Monthly Archives: March 2015

Mar 28 2015
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The Yeti

#ReplaceSongLyricWithYeti

Hello 3.5 readers.

Any assistance you could provide in getting this trending would be appreciated:

 

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Mar 28 2015
1 Comment
TV

BQB and The Yeti: Buddy Cops

ANNOUNCER: This Fall, there’s a new duo of law men in town:

BQB:  Yeti!  Where did you put the evidence from the Coopatelli Murder investigation?

YETI:  Um, you mean I wasn’t supposed to eat it?

BQB: (Arms folded in a stern manner)  Yeti!

(Cue canned laughtrack)

ANNOUNCER:  You’ve heard of good cop, bad cop?  Try bad cop, hairy cop!

BQB:  Start squealing, stool pigeon, or we’ll run ya’ in downtown, see?

SUSPECT:  I’ll talk!  I’ll talk!  :::Sneezes uncontrollably:::  Just get that big white dog man away from me!  He’s shedding like crazy and I feel like every breathe I take I’m consuming 5 pounds of hair!

YETI:  10 pounds, but who’s counting, comrade?

ANNOUNCER:  They threw out the rule book a long time ago.  These two play by their own set of rules.

CAPTAIN:  (pounds fist on desk) – Damn it, BQB and the Yeti!  Ever since that stunt you two idiots pulled, the Mayor’s been so far up my ass I had to cancel my colonoscopy!  What do you morons have to say for yourselves?

BQB:  I hate Yetis?

YETI:  This bores me.  I must watch more Olga.

ANNOUNCER:  They always get their man…

BQB:  Any last words, punk?

SUSPECT:  It was just a lousy tag on a mattress!  It was itchy!  I’ll sew it back on if it’s such a big deal!

BQB:  Sew this, creep!

(Yeti roundhouse kicks the bad guy upside the cranium).

ANNOUNCER:  And they always get their women…

KATEE SACKHOFF:  Hi.  I’m perennial nerd fantasy Katee Sackhoff and I’m pretending to have the hots for BQB because the network paid me.

SHE-YETI:  And I’m a random extra the network covered with a bunch of sewn together mops and paid me five bucks for the day to pretend to be a she-yeti.

BQB:  That’s some impressive acting, ladies!

YETI:  Neither of you are worthy of licking Olga’s boots!

ANNOUNCER:  Action!  Drama!  Explosions!  Car chases!  Romance!  And a big ass hairy snow beast that just won’t go away!  Coming to your TV this Fall…BQB AND THE YETI: BUDDY COPS!

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Mar 27 2015
1 Comment
Not About Books

I feel I must advise you…

…that few things in this world are funnier than a tap dancing chimpanzee.

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Mar 27 2015
1 Comment
Quotes

RE: The Plane Crash in France

In today’s hypersensitive world, it is necessary to be clear and spell out exactly what you mean.

So, let me be clear I’m not condoning anyone killing themselves.

My question is – these people who kill themselves and take out others in the process in horrifying ways that make the news….if they feel the need to kill themselves, why can’t they just kill themselves and leave  everyone else alone?

I’m not saying anyone should kill themselves.  It would be better if troubled people just get help and learn how to fight their demons.

But I just don’t get it and sadly, stuff like this just happens more and more lately.

To quote Morgan Freeman’s Detective Somerset’s quotation of Ernest Hemingway from the movie Seven:

‘The world is a fine place and worth fighting for.’  I agree with the second part.

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Mar 26 2015
16 Comments
Writing

The State of Bookshelf Q. Battler’s Novel Writing Adventures

Dismal.

Or, maybe not.

As the 3.5 are aware, I’ve whined about this subject a bit.

My problem?  I keep coming up with ideas that are so grand, so sweeping, so involved – so many places, characters, moving parts, things going on.

As a newbie, a book like that feels like biting off more than I can chew.

I’ve tried other ideas.  Ideas that seemed easier, simpler, more down-to-earth.

Inevitably, I end up turning those seemingly simple ideas into epics as well.

So here’s my thought – why fight it?

I’m thinking maybe I’ll embrace my favorite of my many started and stopped novels and work on it in chunks.

In other words, rather than try to push out a thousand page novel (given all that’s going on, I fail to see how it could take less than a thousand pages) – and just write the first part and try to get it published.

Or just bypass traditional publishing and go the self-publishing route.

If people like the first part, I keep telling the story with a second, third, fourth etc installment.  I don’t know how many pages but given what’s in my mind, it will be a lot if the installments keep coming.

Kind of a grandiose idea.  In total, it’d take years.  But obviously there’s have to be some interest in the first or second installments to keep going.  If there is interest, I’m sure that’d light a fire under my butt to work harder.

Ultimately, I’m proposing a sweeping epic tale told in several installments/books and when all the books are finished they all link up in one overriding story arc.

Don’t mind me, I’m just thinking out loud.

What say you, 3.5?

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Mar 26 2015
4 Comments
Movies

Donate Meow

Had I been able to afford the $600 required to get Broken Lizard to tape a 45 second video written by me (now sold out):

The Super Troopers in the station, reading books.

FARVA:  What’re all you chickenf$%kers doing?

THORNY:  We’re reading books.

RABBIT:  Yeah, they were recommended by Bookshelf Q. Battler

FARVA:  What?  That a-hole only has 3.5 readers what does he know?

MAC:  You don’t even know how to read, Farva.

FARVA:  Do too!  (grabs a book)  – “It was…uh…the best…of times?  It was the…ahh f$%k it I’m going to Dimpus Burger.”

I don’t know.  Something like that.  Short and sweet.  Not much you can do in 45 seconds.  Alas, I couldn’t justify dropping 600 bucks, as awesome as it would have been.

Anyway, the original  Super Troopers movie was great and I’m glad to see the Broken Lizard boys are back at it.  They started a campaign on Indiegogo to raise $2 million to create a sequel and met the goal on their first day.  Now the more they collect, the better the movie will be.

Super Troopers 2 Indiegogo Site

I’m amazed technology has reached the point where people can do this.

I talk about self-publishing on this blog a lot.  Indie Movie Makers are basically the self-publishers of Hollywood, right?

In conclusion, I want a liter of cola.  Shenanigans.

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Mar 26 2015
1 Comment
The Siberian Yeti

Uninspired

I hate Yetis.  Oh yes I do.  I hate Yetis.  Oh yes, it’s true.  I hate Yetis.  Oh yes I do.  If you were a Yeti hostage, you’d hate stupid Yetis too.

Thank you.  I hate Yetis.

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Mar 25 2015
2 Comments
Uncategorized

Ask the Alien – 3/22/15 – Pixels

Alien Jones – taking your questions and promoting your books, blogs, self published indie writing, etc. Ask the Esteemed Brainy One a Question, he might promote your work in his answer. BQB’s 3.5 readers will be yours!

Submit questions by midnight Fri to be featured in his Sunday column.

bookshelfbattle's avatarBookshelf Battle

Greetings Earth Losers.  Alien Jones here to answer your questions and The Esteemed Brainy One
pump your planet full of extraterrestrial intelligence.

Why?  No offense, but your planet is dumb.  Very dumb.  There are no words to express its level of dumbositude.  So very, very, very dumb.

This week I answer a question from none other than Blogger-in-Chief, Bookshelf Q. Battler, who continues to be a Yeti hostage:

Alien Jones!  BQB here.

Pixels – WTF?

WTF indeed, BQB.  WTF indeed.

Feast your vision receptacles on this trailer, insignificant humans:

Pixels Trailer – Sony Pictures Entertainment

Coming to a theater near you this summer…assuming the North Koreans are cool with it.

To elaborate on BQB’s “WTF” I will ask and answer questions I assume are on the minds of this blog’s 3.5 readers:

Q.  In Pixels, 1980’s era humans place a time capsule on the Moon which contains, among other examples of Earth culture, 1980’s video games…

View original post 560 more words

Mar 25 2015
2 Comments
One Post a Day Challenge

Additional Situations that Will Not Stop the One Post a Day Challenge

Bears.  Ninjas.  Aliens.  Asteroids.  Highlanders.  All have tried to get between me and my computer in a vain effort to stop me from bringing you a daily dose of Bookshelf Battle wit and wisdom. All have failed. Alas, evildoers don’t want your blog feeds to be filled with this much awesome.  So here are a few more hypotheticals as to what dangers may unfold against my blog challenge, and how I will circumvent them so as to continue to bring you ongoing, uninterrupted book bloggery.

QUESTION:  Apes.

ANSWER:  What?

QUESTION:  You are transported to the legendary Planet of the Apes.  As a human, they afford you no rights and keep you as a slave.  They will not allow you a computer to post on your blog.

ANSWER:  I would lead a human slave revolution, overpower my simian captors, steal their computers, and blog about my victory.

QUESTION:  You are placed onto a large, oversized slingshot.

ANSWER:  A fear that constantly keeps me up at night.  Go on.

QUESTION:  You are loaded onto the slingshot at midnight, the enormous rubber band holding you is snapped, and scientific and mathematical analysis indicates that it takes 24 hours for a person snapped with an enormous slingshot to circumvent the circumference of the globe.  You will spend an entire day in the air without any electronic devices.

ANSWER:  Simple.  I guide my carcass to the nearest flock of birds and explain to them that I need them to fly to the earth, abscond with a cell phone, and fly it back up to me.  I use the phone to post, then have the birds return it to its rightful owner.

QUESTION:  You’re on Dexter’s table.

ANSWER:  Ridiculous!  Only bad people end up on Dexter’s table!  I am a delight!

QUESTION:  He believes your blog is making people dumber.  He has you wrapped up tight with saran wrap and is ticking off a list of reasons of how your posts make people stupid.  His sharp knife is at the ready.

ANSWER:  I offer to work his lumberjack job for him for a month if he lets me go.  If that fails, I flex my muscles, break out of the saran wrap, and overpower the Bay Harbor Butcher.  I then use his phone to post on my site.

QUESTION:  Jabba the Hutt has frozen you in carbonite.

ANSWER:  Preposterous.  Hutts only freeze people who owe them money.

QUESTION:  He took your Super Bowl action.  A thousand space bucks on the Seahawks?  Idiot.

ANSWER:  Princess Leia will rescue me.

QUESTION:  She doesn’t give a crap.

ANSWER:  Luke.

QUESTION:  Also doesn’t give a crap.

ANSWER: And I can’t reason with Jabba?

QUESTION:  Nope.  Admit it.  You’re stumped.

ANSWER:  I admit nothing.  Clearly you have forgotten my signature move – the muscle flex.  Everyone forgets the muscle flex.  Ropes, chains, saran wrap, carbonite – I let the bad guys think they’ve beaten me and then…BAM!  MUSCLE FLEX!  And I have busted out of captivity.  And then I steal Jabba’s phone and post.  I post that I have defeated Mighty Jabba.

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Mar 25 2015
2 Comments
TV

Top Ten Jokes About X-Files Return to Televison

10.  Cigarette Smoking Man Replaced With Vapor Huffing Man

9.   Scully and Mulder now solve every mystery through Google.

8.  Aliens check out latest Earth news headlines.  Decide they aren’t interested.  Scully and Mulder retire.

7.  Agent Doggett fills in for a season so Duchovny can star in Evolution 2.

6.  The Lone Gunmen provide assistance faster now with Wi-Fi than they ever did with Dial-Up

lone-gunmen_x-files_frohike_thriller_dramatic_television_series_desktop_2492x3250_hd-wallpaper-220773

5.  ADA Skinner is too busy with the Sons of Anarchy

4.  Nerds demand Mulder and Scully arrest Jar Jar Binks on whatever trumped up charges they can come up with.

3.  Today’s average street gangs have more firepower than the aliens, thus rendering efforts to protect the Earth from aliens obsolete.

2.  X-Files/Californication Crossover.  The aliens never wear pants anyway.

1.  The Truth is Out There…Huh?  I said, “The Truth is Out There!”  What?  “THE TRUTH IS OUT THERE, MULDER!  TURN UP YOUR HEARING AID!

Seriously, this is good news. I can’t wait.  I remember watching the original series and the first movie and it honestly feels like it was yesterday.  Maybe Scully and Mulder can solve the mystery of why time flies by so fast.

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