Author Archives: bookshelfbattle

How the West Was ZOMBED – Chapter 13

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Gunther was about to head inside when two more new arrivals paid him a visit. Joe and Miles Freeman, fully clothed and well rested. They’d slept outdoors plenty of times before, and in worse places than underneath a water tower.

“Hello sir,” Joe said.

“Howdy,” Gunther said. “What can I do you for?”

The old man knew he phrased that question wrong, but he thought it was funny.

“I heard talk about town that you caught some criminals,” Joe said.

“You heard right,” Gunther replied. “The Buchanan Boys. Worst piles of pig shit the devil ever created. They make them James-Younger peckerwoods look like a bunch of pissants.”

Joe was not scared off by that statement. “And I heard you were looking for help watching them.”

Gunther studied the father and son. They seemed respectable enough but an idea popped into the old man’s mind.

“Actually,” Gunther said. “What if I were to tell you that can wait and I need a man to help me stand up to another gang of miscreants headed this way?”

No hesitation from Joe. “Just point me in the right direction.”

“Just a test,” Gunther said.

“Huh?” Joe asked.

“Nevermind,” Gunther said as shook Joe’s hand. “You’re hired.”

The Knoxes were more than enough to keep the Buchanan Boys in line, but Gunther had a hunch his new acquaintances were in need of a good deed and if he could charge it off to the Marshal’s Service, all the better.

“Joe Freeman,” Joe said.

“Gunther Beauregard,” the Deputy replied. “This your son?”

“Miles,” Joe said. “Yes. Oh, but don’t worry. He won’t cause any trouble.”

Gunther squinted at the youngster.

“You ever kill a man?” Gunther asked.

“No,” Miles answered.

“Been in a fistfight?”

“No.”

“Been shot?”

“No.”

“Fought in a duel?”

“No.”

Joe laughed as he realized what Gunther was up to.

“Are you married?”

“No.”

“Christ, son,” Gunther said. “You ‘aint lived much of a life, have you?”

“I’m only fifteen.”

“Well, that’s no excuse.”

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How the West Was ZOMBED – Chapter 12

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The new arrival tied a bonnet under her chin then studied a wrinkly map. She was rail thin yet conveniently curvy in just the right places, though it was hard to tell as her dress went down all the way past the ankle.

She was paler than a glass of milk but attractive just the same. A few freckles. Red lips. A pretty face, though it looked very frustrated. She tucked the map into her bible and decided to see if there was a stranger willing to give her directions.

“Excuse me…excuse me…sir!”

Her voice was very soft. So soft that passers by kept passing on by, no interest in helping her out whatsoever.

Gunther looked at Slade.

“A damsel in distress.”

Slade kept watching. He took another elbow from Gunther.

“Go get her, boy!”

Slade didn’t budge. Gunther sighed.

“Shit,” the old man said. “Look at her. She is a damsel. She is in distress. Marshals are supposed to help people, ‘aint they? You’d be doing your duty if you went over to see how she’s doing, wouldn’t you? And then maybe by the grace of God if by some miracle she found you interesting, that would be nice, wouldn’t it?”

Slade puffed on his cigar.

Gunther stood up. “Son of a bitch. I have to do everything around here. PARDON ME, MA’AM?!”

The young woman turned around as the old man approached.

“Howdy ma’am. Deputy Marshal Gunther Beauregard at your service. I couldn’t help but notice you seem to require some assistance.”

“Oh, thank goodness!” the young woman said as she shook Gunther’s hand. “A pleasure to meet you, sir. Sarah Farquhar.”

“What seems to be the hullabaloo, Miss Farquhar?” Gunther asked.

“I’m looking for the Olmsted property,” Sarah said.
“Oh,” Gunther said. “You don’t mean Frederick Olmsted do you? Are you his relation? Because I’m sorry to say he went belly up a few months ago.”

“No relation,” Sarah said as she pulled a deed out of her bible. “I purchased the property from the bank and the coachman said it is nearby but that can’t possibly be…”

“No ma’am,” Gunther said. “It’s about two miles west of town. Your coachman sounds like a lazy shit heel if you ask me.”

“Oh dear,” Sarah said. “Sometimes I think that if it weren’t for bad luck I wouldn’t have any luck at all.”

“Now don’t talk like that,” Gunther said as he put an arm around the young lady and headed toward Slade. “Surely your husband will arrive soon and set this all right.”

Sarah frowned. “Oh. No. I’m afraid he’s gone.”

“Run off?” Gunther asked.

“Deceased,” Sarah answered. “I thought I’d make a new life out west but it hasn’t been going very well.”

Gunther looked at Slade and silently mouthed the words, “Dead husband!

Slade shot his deputy a look of disapproval.

“Well, ma’am,” Gunther said. “Your luck is about to change. Allow me to introduce U.S. Marshal Rainier Slade, the finest law man this side of the Mississippi.”

Upset as he was at his sidekick, Slade didn’t mind the opportunity to feel Sarah’s soft hand inside his own.

“Hello,” Sarah said.

A politer than usual grunt was Slade’s response.

“The Marshal here was about to come to your aid,” Gunther said as he pointed to the church. “But he was too busy standing watch over the thirty scoundrels inside. We’re holding onto to them until their trial, you see.”

“Oh my,” Sarah said.

“The Marshal caught ‘em all single handed,” Gunther said. “They got one look at him and threw down their guns, knowing they wouldn’t stand a chance against this deadeye gunslinger.”

“Is that right?” Sarah asked.

“Marshal,” Gunther said. “This is the Widow Farquhar, the new owner of the Olmsted property and in need of assistance in locating her claim.”

Gunther stepped up to the porch and motioned for Slade to follow. “One moment, ma’am. Official Marshal business.”

The lawmen stood inside the doorway, just out of Sarah’s earshot.

Gunther grabbed Slade’s shoulders and looked his boss in the eye.

“She’s pretty, she’s loaded and she’s desperate. Do not f%^k this up!”

Inside Slade’s heart brewed a storm of emotion. He longed for Miss Bonnie and couldn’t help but wonder if maybe one day his love might change her mind. Then again, Sarah was right there.

When it comes to romance, never underestimate the power of a person who is “right there.”

Slade stepped down to the ground. Gunther followed.

“Miss Farquhar,” Gunther said. “This country is filled with all kinds of dangers. Injuns. Thieves. Killers. Mormons and such. I tell you I’d feel a lot safer if the Marshal here would show you the way to your new home. Oh and don’t worry Marshal. The men and I will do our best to carry on in the absence of your astute leadership.”

This was a rare moment where Slade didn’t look at Gunther as a nuisance. The Marshal untied his horse. Chance was the name of the Slade’s noble steed. He was a big bronco, mostly broken in though there was some pep left in him. His previous owner was about to shoot him, finding him too difficult to train, but he took a liking to Slade and got a “second chance.”

Slade climbed on up then reached his hand down to Sarah, who clearly had never rode a horse before. She fumbled as she put her foot into the stirrup then clumsily pulled herself up behind the Marshal. Slade reached back, took Sarah’s right hand, and placed it around his waist.

Sarah pulled it back.

“Oh Marshal! I don’t know if that’s proper. We just met.”

Slade shrugged his shoulders. He kicked his feet against Chance’s sides and his old friend took off, so fast that Sarah quickly changed her mind and wrapped her arms tightly around Slade’s waist for dear life.

Mr. Tough Guy didn’t mind that at all.

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How the West Was ZOMBED – Chapter 11

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Dawn came and Slade sat on the steps of the church’s front porch, staring at his mother’s ring and torturing himself with that age old question everyone in love faces whenever romance doesn’t go their way.

“What could I have done differently?”

Gunther interrupted the pontification session by loudly chomping on an apple and dropping a telegram on the Marshal’s lap.

“Straight off the telegraph,” the Deputy said. “What do you make of it?”

Slade took a look:

United Exchange Telegraph Service

FROM: Josiah Uxley, U.S. Marshall

Denver, Colorado

TO: All U.S. Marshals in Good Standing
Warning <STOP> Infestation of monsters in Colorado <STOP> All is lost <STOP> Monsters are being hauled East <STOP> Abandon posts and save yourselves <STOP>

Slade crumpled up the telegram and made a pantomime gesture as if he were taking a big drink.

“Them Colorado boys dipped into the moonshine and had themselves a good time?” Gunther asked.

The boss nodded.

Gunther winced under the rising sun. “That’s what I thought too. Then again, I wonder if it’s some kind of test. Trick us into leaving and then we get the axe. Either way, I sent a message back asking what the hell this is all about.”

Slade grunted his assent.

The old timer parked himself next to Slade and produced from a sheath he wore on his belt a foot long knife. Crossbar handle. Curved end. Anyone introduced to it would not have walked away.

Gunther went to work, whittling a block of wood.

“Is it me or is your face longer than usual?” Gunther asked.

Grunt.

Slade realized he was still holding the ring. It was too late to avoid detection by putting  it away.

“What’s that?” Gunther asked.

Grunt.

“Oh slap me in the ass and call me Sally!” Gunther said. “You proposed to that redheaded spitfire!”

Cigar chomp.

Gunther nudged Slade with his elbow. “Didn’t you? Come on now…”

Silence.

“Huh,” Gunther said as his wood shavings hit the ground. “And since you’re here with a puss on your face and the ring’s in your hand instead of on Miss Bonnie’s finger…”

“Yup,” Slade said.

“Oh boy.”

A minute or two passed. Gunther kept whittling. Slade kept sulking.

“You want to tell me the details?” the old man asked.

Exasperated, Slade tucked the ring into his pocket.

“Well how am I supposed to help you if you won’t tell me what happened?” Gunther asked.

Slade just stared blankly at his boots.

“What exactly did you say to her?” Gunther asked.

Slade didn’t respond to that inquiry, nor did he respond to:

Did you get down on one knee?

Were you all fancy about it or did you just throw the ring at her?

Did she look happy?

Did she laugh at you?

Was she at least nice about it?

Did she let you down easy?

The Marshal held up under interrogation for a half-hour until finally his Deputy cracked the case.

“You didn’t really ask her did you?”

Slade shifted and looked the other way.

“Ah,” Gunther said. “That’s it. You were chicken.”

Few things got the Marshal talking like an accusation of cowardice, but even then, the response was sparse.

“Was not.”

“So,” Gunther said, “Since you’re being stubborn I’ll have to deduce that you didn’t ask her outright but some state of affairs transpired that led you to believe that Miss Bonnie wouldn’t be interested in being locked in the bonds of holy matrimony with you forever and ever.”

The two just sat there.

“Why I don’t know because you’re such a gifted conversationalist,” Gunther said. “It’s Miss Bonnie’s loss for sure.”

Slade shook his head. Gunther rolled his eyes.

“Goddamnit, son. Out with it! Did you ask her or not?”

Through gritted teeth, the Marshal’s reply was as raspy as ever. “I asked enough…and she answered enough.”

“Oh,” Gunther said as he turned back to his whittling. “Well why didn’t you say so?”

Slade felt relief, believing the interrogation was over until the old man started up again.

“You know, Rain,” Gunther said. “Women say a lot of things. They hem and they haw and they say they’ll never do this or they’ll never do that but give ‘em an actual honest to God decision to make and they might just surprise you.”

A confused look took over Slade’s face.

“Get your ass back there, get down on one knee and ask her proper,” Gunther said. “She says yes, good. She says no, well, at least you know.”

Slade struck a match, held it to his cigar until it was lit, then puffed.

“No.”

Gunther nodded. “Well, you were there. I wasn’t. If you think she’s a lost cause then so be it. No use grousing over it though. There’s plenty of fish in the sea.”

A stage coach rolled up the road and came to a stop at Anderson’s General Store. The coach man got down, opened the door and a delicate hand took his. Out stepped a raven haired beauty, dressed all in black.

Dumbstruck, Slade’s mouth gaped open just wide enough for his cigar to fall out.

Gunther sheathed his blade.

“Speaking of…”

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Discussion – How Can I Get More Than 3.5 Readers?

I asked the cast of characters known to come in and out of BQB HQ and here’s what they said:

VIDEO GAME RACK FIGHTER – “Not now. I’m running over prostitutes on Car Thief Mayhem.”

THE YETI – GRRR!  YOUR WEBSITE SUCKS!

UNCLE HARDASS – Will you quit that writing nonsense and get a job at the salt mines already?

ALIEN JONES – Stop procrastinating and publish a book, dumb ass.  All hail the mighty potentate.

BQB’s THOUGHTS

Well, as usual, Alien Jones proves to be my worthy advisor.  But until I get a book published, what advice do you have, 3.5 readers?

One day I hope to have as many as 300.5 readers.

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

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#31ZombieAuthors – Day 23 Interview – Peter Cawdron – Outsmarting Zombies

G’day mates. BQB here with a reblog of an interview I had with Peter Cawdron, a zombie author from down under.

Peter talked about his favorite authors, his books, and convinced me to stop being so paranoid about Alien Jones.

bookshelfbattle's avatarBookshelf Battle

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FIND THIS ZOMBIE AUTHOR ON:

Amazon        Website      Twitter

My guest today is Peter Cawdron, who comes from the land down under.  I don’t have to pay the Men At Work a royalty for saying that because Peter is an honest to God Australian zombie enthusiast.

Peter’s the author of the Z is for Zombie series of books which include What We Left Behind and All Our Tomorrows.  These books tell the story of teenager Hazel, who in the midst of a zombie apocalypse, searches for Steve, David, and Jane, the only people who ever understood her.

An avid fan of such classic science fiction writers as Philip K. Dick, Arthur C. Clarke and Michael Crichton, Peter is also a prolific science fiction author in his own right.

I wonder if there’s an extra charge to call Australia?  Aw screw it, the bill…

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Movie Review – Straight Outta Compton (2015)

You are about to witness the strength of SPOILER knowledge.

Straight outta East Randomtown, crazy blogger named BQB.

I write all the time but only 3.5 people ever read me.

BQB here with a review of the NWA biopic Straight Outta Compton.

Oh, just an FYI – this trailer has butts in it.  In fact, this movie has a lot of butts in it because these guys partied hard.  So don’t watch the trailer or the movie it if you don’t like or are offended by butts.

Rap.  It’s been around since the 1970’s.  But there was a time when the most controversial lyrics came from the Sugar Hill Gang complaining about having to pretend the food at your friend’s house is good even though it makes you want to reach for a bottle of Kaopectate.

That all changed in the mid 1980s when a group of friends got together to form NWA.  If you’re not in the know, I’ll let you figure out what the N stands for on your own.

Our tale begins in 1986 with Dr. Dre getting lectured by his mother that he has to quit being a DJ and get a job to support his son.  Meanwhile, O’Shea Jackson aka Ice Cube scribbles lyrics in a notebook on the school bus.  Eric Wright aka Easy E starts out as a heavy duty gangster, participating in serious drug deals.

I’ll let you watch rather than spill the details, but long story short, these three (not to be rude but other than Dre, Easy E, Ice Cube and MC Ren I have a tendency to forget the names of the other NWA members) end up with some studio time.  They encourage Easy E, who has never rapped before, to give his rendition of Ice Cube’s Boyz In Da Hood and the rest is history.

But their road to stardom is rocky.  There’s the logistical problem.  They’re openly swearing and talking about sex, drugs, and violence and that wasn’t exactly a surefire way to get what every aspiring musician needs – radio airplay.

Then there’s the political problems.  They have a song called F$%k the Police which as you can imagine, doesn’t make the police very happy.  On top of that, people aren’t happy about the idea of young people listening to music about sex, drugs, violence etc.

But somehow against all the odds they hit the big time.  They find an unlikely ally in Jerry Heller, a music business manager who represented a lot of acts in the 1960s but didn’t inspire much confidence in the 1990s.  The boys call him Mr. Furley (the bumbling old landlord from Three’s Company).

I won’t give too much away but suffice to say, disputes over money break the buddies apart.  Dr. Dre and Ice Cube go out on their own.  Fighting ensues, sometimes hilariously in the form of “diss songs” filled with lyrics in which NWA and Ice Cube trash each other, at other times tragically as violence ensues.

One criticism levied at the film by movie reviewers has been that the film might paint NWA in too good a light, that maybe they left some disturbing things on the cutting room floor, Dr. Dre’s physical attack on a female reporter, for example.

Then again, the film is pretty open about a lot of negative things, some of the most memorable:

  •  Easy E is shown taking part in a drug deal turned violent.
  • Dr. Dre, who left NWA to work with Suge Knight, goes out on his own again when he witnesses Suge using an attack dog to scare a man into hiding under a table in his underwear.
  • Ice Cube takes a baseball bat to the office of a record executive who he feels has not given him his due.
  • A dude comes to the boys’ hotel room looking for trouble.  Easy E pulls a gun on him.  The gun is so elaborate with a scope and various attachments that it looks like it belongs on a battlefield instead of in the hands of a rapper.

Could troubling aspects of their past been left out?  Maybe, but perhaps that was only because they only had two hours to fit in all the disturbing stuff they did put in.

It’s well produced, acted, directed, a good story worth a rental.

Are they heroes who promoted free speech or outlaws who cashed in on dirty lyrics, opening up the floodgates for artists to focus less on the art and more on being controversial?

You be the judge.  I have mixed feelings.  I don’t really want to “F$%k the Police.”  But I also enjoy a good beat.

All I know is I’m getting old.  Doesn’t seem like it was long ago that these guys and their proteges were on the radio all the time.  Actors playing Snoop Dogg and Tupac stop by.

Millennials, you’ll know when you’re old when the Justin Bieber Story comes out.

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How the West Was ZOMBED – Chapter 10

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High atop the town’s rickety old water tower, a massive, hairy, hulking beast observed Slade as he dozed. Black fur, dagger-like claws, a snout full of razor sharp teeth. Even at rest, the eight-foot tall creature’s breath was hot, even steamy.

The legends are true. Werewolves have lived amongst humanity for ages, blending in as humans when they can, hiding in the shadows in their alternative form when they’re unable to keep their inner beast at bay.

This one seemed rather interested in the church, having surveyed the property for several minutes. A half mile away in the distance, he saw a pair of red eyes similar to his own emerge above the courthouse. The being they were attached to drew closer, leaping from rooftop to rooftop until it too found a spot on the water tower to lay low.

What is the deadliest power a werewolf has in its personal arsenal? Its unmatched strength? Explosive temper? Incomprehensible speed?

All of these factors are palpable but many would argue that telepathic communication is what makes werewolves truly terrifying. Known to hunt in packs, they can sneak up right behind their prey and openly discuss their plans of attack inside their minds without making a sound.

“Is this the place, Pa?” the newly arrived werewolf asked.

“Yes.”

“Doesn’t look like much.”

“A job’s a job, Miles.”

Miles wasn’t quite as large as his father, but he was still menacing and formidable. Gracefully, he and his father leaped from the tower and landed on their feet on the ground below. Almost in defiance of basic laws of physics, they barely made a sound.

“They’ll never accept us here,” Miles said.

“That’s up to you, son,” Pa replied. “Control the beast and maybe we can stop moving and settle down for a change.”

Pa carried a small pack on his back. He bit the shoulder strap with his teeth, werewolf hands being much too large to manipulate human objects. Opening his mouth allowed the pack to fall to the ground.

“That’s not what I meant,” Miles said.

Father and son morphed into human form. Pa was in his forties, strong and tall with a little bit of salt mixed into his peppery hair. Miles was fifteen. About six inches shy of six feet, he looked like he would have to get soaking wet to weight a hundred pounds. His ribs could have been played like a xylophone.

Underneath the water tower, the two very naked black men carried on their conversation. In human form, they weren’t able to communicate telepathically, so they used their mouths, as people have been known to do from time to time.

“I meant they’ll never be able to accept, ‘us.’”

To Miles, the older man was Pa. To the rest of the world, he was Joe. Joe Freeman. Joe rummaged through the pack, handed his son a pair of pants, then found his own and pulled them on.

“Well, that’s a bird of a very different feather, I reckon,” Joe said.

“Can’t we just live in the wild?” Miles asked.

“You can when you’re older if you want,” Joe replied. “Me, I’d rather have a bed to sleep on and a hot meal once in awhile.”

Miles buttoned up his shirt. “No one treats you like shit in the wild.”

Joe put his hat on. “I suppose not. But you know as bad as it is for black folk now, it’s a tiny bit better today than it was when I was your age.”

“So?” Miles asked.

Joe pulled on his boots. “So Lincoln made a law to set us free but there’s no law that can make people not treat us like shit,” Joe explained. “I was born a slave. You were born free. I doubt you or I will see it in our lifetimes but I like to think that one day someone in our line will become a successful, well-to-do man about town.”

“Yeah,” Miles said. “Keep dreaming.”

“Dreaming keeps me going,” Joe said. “It’ll take a long time. Maybe forever. But I hope if we keep going about our business and standing up for ourselves, one day folks won’t even care what skin color people are.”

Miles took a seat on the ground. He grabbed a stick and doodled pictures in the dirt.

“And fairies will sing, and unicorns will dance, and leprechauns will give us all pots of gold…”

“Oh Miles,” Joe said as he laid down on the ground. “You’re way too young to be this cynical. If you want to live on the range and chase rabbits like an animal when you’re grown I won’t stop you, but if you ask me, us removing ourselves from all the opportunities of the world is what the bad men of the world want us to do.”

Miles paused to admire a rudimentary castle he drew. “So what? We take the shit…”

With his eyes shut, Joe kept walking. “And your kid will take shit…and his kid will take shit…and all the kids going on down the line will take a lot of shit but…”

“What?” Miles asked.

“Someday a Freeman will do something big that will make all the shit worthwhile,” Joe said.

Miles traced the outline of a little knight just outside the castle wall. “And if that never happens?”

Joe became annoyed that his sleep was being disturbed. “I don’t know. Then we’re all shit out of luck. Go to sleep, will you?”

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#OscarsSoPretty – Snubbed Actor – Geoffrey Arend

Hey 3.5 readers.

Bookshelf Q. Battler here with continuing coverage of my one man campaign to get the Academy to welcome more ugly people into the fold.

I’ve been tweeting my support for various ugly actors who I feel have been passed over for Oscar consideration just because of their looks.  I’m not sure they appreciate it.  They probably think I’m calling them ugly like its a bad thing.  There’s nothing wrong with being ugly.  Embrace how God made you, I say.

Anyway, I had a brief Twitter conversation with Geoffrey Arend.

WHO?!

Yeah, when I started thinking of less than handsome thespians to tweet my support for, “That nerdy guy who is married to Christina Hendricks” came to mind but I couldn’t recall his name, even though he’s starred in a lot of stuff and you’d totally recognize him if you saw him.

Don’t get me wrong.  I’m not knocking the guy in any way whatsoever.  He’s been my hero forever on account of the fact that, let me repeat, a) even though he’s a nerd b) he married Christina Hendricks.

Christina Hendricks played super 1960’s hottie Joan on Mad Men for those readers who aren’t hip to the TV scene.

So, let me be clear, no one should take what Geoffrey says below as support for the #OscarsSoPretty movement, which to date, only really consists of me.  I don’t want to put words in the guy’s mouth or anything.

He’s a cool dude who was a good sport and traded funny, snarky comments with me.  Since this is a blog for nerds, I wanted to ask his advice on how nerds can romance and marry super hot chicks, but I figured that would probably be pressing my luck.

But all you lonely nerds out there, cheer up, for it is possible.  Just look to Geoffrey Arend for hope and inspiration.

Much appreciated, Mr. Arend.  Readers, you might remember this actor from Devil or Garden State. Currently, you can see him as Matt Mahoney on CBS’ Madam Secretary.

Personally, my favorite role of his was as that stoned kid who ate all the shrooms in Super Troopers.

 

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How the West Was ZOMBED – Chapter 9

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Highwater didn’t have much in the way of large public buildings, but the Reverend Cavanagh allowed his church to serve as a makeshift jailhouse whenever Slade and Gunther had too many yahoos in custody for the cage in the Marshal’s office to hold.

The Buchanan Boys were arranged six per pew, their legs clapped in irons, each man chained to the one next to him. It wasn’t exactly conducive to good shuteye.

“Now boys,” Gunther said. “Let’s go over the rules.”

Jefferson Knox was a good old boy Gunther knew from way back. A fellow veteran. He had a scar across his right cheek courtesy of a Confederate bayonet. Those were dark times indeed. The American Civil War led to an internal neighbor against neighbor struggle in Missouri. Some, like Gunther and Knox, chose the North. Others chose the South. Fifteen years had gone a long way to heal the statewide wounds, but they weren’t fully closed. Bad blood remained.  Hard feelings festered.  Animosity on a scale that grand  doesn’t go away overnight, let alone a decade or two.

Knox held a double barreled shotgun. He and his mop topped sons, a duo in their early twenties who thankfully got their looks from their mother, had been sworn in as special deputies. Cole was a bit taller and muscular. George was lanky, but it was nothing that a few push-ups couldn’t have fixed. They were each packing pistols, though they’d never used them on anything other than forest animals before.

Like everyone else in town, these three didn’t lift a finger to help Slade in his time of need, but Gunther figured it was better to hire them than Waldo, Townsend, and Blake. At least the Knox family was kind enough to keep their dissent to themselves.

“The first rule is we’re in charge and if you do somethin’ we don’t like, you’ll get shot,” Gunther said as he walked down the aisle, Winchester in hand. “Attemptin’ an escape? That’ll get you shot. Smugglin’ in contraband? That’ll get you shot.”

Gunther paused next to Smelly Jack, who felt a compelling need to ask, “What if I f$%k your mother?”

The deputy walked on, but not before introducing the butt of his rifle up against the side of Jack’s head. “Talkin’ out of turn? That’ll get you shot.”

The old timer joined the Knoxes at the front of the church, right next to the preacher’s pulpit.

“Boys,” Gunther said. “Really, when it comes right down to it, y’all should just assume that anything you might do or even think about doin’ will mostly likely get you shot. Any questions?”

Jeb Buchanan, Jack’s brother-cousin on his father’s side, raised his hand. “What if I…”

“It’ll get you shot,” Gunther said. No need to hear the question.

Unbeknownst to his underlings, Slade had returned from his appointment with Miss Bonnie and was watching through the front door. Convinced his men had the hoodlums under control, the Marshal took a seat in a rocking chair on the front porch. He shifted his hat over his eyes and settled down for the night.

A triumph over the Buchanan Boys. A rejection from Miss Bonnie. Though it’d been a long day, the rest he needed eluded him.

Something was off. He don’t know exactly what it was, but he just had a hunch. A fit of intuition. A feeling…like he was being watched.

“ARRR….ARRR….ARRRRRWHOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!!!!!”

Slade jumped up and drew his weapon. He looked around. Nothing. He holstered his Colt and returned to his attempt at slumber.

“Damn coyotes,” he mumbled.

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#OscarsSoPretty – Snubbed Actor – John C. Reilly

John C. Reilly.  Damn, that guy looks like a caveman.  And do you know he was nominated for a Best Supporting Actor Oscar for the 2003 Academy Awards?

“OH BQB THEN THERE IS NO ANTI-UGLY BIAS, A GUY THAT LOOKS LIKE A CAVEMAN GOT A NOMINATION!”

Sure, he got a nomination, but only because he pulled off the exceptional hat trick of starring in not one, not two, but three of the movies that were nominated for best picture that year – Chicago, Gangs of New York, and The Hours.

The Academy was probably all like, “Well we better nominate this caveman looking bastard or else our pro-attractive person bias will be exposed when people start asking why a guy who starred in three of the best pictures of the year didn’t get nominated.”

Naturally, he didn’t win.  Chris Cooper won for his role as John LaRoche in Adaptation. 

WELL THERE YOU GO, BQB.  CHRIS COOPER IS SO UGLY.

I saw Adaptation a long time ago. I remember it was very funny and witty but other than that I don’t remember much else. I don’t remember if LaRoche was good or bad or what he did in the movie.

BUT generally speaking, Chris Cooper built his career on playing bad guys and Hollywood is always happy to cast ugly people as villains, thus perpetuating the stereotype that all ugly people are secretly villains and everyone should run away screaming and flailing their arms wildly in the air whenever they see an ugly person.

What I’d really like to see is an ugly person nominated for playing a really nice person, like a beloved father or mother figure, or a respected leader or an astronaut or something.

Ugly kids really need to be made to believe that they have options in life and that their only career options are to become the sassy assistant to a romantic comedy style woman with romantic problems or….dun dun dun…a super villain.

John C. Reilly.  He’s played bad guys.  He’s played good guys.  He’s played dumb guys.  John C. Reilly needs to win an Oscar so that modern day cavemen and cavewomen have a role model they can look up to…from their caves.

 

 

 

 

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