Tag Archives: vamps

#31WaysToDefeataVampire – Way #9 – Powder

By: Count Krakovich, Asshat Vampire

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“This is either a bountiful serving of booger sugar or my cousin Fred. I can’t tell.”

Bleh!

If you never watched Buffy the Vampire Slayer, then allow me to bring you up to speed.

When you kill a vampire, said vamp turns into dust.

Thus, whenever we see powder of any kind, be it baking soda, flour, dust from your poorly kept home because you are lazy, or hell, even a line of coke, we immediately fear it may be one of our vampire friends.

So if you see a vampire coming, just toss some powder at them.  Keep some baby powder handy.  Its good for fooling a vampire into thinking you killed his best vampire friend, plus a good dousing of that stuff on your tushy once a day keeps the rashes at bay.

Have you ever defeated a vampire with baking soda? Discuss in the comments.

 

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#31WaysToDefeatAVampire – Way #7 -Terrible Reboots

By: Count Krakovich, Asshat Vampire

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Bleh.

I just watched the new Ghostbusters reboot on demand.  Bleh, that’s money I’ll never get back.

It doesn’t really hold up.  I mean, bleh, the first time it was ok but now that I see it again and can analyze it a bit it is just all cheap jokes crowbarred in there.

Show a vampire a bad reboot and he or she will hiss and run away.  Vampires are known for their good taste.

Which bad movie reboot makes you want to hiss and run away?

Discuss in the comments, bleh.

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#31WaysToDefeat a Vampire – Way #6 -Sharks

By: Count Krakovich, Asshat Vampire

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Bleh!

We vampires like to pretend that we’re indestructible but no one can defeat a shark.

Sharks can easily chomp through a vampire.

Humans and/or vampires alike should avoid sharks.

That’s about it. I’m really phoning it in today…because I’m an asshat. Don’t judge me.

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#31WaysToDefeataVampire – Kindness

By: Count Krakovich, Asshat Vampire

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Hug a vampire.

Bleh!

“Kill ’em with kindness” goes the old saying and it is applicable to vampires.

Seriously. Humans see us and they’re all like, “Eek! A vampire!”

Its ridiculous because we don’t always want to eat you.  Sometimes we’re full and we don’t want to eat you at all.

Sometimes we just want to hang out with you and shoot the breeze and talk about cars and movies and make paper airplanes and trade taco salad recipes.

Ever think of that?

No. Its always “Waah but I don’t want to be permanently damned.”  You people are so needy.

Next time you want to confuse a vampire, give him a hug.  He’ll be so surprised he’ll just walk away.

Or he may very well bite you.

You know what, now that I think of it, there’s like a 90 percent chance he’ll bite you and a ten percent he’ll just be confused and walk away so I get it. You probably don’t want to take those odds.

Have you hugged a vampire and lived to tell the tale?

Discuss in the comments.

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How the West Was Zombed – Parts 1-5

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Hey 3.5 Readers,

My stats indicate some of you checked out the latest chapters and went digging for earlier chapters.

My blog rolls so fast that things often get buried.  So here are Parts 1-5:
PART 1 – The Stand

Marshal Rainier Slade, a genuine stoic who’d prefer to shoot a fella as soon as look at him, is the only man in Highwater willing to face the dastardly Buchanan Boys. Reluctantly, he’s joined by his elderly deputy Gunther and the fast talking snake oil salesman Doctor Elias T. Faraday, who thinks the move would be good publicity.

When a misunderstanding occurs between Slade and Standing Eagle, Chief of a nearby Native American tribe, the Chief translates as his shaman, Wandering Snake, delivers an ominous curse.

Part 2 – Werewolves and Women

Miss Bonnie, owner, proprietor, and prostitute-in-charge of the Bonnie Lass, is the only woman, nay, the only person alive that Slade is willing to come out of his shell for. The rest of the time, he puts on a raspy voice, angry faced persona to the world, figuring that’s the only way for a lawman to survive.

The Marshal fumbles a proposal but still makes it clear that he’d like a relationship with Miss Bonnie. She declines, only to rethink that decision when Slade defends her honor.

Slade finds a new love interest in Sarah Farquhar, a widow who has just moved to town after purchasing a large stretch of farmland. The Widow Farquhar doesn’t hesitate in pursuing Slade as Miss Bonnie did, but she’s not perfect. Slade continues to yearn for Miss Bonnie and has concerns about the Widow’s bible thumping ways, her decree that all sexual activity occur through a hole in a bed sheet in particular.

The Marshal throws caution to the wind and successfully proposes to the Widow Farquhar, only to learn Miss Bonnie has the hots for him too late.

Meanwhile, former slave turned werewolf Joseph Freeman and his teenage son, Miles, also a werewolf, arrive in town. Joseph is looking for work and takes a job assisting Slade and Gunther watch the Buchanan Boys until Judge Sampson arrives to conduct their trial.

All the while, strange reports of monsters are afoot.

Part 3 – The Trial

Judge Sampson, a by the book jurist who’d hang his own mother for stealing a piece of candy, is about to sentence the Buchanan Boys to their doom at the end of a rope when a newcomer arrives in his courtroom.

“Simple country lawyer” Henry Alan Blythe displays a supernatural ability to get people to submit to his will. He convinces the Judge to let the Buchanan Boys off the hook.

Enraged at the injustice, Slade turns in his star. Gunther does so as well out of loyalty, though less forcefully as concerns about ripping his vest get in the way.

Part 4 – History Repeats Itself

Joe Freeman’s past haunts him again and again and his longstanding feud with Blythe is about to come to a head.

Blythe, a villainous vampire/counsel for the Legion Corporation’s board of vampire directors, has dreamed up a scheme to conquer the United States with a zombie army that responds to his will.

But the board’s bureaucratic maneuvering threatens to throw his plan off the rails. His bosses want him to toy with Slade and Freeman, rather than kill them outright.

 Part 5 – Wedding Crashers

Though his heart belongs to fiery redhead Miss Bonnie, Slade just can’t bring himself to say no to his fiance, Sarah “the Widow” Farquhar. Slade and Sarah head to Highwater to plan a wedding for the evening. Actually, Sarah does most of the planning. Slade acts like a depressed hostage.

Meanwhile, a heavily armed and armored train arrives in town. Despite an argument filled with chest puffery, Slade is unable to get any information out of villainous lawyer Blythe.

Smelly Jack crashes Slade and Sarah’s wedding in a big way, though as it turns out, in a much bigger way than expected…

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Top Ten Warning Signs Your Girlfriend Might Be a Vampire

Vampir.  Children of the night.  Demonic bloodsuckers.

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Call them what you will but if your girlfriend is one of them, she might just call you lunch…and not in a good way.

From BQB HQ in fabulous East Randomtown, here are the Top Ten Warning Signs that Your Girlfriend Might Be a Vampire.

10.  She’s the only girl you’ve ever dated who doesn’t spend a lot of time primping in front of the mirror.

9.  Awkwardly works the word “bleah” into regular conversation.

8.  Hypnotizes you through glamour techniques to get you to do her bidding.  (This could be inconclusive as most women do this anyway.)

7.  She totally sucks.  Insert joke here.

6.  You often wake up feeling woozy with two small holes in your neck.  Calling her on it will do nothing as she’ll just shrug her shoulders, channel Shaggy and say “wasn’t me.”

5.  Always has an excuse to get out of dates planned during the day.  Long walks in the park or on the beach are out.  Dive bars and rave clubs are in.

4.  Seems a little too old mentally for her physical age.  Swears she’s only twenty-five but get her drunk and she’ll tell you all about the dark ages.

3.  Sometimes she seems a little cold.  No, not emotionally cold.  Whenever you hold her hand it’s like a damn popsicle.

2.  Sleeps in a coffin.  Swears its just because she’s a goth but you’re not convinced.

  1.  Ran away when you told her you have wood.  You explain later you weren’t talking about stakes.  (Also inclusive as most women would also run away upon hearing this statement.
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How the West Was Zombed – A Note on Chapter 34

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Hello.  I’m noted awesome person Bookshelf Q. Battler and for the 3.5 readers paying attention to How the West Was Zombed, here are a few notes:

  • First, you’ll probably say, “Oh boy, here are some new threads.”  Well, yes and no.  The mentions of “Ms. Canary and Mr. Utter,” Wild Bill Hickok, Wyatt Earp, “Associates Ringo and Brocious”  and so on…they’re basically hints at the future, should enough of you like this enough that I continue with a series.  Attorney Donnelly has advised me to keep quiet about the possibility of sequels tentatively titled “Calamity Jane vs. Zombies” and “Wyatt Earp vs. Zombies.”  They are partially written in my head and they are pretty awesome.  If only I could just hook my brain up to the computer and have it all dump out into a novel that way.  But basically, that’s why they’re mentioned, so hopefully How the West Was Zombed will be a success so that Calamity Jane and Wyatt can have their turn at the zombie mayhem.
  • I realize in an earlier chapter I had Blythe telling his werewolf henchmen to find Miles.  Disregard that part.  He now does that for the first time in this chapter.  You see, the problem I’ve faced is I didn’t want Blythe to be the typical dumb villain, toying with the heroes only to be hoisted on his own petard.  Instead, Blythe wants to kill Slade and Freeman immediately…
  • …but he has a bureaucratic board of vampires to answer to.  “I don’t really want to do this but my boss is making me…”  I feel like that’s a sentiment most people can get behind and start to understand why Blythe isn’t just whipping out a gat and blowing Slade’s head off while he’s taking a nap, which he very much wants to do.
  • This will probably be the one and only time you’ll see Lady Blackwood in this novel.  If this book leads to a steady source of cash money bling, Lady Blackwood will most likely be Calamity Jane’s nemesis in the sequel so…give me some notes as to what you think about the lady.

As always, thanks for reading.  I know.  This all still kinda stinks but I’m working on it.  I’m trying.  I’m continuing to press forward and have yet to give up, which I have a tendency to do but am pushing myself not to this time.

Let me know what you think, both good and bad.

Thanks,

BQB

 

 

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How to Defeat a Vampire – Anti-Glamour Tactics

By:  Count Krakovich, Asshat Vampireshutterstock_115841497 copy

Bleh!  Look into my eyes, 3.5 readers!

You are getting sleepy.  Very sleepy.  You want to do my bidding.  You want to be my obedient slave.

You want to give me your Netflix password.

Seriously, give me your Netflix password.  Vampires like House of Cards too.

Bleh!  Why are you laughing?  No wonder the Vampire League ousted me.  I can’t even glamour the 3.5 devotees of a substandard book blog.

But rest assured, other vampires are better at the ancient art of vampire hypnosis, better known as “glamouring” and if you’re not careful, you will become a vampire’s puppet.

Here are some tips to avoid being glamoured.

#1 – BE UGLY 

Look, let’s face it.  If you’re a vampire with glamouring powers, you’re going to go after the hotties.  I know.  It’s politically incorrect.  The bloodsucking damned should go after the less attractive as well but vampires aren’t called evil for nothing.

If you’re hot, chances are, a vampire is going to try to glamour you.

Meanwhile, the uglier you are, the statistical probability of succumbing to a vampire’s will declines dramatically.

So if you look like Gollum from Lord of the Rings, rejoice!  Your chances of becoming a vampire slave are about .0001 %.

“But Count Krakovich,” you say.  “I’m not ugly.  I’m relatively adorable.  How can I deflect a vampire’s hypnotic eyes?”

#2 – WEAR SHADES

Aviators.  Ray-Bans.  They don’t even have to be shades.  X-Ray specs will also do.

But what if a vampire catches you when you don’t have your sunglasses?

#3 – BE FUNNY

Glamouring takes intense mental concentration.  So if you feel yourself being glamoured, tell a joke immediately.  If you don’t know a joke, make a fart noise.  Forget rules of etiquette and decorum.  A vampire is trying to make you his bitch!  Fart away!

#4 – WATCH WHERE YOU GO

Like any debauched individual, vampires love to cruise the club scene.  If you’re hanging out at places where depravity goes down, i.e. establishments with names like The Flesh Factory or The Butt Barn or Bill Cosby’s Trailer, then the odds of running into a glamour happy vampire are high.

Also, drunkenness makes it that much easier for a vampire to work his twisted mojo on you.  Switch to O’Doul’s.  You’ll be a dud at the party, but you won’t be a vamp snack either.

#5 – TURN YOUR BACK

If you’re hot, and not funny, and refuse to make fart noises, and can’t keep yourself out of dirty clubs, then the only recourse you have left is to walk backwards for the rest of your life and never face anyone ever again.  Put a set of Groucho glasses on the back of your head and attempt to convince everyone your back is your front.  It will be a difficult life for sure, but you never know who might be a vampire, so you’ll have to treat everyone as a potential bloodsucker (which, let’s face it, in today’s day and age, is just sound advice anyway.)

Thank you, 3.5 readers.  Take the knowledge I’ve given you and go forth!  Defeat those lousy vampires who dared to disparage the good name of Count Krakovich, Asshat Vampire!

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How to Defeat a Vampire – Religion

By: Count Krakovich, Asshat Vampireshutterstock_115775161 copy

Bleh!  Greetings 3.5 children of the night!

I’m back again to extract my revenge on the League of Vampires for forcing me out of their organization just because I made like thirty disastrous mistakes.

Vampires?  Bunch of Douche-pires if you ask me.

So to get back at those losers I’m educating you, the 3.5 readers, on how to defeat vampires.

Today’s lesson?  Religion.

Now, you’re all aware that a crucifix can stop a vampire in its tracks.  A cross held to our skin long enough will burn us, but we usually just hiss loudly and run in the opposite direction whenever we see one, not giving the cross holder the chance to harm us in the first place.

That’s because we vampires are considered abominations in the eyes of God.  Bodies are meant for the living and for the dead to be using one really pisses the Man Upstairs off.

Vampires.  Zombies.  Used car salesmen.  All despised by the Creator.

“But Count Krakovich,” you say.  “I don’t usually wear a crucifix.  I’m not a priest or a stereotypical Italian bookie in a track suit.  Can I still use religion to defeat a vampire?”

Answer:  yes.

First of all, if you’re not a Christian, any other religious symbol will do.  That’s something we vampires like to keep on the down low.

So if you’re a member of the tribe, whip out your Star of David and a vampire will hiss louder than a defective muffler.

Muslim?  Show that vampire a crescent moon.

Scientologist?  Show that bloodsucker the picture of Tom Cruise you keep in your wallet.  Don’t lie.  You know you have one.

Jehovah’s Witness?  Smack that vampire in the face with a rolled up copy of The Watchtower.  Finally, you can do something useful with that magazine other than shoving it into the exhausted hand of that poor bastard you woke up at six a.m. and now he’s standing at his front door in his bathrobe, nodding politely, waiting for your sermon to end so he can deposit your offering into his circular file.

Atheist?  Hmm.  Tricky one.  But belief is belief and as long as your belief in nothing is strong, you should be able to deflect a vampire attack simply by saying, “Have a Nice Day.”

If you believe in nice days, that is.

“But Count Krakovich, I have none of these things!”

That’s ok.  Any of the following will do:

  • Any photo of a Holy Man, from the Pope to Al Sharpton.
  • A bible.  You heathen.  You know have ONE in your house.  Your Grandmother gave you one for your birthday when you were a kid and has been asking you for years if you’ve read it yet and you keep coming up with reasons why you haven’t.  Stop hiding weed in it and read the damn thing.  You’ll learn some choice phrases to use to ward off evil, especially vampires.  Crap if you don’t have one, swipe the free one from the hotel left by the Gideons.
  • Wait.  I’m told stealing a bible cancels its power out.  Don’t steal one.  You will actually have to invest a few bucks to buy one.  It will be worth it when it keeps you from becoming a vampire sorbet.
  • Voo doo is a type of religion, though typically looked at as a form of dark magic.  Treat yourself to a delicious bucket of KFC then save the bones to throw at a vampire in a pinch.  FYI – you will have to become a fully fledged voo doo priest first.
  • Showing the following DVDs to a vampire will cause it to die, not due to the effects of religion, but just from sheer boredom:  Sister Act, Sister Act 2, or Fireproof, that pile of crap put out by Kirk Cameron long after Growing Pains ended and he became a male church lady.
  • The Ten Commandments, either the new one with Christian Bale, or the classic one with Charlton Heston, will hold a vampire back long enough for you to make a run for it.  Absent a copy of either film, you can still channel your best 1930’s gangster impression and shout, “Where’s your messiah now?” a la Edward G. Robinson in the original.  Doing so has no specific power over the vampire per se, but it will make him laugh long enough for you to skeedaddle.
  • Singing the following songs will render a vampire’s powers useless: Amazing Grace, Onward Christian Soliders, and Jesus Walks by Kanye West.  In fact, just hold up your copy of the Yeezus album.  Few are aware that Kanye is the second coming, which is odd, because he informs everyone every chance he gets.

Take my advice and you can’t go wrong against those jerk face vampires, 3.5.  So gather as many religious accouterments as you can get your hands on and take out those vamps for me, your new pal, Count Krakovich, Asshat Vampire.

Attorney Donnelly reminds readers to please not steal those hotel bibles.  The last thing BQB needs is a lawsuit from the Gideons shoved up his butt.

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Count Krakovich, Asshat Vampire

By: Count Krakovich, Special Vampire Correspondent

Count Krakovich, A-Hole Vampire

Count Krakovich, Asshat Vampire

Bleh!  Bleh!  Excuse me!  I have a bad taste in my mouth.  Must be that Diet Shasta Blood.

Good evening, 3.5 children of the night!

I am Count Krakovich and I am…a VAMPIRE!

Why, you might ask, would I reveal myself on a pitiful blog that only caters to 3.5 readers?

Well, recently, I was kicked out of the League of Vampires.  Something about leaving the back door of the castle open so the villagers could come in and burn my brethren alive.

Vampires are such crybabies.

Actually, that wasn’t my first foul up.  The High Vampire said it was the proverbial “straw that broke the camel’s back.”

My other alleged screw-ups (which I do not confirm or deny) include:

  • Hiring a cleaning crew to take down the drapes and wash them…at noon on the sunniest day of the year.  What?  You find a crew that’s willing to drive out to a spooky castle at night and then you can give me that look.
  • I may, and I stress, MAY have lost a bus load of sacrificial virgins.  I replaced them with a bus full of sorority sisters on spring break hoping the High Vampire would not notice, but notice he did.  In my defense, you try to find a virgin these days.
  • Say one prayer in the vicinity of a bucket of water, the Second-in-Command vampire uses it for a bath and gets burned to a crisp.  Who knew that’s all it takes to create holy water?  It’s not like I was praying for anything extraordinary.  I was just asking God to let my favorite sports team win because I know he takes an interest in these things.
  • The vampires put me in charge of vampire pizza night.  I come back with what I assume is a meat lover’s pizza only to discover too late that it’s the garlic lover’s special.  Yes, I suppose I should have checked first before I left the pizza parlor but how am I to blame for Transylvania House of Pizza’s gross incompetence?
  • I was charged with redecorating the Vampire Castle.  I smashed all the old furniture, put all the sticks into a big dumpster and hired a crew of local villagers to haul it away.  Low and behold, they used the sticks as stakes and took out half the Vampire League.  OK.  Should I have seen that coming?  Yes.  But hindsight is 20/20.  Now I know not to hand villagers a pile of stakes.  I won’t do that next time.  You live and you learn.  You think the High Vampire sees it that way?  Ha.  That guy has a stick up his ass.  That’s not a joke.  A villager put it there and now the High Vampire refuses to forgive me.

So anyway, twenty or thirty pooch screws later and here I am, no longer affiliated with any reputable vampire organization.  No one will have me and I blame the League.  What pathetic loser faces they are, that they’d force me out after all I did for them.

Fear not, 3.5, for I, Count Krakovich, Asshat Vampire, will get my revenge by using this blog  for the next week to inform the world how to kill vampires.

Feel free to use my lessons on those a-holes in the Vampire League, especially that douchebag High Vampire.

Just don’t use these ideas on me, because hey, we’re cool, right?

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