Hey 3.5 cheapskates.
BQB here. You might remember a month or so ago, I put my “Big Book of Badass Writing Prompts” up to $2.99.
The theory was that perhaps a higher price would attract the eye. Weird, but sometimes people see a higher price and think, “Well, that sounds awesome! Give me that!”
At any rate, the experiment failed, so back down to 99 cents I go. It’s available on the cheap now, if you’re interested.
Hey 3.5 readers.
I made a whole 12 cents off this fine book in January:
I was so excited about the 12 cents I wrote this rap:
BQB: Yo. Sometimes a man dreams for so long,
That it he don’t know where his spirit went.
But then his whole world changes.
He wakes up to find he’s got an extra 12 cents.
CHORUS: 12 cents!
Two nickels or a dime!
Isn’t it so fine?
BQB: Oh, 12 cents! Let me hear you all over the world, tell me you want my 12 cents!
CHORUS: 12 cents!
BQB: 2 pennies too! Or a dime and two pennies, what you gonna do?
The light goes off inside my head socket.
All these jingly coins, deep inside my pocket.
CHORUS: Here come the hoes!
BQB: Oh lord, the hoes! No one wanted BQB when he didn’t have a 12th of a dolla.
Now the bitches line up at my door, lookin’ to make me holla.
Hoes to the east and hoes to the west.
It’s my writing prompt money that they want best!
Will I travel the nation?
Will I cave in to temptation?
Will I be with a woman who is true?
Or be with the hoes who just want my penny boku?
CHORUS: Oh, the bitches love 12 cents!
BQB: I used to get so little pussy, it was a mutha-humpin’ crime.
Now all the hoes want to knock boots for my pennies and my dime.
“Look at me, BQB,” say all the hoes from every hood.
Aint no one want me when my cent game was no good.
CHORUS: They all thought you was a loser!
BQB: Now they all a bunch of users.
Chickenheads who want my copper Abe Lincolns.
They don’t want me for me,
And this whole mess is stinkin.’
CHORUS: It stinks real bad!
BQB: Hoes just want my tiny portrait of Franky D. Roosevelt.
Oh baby, baby you treat me so bad, if only you knew how my ass felt.
CHORUS: His ass feels bad!
BQB: Mo money, mo problems.
Aint that the truth.
Wish I’d never been like Shakespeare,
And wrote my ass a book, forsooth.
Shit. 2018 was the year I got all this coin instead of the green.
The self-publishin’ game sure is mean.
Think I’ll tell these hoes to get they asses on a bus.
Cuz a fifth of vodka’s the only friend I trust.
I’ll keep my 12 cents close to my heart,
So I never forget, the man I was.
How no one gave a fart.
Damn, son. Pour out two drinks.
One for me. And one for all my homies who were never lucky enough to make 12 cents.
Hey 3.5 readers.
Further experimentation with pricing, I have no idea about foreign money value but I went through and lowered the price of my book to either Amazon’s minimum for that country or close to it. So, if you’re one of my 3.5 readers who is somewhere far, far away, you can get this book for a pretty low amount of Euros, or lira, or rupees or um, you know, no offense, but if there’s a country out there where y’all just barter with goats, you probably only need to shove the goat’s hoof into the computer, not the whole goat.
It’s ok that joke was politically incorrect. I was alive in the 90s so I’m grandfathered in.
Attention English speaking countries. Brits, you can get this fine book for 1.99…what is it, pounds? Is that what you’re all using? Do they have pictures of the Queen on them? So it sounds like I’ll need one picture of the Queen and then .99th of a picture of the Queen.
Sidenote: is the Queen ever going to step aside and let Charles wear that crown for a day or two? Holy crap, I never thought being a prince would be a thankless job but it must really suck for that guy to like be waiting to be the king your whole life and you’re in your 60s and you’re like, “Oh, yes, mumsy, so glad you’re still in good health, I guess I shall go twiddle my thumbs another decade, cheerio, ta ta!
Aussies, you can get this book for 3.99…Australian dollars? Is that it? What do you people use? Just send me a friendly koala bear and we’ll call it even. He must be trained and able to do simple tasks. Just don’t read my book for too long because you need to be watching out for dingoes who want to eat your babies.
Americans, you still have to pay $2.99 but think of it as an investment in me as a future ambassador of America’s awesomeness and overall badassery.
Oh and don’t forget if you have kindle unlimited, you can read my fine book for FREE!
Did I mention there’s a damn flying shark on the cover?
Hey 3.5 readers.
BQB here.
I’m conducting an experiment.
My book has been on sale since June. Initially, I priced it at 2.99 and no one bought it. So I lowered it to .99 cents and a few people bought it. Since then, it’s been just several months of sadness and ennui.
I’ve heard that sometimes a low price can be a detriment to sales. Sometimes authors will lower a book price just because they’re new and want to attract fans – get them hooked on cheap books and up the prices on the sequels.
But often times a cheap price is taken as a sign the author does not believe in his book. Think about it. Have you ever bought anything good at a .99 cent store?
Suppose you’re walking down the street and meet a hooker charging 99 cents for a good time. You’d have to be crazy to take part in that, right? Surely she’s charging such a low price because she knows something is wrong. Perhaps she has a number of contagious diseases, or will give you warts, or crabs, or warty crabs, or penis rot or penis fire (that’s when your penis catches on fire or worse, she’s aware there’s some type of rudimentary steel bear trap buried deep inside her vagina and it will snap your penis in half if you dare enter.
Nay, you would totally run away from the 99 cent prostitute but what if you met the same prostitute and she offered a good time for 10,000? Then you might be like, “Wow. She’s really sure of herself. Maybe her vagina is a magical land filled with rainbows and puppies and unicorns and pots of gold.”
Same vagina. Two different prices but the prices cause you to think different things.
I worried about upping the price but then I remembered no one is buying it anyway, so I guess nothing will change and if it has no impact after a month or so I’ll just reduce it. In any event, I’ll report back here how it all went.
By the way, this little enterprise does need to start making some money so not to nudge you, noble reader, but a) it’s not 2.99 yet so until Amazon effectively changes the price, you still have a little time to get my prompts on the cheap and b) if you wait, this is your chance to make a 2.99 contribution to the BQB cause (BQB’s cause is to make BQB rich) – my calculations indicate Supreme Overlord Bezos will take roughly 96 cents and I’ll rake in a whopping $2.04 so in theory, I could party with that 99 cent prostitute twice and still have change left over so not too shabby.
Whatever help you can provide, 3.5 moochers (er I mean darling readers) I would appreciate it.
Hey 3.5 readers.
BQB here.
Just a regularly scheduled begging session, asking you, my beloved 3.5 readers, to buy my book, “BQB’s Big Book of Badass Writing Prompts.”
It’s 99 cents. Honestly, other than a trip to the nudey bar, this is the best value you’ll ever get for a dollar.
I mean I don’t want to spell it out, but if you walk up to a nudey bar and wave a single dollar bill around, a stripper will show you her hey-nanner-nanner. At least, they usually do. I can’t guarantee they will.
But you’re upstanding citizens who don’t frequent such terrible places. So check out my fine book. You know you want it.
Still free, 3.5 readers. Just click. Please download a free copy and if you like, leave a review. Come on, earn your keep around here, nerds.
Hey 3.5 readers.
If you have a blog and would like to interview me, BQB, for it, because apparently only 3.5 people only read your blog too or else why would you waste your time on me, I’d be happy to, seeing as how my book is free all this week.
Leave a note in the comments or send me a Tweet or DM on Twitter – @bookshelfbattle
Hey 3.5 readers.
Your old pal BQB here. My big book of Badass Writing Prompts is free all this week on Amazon.
Free. Gratis. You pay zilch, zero, nada. So, if you want to help keep the lights on around here, all you need do is go and download a copy, for free, and that’s it. Leave a review and you’d be helping a lot but otherwise, just give me a download to add to my states.
Thanks, 3.5:
…for someone you only mildly care about. I mean, seriously, if we’re talking about your wife, you can give her a copy, but add a diamond ring, a car, or a trip to Hawaii, you cheap son of a bitch. Don’t go blaming your divorce on me just because I said my book was a good gift.
Read the fine print. I said it’s a good gift for someone you only mildly care about. Like that guy at work who thinks he’s your best friend but you can barely remember his name. That guy is a 99 cent book of writing prompts kind of a friend.
Your mistress? She needs a gold bracelet and some earrings. Seriously, handle your shit, son, before your wife and mistress start telling each other about each other’s existence.
This is all very facetious. As if any of my readers have social lives…
Yo. 2017. Time to grip the green. Lay down some treble and crank up the bass. Bookshelf Q. Battler all up in this place, gettin’ ready to blast some beats in your face. Let’s do this shit.
Sometimes a man just got a dream…a vision in his eye and a song in heart.
But the world do all it can to rip him apart.
So he falls to the floor, his body feels spent.
Then he checks his account, sees he’s got seventy cent.
Oh seventy cents! You are a dream come true!
Gonna travel the world spending you!
Oh seventy cents! I’m rich as fuck!
What did my ass do to deserve all this luck?
Yo, I was in the bodega, and something struck me as funny.
A girl was all alone and she was a fly ass hunny.
So I said, “Girl you wanna get with me? I got a lotta money.”
And soon we were going’ at it like a couple of bunnies.
And then the girl was like, “How much money you got cuz I’m feeling pretty fine?”
And I was like, “Girl, relax, cuz I got seven dimes.”
Oh seventy cents! For a book that I spent like 600 fuckin dollars to print!
Yes, to see that money you gotta squint!
Seventy cents! Lift me outta my rut!
And Jeff Fuckin’ Bezos gotta take his cut!
Oh seventy cents, yes you are true!
Three quarters minus a nickel, I love you!
DISCLAIMER: We here at the Bookshelf Battle Blog always love it when Jeff Fuckin’ Bezos takes his cut of the proceeds from the book we put out that like 3.5 people have read. We hope Mr. Bezos puts the money to good use, most likely to become the Supreme Overlord Ruler of Us All. Hail Bezos!
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