Alien Jones.
“Pardon me, Earth loser. Do you have any honey mustard sauce for my space nuggets?”
He’s on a two-fold mission:
1) Help get Bookshelf Q. Battler’s blog off the ground, thus introducing a writer who will stem the tide of reality programming. AJ’s boss, the Mighty Potentate, hates reality programming.
2) Answer questions posed to him in his “Ask the Alien” column, which he writes in an effort to raise Earth’s collective level of intelligence and help it overcome its label of “Dumbest Planet in the Universe.” (Theoretically, this could help with the anti-reality TV mission.)
Do you have a question for the Esteemed Brainy one? Submit it in the comments, tweet it to @bookshelfbattle or leave it on the Bookshelf Battle Google Plus page.
Together, we can stop the onslaught of reality programming, thus ensuring the Mighty Potentate’s eye holes won’t be offended by the likes of:
Reality TV Shows the Mighty Potentate Hates
1) Goat Martial Artists
2) Nazi Housewives of Kalamazoo
3) Flatulence Intervention
4) Who Wants to Marry a Clown? (As in an actual circus clown)
5) The spin off – America’s Next Top Clown (Clowns compete in a clown judged competition to be the nation’s favorite clown)
6) Dancing with the Hobos
7) Day in the Life of Insert Formerly Fabulous Now Elderly and Incompetent Movie Star, Singer, Other Entertainer
8) Satan’s Breakfast Nook (It’s like Hell’s Kitchen, but an angry chef yells at you that you’re scrambling the eggs all wrong)
9) Schmuck Island
10) Antique Ninjas (Not old ninjas but ninjas who go antiquing)
Alien Jones hates stupidity and intergalactic fast food workers who forget to put his honey mustard sauce in the bag.
He’ll have to get his own honey mustard, but let’s him help him answer some questions. Ask away.
As always, he’ll plug your book or blog in his answer.
Alien abduction image courtesy of a shutterstock.com license
Bookshelf Battle 
But I WANT to see “Flatulence Intervention!” One of my string of weird ex’es needs it…
On the other hand, I’ve been meaning to ask AJ whether a majority of aliens have weirdly wrinkled and shiny leathery skin, or if it’s just that somewhere in Hollywood there are warehouses full of unused Naugahyde that they have to work off.
Submitted to the Mother Ship
Bookshelf Q. Battler, how very flattered you must feel to have been selected to be the human emissary of Alien Jones and the Mighty Potentate.
My question is admittedly mundane, but it’s one I’ve been curious about for some time: As a vegetarian, I’ve become concerned that plant-life may also have intelligence and emotional lives. If so, do they resent being cultivated for human consumption and having the genetics of their offspring/offshoots altered?
Also–and please beg for tolerance from Alien Jones and the Might Potentate for my positing two questions rather than just one–is there anything digestible by humans that doesn’t resent being eaten and/or genetically modified?
Your question has been submitted to the Esteemed Brainy One.
Glad you are enjoying the site!
Indeed. It’s very imaginative, although I hope you’re sincere about the “Esteemed Brainy One.” I’d hate to be duped by yet another faux alien! ;D
How many faux aliens have you been duped by? Is this an ongoing problem?
Only with the men I date. One had me join the 501st and dress as a Storm Trooper. Hint for female Storm Troopers: Don’t wear makeup in your armor, as it will melt off because the material doesn’t breathe!
I’m gonna to have to see if Victoria Gloria is into that
Don’t ask unless you’re ready to see her without makeup and wearing an outfit with a codpiece.