Tag Archives: books

Apr 16 2015
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Game of Yetis

Game of Yetis – Part 4 – House Yeti

Previously on Game of Yetis:

PART 1 – House Bookshelf – Lord BQB hides out from the War for the Iron Throne, coming up with various excuses as to why he’s been unable to assist various claimants to the throne all the while positioning himself to declare allegiance to whoever emerges as the victor. Alas, a complication in his plan arises when a band of Yetis under the control of Lord Yeti abscond with his supplies of snacks and Dew of the Mountain.

PART 2 – House Yeti – Lord Yeti of House Yeti, the ruler of Yetifell, a territory North of the Wall, where abominable snowmen love to frolic because it is ridiculous cold, mocks his son Yetyrion, calling him a dwarf because he is 6’5″ (which is really short for a Yeti).

PART 3 – House Bookshelf – The usually not so easily rattled Lord BQB is enraged when he discovers that his supply of Special Edition Code Red Dew of the Mountain has been stolen by dirty yetis in the employ of Lord Yeti of House Yeti.  Unable to purchase an army of eunuchs because Daenerys Stormborn bogarted them all, he turns to his trusty banner men.  Alas, they were only in it for the Dew of the Mountain and now Lord BQB must fight this battle alone.

And now Game of Yetis continues…

It was the best drink that ever rolled across Lord Yeti’s tongue.

Not because it was particularly succulent…or even delicious.  He’d had better.

The Dew of the Mountain tasted so good to Lord Yeti because it was the property of his sworn enemy, one Lord Bookshelf Q. Battler.

“Father,” Yetyrion said.  “Why do you despise Lord BQB so?”

Lord Yeti grunted and sipped from a chalice filled to the brim with fizzy goodness.

“Is it because Lord BQB is ridiculously handsome?”  Yetyrion asked.

“What?”  Lord Yeti said.  “No.”

“Do you hate Lord BQB because he is exceptionally clever?”

“Lord BQB clever?”  Lord Yeti asked.  “Please.  I’ve seen yeti droppings with more wit and wisdom than that hack.”

“Jealousy then is it?”  Yetyrion asked.  “You’ve been bitten by the green eyed monster is a God among men?”

“Did Lord BQB write these questions for you?”  Lord Yeti asked.

“No,”  Yetyrion replied.  “Umm…maybe.  No.  No he didn’t.”

A hundred roars filled the castle walls, warning the supreme ruler that trouble was afoot.  Lord Yeti walked the spiral staircase all the way to very top of Castle Yeti, which overlooked the frigidly arctic wasteland that sprawled its way north of The Wall.

“Why have you roared an alarm?”  Lord Yeti asked.

“My Lord,”  the commander of the banner yetis said.  “Look!”

Lord Yeti peered through a spy glass to see a thousand white walkers trudge their way toward Castle Yeti.

It was a sight so unusual that Lord Yeti dropped his chalice of pilfered Dew of the Mountain, allowing it to spill all over the stone floor below.

Yetyrion finally made his way up the staircase to the rooftop, only to find his father and a band of awe struck yetis.

“What’d I miss guys?”

Yeah I know. It's a bear.

Yeah I know. It’s a bear.

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Apr 15 2015
5 Comments
Game of Yetis

Game of Yetis – Part 3 – House Bookshelf

Previously on Game of Yetis:

PART 1 – House Bookshelf – Lord BQB hides out from the War for the Iron Throne, coming up with various excuses as to why he’s been unable to assist various claimants to the throne all the while positioning himself to declare allegiance to whoever emerges as the victor.  Alas, a complication in his plan arises when a band of Yetis under the control of Lord Yeti abscond with his supplies of snacks and Dew of the Mountain.

PART 2 – House Yeti –  Lord Yeti of House Yeti, the ruler of Yetifell, a territory North of the Wall, where abominable snowmen love to frolic because it is ridiculous cold, mocks his son Yetyrion, calling him a dwarf because he is 6’5″ (which is really short for a Yeti).

And now Game of Yetis continues…

When Joffrey took the head of his good friend Ned Stark, Lord Bookshelf Q. Battler didn’t cry a tear.

When his old roommate Theon Greyjoy (from that semester at Winterfell Tech) had his, um, appendage removed, Lord BQB chalked it up to “cost of doing royal business.”

When Lord BQB heard that the Stark family was butchered at the Red Wedding, his only comment was, “That must have made the chicken dance awkward.”

Whether Lord BQB was cold or if he’d just grown accustomed to life in a cold world is a question for the ages.  Needless to say, he was a lord who was not easily rattled.

But when Lord BQB saw his supply room bare and a band of filthy yetis running out the back door with his barrels of Dew of the Mountain, he bellowed a terrible scream that was heard all the way up to the wall, down as far as Dorne, and it even made its way across the Narrow Sea.

To this day, there are Dothraki who, during rare moments when they aren’t fornicating or beating each other senseless, ask, “What was that guy yelling about?”

“MY DEW OF THE MOUNTAIN!!!”

“There there,”  Maester Monty said as he patted Lord BQB on the back.  “There will always be more Dew of the Mountain.”

Lord BQB sniffed and looked up at his trusted elderly confidant.  “But it was the Special Limited Edition Code Red Dew of the Mountain.”

“Oh my,”  Maester Monty said.  “That is a travesty, my Lord.”

Lord BQB stood up, withdrew his sword, waved it high in the air and proclaimed, “In the light of the Seven, I shall hack every Yeti I see to ribbons until I get my Dew of the Mountain back.”

“A tall order, my Lord,”  Maester Monty said.  “Yetis are fearsome beasts.”

“You’re right,”  Lord BQB said.  “We’ll need back up.  Send a raven across the Narrow Sea to that place where the Khaleesi gets all her Eunuchs.  What’s it called? ‘Eunuchs R Us?'”

“I’m afraid word has it that the Khaleesi had her dragons burn up the slavers who produced the Unsullied,”  Maester Monty said.

“Confound her hide!”  Lord BQB shouted.  “Isn’t that convenient?  She takes all the Eunuchs for herself, then burns up the Eunuch store so nobody else can have one!”

“Perhaps your banner men might assist you?”  the maester asked.

“Of course!  My banner men!  They are zealously loyal and will follow me to the gates of hell if I ask them!  Quickly!  To the barracks!”

Lord BQB and Maester Monty walked all the way to the living quarters of the Shelftopia banner men.  It was completely bare, save for the following note:

Dear Lord BQB:

We was only in it for the free Dew of the Mountain, we was.  Now that you ‘aint got any, we’s goin’ splitsville we is.

Sincerely,

Your Ex-Bannermen

“Blast!”  Lord BQB said.  “You just can’t get good banner men these days!”

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Apr 13 2015
6 Comments
Game of Thrones

Game of Thrones – Season 5 – Episode 1 – “The Wars to Come” – Wrap-Up

Dang!  That was one badass premiere!

In the name of the Seven, know that there will be SPOILERS ahead:

Let’s discuss!

  • Young Cersei visits a witch who predicts a younger, prettier woman will take her place.  Is it Margery or Dany?  Someone else we haven’t thought of yet?
  • It’s the buddy cop duo of Varys and the Imp!  Tyrion drank himself across the Narrow Sea but now he’s ready to visit Mereen and join up with Dany.
  • Speaking of, the Mother of Dragons has some rebellious kids.
  • The show still manages to surprise – i.e. the death of White Rat
  • Will Dany reopen the fighting pits?
  • Will Jamie go against Tyrion?
  • Will Cersei still marry Loras?
  • Was I the only one who thought Mance would reconsider and bend a knee as the fires began to grow?
  • Beware the Red Lady.  Beware any character who has their own background music.

What did I miss?  Discuss in the comments below and feel free to link to your own blogs and GOT commentary.

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Join House Bookshelf!

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Apr 13 2015
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Game of Thrones

GOT Season 5 Starts Now!

Stop by bookshelfbattle.com and discuss tonight’s episode right after the S5 premiere!  (Don’t forget to plug your blog while you’re at it while you’re commenting!  It’s ok, we’re pretty shameless about self-promotion here at Bookshelf Battle Headquarters).

Sigil of House Bookshelf

Sigil of House Bookshelf

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Apr 13 2015
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Game of Thrones

“Throwing Out George RR Martin” Isn’t a Good Thing

Sonia Saraiya of Salon.com argues that the television version Game of Thrones’ upcoming deviation from George RR Martin’s books is a good thing.

I have to disagree.

I agree that sometimes everything in a book won’t transfer well to television.

On the other hand, while GRRM didn’t invent the fantasy genre, he is a pioneer of a sub-genre, namely – “Fantasy for Adults.”  His career is one of the many reasons why we have books set in fantasy worlds where the hero doesn’t always save the day, unicorns don’t talk, and all sorts of chicanery ensues, thus keeping the attention of the adult reader.

So while it’s understood the show creators might feel necessary to deviate from the source material, let’s not cast GRRM aside as if he’s some kind of bumbling old-timer.

“Plans” and “life” are two concepts that do not get along.  In life, you might get up everyday and work toward a plan.  You and your friends cheer yourself along.  Then one day – boom – an accident, a catastrophic illness, or some other unforeseen event happens and that’s it.  Goodbye plan.  Adios progress that was being celebrated and cheered on.

We cheered on Robb Stark as the inexperienced underdog won victory after victory against the veteran and fully bankrolled Tywin Lannister.  We hoped this progress would eventually lead to a final battle in which Robb emerges victorious and the North becomes a separate state.

That was the plan…and then…bam!  Throat cut at a wedding…just moments after the host went out of his way to make the Starks feel welcomed and assured them that there were no hard feelings about his daughters being dissed.

Like the gambler who hides an ace up his sleeve, that trick should only work once.  OK GRRM.  We’re onto you now.  You won’t lull us in to a false sense of security again.  We know you’re up to something and…oh hey look.  The Viper just beat the Mountain….good for him…OH MY GOD!!!

M. Night Shyamalan knocked our socks off with the twist at the end of The Sixth Sense.  I remember watching it, thinking it was an ok but average, mediocre movie until…OH MY GOD!  BRUCE WILLIS’ CHARACTER WAS DEAD THE WHOLE TIME!  (Shut up, you’ve had so long to watch that movie, spoilers, schmoilers).

Shyamalan then went on to attempt to recreate that twist in a series of movies that fizzled.

The Village – the monsters in the old timey village are just people who dress up to scare the people from wandering off and realizing that the village exists as an enclave in the modern world.  BOOO!  DUMB!

The Happening  – the plague killing off the world was created by plants, their revenge for the way they are treated by humans.  BOO!  STUPID TWIST!  STOP MAKING MOVIES!  BOO!

Shyamalan just could not recreate that first brilliant twist.  GRRM keeps doing it again and again.  That is why he’s brilliant.

I’m not saying the show will be terrible as it starts to move away from GRRM’s books….but the show runners do have some enormous shoes to fill.

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Apr 12 2015
4 Comments
Game of Thrones

Previously on Game of Thrones…

A brief rehash of where the series stood as of the last episode of Season 4:

  • Jamie came to Tyrion’s aid, releasing him from the dungeon.  On his way out, Tyrion strangled Shay and shot his father, Tywin, while he was sitting on…the throne.  Quite an undignified end for one of the land’s most feared noblemen.
  • Lord Varys sneaks Tyrion onto a ship headed across the Narrow Sea.  Hearing bells ring, indicating Tywin’s death, Varys decides to join the journey rather than stick around.
  • Jamie’s still kind of bummed about the loss of his hand.
  • The remaining Stark children are scattered to the winds.  Bran is apparently going to be carried around by Hodor until the end of time.  Sansa has found a mentor in Littlefinger, from whom she learns how to plot and scheme.  Arya is Bravos bound.
  • Brienne of Tarth survived a battle royale with the Hound.  It was one of the most daring scenes of television, at times looking like it could have been anyone’s win.  In the words of the great Stone Cold Steve Austin, “It was a real two-fisted slobberknocker.”
  • Stannis, rather than continue on his quest to take the Iron Throne, heads to the Wall to assist the Night’s Watch in defeating a raid on Castle Black.  Makes sense.  You can’t take a kingdom for yourself if wildlings have taken it already.
I should just peel that Target sticker off. It is annoying.

I should just peel that Target sticker off. It is annoying.

That’s all I remember.  If you think of something I missed, feel free to share.

As a reminder, I’m going to be discussing Game of Thrones all season long.  GOT fans are welcome to join in the discussion.

And while you’re at it, feel free to include a plug for your book, blog, whatever the heck you’re working on.

Valor Morghulis.  Season 5 starts tonight.

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Apr 12 2015
5 Comments
Self Publishing

Wattpad

Who has experience using Wattpad that they’d like to share?  I am thinking about dipping my toe in that interesting water and would like to hear from those who have done so.

EDIT:  I am now on Wattpad.  You were all too slow and I did not wait for your advice.  That being said, please share it anyway.  You can look me up as “Bookshelf Q. Battler” and follow me on Wattpad.

Thank you.  May the watts be in your favor.

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Apr 12 2015
13 Comments
Ask the Alien

Ask The Alien – 4/12/15

ALIEN JONES:  I really don’t want to do this.

BQB:  Will you just shut up and put on your suit of armor and helmet?

ALIEN JONES:  No.  I hail from the most intelligent species in the universe.  We cured cancer, heart disease, and excessive gastrointestinal distress.  I’m not going to walk around like I’m in a damn Renaissance Faire.

BQB:  Please?  It’ll spike my readership from 3.5 to 10.12.

ALIEN JONES:  Sigh.  Fine.

Sigil of House Jones

Sigil of House Jones

Verily, forsooth and so forth.  It is I, Lord Alien of House Jones.

ALIEN JONES:  Lord Alien of House Jones?  Seriously?

BQB:  Will you?  Please?  OK?  Seriously.

Sigh.  Fine.  Lord Alien of House Jones here, taking your questions in my ongoing effort to raise your planet out of its exceptionally stupid status.

Apologies that my column has been out of commission for a couple of weeks.  Luckily, my memory receptors have not forgotten who asked what.

Kim Magennis of the blog Whimsy had two questions:

1)  Was Nikola Tesla one of yours?

No.  He was just a random Serbian guy who was hijacked by rogue aliens.  He managed to escape and passed off the knowledge he saw on their ship as his own.

Many human inventors have done the same.  That guy that made the Sham-wow?  Totally an alien invention.  You really think a human made cloth can suck up an entire gallon of milk?  Please.

2) Another question for Alien Jones: out of place artifacts (like that hammer in made from an alloy of iron which was found inside a “100 million” year old rock and the 100,000 Years Old Stone Embedded With A Three-Pronged Plug) are they pranks or the real thing?

(Read more) 

Three possibilities:

1)  Some of it is just human junk that got mixed into ancient rocks due to human incompetence.  For example, that plug was just left there by an archaeologist trying to find a place to charge his Kindle Fire.

2)  Some of it is alien junk.  Many aliens are slobs and just chuck their trash wherever they please.

3)  Some of the items were left as pranks.  Young aliens especially have been known to go out on a Friday night, flying around the Cosmos with a bottle of space hooch and a bag of screws, dropping them all over primitive planets, only to laugh about it thousands of years later when scientists print longwinded papers about them.

BQB:  Lord Alien of House Jones!  Behold!  A raven brings a tweet from the land of Twitter!

ALIEN JONES:  Are we really going to do this crap for all of Game of Thrones Season 5?

BQB: Tara Ellis, Author of Bloodline:  Forgotten Origins Trilogy, now available on Amazon, tweeted:

BQB:  March 27 that tweet came in and here you are responding to it on April 10.

ALIEN JONES:  Need I remind you I was hit by a space bus?

BQB:  Oh yeah.  How are you doing?

ALIEN JONES:  I’m fine.  You should see the bus!  :::rimshot:::

BQB:  AJ, Tara’s book is about alien viruses.  Can you elaborate on the subject?

ALIEN JONES:  Why?  Do I look like a dirty virus carrying alien or something?

BQB:  No I just thought…

ALIEN:  Yeah, yeah…you “thought.”  Just because some aliens have viruses we must all have viruses!  That’s some backward thinking man.

This book seems like a fine tale worth a download.  In the opening paragraph, Ellis lets the reader know a) the narrator’s father had something bad happen to him whilst in Egypt and b)  said father wasn’t the type to go down easily, thus a mystery ensues!

Thank you Kim and Tara for your interest in #AskTheAlien.  Lord Alien of House Jones signing off now, taking a break from what will be apparently a long season of dealing with GOT fanboy Bookshelf Q. Battler.

Alien Jones is the Intergalactic Correspondent for the Bookshelf Battle. Do you have a question for the Esteemed Brainy One? Submit it to Bookshelf Q. Battler via a tweet to @bookshelfbattle, leave it in the comment section on this site, or drop it off on the Bookshelf Battle Google + page. If AJ likes your question, he might promote your book, blog, or other project while providing his answer.

Submit your questions by midnight Friday each week for a chance to be featured in his Sunday column. And if you don’t like his response, just let him know and he’ll file it into the recycling bin of his monolithic super computer. No muss, no fuss, no problem.

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Apr 11 2015
2 Comments
Game of Thrones

And Now Our Watch Begins…

Wait another day for Game of Thrones to start???

This a man cannot do.

GOT fans and bloggers!  I hope you’ll feel free to join me in the many discussions that will be held on bookshelfbattle.com as we watch Season 5!

What do you hope to see?  Hope not to see?  Conspiracy theories?  Praise or complaints?  Toss it all into the comments section and you know what?  While you’re at it, feel free to add a shameless plug for your blog while you’re at it.  Tell my 3.5 readers where they can see your GOT commentary and watch your stats surge (with all the surge that 3.5 readers can provide!)

There’s always a battle going on in my bookshelf, but it looks like Jon Snow and Nedd (with head firmly attached head) Stark have things under control.  I’ve assigned them to guard my 20% Target copy of Game of Thrones and thus far they have not failed.

Although between you and me, Jon is a bit of a dummy.  Whenever I ask the guy a question, it’s like he knows nothing.  :::rimshot:::

You know nothing, Jon Snow. Now guard my 20% off Target book!

You know nothing, Jon Snow. Now guard my 20% off Target book!

Valor Morghulis, friends!  Join in the fun, share what’s going on in your blogs, and have fun this season!

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Apr 09 2015
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Game of Yetis

Game of Yetis – Which House Will You Join? (House Bookshelf)

Winter is coming…and so are yetis.  House Bookshelf.  House Yeti.  House Jones.  As Westeros burns in a glorious war over the Iron Throne, another battle emerges…a side war over the fate of…Lord BQB’s snacks!!!

JoinTheRealm_sigil

 

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