The Mighty Potentate here, commanding you to address your inquiries to my emissary, Alien Jones!
“What’s in it for me?”
Ah yes! The first thing any human asks! Right after, “Can I take a selfie?”
Ask the Alien a question, and if he likes it, he’ll plug your books and blogs in his answer on this most irreverent of sites, bookshelfbattle.com
BQB will tweet it with his @bookshelfbattle handle and on his Google Plus page.
18 authors assisted so far.
Will you be next?
Do not allow the vile forces of reality television to win! Help Bookshelf Q. Battler push his and your fiction to keep all of our collective televisions free of absurdly produced, low quality unscripted programming such as:
1. Tuba Wars – Have you got what it takes to be the best tuba player in the world?
2. Falafel Truck Nightmares – A leading falafel vendor helps others bring their falafel businesses up to speed.
3. Narwhal Makeover – The ugliest half-whale/half-unicorns (they really exist!) consult with beauty experts.
4. Who Wants to Be a Chicken Wrangler? – Self explanatory.
5. Cooking with Preppers – Have you ever wondered if it’s possible to make a stew out of a boot? Find out.
Don’t be shy, lowly humans. Ask the Alien a question today and Bookshelf Q. Battler’s 3.5 readers can be yours!
Not when you’re as big a fan of that holiday as I am.
And not when you’ve got a big idea in mind.
Today, my main squeeze Video Game Rack Fighter and I took a walk, did some shopping, and we stopped by a fortune teller who’d set up shop and was predicting futures at five bucks a pop.
VGRF talked me into it and, much to my shock, this mysterious gypsy lady with a kiosk next to the Orange Julius stand at the East Random Town Mall prognosticated the following:
That on October 1 of this year:
VGRF, Alien Jones, myself, and possibly The Yeti will take in a scientific demonstration by my mentor, the esteemed Dr. Hugo Von Science.
That Dr. Hugo, through his gross incompetence, will botch his experiment, thus causing a zombie outbreak to sweep over my hometown.
VGRF, Alien Jones, and myself will be left with no choice but to fight our way through the undead hordes until we reach the safety of the Bookshelf Battle Compound.
Perhaps we’ll even come up a cure for the zombie epidemic in the process.
But to get through this, we will need the assistance of 31, count em, 31 Zombie Authors.
ALIEN JONES: Zombie authors?! That’s ridiculous! They can’t even hold a pen.
BQB: No, I mean authors who have written self-published books about zombies. Though, hey, if there’s an actual function zombie who is an author, I’ll gladly talk to him as long as he promises not to bite me.
Every day, as a new part of the story unfolds, a self published zombie author will take a question from a member of our merry band of unlikely heroes.
Questions will mostly come from me, but Alien Jones and/or possibly the Yeti might have some inquiries. Maybe even Dr. Hugo will participate.
I’ve also heard rumors of this thing called “Women’s Lib” so hell, Video Game Rack Fighter will have some questions too.
Examples:
DAY 1 – We need some supplies. Author Fred Fredman of Super Scary Zombie Book, can you tell us the essentials of what a zombie apocalypse survivor needs to fend off the undead masses?
DAY 2 – The Yeti was just bitten by a zombie. Author Kate Katerson of Incredibly Frightening Zombie Book, do you know if zombie bites affect animals?
DAY 3 – We’re holed up in an abandoned shack and the TV’s working. Author Annie Annerson of You’ll Crap Your Pants if You Read this Zombie Book! Which zombie movie do you recommend we watch to pass the time and why?
I don’t know. Just some initial questions off the top of my head.
Heck, you non-horror authors could get in on this too. Submit questions you’d like to know about how to survive the zombie apocalypse and maybe one of the members of our survivor party will pass it along to an interested zombie author.
ANTICIPATED QUESTIONS ABOUT THIS IDEA:
1) Just self-published horror authors?
Not necessarily. If you’re a traditionally published zombie author, I’d love for you to participate as well. If you have a zombie blog or are some other kind of zombie writer, let’s talk.
Hell, if you’re George Romero, you can just take the blog over.
2) You do a lot of interactivity on this blog. Why a story? Why not just a straight-up interview?
In today’s rapid information age, anything fun is going to be checked out more than a traditional approach.
Take all the late night talk shows these days.
Long ago, all the stars would just sit on the couch and shoot the bull with Johnny and Ed. It was boring as hell.
We love stars but their stories about their acting method or the lunch they ate that gave them a tummy ache or whatever? Who cares.
Jimmy Fallon does hilarious bits with his guests instead. Be honest. Do you want to listen to Scar Jo babble about how hard it was to pretend to be whoever she just pretended to be, or do you want to see her play a rousing game of “Box of Lies” with Jimmy?
NBC – Box of Lies – The Tonight Show Starring Jimmy Fallon
I loved that. There you go. Scar Jo’s latest movie promoted. I’m left thinking she’s a ball of fun and I wasn’t bored with a story about her acting process.
“Let’s Promote Ourselves with Fun” is what I’ve been going for with Alien Jones’ “Ask the Alien” Column, and that’s what I’m going for with this idea as well.
3) So what are you looking for?
Your choice of length to an answer posed by myself or one of my buddies. I’d say 500 words or so sounds decent, but more if you’re willing.
We could come to an agreement on what question would be best for you. If you have one in mind you want to be asked, that’s possible.
4) Are you going to make me look stupid?
Your books, blogs, reputation as a writer, they’re all important to you, as they should be. I fully understand. Hell, I’ve put so much work into my persona as”Bookshelf Q. Battler,” I’d be unhappy if someone besmirched BQB.
I’d envision the post with:
A) A quick synopsis of what happened today (day of post) with BQB’s friends vs. the zombies.
B) A quick overview of you, the author, including links to your books and or blogs and or Amazon page (or wherever you’re selling them)
C) An answer YOU WRITE that I’m not going to change. They’ll be your words, so you can’t go wrong.
5) I’m still skeptical.
I don’t blame you. I’m a guy claiming to own a magic bookshelf and also that I’m an alien’s friend. It’s understandable that you’d want to kick the tires on this one.
To that end:
A) Alien Jones has had 17 satisfied customers in his Ask the Alien column so far. I’ve never received a complaint from an author who participated yet. Usually they’re pleased enough that they retweet or share AJ’s witty commentary on their own blogs.
B) Alien Jones has a “Don’t Like it and It Gets Taken Down No Problem Guarantee.” If it turns out you don’t like the post, let me know, and it’ll come down. If we can fix it to your liking, that’s great. If not, no hard feelings. I get that writing is a business and you have to do what you have to do. No muss, no fuss, no problem.
But luckily, no author has asked for that yet. And I believe that’s a sign that when you take part in this, you’re in good hands with me and my alien.
6) Keep talking.
At present, I have 1,250 (approx) WordPress followers, 5,400 Twitter followers, and over 500 Google Plus followers. All will be notified of your awesomeness.
7) I’m not one of your 3.5 readers, so I’m not up to speed on your blog and therefore unsure if I could respond to one of your friends’ questions.
No problem. Here’s the lowdown:
Bookshelf Q. Battler = the owner of a magic bookshelf where small versions of literary characters come to life and fight over limited shelf space.
Video Game Rack Fighter = Bookshelf Q. Battler’s girlfriend and author of a video game review column hopefully coming soon, if she ever comes up for air from playing Arkham Knight.
Alien Jones – The Mighty Potentate, ruler of an undisclosed planet, is displeased with the growing popularity of reality television. He’s a fan of scripted media and feels promotion of fiction authors is the only hope to stem the reality tv tide. To that end, the MP has dispatched his emissary, Alien Jones, to answer questions from self-published authors and in the process, make Earth a smarter place one question at a time. Alien Jones truly believes in this mission, and isn’t doing it just because the Mighty Potentate has threatened to vaporize him if he abandons his assignment before BQB’s writing career is off the ground.
The Yeti – An international war criminal and fuzzy snow monster, The Yeti is currently imprisoned deep in the bowels of the Bookshelf Battle Compound. However, BQB isn’t completely heartless and allows the big lug out once a week to watch Scandal. Alien Jones brings the bean dip.
Dr. Hugo Von Science – A distinguished professor of science at Science University, Dr. Hugo is this blog’s science correspondent and holds patents on over a bazillion inventions. We’re fairly certain he might be plotting a global conquest in his spare time, but his generally goodnatured demeanor covers up his underlying intentions well.
There you go. That’s the blog in a nutshell. It’s a labor of love for me, and it’s enjoyed daily by 3.5 people, one of whom is my Aunt Gertrude.
(There are some subsidiary, occasional characters. Uncle Hardass, the ghost of my grumpy uncle, shows up once in awhile to tell me to give up all of my hopes and dreams of becoming a writer and get a job at the salt mines. The Funky Hunks are a rap group I used to belong to and they show up now and then too. Oh, and a whole slew of tiny book characters live on my magic bookshelf).
Don’t get me started on Bookshelf Q. Battledog.
I don’t believe the subsidiaries will get involved but you never know. 31 days means I need to come up with a lot of ideas to keep a story going.
8) You had me until you said you have 3.5 readers. Doesn’t seem worth it.
“3.5 Readers” is an ongoing, inside joke for this blog. In the beginning, I really did only have 3.5 readers. But I pressed forward and now I have more. Like any blog, I have up days and down days. I’d say on a good day I get anywhere around 30-70 hits.
Views are often double, sometimes triple, the hit count and I believe this is because people who do find this blog like it enough to stick around and read some more.
At any rate, I’ll do what I can to make this a fun, month long Zombie fiesta. On my own, I’m going to be writing about The Walking Dead and the new Fear the Walking Dead and overall, if this works out, it’s just going to be 31 days of zombies.
9) What’s in it for you?
Cross promotion, basically. If you enjoy what you see here, I hope you’ll do want you can to point folks to my ramblings. Not required, of course. That’s about it.
10) So now what?
At this point, I’d just like to get the ball rolling. I’m starting early because to recruit 31 people to respond to a daily ongoing story is going to be like herding cats.
Right now, I’d just like to see who’s interested enough to let me know. If you want in, Tweet me @bookshelfbattle or tell me in the comments here.
You can send me a private message on Twitter too. Just tweet me to let me know you sent it so it doesn’t get lost in the mass of spam I get from folks trying to sell me timeshares, miracle ointments, and **Cough cough*** self published books.
I’d say by mid-August, if I can wrangle enough authors to be interested in this, then I’ll be able to see who’s who, what’s what and come up with better questions that would apply to various authors.
If it’s a go, I’d like to get questions to you late August, or September and have 31 posts in the can by the time October rolls around.
But then again, this could be a dumb idea.
If it fizzles out and goes nowhere, then hey, I tried. You’ve got to try, right?
Feel free to share with anyone you think would be interested. If I see enough interest, I’ll start getting in touch with folks with formal instructions at the end of the summer.
Leave me your thoughts, 3.5.
Until next time, this has been Bookshelf Q. Battler and Video Game Rack Fighter, signing off:
Before he became BQB’s Pop Culture Detective, Jake Hatcher was a down and out boxer forced by the evil Mugsy McGillicuddy to take a dive, thus tanking his chance at the big time, not to mention his budding romance with singer Peaches LeMay.
When Jake tries to escape his past by enlisting, he gets a second chance at the greatness he missed out on when he’s recruited by General George S. Patton, President Roosevelt, and Pre-CIA Agent Carmichael to take on the most daring mission in the history of warfare:
Infiltrate Das Fuhrerbunker and punch Adolf Hitler in the face before an equally skilled puncher sent by the Russians can.
Why? Assassination attempts by his own men have left Hitler paranoid in the final days of World War II. He’s banned all staff from carrying weapons, leaving him the only armed individual in the bunker.
No guns. No knives. Nothing.
Thus, Uncle Sam needs a man whose weapon is his fist.
Is this a viable novel idea? Would you want to read a book about Hitler getting punched in the face?
The first three proposed chapters and outline of the rest:
Hate to do it, you all know how cheap I am, but I’m thinking about opening up the ole wallet and letting the moths fly out to get some banner photos.
What I’m thinking about:
Banner images that could be used as the header photo on this site, plus on Twitter and Facebook.
Probably through 99 designs.
Possible ideas:
1) As you know, Alien Jones and I allow the Yeti out of his cage once a week to watch Scandal. It’s our special Scandal night. The three of us eat chips and dip and talk about Olivia’s latest adventures.
The image would be a nerd to represent myself sitting on a couch between the Yeti and Alien Jones with a TV in front of us.
Should my main squeeze Video Game Rack Fighter also be on the couch? Could be cool, could be crowded. Cuz then, do I have to add Dr. Hugo Von Science, Uncle Hardass and other subsidiary characters?
2) Not exactly Star Wars but a Star Wars – esque poster where a nerd, that would be me, is in some kind of action pose, holding a ray gun or something, Video Game Rack Fighter clutching me….Dr. Hugo and Alien Jones have my back, the Yeti looms large ready to eat me or something.
3) Maybe just my bookshelf with battles going on it. A bunch of books and little characters running around on the shelves attacking each other.
Which one of these ideas do you like and do you have any others, 3.5 Readers?
The magnanimous mind of Alien Jones here, once again bringing you the knowledge required to raise your planet above its current status as the laughing stock of the Milky Way.
You might have noticed there’s a “Zsa Zsa Gabor” in there. No, I don’t share a name with an aristocratic Hungarian actress of the 1960’s. In my language, “ZsaZsa” means “Peace” and “Gabor” means prosperity. Thus, there’s the old tradition on my planet of saying, “Good day to you, and may much Zsa Zsa Gabor come your way!”
To properly pronounce my name, you’d have to:
Pull out your tongue
Allow another person to jump over it like it was a jumprope
Tie it in a knot
Untie it again and…
Lick a frog
You don’t actually have to lick a frog. I just wanted to see if someone out there would.
Thus, since my name is so difficult to pronounce, I just go with an Earthly last name, hence “Alien Jones.”
Are you a fan of Orange is the New Black? Admittedly, my boss, the Mighty Potentate, is a fan as well. With its mix of humor and drama, not to mention rich character development, His Supreme Fabulousness deems this program to be one more blow against the impending tide of unscripted reality television. Quality fiction is the only thing that can stop the menace that is reality TV from spreading across the universe.
On Marion’s blog, marionstein.net, one can find a number of articles that can help humans improve their intelligence. Thank goodness I’m not the only one devoted to this Herculean effort.
Further, Bookshelf Q. Battler’s 3.5 readers can check out Marion’s Amazon Author Page. “Blood Diva” seems like an especially saucy tale, one about a French courtesan turned vampire.
Interestingly, Marion’s author page notes she has a background as a social worker. I view myself as a social worker of sorts. What do I do if not help humans become better people by sharing with them the knowledge of my genius brain?
And believe you me, I do this work because it’s a labor of love on my part, and not, as rumored, because the Mighty Potentate has threatened to shoot me out of a cannon directly into one of my home planet’s many suns if I fail to do so.
Thank you for your question, Marion. Continue to educate the humans with your words. I can’t be the only one on the job.
Alien Jones is the Intergalactic Correspondent for the Bookshelf Battle. Do you have a question for the Esteemed Brainy One? Submit it to Bookshelf Q. Battler via a tweet to @bookshelfbattle, leave it in the comment section on this site, or drop it off on the Bookshelf Battle Google + page. If AJ likes your question, he might promote your book, blog, or other project while providing his answer.
Submit your questions by midnight Friday each week for a chance to be featured in his Sunday column. And if you don’t like his response, just let him know and he’ll file it into the recycling bin of his monolithic super computer. No muss, no fuss, no problem.
Afraid it’s one of those days where I don’t have much for you at all.
On a whim, I went back and tweeted every Indie Author that Alien Jones has promoted thus far since his Ask the Alien column started in March.
Sixteen so far and another author has already made an inquiry for this Sunday.
Check out @bookshelfbattle ‘s most recent tweets for all the indie book promo goodness.
Alien Jones’ question for you:
Why haven’t you asked the alien a question and gotten your plug yet?
Alien Jones has been on a hot streak. This Sunday will mark 5 whole consecutive weeks of the Esteemed Brainy One answering a question. (He’s answered questions from 16 going on 17 writers, but has sometimes gone a week or two here and there with no one consulting his bulbous brain.)
Can we keep this momentum going?
Ask the Alien a question and get in the cue!
It sure would make the Mighty Potentate happy and the happier the MP is, the less likely Alien Jones is to get vaporized by his boss.
Greetings Earth Losers! A Happy Sunday to you all and thank you for taking time out of your busy schedules of Comic Con Cosplay to read this fine column.
(Sorry, but all 3.5 of you can’t be Daenerys Targaryen. 2.5 of you are going to have to change.)
Huzzah! My favorite Game of Thrones character is doing great and…uh oh.
Speaking of, Bookshelf Q. Battler, a Game of Thrones fanboy if there ever was one, not only plotzed, but passed out and had to be resuscitated by the Yeti when he received this tweet:
@bookshelfbattle I'd like to submit one of my books for battle against a classic….
Yes, that’s none other than Justin Sloan, a writer for Telltale Games, who’s worked on the Game of Thrones video game, as well as Tales from the Borderlands.
He’s an optioned screen writer, a USMC veteran, and a recent guest on the Self Publishing Podcast with Johnny, Sean and Dave:
BQB informs me he enjoyed that podcast thoroughly, because it explains how one author managed to rise above the odds and land a sweet, sweet career as video game writer. You don’t get there without rolling up your sleeves and putting a little elbow grease in, folks, and Justin can certainly attest to that.
(Plus, Dave doesn’t even complain about the lousy service at Target and Olive Garden once in the entire show.)
Teddy Bears in Monsterland
Anyway, long story short, BQB reached out to Justin to inform him he enjoyed his appearance on SPP and Justin, class act that he is, requested that one of his books be pitted against a classic on bookshelfbattle.com
After reviewing Justin’s Amazon Author Page, I, Alien Jones, humble intergalactic correspondent, will now pit one of his works against a classic and decide which one is better.
Teddy Bears in Monsterland vs. Hamlet
Hamlet. It’s considered by scholars of English literature to be the quintessential piece of writing that everyone should read at least once in their lifetime.
It’s routinely assigned in high school English classes and actors believe it is a great achievement when cast in a production of the Bard’s seminal work.
But, it’s severely lacking in the teddy bears vs. monsters department.
I’ve studied the entire play and not once do I see:
POLONIUS: Come come, my son, for your ship doth prepare to embark and thou hast yet to encounter a teddy bear with magical powers.
LAERTES: Fi on thee, oh father! For I hath witnessed many bow tied teddy bears able to harness the power of the supernatural for the purposes of dispatching monsters most foul!
A great oversight on Shakespeare’s part, if you ask me. I don’t know how he wasn’t laughed out of the industry for such an epic fail.
As an alien being with a superior intellect (which doesn’t take much when you’re around humans), I’m fairly certain Back by Sunrise would soundly defeat The Chronicles of Narnia. Really, all a competitor has to do is offer Edmund a piece of candy and he’ll gladly sell out his entire family.
Are you an aspiring scribe? Justin has some books about writing that you might want to check out as well.
Finally, and avert your eyes Game of Thrones fans if you don’t want to read a SPOILER but, come on Justin. Seriously. What’s next for Jon Snow? Is there a resurrection afoot? Maybe the Red Woman works a little hocus pocus? Perhaps a little eye of newt gets dropped into a potion and Jon’s back to his old mopey know nothing self again?
Come on. Spill the beans. The secret will be safe here. Only 3.5 people read this blog anyway, and one of them is Bookshelf Q. Battler’s aunt.
Alien Jones is the Intergalactic Correspondent for the Bookshelf Battle Blog, on a mission to raise Earth’s collective intelligence levels one question at a time. Do you have an inquiry for the Esteemed Brainy One? Tweet it to @bookshelfbattle or leave it in the comments on bookshelfbattle.com. If he likes your question, he might even promote your book, blog, or other project in his answer.
Green alien image courtesy of a shutterstock.com license.
Delilah K. Donnelly, BQB’s exceptionally attractive henchwoman…er, attorney.
Here’s the deal.
In my personal life, I’m busier than a porcupine at a pin cushion convention.
If I get an hour a day to write, I consider myself lucky.
That’s why blogging works for me. Every day, a short daily post, and then I move on.
That’s also why Jake, Ms. Donnelly and I are doing so well with Pop Culture Mysteries. Ms. Donnelly delivers, Jake reports, I post. Who could ask for anything more?
Here’s some ideas for the future. Since you’re my 3.5 readers, you tell me if any, all, or none of these are appealing:
#1 – A Spin-Off Site
I’m mulling over the possibility of creating a spin-off Pop Culture Mysteries site. Already secured the site and everything. It’d be all Jake all the time.
PRO: Jake gets his own digs. More Internet presence for the Bookshelf Battle goodness.
CON: It’s been an uphill battle in the snow with no shoes on to get people to feast their peepers on this site. The idea of splitting visits and views among two sites rather than just bring them all here worries me.
But if I did create a spin-off site:
#2 – Both Sites Work Together
As said above, I have less free time than a cat a yarn ball factory.
Jake and I would set up the Pop Culture Mystery posts here on bookshelfbattle.com. You, the 3.5 readers, would give us advice, feedback, criticism, ideas to make them better.
In fact, as the gumshoe and I consider directions the various plot lines of the series will take in the future, we can already see some things we’d like to change in what’s been posted so far.
(Jake and I have still yet to meet in person. Ms. Donnelly handles all our correspondence, of course.)
Am I going to fully rely on you 3.5 readers? No. In the future, I hope to retain the help of an editor. But, for those interested in self-publishing, this is a chance to see how the sausage is made.
The posts on bookshelfbattle.com would essentially be rough drafts.
After Jake and I get the time to flush them out (with your feedback), I’d post the polished posts on the Pop Culture Mysteries spin-off site to be preserved for the ages.
Which brings us to:
#3 – Seasons, Arcs and Books
Multiple posts would be put together on the spin-off site as seasons. Each season would follow Hatcher through different story arcs.
And each season would end a book that would be sold on Amazon (perhaps even other book distribution platforms in the future).
For example, we’re in season one right now. It’s an introductory season where we are learning who the characters are. I hope to end it with… Mr. Devil Man (read a sneak peak of the first chapter here).
The books would be stand-alone, meaning a) you could buy it, read it, and understand it without ever having read the site posts but b) hopefully book readers would enjoy it enough that they’d go in search of more Bookshelf Battle goodness by visiting the sites (this one and the spin-off), thus increasing platform traffic.
I foresee a lot of audience interactivity:
Self-publishing nerds advise Jake and I here on the Bookshelf Battle Blog.
Mystery nerds enjoy Jake’s stories on the spin-off blog
Book nerds enjoy Jake’s books sold on Amazon.
I enjoy the profits because Ms. Donnelly is one hell of a lawyer and Jake doesn’t bother to read the fine print.
Speaking of…
#4 – Putting Money Into This
Relax. I’m talking about my money.
I don’t want to knock self-publishers, writers and other artists who rattle their electronic tin cup to ask for donations.
Some people have accomplished great deeds doing that. The Veronica Mars and Super Troopers 2 campaigns being examples that come to mind.
Personally, I find it icky so I’m not going to do that.
I look at this as a business and if it’s to go forward I need to put some skin in the game. What does that mean? I don’t know.
Enlisting some editing help, character artwork, images etc.
In business, the best strategy is to put out based on what’s coming in.
In other words:
You build a lemonade stand.
Everyone on your street stops by. You make a second pitcher of lemonade.
Everyone in your neighborhood comes over. You make a third pitcher.
Everyone in town wants your delicious lemonade. You dump the stand and rent a storefront.
People in the next town over drive all the way over just to sample your tasty lemonade. Time to invest in a second location.
People just can’t get enough off that sweet yellow stuff (shut up, I’m talking about lemonade). You need to start selling franchise rights because…profit!
What you don’t want to do:
You build a lemonade stand.
Aunt Gertie says it’s the best lemonade she’s ever hand.
You drain your bank account, take out a high-interest loan from a loan shark, and set up a bunch of lemonade stores on the hope that people will come only to be left with a bunch of empty stores, moldy unused lemons, and two broken legs. (Damn loan sharks).
That was my longwinded way of saying that the first season or two will look like they were produced on a modest budget, but if people like the work, I’d gladly put book proceeds towards making future seasons better.
The biggest criticism of self-publishing is that it often looks cheap. That’s somewhat understandable because these are often works produced by people on a budget, not big time studios with cash to burn.
But there’s a difference between cheap and crappy. It’s possible to put out respectable work on a budget.
Cheap doesn’t mean your work has to look like it was packaged by a bunch of carny folk.
Take The Simpsons. The first shorts that appeared on The Tracey Ullman Show were cheap to be sure, but they made people laugh and convinced FOX to dump some money into it. Here they are, still kicking after 26 years.
It’s all a carefully choreographed dance. I can’t put a ton of my own money into it now in the hopes it will pay off big time later. If it doesn’t, my bill collectors aren’t going to buy “sorry, I spent all the money on my private dick” as an excuse.
But the more eyes that end up on the sites and books, the more old BQB’s wallet can be pried open, even if moths will fly out.
#5 – Conclusions
All I’m really asking is:
Does this strategy sound good or bad?
How have Jake and I done on the series so far? Does it seem like something worth putting more work into?
Alien Jones abducting questions from indie authors.
And not just because his Supreme Overlord, the Mighty Potentate, has threatened to vaporize him if he doesn’t.
Still need proof? Here’s a conversation we had just the other day:
BQB: Alien Jones, you’d still help indie authors promote their books on the Bookshelf Battle Blog even if the Mighty Potentate hadn’t threatened to vaporize you, right?
AJ: Ummm…
BQB: I doubt he’s listening.
AJ: He’s totally listening! He knows all! YES! Yes, of course, I love answering human questions. It warms the cockles of my ganderflazer it surely does. I love writing the “Ask the Alien” column just as much as I love the Mighty Potentate.
Alien Jones is the Intergalactic Correspondent for the Bookshelf Battle Blog, on a mission to raise Earth’s collective intelligence levels one question at a time. Do you have a question for the Esteemed Brainy One? Tweet it to @bookshelfbattle on Twitter, leave it in the comments on bookshelfbattle.com, or stop by Bookshelf Battle on Google Plus. If he likes your question, he might even promote your book, blog, other project in his answer.
Part 1 – Hatcher stops by the Pack N’ Sack Liquor Mart, where even the owner thinks our resident gumshoe has a problem.
AND NOW THE POP CULTURE MYSTERIES CONTINUE….
The kid was packing a semi-automatic pistol. He turned his attention away from me and pointed his weapon at Lou.
“Empty it!”the punk commanded as he pointed to the register.
Beads of sweat dripped off of Lou’s barren cranium, but he stayed cool.He nodded and without making a fuss, took every last bill out of the register and shoved them into a paper bag.
Booze – it always gets Hatcher into trouble one way or the other.
“Son,”I said.
The youngun ignored me.
“Son, I think you need to take a long hard look at what you’re doing here.”
The gun was back in my face again.The kid’s hand was shaking like a leaf being blown around in a swift breeze.He was more nervous than a hen at a fox convention.
Clearly, he was not a pro.
“SHUT UP!”
“Why don’t you put that thing away before someone gets hurt?”
The kid’s eyes were filled to the brim with fear.
“This is your first rodeo, isn’t it Jack?”
“Hatcher,”Lou said as he slid the bag of money across the counter.“Will you shut the hell up before you get us both killed?”
The gun was in Lou’s face again.
“DID ANYONE ASK YOU?!”
“Whoa,”Lou said as he shot his hands up into the air.“Easy.No problem.That’s all yours.Anything you want.”
“I think if he was going to use that thing he’d of clipped us both by now,”I said.
And once again, I was staring down a barrel.
“GIMMIE YOUR WALLET!”
I laughed. “Oh if it’s a payday you’re looking for fella, you’re barking up the wrong tree with yours truly.”
Lou went ballistic.
“HATCHER WILL YOU STOP SCREWING AROUND WITH THIS GUY AND DO WHAT HE SAYS?!”
Spooked by Lou’s fat cake hole, the kid spun around again, but this time I grabbed his forearm and slammed it down on the counter’s hard edge. He fired a shot that shattered one of the bottles on the shelf behind the counter, spraying a good year scotch all over the place. What a waste.
The pain forced the perpetrator to loosen his grip on his heater, which allowed me to take it from him.
I hauled back and smashed the scumbag’s nose with the butt of the gun, causing the him to hit the floor like a sack of potatoes.I brought my wingtip down on the guy’s ribs a few times for good measure, only stopping when I heard one of them crack.
Keeping my foot on the crook’s chest, I used my right hand to hold the kid’s own gun on him and my left hand to search around inside his jacket pocket.
“Now then,”I said as I pulled out the yahoo’s wallet.“Let’s see who you are.”
My captive spit a mouthful of blood all over Lou’s nice, clean linoleum floor.I flipped the wallet open and found myself staring at the suspect in custody’s driver’s license.
“Least of your problems,” I said.“The first one being you’re the only criminal I’ve ever met dumb enough to bring his identification along on a heist.Get on our feet.”
Like a fish in the bottom of a canoe, the kid flopped around on the floor until Lou finally came around and hoisted him up.
“Craig, I want to tell you a story.It’s called, ‘The Wrong Guy.’”
“Hatch,”Lou interrupted.“Let’s just call the cops, huh?”
I ignored my alcohol selling friend and carried on.The kid didn’t look like he was all that interested, but he didn’t have much of a choice but to listen since I was the one with the gun.
“You see my friend here,”I said as I pointed to Lou.“He did what most people would do.He gave you what you wanted.Most guys will do just that.Most guys aren’t looking for trouble. As much as most guys like to complain about how exhausting they find life, when faced with the possibility of taking the long dirt nap, they quickly discover they aren’t as tired as they thought.”
Lou returned back behind the counter.The kid clutched his aching chest and leered at me like he wanted to tear me apart.
“But then there’s the wrong guy,”I said.“The wrong guy is usually a real piece of work.He’s a guy who’s taken a wrecking ball to his existence.He’s given up on ever being loved by a woman after a lifetime of heartache. This guy has tossed his dreams into the trashcan where they belong and frankly, he’s taken so many lives that one more won’t matter a hill of beans to him.”
I pressed the cold steel right between the degenerate’s eyes.He closed them.
“You see son, the wrong guy doesn’t have anything to lose. You might think you’ll be able to spend your whole life pushing people around and taking what doesn’t belong to you but one of these days you’re going to meet the wrong guy and mark my words, when you meet this miserable excuse for a human being and get between him and his bottle, the last thing he truly gives a flying rat’s ass about in his cold, depressing life, he will not hesitate to take your gun away from you like the sissy mary that you truly are, beat you to a bloody pulp with it then blow your brains out all over the place.”
“Get it over with,”the kid muttered.
“Oh,”I said as I stepped back.“We’ve got a miscommunication here. Sorry to scare you my boy, but I’m not the wrong guy. I’m pretty close to being the wrong guy, but I’m not quite there yet. You see, I’m haunted by the face of every man I’ve put in the ground, even though every last one of them deserved it.It’s a helluva thing taking a life.It causes a torment to brew in your gut that I wouldn’t wish on my worst enemy.You’d of felt it one day had you greased me or my friend over there.Sadly, you’re probably too stupid to realize that you should thank me for sparing you from the misery that comes with taking a life.”
“If I thank you will you let me go?”
“I don’t give the Pope’s pointy hat about it,”I said.“I just don’t need to be kept up at night with your butt ugly mug dancing around in my brain when there’s already a bunch of slimeballs taking up that valuable real estate.”
The three of us just stood around staring at each other like a trio of idiots.
“What now?”the kid asked.
“Take a walk,”I said as I put the gun in my coat pocket, not far from where Betsy was resting her in holster.
The failed stick-up man didn’t waste any time in making a beeline for the door.
“Kid,”I said.He stopped but didn’t turn around.
“This is a second chance,”I said.“They’re few and far between in life, if at all.Use it. Pull yourself out of the gutter before you do meet the wrong guy.”
The door bell dinged and the hood was gone.Lou bolted for the door and locked it, then returned to the counter.
“What the hell is wrong with you?You could have gotten us both killed ya’ moron!”
“By who?”I asked.“That wimp?Please.Rule number one of being a criminal is don’t pull a piece unless you’re ready to use it.One look at that kid’s eyes told me he wasn’t ready.”
“Yeah well, maybe not all of us want to take that risk,”Lou said as he pulled out his little beep boop phone machine.
“What’re you doing?”I asked.
“Ordering a pizza. What do you think jackass?I’m calling the cops!”
I took Lou’s phone out of his hand, hanged it up, and set it on the counter.
“Last thing the world needs is one more life lost to the clink,”I said.“Probably just some loser down on his luck who never had an adult in his life willing to teach him right from wrong and thought this would be a good way to make a quick buck.Don’t worry about it.I scared that kid straight.”
“You scared a skidmark into my undies is what you did.”
Lou opened up the biggest paper bag he had, put the tequila I’d purchased earlier into it, then added a couple extra selections.
“A reward for the conquering hero,”Lou said as he handed me the hooch.“Go home and celebrate.”
“Will do,”I said as I headed for the door.
“But Hatcher?”
“Yeah.”
“I still want to see you in that meeting Saturday night, mi amigo.Now I’m convinced there’s something worth saving in you more than ever.”
“Go wash your undies, Lou.”
Copyright Bookshelf Q. Battler 2015. All Rights Reserved.
Bookshelf Battle 