– Zombie randomly dressed like one of the Village people, making you wonder if his other three friends are ok.
“Ugh…..brains….BRAINS!”
– A zombie who apparently was delivering a pizza when he was bitten because he just carries a large pepperoni with extra cheese everywhere he goes now.
“Bahhhh….ack…reading your dumb blog turned me into a zombie…”
– Formerly one of the 3.5 readers
Everyone’s a critic.
What about the zombie authors?
I must say, the online indie/self-publishing community is awesome.
Here’s what I naturally assumed was going to happen:
BQB: Hi! I’m Bookshelf Q. Battler, owner of a magic bookshelf and best friend of an alien. Would you like to talk to me about zombies in October?
AUTHORS: Security!!!!
And here’s what’s happened (and literally mostly in just the past day):
BQB: Hi! I’m Bookshelf Q. Battler, owner of a magic bookshelf and best friend of an alien. Would you like to talk to me about zombies in October?
AUTHORS: Sure, what do you need?
Amazing.
And let me tell you, if all goes well, what a diverse group we’ve got lined up, 3.5 readers.
Authors just starting. Authors who are old pros. Romantic zombie authors. Zombie survival authors. Funny zombie authors. It’s a veritable zombie-smorgasbord.
I’m not sure if any of them want me to put them out there just yet, but I’ll get a lineup out there eventually.
Dr. Hugo Von Science, Harbinger of the Zombie Apocalypse
Also, I’m not at 31 yet and ideally, I’d like to get well above 31 because, you know, things happen. Maybe an author changes his/her mind. Maybe they become zombies themselves. Maybe they have to tend to their own survivor groups. Who knows?
So if you know a zombie author, please let them know.
Clarification
One question that comes up – does the author have to be available on a certain day in October?
Answer – No. I’m hoping to get every author’s post finished by the end of September so everything’s ready to run in October.
It’s like you’re in a TV show! You taped it earlier, but it doesn’t run until later!
A TV show with only 3.5 people watching.
Any Special Guests?
They’re all special.
Who Gets the Coveted Halloween End of Interview Series Post?
As I said above, they’re all special. I was surprised any of them responded, because, I repeat, I’m a guy who claims to talk to aliens.
That being said, I received a yes from two personal heroes who have really inspired this nerd to clack away at the computer keys, so All Hallow’s Eve is all theirs.
I’ll hold off on the details until there’s an official Zombie Author Roster.
Isn’t this awesome?
It really is. 3.5, we’re going to be talking the some of the greatest minds in the zombie-sphere. So many brains in one place. Keep the zombies away.
So what’s next?
Here’s where it gets tricky.
To those just tuning in, I’m on a one post a day challenge. One post on this blog every day for a year.
I’m thinking this zombie challenge really ups the game a bit. I will have to redouble my efforts because at the end of the day, I want these 31 zombie authors and their fans (zombie and human alike) to be happy.
So, roll up my sleeves I will. I have to make a spreadsheet just to keep track of all the authors and who I’ve asked what.
And zombie authors tuning in, the tough part will be coordinating my zombie apocalypse story with your interview.
I foresee each day will bring a new entry in BQB’s Zombie Apocalypse Survivor’s Journal.
Day 1 will be longer because it’s the set up of how BQB, VGRF and Alien Jones get trapped in the East Randomtown Mall in the midst of a zombie horde and have to make their way home.
Each day, BQB will update the 3.5 readers with the latest action in the apocalypse and then pause for a Q and A with a zombie author.
Some of those q’s will be advice on zombie apocalypse survival. That’s probably going to be depend on the individual authors. Hopefully, some will play along. Others I fear may just tell me that’s dumb, though hey, no one’s told me no yet so who knows.
What BQB asks will vary amongst the authors, so I’m going to have to do a lot of planning.
There will be questions about writing craft, self publishing, etc. which, ok, yes that’s silly. BQB, evil undead creatures are trying to eat you, why are you talking about writing?
That’ll be one of those “please suspend your disbelief” moments, 3.5.
What are your questions?
Readers, something like this rarely happens, so don’t waste it. What questions do you have for our zombie experts?
You might remember I proposed this idea in July and now September is rapidly approaching.
I’ve had some time to think about it, so if you’re a zombie author interested in helping Bookshelf Q. Battler and friends survive the zombie apocalypse this October, here are the revised details:
Q. What’s this now?
A. #31ZombieAuthors – (see hashtag on Twitter). I’m recruiting thirty one zombie authors to participate. There are thirty one days in October, so I’d like to interview one per day. Ideally, I’d like to recruit MORE than thirty one in case someone isn’t able to participate as planned (life happens and all) and if that leads to more than thirty one interviews, that’s great.
Q. And what is going to happen?
For thirty one days, Bookshelf Q. Battler (that’s me, I like to talk about myself in the third person) will write daily entries in his “Zombie Apocalypse Survivor’s Journal.”
The setup:
Bookshelf Q. Battler, his girlfriend Video Game Rack Fighter, and their alien buddy, Alien Jones aka the Esteemed Brainy One attend a scientific demonstration at the East Randomtown Mall (the shopping headquarters of our hero’s home town).
Alas, the demonstration is run by the mad scientist known as Dr. Hugo Von Science. Some say he’s incompetent. Others say he produces failed inventions for the purposes of spreading chaos. On this blog, we just know him as our humble science correspondent.
Long story short, Dr. Hugo’s experiment goes awry, the crowd of gawkers are turned into zombies, and BQB, VGRF and AJ go on the run in a desperate month long quest for survival.
It’s going to vary from author to author, but I propose anywhere from three-five questions. Maybe more or less but at any rate I’m not looking to be a burden on anyone’s time.
Some of the questions might be about zombie survival techniques. For example, BQB might ask you, as a noted zombie expert (after all, you wrote a zombie book) a particular question about how to defeat the zombies or how to survive, etc.
Also, this is a blog where writing and self publishing is discussed, so BQB might discuss your craft as well.
This is all meant to be lighthearted and fun, non-intrusive, and I really want everyone to walk away feeling as though their time was well spent.
When your day in October comes up, it will be something like:
“BQB’S Survivor Journal, Day 10, Today I was so concerned about the zombie epidemic that I spoke to Fred Smith, Author of Zombie Book.”
Q. I don’t know about this.
I don’t blame you. I’m a grown man who claims to be the owner of a magic bookshelf as well as the best buddy of an alien. Who wouldn’t kick the tires a bit on that scenario?
I get it. You’re running your own self-published author business. Your reputation is everything and you don’t want it being brought down.
Allow me to offer the following:
I’ll email you questions. You write back with your responses.
If you don’t like the finished post, and we can’t figure out a way to fix it that’ll make you happy, it’ll just come down. No problem.
Q. This isn’t like a typical blog interview I’ve done. Why all the interactivity?
I’m a big fan of Jimmy Fallon, who has successfully reinvented the stodgy, decades old late night talk show formula.
Remember Johnny Carson? What would happen? Some celebrity comes on, drones on and on about himself, Johnny pretends to be interested, Ed shouts out the occasional, “Ho, ho, ho, you are correct, sir!”
Jimmy plays games with his guests. Scar Jo comes on, guesses what’s in the box Jimmy’s holding, they have fun, I enjoy watching it and I’m reminded Scar Jo has a new movie coming out.
That’s the gist of what I try to do here.
With Alien Jones’ “Ask the Alien” column, twenty-one authors have asked the alien a question, and received plugs for their books and blogs in his answer.
Note that AJ has also given the “don’t like it, the post comes down” pledge and thus far, not one author has complained. Typically, they even tweet out, reblog and otherwise promote their alien interaction.
Q. I’m lost. What’s your blog about?
Here it is in a nutshell:
I’m Bookshelf Q. Battler. I own a magic bookshelf. When I put a book on it, the book characters come to life.
My friend is Alien Jones, an intergalactic emissary sent by the despotic space dictator, “The Mighty Potentate,” to answer questions in a column on my blog to raise humanity’s intelligence levels and prevent the spread of reality tv throughout the universe.
My girlfriend is Video Game Rack Fighter. We met while on a spiritual quest to consult the Great Guru about the meaning of life.
There are other ancillary characters who occasionally stop by, namely, The Yeti, Dr. Hugo, the ghost of my exceptionally grumpy uncle, just to name a few.
This blog is my chance to entertain my 3.5 readers.
Q. 3.5 readers?
It’s an ongoing joke. I can’t lie and tell you this blog is conquering the world, but it has been growing steadily since its inception in 2014. The gist of the joke is that as long as 3.5 people are reading, I’ll be motivated to keep writing.
Q. Can you tell me your name? I’d feel better about being interviewed.
A. Sure. My/BQB’s real name is Eduardo Ricardo Papageorgio Von Finkelstein.
Q. No. Your real name.
Oh! You’re talking about nasty rumors that Bookshelf Q. Battler, Alien Jones, all of these characters aren’t real and that some random guy behind the scenes is pretending to be everyone.
Ridiculous! Preposterous, I say!
In theory though, if that were true, a guy like that would probably prefer to keep himself on the down low, at least until his writing starts paying the bills, so as to not find himself being hauled into an HR meeting to explain why he claims to be best friends with an alien.
You’d be surprised how few people outside of BQB’s 3.5 readers have a sense of humor.
Q. Thanks, but I’d rather not be involved.
I understand, kemo sabe. I don’t want to harsh your mellow. We’re all just fellow travelers on this spaceship called Earth so you be you and I’ll be me, man. Far out. Groovy. You dig it?
Q. This sounds awesome. I’m in!
Huzzah! I’ll be in touch with your questions! Ideally, I’d like to get all 31 posts in the can by September 20 so it can all go off without a hitch once October rolls around.
And I’m still recruiting, so if you know any zombie authors, spread the word,
Q. But I’m not a zombie.
Humans who write about zombies are acceptable, but if there is a zombie out there who has managed to write a book despite decaying hands and lack of a thought process, he’s welcome as long as he promises not to bite me.
Hey everyone! You might remember in July I put out a call to recruit authors of zombie books to participate in a fun month long event in October – “31 Zombie Authors.” Each day, Bookshelf Q. Battler will present a new page in his Zombie Apocalypse Survivor’s Journal, featuring an interview with an author of a zombie book.
I haven’t forgotten you, zombie authors, and will be getting in touch with questions soon. In the meantime, here is how I foresee the story beginning.
FYI if you’re a zombie author and you want in, please let me know.
WELCOME TO THE EAST RANDOMTOWN MALL
Thank you for choosing to do your shopping here, instead of that damn Internet, which we’re sure is totally just a fad that will die out any minute now.
Three stores are still open and we asked the manager of the pretzel stand to stop spitting into the batter.
Also, the police caught that weirdo who was stabbing people at random.
Enjoy your visit and please tell your friends we’re still open.
No, seriously. Please tell them. PLEASE!
It was a chilly fall Saturday afternoon.
I’d been stressed out lately. Almost a year into a one post a day challenge on my website, “The Bookshelf Battle Blog,” and I was only at a mere 3.5 readers.
The bad news was that Aunt Gertie had given up on it, labeling it “too pedestrian.” Everyone’s a critic.
The son I never had.
The good news was that I gained a new reader to replace her, so it was a wash.
On top of reader recruitment woes, my attorney, Delilah K. Donnelly, had warned me that she was pretty sure that Jake Hatcher, my site’s Pop Culture Detective, wanted to pound my face flat for withholding the secret of his 60 year nap from him.
I needed a day off.
My girlfriend/video game correspondent, Video Game Rack Fighter, held my hand as we strolled past a whole row of empty stores, the steel gates yanked shut to prevent bums from turning them into makeshift condos.
“This place used to be jammed packed on Saturdays,” I said. “Bernie and I would grab a table at the food court and practice our beats all day long.”
Bernie Plotznick, my old East Randomtown High School buddy. In the late 90’s/early 2000’s, Bernie and I were a two-man rap duo known as, “The Funky Hunks.” If you like good rap, you’ve never heard of us. If you were a soccer mom around that time, you probably threw your blue denim stretch pants on our stage, as our non-threatening, goody two shoes style made us a hit with the over forty ladies’ circuit.
But I digress.
“I miss the arcade,” VGRF said. “My mom used to drive me and my sister here all the way from West Randomtown just to play.”
Randomtown began as a settlement in pre-USA colonial days. Alas, a split came when Zebediah Weston accused Jericho Eastward of oggling his sister’s ankles. War was declared, a bloodbath ensued, and the town was divided down the middle.
VGRF and I were from opposite sides of the tracks, but somehow we made it work.
“Pitiful humans,” came a low, baritone voice from my right side. “Outsource your economy to the machines and eventually they take control. This is exactly what happened to those dimwitted Moloklaxons, the…”
“We know, AJ,” VGRF interrupted. “The a-holes of the universe.”
“Exactly.”
Oh, if you’re just tuning in, I should inform you that the Mighty Potentate, the maniacal despotic overlord of a planet the name of which I’ve been repeatedly told is none of my business, has decreed that I am the chosen one.
Specifically, said all powerful being:
Is a big fan of fiction and scripted television
Was aghast when he discovered just how many reality television programs Earth has produced.
Fears that a day will come when Earthlings will learn how to broadcast this trash throughout the cosmos, thus turning other alien races stupid and replacing his beloved scripted programming with shows about models shopping for clothes.
Has dispatched his emissary, Alien Jones, aka “The Esteemed Brainy One,” a three foot tall green alien with almond shaped eyes and a bulbous head atop a skinny body, to help get my writing career off the ground by promoting my blog through an “Ask the Alien” column.
It’s a lot of pressure knowing that an extra-terrestrial dictator believes my fiction may one day prevent the dumbening of the entire universe. I try not to think about it.
Alien Jones usually beamed his columns to my blog from his ship and only visited my home, the Bookshelf Battle Compound, on Thursdays for Scandal night. It’s become a regular tradition. He brings the dip.
Other than that, this was the first time we’d gone out in public together.
The little guy was in disguise. Earlier, he dug into a box of old clothing Aunt Gertie had saved from when I was a kid and put on my “East Randomtown Mascots” baseball cap, a striped shirt, a pair of corduroy pants, sneakers and a little beige zip up barracuda jacket. A scarf covered most of his face.
He also borrowed VGRF’s sunglasses to cover his out of this world peepers. They were purple and girly, but Alien Jones doesn’t have any junk, so I don’t think he cared.
“AJ, are you sure it’s safe for you to be out here?” I asked. “I don’t want the government catching you and slicing you up or anything.”
“Fear not,” AJ replied. “If anyone asks, I am a typical Earth boy. My interests include super heroes, sports teams, and amphibians with martial arts training.”
The Esteemed Brainy One barged his way between VGRF and myself and reached his three fingered hands up to grab ours.
“We are an average Earth family on a visit to the commerce emporium,” Alien Jones said. “Anyone who implies otherwise will be vaporized.”
The key to the Mighty Potentate’s rule was his vaporization technology, which he used to turn anyone who disappointed him in the slightest way into a fine mist. As one of the MP’s trusted advisors, AJ was allowed to carry a vaporization pistol, though in any given week, the Mightiest of Potentates threatened to make AJ use it on himself unless his various missions were carried out.
My writing career was one of many MP mandated tasks AJ was juggling. I felt for the guy. He was swamped.
“AJ!” I said. “You didn’t bring your vaporizer with you did you?”
An old lady who’d been walking near us overheard me and ducked down in front of my alien.
“Vaporizer? Oh no, what’s the matter? Does this poor little guy have a cold?”
She reached under the scarf to pinch AJ’s cheek. VGRF and I looked at each other, unsure what to do.
“He does feel a little clammy.”
The thing you have to understand is that Alien Jones’ normal speaking voice sounds more or less like that smooth ass soul singer Barry White.
That’s pretty cool…unless you’re supposed to be a kid.
“Unhand me hideous creature.”
The old woman stood up, shocked and in a panic, practically ready to have a heart attack.
VGRF swooped in with a save.
“He’s got a sore throat,” she said. “And possibly ADD. We’re getting him tested.”
Befuddled, the lady walked away. We carried on.
“You know if you’re supposed to be a kid you probably don’t want to sound like you’re going to break out in a love ballad,” I said.
“Right,” the alien replied, and then after shifting his voice lower to mimic that of a little kid’s, added, “How’s this, daddy?”
Here, I should point out there’s little Alien Jones can’t do. Mind reading. Voice changing. You name it.
“Incredibly creepy,” I said. “And don’t call me daddy ever again.”
“AJ,” VGRF said, “What could possibly be happening at this mall that was so important to drag us out here anyway?”
As we closed in on the food court, the Esteemed Brainy One relinquished my hand, and pointed toward a stage.
On it, a video monitor had been set up.
Displayed on it were the words:
Today only at one p.m.
Infamous Inventor Dr. Hugo Von Science Presents His Latest Achievement:
The Reality TV Star Transmogrifier!
My diminutive friend returned to his bass voice.
“The Mighty Potentate demands I purchase every one in stock.”
The authors of zombie books or “zombie authors” are starting to express interest.
As you recall, this October, Bookshelf Battle will briefly become “Spookyshelf Battle” and if all goes to plan, 31 authors of zombie books will provide me with daily advice on how to escape the zombie apocalypse that will descend upon East Randomtown due to a Dr. Hugo Von Science experiment gone awry.
What questions do you have for our esteemed zombie author guests, oh wise 3.5 readers?
Not when you’re as big a fan of that holiday as I am.
And not when you’ve got a big idea in mind.
Today, my main squeeze Video Game Rack Fighter and I took a walk, did some shopping, and we stopped by a fortune teller who’d set up shop and was predicting futures at five bucks a pop.
VGRF talked me into it and, much to my shock, this mysterious gypsy lady with a kiosk next to the Orange Julius stand at the East Random Town Mall prognosticated the following:
That on October 1 of this year:
VGRF, Alien Jones, myself, and possibly The Yeti will take in a scientific demonstration by my mentor, the esteemed Dr. Hugo Von Science.
That Dr. Hugo, through his gross incompetence, will botch his experiment, thus causing a zombie outbreak to sweep over my hometown.
VGRF, Alien Jones, and myself will be left with no choice but to fight our way through the undead hordes until we reach the safety of the Bookshelf Battle Compound.
Perhaps we’ll even come up a cure for the zombie epidemic in the process.
But to get through this, we will need the assistance of 31, count em, 31 Zombie Authors.
ALIEN JONES: Zombie authors?! That’s ridiculous! They can’t even hold a pen.
BQB: No, I mean authors who have written self-published books about zombies. Though, hey, if there’s an actual function zombie who is an author, I’ll gladly talk to him as long as he promises not to bite me.
Every day, as a new part of the story unfolds, a self published zombie author will take a question from a member of our merry band of unlikely heroes.
Questions will mostly come from me, but Alien Jones and/or possibly the Yeti might have some inquiries. Maybe even Dr. Hugo will participate.
I’ve also heard rumors of this thing called “Women’s Lib” so hell, Video Game Rack Fighter will have some questions too.
Examples:
DAY 1 – We need some supplies. Author Fred Fredman of Super Scary Zombie Book, can you tell us the essentials of what a zombie apocalypse survivor needs to fend off the undead masses?
DAY 2 – The Yeti was just bitten by a zombie. Author Kate Katerson of Incredibly Frightening Zombie Book, do you know if zombie bites affect animals?
DAY 3 – We’re holed up in an abandoned shack and the TV’s working. Author Annie Annerson of You’ll Crap Your Pants if You Read this Zombie Book! Which zombie movie do you recommend we watch to pass the time and why?
I don’t know. Just some initial questions off the top of my head.
Heck, you non-horror authors could get in on this too. Submit questions you’d like to know about how to survive the zombie apocalypse and maybe one of the members of our survivor party will pass it along to an interested zombie author.
ANTICIPATED QUESTIONS ABOUT THIS IDEA:
1) Just self-published horror authors?
Not necessarily. If you’re a traditionally published zombie author, I’d love for you to participate as well. If you have a zombie blog or are some other kind of zombie writer, let’s talk.
Hell, if you’re George Romero, you can just take the blog over.
2) You do a lot of interactivity on this blog. Why a story? Why not just a straight-up interview?
In today’s rapid information age, anything fun is going to be checked out more than a traditional approach.
Take all the late night talk shows these days.
Long ago, all the stars would just sit on the couch and shoot the bull with Johnny and Ed. It was boring as hell.
We love stars but their stories about their acting method or the lunch they ate that gave them a tummy ache or whatever? Who cares.
Jimmy Fallon does hilarious bits with his guests instead. Be honest. Do you want to listen to Scar Jo babble about how hard it was to pretend to be whoever she just pretended to be, or do you want to see her play a rousing game of “Box of Lies” with Jimmy?
NBC – Box of Lies – The Tonight Show Starring Jimmy Fallon
I loved that. There you go. Scar Jo’s latest movie promoted. I’m left thinking she’s a ball of fun and I wasn’t bored with a story about her acting process.
“Let’s Promote Ourselves with Fun” is what I’ve been going for with Alien Jones’ “Ask the Alien” Column, and that’s what I’m going for with this idea as well.
3) So what are you looking for?
Your choice of length to an answer posed by myself or one of my buddies. I’d say 500 words or so sounds decent, but more if you’re willing.
We could come to an agreement on what question would be best for you. If you have one in mind you want to be asked, that’s possible.
4) Are you going to make me look stupid?
Your books, blogs, reputation as a writer, they’re all important to you, as they should be. I fully understand. Hell, I’ve put so much work into my persona as”Bookshelf Q. Battler,” I’d be unhappy if someone besmirched BQB.
I’d envision the post with:
A) A quick synopsis of what happened today (day of post) with BQB’s friends vs. the zombies.
B) A quick overview of you, the author, including links to your books and or blogs and or Amazon page (or wherever you’re selling them)
C) An answer YOU WRITE that I’m not going to change. They’ll be your words, so you can’t go wrong.
5) I’m still skeptical.
I don’t blame you. I’m a guy claiming to own a magic bookshelf and also that I’m an alien’s friend. It’s understandable that you’d want to kick the tires on this one.
To that end:
A) Alien Jones has had 17 satisfied customers in his Ask the Alien column so far. I’ve never received a complaint from an author who participated yet. Usually they’re pleased enough that they retweet or share AJ’s witty commentary on their own blogs.
B) Alien Jones has a “Don’t Like it and It Gets Taken Down No Problem Guarantee.” If it turns out you don’t like the post, let me know, and it’ll come down. If we can fix it to your liking, that’s great. If not, no hard feelings. I get that writing is a business and you have to do what you have to do. No muss, no fuss, no problem.
But luckily, no author has asked for that yet. And I believe that’s a sign that when you take part in this, you’re in good hands with me and my alien.
6) Keep talking.
At present, I have 1,250 (approx) WordPress followers, 5,400 Twitter followers, and over 500 Google Plus followers. All will be notified of your awesomeness.
7) I’m not one of your 3.5 readers, so I’m not up to speed on your blog and therefore unsure if I could respond to one of your friends’ questions.
No problem. Here’s the lowdown:
Bookshelf Q. Battler = the owner of a magic bookshelf where small versions of literary characters come to life and fight over limited shelf space.
Video Game Rack Fighter = Bookshelf Q. Battler’s girlfriend and author of a video game review column hopefully coming soon, if she ever comes up for air from playing Arkham Knight.
Alien Jones – The Mighty Potentate, ruler of an undisclosed planet, is displeased with the growing popularity of reality television. He’s a fan of scripted media and feels promotion of fiction authors is the only hope to stem the reality tv tide. To that end, the MP has dispatched his emissary, Alien Jones, to answer questions from self-published authors and in the process, make Earth a smarter place one question at a time. Alien Jones truly believes in this mission, and isn’t doing it just because the Mighty Potentate has threatened to vaporize him if he abandons his assignment before BQB’s writing career is off the ground.
The Yeti – An international war criminal and fuzzy snow monster, The Yeti is currently imprisoned deep in the bowels of the Bookshelf Battle Compound. However, BQB isn’t completely heartless and allows the big lug out once a week to watch Scandal. Alien Jones brings the bean dip.
Dr. Hugo Von Science – A distinguished professor of science at Science University, Dr. Hugo is this blog’s science correspondent and holds patents on over a bazillion inventions. We’re fairly certain he might be plotting a global conquest in his spare time, but his generally goodnatured demeanor covers up his underlying intentions well.
There you go. That’s the blog in a nutshell. It’s a labor of love for me, and it’s enjoyed daily by 3.5 people, one of whom is my Aunt Gertrude.
(There are some subsidiary, occasional characters. Uncle Hardass, the ghost of my grumpy uncle, shows up once in awhile to tell me to give up all of my hopes and dreams of becoming a writer and get a job at the salt mines. The Funky Hunks are a rap group I used to belong to and they show up now and then too. Oh, and a whole slew of tiny book characters live on my magic bookshelf).
Don’t get me started on Bookshelf Q. Battledog.
I don’t believe the subsidiaries will get involved but you never know. 31 days means I need to come up with a lot of ideas to keep a story going.
8) You had me until you said you have 3.5 readers. Doesn’t seem worth it.
“3.5 Readers” is an ongoing, inside joke for this blog. In the beginning, I really did only have 3.5 readers. But I pressed forward and now I have more. Like any blog, I have up days and down days. I’d say on a good day I get anywhere around 30-70 hits.
Views are often double, sometimes triple, the hit count and I believe this is because people who do find this blog like it enough to stick around and read some more.
At any rate, I’ll do what I can to make this a fun, month long Zombie fiesta. On my own, I’m going to be writing about The Walking Dead and the new Fear the Walking Dead and overall, if this works out, it’s just going to be 31 days of zombies.
9) What’s in it for you?
Cross promotion, basically. If you enjoy what you see here, I hope you’ll do want you can to point folks to my ramblings. Not required, of course. That’s about it.
10) So now what?
At this point, I’d just like to get the ball rolling. I’m starting early because to recruit 31 people to respond to a daily ongoing story is going to be like herding cats.
Right now, I’d just like to see who’s interested enough to let me know. If you want in, Tweet me @bookshelfbattle or tell me in the comments here.
You can send me a private message on Twitter too. Just tweet me to let me know you sent it so it doesn’t get lost in the mass of spam I get from folks trying to sell me timeshares, miracle ointments, and **Cough cough*** self published books.
I’d say by mid-August, if I can wrangle enough authors to be interested in this, then I’ll be able to see who’s who, what’s what and come up with better questions that would apply to various authors.
If it’s a go, I’d like to get questions to you late August, or September and have 31 posts in the can by the time October rolls around.
But then again, this could be a dumb idea.
If it fizzles out and goes nowhere, then hey, I tried. You’ve got to try, right?
Feel free to share with anyone you think would be interested. If I see enough interest, I’ll start getting in touch with folks with formal instructions at the end of the summer.
Leave me your thoughts, 3.5.
Until next time, this has been Bookshelf Q. Battler and Video Game Rack Fighter, signing off:
Angry ghosts terrorize a family and I haven’t missed a little person actor this much since the last lull I had to go through between Game of Thrones seasons four and five.
Bookshelf Q. Battler here with a review of Poltergeist.
SPOOKY SPOILERS AHEAD
Let me lay it out for you, 3.5 readers.
Hollywood suits are, first and foremost, businessmen. They put big bucks into the films that entertain us and they want a surefire return on their investment. Therefore, remakes, reboots, and sequels of films that already hit it big are here to stay.
That’s not always a bad thing but let’s be honest with this one.
Zelda Rubinstein, the diminutive actress who played Tangina the Clairvoyant in the original Poltergeist in 1982, is what made this franchise. Who can forget her creepy pleas of “Carol Ann, come into the light?”
Well, the millennials can or never knew about her in the first place, so alas, this film is their introduction to a series that got its start through the legendary Steven Spielberg.
Maybe it’s because too much time has passed. Maybe because in 1982 people knew less about technology and getting sucked into your TV seemed more like something to be worried about back then.
Or maybe it’s just that movies like Saw upped the game. Maybe there are too many real world terrors to get spooked by a goofy movie.
Despite all these maybes, a sequel to a classic has the mission of living up to the original and this one didn’t.
Let me admit I’m biased. I’m not a huge fan of the horror genre in the first place. All of those movies are, more or less, the same thing. Something goes bump in the night. Everyone thinks the person who heard the bump first is crazy. The naughty ghosts finally make their presence clear. Usually, someone who’s been acting like a jerk buys the farm in an ironic manner to the audience’s delight (although that trope isn’t present in this film).
Zelda’s little feet left some big shoes to fill and although Jared Harris of Mad Men fame delivers a solid attempt as TV ghost investigator personality Carrigan Burke, older viewers are just left wishing our favorite clairvoyant was around to give us one last turn.
The setup? It’s been so long that it feels like a remake but it’s actually a sequel. Sam Rockwell leads the cast as father of the Bowen clan. The family moves to the neighborhood where the Freelings were attacked by a poltergeist in the early 1980’s.
NOTE: Before making a move, do some research to find out if your new neighborhood has a history of poltergeist activity.
A gaggle of fiendish ghosts trapped Freeling daughter Carol Ann in the TV in the original film and not to be outdone, they trap Madison, the baby of the Bowen family, in a flat screen this time around.
Oh those poltergeists. What a bunch of one trick ponies.
(This is the part where some nerd will explain to me that the kids weren’t really trapped in the TVs, so much as they were pulled into an alternate dimension and the TV signal carries their voice to our dimension. That’s true, Madison actually gets taken through a portal in the closet. Thank you for clarifying, nerds.)
My favorite part of the flick? Son Griffin’s drone toy is piloted into the great beyond.
I want a drone. I really do.
STATUS: It’s not the worst movie I’ve ever seen, but the time I wasted in the theater watching it will be the last time I see it. The people behind the film did their best and it’s not like they could have just hired another little person because Zelda’s performance can’t be recreated with any degree of success. It’s worth a rental but don’t rush out anytime soon.
Bookshelf Q. Battler here. Tonight, The Siberian Yeti allowed me to watch one of my favorite shows, The Walking Dead.
It was the first time my super annoying house guest had ever seen the show. He liked it. All of the post-apocalyptic carnage reminded him of his home in Siberia, except the show is slightly nicer.
My observations, in no particular order:
Rick’s group members are coming in to their own. Glenn’s becoming skilled at leading beyond the wall. Abraham’s taking over as wall construction leader. Rick’s the new sheriff in town again. Noah’s trying to become an architect for the community.
Which is sad because that beginning scene where Noah expresses an interest in architecture was apparently a rouse to make us not think he’s about to become zombie lunch. RIP Noah. We hardly knew ye.
Eugene is developing some guts and good for him. He’s right! He did get the group to DC, albeit in a morally reprehensible manner.
Don’t mess with Carol.
Rick Grimes = other man’s wife smoocher = the new Shane?
Ironic that Maggie eavesdrops on Father Gabriel warning Deanna about Rick’s group. A few episodes back, Maggie told Gabriel off, leaving him so depressed he tossed away his collar. Could a little kindness from Maggie have kept his loyalty?
Gabriel’s warning plus Aidan’s death – will that turn Deanna and the community against Rick’s group?
What did you think about tonight’s episode? Discuss!
Hello 3.5 readers! Are you stuck in a horror movie and being chased by a fictional psychopath? (Then why are you reading this blog? RUN!)
But, if you have a minute while said psycho is taking a breather, then Bookshelf Q. Battler is here with the top ten helpful tips to get you through this Friday the 13th, based on all of the horror movies I’ve seen:
10) Don’t go upstairs. Only go upstairs if there is no other direction to go in. If you can go out of the house, then go out of the house. Really, what do you think will happen when you get upstairs? The killer just corners you because the only way out of the house when you are upstairs is via a fatal drop to the ground.
9) Don’t be rude. In horror movies, rude people tend to buy the farm in epic ways that make the audience feel a great catharsis. At least one person watching the film will shout out, “Oh my God I’m glad that guy’s dead!”
8) Don’t choose this particular time to confess your love to someone. Yes, they’ll be so glad that you finally made a move after waiting so long. And yes, an overly ironic writer will take great delight in turning you into murderer fodder.
7) Skinny dipping. Don’t do it. Night. Naked. Stuck in the water. You’re a sitting duck. And honestly, have you looked in a mirror lately? You shouldn’t be skinny dipping anyway. (That’s just a joke. My 3.5 readers are all supermodels).
6) Don’t tempt fate. Has an old gypsy woman told you that if you say a magic phrase while rubbing an ancient talisman, a murderer will come to life and murder everyone? Well, here’s a thought then, STOP RUBBING THE TALISMAN!!! Why let curiosity get the better of you? Whenever someone warns you against doing something, don’t do it!
5) Trip and fall while running. WTF? Seriously, you pick now to be a klutz? Steady those feet, there’s a madman on the loose!
4) Get separated from the group. I don’t care how badly your friends stink. This is not the time to be a loner.
3) Perform routine maintenance on your car. Cars have a tendency to quit whenever a bloodthirsty fiend is on a rampage. Get your car inspected. Check your tire pressure. Change your oil. Get your battery checked. Take your ride to a competent mechanic once in awhile to make sure everything is in order. Honestly, murderous fiend or no, you should be doing all this stuff anyway. You don’t want to get stranded on the side of the road, do you?
2) DON’T ASSUME THE KILLER IS DEAD. This is literally the main horror movie trope that gets me worked up every time. The murderer is clearly a massive, hulking juggernaut of a beast. The protagonist of the film gives him a little tap with a stick or something and assumes the murderer is a goner.
NO! Assume nothing! Drop a grenade in his pants! Set him on fire! Shoot him twenty times in various places! Go to town on him with a ginsu knife! Dance the Texas Two-Step on his face!
(NOTE: Bookshelf Battle does not condone violence and this discussion is for fictional purposes only. You never know, one of my 3.5 readers might be a greedy corrupt lawyer).
1) DON’T GO IN THERE! Hey, you! Yeah, you. The guy going in there. Stop going in there! Can’t you hear everyone in the theater telling you to NOT go in there!
Thank you, Bookshelf Battle Readers. Happy Friday the 13th. I must now return to the basement, where the Yeti is holding me captive, yet somehow I manage to blog whenever he’s not looking, because he’s kind of stupid.
Follow me on twitter to help me escape unjust Yeti occupation and don’t forget, Alien Jones is taking your questions until midnight Friday night.
Did I miss your favorite horror movie trope? Add it in the comments.
Bookshelf Battle 