Hey 3.5 readers.
BQB here.
I’m in the home stretch of BQB’s 101 Writing Prompts book.
In the book, I invite readers to write stories based on the prompts and publish them on their blogs and Tweet me the links.
If anyone is interested, I’d love it if anyone wants to choose a prompt and blog their response. Maybe the first week the book is out I could put your prompt based writings right here on this fine blog.
Anyone who wants to partake of my prompts, let me know.
Another cover for another book I have yet to finish writing.
“Oh hey, did you hear about BQB? He ended up in the poorhouse, spent all his dough on book covers for books he never finished writing. What an asshole.”
Oh well, what say you 3.5 readers?
Ahh, the face hole – the best and the worst of human body cavities. It lets us talk and eat, but at times, it can also smell like a butt, aka the worst of body cavities.
Does your breath stink? I’m not a dentist but I play one on this blog. From BQB HQ in Fabulous East Randomtown, here are the Top Ten Reasons Why Your Breath Stinks:
#10 – Throat Gremlins
Sad, but true, tiny creatures have been known to set up shop in a human throat and party hearty. Soon, they start to stink and that stink comes out of your pie hole. Ten out of ten scientists who attended science school in Barbados will agree with me on this.
#9 – Demonic Possession
It happens. You’re taking a nap, minding you business and without realizing it, a damn demon has set up shop in your body. It makes you scream, swear, belch, fart, projectile vomit on everyone, it’s a whole mess. Even worse, they make your breath stink. Consult your local Catholic priest for assistance.
#8 – A Small Animal Crawled Into Your Mouth and Died
People often say, “Yeesh! What crawled into your mouth and died?” to a person with stank breath. Little do these people know that this often happens. Mice, rats, bats, porcupines, armadillos, frogs, lizards. It doesn’t even have to me a small animal. I knew a dude who once fell asleep and a damn emu crawled into his mouth and bought the farm. Always post signs around your sleeping area to notify animals on their last legs to go find another mouth to crawl into and die in because yours is off limits.
#7 – Oniony, Garlicky Foods
Truly, a Sophie’s choice. Do I want to eat something delicious or do I want to avoid stink breath? Eh, just be honest. If you look like a butt, then you might as well eat something delicious and smell like a butt. Having minty fresh breath won’t make you look less like a butt.
#6 – Butt Pranks
If you’re a member of a frat, chances are one of your frat brothers has placed a butt on your face while you are sleeping. Remember, always lock your door and wear a catcher’s mask while sleeping to avoid butt pranks. We here at the Bookshelf Battle Blog do not condone butt pranks or any other type of inappropriate butt related behavior of a butt like nature.
#5 – You Licked the Toilet Seat Again, Didn’t You?
How many times must I tell you to stop doing that? Bad reader. Bad, bad! Get some help.
#4 – You Don’t Brush
There’s no magic cure for weight loss or to fix a variety of health problems, but sticking that brush in your face hole and wiggling it around for a while a few times a day can do wonders for your tooth health. Take advantage of one of the few things that people can do to improve there lives that actually works.
#3 – You Don’t Floss
Your job isn’t done after brushing. Brushing doesn’t get all the shit left between your teeth. One time I didn’t floss my teeth for an entire year and learned that in the interim, the mob had started using the spaces between my choppers as a dumping ground for whacked snitches. When I finally began flossing again, each time I’d stick the floss between my teeth and boom! Hey, it’s Vinny Boombotz! :::Floss::: Hey! It’s Mickey the Squirrel! :::Floss::: Oh my God, it’s Sal the Tuna!
#2 – You Don’t Use Mouth Wash
Brush, floss, then finish up the trifecta. Get mouthwash. The stronger the better. I prefer Listerine. Don’t just do one swish and spit it out. Let it sit there in your mouth as you imagine the mouthwash molecules all look like a young Robert Duvall in Apocalypse Now. Picture each molecule as a helicopter pilot coming in to drop minty fresh napalm on all of the germs in your suck hole. “Oh, how I love the smell of minty fresh napalm in the morning.”
Um…if one of my 3.5 readers is Vietnamese I apologize for that metaphor. I didn’t even write it. It was the Yeti.
#1 – You Never See the Dentist
I know. No one enjoys going to see the dentist. But these fine tooth doctors can clean up your choppers, shine them up good and help you combat any suck hole related problems you may be suffering from. Stop avoiding your dentist. Your suck hole will thank you, as will the people who have to breathe the air in the vicinity of your suck hole.
Explosions. Destruction. Mayhem. Vin Diesel’s big bald head.
BQB here with a review of xXx: The Return of Xander Cage.
SPOILER ALERT…I mean, if you care about that sort of thing when it comes to a movie like this.
So, I came up with some alternate titles for this stinker:
But I digress. You know, despite my snarky titles, I actually did enjoy this film to an extent. It’s pretty tight, as action movies released in January go, though I admit that isn’t saying a lot.
When the new millennium was young, Vin Diesel hit the scene with movies like The Fast and the Furious and xXx. He was also in Pitch Black, arguably the best thing he’s ever been in, largely because the role called for a creepy, enormous dude with a deep voice.
Since then, he’s shown love to the Fast and Furious franchise by returning in Fast Five and now there are so many of those damn movies I have lost count. He’s shown love to Riddick but in my opinion, Riddick was at his best in Pitch Black and though 2013’s Riddick was acceptable, 2004’s Chronicles of Riddick was a giant stink burger.
Now Vin’s back with a new xXx installment. Back in the early 2000’s, extreme sports were in. Parachuting. Dirt bike racing. Bungie chord jumping. All those things that beautiful idiots do because for some reason, the world looks out for them a little more whereas I stub my toe regularly while walking from the kitchen to the bathroom and thus I’m sure I’d die instantly if I tried to jump out of a plane.
I digressed again. The idea behind the xXx character was that Vin would be an extreme sports loving, American badass version of James Bond, but with more appeal to the youngsters.
I don’t want to say the film flopped. As I recall, it was a blockbuster. But it was also forgettable. Over the years, I’ve seen it while flipping channels and ended up watching it out of a feeling of nostalgia, mostly as it reminds me of a time when I could have made fun of Vin because I had more hair than he did.
Sigh. Stupid hair.
Another digression. This go around, Xander Cage is recruited back into action when…oh God, I don’t know. You know how these movies are. Some stupid thing has been stolen by some piece of shit bad guy and the good guy has to get it before the bad guy does evil shit with it.
Donnie Yen steals the show as Shang. Is Shang a good guy? A bad guy? It’s complicated. All I know is you get to see his sweet kung fu moves. Donnie remains one of my heroes for proving that you can still be a badass even when you are no longer a member of the highly coveted 18-35 year old demographic.
A bunch of youngsters and one old dude are added to Xander’s support team. I assume a bunch of Hollywood suits decided that Vin was getting a little long in the tooth and needed some fresh faces in the mix. Honestly, the only one I recognized was Ruby Rose of Orange is the New Black fame. Oh and I hear she’s big in Australia. I have no idea what Australian films she’s been in. As an American, I assume that Australian TVs show kangaroos fornicating with koala bears 24/7.
Toni Collette stars as…a good guy? A bad guy? It’s also complicated. She’s made up to look like a hot blonde chick but kind of ends up looking like an old hooker that no one told there’s an age limit to hookery. Although, do keep in mind I think that’s what the intent behind the character was.
Blah blah blah. Shit happens. They fight. There’s some bad CGI that looks like it was drawn in crayon.
Throughout the film there are numerous jokes and references that harken back to the first and second films. Although they are meant to be humorous, I just sat there in the theater wanting to hang myself because I have lived such an uneventful life low these past fifteen years that my brain had plenty of room to recall moments from a forgettable, throwaway 2002 film.
Samuel L. Jackson (Augustus Gibbons, xXx’s handler in the first two films) and Ice Cube (Darius, or the agent who took over as a xXx agent in 2005’s xXx: State of the Union) provide the best cameos of the film. They were so good in fact that it made me wonder why the Hollywood suits didn’t just cut out the supporting cast and come up with a blockbuster script revolving around Diesel, Jackson and Ice Cube worthy of a release date outside of January. Then again, not to spoil it, but there’s a part at the end that leads me to believe they may go that way.
There’s a scene where Vin flirts with CIA tech nerd Becky (Nina Dobrev). It’s played straight and humorous but in my mind it looked like an old man trying to pick up one of his daughter’s friends or some shit.
Sigh. I worry about Vin. One day he’ll age out of these action roles and it’s not like Hollywood will ever let him do Shakespeare so I don’t know what he will do.
Oh wait. He’ll roll around in all of his money. Good for him. You know, I’ve never really known what to make of Vin Diesel. Part of me thinks he’s this big, hulking, dumb cro-magnon jock that just gets to be in movies because of his muscles. Then again, his face is kind of ugly and he doesn’t exactly have a look that Hollywood normally welcomes, so as the ambassador of the #OscarsSoPretty movement, I applaud the Vinster and I hope that yes, one day Hollywood will let him perform Shakespeare and/or be in something that could potentially lead to him getting a gold statue that is as bald as he is.
“Forsooth…uh…uhh..someone get the peanut butter.”
STATUS: Borderline shelf-worthy. Worth a rental.
Hello 3.5 readers.
Many of you may be unaware of this, but in my spare time, I dabble in the fine arts of proctology and have even been named an Amateur Proctologist by a noted correspondence school.
Does your butt hurt? If it does, you’ve got to get on that. A hurt butt left to chance is a disaster, not only for you but for anyone unlucky enough to be standing within your blast radius when it goes off.
Note that I’m talking about “hurt butts” and not “butt hurt.” Butt hurt is when you experience emotional pain so deep that you end up feeling it in your butt.
I’m talking about actual hurting butts. From BQB HQ in Fabulous East Randomtown, here are the top ten reasons why your butt might be hurting:
#10 – Alien Probes
Alien Jones informs me that this experimental method of human butt research has been banned, but there are aliens who have been known to go rogue all over human butts. If your butt hurts, it may be because aliens snuck into your room and inserted all kinds of devices filled with bells, lights and whistles.
If you think it is possible that you have been probed by aliens, I would suggest that you set up surveillance cameras. If, in the morning, your butt hurts, check the footage to see if any aliens were in your room. Note that some aliens have Predator style cloaking devices, so you will have to look at the footage closely for the tell tale shimmer.
#9 – Wrong Toilet Paper
Take a look at your supermarket’s butt wipe aisle and you’ll find a smorgasbord of toilet paper. Butts are like Goldilocks – sometimes they’ll find a paper to be too soft or too hard. Your butt needs to keep looking until it finds the paper that is just right. If you are using coarse sandpaper on your butt, you’re doing it wrong.
#8 – Parasites
I told you not to drink that rain puddle water and/or to not make out with your dog but you just didn’t listen, did you? Report to your doctor for immediate tapeworm removal. Don’t look at me. I’m just an amateur.
#7 – Getting Your Butt Kicked
Did you hit on someone else’s girlfriend? Did you stick your nose some place where it didn’t belong? Did you insult someone? Then problem solved. That giant shoe that connected with your butt is the reason why your butt hurts. Put some ice on your butt and learn some manners.
#6 – Wiping Revisited
You might be doing it wrong. Maybe you have the right toilet paper but the wrong technique. Your butt is very sensitive so you must gently caress your butt as if you are touching it with the wings of an angel. Don’t just stick a wad of toilet paper up your butt and go all jackhammer style. That’s a good way to end up with a bad case of roids.
#5 – Lightning Infused Toaster Pastry Toilet Death
Totally happened to me. If you shoot a lightning bolt out of your butt, you will destroy your toilet, your life, and your butt. Beware breakfast foods that have absorbed lightning, hurricanes, tornadoes or other catastrophic weather events.
#4 – Olympic Flatulence Competitions
Pictured above is East Randomtown Mayor Harvey Smotchenbocker. Though he is a world class athlete who is able to shoot fire out of his butt, he has undergone years of training, thus allowing him to flex his butt muscles so as to shoot fire out of his butt without causing himself any damage. I advise you to leave such flatulence theatrics to the professionals and to not try this at home.
#3 – Ingrown Butt Hairs
It happens. Sometimes a butt hair grows rogue and causes all kinds of damage. My best advice is to find a trustworthy friend who is willing to do you a solid and keep your butt hair trimmed.
#2 – Brazilian Wax
Ah, the Brazilians. They have given us so much. Restaurants where they serve meat on swords AND super clean nether region waxing. It’ll hurt today, but your butt will be totally smooth tomorrow…or the next day…or the day after that…whenever the swelling goes down.
#1 – Botched Colonoscopies
You don’t get to eat for a day before, you’ve got to take all kinds of laxatives or do whatever your doctor instructs you. Then a giant camera attached to what can only be described as a leather octopus tentacle is shoved up your butt. Done just right, it won’t hurt at all. However, if your butt doctor just jams it up there and wiggles it around like he’s beating a bowl full of cake batter, then it will probably hurt. Luckily, butt doctors go to school to practice their butt inspection techniques to avoid this problem.
CONCLUSIONS
I’m just an amateur so don’t take my advice. If your butt hurts, seek the wise counsel of a professional butt doctor. Women, you never know what’s going in your butts and the men staring at them can only tell you what’s going on outside of your pants. Men, you’ve got those prostrates so get them checked before the Big C sets up shop.
A good butt doctor can save your life and keep you being one of my 3.5 readers for many years to come.
World Renowned Motivational Speaker, Anti-Suck Book Author and Bookshelf Battle Blog Columnist, Vinny Baggadouchio
I’m Vinny Baggadouchio and I’m an anti-suck robot sent from the future to teach you present day suckers how to not suck anymore.
Perhaps you’ve read one of my fine anti-suck books:
Six Sigma Certified Non-Sucking
Raise Your Hand if You Don’t Want to Suck
Hug it Out, Suck it Out
De-Suck Your Way to Greatness
The Good, the Bad and the Sucky
Get this Suck Out of My Life (and Into My Car)
The Art of the Non-Sucking Deal
A Million Little Suck Pieces
Sucks to Be You
Suck No More
Suck or Suck-cess?
3.5 readers, today’s question comes from Larissa Smatchencraft from East Buttfork, Wisconsin:
Dear Vinny,
I am a huge fan of your anti-suck books. I have attended all of your seminars and worked through all of your anti-suck lessons. I want you to know you have helped me to stop sucking at my job, my marriage and in so many other aspects of my daily life.
I have a question though. Is it ok to suck at certain things? For example, the other day I was walking down the street and I found a wallet just lying there on the sidewalk. It contained a hundred dollars in cash, but the idea to take it for myself never even crossed my mind. Instead, I used the ID inside to track down the wallet’s rightful owner. He was pleased as this was the only money he had and he needed it to purchase his prescription strength anti-anal wart flare up cream.
As I walked home, I was pleased with myself for having done a good deed. Then it dawned on me: “I suck at dishonesty.”
You’ve always taught me that I should not suck in all things and yet, it seems like dishonesty is something I should suck at.
The question blows my mind but I’ll go ahead and ask it anyway…is it possible that not sucking at certain bad behaviors is a good thing?
Congratulations, Larissa. The student has finally become the master.
Make no mistake about it: the general rule is that it sucks to suck. It sucks so much to suck that I have dedicated my life to helping suckers all over the globe in their efforts to suck the suck right out of their sucky suck bag lives.
Most of the time, my clients come to me in extremely dire, sucky straights. They are lonely, poor, addicted to a variety of unsavory behaviors and more often than not, huffing anything from soiled ladies’ undergarments to model airplane glue. I actually had a client who would dip the ladies’ undergarments into the model airplane glue, but that’s a terrible tale for another day.
The point is that I usually try not to bog down the sucky minds of big fat suckers with confusing concepts. When you suck so much that you can’t even tie your shoes without sucking it up, you can’t handle the more complex lessons found in my advanced courses of anti-suck studies.
What I am about to tell you is such a giant piece of vital, crucial information that frankly, I should charge you for it. But I won’t. Because I don’t suck. And I don’t want you to suck so you must have this knowledge.
Here we go:
Sometimes it is good to suck at something.
I know. Sounds like blasphemy, right?
But follow me on this.
THINGS YOU SHOULD NOT SUCK AT:
Makes sense right? There are so many good things in this life that you should not suck at.
Then again, and here’s where we swallow the red pill and follow Alice down the rabbit hole so hang on, there are many things that you SHOULD totally suck at if you want to be a decent, well-adjusted, happy and productive non-sucking citizen:
THINGS YOU SHOULD TOTALLY SUCK AT:
Think about that time when you found the wallet, Larissa. You’ve followed my anti-suck lessons and turned your life from sucking to non-sucking. You didn’t want to suck it up by doing something that sucks, like stealing money from a stranger who needs it for his anti-anal wart flare up medication.
You were confused, so listened to your gut – a gut you have trained through my many, many anti-suck lessons. Though, in theory, you have learned that in most cases, you should NOT suck at something, you realized in this case, it would, indeed, suck to be good at something…dishonesty!
In my advanced courses, the ones I reserve for only the creme de la creme of folks who have utterly mastered all of my anti-suck lessons, I teach about “The Power of Positive Sucking.”
Sometimes referred to alternatively as, “Next Level Sucking,” this skill essentially means that you are able to figure out when you MUST suck at something in order to not suck at something.
I know. You feel like getting out a flow chart and a slide rule, but trust me, the more you dabble in the world of the non-sucker, the easier this all becomes.
Sure, you could have not sucked at dishonesty. You could have kept the cash, thereby sucking as a human being. If anyone asked you where you got the money, you could have not sucked at lying and told them it’s yours, that you withdrew it from your bank account or what have you.
You would have not sucked at lying but by not sucking at lying you actually end up sucking at not sucking. Only filthy degenerate suckers take something that does not belong to them and lie about it. Non suckers suck at lying in order to not suck at life. If you suck at dishonesty and theft, you’ll avoid going to jail, ruining your reputation, and ending up with a sucky suck ass life.
I know it is confusing but there so many instances in which you must suck in order to not suck. For example:
YOU MUST SUCK AT RACISM: I know. This is hard. You’ve spent thousands of dollars and hours on my books and seminars and you know that is time and money well spent. I’ve etched into your brain the need for you to not suck at most aspects of life. However, here you must suck at racism. Sure, you could shout inappropriate names at those outside your ethnic group, but then you’d be sucking up your reputation. You’d be making others feel like they suck and the suck that you put out into the world always returns back to you two fold. Suck karma exists.
YOU MUST SUCK AT IMMATURITY: You are an adult. You must suck at staying up late. You must suck at eating junk food. You must suck at paying your bills late. You must suck at procrastination.
YOU MUST SUCK AT INFIDELITY: In the moment, it would feel not sucky at all to rip the clothes off of and go to town on someone other than your spouse. You wouldn’t suck at adultery at all but by not sucking at cheating you, in fact, are sucking at marriage.
YOU MUST SUCK AT ADDICTION: Sure, you could learn all the ins and outs of addiction the hard way and become the best addict ever, but if you did, you’d end up poor, downtrodden, unhealthy, alone and most likely, dead – all outcomes that suck. So, when someone offers you drugs, be sure to suck at saying, “Yes.”
YOU MUST SUCK AT HATE, DEPRESSION, ANGER, SADNESS
If you don’t suck at these emotions, then you will never not suck at being happy and content.
CONCLUSIONS
3.5 readers, there are so many things you MUST suck at in order to not suck in life. We’ve scratched the surface of these aspects today, and if you are a beginner to my anti-suck lessons, then do try to put the Power of Positive Sucking out of your mind for now and once you have learned to not suck at tying your shoes and putting your pants on, we’ll be able to discuss the more complicated concepts, i.e., the things you must suck at.
Thank you for stopping by. In fact, you might say you sucked at ignoring your favorite blog, which, if you think about it, is an example of positive sucking.
Don’t forget to suck at not checking out my anti-suck books, available at a book store that does not suck near you.
And now, from Bookshelf Q. Battler Headquarters in Fabulous East Randomtown, the Astounding Nerdstradamus shares his confounding prognostications of the future of nerd kind…
Come forth, 3.5 readers and bask in my all seeing glory for I, the Astounding Nerdstradamus, shall open your eyes so that you might peer deep into the future of nerd-dom:
What prognostications do you have of the future, 3.5 readers? Share them with the Astounding Nerdstradamus in the comments!
Hey 3.5.
I was just going over Zomcation and there are three chapters that really tickled my funny bone. Hope you will check them out.
While you’re at it, don’t forget to vote in my Zomcation book cover contest.
Chapter 11 – In this book, a Republican and a Democrat have teamed up as President and Vice-President. President Stugotz is a Trump clone while Vice-President Pierce is a Hillary wannabe. They fight and bicker constantly. General Merrick tries his best to remain calm as Stugotz goes to one extreme and demands that all the zombies be nuked while Pierce goes to the other extreme and demands that everyone should coddle the zombies and give them free, government subsidized brains. In the end, they agree on one thing – they’ll deny all culpability and pin it all on Merrick.
Chapter 15 – Mister Reynaldo, an eccentric male diva/ex-off, off, off incredibly off Broadway star informs Jess that she can no longer play Princess Paulina because she turned 30. For Jess, it’s now the Willy Wombat mascot costume or bust.
Chapter 23 – Wombat World Security Guard Doug has a classic, cop TV show fight with the Chief of Wombat World security. It ends with the Chief relieving Doug of his wombat shaped badge and security whistle. Doug must now decide whether to give up or go rogue and search for his partner, who really isn’t his partner, but just an old man he stood next to and annoyed regularly.
Hey 3.5 readers.
Ugly rights activist BQB here. I don’t particularly care for the taste of crow but I must eat some. I was incorrect in my column a few days ago when I said no ugly actors had been nominated this year.
One has. And his nomination is a glorious shining beacon of hope to every ugly child who dared to dream about taken seriously despite his or her hideous face.
Michael Shannon has been nominated for Best Supporting Actor in a little known film called Nocturnal Animals.
I haven’t seen it. Frankly, I just heard about it yesterday. From what I have been able to glean from the Internet, Jake Gyllenhaal plays a lovesick writer. Dumped by his wife (Amy Adams) because she feels he’s basically a loser that will never go anywhere with his writing career (story of my life, baby), the Jakester sets out to write a novel the contents of which read like a revenge fantasy on his ex.
The film moves between the real world of Jake and Amy’s misery to the fantasy world where the events of the novel take place. Michael Shannon plays a creepy, close to retirement cop that helps a fictionalized version of Jake’s character get revenge on some bad dudes.
Look, I’m not going to sugarcoat it. Michael Shannon is a talented thespian, but he also looks like the result of a one night stand between a gargoyle and a goblin.
I’m not trying to offend the man and I’m in no position to mock others because I am wretchedly ugly myself. I’m just being straight up with you all by letting you know that when I envision hell, I picture multiple creatures with Michael Shannon-esque faces poking me in the ass and demanding that I push a boulder up hill until the end of time.
But seriously. No offense Mike. In fact, you kinda owe me one. I can only assume that my 3.5 readers are members of the academy and when they saw my #OscarsSoPretty rants, they had no choice but to nominate a fine, upstanding Aesthetically Challenged American.
I’d be in remiss if I didn’t point out the fact that it is unfortunate that Mike is often typecast as creepy weirdos, based on no other reason that he looks like a dude who would totally crank one out while staring at you through your bedroom window.
FYI – I’m not saying he does that. I’m just saying he looks like he could do that. Then again, who does look like a bedroom window masturbator when you really think about it? We have all these preconceived notions as to what a weirdo looks like but for all we know, good looking attractive people are just as likely to spank the monkey in a bizarre and disturbing fashion.
I digress. It’s nice to see Mike nominated, but I wish Hollywood had seen fit to broaden the public’s minds about the ugly by casting Mike not as a creepy weirdo but as a head of state or captain of industry.
Seriously. Over the years we have seen Michael Shannon play the uber psychotic Federal agent Nelson Van Alden in Boardwalk Empire, as well as the maniacal alien overlord General Zod in Man of Steel.
When does Michael Shannon get to play the lead in a wacky romantic comedy? What? Michael Shannon can’t woo Bridget Jones just because he wasn’t blessed with good looks?
Yeah, you laugh but first they refuse to put ugly actors in non-creepy roles. Before you know it, they’re rounding up uggos and locking them away in concentration camps. Total anarchy.
Don’t get me wrong. I salute Hollywood for recognizing that an ugly actor has talent and deserves recognition. Normally, Hollywood just uglies up a good looking actor with prosthetics and make up when they need a character in a movie to be ugly, so its a major coup that (are you sitting down for this?) an honest to God ugly person was hired to play an actual ugly person. No makeup and/or prosthetics necessary.
I’ll take Mike’s nomination as a positive sign, but I’m putting Hollywood on notice that I do expect to see ugly actors playing nice, good natured, non-murderous folks in the future. I want to see ugly actors not merely cast in their stereotypical roles as bridge trolls, CHUDs, monsters, criminals and psychos, but I also want to see uggos playing doctors, lawyers, business people, CEOS, titans of industry and pillars of the community.
We’re here. We’re ugly. Get used to it. We have cast the paper bags placed on our heads by “The Man” and we are ready to support Michael Shannon in his quest for Oscar glory.
Who’s with me? Academy, you must heal beautiful/ugly relations by giving Mike a statue!
Canine reincarnation. Animal acting controversy. Pooch Hall in a 1980s Jerry curl.
BQB here with a review of the sappy schmaltz fest that is, A Dog’s Life.
Before I venture into this review, I suppose I should discuss the elephant in the room. This film was expected to get more play as an ode to man’s best friend, but all that was cast aside when video surfaced of a trainer struggling to get a German Shepherd to enter a turbulent pool of water, followed by the dog later ending up submerged a little longer than anyone would like to see.
More on that from the LA Times.
Honestly, I don’t know. I watched the video. The dog isn’t beaten or anything, though that shouldn’t necessarily be the low bar that is set for dog treatment. The dog is scared. The trainer tries to get him to go into the pool anyway. Eventually the dog is in the pool and he goes underwater for a bit. At the end of the day, he’s safe.
Animal activists are all over the movie like stink on a monkey, raising the question of whether or not animals should be made to appear/perform in movies at all.
On the other hand, W. Bruce Cameron, author of the book the film is based on, released this letter to USA Today, which, if you read it, seems reasonable.
I don’t want to put words into the man’s mouth but my takeaway was, “We goofed. We’re sorry. I love dogs. The movie is meant as a love song to the relationship between man and dog.”
I’ll let you decide. Personally, I think it might be one of those lessons where everything worked out, the dog’s fine and there was a lesson learned. Movie dog trainers are now on notice to not force dogs to do things they aren’t cool with. Yes, it’s a teachable moment for the PETA crowd to express their views, but then again, in today’s knee jerk to become outraged within 30 seconds Internet/social media culture, the folks behind the movie are being treated as if they are collectively Satan…and I don’t sense a vibe that they are Satan.
Moving on to the film itself, Bailey, voiced by Josh Gad, begins his journey as a golden retriever owned by young Ethan. Time moves on. As in any life, there are happy times and sad times, proud times and profoundly disappointing times.
Long story short, the pooch buys the farm and is reincarnated as a different dog over and over again, each time to a different owner in a different time period.
Each owner has his/her backstory and it’s up to Bailey to help each human with their personal problems as best he can. Some owners are kind. Some owners are douches.
Morals laid down by the tale:
I hate to admit it, but the film was a real tearjerker. I mean, not to spoil it, but as a viewer, you’re forced to witness a dog die over and over and over again and that’s before you even scrape the surface of the emotional pain his various owners are in. Oh and time flashes by at a lightning pace and entire decades have come and gone before you realize it, so try to make the most of it before it is too late.
It sucks that the controversy derailed this film. I sympathize with the people that are mad. I sympathize with the people behind this film.
All and all, I’d say give the movie a chance. There’s a definite love of all things furry behind it.
STATUS: Shelf worthy. Woof.
Bookshelf Battle 