So, word has it that the next Star Wars movie will be titled, “The Last Jedi.”
As many Internet dweebs have pointed out, in Empire Strikes Back, Yoda tells Luke, “When I am gone, the last Jedi you will be.”
In other words, the title is most likely a reference to Luke. As we saw at the end of the last film, Luke will be a big role in this new movie.
Does “last Jedi” mean that Luke will kick the bucket? One would think so because if he croaks before any new Jedis are made, then he’d be the last Jedi.
To me, this title begs a question – if there are no more Jedis, how can there be any more movies?
These movies rely on Jedis and if there are no more Jedis then you can’t make any more Star Wars movies.
Is the plural of Jedi also “Jedi?” In that case, the title could refer to Luke and Rey and or any amount of unspecified Jedi. However, if they are the last Jedi then I don’t know how you could have another movie.
It seems to me that the new movies are following the plots of 4-6 (or, the originals, if you are an old bastard like me). Rey learns she has powers in 7 as Luke does in 4. Rey will get trained by a wise old master (Luke) in 8 as Luke was trained by Yoda in 5 and I assume Rey will be in full badass Jedi glory in 9 as Luke was in 6.
But how can Rey become a Jedi if someone, most likely Luke, becomes the last Jedi in 8?
Welcome to my new column, “Could They Make It Today?” in which I go back in time, take a look at the pop culture of my Gen X youth (we did exist though we seem to have been forgotten early) and discuss how movies and/or TV shows from the past couldn’t be made in the present (at least not without an extensive tuneup).
First up, Transformers: The Movie (1986).
Now, if you’re a member of Generation X, and again, millennials, I swear we existed…we are the Baby Boomers’ kids and you just know more about the Baby Boomers because they are hanging on for a really long time thanks to advances in science and medicine and shit.
Let me try again. If you are are a member of Generation X, then you probably remember where you were when Optimus Prime died.
The year was 1986. Transformers were a popular line of children’s toys that combined a childish love of vehicles and robots by having robots turn into vehicles. Two toys in one.
There was a corresponding TV show in which Optimus Prime, a tractor trailer with a John Wayne style voice, commanded the Autobots in their war against the villainous Deceptions, lead by the evil Megatron.
So, after several years of a show where robots fired lasers at each other and missed, thus giving children a sense of excitement without burdening their young minds with thoughts of death, some dumb ass or collection of dumb asses got it in their heads to completely rewrite the direction of the series with a major motion film.
I went to it. I was a little kid. Had my popcorn. Had my Transformer. Had my seat. I was ready to have a good time and then boom…literally every character I loved dies.
Seriously. What the shit? Who thought this was a good idea?
Optimus Prime and Megatron clash on the field of battle. Megatron gets the upper hand and takes down Optimus.
OK. That was sad. I don’t think it was a great move for studio execs to kill off a beloved children’s character, especially the main one who carries the series.
But then it gets worse. There’s a scene where the main contingent of Autobots (i.e. Ratchet and Ironhide, etc.), characters who had been with the series since the start, are flying a shuttle back to…I don’t know, Autobot Town, I’m an adult now so I don’t give as many shits as I used to.
Long story short, Megatron and his lackies break down the door and totally Wild Bunch the shit out of the Autobots. I’m serious. After years of lasers that never hit anyone, Megatron’s lasers hit everyone with great precision.
And it’s not just like, “Boom! You’re dead!” We see the lights in the Autobots’ eyes flicker and go out. Smoke comes out of their mouths. Holes rip up their chassis. It’s total carnage and mayhem.
Death has been a part of kids movies since the beginning of animation. When Bambi’s mother dies, it introduces kids to concept they yeah, one day your grandparents are going to croak, then your parents, then pretty much everyone else you know until you end up all alone and the grim reaper puts his icy hand on your shoulder.
Personally, I didn’t even think it was cool for Disney to kill of Bambi’s mother but ok. There’s a difference between Bambi’s mother dying and the stone cold political/ideological assassination that takes place in the Transformers movie.
By the end of the film, new Autobots take over. “Rodimus Prime” takes Optimus’ place and as a kid, it’s basically the equivalent of your how you feel when your mom kicks dad out of the house and starts dating some new guy and wants you to call him “Dad.”
RODIMUS PRIME: Autobots, roll out!
1980s’ Kids: F%*k you! Only Optimus can say that! You’re not my real Autobot leader!
Like many cartoon shows, Transformers was a vehicle to sell toys. Kids bond with the characters on TV, look at them as if they are friends, and then want their parents to buy them a friend they can play with in the form of toys.
But some young 1980s Baby Boomer screwed the pooch because kids were highly displeased, so much so that Optimus Prime is brought back to life by the end of the series.
The whole movie was intended to reset the series and bring it to a futuristic 2005 (which, sadly, is now in the past) with the robots turning into sleeker, more futuristic robots.
Clearly, the assumption in the board room was that they’ll kill off all the main characters (even Megatron and company get converted into new characters) and then the kids will throw away all their old toys and buy these new toys.
Just as clearly, these people did not know kids. Have you ever tried to pry a beloved toy out of a kid’s hand? Good luck. Kids kept playing with their old transformers. In the battles that played out on living room furniture, Optimus and friends were still alive. T
The new replacements were seen as wannabe step-dads trying to buy our love with ice cream and thus, the series didn’t last much longer after that. The movie pretty much blew up the whole enterprise.
The idea went over like a lead balloon and was so widely rejected by kids that a GI Joe movie that came out around the same time was quickly rewritten to prevent Duke from dying. Those suits were totally gunning for Duke and he was only saved because Optimus’ death went over so poorly.
Could they make it today? Well, they do make it today. Now the Transformers films have become these grand scale Michael Bay action/disaster movies with plenty of action and very little plot. And yes, occasionally a Transformer will buy the farm in these movies but the millennials didn’t grow up with them and Generation X is still too old to care.
Although personally, I was sad when Jazz gets ripped apart in one of the new films.
I think the film taught the toy/cartoon industry complex a valuable lesson. You don’t have to kill off characters just to introduce new toys/characters. There was no reason why the Autobots couldn’t have lived and still made friends with new characters/toys that could be sold at parental wallet draining prices.
This is what frustrates me with the millennials. They think the baby boomers are mean and greedy and hey, I feel your pain. I’ve been feeling it ever since some Gordon Gecko-esque fancy suit wearing 1980s baby boomer prick decided that subjecting my young self to a scene where all my favorite toy characters suffer from political assassination was a good idea.
In conclusion, Generation X exists, and while Transformers movies continue to go on strong, the powers that be have learned to not kill off beloved children’s characters all willy-nilly.
BQB is passed the hell out on the floor for the moment, so I’ll fill you in.
As you are all aware, our favorite resident yeti fighter does not like to part with money.
But he finally did it. He put up some dough to get a 99Designs contest going.
That’s right. He’s going to publish a book of writing prompts.
In fact, before his face hit the floor, he told me that the title will be, “Bookshelf Q. Battler’s Big Book of Badass Writing Prompts: 101 Scintillating Scenarios to Stimulate Your Cranial Excretions.”
Sigh. Don’t tell him I said this but the only thing it will stimulate is a one-way ticket to Amazon’s virtual 99 cent bin.
Did I say that? No. I’m the ever supportive VGRF and what I meant to say was that this will probably be the boot in the ass he needs to get him going.
Once he sets up an author profile and has something to offer as an author, we can only hope that he will continue to work to get an actual novel out there so the Mighty Potentate won’t vaporize us all into the stone age.
No pressure, BQB.
At any rate, 3.5 readers, I figure the guy must love you all, because he actually opened up his wallet.
HE NEVER OPENS HIS WALLET.
No joke, whenever we go out on a date he’ll take me to Mighty Burger and offer to degrease the grease traps just to avoid paying for my choice off the dollar menu.
So in other words, he really loves you guys since he was so willing to part with money, an act which has made him pass out.
I can only hope he will wake up soon so the yeti will stop resting his hairy feet on him as if he were some kind of nerd shaped Ottoman.
I suppose I could stop that furry freak but unlike BQB, I am not a champion yeti fighter.
Results are expected in a week and if BQB doesn’t like any of the designs he can say no thanks.
STAND BY FOR A TRANSMISSION FROM THE MIGHTY POTENTATE, SUPREME INTERSTELLAR OVERLORD AND ALSO NOT A SHABBY DANCER
3…2…1…ALL HAIL THE MIGHTY POTENTATE!
Greetings pitiful humans.
The Mighty Potentate here, once again confirming the existence of alien life, though I’m not worried any of you will catch on as only 3.5 of you read this blog.
Frankly, that’s what I’m hear to talk about.
Still not a big fan of all the reality television that your incompetent ass rock of a planet has been beaming out into the cosmos, 3.5 readers.
Why, just the other day I turned on my space television in the hopes of finding a decent scripted show only to find the following reality based drivel instead:
Who Wants to Win a Colonoscopy? – The gist is exactly as it sounds. Competitors fight for the right to have the inner workings of their hiney canals broadcast on television. Is there no level you dim bulbs will stoop to for fame?
Cat Hoarders – Like the regular Hoarders show but the guests hoard cats. Cats under the beds, cats in the closets, cats in the walls, cats everywhere. So many cats.
Intervention Intervention – Literally, a show about interventions for people who are addicted to holding interventions. How has your species survived this long?
3.5 readers, I grow concerned that I might actually have to invade your dumb planet just to stop the spread of your insipid reality television.
First, another year is about to end and Bookshelf Q. Battler has yet to publish a novel. I still maintain that he is the chosen one and that he will one day write a novel so well written that you will all abandon reality television and favor scripted media instead.
Second, has anyone heard from Alien Jones? I heard a rumor that your greatest earth country has elected a reality TV star as its potentate but I haven’t been able to confirm it and Jones has not been returning my calls since last Tuesday.
It’s like that little green weirdo is trying to avoid me for some reason. Strange.
Anyway, 3.5 readers, continue to slap BQB around and urge him to keep writing his novels so that reality television can be abandoned and your pitiful planet can be saved.
This show has been on seven years and the key to its success is that it keeps reinventing itself. You have a large cast with people going off into different directions so there’s always an opportunity to do something new.
And they really did something new tonight.
We get introduced to King Ezekial, a dude with dreads who owns a tiger named Shiva and he speaks in an Old English accent. His community is called “The Kingdom” and all the people who live there wear hockey pad-esque knight gear and act like their knights and shit.
The people of the Kingdom and the King all play it straight. Carol and Morgan are weirded out, Carol more so than Morgan.
The viewer ends up assuming that the King and his friends are most like Ren Faire/Dungeons and Dragons nerds who dabbled in fantasy and are now taking advantage of the zombie apocalypse to make their fantasies reality.
You do get to learn the King’s secret though I don’t want to give it away.
Zombies are being fed to pigs. Not sure what that’s about but as much as I love bacon, I’ll pass if it comes from those pigs.
The ongoing worry whenever the regular cast members happen upon a new community is that the community always looks nice and the people are nice but then there’s inevitably some terrible secret that causes all shit to break loose.
Here’s hoping that the King is just a dude who played a little too much World of Warcraft and that’s all.
I’ve gotten a lot of new blog followers over the summer and it dawns on me that sometimes the point of this blog isn’t clear.
So here goes:
I’m Bookshelf Q. Battler and this blog is Bookshelf Battle, a chronicle of my experiences as a world renowned poindexter, epic nerdventurer, reviewer of pop cultural happenings, champion yeti fighter, and most importantly, caretaker of a magic bookshelf.
Wow that’s a lot. But wait. There’s more.
I’m not sure why, but my magic bookshelf tends to drag a lot of craziness into my life.
Is it the bookshelf’s fault? Is it just a coincidence? I don’t know.
At any rate, about a year into blogging I was notified by an alien dictator known as the Mighty Potentate that I am his chosen one. The MP, you see, despises reality television and therefore believes I am the writer who will one day publish a novel so finely crafted that it convinces the masses to abandon all TV shows where cameras follow dullards around for no reason.
If I don’t put that novel out before I croak, the Mighty Potentate will conquer the earth.
Gotta be honest…that’s a lot of pressure. I try not to think about it.
In the meantime, the Mighty Potentate has dispatched his second-in-command, Alien Jones, to watch over me, keep me safe, give me guidance and so forth. He usually writes an “Ask the Alien” column where readers can ask him questions but he has been rather busy with his intergalactic duties this year.
I live in East Randomtown, USA, a terrible place full of dumb dummies. I’m actually considered one of the town’s top citizens because I started a blog that attracts the attention of 3.5 readers. One of my readers is Aunt Gertie.
FYI – this blog never gets more than 3.5 readers. I don’t understand it.
Regular columnists include:
“You Can’t Argue with Science” with Dr. Hugo Von Science
“Stop Sucking” with Motivational Speaker/Anti-Suck Expert Vinny Baggadouchio
Search Engine Optimized Poet
The Astounding Nerdstradamus
“Things That Really Frost My Ass” with Uncle Hardass
“Things I Worry About” with Lloyd Bunson, Professional Worrier
My archnemesis is the Yeti, an international war criminal/fuzzy monster hellbent on bringing down this blog because it is too interesting and yetis want the world to be boring.
I’m also at odds with Leo McKoy, town barfly who achieved great fame in East Randomtown when he delivered a sandwich to 1990s teen heartthrob James Van Der Beek.
McKoy is actually running against me for the position of East Randtomtown Mayor, a position I hold as our last mayor was devoured by zombies during a zombie apocalypse.
This year, I have been focusing on writing books, though my columnists stop in from time to time.
I review movies often. Ironically, I rarely review a book anymore which sucks because, you know, you’d think I would given the blog’s title. That was actually the initial point of the blog to begin with.
Meanwhile, my pop culture detective Jake Dashing continues to file reports on the most vexing questions circulating about the entertainment industry. His love interest is my attorney, Delilah K. Donnelly, who thankfully lowers herself to advise me on legal and business issues surrounding my bloggery.
Last but not least, I live in BQB HQ with the two most valuable members of the BQB organization: my main squeeze, Video Game Rack Fighter, and my trusty philosopher pooch, Bookshelf Q. Battledog.
There you have it. If you are a new member of the 3.5 readers club, you are all caught up.
What’s going on? I’ve been posting once a day since January 1, 2015. I didn’t make a big deal about it but I kept it going this year too. Last year, I wrote a lot of elaborate posts. This year I’m focused on the novels (to the blog’s dismay I guess) but I’m going to try my best to post once a day forever even if it is just something quick like this.
Bookshelf Battle 