Because I am feeling uninspired today…
1) waffles
2) cereal
3) pancakes
4) donuts
5) French toast
6) toast
7) eggs
8) bacon
9) sausage
10) home fries
In conclusion, I hate Yetis.
Greetings Earth Losers. Alien Jones here to answer your questions and 
pump your planet full of extraterrestrial intelligence.
Why? No offense, but your planet is dumb. Very dumb. There are no words to express its level of dumbositude. So very, very, very dumb.
This week I answer a question from none other than Blogger-in-Chief, Bookshelf Q. Battler, who continues to be a Yeti hostage:
Alien Jones! BQB here.
Pixels – WTF?
WTF indeed, BQB. WTF indeed.
Feast your vision receptacles on this trailer, insignificant humans:
Pixels Trailer – Sony Pictures Entertainment
Coming to a theater near you this summer…assuming the North Koreans are cool with it.
To elaborate on BQB’s “WTF” I will ask and answer questions I assume are on the minds of this blog’s 3.5 readers:
Q. In Pixels, 1980’s era humans place a time capsule on the Moon which contains, among other examples of Earth culture, 1980’s video games. The aliens misunderstand and take the time capsule as a threat of war and respond by creating massive video game characters, which they use to attack Earth. The trailer shows Pac-Man, Donkey Kong, and Space Invaders attacking Earth.
Is it possible for such a misunderstanding to lead to an intergalactic war?
A. Such misunderstandings happen all the time. The Moloklaxons have been on a thousand year campaign, sweeping through the galaxy, taking one planet after another, all because an ambassador from the Intergalactic Diplomacy Organization broke wind in their ruler’s presence. It wasn’t meant as an insult. The ambassador had some bad tacos the night before and couldn’t help it.
Q. But seriously, aliens think video games are real and respond with giant video game characters?
A. Most species laugh at your video games because ours are so much better. Few species would respond with war, though the Moloklaxons are willing to fight over anything.
Q. What’s the point of this movie? Is it serious? Is it a comedy? What the hell is going on?
A. There are some serious looking Independence Day-esque scenes of monuments being attacked by video game inspired space ships. On that note, it looks serious. On the other hand, it stars Adam Sandler and it is about attacking video game characters, so it must be a comedy.
Q. Is it going to be good?
A. It will either be great or it will suck with the force of a thousand Dysons. There will be no in between. It will either be considered a unique and fun premise or will be Sandler and co’s attempt to run around with video game characters of their youth that sadly today’s kids don’t care much about. Pac Man was fabulous for its time but today’s youngsters want Call of Duty.
I fear young people will be like “Who’s Pac Man?” and old people will be like, “I’m so old because I used to play Pac Man!”
I will withhold judgment until I see it and will hope that it is excellent.
Q. Is there a ray of hope?
A. It stars Peter Dinklage in a role where he is not Tyrion Lannister. He is always great as Tyrion but this will give him a chance to branch out.
Thank you for your time, 3.5 readers. Kim Magennis, loyal Bookshelf Battle fan and proprietor of the Whimsy Blog submitted some questions. I have been a bit swamped this week, what with my ongoing diplomatic efforts to convince various worlds to stop trying to annihilate one another. I will definitely get to those next week.
Alien Jones is the Intergalactic Correspondent for the Bookshelf Battle. Do you have a question for the Esteemed Brainy One? Submit it to Bookshelf Q. Battler via a tweet to @bookshelfbattle, leave it in the comment section on this site, or drop it off on the Bookshelf Battle Google + page. If AJ likes your question, he might promote your book, blog, or other project while providing his answer.
Submit your questions by midnight Friday each week for a chance to be featured in his Sunday column. And if you don’t like his response, just let him know and he’ll file it into the recycling bin of his monolithic super computer. No muss, no fuss, no problem.
Tales of ogres, dragons, and elves,
You’ll never know what you’ll find
On my bookshelves.
Something something something schmattle…
Welcome to the Bookshelf Battle.
My feelings of anger
Are not petty.
Let me tell you
How I Despise the Yeti
Hey 3.5. Happy World Poetry Day!
Here’s three of my poetry discussions:
Do Not Go Gentle Into That Good Night
Have a favorite poem you’d like me (or the Stupid Yeti) to discuss on bookshelfbattle.com? Drop it in the comments.
What is the best video game ever?
I’m asking my 3.5 readers to put their choice in the comments and if they want to, explain why.
The Yeti votes for Tapper. He loves Tapper. So much Tapper.
“Pour the beverage on the right…slide it down to the left…the perfect game to help children develop obsessive compulsive disorder and alcoholism!”
– Tapper, 1983, Game by Bally Midway
Hmmm…well, I suppose for the record, we must note that Tapper apparently did not work in a bar but rather, a soda fountain, where he poured sodas (in case you missed the big “soda” sign.) So, no alcoholism. Just raging caffeine addictions and sugar buzzes.
We both like waffles. If only all the nations of the world could come together in a united love of waffles, peace, prosperity, tolerance, and a heightened sense of understanding would spread across the globe.
Except for those pancake loving SOBs. Patooie, I say.
“There is no greater agony than bearing an untold story inside you.”
– Maya Angelou
There’s truth to that, isn’t there? Sometimes life would be easier if I didn’t feel this need to write…
The Yeti is an idiot and a smelly beast. Continue to read this blog, 3.5 readers.
Sincerely,
Bookshelf Q. Battler
Hello 3.5 readers. Please stop reading this blog.
Sincerely,
The Siberian Yeti
Bookshelf Battle 