Tag Archives: top ten lists

Jan 31 2017
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top ten lists

Top Ten Reasons Why Your Butt Hurts

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Hello 3.5 readers.

Many of you may be unaware of this, but in my spare time, I dabble in the fine arts of proctology and have even been named an Amateur Proctologist by a noted correspondence school.

Does your butt hurt?  If it does, you’ve got to get on that.  A hurt butt left to chance is a disaster, not only for you but for anyone unlucky enough to be standing within your blast radius when it goes off.

Note that I’m talking about “hurt butts” and not “butt hurt.”  Butt hurt is when you experience emotional pain so deep that you end up feeling it in your butt.

I’m talking about actual hurting butts.  From BQB HQ in Fabulous East Randomtown, here are the top ten reasons why your butt might be hurting:

#10 – Alien Probes

Alien Jones informs me that this experimental method of human butt research has been banned, but there are aliens who have been known to go rogue all over human butts.  If your butt hurts, it may be because aliens snuck into your room and inserted all kinds of devices filled with bells, lights and whistles.

If you think it is possible that you have been probed by aliens, I would suggest that you set up surveillance cameras.  If, in the morning, your butt hurts, check the footage to see if any aliens were in your room.  Note that some aliens have Predator style cloaking devices, so you will have to look at the footage closely for the tell tale shimmer.

#9 – Wrong Toilet Paper

Take a look at your supermarket’s butt wipe aisle and you’ll find a smorgasbord of toilet paper.  Butts are like Goldilocks – sometimes they’ll find a paper to be too soft or too hard.  Your butt needs to keep looking until it finds the paper that is just right.  If you are using coarse sandpaper on your butt, you’re doing it wrong.

#8 – Parasites 

I told you not to drink that rain puddle water and/or to not make out with your dog but you just didn’t listen, did you?  Report to your doctor for immediate tapeworm removal.  Don’t look at me.  I’m just an amateur.

#7 – Getting Your Butt Kicked

Did you hit on someone else’s girlfriend?  Did you stick your nose some place where it didn’t belong?  Did you insult someone?  Then problem solved.  That giant shoe that connected with your butt is the reason why your butt hurts.  Put some ice on your butt and learn some manners.

#6 – Wiping Revisited

You might be doing it wrong.  Maybe you have the right toilet paper but the wrong technique.  Your butt is very sensitive so you must gently caress your butt as if you are touching it with the wings of an angel.  Don’t just stick a wad of toilet paper up your butt and go all jackhammer style.  That’s a good way to end up with a bad case of roids.

 #5 – Lightning Infused Toaster Pastry Toilet Death

Totally happened to me.  If you shoot a lightning bolt out of your butt, you will destroy your toilet, your life, and your butt.  Beware breakfast foods that have absorbed lightning, hurricanes, tornadoes or other catastrophic weather events.

#4 – Olympic Flatulence Competitions

Pictured above is East Randomtown Mayor Harvey Smotchenbocker.  Though he is a world class athlete who is able to shoot fire out of his butt, he has undergone years of training, thus allowing him to flex his butt muscles so as to shoot fire out of his butt without causing himself any damage.  I advise you to leave such flatulence theatrics to the professionals and to not try this at home.

#3 – Ingrown Butt Hairs

It happens.  Sometimes a butt hair grows rogue and causes all kinds of damage.  My best advice is to find a trustworthy friend who is willing to do you a solid and keep your butt hair trimmed.

#2 – Brazilian Wax 

Ah, the Brazilians.  They have given us so much.  Restaurants where they serve meat on swords AND super clean nether region waxing.  It’ll hurt today, but your butt will be totally smooth tomorrow…or the next day…or the day after that…whenever the swelling goes down.

#1 – Botched Colonoscopies

You don’t get to eat for a day before, you’ve got to take all kinds of laxatives or do whatever your doctor instructs you.  Then a giant camera attached to what can only be described as a leather octopus tentacle is shoved up your butt.  Done just right, it won’t hurt at all.  However, if your butt doctor just jams it up there and wiggles it around like he’s beating a bowl full of cake batter, then it will probably hurt.  Luckily, butt doctors go to school to practice their butt inspection techniques to avoid this problem.

CONCLUSIONS

I’m just an amateur so don’t take my advice.  If your butt hurts, seek the wise counsel of a professional butt doctor.  Women, you never know what’s going in your butts and the men staring at them can only tell you what’s going on outside of your pants.  Men, you’ve got those prostrates so get them checked before the Big C sets up shop.

A good butt doctor can save your life and keep you being one of my 3.5 readers for many years to come.

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Dec 04 2016
8 Comments
top ten lists

Top Ten Gifts You Shouldn’t Buy Your Girlfriend for Christmas

Oh joyous Yuletide.  This is the time of year for couples to take a moment to let each other know how they truly feel about one another.

But men, no matter how loudly your girlfriend may shout her lack of interest in material possessions, if you leave a junky gift under her tree on Christmas Eve, then your tree will be incredibly lonely in the new year.

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From BQB HQ in fabulous East Randomtown, it’s the Top Ten Gifts You Shouldn’t Buy Your Girlfriend for Christmas:

#10 – Blender, Mixer, Iron, Washing Machine, Other Household Appliances

Hmm.  A dilly of a pickle here.  If she’s actually expressed an interest in a particular appliance, then go for it but only, ONLY if you also get her something else awesome in addition to said appliance.

EXAMPLE:

YES:

WOMAN:  I love to bake!  Baking is my life!  I wish I had an electric mixer so I could make more cookies!

MAN:  Here’s a mixer…

WOMAN: I hate you!

MAN: And a pair of ridiculously expensive earrings!

WOMAN:  I don’t hate you as much now!

NO:

WOMAN:  I never bake.  What the hell is this mixer for?  Are you trying to imply I should be a subservient kitchen slave, that my only purpose in life is to bake cookies to shove into your hideous, misogynistic caveman suckhole?!

MAN:  Um, it was shiny and on sale?

WOMAN:  Sleep on the floor forever!

Remember, in either case, and especially in the latter case, the household appliance should not be THE ONLY gift.

Come to think of it, even in the case where she REALLY wants that mixer (i.e. cooking/baking is her life and she keeps Rachel Ray on her DVR), you might want to wait until January just in case.  Make it look like you were just being thoughtful and it had nothing to do with Christmas.

Actually, you know what, just get her a bag of diamonds and a pony and a tiara and then if she really wants you to get her a household appliance of any kind, tell her that she’s going to have to submit that request in the form of a signed, notarized in triplicate letter.  Two impartial witnesses of upstanding moral character will also be required to confirm in a video that she asked for a household appliance.

#9 – That Damn Tub of Three Flavored Popcorn

It’s the ultimate gift you get when you get invited to a party held by someone you sort of like, but don’t really.

You know, I’m talking about that guy who you’re like, “Eh I’ve known him a long time so I don’t want to skip his Christmas party but if he gets hit by a bus tomorrow I’m not taking a day off for his funeral.”

Stores put these addictive snack canisters right out front over the holidays because they’re cheap and allow you to say that you cared enough to bring something to the party.

And yes, you did bring something to the party…THE GODDAMN HARBINGER OF THE EBOLA VIRUS!

People love popcorn.  Especially the cheese corn.  Or the caramel corn.  Or maybe you’re a buttery traditionalist.  Either way, by the end of that party, a minimum of five hundred and ninety seven hands are going to be shoved deep inside the bowels of that tub.

Statistically speaking, it will be highly unlikely that any of those hands will be washed, thus that three flavored tub of popcorn with Santa’s face on it will turn into a petri dish filled to the brim with bacteria, germs and contagion.

Bottomline – you don’t want to bring this tub to your worst enemy’s home, let alone your girlfriend’s humble abode.  Also, since those tubs usually don’t cost more than five bucks if that, your babe is going to think you are a big time cheapskate (as soon as she’s done being treated for popcorn induced Ebola virus).

#8 – Gift Cards

Yeah, I get it.  You realized this is all just one big giant mind game, so you flipped over the board, scattered the pieces all over the room and decided not to play anymore.

“Here babe.  I pay just enough attention to know what your favorite stores are but not enough to know what you’d want.”

Essentially, this is borderline treating your gal like a prostitute.  “Here’s a down payment on another year’s worth of nookie.”

I’ll just throw it out there though.  If you are confident that the gift you actually put time and effort into selecting will pass muster, than tossing in a gift card might sweeten the pot enough that she might (I stress might) forgive you if the actual gift you got turns out to be all wrong.

(SPOILER ALERT: Your gift will no doubt be wrong no matter what).

At any rate, like that mixer you got your baker girlfriend, a gift card can’t be the only gift.

#7 – Perfume

This is a real roll of the dice.  If she’s always raving about a fancy perfume, you might get her a bottle…but know how your girlfriend’s mind works (I know, that’s like asking a man to know how the atom is split or how the universe came into being, but give it your best guess).

Imagine yourself giving your girlfriend the perfume.  If you honestly can’t imagine her taking this gift as a sign that you think she stinks like a back alley dumpster, then go ahead and get her that trendy bottle of Eau du Ooo la la.

Otherwise, you might want to just skip out on this one.

#6 – Fitness Equipment

Exercise bikes.  Treadmills.  Weights.  Elliptical machines.  Even if she is a fitness nut and a professional athlete, she’ll beat you within an inch of your life if she comes downstairs to find a gift shaped like a paper wrapped stationary bike under the tree.

Seriously dude.  You might as well just hand her a card that reads, “I think you are a big fatty fat fatty so lose some weight or my magnificent junk and I are taking our business elsewhere, fatty.”

MEN: But BQB, she actually asked me for an exercise bike.  She feels this would help her with her regular fitness routine.  She’s even made a point of printing out information about her top bike choices for my perusal.

And I’ve got a bridge in Brooklyn I’d like to sell you for a song, you big league sucker!

Do not buy your girlfriend fitness equipment, even with a signed, notarized in triplicate request letter, and even if she holds a gun to your head unless you want to be dumped like yesterday’s trash.

MEN: But BQB, if I don’t get her the exercise bike she asked for, she complain about it on Christmas.

“Honey, this diamond encrusted necklace is lovely but you forgot my exercise bike.”

Yes, she might hit you with that, but in that case, just tell her that you are an idiotic dumb ass man and all the various bells and whistles on the bikes were much too confusing so you got her a diamond encrusted necklace instead but you plan to take her to the bike store at her convenience so she can select her favorite one.

Why will you take this approach?  Because you’ll never win with fitness equipment, even with specifically asked for fitness equipment, but you also won’t win by pointing out that she’d be mad about getting fitness equipment because (follow me here) in the moment when she does not get fitness equipment, she doesn’t realize she’d be mad if she got it.  She would only actually get mad if she got it.  Since she didn’t get it, she just assumes you are a buffoon that didn’t listen to her.

You’re not getting out of this without some kind of black mark on your boyfriend record, but trust me, “buffoon” is better than the beating you’ll take after all her girlfriends work her up when they have a cry-in session and burn effigies of you while they take turns cursing your name and your decision to buy her fitness equipment for Christmas.

But if she doesn’t bring it up, you don’t bring it up.  (Just throwing it out there. That’s good advice on literally everything that will ever happen throughout your entire relationship).

#5 – Framed Photos of the Two of You

Adorable and says you really love the idea of the two of you together, but it can’t be the only gift.  If you decide to get this as one of many gifts in order to show you’re a romantic or something, be sure to pick a photo of her that she likes.  She must have said no less than three times that she likes the photo in question before having it printed and framed.

#4 – Electronic Equipment of Any Kind

Women don’t give a shit about giant TVs and HD TVs and HDMI cables and Xboxes and so on.  (Well, my Video Game Rack Fighter does but she’s a rarity).

She will instantly see this for what it is…a gift for you.

Speaking of…

#3 – Gifts That Are Really For You

Yes, it would be awesome to be the proud owner of an ATV or a jet ski or one of those frigging jet packs that you can take to a lake and user water to fly, but if you see yourself using it more than she will, then it is a gift for you and she will see through this.

Lingerie will also be considered a gift for you.  Unless she’s a Cinemax actress (that joke worked better in the 1990s) she probably doesn’t walk around in lingerie all day or think that putting on a skimpy outfit that involves 900 straps and snaps is particularly comfortable and/or a benefit to her wardrobe.

#2 – Animals

Personally, I’ve noticed a lot of women like animals.  Cats.  Dogs.  I’ve met a lot of women who are really into enormous, two-hundred pound dogs and whenever I meet such women I want to dress up like Dr. Freud and sit them down on my couch and get them to admit that they are really into enormous dogs because they see gigantic dogs as obedient men they can love and punish at will and on their own timetable.

Hmm.  That theory actually deserves a post on its own.  At any rate, don’t get your woman a pet.

First, maybe she doesn’t like pets.  If you give a person who doesn’t like pets a pet, they’re going to think, “Well, why don’t you just take a giant dump on every square inch of my home and save me the trouble.”

I mean, if she really, really, really wants a pet then you could get her a pet but again, you’re going to need the notarized request letter.  Otherwise, when the pet inevitably turns out to be a crazed, psychopathic furniture humping rug pooping nightmare beast, she will go on and on about “your brilliant idea” to buy a pet and all those times when she made googly eyes at that proverbial puppy in the window will be long forgotten.

In either case, whether she’s a pet lover or a pet hater, whether the pet was her idea or yours, you will be the asshole walking that furry little pooping machine at 3 a.m. in the middle of a rain storm so…just keep that shit in mind before you get that pet.

#1 – Jewelry, Flowers, or Anything, Really

You’d think jewelry or anything traditionally girly would be a safe bet but even this will most likely be frowned upon.  It might be your safest bet, but she’ll just view you as lacking imagination.

Come to think of it, that brings me to…

BONUS SECTION: THERE IS NO WAY YOU CAN WIN

Yup.  There’s no way to win here.

Men are simple, logical creatures.  Want to make us happy?  Bake us a cookie and touch our disgusting nether regions once in a blue moon and we’ll be happy.

Sure, some of us like to rant and rave about how if only our current girlfriends weren’t holding us back, we could be with women who would bake us cookies and touch our disgusting nether regions 24/7 but literally only ten men in the entire world are handsome and/or wealthy and/or intelligent enough to actually make that shit happen in real life.

The rest of us have just given in to the grim reality that if we take enough abuse for long enough, our women might let us get a pity boob honk in once per presidential administration.

THE AVERAGE MALE EXPERIENCE:

1996: Bill Clinton – “I feel your pain.”

HUSBAND: Can we uh…

WIFE: (ROLLS EYES): Ugh, I guess so.

2000 – George W. Bush – “Strategery!”

HUSBAND: Think it might be time to uh…

WIFE: Ugh, just get it over with.

2004: George W. Bush – “Mission Accomplished!”

HUSBAND: Babe, isn’t it time to…

WIFE: Yeah, yeah just keep the light on so I can read my book.

2008: Barack Obama – “Hope and Change.”

HUSBAND: I hope to change that uh…

WIFE: Yeah, whatever.

2012: Barack Obama – “Look, here’s the deal.”

HUSBAND:  Look, here’s my…

WIFE: Ugh!

2016: Donald J. Trump – “Grab her by the…”

HUSBAND: What say I grab that…

WIFE: You’ve grabbed enough for twenty years, pervert!

At any rate, women are mysterious.  They have no idea what they want but they feel you should.  You can’t get them nothing.  You have to get them something.

But just keep in mind that whatever you get will be wrong.

Get her a house?  The shutters are the wrong color.

Get her a car?  She wanted a different one.

Get her an island?  She wanted an archipelago.

Damn women and their love of archipelagoes.

The point is that if you at least avoid the obvious pitfalls like fitness equipment, kitchen equipment and tubs of popcorn, then you have a small (very small) chance of preventing Christmas from turning into World War III.

Just do what I do every year.  I just lie down under the tree and curl myself up into the fetal position and when Video Game Rack Fighter comes downstairs, I throw my wallet at her and shout, “Please! Please! Just get yourself something and free my mind from this virtual hell!”

It totally works…to an extent.  Like I said, perfection is impossible and therefore should not be your goal.  Just try to do as little damage to your ability to get your disgusting nether regions touched once every four years.

Four more years!  Four more years!  Four more years!

3.5 readers, do you have any ideas on what to get a woman for Christmas?  Discuss in the comments.

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Nov 30 2016
5 Comments
top ten lists

Top Ten Christmas Movies

Ho ho ho 3.5 readers.

Jingle bells, the Yeti smells, BQB is still in captivity.

But that’s ok because I have my ways of getting around the Yeti.

Did you know you can help rid BQB HQ of Yeti rule by following me on Twitter – @bookshelfbattle ?

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In the meantime, from BQB HQ, here are the Top Ten Christmas Movies, in no particular order:

10.  Scrooged (1988) – A Christmas Carol has been remade, rebooted, and parodied a ridiculous amount of times.  It makes sense because it follows a classic formula for teaching a main character the error of his ways.  For me, the best and funniest retelling was this Bill Murray comedy from the late 1980s.  Entertainment executive Cross follows in Scrooge’s footsteps by chasing money and working his way to the top of a TV network, only to realize he missed out on the love of his life Claire (Karen Allen) and not taking care of the people who have helped him along the way like Bobcat Goldthwait’s take on Bob Cratchit in the form of Eliot Loudermilk.

9.  Home Alone (1990) – Truly the most heartwarming film about child neglect, Kevin McCallister (Macaulay Culkin) left behind by his large family on Christmas and must defend the family homestead from robbers Daniel Stern and Joe Pesci.  Ironically, the sequel stars the 45th President of the United States.

8.  A Christmas Story (1983) – Author Jean Shepherd’s recollections of his youth come to life as Ralphie (Peter Billingsley) hounds his family into buying him a Red Ryder BB gun, despite their fears that he’ll shoot his eye out.  Hollywood embarrassed itself terribly by making a sequel you shouldn’t bother with.

7.  Bad Santa (2003) – Ever wonder if that person in the department store mall Santa outfit is a reputable character?  Billy Bob Thornton answers a resounding “no.”  RIP John Ritter and Bernie Mac.

6.  The Muppet Christmas Carol (1992) – If Scrooged is the best version of the Dickens classic, then this is the second best.  Michael Caine as Scrooge.  Kermit as Cratchit.  It’s all good.

5.  Gremlins (1984) – You forgot this takes place at Christmas, didn’t you?  Zach Galligan and Phoebe Cates end up battling little green men over the holidays when a wise Chinese shopkeepers mugwai care instructions are ignored.  Never feed a gremlin after midnight.  (Isn’t it always after midnight somewhere?  Like what is the feeding window?  Isn’t 1 p.m. still after the previous day’s midnight?)  Check it out for Phoebe’s monologue about her Dad dressing up as Santa Claus and then getting trapped in the chimney and dying, thus ruining her yuletide spirit forever.  I have yet to figure out if this speech is supposed to be straight up serious or darkly comedic.  Maybe a little of both.  Gizmo…caca!

4.  The Polar Express (2004) – Breathtaking animation.  Tom Hanks animated as multiple characters.

3.  Prancer (1989) – A girl takes in a reindeer as her pet, only to discover…dun dun dun…that it belongs to Santa!  #mindblown

#2 – Die Hard (1988) – I don’t care what anyone says, this is a Christmas movie.  Truly the best underdog action hero story about a man who tries to make amends with his estranged wife by attending her office Christmas party only to end up having to save the day from German terrorists.  Yippy ki yay.

#1 – Christmas Vacation (1989) – This one is number one for a reason.  It really is the best Christmas movie ever made.  Others come and go.  I might watch them or I might not but every year I watch Die Hard and Christmas Vacation.  Shitter was full!

Did I miss your favorite Christmas movie, 3.5 readers?  Tell me about it in the comments.

 

 

 

 

 

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Oct 29 2016
1 Comment
Movies

Top Ten Halloween Movies

By: Count Krakovich, Asshat Vampire

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Bleh!

3.5 readers, you have spent the past month defeating many vampires with my sage wisdom, so now it is time to treat yourself to a monster movie marathon!

Without further ado, here is a list of the Top Ten Horror Films you should watch this Halloween:

#10 – Night of the Living Dead (1968)

George A. Romero invented the zombie genre with his 1968 classic.  It’s low budget but that’s ok.  Creepy hands busting through the walls of a house cost little but scare lots.

“They’re coming to get you Barbara.”  Scary!

#9 – Nightmare on Elm Street Series (Started in 1984 then Kind of Went On Forever)

Notorious child murderer Freddy Kruger (Robert Englund) beats a murder rap on a technicality but gets burned alive by neighborhood parents in an act of vigilante justice.

Freddy, with his burned up face, fedora, striped turtleneck sweater and razor glove, ends up haunting teenagers’ dreams and somehow, if he kills them in a dream, they die in real life, thus the teens must avoid sleeping.

So…OK…not exactly a feel good family friendly movie. But the first film does give us a young Johnny Depp and ironically, he’s not the one in all the makeup in this picture.

Directed by horror legend Wes Craven.

#8 – Friday the 13th (Long Running Franchise that Began in 1980)

As a young lad, Jason Voorhees drowns at Crystal Lake because the teenage counselors were incompetent as shit and thats what you get for sending your kid to live under the care of dumb hormonal teenage camp counselors who, let’s face it, aren’t that much smarter than your kid to begin with.

Hell, if they were to remake this movie today, Jason would be drowning while all the teenage counselors busy themselves with cell phone selfies.

But like Elsa, Jason is not able to let it go.  He comes back again and again, always in a hockey mask, slashing away to the point where you honestly wonder why someone doesn’t shut this damn camp down.

Not that it would matter as Jason takes his show on the road, goes up against Freddy Kruger in Jason vs. Freddy and even ends up in space in the year 2455 in 2001’s shark jumping Jason X.

Don’t send your kids to camp, 3.5 readers.

#7 – Scream (1996)

This 1990s film and its sequels sought to parody the slasher film tropes of the 1970s and 1980s by featuring a killer who is obsessed with horror tropes vs. teens who use their horror trope knowledge to survive for as long as they can.

The opening scene with Drew Barrymore answering a call only to get a creepy question, “Do you like scary movies?” is iconic. Neve Campbell, Courtney Cox and David Arquette (as incompetent law man Dewey) are at their best in this and it makes me sad so much time has past because it feels like this movie was just out in the box office yesterday but alas, as I write this, I realize it has been 20 years.

Boo! I have survived Ghostface but time, that sneakiest of all killers, is slowly getting me.

#6 – Scary Movie (2000)

The Wayans Brothers walked a fine line when they parodied Scream, which was, in and of itself, a parody of slasher movies.  But whereas Scream featured enough seriousness to keep the plot moving, Scary Movie was an all out lampooning of the horror genre.

The subsequent sequels have been cringeworthy suggesting that people today just don’t get the Zucker-esque, Airplane style slapstick that the Wayans Brothers loved in the past.

But the original gave us the adorable Anna Farris and to this day, whenever I see a woman on the big screen running away from a killer, I find myself echoing the advice of Shorty Meeks (Marlon Wayons) – “Run, bitch! Run!”

Don’t trip and fall.  Don’t go upstairs. Don’t stand around. Just run, bitch. Run bitch, indeed.

#5 – The Shining (1980)

Jack Nicholson stars as Jack Torrance, a writer who takes a gig as the caretaker of a hotel.  The winters in the hotel’s area are so bad that he’s told up front that he’ll be snowed in and stir crazy for months.

Get paid to sit around and write?  Sounds like a gig my 3.5 readers/aspiring writers and I would be into.

Alas, the hotel is creepy as hell, Jack loses his mind, grabs an axe, and terrorizes his wife (Shelley Duvall) and young son, Danny (Danny Lloyd.)

“Redrum!”

“Here’s Johnny!”

#4 – The Texas Chainsaw Massacre (1974)

It’s on the list because it does have a cult following amongst horror fans but I particularly don’t care for it because this film, its sequels, and other films like it i.e. The Hills Have Eyes give us more of a look into the gore than necessary.

When we’re talking horror movies, all that is necessary for the audience to see is a knife slash, a blood spurt, a dead body on the fall. No need to go all out and show people being hacked up in gruesome detail.

I mean, seriously, I’m a vampire and even I get grossed out by this, bleh!

#3 – The Silence of the Lambs (1991)

To the best of my knowledge, this is the only horror film that has received the Oscar for best picture.

Now, there are people who will argue that this film is really a mystery with horror undertones but come on, when you have a dude that eats liver with fava beans and a nice chianti, that’s some scary shit.

Forget the werewolves and the zombies that you’ll never see. Forget the vampires that you’ll only see when you read my columns on this pitiful blog.

This film took the audience into scary minds of two twisted serial killers, Hannibal Lecter and Buffalo Bill, two men who managed to fool society into thinking they were harmless for years until their addiction to murder was exposed.

Bleh! Now that’s some scary shit.

Jodie Foster as Clarice Starling, stumbling about in the dark while Bill gets up close with his night vision goggles and she doesn’t know that he’s right next to her?

Bleh! Scary shit.

I’m a vampire and even I don’t want to put the lotion in the basket.

2002’s Red Dragon is also a worthwhile prequel, telling the story of how FBI agent Will Graham (Ed Norton) caught Lecter and then used his advice to track down “the Tooth Fairy” killer.

2001’s Hannibal and 2007’s Hannibal Rising I say, at the risk of becoming Hannibal’s dinner, not worth your time.  They are very bleh, bleh.

#2 – Saw (2004)

2004’s Saw and its sequels upped the ante as serial killer Jigsaw, introduced to his victims as a puppet who appears on video with a sinister voice, puts people into elaborate traps in which they must do terrible, horrible things to themselves and others in order to survive.

The violence is disgusting and over the top but as mindless as it all seems, the film does have a message – stop complaining about how hard life is and how you wish it was over because if you were actually stuck in a life threatening situation, your survival instinct would kick in and you would do something horrible to survive.

Appreciate life, 3.5 readers. It is better than the alternative, bleh.

#1 – Halloween (1978) 

The slasher film to end all slasher films. Some might say this film is where all those slasher film tropes began.

As a boy, a young troubled Michael Myers slashes his sister to death on Halloween night.  Years later, in 1978, an adult Michael Myers escapes a sanitarium, returns to his old neighborhood and starts slashing away at Laurie Strode (a young Jamie Lee Curtis before she resigned herself to the boy haircut) and her friends.

Multiple sequels and reboots.  They made an H20 (Halloween Twenty Years Later) in 1998 and it saddens me to no end that they could be making an H40 soon.

Bleh, if a slasher doesn’t get you, time will.  Wait, why am I worried? I’m a vampire, bleh.

Honorable Mention

  • Psycho – Norman loves his mother.
  • Hocus Pocus – if you like the costumes and the candy but don’t want to get too scared. A film so old that Sarah Jessica Parker was considered the hot one of the witch trio.
  • Shaun of the Dead and/or Young Frankenstein – if you want to laugh on Halloween
  • The Exorcist – Yeah, this should have made the list, come to think of it. The scariest film yet about demonic possession, so scary that Hollywood probably could never top it.
  • Carrie – Another by the master of horror, Stephen King.  Unpopular girl.  Popular kids play a cruel joke on her.  Her telekinetic mind powers flare and chaos ensues.  Be nice to everyone, 3.5 readers. You never know who has telekinetic powers.
  • The Blair Witch Project – Released in 1999, the filmmakers behind it did a lot with very little.  The premise was that this film was “found footage” i.e. a tape a bunch of youngsters made while carrying their camcorder around in the woods while looking for a witch.  Its mostly shaky hand held footage of kids running away and screaming though it is scary and creepy.  Sadly, due to its success, it inspired countless films where newcomers to the movie industry with low budgets shoot their films as “found footage” or as one character holding the camera and they’re all just awful. Totally awful.  It worked one time and will never work again so stop doing it, bleh.
  • Dawn of the Dead – George A. Romero returns 10 years later in 1978 with a film about a zombie takeover of a shopping mall.  Kids, a shopping mall was a place that people went to in order to purchase goods and supplies.  They existed long before Amazon figured out how to fly crap to your house via drones.

Bleh! Did I miss your favorite scary movie, 3.5 readers?

Share in the comments, bleh.

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Oct 29 2016
5 Comments
top ten lists

Top Ten Things You Should Never Do in a Horror Movie/Slasher Film

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Imagine it, 3.5 readers.

You’ve been transported into a horror film.

Not just any horror film…a slasher film!

Yes, there’s a murderer on the loose and you and your friends must survive.

Fear not.  I have watched many of these movies and I can fully advise you on what NOT to do:

#10 – Don’t Run Upstairs

Hello dummy. You’re upstairs. Now you’re down to two options – 1) jump out a window and die when you hit the ground or b) be gruesomely murdered.

It’s just common sense, people.

#9 – Don’t Be a Dick

Whoever is the douchiest usually gets it first.  The audience is eased into the concept that characters are going to be murdered by killing off the person who said and/or did something mean first.

I mean, we don’t want to see anyone murdered on screen but if someone has to, it might as well be that bimbo who stole the female lead’s boyfriend or called her a mean name or something.

#8 – Don’t Neglect Regular Car Maintenance

Get your oil changed. Get your routine maintenance. Replace your fan belt and your fluids. Get your engine checked.

Do not drive to that creepy cabin in the woods before a fully qualified mechanic (and I’m talking someone who takes pride in their work and not that lowlife schmuck at the corner gas station) has inspected and tended to your car.

Otherwise, your car will not start and then you’re just stuck there while the killer is bashing in your windshield.

#7 – Don’t Go Into the Basement

Similar to “don’t go upstairs” except when you’re in the basement, there’s not even a window to jump out of.  You’re just stuck in there with the killer, dumb ass.

#6 – Don’t Have Sex

I don’t know why but insane killers always ice people who are humping.  I’m no Dr. Freud, but I can only assume that insane killers don’t get a lot of sex and therefore they get angry and lash out at the people who are fornicating first.

#5 – Don’t Take a Shower

Why the eff are you taking a shower when there’s a killer on the loose? How you smell is the least of your worries and your boobs are only being shown for gratuitous boob footage and then once shown your purpose to the audience has been served and the killer will kill you, most likely while you’re still in the shower for easy clean up.

#4 – Don’t Trip

Get yourself a good pair of boots and watch where you’re going so you don’t stumble on a rock or a stick and break your ankle because then all that leads to is you crying and reaching your hand out for the lead character to come back and rescue you and then the lead character is put into the terrible position of deciding whether to save you or save him/herself and since it looks like you are done for he/she will choose him/herself and keep running only to feel terrible for abandoning you later.

#3 – Don’t Forget to Check Real Estate Records

Never trust a real estate agent.  Do a full, in-depth investigation of the property you are buying, renting, or otherwise visiting.  Search newspapers, county records, talk to the neighbors.

At the very least, get on your iPhone and ask Siri if anyone has been murdered in the house you are buying.

If Siri replies, “Yes, twenty people were murdered in that house, would you like me to do a web search for it?” then don’t buy that house.

#2 – Don’t Split Up

A group of friends that sticks together is a group of friends who can jump a killer and curb stomp him gangster style together.

#1 – Don’t Be Not White

Look, if you read this blog, you know I’m not politically correct at all, but I’ll give the super PC people this one.

Hollywood wants to be diverse so they’ll give the hero a non-white friend so that the studio can be all like, “Hooray we love black people!”

But slasher movies more often than not lead to the hero being the last man/woman standing so sorry but, that black friend is going to buy the farm early in the picture.

So if you are black, I’m not sure how to help you other than maybe do that classic Richard Pryor style nerdy white guy voice and the killer might leave you alone for awhile.

HONORABLE MENTION:

  • Don’t go into that dark, creepy shed filled with tools that can be used to bludgeon yourself.
  • In fact, wherever “there is” listen to all the people in the audience yelling, “Don’t go in there!”
  • If a wise elderly person tells you to do or not do something, then do or don’t do it.
  • Don’t get cheap cell phone service. Go with the company that can give you a full slate of bars even when you’re in the woods.
  • Don’t investigate strange noises on your own. Honestly. Who do you think you are, Rambo? Call the cops before the killer cuts the phone line.
  • Oh right. Don’t be a cop. They always get killed when the hero, who is hiding some where, feels hope because the cop has arrived to investigate but alas, the killer then somehow fools the cop into being killed.
  • Don’t be ugly. You can pretty much judge how long everyone in the group has left to live based on their looks.
  • Don’t tell anyone your touching life story.  That’s usually done to make the audience like you and then feel bad when you get slashed. Keep that shit to yourself.

 

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Oct 28 2016
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top ten lists

Top Ten Warning Signs Your Girlfriend Might Be the Bride of Frankenstein

“It’s alive!  It’s alive!”

No seriously, BQB’s Top Ten Girlfriend/Boyfriend Warning Sign Lists live on after a long hiatus.

So without further ado, from BQB HQ in Fabulous East Randomtown, it’s the Top Ten Warning Signs Your Girlfriend Might be the Bride of Frankenstein.

#10 – She has an electrifying personality, not in the sense that she can carry a conversation well but rather, she needs to get zapped with a damn lightning bolt every day before she gets up and moves around.

#9 – Exceptionally tall hair-do.  No one wants to sit behind her at the movies.

#8 – Frankenstein himself is always shuffling slowly in your general direction in an effort to maul you.  Can’t really blame him. She is “The Bride of Frankenstein” and not “The Bride of Insert Your Name Here” after all, you loathsome pervert.

#7 – She has incredible brute strength, so much so that a little hand action down south is out of the question.

#6 – Screams gibberish at you constantly, all day long.  So…right, like most women.

#5 – Has only been alive for five minutes but still figured out how to do that annoying duck lip selfie that all women insist on doing.

#4 – Spends a fortune on hair spray.

#3 – Has cold feet and cold everything else.

#2 – Asks you if the butt that Doctor Frankenstein sewed on her looks big. There is no acceptable answer that won’t result in you being torn apart other than, “No.”

#1 – Gets mad at you. When you ask her why she’s mad she responds, “Grr! Argh! Me think you know why! Ugh!”

 

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Oct 17 2016
3 Comments
top ten lists

Top Ten Halloween Costume Ideas

You can’t trick or treat without a dope costume, 3.5 readers, so without further ado, from the home office in East Randomtown, it’s BQB’s Top Ten Halloween Costume Ideas:

#10 – Are you fat and balding? Cool. Grow a mustache, throw on a red sweater and boom, you’re Ken Bone.

#9 – Slap a goatee on your chin. Boom. Evil You.  Already have a goatee? Shave it off. Good You.  (FYI what most people think of as a goatee is actually a Van Dyke.)

#8 – Dress like Count Krakovich and go as an Asshat Vampire.

#7 – Put on a flannel shirt and you’re either a lumberjack or a 1990s alt rocker.

#6 – Get an adult “Sexy” costume from your local seasonal Halloween costume store.  Sexy vampire. Sexy werewolf. Sexy Frankenstein. Sexy ghost. Sexy corn. Sexy unicorn. Sexy dog. Sexy cat. Sexy giraffe.  Really, its just the costume and then they make it so it shows a lot of cleavage and booty. I’ve heard they even have a Sexy Ken Bone.

#5 – Go as a politician.  Just show up at the party, demand a donation, give a half-hearted apology speech for all your epic failures and misdeeds, then leave with all the candy apples and blame your opponent for taking them.

#4 – Be that guy who has to spend a half hour explaining what his costume is to everyone.  Either be an esoteric, unquantifiable idea or concept or dress like a little known celebrity from the past. “Umm, yes I’m Jeremiah Hockenbocker, the obscure inventor who developed the butt rag in the year 1450 A.D. Yes, without my butt rag you’d never have toilet paper today. Give me candy.”

#3- Put shoes on your hands and walk everywhere on your hands instead of your feet. Claim that you’re you from an alternate universe. You’ll be horribly sore and dizzy afterwards but people will admire your commitment to staying in character.

#2 – Go as yourself. Tell everyone you’re a hobo. Consult with a stylist on November 1 to learn how you can not look like a hobo anymore.

#1 – Just wear your own clothes and buy your own candy. You’re an adult, jackass.

 

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Oct 13 2016
3 Comments
Tomfoolery, top ten lists

Top Ten Halloween Candies (Best and Worst)

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Hey kids, avoid strangers all year along.

Except on October 31.

Then put on a dumb costume and knock on strangers’ doors and demand free foodstuffs.

Who the hell invented this dumb holiday?

Oh wait. I forgot.

We here at BQB HQ love Halloween.

So without further ado, the Top Ten Halloween Candies

#10 – Candy Corn (Best)

An old staple.  Sweet.  Delicious.

Do you like the chocolate candy corn?  You know the ones where the bottom stripe is chocolate?

Eh, I do like chocolate but I prefer my candy corn to have the white stripes at the bottom.

I don’t know why.  I’ve done a lot of thought on this though and that white stripe tastes better than the chocolate strip.

The white strip basically tastes like the candy corn flavor and I can only get that candy corn flavor at Halloween time, whereas I can get chocolate all year long.

#9 – Reese’s Peanut Butter Cups (Best)

So much of my ass fat is compromised of peanut butter cups.

Mmmm.

You got chocolate in my peanut butter. No, you got peanut butter in my chocolate!

Yum. Delicious.

#8 – Coupons (Worst)

Fast food joints, stores, restaurants – they often sell coupons to pass out as Halloween treats.

Hey, here’s a coupon for a free ice cream cone.

What the eff, lady? Don’t give me an IOU for a treat.  I want my snack now.

These go right in the garbage and the corporations make big money essentially selling people nothing.

#7 – Large Candy Bars (Best)

There’s always one fine citizen who will go out and buy a bunch of regular size candy bars to pass out.

That’s right. Screw those “fun size” bars.

What’s fun about tiny candies?

The only thing that happens with a fun size candy bar is you trick your mind into eating twenty of them because they’re so small and that you end up with an ass the size of a barcalounger.

Bless you, citizen who went the extra mile and got big candy bars.

By the way – if a tiny candy bar is fun size, is a big candy bar boring size?

There’s a noodle scratcher.

#6 – Pennies (Worst)

Ugh.

Come on, old people.

I know you’re trying to get rid of your loose change.

I know those pennies are actually worth something.

But pennies aren’t edible. They aren’t delicious.  They will not make my ass fatter.

#5 – Unwrapped Baked Goods (Worst)

Well, thanks lady I gotta trash that because for all I know it could have a razor blade or a laxative or poison or something.

#4 – Popcorn Balls (Best or Possibly Worst)

Love ’em, but only if they’re wrapped.

#3 – Gum (Best)

Good for a minute or two, then it just becomes a sticky mess under your chair…sigh…just like my life.

#2 – Smarties (Best) 

Mmm.  Sugary crack.

You ever try to unwrap them and keep them together in a line without the wrapper?

Good times.

#1 – Kit Kat

Give me a break, give me a break…aww, you know the rest.

Did I leave your favorite Halloween candy off the list, 3.5 readers?

Discuss in the comments!

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May 04 2016
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top ten lists

All of BQB’s Relationship Warning Signs Top Ten Lists Reblogged!

Thanks to the knowledge packed books he keeps on his bookshelf (which he occasionally even reads) Bookshelf Q. Battler is a world renowned expert on most things.

Recently, he’s used his uncanny brain power to help his 3.5 readers learn the warning signs they need to recognize in order to keep their love boat from running aground.

Is your girlfriend a ninja?

Is your boyfriend a conspiracy theorist?

Is your girlfriend a zombie?

Is your boyfriend a hipster?

Hold onto your butts, for BQB will be reblogging them all..now!

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Apr 30 2016
1 Comment
top ten lists

Top Ten Things Your Girlfriend Might Say About You if She Were a Classic Film Noir Detective

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Fear not, 3.5 readers.  Jake Dashing continues to file his pop culture mystery reports.

I’m just so bogged down with all my work here at Bookshelf Q. Battler Headquarters that I never have time to edit and post them.

I really need to hire an assistant.

I head a rumor though that after being told to pound sand one too many times by Attorney Donnelly, Jake has set his sights on a lady detective who he shares some uh, let’s say, “personality traits” with.

Here the mystery woman is, with the Top Ten Things Your Girlfriend Might Say About You if She Were a Classic Film Noir Detective.

(Translated from English to Film Noir Speak.)

10.  ENGLISH: Babe, you left the bathroom a mess!

FILM NOIR SPEAK:  Another day, another dollar and another twenty-four hours closer to meeting my maker. I gave up on a perfect life long ago but call me crazy, I feel like even a gal like me has a right to five minutes of peace alone in the powder room.

Sigh.  No such luck.  I open the door and find the floor covered with enough water to float the Titanic, which is ironic, because the floor is also littered with enough towels to soak up the Pacific Ocean.

I need to think.  I go to the sink and turn on the faucet, hoping a splash of cool water on my face will subdue my burning rage.  No such luck.  The sink is filled with a twisted concoction of whisker hairs, shaving cream, and toothpaste.

Just what ever gal wants. A furry viscous fluid waiting for her.  Lucky me.

Thirty seconds with a washcloth would have spared my eyes from this sight.  What’s the skinny on this palooka? Is he stupid? Rude? Was he born in a barn? Raised by hobos?

Is this some kind of bizarre power play? Leave a mess to see if the little woman will clean it up?

Or is he just that obtuse that he doesn’t notice things like this?

Speaking of noticing things, out of the corner of my eye I spot that the toilet is filled with more skid marks than the Indy 500 race track.

Men. Can’t live with ’em.  Sorry. There isn’t a second verse to that old song and dance number.

9.  ENGLISH:  I love you.

FILM NOIR TRANSLATION: Love.  That and a plug nickel will buy you a cup of coffee, but at least you never have to worry about your java sprouting legs and walking away.

Men, on the other hand, have a bad habit of becoming gold medal marathon runners when you least expect it.  There one day, gone the next, the only memories he leaves you with are his silhouette against the moonlight as he makes a beeline for the door and that old familiar throbbing in your ticker…

…ba-dump…ba-dump…ba-dump.

Then again, it could just be gas.

8.  ENGLISH: I wish you’d take me somewhere nice.

FILM NOIR TRANSLATION:  There’s a part of me that wants to dance. Not that I’m a spritely ballerina type mind you but the madcap irony of life is that the less you have of it, the more you want to embrace it.  Rattling around in the back of my mind like so many marbles shot by the kid with the best aggie in school are images of myself as a wrinkled up old broad, wrapped up in a shawl, rocking away in my wheelchair, cursing myself for not having danced more in my youth.

I owe it to that old gal to trip the light fantastic fella, so either cut a rug with me or I’ll find someone who will.

7.  ENGLISH:  I baked you cookies.

FILM NOIR TRANSLATION: Sweets.  They’re one of the many cruel jokes played on us by the man upstairs.

Surely you’ve realized by now that the Almighty  has a peculiar sense of humor, right?

Cookies are delicious, but too many and you’ll end up looking like the love child of Fatty Arbuckle and King Kong.

Making whoopee is an equally pleasant pastime, but pick the wrong person and you’ll end up with some kind of dirty social disease.  You know, the kind that makes your privates shrivel up, turn green, and that’s only if you’re lucky.

Still, everything in moderation is the way to go, so here are some cookies. One a day makes the blues go way.

Two a day will make me go away.

Make your choice, Jack.

6.  ENGLISH:  Do these jeans make my butt look big?

FILM NOIR TRANSLATION: Sizes are like opinions.  They vary greatly depending where you go, and they all leave you feeling like you’re going to explode.

In this case, I feel like there’s going to be an ass explosion. I’m not about to share my size with you, Nosebox McGee, but let’s just say I’ve always fit in the same number except for today, as I tried a new boutique where apparently it’s the company creedo that everyone should have an ass flatter than everyone thought the pre-Columbus world was.

I can tell you’re burning a hole in the back of my jeans with your lustful eyes, because like bathroom cleanliness, subtlety has never been your strong suit.

So make like a tipped over milk carton and spill, Jack. Is it round like a candy apple or does it look like it’s got its own gravitational pull?

5.  ENGLISH: You forgot my birthday, jerk.

FILM NOIR TRANSLATION:  Time. Oh how that relentless son of a bitch enjoys teasing me. Taunting me. Yanking days off the calendar of my life with reckless abandon, leaving me with little more than fuzzy memories of cheap men and even cheaper vodka.

Eighteen.  Twenty-one. All the best birthdays are gone now.  What’s left to celebrate to celebrate now other than being one year closer to shaking hands with Mr. Grim Reaper himself?

Now there’s a celebrity whose autograph you don’t want.

Still, it’s perfectly normal for anyone with a pulse to feel a burning desire to be remembered. In the end, when all is said and done, when the last clump of dirt is heaped on our graves and the undertaker collects his due, all we are to the people we leave behind is the sum total of the memories they carry with them in their minds.

And apparently, my fella isn’t carrying many thought drops about me in his brain bucket.

I saw a bum shivering on a park bench this morning.  Cold. Alone. Forgotten. Cared for by no one.

Whenever my man screws up like this, it’s hard not to see myself as ending up just ike that lowdown vagrant one day.

Cold. Alone. Forgotten.  Cared for by no one.

Thanks a lot, Jack.

4.  ENGLISH: Let’s move in together.

TRANSLATION:  Space. I have it. You have it. Who needs it? Let’s live in the now and share the cow.  My milk. Your milk.  Who cares whose gullet it goes down when it all comes out yellow anyway?

Splitting digs is always a big step in any relationship.  And sure, it might turn out to be the step that lands our feet on an emotional land mine that blows our psyches to kingdom come.

Then again, it could also be the step that leads us to the American Dream.  A nice house with a front yard, a white picket fence, three kids, a dog, and our very own shared subscription to Better Homes and Gardens.

Mull it over, palooka. For as Custer said on the way to his last stand, “What’s the worst that could happen?”

3.  ENGLISH: I forgive you for (whatever dumb thing you did recently.)

FILM NOIR TRANSLATION: They say love is blind but in my case, she must have had her eyes gouged out with rusty razors because despite all the strike marks you’ve got against you, you’re still aces in my book, bub.

2.  ENGLISH: We should get married.

FILM NOIR TRANSLATION:  Here we are, two dopes stuck on a big blue marble, our lives as insignificant as a couple of ants to the shoe of a random passerby.

Call me naive. Call me crazy. Call me late for dinner but I love ya, ya big lug. There, I said it. Write it down, rubber stamp it, set it in a frame and hang it on the wall for the whole world to see.

Sure, we could end up crashing in flames like the Hindenburg but we might just circumnavigate the globe like Lucky Lindy. We’ll never know until we flap our wings and take that leap.

There’s no one I’d like to take that leap with more than you, see?

  1.  ENGLISH: I think we should break up.

FILM NOIR TRANSLATION: Alright, buster. Clean the wax out of your ears and listen up.

You and I are over. We’re done. Kaput.  It’s like seeing the final credits roll at the end of a three hour Judd Apatow film. I feel depressed that I wasted my time yet elated that this bullshit is finally out of my life now.

Take a long walk off a short pier, palooka.  Dumpsville just held an election and you’re the Mayor, the Alderman, and the dog catcher all rolled into one.

Aww, pipe down with the waterworks, see?  Like my Aunt Edna’s underpants, a crying man is a sight no one wants to see.

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