Author Archives: bookshelfbattle

Zom Fu – Chapter 35

tabletdemo

Shaoshang sniffed the air. “You reek of fear, whelp.”

Junjie’s hands trembled as he raised his fists.

“Bah ha ha!” The monster guffawed as he slapped his knee. “Oh, Yaozu! What a gaggle of women your clan has become if this is the best you were able to bring me.”

The master turned to Junjie. “Ignore his insults. Pay no mind to his games.”

“Are you going to cry, little girl?” Shaoshang asked.

Junjie looked at the beast with stone faced defiance.

“Why don’t you just step aside?” Shaoshang asked. “Clearly, you are a failure.”

“I’m…” Junjie stopped and gulped. “I’m not.”

“Your master is dead,” Shaoshang said as he paced to and fro, dragging the chain behind him. “Yet you are so weak he must carry you even in death.”

Junjie gritted his teeth. He squeezed his fists tightly, putting so much pressure on his fingers they looked as though they might pop.

The beast grinned. In doing so, he lit up the room with his shiny, dagger-like teeth. “Does your master wipe your nose and your bottom for you too, little one?”

That did it. “Ahhhh!” Junjie shouted a battle cry as he lunged at the monster, only to be repelled back by a flawless kick. The monster took great pride in making his moves seem effortless.

“Will you cry when Dragonhand rules China?” Shaoshang asked. “Will it pain you to your core to know that so many people died because a worthless nothing was called upon to save them?”

Junjie stood up. Without thinking, he sprang to his feet and fired off a kick at the monster. It did not connect. Rather, Shaoshang caught his opponent’s foot and used it to flip Junjie through the air.  The hero landed on his backside.

Shaoshang sighed. “This is what you get for taking in orphans, Yaozu. People don’t feed stray dogs and abandoned children for a reason.  No one in their right mind wants what others have thrown away.”

Finally, the hero landed a punch. Junjie assailed the monster’s abdomen with rapid fire punches. Shaoshang took seven or eight hits before he swatted his attacker away.

Swoosh! Woosh! Like two sets of sharp knives, Shaoshang’s claws passed over Junjie’s head again and again, coming closer to shredding Junjie into ribbons each time. The chain attached to the creature’s neck clanked loudly across the floor.

Junjie stepped backward. He and Shaoshang eyeballed one another.

“I can’t imagine what a sad disappointment you were to motivate your parents to look at you and say, ‘Eh, we won’t miss much if we rid ourselves of this little shit.’”

Junjie lost control. He ran at the monster. Shaoshang sidestepped the attack, then picked up a length of his chain, twirled it, and wrapped it tightly around Junjie’s neck.

“Yes,” Shaoshang said as he yanked up on the chain. “You want to give up. You want this agony to end. You want to be free of a lifetime of failure.”

Junjie’s face turned red. He slapped at the beast’s claws to no avail.

“Shh,” Shaoshang said. “Let it happen.”

The master stepped in front of Junjie’s face. “Disciple! Your focus must only be on your opponent’s defeat! Nothing else!”

“Erghhhh.” Junjie’s muscles strained as he tugged on Shaoshang’s claws.

“Every opponent has a weakness,” the master said. “Find his!”

Junjie’s face turned purple. He stomped on Shaoshang’s foot. The monster roared in pain. The hero stomped and stomped until Shaoshang let go.

“Gahh!” Junjie gasped for air. He ran forward and turned around. Shaoshang was angry. His body was in motion and he was on a collision course for Junjie.

Shaoshang ran and ran until…CLANK! He reached the end of his chain.

Junjie marveled at the sight before him. The vile demon strained and struggled but the chain prevented him from moving any closer. He took a few swipes, but Junjie easily dodged them.

The hero chuckled.

“And what are you laughing at, whelp?” Shaoshang asked.

Junjie ran into Shaoshang’s space, pummeled the beast, then returned to safety just before…CLANK! The monster was stymied by the chain once more.

“Your weakness,” Junjie said.

“A lucky shot,” Shaoshang said.

Junjie lept into the air and sent a flying kick toward the beast. Shaoshang took three shots to the face before Junjie landed. The hero backflipped out of the monster’s perimeter just in time to avoid a razor claw swipe.
“You’re cheating,” Shaoshang griped. “Just like the First Master of your joke of a clan!”

Junjie backed up…and up….and up…putting plenty of distance between his body and the monster.

“I knew your bitch would give up, Yaozu,” Shaoshang said.

“Wait for it,” the master replied.

Junjie ran toward the beast. Shaoshang’s claws burst into flames as he hurled a barrage of fire balls at his opponent.

The hero gained momentum. He picked up speed. Soon his body became an unstoppable force, one that rammed right into the creature, knocking him off his feet.

Shaoshang attempted to stand, but was pulled back to the ground by his chain. He looked up. Junjie was holding it.

“No,” Shaoshang said.

Junjie nodded his head up and down as if to say, “Yes.”

Out of sheer desperation, Shaoshang reached for his collar and tried to remove it, even though he had not been able to do so in thousands of years. He braced his feet against the ground but was not able to slow Junjie from pulling his catch in.

“Damn it, Yaozu!” Shaoshang cried. “This is not fair!”

The master shrugged his shoulders. “A win is a win.”

Junjie wrapped the chain around Shaoshang’s neck and yanked on it.

“I’m sorry,” Junjie said as he turned his right hand into a tiger claw. “Please forgive me.”

“No!” Shaoshang cried. “No, no, no, no, no!”

Bash! Junjie’s tiger claw tore through the beast’s skull.

“Ugh,” Junjie said as he felt the slimy demon brain in his hand. “Do I really have to, master?”

“I’m afraid so,” the master replied.

Junjie winced as he pulled the brain out. A lengthy section of spinal chord came with it.

“Disgusting,” Junjie said as he turned his nose up at the prize. “It smells awful.”

“Most brains do,” the master said. “Demon brains, more so.”

Junjie held the brain with both hands and stared at it. “I don’t want to go the way of Bohai.”

The master smiled. “You couldn’t if you tried. Eat.”

Ever so gingerly, Junjie pressed his tongue against the brain. He pulled back quickly and dry heaved. “Bleh.”

“You must gain the knowledge, my son,” the master said.

“Well,” Junjie said. “Here goes nothing.”

The hero closed his eyes and brought his teeth down on the demon brain. He bit into it and fought back the urge to vomit. He teared a good sized piece off and let it roll around in his mouth. His eyes watered and his stomach churned as he chewed. Inside his mouth, he could feel every vein, every bit of meat, every drop of blood.

Gulp. It went down.

“I don’t have to eat the whole thing do I?” Junjie asked.

“No,” the master answered. “And that you don’t want to speaks volumes of your character. Do you feel any different?”

Junjie looked at his hands and was taken aback as they burst into flames. He stared at them for awhile, then turned them off with his mind.

“I’m going to say yes,” Junjie replied.

“Good,” the master said. “Light your way back to the tank. From there, I will show you a secret passage to the forest.”

Junjie lit up his hands again. “You’re not coming?”

“I’ve served as Shaoshang’s jailer for a thousand years,” the master said. “There are certain duties I must tend to. Go along. I’ll follow shortly.”

Junjie nodded and headed up the winding staircase.

The master waited alone in silence for awhile until…poof! A giant red ghost popped up beside him.

“You do realize that there were at least four or five times when I could have snapped that boy in half had I wanted to?” Shaoshang asked.

“Excuses, excuses,” the master replied.

“I doubt this Dragonhand fellow will be as accommodating,” Shaoshang said.

“That is none of your concern,” the master said.

“And what of our deal?” Shaoshang asked.

“That is also not a reason for concern,” the master said.

“I didn’t throw a fight just to be cheated, old man,” Shaoshang said. “I’ll sneak your soul into Diyu so that you can begin your penance, but don’t think for a second I’ll let you out of your end of the bargain.”

“I wouldn’t dream of it,” Yaozu said.

“You’ll serve twenty thousand years as my slave and not a day less,” Yaozu said. “You’ll make up for every day I was imprisoned by your pitiful clan.”

The master nodded. “I am a man of my word.”

“Even with the knowledge of my brain, the boy will fail,” Shaoshang said. “Fear drips from his every pore. The smallest slight causes him to doubt himself. Dragonhand will make short work of him.”

“My concern,” the master said. “Not yours.”

“Part of me hopes your whelp fails,” Shaoshang said. “It’ll be fun when the world is crushed under the foot of a dark warrior. Then again, I do so want that warrior to be me. When I’ve paid my debt to the Yama Kings and return to their good graces, I will move on the Dragon Throne. You can thank yourself for setting that in motion.”

“I must take my leave,” the master said.

“You’re not worried?” Shaoshang asked.

“I can only concentrate on one maniac bent on taking the Dragon Throne at a time,” the master said.

“I can’t believe your disciple apologized to me before taking my brain,” Shaoshang said.

“He’s polite,” the master said. “And pure of heart.”

“That’ll get him killed,” Shaoshang said.

“Perhaps,” the master said. “But to be impure of heart is no way to live.”

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Vote for My Zomcation Book Cover Contest

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Zomcation is the best book ever written about an ex-soldier guilted by his depressed, divorced sister, social media addicted niece and hipster nephew into taking a vacation to an amusement park dedicated to a cartoon wombat only to end up fighting hordes of zombies when a Doomsday cult infects the park’s soda supply with a zombifying virus.

I can smell the literary awards now.  Mmm.  Smells like chicken.

Please vote for your cover here.

And please, really vote.  I’m having a hard time making up my mind.

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Zom Fu – Chapter 34

tabletdemo

“An iron chain crafted by the First Infallible Master and fortified by the magic of the Staff of Ages,” the master said. “It has kept this beast in line for countless millennia.”

“Even worse,” Shaoshang said as he drummed his claws against the loops that dangled down from his neck. “It clashes with everything. I can’t do a thing with it.”

The monster paced back and forth, dragging the chain along the floor as it moved. The length continued to a plate in the wall, secured with two heavy screws.

“You’re looking well,” the master said.

Shaoshang flashed a toothy grin. “Looks have always been my strong suit, old man. Patience, on the other hand, not so much. Why do you waste my time?”

“Does it matter that much to you?” the master asked. “You have so much of it, after all.”

“Yes,” Shaoshang said. “But when you came in, you wrested me out of a splendid slumber. Oh, I was having the most magnificent dream.”

“It brought you joy, I presume?” the master asked.

“Oh yes,” Shaoshang said as he paced about. “You were there, burning alive, although I guess that’s out of the question. My word, Yaozu, if this Dragonhand fellow really got the best of you then I would very much like to shake his hand.”

“The two of you would get along well,” the master said.

“Anyway,” Shaoshang said. “Before I was so rudely interrupted, in my dream I was free and sitting upon the Dragon Throne. It was soaked in the blood of my enemies, many of which were either charred to cinders or separated from their heads. Oh how I enjoy putting heads on pikes.”

The beast reached out his hand and lightly traced a claw down the side of Junjie’s cheek. The hero winced.

“Speaking of heads,” Shaoshang said. “What a lovely ripe squash you have there.”

“Know your place, creature,” the master said.

“Come now, jailer,” Shaoshang said. “Surely there’s no harm in a little fun.”

“There is in your version of fun,” the master said.

A hot puff of steam popped out of Shaoshang’s nose. The monster’s nostrils flared and his eyes grew brighter as he shouted, “Then why have you disturbed me?!”

Junjie’s heart pounded.
“We need your brain,” the master said.

Shaoshang stepped back. “My…brain?”

“You’re not using it for anything productive,” the master said. “Give it to my disciple.”

“Yaozu you crazy old fool,” Shaoshang said. “Surely you jest.”

“No,” the master said.

“You really thought you and this pup would walk right into my prison and walk out with my brain?” Shaoshang asked.

“Why not?” the master asked. “It will bring you nothing but torment and misery for as long as you are trapped down here. You will dwell on your past. You will think about what you have missed out on, would could have been or should have been. You will yearn to be free but as long as that chain remains around your neck, you never will be. Many years from now, the bones of everyone alive today will be dust, as will be the bones of their children and children’s children. All will have moved on. You will still be here…alone.”

“Hmm,” Shaoshang said. “When you put it like that…”

“My disciple will soon challenge a gruesome foe,” the master said. “Dragonhand has consumed the brain of every kung fu master, including mine.”

“All fat and gristle I’d wager,” Shaoshang said.

“You have lived a long time,” the master said.

“Too long,” Shaoshang lamented.

“In your long life, you also mastered every devastating move in kung fu,” the master said.

“I had to do something with my time and masturbation grew old after the first thousand years,” Shaoshang said.

“Give my disciple your brain,” the master said. “He will grow strong with your knowledge. Meanwhile, you will die and return to Diyu.”

“Not exactly a selling point, old man,” Shaoshang said. “I don’t miss that heat. Or the torture. Another demon can take a turn pushing boulders and getting poked in the ass with a sharp stick, thank you very much.”

“You escaped before,” the master said. “You could do it again.”

Shaoshang stroked his chin. “Odd. You’d risk giving me another chance to take the Dragon Throne?”

“I know you can be defeated,” the master said. “It’s Dragonhand that I am not sure about.”

“Pbbbht,” Shaoshang said as he blew a raspberry. “As if this ‘Dragonhand’ could ever compare to me.”

“Maybe he can,” the master said. “Maybe he can’t. You’ll never know when you’re rotting away down here while he sits on the Dragon Throne, will you?”

Shaoshang snorted. “Damn you, Yaozu.”

“The same throne you have coveted for so long,” the master said.

“Damn you, Yaozu!” the beast repeated, louder this time.

“Think quickly,” the master said. “You have a chance to die and escape this imprisonment. Refuse and another offer will never be made again.”

“Bah,” Shaoshang grumbled.

“You will remain in captivity until the world crumbles and begins again anew,” the master said.

Shaoshang nodded. “You’ve talked me into it.”

“Good,” the master said. “Now hold still while my disciple claws out your brain.”

“Not so fast,” Shaoshang said. “Did you really think I’d give up my thinker without a fight?”

“I hoped so,” the master said. “If you win, you’ll remain in this hole forever.”

“Ahh,” Shaoshang said. “But if I win, I will have defeated an Infallible Master. That juicy victory will nourish me until the end of time.”

“Very well,” the master said. “My disciple will fight you.”

“Wait,” Junjie said. “What?”

“You will fight this vile demon and devour his brain,” the master said.

“Ahem,” Junjie said as he coughed into his hand. “Master, a word?”

“Excuse us,” the master said as he and Junjie walked into the darkness.

“Oh don’t worry about me,” Shaoshang said. “I’m not going anywhere.”

“Master,” Junjie said once he was away from the monster. “You didn’t think I was able to defeat Dragonhand, but now you think I stand a chance against that…thing?”
“He is chained,” the master said. “He is at a great disadvantage.”

Junjie paused for a moment before continuing. “And you’d have me eat his brain? Won’t that turn me into a brain fiend?”

“It is possible,” the master said. “But I do believe you are one of a handful of people in the world who are able to eat a brain and not succumb to temptation. The Staff of Ages would not have chosen you otherwise.”

Shaoshang’s voice traveled into the darkness. “What’s it going to be?”

“You’ll need his strength if you are to get Mei-Ling back,” the master said.

Junjie exhaled. “Fine.”

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#OscarsSoPretty 2017

Hey 3.5 readers.

We’re here!  We’re ugly!  Get used to it!  We will not hide our hideous faces under paper grocery store bags any longer!

Do you want to see more ugly actor/actress representation at the Oscars?  Tweet your support for ugly thespians with #OscarsSoPretty

 

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State of the Bookshelf – BQB’s Production Schedule

Hey 3.5 readers.

So, I’ve developed a bad habit.  Whenever I feel down, I commission a book cover.

It’s ok.  I’m gone to be done at three for awhile.

The other day I went back, looked at Zomcation, and realized that yeah, it’s pretty funny.  It’s also 50,000 words I rattled off in a month, leaving me to realize if the plot takes place in the present, there isn’t much to research, and it’s just a goofy project, the words come faster.

So I turned the 99 Design artists loose again.  Here’s my latest poll, please vote.

Here’s where my mind is:

THIS YEAR – Finish and publish BQB’s Writing Prompts, Zom Fu and Zomcation.

NEXT YEAR – Finish and publish three of my Zombie Western Books.

YEAR THREE – Depends how the books are doing but I would like to work on some of my mysteries.  We’ll see if anyone is clamoring for sequels.

At any rate, I’m not going to start anything that hasn’t already been started.  Whatever has started so far will be finished before a new idea is worked on and this is difficult because, believe me, I have so many ideas.

It’s time I’m getting short on.  It’s do or die time and I need to start churning out books if I’m ever going to have some time to enjoy being a self-publisher.

Plus, I need to throw my NWA style pool party.  Also, I have to save the world with my writing in order to stave off the Mighty Potentate’s invasion.

Thank you for listening, 3.5 readers.  Let me know if you have any advice or if you think any of my half written works deserves to be moved up in the production schedule.

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The 2017 Oscars are Still So Damn Pretty (Best Actor/Actress Nominations) – #OscarsSoPretty

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Noted Ugly Rights Activist Bookshelf Q. Battler

Good evening, 3.5 readers.

I’m Bookshelf Q. Battler and I’m mad as hell and I’m not going to take it anymore.

You’d think after my #OscarsSoPretty activism last year, which mostly consisted of bitching and moaning on this fine blog, that Hollywood would have learned its lesson and nominated some aesthetically challenged, visually displeasing actors and actresses.

But no.  They just doubled down on the pretty.  Will you look at these nominees?

BEST ACTOR

CASEY AFFLECK (Manchester by the Sea) – Oh yeah, when you’ve got Affleck genes your life is really hard.  Come on this dude is in his thirties and he still looks like he could be the captain of the high school football team or some shit.  Goddamn Afflecks.

ANDREW GARFIELD (Hacksaw Ridge) – Get the hell outta here, Andrew Garfield.  You and your perfect hair got to be in two terrible Spiderman movies.  Do you know what happens to an ugly man if he works at Burger King and fucks up the whoppers?  His ass gets fired.  Know what happens if a handsome man fucks up the Spiderman franchise?  They put his ass in an Academy Award nominated film.  Pretty privilege exists, people.

RYAN GOSLING  (La La Land) – Oh for the love of God, ever since this son of a bitch was in The Notebook, the broads have been throwing their panties at him, shouting, “I wouldn’t forget you if I came down with dementia, Ryan!” Fuck, this guy could have gone to that march in Washington, D.C. and gotten himself buried knee deep in pussy hat.

VIGGO MORTENSEN (Captain Fantastic) – He’s getting up there but he isn’t exactly an old timer yet.  Chicks still dig him for that scene in Eastern Promises where he got in a fight in a bathhouse and, while in his naked muscular glory, didn’t allow his dangling dangler get in the way of kicking ass.

DENZEL WASHINGTON (Fences) – Damn it, Denzel, even while you’re playing a crusty old fuck trying to stand in the way of his son’s dreams you’re still a handsome ass man and probably pulling down mad crazy babes.

3.5 READERS: But surely, BQB, the Academy nominated an ugly actress.

BQB: You’d think so, but if you did, you thought wrong!

BEST ACTRESS

ISABELLE HUPPERT (Elle) – She’s 63, but she’s one of the hotter 63 year olds around.  I mean, she could have her way with yours truly if she wanted and I wouldn’t care that she’s packing an AARP card or that she was born during the damn Eisenhower administration.  Further, she’s French, and I don’t mean to tell tales out of school, but French women have been known to make a man go, “Ooo la la.”  But you know what she isn’t?  Ugly.  Blast you, Academy and your discrimination against the ugly.

RUTH NEGGA (Loving) – This Irish/Ethiopian actress is so hot that she plays Mildred Loving, a woman so hot that her white boyfriend waged a legal battle all the way to the US Supreme Court just to marry her (back in the days in when interracial marriage was illegal).  Hell, I can’t blame the man.  I’d go before SCOTUS myself to get me some of that.

NATALIE PORTMAN (Jackie) – The woman so hot she made Anakin Skywalker cheat on his Jedi vows.  She already has an Oscar for Black Swan.  You know who doesn’t have an Oscar?  An ugly woman.  But sure, let’s just keep heaping awards and praise on the hot chicks.

EMMA STONE (La La Land) – Oh Emma, you wide-eyed redheaded hottie, you.  Hollywood has been in love with you ever since you splashed on the scene as Jonah Hill’s love interest in Superbad.  While you failed to convince us that you were Asian in the craptacular crap fest that was Aloha, you continue to be America’s sweetheart.  Know you will never be America’s Sweetheart?  Anyone with stretch marks.
MERYL STREEP (Florence Foster Jenkins) – Meryl is like 900 years old now but she looks good for her age.  At this point, she can’t open a closet in her house without 10,000 golden statuettes raining down upon her.  She was hot in her day and Hollywood will literally never stop tossing awards her way.  I mean, whether you like her or not, hasn’t she received enough awards by now?  Isn’t there a nice buck toothed, acne ridden actress who wouldn’t like to thank the Academy?

BQB:  OK 3.5.  That’s enough for me today.  I’m so mad at the snubs against the ugly that I have to go hyperventilate into a bag then put the bag on my head and hyperventilate because I am so damn ugly.  Join me next time where I will harangue the Best Supporting Actor and Actress nominees for being so damn pretty.

Do you want to see more ugly actor/actresses nominated?  Join me in complaining with #OscarsSoPretty

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New Star Wars Movie Title – “The Last Jedi”

Hey 3.5 nerds.

BQB here.

So, word has it that the next Star Wars movie will be titled, “The Last Jedi.”

As many Internet dweebs have pointed out, in Empire Strikes Back, Yoda tells Luke, “When I am gone, the last Jedi you will be.”

In other words, the title is most likely a reference to Luke.  As we saw at the end of the last film, Luke will be a big role in this new movie.

Does “last Jedi” mean that Luke will kick the bucket?  One would think so because if he croaks before any new Jedis are made, then he’d be the last Jedi.

To me, this title begs a question – if there are no more Jedis, how can there be any more movies?

These movies rely on Jedis and if there are no more Jedis then you can’t make any more Star Wars movies.

Is the plural of Jedi also “Jedi?”  In that case, the title could refer to Luke and Rey and or any amount of unspecified Jedi.  However, if they are the last Jedi then I don’t know how you could have another movie.

It seems to me that the new movies are following the plots of 4-6 (or, the originals, if you are an old bastard like me).  Rey learns she has powers in 7 as Luke does in 4.  Rey will get trained by a wise old master (Luke) in 8 as Luke was trained by Yoda in 5 and I assume Rey will be in full badass Jedi glory in 9 as Luke was in 6.

But how can Rey become a Jedi if someone, most likely Luke, becomes the last Jedi in 8?

What say you, 3.5 readers?

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Ask the Alien – 1/24/17 – How Do Aliens Poop?

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Intergalactic Correspondent/Non-Pants Wearer Alien Jones

Greetings Earth Losers.

Alien Jones here, beaming this column directly to your primitive computing devices from the farthest reaches of the Omekulon Cluster.  I don’t want to disparage the fine folks of this Cluster, but let’s just say, they didn’t invent the term, “Clusterf*%k” for nothing.

How have you 3.5 humans been?  I feel we haven’t chatted in awhile.  I could say I miss it but, you know, the dictatorial regime that presides over my home planet didn’t clone a liar.

As you know, this is the only column in the universe where pitiful humans have an opportunity to ask questions of me, an all knowing alien.

This one comes Shelly Ruckschplittle of Doofendorf, Montana:

Dear Alien Jones,

How do aliens poop?  I have always wanted to know and I spend several hours a day pondering this question.

Several hours a day?  Shelly, I hate to channel BQB’s Uncle Hardass, but seriously, get a job.

The immediate answer is, “It depends.”  All living beings remove waste.  Some just do it more efficiently than others.

For example, highly refined clones such as myself have been tricked out so that our tummies are essentially spontaneous combustion machines.  Thus, I can eat and eat and eat and never gain any weight.  My food is converted to energy and any excess is burned up with no need for poop.

Therefore, my only orifice is my mouth.  The rest of me is airtight.

Here are how some other aliens poop:

  • Splattavarians poop gold coins.  No one is poor on Splattavaria.  However, banks are very smelly.
  • Fozdavoks poop fire.  Every bathroom is equipped with a titanium bucket and a fire extinguisher.  Chili night has been banned ever since Fozdavok City was wiped out.
  • Mayorps poop songs.  Hilarious yet true.  Just take a Mayorp out to dinner and be prepared for a heartwarming rendition of “Don’t Cry for Me, Argentina.”  You’ll cry from the oniony aroma.
  • Hoobavongs poop black holes.  Ironic isn’t it?  Black holes emanating from their black holes.  Many hoobavongian proctologists have been lost.  Where did they end up?  Your guess is as good as mine.
  • Chuzzlefrings can actually transfer their poops to one another.  Thus, if you’re a very busy Chuzzlefring with no time to poop, you can transfer your poop to your assistant.  The most common frat party gag is for everyone to transfer their poops to a sleepy Chuzzlefring, who then ends up pooping a mountain in the morning.

I could get into the beings who poop radiation, disease, famine, locusts, and autographed photos of Justin Bieber, but I won’t bore you.  Suffice to say, there are many aliens who poop in strange, magical ways.

Thank you for your attention, 3.5 readers.  As always, stay on BQB’s back and continue to encourage him to write his novels in order to appease the Mighty Potentate.  (I don’t even want to get into the details of how the Mighty Potentate poops.  I could tell you, but he’d have me vaporized).

All Hail the Mighty Potentate and His Most Glorious, Awe-Inspiring Poops.

Alien Jones is the Bookshelf Battle Blog’s intergalactic correspondent, graciously lending the power of his brain to answer your questions.

Ask the Alien a question and he may very well plug your book or blog in his answer. Ask questions in the comments or tweet them to @bookshelfbattle

Together, we can promote self-published material and ween the masses off reality television, a form of entertainment that Alien Jones’ boss, the maniacal alien despot known as “The Mighty Potentate” despises so much that he’s plotting an invasion of Earth just to stop it.

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Movie Review – Sing (2016)

Singing animals.  A koala bear hustler.  A mouse who can channel Sinatra.

BQB here with a review of Sing.

Non-Disney animation studios have always been at a disadvantage.  They’ve put out some great, funny films over the years, but rarely do they ever churn out something that could be called a “classic.”

Disney’s got the schmaltzy, heart string tugging formula down and it doesn’t hurt that they have a couple of parks to indoctrinate kids into their universe at a young age either.

I think Illumination, the studio who gave us those pesky minions, have brought us an instant classic with Sing.

Matthew (“Aw right, aw right, aw right”) McConaughey voices producer/down on his luck charlatan Buster Moon, a koala bear desperately trying to save the theater his father helped him build.  He thinks an American Idol-esque singing contest will do the trick, but alas, a typo on the advertising flyers courtesy of his incompetent secretary/iguana Miss Crawly lands him in hot water.

Finalists include:

  • Rosita (Reese Witherspoon) – A pig/stay at home mom who feels her vocal talents are being wasted in a life spent washing clothes and grocery shopping.
  • Mike (Seth MacFarlane) – A mouse who sings like Frank Sinatra with a gambling program that has left him in hock to a bunch of angry bears.
  • Ash (Scarlett Johansson) – A punk rocker porcupine, or “punkupine” if you will, trying to decide whether or not to stick with her loser boyfriend/bandmate or strike out on her own.
  • Johnny (Taron Egerton) – A gorilla forced into a life of crime by his bank robbing father.
  • Meena (Tori Kelly) – A shy elephant who would be a great singer if she can just get up the nerve.

Along the way, there are frogs who appropriately sing Van Halen’s Jump, bunnies who pay tribute to Sir Mix-a-Lot, and an alligator who sings the Humpty Dance.

Each character has his/her own reasons for wanting to win the contest and by the end of the film you find yourself rooting for all of them.  The kids will enjoy it but you will too.

STATUS:  Shelf-worthy.  Worth a trip to the theater.

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Happy Monday 3.5 Readers

I got nothing, so just wishing all 3.5 of you a happy day.

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