Tag Archives: amreading

May 13 2015
5 Comments
Project X

Mr. Devil Man

The Los Angeles Courant

Yesterday’s News Today!

August 7, 1949

MR. DEVIL MAN STRIKES AGAIN!

By:  Stan Clarence, Staff Reporter

Mr. Devil Man claims his sixth victim in six days.

A serial killer on the loose!

LOS ANGELES – Women across the City of Angels are locking their doors and sleeping with one eye open as police sources confirm the notorious murderer dubbed “Mr. Devil Man” has claimed his sixth victim in as many days.

Mrs. Cloris Daniels, 24, was found stabbed to death in the living room of her Sunland home late last evening.  Authorities state her husband, Martin, returned home after a night of billiards only to faint upon viewing the gruesome sight.

“At this time we are able to confirm that Mrs. Daniels matches the description of the previous five victims – brunette, blue eyes, slight build and attractive facial features,” said Capt. Thaddeus Talbot, Los Angeles Police Department, Homicide Division.  “My detectives are working diligently to bring the perpetrator of this heinous crime to justice.”

Meanwhile, brunettes across the county are investing in hair dye.

“LA’s getting a new bevy of blondes,” said Sandra Sawyer, owner and proprietor of the Spotlight Beauty Salon, “As if we didn’t have enough of them around here all ready.”

Ms. Laurent went on to note that hair dye appointments are booked solid through September and the line of ladies hoping for a walk-in is out the door and around the corner.

Peaches Durand

Peaches LeMay

The local press have dubbed the killer “Mr. Devil Man” due to the fact that police reports indicate that at each crime scene, the record of the song of the same name sung by legendary Jazz songstress Peaches LeMay was found playing.

Ms. LeMay’s manager, “Step-Aside” Clyde Russell, said his client is heartbroken that her signature song has become associated with such evil deeds.

“That song was never meant to be anything more than playful,” Russell said.  “It’s about a cat that does his woman wrong so she shows him the door.  Nothing more. Ms. LeMay is sick with grief that her signature hit has been twisted around to be associated with violence.”

Rumors abound that Jake Hatcher, the lead detective on the case, and Ms. LeMay, were once an item in the late 1930’s before the critically acclaimed songbird found fame and fortune.

Asked if said speculation requires Detective Hatcher to recuse himself from the case, Capt. Talbot replied, “Don’t you dregs of humanity have anything better to do?  Get the expletive deleted out of my face and don’t print that I said that!”

 Hatcher has his work cut out for him.  No pun intended.  Coming soon to a blog with 3.5 readers near you.

Killer and singer images courtesy of a shutterstock.com license.

Tagged , , , , , , , , , ,
May 13 2015
1 Comment
Ask the Alien

Alien Jones on How to Follow Bookshelf Q. Battler

Greetings Earth Losers!

Alien Jones, Intergalactic Columnist

Alien Jones, Intergalactic Columnist

Alien Jones here.  As you 3.5 readers are aware, I hail from the most intelligent species in the universe and therefore hold in my cranium a vast reserve of knowledge to answer your questions.

My planet’s Supreme Ruler, The Mighty Potentate, has commanded me to help Bookshelf Q. Battler usher in a new era of entertainment that will push back the scourge of reality television.

Yes, the Mighty Potentate loves his scripted TV and fears that if left unchecked, the reality menace will one day offend his eye receptacles.  No one wants a TV full of “Hollywood Housewives on Crack” or “Undercover Dentist” or “Who Wants to Marry a Schmuck?”

(Between you and me, I actually quite enjoyed Who Wants to Marry a Schmuck?  The schmuck was the best part.  Don’t tell the Mighty Potentate though.)

Anyway, this summer marks Bookshelf Q. Battler’s effort to bring more followers to the blog.  That’s fine by me because as soon as BQB starts getting paid for writing the Mighty Potentate will release me from my columnist duties.

How do I, a lowly human, follow Bookshelf Q. Battler?

TWITTER – @bookshelfbattle

GOOGLE+ – https://plus.google.com/+BookshelfBattleblog/posts

It’s not that it takes much effort to write this column.  My powerful mind allows me to perform hundreds of tasks simultaneously.

I just feel my brilliance needs to be exposed to more than 3.5 readers.

By the way, if you have a question, I’ll answer it, as I am also on a mission to raise Earth’s collective intelligence levels one answer at a time.

You can ask your questions through this site or the same Twitter and Google Plus info above.

The Mighty Potentate has declared your planet to be uber stupid.

No offense.

Alien image courtesy of a shutter stock.com license.

Tagged , , , , , , , , , , ,
May 13 2015
Leave a comment
BQB and the Meaning of Life

BREAKING NEWS: BOOKSHELF Q. BATTLER WILL KICK THE BUCKET!

EAST RANDOM TOWN, USA – Bookshelf Q. Battler’s 3.5 readers were aghast to learn that Bookshelf Q. Battler will croak louder than a frog with a bull horn in the very first part of Bookshelf Q. Battler and the Meaning of Life (Due out this Friday, May 15)

This reporter wanted to know what BQB’s known associates had to say:

shutterstock_120849085

ALIEN JONES (Intergalactic Correspondent, All Knowing Alien) – Dude!  SPOILER ALERT!  You’ve just ruined it for the 3.5 readers!

shutterstock_141238783

DR. HUGO VON SCIENCE (Prestigious Professor of Science at the Advanced Science Institute of Science University; Columnist, Inventor of the Incredible Exploding Chinchilla and Teflon Pants) – This makes no sense!  So what happens?  BQB just drops dead und pushes up zie daisies for zie rest of zie story?

shutterstock_152431793

THE YETI – International War Criminal, Furry Monster, Bookshelf Q. Battler’s Arch Nemesis) – ROAR!  I hope so.  A whole story about that loser pushing up daisies sounds good to me.  He always cheats when we square off in roundhouse kick competitions!

shutterstock_267074402Hardassimo (“Uncle Hardass”) J. Scrambler (The Ghost of BQB’s Deceased Uncle, Husband of Aunt Gertie, Ex-Employee of…THE SALT MINES!) – Good!  Serves that poor excuse of a nephew of mine right!  He’d still be cooking with gas if he’d gotten a job at the SALT MINES like I told him to.

But did he listen?

“NOOOOO!”

  “I want to be a writer,” he says.

“I want to inspire the world through the written word,” he says.

Bah!  Oh well.  At least he can join me wherever the hell I am and I can lecture him for all eternity about what a colossal disappointment he is.  If he’s smart, he’ll get a job at THE AFTERLIFE SALT MINES!

REPORTER:  We asked BQB what he thought about this development.

BQB:  Are you serious?

REPORTER:  You drop deader than disco.

BQB:  Well that’s a helluva way to start a story.  What’s left?  Thirty chapters of the Yeti tap dancing on my decomposing remains?

REPORTER: I’m sworn to secrecy.

BQB:  Did you ever find out if my love interest will be played by Katee Sackhoff?

REPORTER: It’s not Katee Sackhoff!

Tagged , , , , , , , , , , , ,
May 12 2015
3 Comments
Project X

Mickey Finn

Mickey Finn, Hatcher's Ex-Partner

Mickey Finn, Hatcher’s Ex-Partner

Hatcher?

Yeah I know him.  Hell, me and that sonuvabitch go way back.  He’s my old partner, for Chrissakes.

Why?  Who’s askin’?  What’re you, writing a book or somethin’?

Hatch.    “The Boy Scout” we used to call him.  Always did quote unquote “the right thing.”  Refused to take a taste.  Never looked the other way.  Broke down doors like it was his mission in life to right all society’s wrongs.

I use to tell him, “Hatch.  It’s great you want to save the world and all but the world called and it don’t give a shit, so sit back, relax, and have a drink with me, will ya?'”

Ahh, there was nothing I could say to get that guy to take it easy.  Never saw a bigger teetotaler in all my life.  Irony is I hear the bastard drinks like a fish at happy hour now.

Oh…what?  He tell you about that thing with me and his wife?  Jesus H. Christ, is he still harpin’ on that?  For the love of God, that’s ancient history.

Hell, if you ask me, I did Hatch a favor.  If his broad hadn’t been such a shameless hussy, she never would have succumbed to my rapier wit and grandiose charms.  True, few women can resist tearin’ a hunk off this slab of beef but still.  It’s the principle of the thing.

So what? I did what any good friend would do. I gave the gal a floozy test.  She failed with a capital F.  And hey, between you and me she mighta done somethin’ else that starts with “F” too.

Get it?  Huh?  Ahh, you people got no sense of humor.  I’m Mickey Finn, damn it.  I’m the life of the party over here.

Anyhow, if you see Hatcher, tell that lousy old sack of horse manure he needs to forgive and forget.  Now that I have selflessly exposed his old lady as a trollop, he can get to work on finding himself a decent Christian woman, you know what I’m sayin’?

Let’s face it.  That’s what Old Hatch really wants.  A nice pure dame who parks her behind in the first church pew every Sunday and would slap a guy like me in the face before I could say “boo” to her.

You’re welcome, Hatch.

Not like a bum like you would ever thank me.

Mickey Finn – the guy you’ll want to slap in the face.  Coming to the as of yet untitled “Project X” on June 1, right here on the Bookshelf Battle Blog.

Guy at card table image courtesy of a shutterstock.com license.

Tagged , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , ,
May 11 2015
Leave a comment
BQB and the Meaning of Life

BREAKING NEWS: Bookshelf Q. Battler’s Love Interest

EAST RANDOM TOWN, USA – The blogosphere is atwitter by reports that Bookshelf Q. Battler, World Renowned Poindexter, Reviewer of Books, Movies, and Cultural Happenings, Champion Yeti Fighter, and Blogger-in-Chief of the Bookshelf Battle Blog will find romance in the upcoming serial, “Bookshelf Q. Battler and the Meaning of Life.”

BQB’s 3.5 readers, especially his Aunt Gertie, want to know who the lucky (or unlucky) lady is!

shutterstock_120849085

ALIEN JONES:  My intelligence indicates that BQB has been trying to build a woman in a lab for years.  Perhaps he’s finally figured it out.  Then again, I’d already know if he has, since I know everything.

shutterstock_141238783

DR. HUGO VON SCIENCE:  Silly alien, BQB has known how to build women in a lab for years!  “How to Build a Woman in a Lab 101” is a required course at the Advanced Science Institue of Science University, of which BQB is a prestigious alum.  Nein, if it were that simple to find love, BQB would have built a woman for himself years ago.

shutterstock_152431793

THE YETI:  ROAR!  Whoever she is, I feel sorry for her.  BQB is a loser!

shutterstock_267074402

UNCLE HARDASS (GHOST OF):  I agree with that furry whatever-it-is.  My good for nothing nephew will never be able to support a woman until he gets a job at the SALT MINES!

REPORTER: With a news story this big, we went straight to the horse’s mouth and asked Bookshelf Q. Battler himself.

BOOKSHELF Q. BATTLER:  Well, I’m still hoping it’s going to be Katee Sackhoff.

REPORTER:  Really?

BQB:  I realize she’s a famous actress and stuff and I only run a low budget book blog, but I’m fairly confident she’ll make an appearance when she realizes that this blog will give her exposure to 3.5 readers, one of which is my Aunt.

REPORTER:  If she passes?

BQB:  Ultimate Fighter/Actress Gina Carano.  I’ve always wanted a woman who can defeat my enemies.

REPORTER:  We’ve read an advance copy of your story.  It’s not Gina Carano.

BQB:  Damn it!  Black Widow?

REPORTER:  You mean Scarlett Johannson?

BQB:  No!  I mean the actual Black Widow!  I need a woman who can defeat my enemies!

REPORTER:  What enemies?  The Yeti is the only one we know of.

BQB:  And he must be defeated!

REPORTER:  You heard it here, folks.  This summer, Bookshelf Q. Battler finds love when he least expects it.

(It’s not Katee Sackhoff or Gina Carano or Black Widow.)

BQB:  But it’s totally a Katee Sackhoff robot!

REPORTER:  It’s not a Katee Sackhoff-bot.

BQB:  You just like raining on my parade, don’t you?

Alien, mad scientist, old man and yeti images courtesy of a shutterstock.com license)

Tagged , , , , , , , , , , , , ,
May 11 2015
3 Comments
Project X

Hatcher’s Problems

shutterstock_254517373Dames.  Can’t live with ’em.  Can’t ship em off to Cucamonga.

There’s a lot of females in Hatcher’s life.  Who’s on the level?  Who’s waiting to stab him in the back?  How can a fella who’s been burnt more times than an empty matchbook ever find love again?

Not that he has much time to worry about it.  Gangsters.  Goons.  Thugs.  A stab happy killer on the loose.  They all want to crack open our resident gumshoe like a piñata and fight over the insides.

On top of all that, he’s a 1955 man living in 2015.

Cell phones?  More baffling to him than Chinese Algebra.

Is the mysterious blonde dame’s offer his dream come true or a nightmare to come?

Life’s got questions.  Hatcher needs the answers.

You’ll even get to ask him some.

Project X – the special mystery project being worked on by Bookshelf Q. Battler – due out Jun 1 as another blog serial on the Bookshelf Battle Blog.

Detective image courtesy of a shutterstock.com license.

Tagged , , , , , , , , ,
May 11 2015
1 Comment
Game of Thrones

Game of Thrones – Season 5, Episode 5 – Kill the Boy

IMG_1757SPOILERS!

  • Barristan Selmy – RIP
  • Jon Snow – Faced with tough decisions.  Is inviting the Wildlings to come south of the Wall a mistake?
  • Ramsey/Theon/Sansa – Sansa is really coming into her own and it looks like she’ll have some allies.  It is starting to look like we’re marching toward a battle royale where Stannis will march on the North and Sansa will have some friends to protect her from the Boltons if they hold her hostage.
  • The Khaleesi – She’s getting married? SAY WHAT?  And her dragons were hungry.
  • Ser Jorah and the Imp are bonding.  I thought for a second Tyrion was going to buy the farm or at least we’d have to wait till next week to find out what happened.  The loss of Selmy means Daeny needs an advisor more than ever, so that’s good for him, but alas, now he has grayscale.

What else?

Tagged , , , , , , , , , ,
May 10 2015
3 Comments
Ask the Alien

Ask the Alien – The Mighty Potentate Speaks, Love Advice

A MEMO FROM THE MIGHTY POTENTATE (Alien Jones’ Boss)

RE:  Insignificant Humans Who Dare Bask in My Presence

ALL HAIL THE MIGHTY POTENTATE!

ALL HAIL THE MIGHTY POTENTATE!

Alien Jones!  A human has dared speak to me, the Supreme Overlord of our planet, the name of which I forbid Earthlings to hear, lest they molest my eye receptacles with their hideous reality programming.  Dispatch my answers to his inquiries posthaste!

WIKZI writes:

Dear Mighty Potentate: Although I am one of the puny humans you so despise, I thought you might want to know that, A) I have never participated in, nor plan on participating in, the creation and/or distribution of reality television programs, earth-based or otherwise.

MIGHTY POTENTATE:  You are one of the good ones.  However, the key question is not “have you” but “would you?”  If given a low budget and a time slot on the public airwaves, would you fill it with “Trashy Housewives of Atlanta” or “Monkey Doctor Adventures?”  What about “Supermodel Mudwrestling 4 Cash” or “Plumber Intervention.”

It’s nice that you have not nor plan to, but hopefully you KNOW you never will have anything to do with reality television.

WIKZI: B) as I am now following this blog, your 3.5-person readership has now been upgraded to 4.5 (who the hell is the .5 anyway, I feel sorry for him/her/it. What a loser!). No idea why you chose to grace my insignificant little corner o’ the blogosphere with your August Presence, but know this: I WILL BE WATCHING YOU. Please continue checking my blog at https://graylog.wordpress.com/ for more stories, some related to aliens and some, urm, not. Thank you!

MIGHTY POTENTATE:  Confused human!  I have no need for bloggery.  If I want my thoughts to be in your mind, I’ll just beam them there and make you think you thought them.  But thank you for following Bookshelf Q. Battler’s blog.  I have identified him as the one human whose wit and wisdom can save the universe from the scourge of reality television, thus dispatching my lackey, Alien Jones, to assist him.

As the ruler of PLANET NAME REDACTED, I order all puny humans to visit Wikzi’s Blog. (The Graylog)

ALIEN JONES here.  Thank you, oh Mightiest of Potentates, for gracing us with your presence.  The next human to make inquiries was Gary Henry aka @LiteraryGary:

So is the Alien actually going to offer advice to the lovelorn and confused?

Sir, I am under direct orders from the Mighty Potentate to answer all questions posed using the infinite knowledge of my highly evolved brain.  That being said, if you check out this file photo of yours truly, you’ll realize I’m missing something that one would need to be considered an expert on love:

shutterstock_120849016

I meant there’s no ring on my finger.  What were you thinking of?  Weirdo.

Having said that, I’ve generally found that most inter-human love quarrels can be solved by the male nodding at the female at regular intervals, throwing out the occasional, “Oh no she did-ent!” or “Girl, you so right!”

Meanwhile, statements such as “Madam, you are incorrect and the following is a logical and highly rational argument as to why” will result in the female attacking with the force of a rabid wolverine upon being cornered.

Apparently, I’m not the only one in the indie blog Q+A game. Henry’s blog, “Honest Indie Book Reviews” features a column called “Ask Vlad the Impaler.”

Perhaps not so surprisingly, most of Vlad’s advice involves someone getting impaled.  Old “One Track Mind” Vlad.

Oh, and Bookshelf Q. Battler’s attorney demands I note that the Bookshelf Battle Blog does not endorse impalement.

Good Ole Henry – the indie world needs more supporters like this human.

On that note, I must take my leave, for I am attending a gala on Ronosplat 15.  It’s so fancy it requires pants.

Pretentious, if you ask me.

Alien Jones is the Intergalactic Correspondent for the Bookshelf Battle Blog. Do you have a question for the Esteemed Brainy One? Submit it to Bookshelf Q. Battler via a tweet to @bookshelfbattle, leave it in the comment section on this site, or drop it off on the Bookshelf Battle Google + page. If AJ likes your question, he might promote your book, blog, or other project while providing his answer.

Submit your questions by midnight Friday each week for a chance to be featured in his Sunday column. And if you don’t like his response, just let him know and he’ll file it into the recycling bin of his monolithic super computer. No muss, no fuss, no problem.

Tagged , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , ,
May 09 2015
Leave a comment
BQB and the Meaning of Life

PREVIEW TRAILER – Bookshelf Q. Battler and the Meaning of Life

Infamous Uber Nerd Bookshelf Q. Battler takes on the world - coming May 15 to a blog near you.

Infamous Uber Nerd Bookshelf Q. Battler takes on the world – coming May 15 to a blog near you.

ANNOUNCER:  Meet Bookshelf Q.Battler.  Geek?  Dweeb?  Nerd? These words don’t do him justice.

BQB:  Where did I leave my limited edition Capt. Jean Luc-Picard tea cozy?

ANNOUNCER:  And this summer?  HE’S GOING TO DIE!

BQB:  Damn it!  I haven’t even Netflixed Daredevil yet!

ANNOUNCER:  But he’ll come back to life as a man on a mission to answer life’s most illusive question.

BQB:  Why did the series finale of Dexter suck with the gale force winds of a thousand Hoovermatics?

ANNOUNCER:  Who’s the announcer here?

BQB:  Sorry.

ANNOUNCER:  You should be.  “WHAT IS THE MEANING OF LIFE?”

BQB:  Damned if I know.

ANNOUNCER:  Bookshelf Q. Battler, aka BQB, you know him as the author of a blog with 3.5 readers…

BQB:  One of them’s my aunt!

AUNT GERTIE:  Oh BQB I loved your post about the pancakes you had for breakfast this morning, bubalah.

ANNOUNCER:  He’s also the owner of a magic bookshelf.  Put a book on it and tiny versions of the book’s characters will pop out and fight over limited shelf space.

BQB:  Guys, just once I’d like to get through one day without my headquarters being set on fire by tiny literary protagonists.

ANNOUNCER: But he’ll leave it all behind to travel to a war torn nation in search of answers.

BQB:  I mean, Dexter just drives his boat up to a hospital and then walks out with his sister and NO ONE SAYS A WORD TO HIM?  WTF?!!

ANNOUNCER:  He might even find a love interest on the way…

BQB:  Is it Katee Sackhoff?

ANNOUNCER:  But will our nerdy hero be able to open up his heart?

BQB:  Oh my God, just tell me.  It’s Katee Sackhoff, isn’t it?

ANNOUNCER:  It’s not Katee Sackhoff.

BQB:  Damn it man, who wrote this drivel?!

ANNOUNCER:  You did.

BQB:  Rewrite!  “And…then…Katee Sackhoff was all over Bookshelf Q. Battler like stink on a monkey…”

ANNOUNCER:  Friday, May 15, the journey begins on the Bookshelf Battle Blog, located at bookshelfbattle.com  –  Follow updates on Twitter (@bookshelfbattle)

Read along as our noble book blogger goes on a worldwide journey of self introspection.  We’ll learn a lot about him…including his real name.

BQB:  Bookshelf Q. Sackhoff.

Copyright (C) Bookshelf Q. Battler 2015.  All Rights Reserved.

Worldly nerd image courtesy of a shutterstock.com license

Tagged , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , ,
May 06 2015
Leave a comment
BQB and the Meaning of Life

The Last Will and Testament of BQB’s Uncle, the Late Hardass J. Scrambler

I, Hardassimo (Hardass for short) J. Scrambler, being of sound enough mind and old as shit body, do hereby state the following:

  • BQB's Late Uncle Hardass J. Scrambler

    BQB’s Late Uncle Hardass J. Scrambler

    That my nephew, Bookshelf Q. Battler, is a colossal disappointment.  Typing on a “blog” for 3.5 readers.  Doesn’t anybody work anymore?  All my life, I slaved away in the salt mines for ten cents a day and I was glad to have it.  You didn’t see me trying to be a writer.  You young people, I tell ya’.  “Ooo I wanna be a writer!  Ooo I wanna be a rock star!  Ooo I wanna be an astronaut!’  Shut up and get a job in the salt mines already, ya buncha no good unwashed hippy bums.  Is a job at the salt mines a fun time?  Hell no, but it pays the bills so stop acting like you’re all too good for it.

  • That as of the writing of this will, my Doctor informs me that my declining health is the direct result of eating five bacon sandwiches a day.  Bullshit, I say.  Everyone knows that bacon sandwiches are chock full of necessary vitamins and minerals.
  • That if I die, it will actually be the result of the intense disappointment I feel over my nephew Bookshelf Q’ Battler’s ridiculous insistence on “writing.”  Newsflash, turds.  Only like a handful of people every generation get to be famous writers.  The rest of you?  SALT MINES!
  • That after I croak, my wife Gertrude aka Aunt Gertie, who encourages my bumbling nephew in his stupidity by being one of his 3.5 readers, should burn our house down rather than give it to Bookshelf Q. Battler when she decides to head off for the old folks’ home.
  • In the event Gertie goes against my wishes and hands over our house to my idiot nephew, which he’ll probably run around pretending it’s a secret compound or something, I reserve the right to wander the halls and haunt the shit out of that place.
  • My nephew should never forget that he did not live up to my expectations and I blame Gertie.  She was always coddling the boy.  Why, I remember one day I came home from an 18-hour shift at the salt mines and found that little twerp having a party with a bunch of his stupid friends.  I said, “Hey, ya’ moron!  Why don’t you do something productive for once and get a job in the salt mines?”  And you know what Gertie said?  “Hardass, BQB’s only three years old.  Let him enjoy his little birthday party.”  And I said, “That’s no excuse!  I was working in the salt mines the day after I was born!”
  • Finally, in the event that my lousy excuse for a nephew decides to write a serialized story called “Bookshelf Q. Battler and the Meaning of Life” (due out May 15) nobody should read it.  You’re just encouraging his buffoonery.  You want to know the meaning of life?  You’re born.  You work at the salt mines.  You kick the bucket it.  That’s it.  That’s all you do.

Signed:  Uncle Hardassimo (Hardass) J. Scrambler

Don’t listen to Uncle Hardass.  He’s probably just cranky because he makes a cameo in BQB’s upcoming blog serial.  You should totally read it unless you’re too busy working at the salt mines.

Grumpy old man photo courtesy of a shutterstock.com license.

Tagged , , , , , , , , , , , , , ,
← Older posts
Newer posts →