You can’t trick or treat without a dope costume, 3.5 readers, so without further ado, from the home office in East Randomtown, it’s BQB’s Top Ten Halloween Costume Ideas:
#10 – Are you fat and balding? Cool. Grow a mustache, throw on a red sweater and boom, you’re Ken Bone.
#9 – Slap a goatee on your chin. Boom. Evil You. Already have a goatee? Shave it off. Good You. (FYI what most people think of as a goatee is actually a Van Dyke.)
#8 – Dress like Count Krakovich and go as an Asshat Vampire.
#7 – Put on a flannel shirt and you’re either a lumberjack or a 1990s alt rocker.
#6 – Get an adult “Sexy” costume from your local seasonal Halloween costume store. Sexy vampire. Sexy werewolf. Sexy Frankenstein. Sexy ghost. Sexy corn. Sexy unicorn. Sexy dog. Sexy cat. Sexy giraffe. Really, its just the costume and then they make it so it shows a lot of cleavage and booty. I’ve heard they even have a Sexy Ken Bone.
#5 – Go as a politician. Just show up at the party, demand a donation, give a half-hearted apology speech for all your epic failures and misdeeds, then leave with all the candy apples and blame your opponent for taking them.
#4 – Be that guy who has to spend a half hour explaining what his costume is to everyone. Either be an esoteric, unquantifiable idea or concept or dress like a little known celebrity from the past. “Umm, yes I’m Jeremiah Hockenbocker, the obscure inventor who developed the butt rag in the year 1450 A.D. Yes, without my butt rag you’d never have toilet paper today. Give me candy.”
#3- Put shoes on your hands and walk everywhere on your hands instead of your feet. Claim that you’re you from an alternate universe. You’ll be horribly sore and dizzy afterwards but people will admire your commitment to staying in character.
#2 – Go as yourself. Tell everyone you’re a hobo. Consult with a stylist on November 1 to learn how you can not look like a hobo anymore.
#1 – Just wear your own clothes and buy your own candy. You’re an adult, jackass.