Oh Hollywood. You’re always making men look so much better than we are, thus letting women down whenever we fart or burp or do something that doesn’t live up to your ultra high standards.
Is your girlfriend way too addicted to Romance Movies? Check this fabulous list to be sure.
Ahh, Easter. That wondrous holiday where Christians celebrate the glorious resurrection of their lord and savior, Jesus Christ…by finding colorful eggs hidden by an anthropomorphic bunny rabbit. Additional activities include eating a lot of food and finding baskets full of candy, which is also eaten…almost immediately.
Candy is the name of the game with this post, 3.5 readers. From BQB HQ in fabulous East Randomtown, here are the Top Ten Best Kinds of Easter Candy:
#10 – Orange Jelly Beans
All other jelly beans stink compared to the orange ones. Why do they even make black licorice jelly beans? Who is the asshat that steal eats those? Someone must be or they’d stop making them.
Sure, cherry or lemon or other types of fruity beans will do. Jelly Belly makes some fine gourmet jelly beans. I’m a fan of their buttered popcorn and toasted coconut beans. But when it comes to maximum deliciousness, it’s orange all the way.
Seriously. Handing me a black licorice jelly bean and telling me it is just as good as an orange jelly bean is like handing me Lena Dunham while she’s eating cake on the toilet and telling me she’s just as hot as Megan Fox.
Was that a mean, rude and insensitive comment? Probably. But that’s how much I love orange jelly beans. Give me one of those plastic bags shaped like a bunny’s carrot where the orange beans turn the carrot orange and I’m good for the day.
#9 – Reese’s Peanut Butter Cup Eggs
You got your chocolate in my peanut butter! You got your peanut butter in my chocolate!
Who cares? Delicious and nutritious (although probably not really) I say.
I like to bite the chocolate off of the peanut butter and then eat the peanut butter after the chocolate has been bitten off. It just seems like a fun thing to do, although now that I think about it, it’s probably a blow to chocolate/peanut butter desegregation. These two flavors really deserve to mix together in my mouth and be happy.
#8 – Cadbury Mini Eggs
Mmm. Sweet chocolates on the inside. Sweet candy shell on the outside. They’re like cocaine to me. If they sold them all year round I’d be a diabetic by now. Kids, lay off the candy, that’s some shit you don’t want. Adults, it’s not too late for you. Lay off that shit too.
#7 – Cadbury Creme Eggs
Speaking of diabetes, is there anything sweeter than the cream inside a Cadbury Creme Egg?
Personally, I always bite the chocolate top off of one of these bad boys, then I’ll get my tongue up that…well, that makeshift hole and start licking and slurping until all that creme is gone and…wait….are we still talking about candy?
#6 – Whoppers Robin Eggs
Malt. It’s kind of an old fashioned flavor. Don’t believe me? Ask someone who was alive in the 1950s if they ever visited a “malt shoppe.” But Whoppers never gave up on the malty goodness. I prefer to suck on these delicious chocolatey malt balls (yes, I know how that sounds) and let the malt seep into my tongue until it pickles.
#5 – Russell Stover Easter Eggs
When you’re done performing cunnilingus on that Cadbury Creme Egg (you know you will now that I suggested to it you if you weren’t doing it before), it’s time to graduate to the Russell Stover eggs.
That Russell Stover does some good shit with chocolate eggs, let me tell you. Creme, marshmallow, you name it.
#4 – Starburst Jelly Beans
While I still maintain that all jelly beans should be orange and only orange, if you can’t get your hands on any orange beans, or jelly bellies, then Starburst beans are pretty fruity and flavorful. They’ve put many pounds on my butt over the years. Also, not a single black licorice in the bunch.
#3 – Hershey’s Carrot Cake Kisses
You know, I could be engaging in candy rating malpractice, largely because I’ve never had one of these before. They are new, but people tell me they are orgasmic and to die for. This surprises me because I feel like carrot cake is ok. I mean, I’ll eat it if it’s there but I’ve never been like, “OMG I have a carrot cake craving and I must have it!” Still, many people have given these high marks, so I’ll add them to the list.
Have you had one? Tell me what you think.
#2 – Peeps
Yummy marshmallow inside. Delicious sugary coating on the outside. Get the bunnies and bite scores of ears off, or get the chicks and behead them with your teeth. Yes, you get your jollies off by torturing candy animals, don’t you, you big weirdo?
#1 – Chocolate Bunnies
Speaking of torturing candy animals, is there a candy animal that is abused more than the chocolate bunny?
Seriously. What do you bite off first? The ears, of course. Yes…bite those ears off, so that little hollow rascal can’t hear you as you laugh and laugh at his pain, as you guffaw and chuckle at his helpless state!
Not that I’ve thought this through. Ears, face, butt. That’s how I eat a chocolate bunny. How about you?
Your Favorite Candy
Did I fail to talk about the horrible things I would do to your favorite Easter candy? Tell me in the comments.
Hey kids, avoid strangers all year along.
Except on October 31.
Then put on a dumb costume and knock on strangers’ doors and demand free foodstuffs.
Who the hell invented this dumb holiday?
Oh wait. I forgot.
We here at BQB HQ love Halloween.
So without further ado, the Top Ten Halloween Candies
#10 – Candy Corn (Best)
An old staple. Sweet. Delicious.
Do you like the chocolate candy corn? You know the ones where the bottom stripe is chocolate?
Eh, I do like chocolate but I prefer my candy corn to have the white stripes at the bottom.
I don’t know why. I’ve done a lot of thought on this though and that white stripe tastes better than the chocolate strip.
The white strip basically tastes like the candy corn flavor and I can only get that candy corn flavor at Halloween time, whereas I can get chocolate all year long.
#9 – Reese’s Peanut Butter Cups (Best)
So much of my ass fat is compromised of peanut butter cups.
Mmmm.
You got chocolate in my peanut butter. No, you got peanut butter in my chocolate!
Yum. Delicious.
#8 – Coupons (Worst)
Fast food joints, stores, restaurants – they often sell coupons to pass out as Halloween treats.
Hey, here’s a coupon for a free ice cream cone.
What the eff, lady? Don’t give me an IOU for a treat. I want my snack now.
These go right in the garbage and the corporations make big money essentially selling people nothing.
#7 – Large Candy Bars (Best)
There’s always one fine citizen who will go out and buy a bunch of regular size candy bars to pass out.
That’s right. Screw those “fun size” bars.
What’s fun about tiny candies?
The only thing that happens with a fun size candy bar is you trick your mind into eating twenty of them because they’re so small and that you end up with an ass the size of a barcalounger.
Bless you, citizen who went the extra mile and got big candy bars.
By the way – if a tiny candy bar is fun size, is a big candy bar boring size?
There’s a noodle scratcher.
#6 – Pennies (Worst)
Ugh.
Come on, old people.
I know you’re trying to get rid of your loose change.
I know those pennies are actually worth something.
But pennies aren’t edible. They aren’t delicious. They will not make my ass fatter.
#5 – Unwrapped Baked Goods (Worst)
Well, thanks lady I gotta trash that because for all I know it could have a razor blade or a laxative or poison or something.
#4 – Popcorn Balls (Best or Possibly Worst)
Love ’em, but only if they’re wrapped.
#3 – Gum (Best)
Good for a minute or two, then it just becomes a sticky mess under your chair…sigh…just like my life.
#2 – Smarties (Best)
Mmm. Sugary crack.
You ever try to unwrap them and keep them together in a line without the wrapper?
Good times.
#1 – Kit Kat
Give me a break, give me a break…aww, you know the rest.
Did I leave your favorite Halloween candy off the list, 3.5 readers?
Discuss in the comments!
Hey…hey…hey….hey! Ooo uh ooo whoa…don’t you…forget to check out BQB’s list of the funniest flicks to come out during the 1980s.
From BQB HQ in fabulous East Randomtown, in no particular order:
#10 – Revenge of the Nerds (1984) – As one of the greatest Internet nerds today, I should know the history of the word “nerd.” I’m sure it is lengthy but any rate, this movie did more to introduce the concept of nerds into pop culture than anything else. Disrespected for their glasses and computer prowess (which wasn’t much to write home about by today’s standards) Lewis and Gilbert (Robert Carradine and Anthony Edwards) gather their campus’ supply of nerds together to rebel against the jocks, who in typical 1980s bully fashion, love to wear their sweaters as capes by tying the sleeves around their necks then allowing the sweaters themselves to drape down over their backs.
Also, this movie had boobs. I can’t even remember the last time I saw a boob in a movie. Travesty of justice, I say.
#9 – Ferris Bueller’s Day Off (1986) – A high school ne’er-do-well (Matthew Broderick as Ferris) concocts an elaborate scheme to convince his parents that he is sick so he can skip school and take his hot girlfriend Sloane (Mia Sara) and uptight, perpetually worried best friend Cameron (Alan Ruck) on a fun trip to Chicago.
Along the way, Ferris manages to stay one step ahead of bumbling principal Ed Rooney (Jeffrey Jones) and the audience laughs their asses off as a dedicated public servant is put through one harrowing ordeal after another as he attempts to catch a student in the act of truancy, or in other words, his damn job.
Memorable line – “Life moves pretty fast. If you don’t stop and look around once in awhile, you could miss it.” Damn, if that isn’t the truth. In fact, I remember being a little boy in the video store watching this movie play on the display TV as if it were yesterday. Umm, kids, a video store was…oh forget it.
#8 – Coming to America (1988) – Under pressure from his father (James Earl Jones as Jaffe Joffer, King of Fictional African Country Zamunda), Prince Akeem (Eddie Murphy) flees with his trusty manservant Semmi (Arsenio Hall) for Queens, New York in search of, well, his bride, who will one day be the Queen. This movie is a fun meditation on figuring out what you are looking for in a mate and how money and power can ruin things. After all, there are plenty of women who would like to marry a prince, but Akeem poses as being dirt poor just to find a woman who will love him for who he is inside. Plus, holy shit. This movie was outright hilarious and still is. Eddie is the master of playing multiple characters in a movie.
#7 – Weird Science (1985) – Dejected and lonely, big time nerds Gary (Anthony Michael Hall) and Wyatt (Ilan Mitchell-Smith) use their computers skills to create Lisa (Kelly Le Brock) aka the woman of their dreams. Lisa teaches the lads how to develop the manly confidence they need to stand up to bullies Ian (Robert Downey Jr. long before he became Iron Man) and Max (Robert Rusler) not to mention Wyatt’s mean, pain in the ass older brother Chet (Bill Paxton.) Besides inspiring to spend many years of my life trying to create a hot babe with my computer to no avail, I remember this film for cementing the phrase “squeeze the cheese” as a euphemism for pooping into pop culture. Good show.
#6 – National Lampoon’s Vacation (1983) – Family vacations gone awry. Who’s never experienced that before? Try as you might, something inevitably goes wrong. Clark Griswold (Chevy Chase) is the dopey dad/dedicated family man obsessed with planning the perfect family getaway to Walley World. Alas, one problem after the next gets in his way. Even so, nothing will stop Clark from showing the Griswold clan (Beverly D’Angelo as wife Ellen, Anthony Michael Hall (damn that kid got a lot of work in the 1980s) as Rusty and Dana Barron as Audrey) a good time.
This film inspired a franchise that gave us hits European Vacation and the ever quotable holiday classic Christmas Vacation (I watch this every year). Admittedly, they probably could have stopped at Vegas Vacation. Then again, Clark didn’t stop when Walley World was closed, did he?
#5 – Fast Times at Ridgemont High (1982) – Before Sean Penn became a self-declared, self-righteous world traveling wannabe diplomat, he was Jeff Spicoli, the California dude who defied crotchety teacher Mr. Hand (Ray Walston) by having a pizza delivered directly to class. Relive your minimum wage slave days as Brad (Judge Reinhold) is forced to don a tacky pirate costume to work at a seafood restaurant. And come on, you’ll always remember the first time you spotted Linda (Phoebe Cates) emerging from that pool. Phoebe was highly underutilized by Hollywood, if you ask me. Gremlins. Drop Dead Fred. Then alas, she kind of just disappeared. Meanwhile Judge Reinhold continues to get steady work. Oh, the irony!
#4 – Caddyshack (1980) – Rodney Dangerfeld’s classic line was true. He got no respect. No respect at all. In fact, he worked steadily as an entertainer his entire life only to find fame in his sixties. Oh well. Better late than never. In this film, Rodney plays nouveau riche boor Al Czervik whose uncouth ways turn a high falutin’ country club up on its ear. Club member Judge Smails (Ted Knight, who cornered the market on playing rich snobby douches in 1970s and 80s movies) wouldn’t stand for it. Al and the Judge square off to hilarious results, as groundskeeper Carl Spackler attempts to explode an unruly gopher.
#3 – Back to School – The 1980s really were Rodney’s decade as he had another hit, Back to School. Again, he plays a self-made man who clashes with folks who were born into wealth. This time around, Rodney is millionaire Thornton Mellon, who decides to cramp the style of his son, Jason (Keith Gordon) by attending college with him. Thornton enjoys the social part of college, throwing wild, out of control parties. Yet, he uses his wealth to contract out his homework to hilarious results (he hires author Kurt Vonnegut to write about paper about himself.) Eventually, Thornton realizes the error of his ways and decides that the point of college is to cram the knowledge into his own brain. Funny cameo by Sam Kinison who relays tales of his Vietnam veteran experience to the class in a loud, hilarious way. “Oh, oh, OH!!!”
#2 – Ghostbusters (1984) – “Who you gonna call?” The likes of this film had never been seen before at the time. Action. Comedy. Horror. Special effects. All rolled up into a tight package. Bill Murray, Dan Akroyd, Harold Ramis and Ernie Hudson as New York City’s premiere squad of professional paranormal investigators and eliminators. They weren’t afraid of no ghost and really, the movie’s greatest villain was the government as EPA agent Walter Peck (William Atherton) shuts down the team’s ghost containment unit. (“Is this true? Yes this is true. This man has no dick.”) In Walter’s defense though, the Ghostbusters did rely heavily on the use of nuclear technology in their projects and there never was an explanation of how they got their hands on them.
# 1 – Airplane (1980) – “Surely, you can’t be serious? I am and don’t call me Shirley.” Oh Airplane. Oh Zucker brothers. Jokes for the sake of jokes, plot and and likelihood be damned. People are so uptight now. They don’t just laugh anymore. There always has to be some explanation for everything. No one can just look at an inflatable autopilot smiling as if it were getting a blowjob with the humor it deserves. Everyone would want to know how the autopilot was able to smile. Former air force pilot Ted Striker (Robert Hays) must overcome his past to land a commercial jetliner when the crew falls ill with food poisoning. Along the way, he rekindles the romance he once had with stewardess Elaine (the epically sweet voiced Julie Hagerty.)
I’ll watch this movie whenever it is on but I don’t know if we’ll ever see another one just like it. Zaniness is no longer appreciated. Jonathan Banks (known today as Mike in Breaking Bad) being asked to “check the radar range” only to open a microwave door to reveal an undercooked turkey and give a reply of “About two more minutes chief” just won’t fly anymore. People have become too literal. Everyone would want to know why he checked on a turkey. Sigh. People aren’t funny anymore.
The film also breathed new life into the career of Leslie Nielsen, who had once been a serious thespian, only to spend his old age playing buffoons such as Frank Dreben in Police Squad. (FYI The Naked Gun) could have easily joined this list along with many other comedies.
What 1980s comedy movie did I miss, 3.5 readers? Discuss in the comments.
Bookshelf Battle 