Tag Archives: film

Feb 22 2015
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Movies

Oscar 2015 Predictions

OK so I have failed miserably in my self-challenge to watch all 2015 Oscar nominated films.  I’m sorry to drop the petals off the daffodil folks, but occasionally this humble book blogger only reaches a 99.9% rate of perfection.

Thus far, I have only seen American Sniper, Birdman, and The Imitation Game (I still owe you a review).  I have  Boyhood loaded into my iTunes but have yet to get around to it.

So I’m a bit handicapped having not seen everything, which begs the question:

Bookshelf Q. Battler, are you really going to opine on things you know nothing about?

Um…yeah.  I do that everyday.  My original title for this blog was “Opinions on Stuff I Know Nothing About.”  Writing opinions on stuff I know nothing about is my God given right as an American.

Without further ado, my predictions:

BEST FILM – Birdman

All the commentary out there suggests there is a horse race going on between Boyhood and Birdman.  From what I’ve heard of Boyhood, it’s basically a “meh” sort of film and without the novel idea to shoot the young boy protagonist at different stages of his life, it probably wouldn’t have made it to the Oscars.

Meanwhile, Birdman has been winning many other awards and that’s a strong sign.

I’m going to flip a coin here and say Birdman.  Birdman has a lot of messages that Hollywood wants you to hear, namely a) Stop complaining we feed you so much crap when you’re the ones who are eating it b) Stop complaining we don’t make enough artsy fartsy movies when you never watch them and c) being an actor isn’t all its cracked up to be

BEST ACTOR – Michael Keaton (Birdman)

I’ve got to go with Keaton.  He’s been around for so long, he’s been in many amazing movies, and well, sad to say but, time keeps a-moving on whether we want it to or not, and he may not have many more chances to appear in Oscar buzz worthy work.  Carrell, Cooper, Cumberbatch, Redmayne all turned in great performances, but they still have time and haven’t been around as long.  It’s Keaton’s turn.

BEST ACTRESS – Julianne Moore (Still Alice)

I really, really want Rosamund Pike to win this for Gone Girl.  SPOILER ALERT – in that movie, she plays the Amy whose safety you’re very concerned about when she goes missing as well as the Amy who…well, just go watch it.

But this is the year where Hollywood settles its debts and like Keaton, Moore is also overdue.  That’s not a knock on Still Alice.  I’m sure it’s great.  She’s certainly been in a lot of other great films and is deserving.

ACTOR IN A SUPPORTING ROLE – JK Simmons (Whiplash)

The King of the Actors Long Overdue for Recognition.  He’s that guy in every movie, you recognize his face as soon as you see it, but up until this nomination, you didn’t really know his name.  He’s also the voice of the Yellow M and M.

ACTRESS IN A SUPPORTING ROLE – Patricia Arquette (Boyhood)

When it comes to “long overdue” Arquette and Laura Dern (Wild) are both deserving.  However, Boyhood has had more attention than Wild, so I think it’s going to go to Arquette.  Emma and Keira turned in great performances, but they still have plenty of time.  And Meryl?  Jesus, she must be using these awards as paperweights at this point.

BEST DIRECTOR – Richard Linklater

Come on.  Filming a kid at different stages of life and mixing it all into one film.  Creative.  Give him an award.

SNUBS

Finally, here’s my list of snubs:

Interstellar – the movie laid out a roadmap on how to get to deep space.  Completely ignored!  What?  Who cares about outer space travel?  Michael Keaton’s pretending to be a bird!

The Lego Movie – Best animated movie of the year no matter what.  I assume it got turned down because it was seen by some as just a big commercial for legos but come on, most kids movies do lead to big time toy merchandising.  If it was a commercial, it was a commercial with heart.

Saint Vincent – That old grumpy person you know might not actually be a jerk.  He might have experienced some heinous crap that you can’t begin to comprehend.  He may have earned the right to be grumpy.  So cut him some slack.

The Drop/James Gandolfini – I wish James Gandolfini could have received a posthumous Best Supporting Actor nomination since, sadly, he’ll never have a chance at another one.  It was a decent film and in my opinion, Gandolfini’s best performance since The Sopranos.

What are your picks?  Who do you think got snubbed?  Inquiring Bookshelf Battlers want to know.

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Feb 19 2015
3 Comments
Movies

Attack of the Killer Mutant Fish 2 (Casting Call)

As discussed yesterday, when I was approximately ten years old, give or take a year, I penciled in a notebook my first novel, Attack of the Killer Mutant Fish.

Now that I’m a big time blogging mogul with 3.5 regular readers, including my Aunt Gertrude, I have the resources to turn this novel into a major movie production.

Recently, I held a casting call.  The following actors read for the part of Fred the Pet Store Owner, who, as discussed yesterday, shoots all of the fish.  Why a pet store owner had a gun, I don’t know.  But it wasn’t because when I was ten I was a lazy writer.  I purposely left it up to the reader’s interpretation.

AL PACINO

Hoowah!  You little fishy finned cock-a-roaches think you can come into my establishment and eat my customers?  If I was half-the man I was twenty years ago, I’d take a flamethrower to this place!  Say hello to my little friend!

Al, my people will call your people.  Next:

MATTHEW MCCONAUGHEY

Alright, alright, alright.  Hello there kemosabes.  Listen, y’all need to just take a deep breathe and chill out.  Take off your pants and bang on some bongo drums.  All this?  Right here?  This life?  All of this interaction?  This is all just a trick.  We’re all just sentient meat, fooling ourselves into thinking that our base thoughts and emotions actually matter, when in the grand scheme of things, they really don’t.

Don’t call us, Matthew.  We’ll call you.  Next:

DWAYNE “THE ROCK” JOHNSON

CAN YOU SMELL WHAT FISH THE ROCK IS COOKIN’?!!

God Sakes Alive, you have to be old as shit to get that joke.  Next!

ROBERT DENIRO

You bloopin’ to me?  You make those little puckery bloop bloop fish faces and bloop at me?  Well, I don’t see anyone else around here, so you must be talkin to me!

I don’t know.  A solid performance, but I just picture Fred being younger.  Next!

CLINT EASTWOOD

Go ahead.  Make my filet.

(Cymbal tap – ba dum bum ching!)  Sorry, I said younger!

JESSE EISENBURG

Um…yeah…um you…you…you know I didn’t ask for any of this.  I’m just a guy running a pet store.  I keep the pets fed and if someone wants a pet I sell them a pet.  But…but….but…this?  I’m not prepared for this.  Nothing in my life has prepared me for this…this, what is this?  Fish, these Killer Mutant Fish and all they do is run around, trying to eat all the customers?  And how are they walking on land if they need to be in water?

You had it until you started asking questions.

This might be a tough one.  I’ll have to think about who would make for a good Fred.  If you have any ideas, please post them in the comments.  Tomorrow, we’ll be casting for the part of the Mad Scientist.

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Feb 14 2015
1 Comment
Videos

Key of Awesome’s “Fifty Shades of Broke”

I love the youtube show – “Key of Awesome.”  If you haven’t seen it yet, you should check it out.

As my 3.5 regular readers know, I’ve been complaining about Fifty Shades of Gray, arguing that its success exposes societal hypocrisy in that if Christian Grey were ugly and poor, it would be a horror film released on Halloween.  But, since he’s rich and handsome, it’s classified as a Valentine’s Day Romance.

Great minds think alike apparently.  Here’s Key of Awesome’s “Fifty Shades of Broke.”  The premise?  Grey loses all of his money in a pawnsi scheme and suddenly all of his “extracurricular activities” lose their appeal for the mousey interviewer.

“I liked it better when you took me to Paris after you whipped me!”

Anyway, Key of Awesome is great.  Check it out.

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Feb 08 2015
19 Comments
Movies

Let’s Talk Sci-Fi – Movie Review – Blade Runner (1982)

Hey Fellow Sci-Fi Nerds,

So for the past few weeks, I’ve been asking for your input as I build a world for a sci-fi novel that’s locked up in my brain.  Naturally, I thought, why not help the process along by checking out a cult classic of Sci-Fi cinema, namely the 1982 Ridley Scott Directed film, Blade Runner, starring Harrison Ford.

(Forever Cinema Trailers)

THE PLOT

Ford stars as Richard Deckard, a Blade Runner, a special type of police officer assigned to hunt down and execute replicants on site.

Replicants are bioengineered humans.  They’re built by the Tyrell Corporation to be stronger, faster, smarter, or as Tyrell puts it, “More Human than the Human.”  (In case you were wondering where that White Zombie song came from).

Foreseeing the problem that replicants could use their superior abilities to take over, the government outlaws them on Earth, and only allows them to be used as slave labor on off world colonies.  Further, Tyrell has put in a failsafe – replicants only live for four years, so none of them really have time to learn how to get too big for their britches.

THE WORLD

In the 1980’s, Japanese tech companies were booming, so naturally the creators of the film anticipated an Asianization of American culture.  Although it takes place in a futuristic Los Angeles, open area Asian bazaar style shops and sidewalk noodle joints riddle the landscape.  An enormous building size image of a geisha is prominently displayed.

Even though its in the future, everything looks old and worn out, suggesting that America may one day fight itself in abject poverty, everyone living in cramped, dirty spaces, tripping over one another just to get some room.  (Sometimes when you look at today’s economy reports, it feels like we’re there).

THE CLOTHES

Oddly, even though it’s LA and the depletion of the ozone layer is only going to make it hotter, everyone in this film is bundled up like its Christmastime in Minnesota.  This is where some science nerd will now explain to me that global warming can actually lead to global cooling.  And you’re probably right, science nerd.

THE TIME

It takes place in 2019, so about four years from now, we’ll be subject to a number of “Where are the replicants?” stories like we did this year now that we’ve reached the age of Back to the Future II.

THE TECHNOLOGY

Much of the tech in the film, at least by today’s standards, looks like it was raided from the basement storage room of a high school AV Club.  There’s a lot of tube based monitors and equipment that looks like it could display microfiche in your local library.  But hey, it all probably seemed like top of the line stuff in 1982.

There are flying cars, but there are also regular land cars.  Deckard has a land car.  He does get a ride in Edward James Olmos’ flying car.  And I was glad to see this flying car did have several instruments, computer monitors, controls, and Olmos even puts on a special flying hat.  In other words, the people behind this film anticipated, like I do, that flying a frigging car will be serious business and not something you can allow just an y old jerk to do.

There are video pay phones.  Video phones are here, but you know my feeling on the subject.  Pay phones of any kind are long gone and I doubt they’ll make a comeback.

Also, nothing to do with tech, but people smoke like chimneys throughout the film.  People don’t smoke as much today and when they do, rarely in public lest they be accused of a hate crime.  Enter any dive bar and you’ll find people engaged in Russian roulette competitions, chainsaw juggling, wild and crazy orgies, but anyone who lights up a stogie will be asked to leave.

LEGACY OF THE FILM

It’s fun to make fun of, but in a time where Star Wars had put Hollywood on a “space opera” kick, the people behind this film did try to make something serious.  It poses a lot of questions about bioengineering, and JF Sebastian’s creepy “toy shop” certainly leaves us wondering whether maybe we should let nature run its course with the human anatomy, rather than do our own tinkering.

There’s certainly a lot to discuss about life when it comes to film – the quality of life, how little time we have, how none of us want to die, even replicants.

Olmos’ character, Gaff, speaks in a foreign language of some kind through most of the film, only to clearly annunciate at the end, regarding Deckard’s replicant love interest Rachel:

“It’s too bad she won’t live!  But then again, who does?”

In other words, Gaff uses his few precious words in the film to tell us that we all tend to walk around aimlessly, trying to get something out of life, but few of us ever get where we want or are satisfied if we ever do.

IS DECKARD A REPLICANT?

If I shake my magic 8 ball, it will read, “All signs point to yes.”

Deckard dreams of a unicorn.  I don’t know if that’s really a sign, because frankly, I dream about unicorns all the time.  I might be a replicant then.  Replicants have implanted memories and since unicorns aren’t real, and yet Deckard has a vivid memory of seeing one, the suggestion is he was built in a lab where a scientist added a false memory of a unicorn.  Replicants receive false memories, supposedly in an effort to make them happier and/or more human.

Also, Deckard has kind of an odd relationship with his boss, Bryant.  At the start of the film, he tells Bryant that he’s out of the Blade Runner business and won’t help him.  Bryant tells Deckard he doesn’t have a choice and so Deckard just complies and goes on a replicant hunt.  Does that mean Deckard is a slave of some kind, beholden to Bryant’s will?  Or is Deckard just like any other human who doesn’t want to piss off an overbearing boss?

ROY BATTY

The villain of the film is Roy Batty (isn’t batty another word for nuts?) aptly played by Rutger Hauer.  He’s a replicant who roams LA, cutting a wide swath through various genetic scientists in the hopes he can torture one into coming up with a cure that will allow him and his friends to live longer.  None of them are able to, which drives him, well, batty.

SPOILER ALERT  (Although honestly, you’ve had like thirty plus years to watch this damn thing)

The surprise of the movie comes when Batty has Deckard right where he wants him.  Dickard clings to a rooftop beam, about to fall at any second.  Batty can easily step on the hands of the man who has been hunting him and be the victor.  But instead, Batty uses his super strength to save Deckard and pull him to the rooftop.

Why?  Could it be that Batty recognizes that Deckard is a fellow replicant and doesn’t want to kill one of his own?  Or, does Batty just decide that killing Deckard won’t really accomplish anything, so why spill more blood?

In the end, Batty has this iconic “TEARS IN THE RAIN” speech:

I have… seen things you people wouldn’t believe… Attack ships on fire off the shoulder of Orion. I watched c-beams glitter in the dark near the Tannhäuser Gate. All those… moments… will be lost in time, like (cough) tears… in… rain. Time… to die…

Out of the mouths of replicants.  That’s pretty profound stuff, isn’t it?  Forget about attack ships and glittering beams, just think about all you’ve done in your life.  Long before I became Blade Runner fan, I would often get choked up just by thought that one day, I’ll kick the bucket and all the memories of all my accomplishments, including starting this blog that only three people read, will vaporize into nothingness.  Who knew that I was just suffering from Roy Batty sadness the entire time.

And what is a tear in the rain?  A tear is happening.  A memory is happening.  But a tear in the rain just becomes another drop of water.  A life full of memories ends, just like so many others do every other day…well, I don’t want to say that life is meaningless or “a tale told by an idiot” as Shakespeare once said, but  aren’t there times when we all feel a little bit like Roy Batty?

CONCLUSIONS

It’s worth a rental.  And Hollywood hasn’t shown an interest in remaking it with a bunch of dopey starlets who would probably just screw it up…yet.

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Feb 07 2015
5 Comments
Movies, Science Fiction

Movie Review – Jupiter Ascending (2015)

WARNING:  REINCARNATED SPACE SPOILERS AHEAD

I’ve been looking forward to this one for a long time, mainly because I feel like they’ve been promoting in forever.  Given that it is up against Seventh Son, a fantasy film, nerds have plenty to watch this weekend, though these films may be cannibalizing one another’s profits since their core audiences are going to be the same contingent of geeks and dweebs.

That’s not an insult geeks and dweebs.  I am one of you.

And sadly, since they’re both movies that cater to a younger crowd, I think they’re both going to be trounced by…dun dun dun… Spongebob: Sponge Out of Water.

But enough about business talk.

The plot?  It turns out that worlds aren’t so much natural occurrences as they are business assets of a corporation owned The Abrasax family.  The three heirs, played by Eddie Redmayne , Tuppence Middleton, and Douglas Booth, as heirs to a fortune often do, squabble over their inheritances, always trying to gain more planets for themselves.

But they don’t want to rule them.  They want to harvest them.  We’re all basically cattle and once a planet’s population exceeds its resources, the Abrasaxes have all of the people killed and somehow they are turned into a juice that can be bathed in to reverse the aging process.

Umm…good luck with that.  All I can say is if you bathe in a juice made out of me, you’re going to be pretty disgusted.

Somehow, and they don’t really explain how, but Jupiter Jones, played by Mila Kunis, is a reincarnated version of the Abrasax kids’s mother.  That’s a problem for them, seeing as how their mother, before being murdered by Redmayne’s character, Balem, wrote it into her will that her reincarnated self would inherit Earth.

Sidenote – this movie realized that I’ve done very little to ensure that my assets will be transferred to my reincarnated self, and thus as soon as I’m done writing this review, I’m going to get my attorney on the horn posthaste.

Keep in mind that at the start of the film, Jupiter has no idea that she’s a reincarnated space queen.  She was born a Russian immigrant and cleans rich people’s toilets for a living.

Middleton’s character, Kalique, is happy to have a version of her mother back.  Booth’s Titus contrives a scheme to marry Jupiter, claiming that doing so will protect Earth and keep it out of Balem’s grubby mitts.  However, Titus has his own evil plans.

Here’s a rundown of a conversation I had with the Wachowskis in my mind as I watched the film:

ME:  So this guy is trying to marry a reincarnated version of his mother?

WACHOWSKIS:  Yes.

ME:  That isn’t incest?

WACHOWSKIS:  No.  She’s not actually his mother.  She’s his reincarnated mother.

ME:  But she’s his mother brought back to life so…

WACHOWSKIS:  SHUT UP AND WATCH THE PRETTY SPECIAL EFFECTS!!!!

Anyway, Channing Tatum plays Jupiter’s protector, Caine Wise, a human-wolf hybrid, and at this point, the man’s abs must be a multi-million dollar business.

HOLLYWOOD:  Channing, we want you in our next picture.

CHANNING:  I’m gonna have to charge you a million per ab.

And much to my surprise, Sean Bean was in the movie and he didn’t die.  He dies in every movie he’s in, so it was kind of a disappointment that his character didn’t bite the dust, buy the farm, or kick the bucket.

All in all, for a February film, it was pretty decent.  I’ve seen ads for this forever, and when a movie is hyped for this long, you kind of go into it expecting your socks to be knocked off, and usually they never are.  But sci-fi nerds and space geeks will be pleased.  The Wachowskis of Matrix fame are masters of the genre and they don’t disappoint with their special effects skills.  People fly, there’s space craft warfare, and so on.

Plus, the scene lampooning the bureaucratic process that Jupiter has to go through to be named Queen was amusing.

One minor complaint – there were a lot of characters, aliens, technologies, organizations – in short, just a lot going on.  It leaves you with questions that unfortunately a movie just doesn’t have time to answer.

The special effects alone are worth seeing on the big screen though, and let’s face it, you’ve got nothing else better to do this weekend, so go see it.

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Jan 29 2015
37 Comments
Science Fiction

Let’s Talk Sci-Fi – What’s the Difference Between an Android and a Robot?

Gonna go out on a limb here and guess this is a robot.

Gonna go out on a limb here and guess this is a robot.

Geeks, dweebs, nerds, and poindexters of the world, assemble, for I have a doozy of a question for you.

What is the difference between an Android and a Robot?

As we’ve previously discussed, I’m working on a science fiction novel, and seeking the advice of nerds everywhere for help.  Don’t be offended by being called a nerd.  It’s a badge of honor, really.  Frankly, who wants advice about robotics from a non-nerd?

This is total nerd stuff, baby.

I find that in the science fiction world, the words “android” and “robot” are often used interchangeably.  But should that be the case?

The best advice I’ve found thus far:

“A robot can, but does not necessarily have to be in the form of a human, but an android is always in the form of a human.”

– Edmond Woychowsky, TechRepublic – “The Difference Between Robots and Androids, 2010

Click here for Woychowsky’s Full Article

Well, wait a minute.  That sounds simple enough at first, but what about C3P0?  He and his buddy RD2D are invariably referred to as “droids” in the Star Wars universe.  Haven’t you heard the infamous line from Obi-Wan Kenobi, “These aren’t the droids you’re looking for?”

C3P0 has a torso, arms, legs, a face with eyes, he is definitely modeled after a human, but he’s also built out of a golden colored metal, his arms and legs only move so much, his eyes are pretty much just sockets, and there’s just a slit where his mouth should be.

That’s not exactly a human, is it?  What did Edmond have to say?

“It can be argued that an android should be able to pass as a human in natural light. So, if you subscribe to this belief, C-3PO from Star Wars and R. Giskard Reventlov from Isaac Asimov’s The Robots of Dawn are robots, not androids.”

Seriously?  So George Lucas got something wrong?  In addition to Jar Jar???

So, if you take this android vs. robot information seriously, then C3P0 is a robot.  The robots from the film I, Robot, starring Will Smith, are robots (that’s a given, since they didn’t call it, I, Android).

Rosie, the Jetson family’s maid, is a robot.  C3P0, Rosie, and the I, Robot bots, all might have human-inspired designs, but if you were to see them, you would say, “Hey, that’s a robot!”

Apparently, the question of whether an “artificial being” is a robot or an android boils down to whether or not you can tell when you first meet said being.  As Woychowsky notes, Data from Star Trek: Next Generation, does appear to be a human, “albeit with an odd complexion.”

As an additional example, I would submit that Ash from the original Alien movie is an android.  He was so passable as a human that this is actually a major plot point of the film – he was passing as a crew member but in secret, was an android with a special mission.  For part of the film, the audience doesn’t even know he’s not a human.

So what say you, readers?  I need your nerdy opinions, because the novel I am working on, and sadly, procrastinating on, might feature robots, or it might feature androids, but I want to make sure I’m using the right terminology so that my nerd credentials are not questioned.

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Jan 29 2015
3 Comments
Movies

Ghostbusters Reboot

I wish it was a continuation (i.e. a sequel) rather than a reboot.

It could start with Ray (Dan Akyroyd) and Winston (Ernie Hudson) selling the old firehouse to a new group of female Ghostbusters.  After the cash is handed over and the papers are signed, Ray and Winston retire to Florida where they, oh I don’t know, become fishing boat captains.  Or buddy cops.

Perhaps this is overly-nerdy of me, but I feel like a reboot wipes out the past universe of a movie franchise, whereas a sequel continues it.

Unless you’re into varying timelines.  Or aren’t a nerd who spends too much time thinking about these things.

What say you, readers?  What are your thoughts on the Ghostbusters reboot?

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Jan 28 2015
6 Comments
Movies

My Quest to See All of This Year’s Oscar Nominated Movies

I’ve been talking a lot about movies lately.  You might as well start calling this blog “Movieshelf Battle.”  But what can I say?  I do love books.  But I also have movies.  And whether it is in a book or on the screen, a story is a story.

Here’s the list of this year’s 2015 Oscar Nominees:

American Sniper – Saw it.  Check out my review here.

Birdman (or the Unexpected Virtue of Ignorance) – Haven’t seen it.  As a former Batman, Michael Keaton plays a role he knows something about – that of an actor known for playing a superhero, and what happens to him in the film I’m not sure.  But I do love superheroes and was a fan of Keaton’s 1989 Batman, so I’ll have to check it out.

Boyhood – I’ve rented it but have yet to watch it.  People who have tell me that the story itself is pretty blah, but the idea of filming a child actor at different stages of his life (as opposed to having different kids play the character at different ages, which is what Hollywood usually does) is very unique and creative.

The Grand Budapest Hotel – Eh.  I’ve never been a huge Wes Anderson fan.  I love comedies.  Sometimes I think he might try too hard.  Other times I watch something like Hangover 3 and think that maybe Hollywood NEEDS to try harder when it comes to comedy.  It is nice to see a comedy in the best picture list though.  That rarely happens.  The late 1990’s As Good As It Gets with Jack Nicholson was the last Oscar recognized comedy that I can remember.

The Imitation Game – I have seen it!  I owe you a review!  In fact, I’m a little disappointed in myself for reviewing The Boy Next Door before The Imitation Game.

Selma – Haven’t seen it.  Been meaning to.  Looks good.  Lots of history.  Good for the historical record for this important time in U.S. history to be recorded on film.

The Theory of Everything – I’m glad Stephen Hawking got his own biopic.  He does more with a wheelchair and a keyboard than most able bodied people do all day.  Yet to see it.

Whiplash – Never seen it.  Has to something to do with a drummer who wants to learn to drum and receives help from a guy who is like some kind of drumming drill sergeant.  I’ll try to see it.

Anyway, those are the nominees.  My main complaint?  I wish they’d space these out over the year, rather than come out all at the same time.  But I suppose that’s the strategy – open them in a few theaters in December so they count as 2014 movie, then release them everywhere in January so people are talking about these movies come Oscar time.

I’m going to try my best to see and review them all before the Oscars.  Doubt I’ll make it, but let’s see what happens.  If you have reviews or comments about these movies, feel free to comment away.

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Jan 25 2015
5 Comments
Movies

Movie Review – The Boy Next Door (2015)

Oh J Lo.  How the mighty have fallen.

January is garbage movie month.  It’s not the summertime where people are on vacation and have time to go to a movie.  It isn’t Christmas time when families feel the need to get together and watch a movie in the spirit of togetherness, camaraderie, and all that nonsense.

Alas, January is the time when half the country is freezing their butts off and everyone is plugging away on New Year’s resolutions which will be tossed aside by March.

So naturally, I went into The Boy Next Door assuming I was walking into a pile of red hot smelly garbage.  To give it a backhanded compliment, it was only hot and smelly garbage, with the “red” adjective being unnecessary.  In other words, it was bad, but not as bad as I thought it would be, and not the worst movie I’ve seen…so I guess as January movies go, good job J Lo?

So, let’s get to the disturbing premise.  J Lo is estranged from her husband, Garrett, played by John Corbett. As they quickly show you in a massive detail dump of a beginning scene at the start of the movie, he cheated on J Lo with his secretary, thus introducing J Lo to a new low in her career, that of playing a woman who could possibly be cheated on.  (Listen, I still don’t buy it, if you have J Lo and you cheat on her, you’re just a greedy bastard, even if we are talking about middle-aged J Lo).

Twenty-year old Noah, played by Ryan Guzman, moves in next door, on the premise that he’s there to help an ailing Uncle, but as we learn later, Noah killed his parents, because,  I don’t know, he’s nuts I guess.  J Lo’s character, Claire (yes J Lo is old enough to play someone named Claire)  helps the young lad cook a meal and in a moment of weakness, she succumbs to his advances.

The whole idea is creepy and weird, and the writers make sure to stress that Noah is 20 years old, I assume in an attempt to make it less creepy and weird.  And while I’m not sure how old J Lo is, she has to be in her forties and the idea of her playing a character who gets with someone who probably wasn’t even born yet when she was a fly girl on In Living Color just seems like an odd choice for her acting to career to go in.

After all, I miss the J Lo who was a maid that won Matthew McConaughey’s heart in Maid in Manhattan or the J Lo who trained to kick her killer stalker husband’s ass in Enough.  Meanwhile, this movie was basically Enough meets The Graduate.

So, needless to say, Claire tries to break things off with Noah, but as previously mentioned, he’s nuts, and he’s not having any of it.  He stalks Claire, threatens her, harasses her.  The stakes are high because Claire is a teacher and Noah is attending Claire’s high school.  And while the writers, again, make it clear that Noah is 20, the situation would still cost Claire her job, standing in the community, any attempts to reconcile with her cheating husband who is trying to make amends for what he did, and so on.

Sigh.  I like J Lo.  And this isn’t the worst movie she’s made.  That award goes to Gigli.  Still, even if he is 20, the whole idea of her playing a teacher who has an affair with a student…its just disturbing and might be an indictment of Hollywood’s treatment of older actors.

After all, J Lo’s kept herself up well and doesn’t look much different from her Maid in Manhattan days, at least in my opinion, anyway.  And while her acting skills will probably never earn her an academy award (she’s always been a better singer and dancer), surely Hollywood could find some better roles for her to play.

But alas, no.  No matter how beautiful you are, or how long your career has been, if you’re over 40, Hollywood demands you play a stalked mother with marital problems.

As you know, the Bookshelf Battler is a lover of classic literature, and there was brief mention of the fact that Claire was a classic literature teacher.  There are some very brief classic lit discussions (not too many, we wouldn’t want to provide any thought provoking discussions to a January movie).

On a bad blind date with a man who belittles Classic Literature, arguing that it is not a good subject to study for one who wants employment, Claire points out JK Rowling as an example of a Classic Lit Major who made it big.  And true to form, I sat there with my popcorn, yelling in my mind, “And what about all the other Classic Lit Majors who end up in the slush pile, J Lo?!”

Sigh.  I’m such a cliche.  Don’t mind me.  Keep majoring in Classic Lit people.

Oh, and then there’s a scene where Noah gives Claire “a first edition copy of Homer’s The Iliad.”  I don’t have the heart to point out that a first-edition copy of The Iliad probably would have been printed on papyrus or a stone tablet.

So, in conclusion, it’s a movie that a) made me feel bad for J Lo b) was bad and c) wasn’t as bad as I thought it would be and d) pretty much what you can expect from a January movie.

Come on, March!  We need your better movies to distract us from our broken resolutions!

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Jan 24 2015
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Science Fiction

My Contributions to Star Wars Voicemail

#starwarsvoicemail is blowing up on twitter. Here are my contributions:

And my favorite, though I suppose it is a little dark:

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