By: The Yeti, International War Criminal/Fuzzy Snow Monster
The Yeti, Uninvited Correspondent/BQB’s Nemesis
Obligatory roar.
What is this, this Facebook nonsense that you pathetic Americans insist on foisting onto the world?
I got on to my super charged Commodore 64 and here’s what I found:
“Oh look at me, I’m eating a burrito for lunch! Let me take 507 photos of it and post them immediately.”
“Oh, yes, my smelly child said something adorable today. Allow me to tell you all about it in excruciating detail.”
“I spent my morning shopping for sandals. Aren’t I the incorrigible one?”
“Here’s my polarizing political opinion. Disagree with me and you are the devil!”
“When it comes to candy, I’m for it!”
“Look, my dog is adorable.”
“Ahh, here’s me with a drink in my hand. I am such a free spirit!”
“PATOOIE!” says this Yeti.
As you non-Yetis are aware, I was from Siberia. (At least I was, until my sworn enemy Bookshelf Q. Battler imprisoned me deep below the bowels of the Bookshelf Battle Compound for my International Yeti War Crimes.
(There was an incident. I tried to take down the Bookshelf Battle Blog to prevent it from spreading awesomeness across the globe. I believe the only forms of entertainment that should be consumed are Olga’s Stewstravaganza and my book, 101 Ways to Ration Your Toilet Paper).
Anyway, Facebook is just another dumb example of evil American capitalist exploitation. Sure, you all laugh and trade pictures of your lives on it, but Zuckerberg will have the last laugh when he uses your info to declare himself Emperor of the World.
Until then, I suppose you could check out Facebook.com/bookshelfqbattler – BQB’s Facebook Page
Like it and you’ll get BQB’s nonsense directly into your feed, though why you’d want to read more of that jerk face’s ramblings I don’t know.
Yes yes, you all have fun on your blogs and social media and so on, living carefree lives while ignoring the plight of smelly yetis everywhere.
All I want to know is how you all share your damn vacation photos and mundane anecdotes all day long without passing out from the boredom.
Want to know how we used to punish people in the Siberian gulag? We showed them our vacation photos and told them mundane anecdotes!
“Muah ha ha! Confess to your crimes against Siberia or I’ll tell you about that Diet Coke I spilled on myself and show you photos of the lasagna I ate for dinner!”
Foolish Americans. The fine videos provided by Paint Drying Media are the only form of American entertainment I like.
Bookshelf Battle 
Miss Jane (the rather prim and arch person I become when I say “Kimota!”) established a Facebook page way back with the hope of communicating with readers of her novels, but it was really so tiresome. However, she found it possible to stay connected to distant connections using this quaint tool and left her account active, so she now numbers among your followers. Perhaps she will resume posting when she buys a smart cloche or smacks another impertinent street urchin with the ferrule of her umbrella.
PS. Extra credit for knowing from “Kimota.”
I thought a ferrule was a pencil. Yeah, Facebook isn’t all that helpful as its cracked out to be.
It’s that pencil-shaped weapon at the center/tip of the umbrella.