and I were from opposite sides of the tracks, but somehow we made it work.
“Pitiful humans,” came a low, baritone voice from my right side. “Outsource your economy to the machines and eventually they take control. This is exactly what happened to those dimwitted Moloklaxons, the…”
“We know, AJ,” VGRF interrupted. “The a-holes of the universe.”
“Exactly.”
Oh, if you’re just tuning in, I should inform you that the Mighty Potentate, the maniacal despotic overlord of a planet the name of which I’ve been repeatedly told is none of my business, has decreed that I am the chosen one.
Specifically, said all powerful being:
Is a big fan of fiction and scripted television
Was aghast when he discovered just how many reality television programs Earth has produced.
Fears that a day will come when Earthlings will learn how to broadcast this trash throughout the cosmos, thus turning other alien races stupid and replacing his beloved scripted programming with shows about models shopping for clothes.
Has dispatched his emissary, Alien Jones, aka “The Esteemed Brainy One,” a three foot tall green alien with almond shaped eyes and a bulbous head atop a skinny body, to help get my writing career off the ground by promoting my blog through an “Ask the Alien” column.
It’s a lot of pressure knowing that an extra-terrestrial dictator believes my fiction may one day prevent the dumbening of the entire universe. I try not to think about it.
Alien Jones usually beamed his columns to my blog from his ship and only visited my home, the Bookshelf Battle Compound, on Thursdays for Scandal night. It’s become a regular tradition. He brings the dip.
Other than that, this was the first time we’d gone out in public together.
The little guy was in disguise. Earlier, he dug into a box of old clothing Aunt Gertie had saved from when I was a kid and put on my “East Randomtown Mascots” baseball cap, a striped shirt, a pair of corduroy pants, sneakers and a little beige zip up barracuda jacket. A scarf covered most of his face.
He also borrowed VGRF’s sunglasses to cover his out of this world peepers. They were purple and girly, but Alien Jones doesn’t have any junk, so I don’t think he cared.
“AJ, are you sure it’s safe for you to be out here?” I asked. “I don’t want the government catching you and slicing you up or anything.”
“Fear not,” AJ replied. “If anyone asks, I am a typical Earth boy. My interests include super heroes, sports teams, and amphibians with martial arts training.”
The Esteemed Brainy One barged his way between VGRF and myself and reached his three fingered hands up to grab ours.
“We are an average Earth family on a visit to the commerce emporium,” Alien Jones said. “Anyone who implies otherwise will be vaporized.”
The key to the Mighty Potentate’s rule was his vaporization technology, which he used to turn anyone who disappointed him in the slightest way into a fine mist. As one of the MP’s trusted advisors, AJ was allowed to carry a vaporization pistol, though in any given week, the Mightiest of Potentates threatened to make AJ use it on himself unless his various missions were carried out.
My writing career was one of many MP mandated tasks AJ was juggling. I felt for the guy. He was swamped.
“AJ!” I said. “You didn’t bring your vaporizer with you did you?”
An old lady who’d been walking near us overheard me and ducked down in front of my alien.
“Vaporizer? Oh no, what’s the matter? Does this poor little guy have a cold?”
She reached under the scarf to pinch AJ’s cheek. VGRF and I looked at each other, unsure what to do.
“He does feel a little clammy.”
The thing you have to understand is that Alien Jones’ normal speaking voice sounds more or less like that smooth ass soul singer Barry White.
That’s pretty cool…unless you’re supposed to be a kid.
“Unhand me hideous creature.”
The old woman stood up, shocked and in a panic, practically ready to have a heart attack.
VGRF swooped in with a save.
“He’s got a sore throat,” she said. “And possibly ADD. We’re getting him tested.”
Befuddled, the lady walked away. We carried on.
“You know if you’re supposed to be a kid you probably don’t want to sound like you’re going to break out in a love ballad,” I said.
“Right,” the alien replied, and then after shifting his voice lower to mimic that of a little kid’s, added, “How’s this, daddy?”
Here, I should point out there’s little Alien Jones can’t do. Mind reading. Voice changing. You name it.
“Incredibly creepy,” I said. “And don’t call me daddy ever again.”
“AJ,” VGRF said, “What could possibly be happening at this mall that was so important to drag us out here anyway?”
As we closed in on the food court, the Esteemed Brainy One relinquished my hand, and pointed toward a stage.
On it, a video monitor had been set up.
Displayed on it were the words:
Today only at one p.m.
Infamous Inventor Dr. Hugo Von Science Presents His Latest Achievement:
The Reality TV Star Transmogrifier!
My diminutive friend returned to his bass voice.
“The Mighty Potentate demands I purchase every one in stock.”
The authors of zombie books or “zombie authors” are starting to express interest.
As you recall, this October, Bookshelf Battle will briefly become “Spookyshelf Battle” and if all goes to plan, 31 authors of zombie books will provide me with daily advice on how to escape the zombie apocalypse that will descend upon East Randomtown due to a Dr. Hugo Von Science experiment gone awry.
What questions do you have for our esteemed zombie author guests, oh wise 3.5 readers?
Not when you’re as big a fan of that holiday as I am.
And not when you’ve got a big idea in mind.
Today, my main squeeze Video Game Rack Fighter and I took a walk, did some shopping, and we stopped by a fortune teller who’d set up shop and was predicting futures at five bucks a pop.
VGRF talked me into it and, much to my shock, this mysterious gypsy lady with a kiosk next to the Orange Julius stand at the East Random Town Mall prognosticated the following:
That on October 1 of this year:
VGRF, Alien Jones, myself, and possibly The Yeti will take in a scientific demonstration by my mentor, the esteemed Dr. Hugo Von Science.
That Dr. Hugo, through his gross incompetence, will botch his experiment, thus causing a zombie outbreak to sweep over my hometown.
VGRF, Alien Jones, and myself will be left with no choice but to fight our way through the undead hordes until we reach the safety of the Bookshelf Battle Compound.
Perhaps we’ll even come up a cure for the zombie epidemic in the process.
But to get through this, we will need the assistance of 31, count em, 31 Zombie Authors.
ALIEN JONES: Zombie authors?! That’s ridiculous! They can’t even hold a pen.
BQB: No, I mean authors who have written self-published books about zombies. Though, hey, if there’s an actual function zombie who is an author, I’ll gladly talk to him as long as he promises not to bite me.
Every day, as a new part of the story unfolds, a self published zombie author will take a question from a member of our merry band of unlikely heroes.
Questions will mostly come from me, but Alien Jones and/or possibly the Yeti might have some inquiries. Maybe even Dr. Hugo will participate.
I’ve also heard rumors of this thing called “Women’s Lib” so hell, Video Game Rack Fighter will have some questions too.
Examples:
DAY 1 – We need some supplies. Author Fred Fredman of Super Scary Zombie Book, can you tell us the essentials of what a zombie apocalypse survivor needs to fend off the undead masses?
DAY 2 – The Yeti was just bitten by a zombie. Author Kate Katerson of Incredibly Frightening Zombie Book, do you know if zombie bites affect animals?
DAY 3 – We’re holed up in an abandoned shack and the TV’s working. Author Annie Annerson of You’ll Crap Your Pants if You Read this Zombie Book! Which zombie movie do you recommend we watch to pass the time and why?
I don’t know. Just some initial questions off the top of my head.
Heck, you non-horror authors could get in on this too. Submit questions you’d like to know about how to survive the zombie apocalypse and maybe one of the members of our survivor party will pass it along to an interested zombie author.
ANTICIPATED QUESTIONS ABOUT THIS IDEA:
1) Just self-published horror authors?
Not necessarily. If you’re a traditionally published zombie author, I’d love for you to participate as well. If you have a zombie blog or are some other kind of zombie writer, let’s talk.
Hell, if you’re George Romero, you can just take the blog over.
2) You do a lot of interactivity on this blog. Why a story? Why not just a straight-up interview?
In today’s rapid information age, anything fun is going to be checked out more than a traditional approach.
Take all the late night talk shows these days.
Long ago, all the stars would just sit on the couch and shoot the bull with Johnny and Ed. It was boring as hell.
We love stars but their stories about their acting method or the lunch they ate that gave them a tummy ache or whatever? Who cares.
Jimmy Fallon does hilarious bits with his guests instead. Be honest. Do you want to listen to Scar Jo babble about how hard it was to pretend to be whoever she just pretended to be, or do you want to see her play a rousing game of “Box of Lies” with Jimmy?
NBC – Box of Lies – The Tonight Show Starring Jimmy Fallon
I loved that. There you go. Scar Jo’s latest movie promoted. I’m left thinking she’s a ball of fun and I wasn’t bored with a story about her acting process.
“Let’s Promote Ourselves with Fun” is what I’ve been going for with Alien Jones’ “Ask the Alien” Column, and that’s what I’m going for with this idea as well.
3) So what are you looking for?
Your choice of length to an answer posed by myself or one of my buddies. I’d say 500 words or so sounds decent, but more if you’re willing.
We could come to an agreement on what question would be best for you. If you have one in mind you want to be asked, that’s possible.
4) Are you going to make me look stupid?
Your books, blogs, reputation as a writer, they’re all important to you, as they should be. I fully understand. Hell, I’ve put so much work into my persona as”Bookshelf Q. Battler,” I’d be unhappy if someone besmirched BQB.
I’d envision the post with:
A) A quick synopsis of what happened today (day of post) with BQB’s friends vs. the zombies.
B) A quick overview of you, the author, including links to your books and or blogs and or Amazon page (or wherever you’re selling them)
C) An answer YOU WRITE that I’m not going to change. They’ll be your words, so you can’t go wrong.
5) I’m still skeptical.
I don’t blame you. I’m a guy claiming to own a magic bookshelf and also that I’m an alien’s friend. It’s understandable that you’d want to kick the tires on this one.
To that end:
A) Alien Jones has had 17 satisfied customers in his Ask the Alien column so far. I’ve never received a complaint from an author who participated yet. Usually they’re pleased enough that they retweet or share AJ’s witty commentary on their own blogs.
B) Alien Jones has a “Don’t Like it and It Gets Taken Down No Problem Guarantee.” If it turns out you don’t like the post, let me know, and it’ll come down. If we can fix it to your liking, that’s great. If not, no hard feelings. I get that writing is a business and you have to do what you have to do. No muss, no fuss, no problem.
But luckily, no author has asked for that yet. And I believe that’s a sign that when you take part in this, you’re in good hands with me and my alien.
6) Keep talking.
At present, I have 1,250 (approx) WordPress followers, 5,400 Twitter followers, and over 500 Google Plus followers. All will be notified of your awesomeness.
7) I’m not one of your 3.5 readers, so I’m not up to speed on your blog and therefore unsure if I could respond to one of your friends’ questions.
No problem. Here’s the lowdown:
Bookshelf Q. Battler = the owner of a magic bookshelf where small versions of literary characters come to life and fight over limited shelf space.
Video Game Rack Fighter = Bookshelf Q. Battler’s girlfriend and author of a video game review column hopefully coming soon, if she ever comes up for air from playing Arkham Knight.
Alien Jones – The Mighty Potentate, ruler of an undisclosed planet, is displeased with the growing popularity of reality television. He’s a fan of scripted media and feels promotion of fiction authors is the only hope to stem the reality tv tide. To that end, the MP has dispatched his emissary, Alien Jones, to answer questions from self-published authors and in the process, make Earth a smarter place one question at a time. Alien Jones truly believes in this mission, and isn’t doing it just because the Mighty Potentate has threatened to vaporize him if he abandons his assignment before BQB’s writing career is off the ground.
The Yeti – An international war criminal and fuzzy snow monster, The Yeti is currently imprisoned deep in the bowels of the Bookshelf Battle Compound. However, BQB isn’t completely heartless and allows the big lug out once a week to watch Scandal. Alien Jones brings the bean dip.
Dr. Hugo Von Science – A distinguished professor of science at Science University, Dr. Hugo is this blog’s science correspondent and holds patents on over a bazillion inventions. We’re fairly certain he might be plotting a global conquest in his spare time, but his generally goodnatured demeanor covers up his underlying intentions well.
There you go. That’s the blog in a nutshell. It’s a labor of love for me, and it’s enjoyed daily by 3.5 people, one of whom is my Aunt Gertrude.
(There are some subsidiary, occasional characters. Uncle Hardass, the ghost of my grumpy uncle, shows up once in awhile to tell me to give up all of my hopes and dreams of becoming a writer and get a job at the salt mines. The Funky Hunks are a rap group I used to belong to and they show up now and then too. Oh, and a whole slew of tiny book characters live on my magic bookshelf).
Don’t get me started on Bookshelf Q. Battledog.
I don’t believe the subsidiaries will get involved but you never know. 31 days means I need to come up with a lot of ideas to keep a story going.
8) You had me until you said you have 3.5 readers. Doesn’t seem worth it.
“3.5 Readers” is an ongoing, inside joke for this blog. In the beginning, I really did only have 3.5 readers. But I pressed forward and now I have more. Like any blog, I have up days and down days. I’d say on a good day I get anywhere around 30-70 hits.
Views are often double, sometimes triple, the hit count and I believe this is because people who do find this blog like it enough to stick around and read some more.
At any rate, I’ll do what I can to make this a fun, month long Zombie fiesta. On my own, I’m going to be writing about The Walking Dead and the new Fear the Walking Dead and overall, if this works out, it’s just going to be 31 days of zombies.
9) What’s in it for you?
Cross promotion, basically. If you enjoy what you see here, I hope you’ll do want you can to point folks to my ramblings. Not required, of course. That’s about it.
10) So now what?
At this point, I’d just like to get the ball rolling. I’m starting early because to recruit 31 people to respond to a daily ongoing story is going to be like herding cats.
Right now, I’d just like to see who’s interested enough to let me know. If you want in, Tweet me @bookshelfbattle or tell me in the comments here.
You can send me a private message on Twitter too. Just tweet me to let me know you sent it so it doesn’t get lost in the mass of spam I get from folks trying to sell me timeshares, miracle ointments, and **Cough cough*** self published books.
I’d say by mid-August, if I can wrangle enough authors to be interested in this, then I’ll be able to see who’s who, what’s what and come up with better questions that would apply to various authors.
If it’s a go, I’d like to get questions to you late August, or September and have 31 posts in the can by the time October rolls around.
But then again, this could be a dumb idea.
If it fizzles out and goes nowhere, then hey, I tried. You’ve got to try, right?
Feel free to share with anyone you think would be interested. If I see enough interest, I’ll start getting in touch with folks with formal instructions at the end of the summer.
Leave me your thoughts, 3.5.
Until next time, this has been Bookshelf Q. Battler and Video Game Rack Fighter, signing off:
PREVIOUSLY ON BOOKSHELF Q. BATTLER AND THE MEANING OF LIFE…
PARTS 1-5 – BQB dies after passing lightning from his posterior, visits God’s Waiting Room where Shakespeare tells him to seek the meaning of life.
PART 6 – BQB wakes up in the hospital. His doctor, who bet against him, is out 100 bucks.
PART 7 – Tessa and Jean Paul apologize for the fracas that led to BQB’s unfortunate injury. They freeze up when Aunt Gertie enters the room because BQB’s bookshelf characters trust no one but BQB.
AND NOW BOOKSHELF Q. BATTLER AND THE MEANING OF LIFE CONTINUES…
One by one, over a hundred tiny lassos made out of dental floss were tossed up onto my bed, hooking onto various places – my pajama buttons, my fingers, the bed posts, and so on. And one by one, over a hundred tiny book characters climbed up on my bed, and then onto me, to check on my condition.
The Incorrigible Monroe, protagonist of a 1920’s novel of the same name, was decked out in his finest white linen suit. With a martini in his hand and a cigar in the other, he looked me over.
“I say Young Duffer,” the diminutive Monroe said with an air of upper crust sophistication. “I’d hate to see the other fellow you exchanged fisticuffs with.”
“It was a toilet,” I said. “I died on a toilet.”
“And like I said, Young Duffer,” Monroe said between cigar puffs, “I’d hate to see it.”
I always felt a special bond with Monroe. His novel was a heartbreaking tale of a man who spent his life as a notorious poser, accumulating wealth and spending lavishly on parties in the hopes that he’d win the heart of Jenny, a woman who had zero interest in him no matter how hard he tried.
I knew a thing or two about that.
The Three Musketeers plus D’Artagnan withdrew their swords, which at
D’artagnan should complain.
their size, were about as lethal as toothpicks.
“Enough of the petty squabbling among the inhabitants of your bookshelf, Mr. Bookshelf!” D’Artagnan said in a thick French accent. “Just say the word and we shall proclaim your shelf in the name of the King of France!”
“Why would I want my bookshelf to be claimed in the name of the King of France?” I asked.
“Because the cardinal sucks big time!” D’Artagnan replied. “You do not want your shelf ending up in the hands of the Cardinal!”
“I’m pretty sure it’s safe from the cardinal,” I said.
“If it’s all the same, we’re going to find some of the Cardinal’s men and kick their asses anyway,” D’Artagnan said.
“Knock yourselves out,” I said. “By the way, learn how to count. There’s four of you.”
I really need to get that book off my shelf.
Out of nowhere, a tiny zombie jumped up onto my nose and was about to sink its teeth into my schnoz when its head exploded. Behind him was Tiny Dirk Lane, holding a smoking pistol.
Dirk was the main character of The Shuffling Living. Set in a post-apocalyptic world with zombies run amuck, it was one of my favorite shows. I made the mistake of putting a book tied in to the show on my shelf and had been fending off puny one-inch tall zombies ever since.
“Thanks Dirk,” I said. “But if you’re out hunting zombies on the bookshelf tonight, can you keep it down?”
“What?” Dirk asked. “I’m supposed to just let the tiny zombies eat my friends?”
“No,” I said. “But you could grab a pencil off my desk and just slap them around with it instead.”
“I can do that,” Dirk said.
Good old Dirk. Always the voice of reason. I must have had a book based on the first season.
A buzzing sound filled the air. It sounded like the wings of a fly, but in actuality, the sound came from majestically small pegasus.
A minuscule fantasy queen was astride the flying horse. She landed her ride on my chest and addressed me in a royal manner.
Queen Anara “Annie” Mistwake, Keeper of the Legacy, Shimbala of the…blah blah blah. Wow she has a lot of friggin’ titles. This photo taken, of course, before her horse transformed into a damn pegasus.
“Akeeza doo walla walla chazza cho…”
“Please Annie,” I said. “Speak in the common tongue.”
“Very well,” Annie said as she dismounted her pegasus. “I am Anara Mistwake of the Family Zoovarin, Keeper of the Legacy, Shimbala of the Lowlands, Destroyer of Demons…”
“Oh my God,” Tessa said. “Not this spiel again.”
“Aunt of the Pegasus,” Jean Paul muttered mockingly under his breath.
“Aunt of the Pegasus,” Annie continued, oblivious to the peanut gallery. “Queen of the Kingdom of Wentzlendale, the Mountain Clifftops, and the Impenetrable Isles, Protector of the Enchanted Gems….
“Owner of a hundred green cloaks,” D’Artagnan added.
“Seriously,” Tessa said. “She needs to go shopping. I’ve never seen her out of that green cloak.”
“Like you never wear anything that isn’t black,” Jean Paul said.
“And the Oligarch of the Forbidden Fields,” Annie concluded.
“I’d add ‘Future Mrs. Monroe’ to her list of titles,” Monroe said. “But Jenny’s going to come around any day now.”
Tessa rested a hand on Monroe’s shoulder.
“Face it buddy,” Tessa said. “Jenny’s just not that into you.”
“Hello Annie,” I said. “You know you really don’t have to announce all of your titles every time you see me but go on. What’s up?”
“I come to propose a solution that will restore order to your bookshelf and prevent the various characters who dwell within your collection of volumes from stepping out and fighting one another while you slumber,” the fantasy queen said.
“Let’s hear it,” I replied.
“You simply transfer control of your shelf to my creator,” Annie said.
“Your creator?” I asked.
“Yes,” Dany replied. “The old man with beard and funny hat.”
Annie, of course, hailed from my favorite fantasy series of books, A Dirge of Murder and Betrayal. Her creator was none other than my hero, prolific writer and legendary uber nerd Joel LL Torrow.
He was known throughout the literary world for having no issue with wacking main characters left and right, often in unexpected ways. In fact, I had a theory that he was going to end the series by having Annie defeat all her enemies and be named Supreme Super Queen only to die from a bad staff infection after stubbing her toe.
Good Ole Joel “Wack a Dozen Characters Before Lunch” Torrow, BQB’s hero.
I looked out at the sea of tiny book characters standing all over me.
Every one of them appeared positively petrified at the idea.
“Well,” I said. “I suppose your creator does know how to get rid of troublesome characters.”
“No!” Tessa yelled.
“We’ll be good!” Jean Paul said.
“Promise?” I asked.
“We promise,” Tessa said.
“Yes,” Jean Paul said as he handed a stick of bubble gum to Tessa. “In fact, Tessa, please accept this piece of gum as a token of our truce.”
“Is it any good?” Tessa asked.
“It better be,” Jean Paul replied. “I double crossed the aardvark and sold out my siblings for it!”
Does BQB ever recover from his injury? Stay tuned!
Copyright (C) Bookshelf Q. Battler 2015. All Rights Reserved
(Though of course, The Three Musketeers belong to the ages)
Zombie, old man, fantasy woman and Three Musketeers images courtesy of a shutterstock.com license.
Bookshelf Q. Battler here. Tonight, The Siberian Yeti allowed me to watch one of my favorite shows, The Walking Dead.
It was the first time my super annoying house guest had ever seen the show. He liked it. All of the post-apocalyptic carnage reminded him of his home in Siberia, except the show is slightly nicer.
My observations, in no particular order:
Rick’s group members are coming in to their own. Glenn’s becoming skilled at leading beyond the wall. Abraham’s taking over as wall construction leader. Rick’s the new sheriff in town again. Noah’s trying to become an architect for the community.
Which is sad because that beginning scene where Noah expresses an interest in architecture was apparently a rouse to make us not think he’s about to become zombie lunch. RIP Noah. We hardly knew ye.
Eugene is developing some guts and good for him. He’s right! He did get the group to DC, albeit in a morally reprehensible manner.
Don’t mess with Carol.
Rick Grimes = other man’s wife smoocher = the new Shane?
Ironic that Maggie eavesdrops on Father Gabriel warning Deanna about Rick’s group. A few episodes back, Maggie told Gabriel off, leaving him so depressed he tossed away his collar. Could a little kindness from Maggie have kept his loyalty?
Gabriel’s warning plus Aidan’s death – will that turn Deanna and the community against Rick’s group?
What did you think about tonight’s episode? Discuss!
You know, I thought being held hostage by a dictatorial yeti would be a nice vacation, but it looks like I’m
Rick vs. Zombie – one of the more historic bookshelf battles.
blogging more than ever. Bookshelf Q. Battle Dog redeemed himself for failing to stop the Yeti’s intrusion into BBHQ by fetching me the Yeti’s Commodore 64, which I have hooked up to a gas power generator in order to connect it to the Internet.
So now it’s just me, my dog, and a suped up 1980’s computer in my basement, blogging away behind the Yeti’s back.
3.5 readers, forgive me for not wrapping up The Walking Dead this past Sunday night. I was in the middle of attempting (and sadly, failing) to kick the Yeti out of my compound.
Now I’ve had the chance to catch up. (TOKEN GRR ARGH SPOILERS NOTIFICATION)
Here are some observations, in no particular order:
Carol = the character who does things no one else wants to do in the name of survival. Often, those things are horrible, i.e. how she threatened that kid. Oh well, at least she offered to bake him cookies.
Michonne hanged up her sword. Say it ‘aint so!
Rick’s going to steal the Doc’s wife, isn’t he?
Sasha’s freaking out that no one is worrying.
Daryl might get civilized yet.
Do you have any observations you’d like to make? Post away. I will have Bookshelf Q. Battle Dog distract the Yeti with a festive dance number so that I can read your comments without Yeti interruptions.
Bookshelf Battle 