Bookshelf Battle

Sniff sniff.

Oh God.  They finally made a movie about my life.

I mean, I’m not British and I wouldn’t set foot near a ski jump if you paid me but still…I am a nerd who knows the harsh oppression that nerds face when they seek to make their dreams come true.

SPOILERS!

BQB here with a review of Eddie the Eagle.

Michael “Eddie” Edwards had one dream growing up – to become an Olympian.

That’s a lofty goal for anyone but especially for him.  He was in a leg brace for most of his early childhood and even had to stay at a hospital for a year.

As a youngster, he tries his hand at every sport only to fail miserably and end up with a box full of broken glasses.

Miraculously, he does make it onto the British downhill ski team only to be cut.  Eddie is poor…

From the far reaches of space, aliens travel to Earth…

…to remind me that I am now old as f%&kT and have accomplished very little in 20 years.

Although in my defense, neither has the world! So there’s that.

SPOILERS abound.

BQB here with a review of Independence Day: Resurgence.

The year was 1996.

Bill Clinton was in the White House, chasing interns around the Oval Office with his pants around his ankles and turning Monica Lewinsky into a human humidor (Google it, millennials. It’s too disgusting to go into further detail.)

The Beastie Boys were laying down some of their ill-est shit.

The sentence “Bill Cosby gave that lady his pudding pop” could only have been construed as “that nice comedic father figure was kind enough to give a woman the delicious frozen snack treat that he endorses.”

The Internet was in its infancy.  It was a cute toy but…

Guns. Horses. A town in trouble. White hats and black hats.

BQB here with a review of The Magnificent Seven.

So yesterday I railed against Hollywood reboots and now I’m going to be a hypocrite and tell you that I really enjoyed this remake of The Magnificent Seven (1960) starring Yul Brynner (dead), Charles Bronson (so dead), Steve McQueen (a badass even in death), Brad Dexter (also dead), James Coburn (totally dead), Horst Buchholz (the German James Dean who, like the American James Dean, is dead,) and Robert Vaughn (still alive, huzzah!)

Admittedly, I never saw the original, so the new version was new to me, which just goes to show that reboots are always new to someone and when the inevitable Back to the Future reboot comes out and some dumb kid asks, “There was an original BTTF?” then I will know my time has run out and it…

There’s a girl.  There’s a train.

That’s it. Goodnight everybody.

Oh ok, I’ll write a review.

SPOILER ALERT.  “The Spoiler on the Blog.”

BQB here with a review of The Girl on the Train.

Rachel (Emily Blunt) is a booze fiend. Big time alcoholic. Loves the sauce. Mmm…drinky drinks get in my belly.

Every day she rides a train that passes by the homes of two couples that she’s unable to stop thinking about.

One couple is Megan (Haley Bennett) and Scott (Luke Evans).  They appear to live an idyllic life as happy lovers and remind her of the marriage she lost due to her alcoholism.

Ironically, she’s so depressed that her boozing destroyed her marriage that she can’t stop drinking.

SIDENOTE: Haley remains a Jennifer Lawrence doppleganger and has absconded with yet another part from J-Law. First The Magnificent Seven, now this.  3.5 readers, if you look like J-Law…

So a hot babe and a short man walk into a bar…

BQB here with a review of Jack Reacher: Never Go Back.

Author Lee Child has a loyal following for his Jack Reacher novels which chronicle the life of an ex-Military Police officer as he wanders the earth and solves mysteries, beats up bad guys, and rattles off quips and one-liners.

I’ve never read them but people who have tell me they’re excellent.  A few told me that when the 2012 Jack Reacher film came out, their main disappointment was that Tom “Shortest Man in Hollywood” Cruise was cast to play a man who, according to the books, is nearly seven feet tall and all muscle.

And just throwing it out there – there probably aren’t a whole helluvalot of parts out there for an aspiring actor who is close to seven feet tall so the Cruise Missile probably…

Ho ho holy moly.  I can’t believe they made another one.

BQB here with a review of Bad Santa 2.

OBLIGATORY SPOILER WARNING.

The year was 2003.  George W. Bush was in the White House, the clubs were playing Fifty Cent’s In Da Club on a continuous loop (which frankly, they should still be doing even today) and a little Christmas comedy movie called Bad Santa turned out to be unexpectedly hysterical.

So naturally, in this age where Hollywood hasn’t had a new idea in awhile, they had to take another dip in the Bad Santa well.

Billy Bob Thornton reprises his role as Willie Stokes aka the worst Santa ever.  His diminutive friend/elf Marcus (Tony Cox) is out on parole after double crossing Willie in the original film, but now he’s back and recruits Willie to go on a new Christmas heist.

Even worse, Willie’s foul mouthed degenerate mother…

You must remember this, a yeti I did kiss…but it was against my will!

But I won’t bore you with the behind the scenes hullabaloo of being a Yeti hostage.

France!  Morocco!  Ooo la la!  BQB here with a review of Hollywood’s first Oscar bait movie of the season, Allied.

OBLIGATORY SPOILER WARNING.

In early 1940s French Morocco, Canadian spy Max Vatan (Brad Pitt) meets French lady spy Marianne Beauséjour (Marion Cotillard).  The duo become immersed in a whirlwind romance as they hunt Nazis together and bone in a gratuitous manner.

Alas, when they marry and head off to England, Max’s superiors begin to suspect Marianne of pulling double-duty as a spy for the Nazis.  Thus, Max is charged with the unenviable task of sniffing out the truth.

Fans of the Golden Age of Hollywood will be very impressed with this film.  With the French Morocco scenes, its almost as if we are…

Here’s looking at you, 3.5 readers.

I watched Casablanca a year ago with the intention of reviewing it for this glorious blog.  I’d seen it before but my mind needed a refresher.  Alas, as Rick and Ilsa’s song reminds us, “time goes by” and writing a review of this masterpiece slipped my mind.

Luckily, seeing Allied gave me a refresher.

So without further ado, BQB here with a review of Casablanca.

Do I need to give a spoiler warning?  You’ve had over seventy years to watch this flick.

And if you haven’t watched it yet, you should, because it holds up.

(In all seriousness, this is a review for people who have seen and loved the film.  If you haven’t seen it yet, stop reading, go watch it, then come back here.  Otherwise, you’ll be disappointed).

The set-up?  At one time, Morocco had been (owned, occupied, colonized, swiped, insert the…

Holy Crap, 3.5 readers.

Once in awhile a nerd blogger gets to discover something that is under the radar and share it with his 3.5 readers so that they too may take part in the joy.

And my new joy is…Ip Man!!!

Put on some loose clothing and start practicing your sweet kung fu moves, because BQB is here with a review of the Ip Man movie series.

OBLIGATORY SPOILER ALERT

I’ve seen this movie on Netflix for years and like many films, I just shrugged my shoulders and went, “Meh.”  Due to my lack of understanding of the Chinese language, I assumed “Ip Man” was some kind of superhero.  I thought the title was “IP man” as if he saves artists from the infringement of their intellectual property or something but no.  I was wrong.

I’ve long been a fan of martial arts movies so I finally…