And now, from Bookshelf Q. Battler Headquarters in Fabulous East Randomtown, the Astounding Nerdstradamus shares his confounding prognostications of the future of nerd kind…
Step forward, nerds, and do not be afraid for I, the Astounding Nerdstradamus do now make my predictions known:
- The Election of 2016 shall be decided not at the ballot box but in a jello wrestling pit. Donald Trump and Hillary Clinton shall forego the usual democratic process and opt instead to get naked, oil up, and wrassle one another in a giant tub of orange gelatin. The match will be epic and though there will be many disgusting sights and angles that viewers will never be able to remove from their memories, the event itself will draw the highest viewership in the history of television.
- Nicki Minaj will be named Poet Laureate of the United States. In her acceptance speech, she will recite her most recent lines from the smash hit Dance (A$$) in which women with luxurious asses are, in fact, urged to dance. Not only will the crowd be shocked, but literary scholars will, for centuries thereafter, debate whether or not Ms. Minaj’s request to be “pointed to the best ass eater” was figurative or literal. (The general consensus will drift toward the latter.)
- All movie plots will be decided by Twitter users. A director will just tweet, “What will I make next?” And then a year later he’ll come out with a movie about a bicurious dwarf in leather pants who rides a unicorn and plays the ukulele while karate chopping dragons made out of candy in an alternate dimension where Kanye West rules supreme. Further, all movies will be named, “Movie McMovieface.”
- All potential crime victims will, by law, be allowed to shout “safe space!” and then it shall be deemed illegal for all ill intentioned persons to come within a ten foot radius around the person. Many a harrowing legal battle will ensue in which prosecutors and defense attorneys debate whether or not a victim actually yelled “safe space.”
- The presidency will remain vacant after 2024 as by then there will literally be no one without a single embarrassing photo preserved online to be utilized by the opposition.
- Google and Amazon will both declare themselves masters of the universe. The ensuing civil war will last for countless millennia.
- The world will watch in awe when a man lands on Mars. The brave astronaut will immediately broadcast back the inspiring words, “It kinda sucks here. Not really sure it was worth all the effort. Oh well. You live and you learn, am I right?”
- Due to ever rising tuition costs, high school graduates will opt to sit around in the basement of the kid with the least uptight parents and play drinking games for three years. They will then enter a community college program in which they learn all the basic shit they need to know in one year.
- Under the “Blow Less Smoke Up the Kids’ Asses Initiative of 2030” teachers will be required to stop inspiring kids to reach for the stars seeing as how jobs will be in incredibly short supply by then. “Good Job” will be replaced with “This A+ Will Get You Nowhere So You Might As Well Have Goofed Off Last Night” and “Try Harder Next Time” will become “As We Speak Companies Are Making Robots That Can Literally Do Anything You Can Do Only Faster, Better, and Cheaper, so Spark a Spliff and Stop Giving a Shit Already.”
- By 2100, every movie and television show will have been rebooted three times. Entertainment industry analysts will lament the non-stop slew of “rebooted reboot reboots.” “Is there not a single original story out there that can be retold in triplicate?” a notorious critic will inquire.
- Bookshelf Q. Battler will freeze his brain so he can be brought back to life as a cyborg in a distant future, during which time his website will still only attract the attention of a mere 3.5 readers.