Monthly Archives: December 2016

Zom Fu – Chapter 5

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Mei-Ling swung across the open expanse of the tower. Her trajectory took her lower and lower until she crashed through the bannister of the tenth floor. The silent warrior bunched up two ends of her robe and tied them tightly around the staff. She then backed up to the open edge of the floor, hopped backwards, fell and caught the bannister of the ninth floor with her hands.

Clear on the other side of the tower, Bohai and Junjie did the same. All three fighters fell and caught, fell and caught until they rejoined Niu and the master on the bottom floor.

Junjie, Bohai and Mei-Ling fanned out into a circle. They traded glances. They paced about. Mdi-Ling untied the staff and held it out in front of her as if it were a bo.

“Ha,” Bohai said. “Do you honestly think that the Clan of the Sacred Yet Inscrutable Tiger Claw will take orders from a woman?”

Mei-Ling furrowed her brow at Bohai.

“Brother,” Junjie said. “Our sister has made it to the ground with the staff. The test is over.”

Bohai’s nostrils flared. “This is over when I say it is over!”

“This is over when the master says it is over,” Junjie said as he looked to the old man. “Master?”

The old man shrugged his shoulders. “Meh. I could watch for a little longer.”

Two razor sharp swords hung on the wall. Boohoo removed both weapons and tossed one to Junjie, who caught it by the handle.

“I will fight no further,” Junjie said as he dropped to his knees. “Bohai, join Niu and I in yielding to the Twentieth Infallible Master.”

Niu perked up. “Oh, I have not yielded yet brother. I am still in this fight.”

“Idiots the both of you,” Bohai said. “Especially you, Junjie. What? You think if you just hand Mei-Ling this power she might give you a little kiss?”

Embarrassed, Junjie cast his eyes toward the floor. “I have given her nothing.”

Bohai turned his attention to Mei-Ling. “If you’re still alive after this, I’ll let you be my chamber maid.”

Many fighters would have felt the sting of Bohai’s insult, but Mei-Ling ignored it. She raised the Staff of Ages up just in time to absorb Bohai’s attack.

Clang, clang, clang! Bohai and Mei-Ling clashed in a series of spectacular blocks and thrusts, some of which caused sparks to fly as metal struck jade.

“Oof,” Bohai said as he took the ruby end of the staff to his stomach. Bohai fought through the pain and launched a kick at Mei-Ling. It connected and sent the silent warrior flying backward.

Amidst the confusion, the staff fell out of Mei-Ling’s hands, skittered across the floor and bumped into Niu’s leg.

The big man opened his eyes and looked down and reached for the treasure. “The fates giveth…”

Junjie stepped on the staff, preventing Niu from picking it up.

“…and the fates taketh away,” Niu said as he closed his eyes and returned to his mediation.

When the handsome hero picked up the staff, the ruby glowed brightly, almost blindingly. Junjie tried to look away but he couldn’t. He was mesmerized.

The grunts and smacks of the fight between Bohai and Mei-Ling snapped Junjie out of the trance. Bohai assaulted Mei-Ling with sword swing after sword swing, but Mei-Ling ducked and dodged the blade with perfection.

Junjie tossed the staff to Mei-Ling. As soon as she caught it, the ruby’s light went dark.

Bohai looked at Junjie. “Pathetic!”

Slam! Mei-Ling bashed the ruby end of the staff up against Bohai’s head. Enraged, the smarmy warrior hurled himself into the air, performed an airborne somersault, then connected his feet to Mei-Ling’s torso, sending her to the ground.

The crushing blow caused Mei-Ling to drop the staff.  Miraculously, it landed right in front of Niu again.

The big man smiled and reached for the staff.  “The fates favor me once more.”

Alas, the master was too quick for Niu in reclaiming the coveted object.

“Make up your mind, fates,” Niu muttered.

“Mei-Ling!” Junjie cried.

“You cannot interfere now that you have submitted, my son,” the master said calmly.

Bohai had Mei-Ling pinned. As he straddled her, he held out his hand as if it were a tiger’s claw, twisting it to and fro as if he were turning the lid of an imaginary jar. If Mei-Ling was afraid, she didn’t show it as she remained stoic as Bohai’s claw hand came closer and closer.

The master banged the end of the staff on the floor. “Enough!”

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Home Alone Wouldn’t Hold Up Today Because of Harry and Marv

Hey 3.5 readers.

Me again with another Home Alone observation.

So, when this movie came out in 1990, the general consensus among the public was that if you were in someone else’s home and you weren’t supposed to be there, then you deserved to get bashed in the face with a paint can, get a nail through your foot, get your head burnt with a blow torch, get a tarantula dropped on you, get shot in the penis with a BB gun, break your back by slipping and falling on ice and toy cars, have your hand burned and so on.

I should know because I was a kid who saw this film in the theater and let me tell you – white, black, young, old, rich, poor, conservative, liberal, or what have you, every one was laughing at those two and the general consensus was those two got what was coming to them and good for Kevin for giving it to them.

Sigh.  I feel bad there is so much division today when in 1990, we all were able to come together and agree that burglers deserve to be tortured mercilessly and caused multiple life threatening injuries by precocious children.

Today?  Eh, people feel sorry for criminals today.  If Hollywood ever remakes the movie, they might either scrap the abuse received by Harry and Mary altogether, or at the very least, they’d devote a portion of the film to explaining how “the Wet Bandits” turned to a life of crime.

You see, in the 1990 film, Harry and Marv were one-dimensional caricatures of criminals, a pair of incompetent bumbling buffoons who found great joy in ripping people off all day.

In a remake, you’d probably learn that Harry and Marv used to be pillars of the community, but alas they lost their jobs, couldn’t find work and ended up burgling houses in order to save up enough money to buy second-hand suits to wear to job interviews.

Kevin would feel bad for misjudging the poor souls.  He’d give them a meal and some of his Dad’s old suits and hide them from the cops and let them live in his basement until they find jobs and become pillars of the community again.

Either that, or Kevin would be sued by greedy trial lawyers for all the damage he did to Harry and Marv.

“Your honor, my clients were just a couple of poor men who fell on hard times and while they are truly sorry for burgling the McAllister home, did they really deserve the brain damage they were caused by taking those paint cans to the face?  I think not.”

Hey, if it is any consolation, this movie started a Joe Pesci-renaissance.  This movie was the first time I ever saw Pesci in anything.  He’d been in a lot of films before but then after Home Alone he pretty much got a part in like every 1990s gangster movie, so there’s some trivia for you.

What say you, 3.5?

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Zom Fu – Chapter 4

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Mei-Ling took a deep breath, stretched out her arms and delicately balanced her feet on the rope. Slowly, she put one foot in front of the other. As she walked, she swayed a bit to the left and a bit to the right, but was always able to correct herself each time.

Meanwhile, Bohai had ended the standoff with Junjie with a bo staff smack to Junjie’s jaw and was springing from bannister to bannister up the tower once more. Junjie remained in hot pursuit all the way to the eighteenth floor.

The Staff of Ages was within Mei-Ling’s grasp now. Her movements became a precarious dance. She kept her left arm straight out as she grabbed hold of the staff. A feeling of pride overwhelmed her, but there was no time to celebrate. Her ears filled with the sounds of fellow students at battle, prompting her to press forward.

“Bahh!” Bohai shouted as he kicked at the bannister. Junjie threw himself in front of the wooden railing and caught his opponent’s foot.

“Step aside,” Bohai said.

“Never,” Junjie replied.

The handsome hero delivered a roundhouse kick that knocked Bohai to the floor. Seeing his opponent on the ground, Junjie did not hesitate to pin Bohai down and deliver a deluge of rapid fire punches to Bohai’s face in rapid secession.

Bohai rolled out of the attack and jumped up to his feet. Both men traded punches.

“Damn you!” Bohai shouted. “Your loins have ruined your brain!”

“Your lust for power has ruined yours,” Junjie replied.

“Get out of my way,” Bohai said.

“Think of what you are doing,” Junjie said.

“I will stop at nothing to get what is mine!” Bohai shouted as he pounded Junjie’s face.

“You’d even kill one of us?” Junjie asked.

Bohai’s eyes lit up as if they were on fire. “I would kill all of you and step over your graves to rule this clan!”

With that, Bohai performed a backflip kick that grounded Junjie.

Out on the tightrope, Mei-Ling was holding the staff straight across in both hands, using it to keep her balance. Her concentration was broken when Junjie screamed.

“Mei-Ling!”
The acrobat didn’t turn around. Her situation was much too precarious for that. Instead, she gripped the staff with her left hand, then leaned down and grabbed the rope with her right.

Crack! Bohai kicked the the bannister into splinters and Mei-Ling plummeted rapidly.

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RIP Zsa Zsa Gabor

Hey 3.5 readers.

Sad news as Zsa Zsa Gabor has passed on at 99.  Perhaps you’ve seen her a rerun of Green Acres, but as a Professor of Pop Culture, allow me to explain her appeal.

She was pretty much the first person to be famous for the sake of being famous.  The first “celebutante.”  Without Zsa Zsa, you wouldn’t have Paris Hilton, Kim Kardashian and so on.

Feel free to argue about whether or not that’s a good thing, but at least Zsa Zsa carried a sitcom.  What have Paris and Kim done for us lately?

Zom Fu – Chapter 3

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“Perhaps we should discuss this first,” was the last thing Junjie managed to say before his mouth was shut by Bohai’s foot.

Junjie brushed the blood from his lip with the back of his hand, nodded at his opponent and asked, “So that’s how it is, is it?”

“It is,” Bohai replied as he cracked his knuckles.

“So be it,”Junjie said.

The two men paced to and fro like a pair of hungry jackals until Junjie threw a punch. Bohai caught it with his left hand then attacked Junjie with his right. They became locked in an attack and deflect pattern for several minutes until Junjie finally landed his fist on Bohai’s face.

“You have no idea how long I have wanted to do that, brother,” Junjie said.

“Ahh,” Bohai said as he spit blood out of his mouth. “You have no idea how long I have wanted to do…this!”

Bohai lunged for Junjie’s arm, gripped it, and flipped Junjie into the air before slamming him to the floor.

A grounded and dizzy Junjie looked to his right to find Niu sitting perfectly still on the floor, meditating with his eyes closed.

“You’re not interested in becoming the Twentieth Infallible Master?” Junjie asked Niu.

“Oh I am,” Niu answered. “But if I am meant to have the staff…”

“…then you will have the staff,” Junjie said as he leapt to his feet and quickly dodged Bohai’s foot.

“You are daft as you are humongous, Niu!” Bohai shouted.

“Perhaps I am the last one you should be worried about,” Niu said as he pointed a finger toward the ceiling.

Bohai and Junjie looked up to find that Mei-Ling was already five floors above them and easily jumping up to the sixth.

The master laughed. “Hmm. Perhaps the first female Infallible Master’s time has come.”

Bohai performed a running jump to the second floor’s wooden bannister, grabbed it, stood upon it precariously, then jumped up to the third floor bannister. Junjie followed, nipping at Bohai’s heels.

The chase was on. Junjie remained just below Bohai until the tenth floor when Bohai decided to improvise and stomp his foot down on Junjie’s head. Knocked off balance, Junjie let go of the bannister and began to fall until he grabbed Bohai’s leg and yanked him down with him.

The duo fell through the air for a few levels until they rolled to the right and crashed through the fifth floor bannister.

Back on the ground, the master was lecturing his most gigantic student.

“I am disappointed that you are not in this, Niu,” the master said.

“I am in it,” Niu said with his eyes still closed. “If I am destined to lead then I will.”

“Sometimes I think my foot is destined for your ass,” the master said.

“If your foot is meant for my…”

“Silence!” the master shouted. The old man looked up to see Mei-Ling moving higher and higher.

“Children!” the master shouted. “Have you found the toys I have placed around the tower? Play nice with them!”

On the fifth floor, Junjie and Bohai spotted a couple of the toys in question hanging on the wall. Junjie seized a pair of nunchucks while Bohai claimed a wooden bo staff.

“Stand down before I destroy you, Junjie,” Bohai said.

“You are not worthy of the Staff of Ages,” Junjie replied. “Your disrespect of the master has proven that.”

“It is mine by right,” Bohai said. “I am the best!”

Junjie gripped one end of the nunchaku and used it to twirl the other end by the metal chain. “Prove it.”

The pair had a stair down for a while. Finally, Bohai brought his bo staff through the air in a sweeping motion. Junjie cracked his nunchaku against the staff, deflecting the attack just in time.

Attack and deflect. Attack and deflect. Eventually, Bohai managed to get a jab in against Junjie’s chest. Not to be outdone, Junjie answered the hit with a nunchaku smack against the side of Bohai’s face.

Down below, the master and Niu listened to the commotion.

“I have done nothing but show you kindness since we were children and you have done nothing but mock me for it!” Junjie cried.

“How can I make you better if I don’t point out every one of your many, many flaws?!” Bohai asked.

“Hmm,” the master grunted. “Those two have some issues to work out.”

“If they are meant to work them out then…”

The master interrupted Niu. “No one likes a fatalist know-it-all, my son.”

“Perhaps they aren’t intended to, master,” Niu said.

“Ugh,” the master said as he slapped his forehead.

Up above, Mei-Ling was now on the eighteenth and final floor. There she found a bow, an arrow, and a coil of rope. She tied one end of the rope to the bannister and the other end to the arrow.

The tower was circular in shape, little more than an extra large cylinder. Mei-Ling could see the Staff of Ages hovering just underneath the skylight, but it was much to far too reach with her hands. So, expert markswoman that she was, she took aim at a wooden support beam on the other side of the eighteenth floor, fired, and scored a direct hit.

In doing so, she created a taut tightrope. Now she just had to walk it.

However, as she leaned over the bannister and looked down to see how tiny Niu and the master looked from this height, she realized that the feat she was about to try was easier said than done.

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Zom Fu – Chapter 2

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The Infallible Master released the staff, but it did not fall. Instead, it floated slowly – up, up, up towards the top of the tower. The quartet watched as the coveted symbol of power hovered past the stone figure of Longwei, the clan’s founder and first master. Longwei’s humble nature, as evidenced by his wide grin and thoughtful eyes, had served as a source of inspiration for countless generations of disciples.

The staff continued its ascent, passing a different stone preserved master along the way. The seventh master, the eighth master, the ninth master. Good men but all three presided over the clan during times of peace. Peace makes for happiness but provides little in the way of interesting stories.

Aiguo, the Tenth Infallible Master, was a particularly angry and foul mouthed leader. His scornful, contemptuous visage masked a deep love of his country and emperor. He wasn’t remembered for being very kind, but was revered for the role he played in aiding the Emperor with the resolution a bloody civil conflict.

Eleven, twelve, thirteen…the staff finally rested near Cheng, the Eighteenth Infallible Master and Yaozu’s immediate predecessor. Due to his buck teeth and crossed-eyes, Cheng was also considered the ugliest of the Infallible Masters Past, but he was still very much beloved all the same.

“Life and death,” Yaozu said. “These are the diametrically opposed forces that the Staff of Ages bends to its will. Just as it extended the life of so many masters, so too did it extend my existence well beyond my natural lifespan, thus allowing me to share my wisdom with the clan for many centuries.”

The Infallible Master basked in the sunlight peaking in through the window in the ceiling. “When I expire, a new level will constructed. The next master will use the staff to preserve my remains in stone so that I will be able to join our ancestral leaders in watching over the clan.”

“A well-deserved honor, master,” Junjie said.

The master shrugged his shoulders. “Meh. It’s kind of creepy if you ask me. Personally, I’d rather my carcass be burned but what are you going to do?”

“Very good, master,” Bohai said. “But enough with the song and dance. Let’s get my staff down here so I can stone you up and start running this place.”

The master chuckled. “I’m not dead yet, my son. The staff will still be mine for as long as it chooses to keep me alive. Maybe a few days, maybe a year, maybe a decade. I do not know. All I know is the staff demands a successor and therefore, I deduce that it has selected the day upon which my mortality will no longer benefit from its protection.”

Bohai rolled his eyes, then began to walk away. “Yeesh. Thanks for wasting my time then. Call me when you start to feel sick.”

The master stomped his foot and shouted, “Bohai!”

The cocky fighter stopped in his tracks and turned around to face his leader.

“What makes you so sure that you will be chosen as the Twentieth Infallible Master?”

Bohai snickered. “Why wouldn’t you choose the best?”

“Are you the best?” the master inquired.

Bohai’s head looked as though it might explode with rage. In his mind, he was so clearly the right choice that he could not comprehend the master’s inability to see it.

“Is it not obvious?” Bohai asked. “I train the most. I study the most. I know the most.”

“You are formidable,” the master said. “But no more than your contemporaries based upon my observations.”

“Bah,” Bohai scoffed as he looked away.

The master stepped towards the brash young man and looked him in the eye. “You make a mistake…”

“The only mistake I made was staying in this clan for so long,” Bohai said. “Surely there are other clans that would recognize my accomplishments.”

The master’s face filled with sadness. “There aren’t as many clans as there used to be thanks to Dragonhand, young one. Be thankful you have found a home here filled with people who care for you, despite your best efforts to exasperate them.”

“The Clan of the Mystifying Monkey Slap would be happy to have me,” Bohai said.

The master openly guffawed. “Oh young one. We masters differ in our teaching methods. Whereas I prefer to allow my students to make their mistakes so they may learn from them, the Vengeful Master would have cut out your insolent tongue and monkey slapped you with it by now.”

Junjie butted into the conversation with an “Ouch.” Niu followed it up with, “The fates would almost certainly cause that to hurt.”

As usual, Mei-Ling said nothing.

The Infallible Master paced about the floor. “Now Bohai, before I was so rudely interrupted, I was about to tell you that you make a mistake in assuming that I choose the next owner of the Staff of Ages.”

“Who chooses then?” Bohai asked.

The master pointed a finger toward the high ceiling underneath which the staff was hovering. The ruby was glowing red once more.

“Why, the staff itself, of course.”

The students looked at one another. The master clapped his hands.

“Have at it,” the old man said.

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I Feel Like the Parents Could Have Done a Better Job of Calling Someone to Help in Home Alone

 

Everyone I talk to about the movie is always like “Why didn’t the parents do this or that” but if you haven’t seen the film in a while, they do tie up a lot of loose ends:

  • The phone lines go out so the parents can’t call Kevin directly.
  • All the neighbors leave for the holidays so there aren’t any neighbors to call.
  • Obviously, the parents call the police, but the cops are parodied as incompetent donut munchers who aren’t helpful.
  • One wonders why they didn’t call the elderly neighbor that the kids think murdered his entire family.  I realize a person rumored to have murdered his entire family probably wouldn’t be your first choice to help your kid but one would think the McAllister parents would have been wiser than the kids and would have known that the old man is just a grumpy old man and not a murderer.
  • So if your local police department won’t help, wouldn’t the parents have called the state police, the FBI, or just keep calling law enforcement agencies until someone locates Kevin?
  • Is there no adult in the area they could have called?
  • What about the mayor’s office or the governor’s office or something?
  • Does Kevin go to school?  What about like calling the school and see if they’d talk to the police to do more?
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What was your favorite film of 2016?

3.5 readers, what was your favorite movie of 2016?  Have I reviewed it yet?

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Movie Review – The Nice Guys (2016)

BEST SURPRISE OF THE YEAR 2016

Don’t you love it when there’s a movie without much buzz, that you aren’t expecting much out of, then it turns out to be awesome?

The Nice Guys. It’s the 1970s and these two dudes are down on their luck losers who end up becoming a crime solving duo. I was a little disappointed by the ending but otherwise, it brought the laughs.

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Once in awhile a movie I haven’t heard too much of surprises me and this one is it.

Comedy. Action. A little bit of history/1970’s nostalgia. Rapid fire humor.

A depressed, drunken detective teams up with a leg breaker for hire to search for a missing porn actress.

BQB here with a review of The Nice Guys.

It’s the late 1970s. Ryan Gosling is Holland March, a private detective with a penchant for booze who doesn’t mind billing his clients but doesn’t have a lot of follow through when it comes to solving crimes. He gets paid just the same.

Jackson Healey (aka Russell Crowe) beats the crap out of people for money and in his free time, gets depressed over the wife who left him.

When a porn actress goes missing, they team up to take the case.

Many jokes ensue, some going so fast if you don’t concentrate…

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Movie Review – Now You See Me 2

THE NO, REALLY, REALLY, SERIOUSLY THIS WAS THE WORST SEQUEL OF 2016 AWARD

Oh “Now You See Me 2.”

What the hell. The first film’s premise was dubious at best but I rolled with it because the special effects were fun and magicians on a heist seemed at least like an attempt to be original.

But really, the first film was a one and done. The sequel might have worked had they not just recycled the villain from the first one. The effects are still there, but…meh.

File under: Now you see me fall asleep.

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Abracadabra!

Hollywood just made two hours of my life disappear.

If you don’t want SPOILERS to appear, look away.

BQB here with a review of Now You See Me 2.

Some critics made fun of it but I actually liked the first Now You See Me.

Sure, the plot, the “magic” and everything that happened in the movie was highly unlikely…but in a time of rebooted reboots of sequels to reboots, IT WAS *GASP* AN ORIGINAL IDEA!

If you missed the first one, check it out. Basically, a group of magicians (the Vegas performer kind of magicians, not to be confused with pointy hat wearing wizards) called “the Four Horsemen” use their magic skills in Robin Hood style, robbing from a corrupt/rich insurance company tycoon played by Michael Caine and giving to the poor.

So I was up for a second one and…meh.

Yeah. I’m sorry but “meh.”

Razzle dazzle…

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