While scientists and theologians may differ on how the world was formed, there can be no doubt that the world is here. I mean, seriously, if the world isn’t here, then where are you reading this book? In the vast reaches of space? Apologies if you are an astronaut reading this but I doubt that you are. A highly intelligent space traveler would never be hoodwinked into plunking down good money on a book about farts, believe me.
But I digress. The world is here and people have been dwelling upon the planet for a long time. Will we ever know what it is like to be a caveman? Sure. Just walk into any frat house at a major university. I kid, I kid. Not really.
No. We can’t know exactly what it was like to be a caveman, but thanks to a highly scientific project at the Advanced Science Institute of Science University, we have developed a better understanding of what prehistoric cavemen thought about farts.
Dr. Hugo von Science, a longtime contributor to the Bookshelf Battle Blog, discovered a perfectly preserved caveman brain in a block of ice. After determining this brain to be, “really freaking old, like thousands upon thousands of years old,” the good doctor developed a device that allowed the user to learn everything the owner of this brain thought about farts.
Behold, the thoughts in their original caveman gibberish, translated into English:
CAVEMAN THOUGHT TRANSLATION
Ooga booga. He who smelt it, dealt it.
Ugga bugga. He who denied it, supplied it.
Wooga wagga. He who heard it first, purveyed the juicy turd burst.
Grakka flarga. He who sayed it, sprayed it.
Ribble robble. He who detected it, ejected it.
Skoogol kruz. He who announced it, pounced it.
Yes. As you can see, dear reader, the “smeller vs. denier game” or the delicate dance in which the first person to detect the presence of a fart engages in a war of words with the first person to deny being the source of the fart, has existed virtually since the dawn of time.
So the next time you feel bad for being caught in brown handed in the midst of an olfactory offense, just remember, your prehistoric ancestors, while they weren’t busy bashing each other with clubs and hunting mastodons, were accusing each other of stinking up the cave.
BQB here with a review of the totally twisted psychological thriller/horror flick, “The Belko Experiment.”
In Bogota, Columbia, 80 Americans work in a high rise tower owned by the international corporation, “Belko Industries.” High security cuts the building off from the outside as the employees conduct their business in South America.
One day, completely at random, a scary voice comes over the loudspeakers. The employees are told they are expected to kill a certain number of their fellow co-workers by a certain time. Should they fail, even more employees will be killed. Even worse, actions are taken to assure the employees that this demand is real and not a joke.
As you might expect, chaos reigns supreme as a group of once mild mannered office workers go batshit crazy. Factions are raised. Sides are taken. Lines are drawn and crossed.
Employee Mike Milch (John Gallagher Jr.) takes the noble position that murder is not acceptable under any circumstances, that everyone should just remain calm, refuse to kill anyone, and it will all pass. He and his followers focus on survival and escape.
Meanwhile, company boss Barry Norris (Tony Goldwyn) takes the utilitarian approach, i.e., it would be better to kill the number of people demanded rather than allow even more people to get killed. To that end, he creates his own murder squad with his sidekick, the uber creepy Wendell Dukes (John McGinley in his douchiest role yet and that’s saying a lot for a man who has made a career of playing douches.)
Overall, the movie is more than a bit sick and twisted. There’s gore aplenty and the body counts really rack up, with mass executions being put on full display in which employees are rounded up, herded like cattle and summarily murdered. It’s definitely one of the scarier, more gruesome horror flicks I’ve seen in a long time.
There’s definitely a disturbing theme throughout. I mean, how well do you think you know your co-workers? Sure, that guy who plugs along at work all day and gives you a warm smile when you pass him in the hallway seems nice enough, but do you really have any way of knowing that he wouldn’t hack you to pieces if it ever came down to you or him?
What is a life worth? Are older people worth less than the young? Are parents worth more than those without children? All these questions are asked and more as Norris attempts to come up with the most efficient formula for committing utilitarian murder.
Who is right? Is Milch right that there is never a circumstance where murder is justified? Is Norris right that it’s better to kill some in order to save many?
Just how much chaos needs to be introduced into a normally sane environment before everyone goes nuts, picks up whatever implements of destruction they can find and start chasing each other down?
Overall, the film is tight. It moves fast. There are many parts that are downright gross and disturbing to say the least. While we hope that a “Belko Experiment” is never conducted, I have a hunch that this film has, more or less, accurately predicted how a building full of office workers would react if somehow their usually comfortable work environment were to descend into a “Lord of the Flies on Acid” situation.
This one has been getting bad reviews and honestly, I can see why. When you’ve got Will Ferrell, Amy Poehler and Jason Mantzoukas of “Raffi” from “The League” fame, you’d expect better, but if you did, you were disappointed.
The premise is simple enough. Will and Amy are parents to Alex, who has just been accepted to the university of her dreams. Alas, when an expected scholarship falls through, Will and Amy realize they have done Jack Squat when it comes to saving so…yeah I know most people might take out a second mortgage, maybe ask the kid to get a part-time job and extend college out by an extra year or two to cover the cost but ok, they create an illegal, underground casino right in the middle of the neighborhood instead.
Their partner in crime is Frank (Mantzoukas), a degenerate gambler who has lost his wife due to the debt he has racked up. Together, the trio works to make their underground casino the tightest club in their little town, making boku bucks so Will and Amy can send Alex to college and Frank can save his home from foreclosure and get his wife back.
Along the way, the trio comes into contact with typical casino problems. Cheaters try to game the system. Mobsters pay a visit. Soccer moms engage in fist fights. The usual nonsense.
Nick Kroll play’s the film’s villain, a city councilman who has hatched a scheme to abscond with the trio’s dough.
There’s a lot of stupidity in this film, and not the good, fun kind. My first reaction to Will and Amy’s money woes is that they appear to have a pretty sweet, above average house, so they probably could get a loan to help their kid out. Also, it seems unlikely that a family who had it together enough to maintain a sweet house like that didn’t have any kind of savings but ok, comedies break the rules and require us to suspend disbelief.
My rule if a comedy is good? Did it make me laugh? Yes. I laughed one time, when Amy made an inappropriate gesture with a small hand torch. Other than that, it was a pretty predictable comedy with a lot of flat jokes.
All I can say is with three top notch comedians, I expected more.
STATUS: Borderline shelf-worthy. Don’t bother seeing it at the theater, but it’s worth a rental if you have nothing better to do.
Today, we celebrate our independence from the evil British, with today being the anniversary of the day on which George Washington swam across the Atlantic Ocean and karate chopped King George in the nads until he signed over all rights to America.
I’m pretty sure that’s how the story goes.
Do you doubt America’s awesomeness? Well then, you sir, must be a Communist…gasp, a British person. Probably skulking around, just biding your time until you can make your move to retake America for the Queen and make us all eat Shepard’s pie with incredibly bad teeth and make us say “quite” instead of “very” and “cheerio” instead of “goodbye.” There’s a redcoat hanging in your closet right now as we speak, isn’t there? ISN’T THERE?
I’m onto your evil schemes, British person.
Anyway, from BQB HQ in fabulous East Randomtown, it’s the Top Ten Reasons Why America is Super Awesome.
#10 – The Freedom of Speech
We have it written into our Constitution and if you’ve ever wondered why America is the entertainment capitol of the world, what with a thriving movie and music industry, this is why.
Though things have become a bit more tense lately since the 2016 election, as a general rule, most Americans embrace the fact that people shouldn’t be jailed for saying what’s on their mind.
Thus, every Saturday Night, we watch a little show called “Saturday Night Live” where the rich and famous, the powerful, and yes, even the President, is openly mocked. Not only is no one put in jail the next day, being mocked on Saturday Night Live is considered a sign that you’ve made it.
I can write this blog and say wacky things and not worry about getting jailed for it.
I’m what you’d call a “free speech purist.” That means you have the right to say anything at all, no matter how horrible, and not go to jail. That means you can walk through Times Square in New York City wearing a shirt that says “I Love Hitler” and should not end up in the hoosegow.
There are some people who misunderstand that. They’ll think, “what do you love Hitler? Is that why you defend someone doing that?” No. Not at all. I just think that allowing people the right to engage in foolish speech guarantees our right to engage in non-foolish speech.
The more power you give to the government to regulate speech, the more they’ll abuse it. Today “I love Hitler” is banned. Tomorrow, “I think the government is doing a bad job and here’s why” will be banned.
Free speech isn’t completely free. There are limits, but they’re self imposed by society, by the marketplace of ideas. The guy with the “I love Hitler” shirt won’t go to jail, but he probably is going to have a hard time finding a job or a date once his love of Hitler is known. It’s better for our society to self-regulate speech than to leave that power to the government.
#9 – Big Titties
I believe it was Patrick Henry who once said, “Give me the liberty to see big titties or give me death!”
I haven’t engaged in a worldwide titty study but America has a thriving fake titty industry. Freedom of speech=thriving entertainment industry=a lot of women get big ole fake titties in the hopes of becoming the next super star.
You can think this is a bad development if you wish but I wouldn’t want to live in a world without big titties. This is why the American Revolution started, you know. King George was confiscating all the titties.
#8 – It’s the best place in the world to be poor.
Yeah, I’m sorry, but it is. I’m not saying being poor is great. I’m not saying poor people have it good. I’m just saying America does a lot to look out for its poor. People can debate whether or not we can do more, but I mean, come on, if you were born in America you one the world’s lottery as it is better to be poor here than most other countries.
#7 – You Be You, I’ll Be Me
The general idea of America is that most people who came here were tired of the bullshit in the other countries. “I don’t want to be hacked to pieces or go to war over religion, ideas, cultural clashes, etc. I just want to get a good job, work, make money, raise a family.”
That’s it. All there is to it. Yes, there are many ways we can improve and we don’t always succeed but as a general rule, but the general idea is that this is a place where you can have one religion, your neighbor can have another one, your other neighbor can believe something else and yet the overall idea is we are all supposed to live and believe how we deem best but come together on the important things we can agree on.
#6 – Grocery Stores/Fast Food/Lots of Food
The good news? Compared to many other countries, we are lousy with food. The bad news, there are actual food scientists who sit around all day, dreaming up new ways to make me fatter. Whenever you see a commercial for buffalo wing stuffed crust pizza, you know your ass is going to get fatter.
But, we just have to Peter Parker that shit and remember that with great power comes great responsibility. It’s better to have a lot of food to keep people from starving, but don’t eat yourself to the point where you need a little rascal to get around.
#5 – Bald Eagles
They’re getting scarce, and that’s plain wrong. We should set up a preserve where bald eagles can have lots of down and dirty bald eagle sex, thus preserving our nation’s symbol for generations to come.
#4 – We Defeated Hitler
I know there are a lot of skeletons in America’s closet. Slavery, what happened to the Native Americans, etc. There’s no shortage of stories about bad shit that went down during our nation’s infancy.
We must not forget these travesties but we should also remember the good, namely, when the world was about an inch away from being conquered and forced to eat sauerkraut and bratwurst forever, America put on its big boy pants and saved the day.
Now we only eat sauerkraut and bratwurst when we want to, not because Hitler wants us to.
#3 – Space
We’ve down so much to conquer the boundaries of space. We’ve only scratched the surface though. America should renew its past commitment to NASA.
#2 – Hot Dogs
Oh what? Like you’re too good to eat a meat product comprised of butcher factory floor sweepings.
#1 – Everyone Wants to Come Here
People do like to dump on America, and they do, a lot, because, remember, we have the freedom of speech. No place is perfect but when so many people are trying to get here everyday, you have to admit, that must be a sign we’re doing something right.
What do you think is the best about America? Discuss in the comments.
BQB here with a review of the schlock fest, “CHiPs.”
It seems like every old show of yesteryear is destined to be brought back as a parody today, and CHiPs, a 1970s-1980s show about a duo of California Highway motorcycle patrolmen is the latest victim.
In this go around, Dax Shepard plays Jon Baker, a motorcycle daredevil turned rookie patrol officer and Michael Pena plays Ponch, an FBI agent assigned to infiltrate CHiPs in order to expose corrupt cops within the unit.
The critics have lambasted this movie wholeheartedly. I have to admit, it is a movie that I could take or leave. To its credit, there were a few things I found funny that made me laugh, always a good sign of a comedy. However, by the end, I found myself fiddling with my phone and letting it play in the background, so it wasn’t able to capture my interest all the way through.
There are some cool bike chase scenes and part of me wonders if just a straight up serious film about California bike cops vs. crooks minus the comedy might have been more successful.
STATUS: Bordeline shelf-worthy. I laughed a couple of times but had I never rented it, I don’t think I would have missed much.
BQB here with a review of the movie that took his money and time and refuses to give either one back.
Yeah, it stinks. It’s pretty bad, so thank me for watching it so you don’t have to.
Charlie Day and Ice Cube are teachers at a high school. On the last day of the year, the senior pranks are out of control, ranging from paint bomb explosions to a mariachi band getting paid to follow the principal (Dean Norris) wherever he goes.
Charlie inadvertently gets Ice Cube fired. Ice Cube’s response? To challenge Charlie to an after school fight, a move that so many students have used to resolve their differences in the past.
Charlie is presented as a wimpy worm who then goes on a series of adventures throughout the day in an effort to keep the fight from happening. Perhaps that would be humorous except for the reality that Ice Cube is twice the size of Charlie and twice as menacing, ergo anyone in their right mind would avoid a fight with him. Somehow, the writers want us to think, “Ha ha what a wuss Charlie is for avoiding a fight with Ice Cube” but who wouldn’t want to avoid a fight with Ice Cube? Ice Cube has put at least thirty years and some change into developing a “don’t mess with me” persona.
I realize in comedy, the rules often go out the window in the name of humor. However, there is usually at least some kind of premise that the jokes can build on. Here, there isn’t one.
It’s unlikely that a teacher would challenge another teacher to a fight, but we’re shown Ice Cube’s character is a hot head so, ok, we’ll go with it. But even after Charlie fixes the mess he made of Ice Cube’s career and smooths it all over, Ice Cube wants to fight anyway. There’s literally no making sense of any of it. No matter what happens, Ice Cube wants to fight.
At some point, the writers need to create a villain, someone to blame the fight on, so Norris and the Superintendent (the guy from the All State commercials whose name I don’t feel like looking up right now) are briefly shown as firing teachers, making a lot of budget cuts…somehow we’re told the fight is the result of all the stress the bosses cause teachers except, well, if you watch it, that really had nothing to do with it. In reality, Ice Cube’s character did something worthy of being fired and most teachers in Charlie Day’s position would not have hesitated to tell on him.
Tracey Morgan as the school’s incompetent coach who can’t win a game, Christina Hendricks as the hot French teacher who mistakenly believes Charlie is a pervert who deserves to be beaten down by Ice Cube and Jillian Bell as a sex crazed guidance counselor were not able to save the movie.
Bell’s character is particularly disturbing. She lusts after male students, openly declaring her love of “teenage penis” or “tenis.” I get that it’s done to parody so many news stories where a teacher has been caught doing inappropriate things with a student, to say, “hey, look, teachers who do that are bad people” but I don’t know, the jokes just seemed more gross and inappropriate than funny. Maybe it’s because it’s so sad and disturbing when teachers abuse their position of trust like that, that somehow it just doesn’t seem like a laughing matter.
The movie culminates in a Daddy/Daughter talent show competition, as Charlie has been concerned all day that the impending fist fight will cause him to miss performing with his daughter. At the last minute, the daughter changes the song from the theme to the musical “Rent” to a vulgar, profanity laced rap song by Big Sean. Charlie is unaware of the song’s content so goes along with it, only to be horrified when his little girl, who can’t be more than eight years old, starts rapping and spewing out F-bombs to a horrified crowd of little kids, parents and teachers.
I get there was supposed to be a joke somewhere in the shock value, but it just made me want to pick up the phone and call child services. I mean, I guess it’s legal to hire a little girl to say the F-word over and over again on film…but should it be?
That’s the rub when it comes to shock comedy. When done right, it can leave you slapping your knees and rolling in the aisles. When done wrong, it just leaves you questioning the comedy chops of the people behind the film.
STATUS: Not-shelfworthy. I watched it so you don’t have to. Go ahead and skip this one.
The members of the Clan of the Mediocre Yet Effective Club Bonk struggled on the palace steps to hold back the zombie invaders. Several of them had fallen victim to the Clan of the Terrifyingly Unnatural Brain Bite.
Junjie observed the carnage, then looked to the Staff of Ages. The ruby glowed red once more.
“The Staff of Ages has been freed of Dragonhand’s influence,” the Infallible Master said. “It belongs to its true master once again. Wield it freely and it will know exactly what you wish it to do.”
Junjie closed his eyes and raised the staff high into the air. Thunder claps sounded overhead. Multiple bolts of lightning tore through the sky and zapped their way into the staff, until the ancient device began to glow bright white.
Once more, the handsome hero pointed the staff toward the sky and a colossal lighting bolt of unfathomable size lit up the night sky. It pulsated in the heavens, dancing and flickering about until it separated into hundreds of smaller lighting bolts. Each bolt found a different zombie brain to pierce. Soon, every last brain biter in the Forbidden City was destroyed, while the remaining humans survived unscathed.
The clubbers cheered. Junjie cheered. “Master, I can’t believe that….Master?”
The Infallible Master was nowhere to be found, except in Junjie’s mind. “There is no more that I can teach you now, my son. It is time for you to become the master, and time for me to wile away many a year in Diyu.”
“Diyu?” Junjie asked out loud. Those in the handsome hero’s general vicinity might have thought the young man had gone mad had they not seen so many other frightening wonders that day. “I thought you said you would never be able to pass on to the other side.”
“A Master has his ways,” came the Infallible Master inside Junjie’s brain. “The older we get, the more realize what we once thought is impossible is, in fact, quite possible.”
“There’s something you aren’t telling me,” Junjie said.
“Perhaps,” the Infallible Master said. “But the task of rebuilding the devastated kung fu clans is ahead of you now. The last thing you need to do is to worry about me.”
“Wait,” Junjie said. “Will I ever see you again?”
The master’s voice laughed. “Yes. It will seem like an eternity but remember, time is but a trick of the mind. We shall have our reunion one day, if not in the gloomy abyss of Diyu, then surely in the warm embrace of Heaven.”
“Can I talk to you?” Junjie asked.
The master’s voice laughed again. “Oh my son. I spent so much time with my master that I hear him even when he does not speak to me. You will see me and hear me in everything you do, regardless of whether or not we actually speak again.”
“That’s very cryptic,” Junjie said.
“Meh,” the Infallible Master said. “I am a kung fu master. It is what I do.”
“Goodbye, Master,” Junjie said.
“No,” the Infallible Master said. “Not goodbye. Never goodbye. I will see you later.”
A tear streamed down Junjie’s cheek. “I will see you later, Master.”
And with that, the voice inside Junjie’s head was gone.
Junjie looked to the Infallible Master. “There is no more Bohai, is there?”
“There is not,” the Infallible Master replied. “There is only Rage Dog. Do not make the same mistake I did.”
Rage Dog held up the squirmy bag. “To eat the last brain of an imperial dynasty, to obtain the knowledge that comes with countless generations of leadership…all of China will be mine.”
Junjie picked up one of the golden swords and pointed it at Bohai. “Release the Emperor, monster. Do so now and I will clap you in chains and lock you away where you can’t hurt anyone anymore. I will then spend the rest of my days searching for a cure, for some method of restoring Bohai’s soul to his former body.”
Rage Dog’s eyes traveled to his missing hand, then to the various holes and marks that permeated his body. “What makes you think Bohai would even want it now?”
“You are repeating my mistake, my son,” the Infallible Master warned. “No more negotiations. Finish him.”
Junjie studied Rage Dog’s face. “I know my brother is in there, somewhere…I just can’t…”
Thunk! The tip of General Tsang’s sword pierced its way through Rage Dog’s eyeball. The creature uttered a few last gaps then dropped the bag, only for it to be caught just in time by the general’s hand.
Rage Dog collapsed to the floor. He was no more. Once he was out of the way, the full figure of the general was revealed. The veteran warrior was soaked in the blood and brains of the many zombies he defeated out in the rain.
“You kung fu fighters are a sentimental lot, aren’t you?” General Tsang asked as he looked down at Rage Dog’s corpse. “Good think I didn’t know him that well.”
Ever so gently, the general placed the bag on the floor and opened it up. A very scared little boy popped out and attached himself to his protector like a barnacle on the hull of a ship.
“Tsang!”
“Yes, your majesty,” General Tsang said as he ran his hands through the boy’s hair. “Tsang is here now.”
“Come,” the Infallible Master said to Junjie. “There is more work outside.”
BQB here with a review of the heist/car chase/romance/action/quasi-musical film, “Baby Driver.”
3.5 readers, I have to be honest. When I first saw the trailer for this movie, I thought it would be crap. It looked like a lame attempt to marry a youthful pop song vibe to a heist film, two genres whose audiences don’t mix and mingle well together.
Turns out, I was wrong. I know. You all look up to me but yes, it does happen once in a blue moon. This movie is great and quite frankly, one of the best and most original I have seen all year.
Director Edgar Wright has wowed us with comedies like Simon Pegg comedies like “Shaun of the Dead” and “Hot Fuzz” and even brought us musical silliness with “Scott Pilgrim vs. the World.”
Here, Wright brings us some serious stakes but he does so with style…oh, so much style. And that’s no easy feat, for whenever an attempt at style falls flat, a movie buff like me is standing by to shout, “lame!”
But shout I did not, unless you count shouts of joy.
Baby (Ansel Elgort) is maestro behind the wheel…literally. He’s obsessed with good tunes and never goes anywhere without a pair of ear buds in his ears. Sadly, he’s also forced to be the getaway driver for a heist ring led by Doc (Kevin Spacey), with robbers including Griff (Jon Bernthal of “The Walking Dead” fame), Buddy (Jon Hamm of “Mad Men” fame), Darling (Elza Gonzalez of gives me a boner fame), JD (Lanny Joon, I’m not sure what he’s famous for but he has the funniest line of the movie), and Eddie (Flea of “Red Hot Chili Peppers” fame).
When the cash has been grabbed and the police sirens begin to wail, Baby tunes out all that noise and focuses on his tunes, letting the music take control, allowing him to push his driving skills to the limit. This makes for some pretty sweet car chase scenes where the getaway car’s movements are timed to coincide with the beat of whatever Baby is listening to. Epically stylish.
But Baby doesn’t like this life. He knows his foster father Joe (CJ Jones) does not approve and wants him to walk the straight and narrow path. Plus, he falls for waitress Debora (Lily James) and envisions a life with her. The kid just wasn’t meant for a life of crime, and he doesn’t care much for the violent actions of the criminals he’s forced to transport.
Will Baby write the ultimate getaway playlist? Or, will he sing his final swan song? Can’t tell you. You’ll have to see it for yourself.
Speaking of playlists, the film’s score is great, featuring hits from a plethora of decades and genres. No matter when you were born or what your preferred genre is, it is unlikely you’ll get out of the film without hearing at least one tune that strikes your fancy. Music from 1970-present (with an emphasis on the 1970s if I’m not mistaken) and some of the genres I recall include pop, rock and yes, even rap. Baby’s got an iPod for every occasion and a song for every mood and Wright uses those songs to clue the audience in on what mood they should be in.
Kevin Spacey is his usual “I’m smarter than all of you” self. Jon Hamm finally gets a role where it doesn’t look like he just shows up on the set and says “Hi I’m Jon Hamm. Film me because I’m a beautiful man.” Jamie Foxx is the scary wild card and if his intention was to make me pee my pants in fear…well, I didn’t pee but otherwise, yes, I think I would if I had actually met his character in real life.
Ansel Elgort has a future and there are some touching scenes between him and CJ Jones, a deaf actor who play’s Baby’s deaf foster father.
STATUS: Shelf-worthy, a great example of what Hollywood can accomplish when they take a break from all the sequels and prequels and give a director permission to let his freak flag fly. I also love it whenever I go into a movie thinking it will be a pile of crap and end up being a big fan. It’s so much better than when I go into a movie as a big fan only to be disappointed when it turns out to be a pile of crap.
I’ve been working on this list a long time now and I never seem to run out of TV shows that ended badly.
Today, I want to talk about a great show that sadly screwed the pooch in the end. Yep, I’m talking about the long running series “How I Met Your Mother.”
Oh and FYI – SPOILERS! So, if you haven’t watched it yet, don’t read below.
Ironically, I never watched this show while it was on the air. I assumed it was one of many vapid CBS comedies about young, beautiful people pretending to have problems but they don’t really have them. “Waah, boo hoo I’m so pretty and so sad.”
But as it turns out, it’s not that bad at all. Funny, the first episode I saw was the last one. After hearing about this show about a man telling his kids the story of how he met their mother for years, I figured it might be interesting to check out the final show where he meets “the mother.”
At the time, I thought it was nice but then over time, I went back and streamed the show from the beginning on Netflix and…yeah…that ending sucked the big one.
Unlike many sitcoms where you can come in at any time and not be lost, this series really is cumulative and better watched from the beginning.
The best short description I can give it is that it is “Friends” for the tail end of Generation X (or the beginning of the Millenials, depending on how you’re keeping score. I know that can be confusing as “Friends” was also a big show for Generation X (but the older Gen Xers.)
Ted (Josh Radnor), Robin (Cobie Smulders), Marshall (Jason Segel), Lily (Alyson Hannigan) and Barney (Neil Patrick Harris) five youngsters just trying to make it in Manhattan.
As they go forth into the world, the show explores a variety of issues that often affect people as they move from their early twenties into their thirties or in other words, as they escape adolescence and struggle to make the best of adulthood.
Each character suffers career setbacks – i.e. their chosen professions don’t work out anywhere near the way they thought.
The characters suffer losses – i.e. parents grow old and die or decide they don’t like each other anymore and get divorced.
They experience regret and suffer sadness over thinking “What if this” and “If only I had done that” and they learn how to cope with the fact that there’s no time travel machine for them to use to go back in time and prevent themselves from making mistakes.
They all suffer romantic heartaches and Ted suffers the most.
The show is narrated from the perspective of an older Ted (voiced by Bob Saget). Ted, an older man, calls his young children into his home office, sits them down in front of his desk and begins to tell them the story of “How I Met Your Mother.” The show runners showed a great deal of foresight as to the show’s longevity as they recorded a number of interactions with the kids that could be used to interact with Older Ted (who we don’t see until the very end sitting at the desk, it’s just assumed he’s there talking to the kids).
Over the course of ten seasons (this is reflected as the kids often joke about their father’s horribly long winded story telling style), we see Ted move from a young, recent college graduate to a mature adult man.
Ted is madly in love with Robin, who he sees as his end all, be all, the perfect woman, the woman that can bring all sorts of eternal happiness to his soul.
We’ve all met someone like that and we all know it feels pretty shitty when that love goes unrequited. Even worse, an experience like that can make us doubt future relationships. After all, if you met someone who gave you butterflies, won’t it feel like settling if you end up with someone who doesn’t? But then again, how likely is it to get that butterfly feeling in your life more than once? Should you really wait for it to come again?
Life is complicated as the show tells us. Though it is filled with great humor, we learn that life’s greatest problems aren’t all black and white. Sure, you could hate Robin for denying Ted…or you could understand that Robin wants something very different than what Ted wants.
Ted dreams of a stable home life filled with kids and a loving wife who adores him and will work on house projects with him and shop for curtains and so on. Robin dreams of becoming a big time TV reporter, traveling the world, going on awesome adventures and making a lot of money.
Thus, as much as these two do love each other, Robin at least realizes she probably would not have the type of personality that Ted yearns for in the long run.
The show moves on. Ted meets a series of woman. Each time, we wonder if this woman will be “the mother.” Ted is abused by some of these women and at other times, Ted screws the pooch royally with these women. It’s reflective of the average love life – sometimes people get screwed over and sometimes they do the screwing over.
By the time the last episode rolls around, Ted is forlorn as hell, having to go through an indignity no man should suffer through – being expected to go to the wedding of the woman he loves (Robin) to his one of his best friends (Barney.)
That’s another lesson of the show. Sometimes love will come in an inconvenient manner. Rarely does it ever show up when you want it to by appointment under the best of circumstances. Like Robin, Barney also yearns for that flashy, jet setting lifestyle and so he and Robin are perfect for each other…though it causes all sorts of turmoil given that they both are friends with Ted.
But then things look up for Ted. Ted’s about to kiss New York goodbye, ready to move on to Chicago, a new city that isn’t filled with so many sad memories for him, when he meets…”the mother!”
Robin and Barney are happy. Ted and “The Mother” are happy…it looks like the show will end happily for all and then…SPOILER…the mother dies. Yup. They kill off the mother right after we meet her…after the show’s biggest fans were waiting ten years to meet her.
At some point, we see Robin and Barney staying in a hotel in some exotic location Robin is reporting (she finally got her dream job) from. Barney has become a successful blogger, sharing the many secrets of how to score with chicks he learned from his days as a super pervert.
You’d think they’d be happy – after all, Robin is traveling all over the world on her network’s time and Barney is tagging along with a new career that he can do from anywhere as long as he brings his laptop but, we’re told they are miserable with this lifestyle, but to me, that just seems so out of character. All those two wanted was a) love b) adventure and c) to not have to sacrifice one for the other. They’re fellow adventurers who love one another and can travel the world together…not sure how that’s wrong for them.
Yes, Barney hooked up with Robin and you’re not supposed to do that to your bro but hey, love is messy and sometimes you have to do what you have to do.
Somehow, Robin ends up essentially being punished for doing what her gut told her to do. She ends up giving this long, tearful speech to Lilly about how she regrets dumping Ted, the only man she loved who loved her but now it’s too late, for Ted has moved on and is with the mother now.
I mean, yeah, any guy who has ever been dumped by the girl of his dreams, his great dream is to find one more girl of his dreams and then have the first girl become beside herself with misery and woe about dumping him.
Long story short, Robin ends up an old spinster in her apartment, apparently a punishment for choosing her career over Ted, but the mother dies because the writers just didn’t have the guts to let the Ted/Robin romance go. The show closes with an old Ted rushing to an old Robin’s apartment to profess his love, his kids giving him his blessing as much time has passed since “The Mother’s” death.
Sigh. Just…yeah…sigh. The happier ending would have been that Robin isn’t a bad person for recognizing what she wanted and going for it, even if that meant putting career over love. She had confidence in herself that she’d find love after her she found her career.
The happier ending would have been that Ted didn’t lie down like a dog and die because Robin didn’t love him. He kept putting himself out there. He kept trying. He finally met his second dream girl.
The happier ending would have been that Robin and Barney, two adventurers, end up together, and Ted and “the Mother” two homebodies who yearn to be loving, doting parents, end up together.
But nope. No. We get to meet the mother and then she’s taken away. I mean, I guess in a dark way, that’s a happy ending for Ted. He gets his second dream girl and then he also gets to be with his first dream girl as an older man.
But for a show called, “How I Met Your Mother” everyone naturally assumed the end of that title should be, “How I Met Your Mother…and How We Lived Happily Ever After.”
Nope. Instead, the show should have been called, “How I Met Your Mother…and Boy Am I Glad that Bitch Croaked So I Can Finally Bone Robin Now that She’s So Old She’s Given Up On Finding Anyone Else to Bone Her!”
Guess that title would not have been as catchy.
Don’t get me wrong. If you haven’t seen it (why did you read this then) you should still watch it. I laughed. I cried. Honestly, at times I debated whether to continue to watch the show because some of the heartaches and regrets, sadness over failures and bad decisions really got to me and made me relive my own pain in my mind…I mean, that’s not a good thing to happen but it speaks to how well written the show is.
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