Hey 3.5 readers. Did you know that I am an expert pickup line writer? I can’t use them myself, unless I use them all on Video Game Rack Fighter, but here are some pickup lines that, well, I can’t tell you if they will work or not.
If you are feeling adventurous, feel free to use them, though my lawyer advises the Bookshelf Battle Blog will take no responsibility for any injuries, physical, mental or otherwise, that you sustain due to using them:
#1 – Hey baby. I have a 401K. Bask in my financial responsibility.
#2 – I’m a time traveler sent here from the future to get all up in dat phat ass.
#3 – Wanna play hide the pickle? No, really, I’m talking about a cucumber that was soaked in brine for an extended time period.
#4 – There’s a hamster in my pocket. Want to pet it?
#5 – Are you from Heaven? Because I need an angel to save me. No seriously, I’m a depressed meth addict without a job or a place to stay and I really need you to save me baby.
#6 – Can I buy you a drink and/or possibly multiple drinks? How much alcohol do you need to ingest in order for me to appear remotely attractive?
#7 – I made a sex tape once. Critics called it “the best comedy of the year.”
#8 – I fart. You fart. Let’s fart together.
#9 – Damn baby are you a whale because that is one back I’d like to hump.
#10 – Baby, what’s your sign? Mine’s vagitarious.
#11 – Care for some cunnilingus? I’ve got my own miner’s helmet with the flashlight built in. Perfect for spelunking.
#12 – Your face makes me believe anything is possible. Do you think us rubbing our nasty bits together would be possible?
#13 – Do you believe in love at first sight or should I walk by you three trillion more times?
#14 – My mom’s with her bridge club so I have the apartment all to myself tonight.
#15 – There’s a party in my pants and you’re the guest of honor. Get in there and get your cake, girl.
#16 – Arr! I be a pirate and I claim yon booty for me, arr!
#17 – Let me just put it in for a minute thirty. Pretend I’m a hot pocket and you’re a microwave.
#18 – I do laundry. I will wash that outfit and press it after you leave it all over my floor tonight, girl.
#19 – Let’s get married right now and figure out if we like each other tomorrow
#20 – I just went to Taco Bell and I’ve got about a half hour until my butt explodes. Let’s do this thing, baby.
#21 – I promise I have no STDs. Literally no woman has ever touched my penis, so it is completely safe.
#22 – I always light a scented candle after I let one rip.
#23 – Why haven’t you made my dinner yet?
#24 – Baby take a ride in my Toyota Corolla.
#25 – I would like to take you for a drive in my weird looking 1970s era, non-descript white van.
#26 – All my ex-girlfriends told me that it was them and not me. I felt that was really big of them to be able to admit their personal failings.
#27 – What’s your sign? “Open for Business” hopefully.
#28 – Am I really that ugly or am I just abstract?
#29 – So, do you live around here? No, seriously, can you draw me a map to your house and write down what times you are sleeping?
#30 – I do magic!
#31 – Have you met my ventriloquist dummy?
#32 – I think there’s a coin behind your ear…
#33 – Pull my finger.
#34 – Do you twerk? Because I know a class that can teach you…
#35 – I look fabulous when I’m covered in cheese whiz.
#36 – Hey look! Two boobs, no waiting!
#37 – Do you want to see my impression of a motor boat?
#38 – Would you care to see my lair?
#39 – Free mustache rides!
#40 – Free discount gynecology exams!
#41 – Hello. I’m Donald Hump. Want to make my penis great again?
#42 – I’d love to take you on a romantic vacation but my parole officer says I’m not allowed to leave the state.
#43 – They broke the mold when they made you, but I’d love to fix that mold and make another you, you know, one that I could just feel up and not have to listen to her babble or put up with her bullshit or anything.
#44 – You. Me. A hot tub and a vat of orange marmalade. No, you can’t know what the orange marmalade is for. I don’t even know what it is for. I’m just improvising as I go along, baby.
#45 – Pardon me, ma’am but are those yours or did you steel with two of LeBron James’ game balls?
#46 – Eh, come on. If it isn’t me it’s just going to be some other asshole.
#47 – Do you like my beard? I drew it with a magic marker.
#48 – I have money. Lots of money. Just take my word for it. No, you can’t look at my bank records. Where’s the trust?
#49 – Of all the babes in this bar, you are the hottest one that I just happen to be sitting next to.
#50 – I just took a breath mint so I’m good to go.