They eat carrots.
Bookshelf Battle
The only site where new bestsellers are forced to do battle for space on a nerd's bookshelf.
Monthly Archives: August 2017
BQB’s Classic Movie Reviews – Sleepy Hollow (1999)
I was in college when I went to see this movie on the big screen. I thought it was great and over time, I am convinced that it is Tim Burton’s best. It’s a perfect blend of horror, mystery, and light humor.
I caught it on Netflix tonight and was amazed at how young Johnny Depp looks. I’m not sure how young he is in this movie but he’s got to be late 20s or at least no more than early 30s. I remember being a teenager thinking he was an old man. Sigh. What time does to our perspective.
Christina Ricci plays Katrina, Ichabod’s love interest. Christina is about my age (and was my age at the time I saw the movie for the first time)…I remember at the time thinking she was hot and would love to date her. Now she seems like a baby in this movie.
Depp is great in this as he plays Ichabod as a science geek, someone ahead of his time with all sorts of gadgets and gizmos he uses for detective work. He’s smarter than everyone yet he’s also lacking in common sense and often goes to great lengths with his gadgets to figure out what is obvious anyway.
Further, it takes place in 1799, a time when people were beginning to accept at least the most basic of scientific principles yet were still holding on to thoughts of witchcraft and superstition. Thus, the pitting of Ichabod’s science against the horseman’s supernatural powers.
STATUS: Shelf-worthy. Rent it on Netflix today.
Daily Discussion with BQB – Taylor Swift Gets $1 for Bum Grab
Hey 3.5 readers. BQB here.
Taylor Swift has won a legal battle in court against a DJ who she alleges grabbed her heiney. A jury awarded her a dollar and one can assume it’s not that she needs the dollar but that she now has an official court ruling that the DJ is a bum grabber.
Sigh. Meanwhile I’ve been offering my bum for ladies to grab for years and there are no takers. They can even keep their dollars.
Discuss.
Top Ten Warning Signs You Might Be a Clinically Depressed Werewolf
Depression. It’s the pits. It’s even worse when you’re a werewolf.
I mean, if you’re just a guy, the world isn’t missing much if you lock yourself up and cry over anything.
But if you’re an awesome werewolf and allow those powers to fester over depression, that’s a waste.
Are you a werewolf? That’s cool. Please don’t eat me.
Are you a clinically depressed werewolf, like my blog’s columnist, “Clinically Depressed Werewolf?”
You won’t find out until you read this list. From BQB HQ in Fabulous East Randomtown, it’s the Top Ten Warning Signs You Might Be a Clinically Depressed Werewolf:
#10 – You Must Be a Werewolf
If you’re not a werewolf but you’re sad all the time, then you are merely a clinically depressed human. Still, seek professional help, but all you need to worry about is the depression part, not the werewolf part.
#9 – You’ve Lost the Will to Howl at the Moon
Werewolves love to howl at the moon as if the moon will respond to them. Idiots. Still, if you’re not able to muster up even the briefest of “Arwoos!” then you need to consult a werewolf psychiatrist posthaste.
NOTE: This can either be a werewolf who doubles as a psychiatrist or a human who knows how to treat the mental illnesses of werewolves.
#8 – You Don’t Want to Eat People Anymore
I mean, you shouldn’t be doing that anyway but if you were eating people a lot and now you aren’t, that’s a bad sign.
#7 – Your Fur is Falling Out
It could just be werewolf pattern baldness but if you’re worrying about a lot of random stuff, then it could be a sign of werewolf depression.
#6 – You Spend All Your Time Listening to James Blunt’s “Your Beautiful” Song in Your Werewolf Lair
This song is the saddest song ever written. Personally, I think James Blunt consulted with the CIA to produce a song that makes people so sad they want to off themselves just to control the surplus population. My lawyer says I must stress I have no evidence or proof of this so as far as I know, James is just a good singer who apparently likes to use his vocal powers to make people sad as fuck.
Anyway, if you’re a werewolf, you should be enjoying your great strength and powers, using them to do badass shit and bang all that bomass werewolf pussy. So, if you’re just listening to James Blunt instead, them I’m sorry to inform you that you are a clinically depressed werewolf.
#5 – You Keep a Silver Bullet Around Just in Case
If there’s one thing a werewolf hates, it’s a mail man. If there are two things a werewolf hates, it’s a mail man and a silver bullet. Silver bullets are the only thing that can kill a werewolf, so if you’re a werewolf, you want to keep them far away from yourself as possible, unless, of course, you’re thinking about ending it all and you’re keeping that silver bullet for when you are ready.
Please, whether you are a human or a werewolf, if you are having suicidal thoughts, please seek professional help immediately. Suicide is never the answer.
#4 – You Cage Yourself During the Day
You’re only a danger to others at night, so that’s the only time you need to be caged to keep yourself from wolfing out and eating humans. If you’re caging yourself during the day, then you’re cutting yourself off from the world. So sad.
#3 – You’re Preoccupied with Death
We all have to go someday, but with a little luck and some hope, that day is a long, long time away. Don’t focus on it or you’ll think of nothing else, especially if you’re a werewolf, because you’re stronger than most. I mean, nothing can kill you but a silver bullet so, holy shit, just stay away from silver bullets and you’ll be fine, bitch. Stop worrying.
#2 – You Smell Worse Than Usual
Werewolves always smell bad, but if you smell worse than usual, you’ve let your hygiene go because…you are a clinically depressed werewolf.
#1 – You Think You Might Be Depressed
Holy shit dude, if you think you are depressed then you might be. Seek professional help.
BQB’s Classic Movie Reviews – The African Queen (1951) (And What It Taught Me About Love)
An oldie but a goodie, 3.5 readers.
In WW1 era Africa, British Methodist missionaries/brother and sister Sam and Rose Sayer (Robert Morley and Katherine Hepburn) run a religious village in Kungdu. Alas, fighting breaks out between the Germans and British and then Germans will have nothing English in the region they control, so they burn the settlement down.
Sam dies from the shock of it all, leaving Rose with no one to depend on other than Charlie Allnut (Humphrey Bogart), a gruff, gin soaked riverboat captain who occasionally stops by to deliver the settlement’s supplies.
Charlie agrees to deliver Rose to safety on his junky boat, the African Queen. The two are the original odd couple. Charlie swigs booze and uses coarse language, much to the dismay of prim and proper, super religious Rose.
At first, the two hate each other. Charlie looks at Rose as a pampered woman who wants to boss him around and make stupid moves that could get them killed, that she’s basically always been cared for and could never fend for herself so she should pipe down and let hnm be in charge.
Rose looks at Charlie like he’s a shaved baboon, that he can’t stop swigging gin for two seconds and he’s probably a pervert who wants her lady parts even though she’s covered in like twenty layers of clothing despite the hot African sun.
By the mid-point of the movie, the duo braves crocodiles, killer bugs, river rapids, murderous Germans and through it all, they start to grow rather fond of each other.
It is here where the film excels. If the African Queen were to be remade today, there would probably be a five minute softcore scene where Channing Tatum bends Margot Robbie over a railing and has his way with her.
Here, we see Charlie and Rose kiss and then cut to the morning. Maybe they humped. Maybe they didn’t. Honestly, given that it is a 1951 movie about 1914, they probably didn’t hump. The kissing was enough for two people who just met in those days.
The film’s greatness as a love story comes through the fact that they portray love through, whodjthunkit, actual displays of love rather than banging scenes.
Charlie and Rose hated each other. Now they dote upon one another. They call each other “sweetheart” and “darling.” Charlie learns that Rose likes tea so he never lets her cup go empty. Rose learns to trust Charlie more and doesn’t assume that everything he does is a rouse to get under her twenty layers of clothing.
They work together to get the African Queen downriver. They fight over who should do a dangerous duty, each demanding to risk their lives to spare the other, ultimately deciding to do it together when neither will back down.
It all culminates in a strangely touching scene when they are captured by Germans. Sentenced to hang, they make one last request, that the German captain marry them. They seem very happy in this instant, despite the fact that certain death is imminent.
I won’t spoil what happens next. However, I think this film does more to display true love than what we see today, both on screen and perhaps even in our own relationships.
True, sex is the ultimate comfort. It is the best experience that a human body can feel. On screen, we like to see good looking people bone so we can imagine being one of them. Off screen, we look for partners who arouse us.
But it’s the times between sex that determine whether or not a relationship will last. Do you call your other a pet name reserved only for him/her? Do you hold their hand? Tell them you love them? Talk about the life you want to build together? Get them a cup of tea and feel it is a blessing you have someone to get a cup of tea for rather than be made someone is making you get them a cup of tea?
These are all signs of long lasting love. In 1951, the director of this film wasn’t able to show you that Charlie and Rose were in love by having them bone. So instead, they showed all the things we all wish we had in a partner. Ultimately, it all boils down to unconditional love, displayed through affection that is offered freely and never has to be asked for.
Because of this, I can picture Charlie and Rose moving away after their adventure and settling down together. Meanwhile, all of these couples who meet and instantly bang in the throws of passion probably only last until they find someone else to bang.
Somehow, we all lost sight of what day to day love is. Too much sex. Not enough love.
Movie Review – Colossal (2016)
Love and monsters!
BQB here with a review of the pleasant surprise that is “Colossal.”
Gloria (Anne Hathaway) is a mess. She’s partying her life away and worse, she’s partied her boyfriend away. Dumped and homeless, she returns to her home town only to reunite with childhood friend Oscar (Jason Sudeikis).
Gloria and Oscar have a tumultuous relationship with a lot of leftover baggage from their younger days. And worse, for some bizarre, mysterious reason…when their passion turns to violence, their alter egos appear in Seoul, South Korea and wreak havoc.
Yes, that’s right. Everything Gloria does is copied by a giant monster. Everything Oscar does is copied by a giant robot.
My one criticism is the fight scenes between Gloria and Oscar often turn brutal, more brutal than you’d like to see between any couple and especially when we see a man lose control and hit a woman. However, the challenge was that Gloria and Oscar must fight so that their monstrous alter egos fight and unfortunately the only way for that to happen was for the filmmaker to put instances of all too real domestic violence on screen.
The film could have gone a number of ways. When I saw the trailer, I thought this movie was a comedy but it is anything but. Humorous things could have been done but ultimately the monsters destroying the city trope is used to parallel the destruction that a squabbling couple can wreak upon each other as well as the world around them.
My main compliment is the director does a lot with a little. There are brief scenes showing the monsters so as to not break the budget. Otherwise, once the rules are explained (i.e. when Gloria and Oscar go wild, their counterparts destroy a city)…we become shocked by the littlest movements. In other words, for the low cost of Anne Hathaway falling down on the grass, we can imagine a corresponding monster falling down and destroying a city block in the process.
In a time of sequels and reboots, this film is original, mashing up the romance and monster stomping the city genres. And after all, when love fails, don’t we all feel like monsters stomping around the city out of control?
STATUS: Shelf-worthy.
Search Engine Optimized Poet – No One Reads This Blog
:::Bongo Drum Beats:::
Hey there all you hep cats and hep kittens. Come on down to the East Randomtown Java Bean, where the poets always stink and the cups are never clean.
Next on the mic is the one and only Search Engine Optimized Poet…the only rhyme-smith whose beats bring in the web searchers’ feets, ya dig?
This blog!
Whoa, this blog!
No one ever reads it at all!
BQB would probably get more readership,
if he posts his musings on the back of a bathroom stall.
Bawl. Like a baby our blog host cries.
And whenever his blog stats are low, a little piece of him dies.
Sighs. That’s the sound that he makes.
Every day when other little piece of his heart breaks.
Mistakes. He’s made a few.
But if it’s one thing you don’t get in life, it’s a re-do.
Stew. In his juices in his East Randomtown dive.
Wondering why no matter what he does, his readers only total 3.5.
Daily Discussion with BQB – The Infamous Google Memo
Hey 3.5 readers.
So…here’s something that happened that sounds like it could be an Onion article. A Google employee wrote a memo that essentially says Google suppresses different opinions and could benefit from allowing different opinions.
For offering a different opinion, the dude was fired.
I’m worried to even dip my toe in this fray. God knows it’s never good to get on the wrong side of the PC police.
But it’s just…if you actually read the guy’s memo, he’s actually a) recognizing that lack of women working in tech is a problem and b) offering possible solutions to help bring more women into the tech sector.
For example, he notes that more part-time jobs might help women get into tech. Women often find themselves torn between career and family. Part-time jobs could help mothers keep a foothold in the tech industry but still leave them with enough time to be with their children. When their kids are older, women who worked part-time will have a much easier finding full time employment.
OK this is where you breathe fire on me and tell me “Blah blah blah why should women have to stay home with the kids?” You know what? If they don’t want to, then they shouldn’t. I’m talking about women who actually, legit WANT to spend time with their children but still also work part time and also have a full time job when their kids are older and don’t need as much help anymore.
OK this is where you breathe fire on me and say, “Well why don’t the men stay home with the kids?” Well, if they want to, they should be able to. Problem is this. The women’s rights movement has gone a long way into bringing more fairness as to what society “expects” from women.
If you’re a woman and you want to work, there are more people than ever who will not give you shit for that. Also, if you’re a woman and you would rather stay home with your children because you think hugging those babies is what life is all about, people won’t give you shit either. You’ve got options.
There has not been a corresponding shift in societal expectations of men. If you are a man, you’d better work and be a good provider if you want a woman. Your ability to attract a woman corresponds to how much money you make, as if you are a human ATM machine and your personality, your mind, etc matters little. If you stay home with the kids, you’ll be considered a pussy.
But you know what? More part time jobs might help men too. Dads could take a part time job and keep their toe in tech while they take care of kids. Maybe they could do that while their wives work part time.
And then the memo goes on to suggest that some, note, some women prefer cooperative over competitive environments. Thus, the memo suggests there should be more group projects where workers help one another rather than solo projects where everyone climbs over each other to be number one.
Sounds like a nice environment, doesn’t it? I’d rather work with someone than against someone.
Keep in mind the memo doesn’t say ALL women want to work part time, that they ALL want to choose kids over careers, that they ALL prefer cooperation over competition…what he’s saying is enough women do that a significant number stay out of tech and if they could receive some reasonable assistance, the number of women in tech would increase.
But all the PC police see is, “OMG! He said men and women are different! Get him!”
It just seems crazy to me. So contradictory.
PC FOLKS: We’re mad there aren’t more women in tech!
MEMO GUY: Here are some ideas that might help get more women into tech.
PC FOLKS: Rot in hell scumbag!
MEMO GUY: OK I’ve been fired so I can’t suggest more ideas to help get more women into tech.
PC FOLKS: Boo! Why aren’t there more women in tech?
What say you 3.5 readers?
Daily Discussion with BQB – Always Man the Anti-Dragon Crossbow
Hey 3.5 readers.
BQB here.
I’ve watched the final scene of the latest Game of Thrones episode a bunch of times now, the one where Khaleesi burns the shit out of the Lannister army with her dragon’s red hot fire breath.
Truly, some bad ass shit we fans have been waiting seven years to see.
Question – why was the anti-dragon crossbow just sitting in a covered wagon, all wrapped up and not ready to fire? Why did Sir Bronn have to fight his way across a battlefield to get to it?
I mean, seriously? WTF, people? If you know there’s a crazy ass blonde bitch with a fat ass fire breathing dragon at her command, you would think that it would be common sense for the big ass anti-dragon crossbow to be manned at all times.
Day. Night. Weekday. Weekend. Holiday. There should always be some dude behind that crossbow waiting to shoot a damn dragon.
What say you, 3.5 readers?
BQB’s Production Schedule
This year has been a tough one. As you all know, I’m an ageless fictional character who is forever a young, happening dude.
However, my friend the Alleged Man turned 38 and that has been hard on him. He is realizing that the window for him to do all he wanted to do in life is getting shorter so if he’s going to do something he’d better do it.
So I’m taking a page out of his playbook.
At this time I have three completed first drafts: 1) Toilet Gator 2) Zom Fu 3) How the West Was Zombed.
Actually, Zom Fu has a few chapters left but it is substantially done.
I think at this point I have to put what is written above what is not written and get these three polished and published.
How the West Was Zombed worries me most. It began as the first book in a series but as time went on I pictured it as book three. But at best I think I can get like one draft of a book written a year and I don’t want to wait 2 more years so I think I will release How the West Was Zombed as Book 1 and then if people like it I will change it to Book 3 and release the first 2.
Or perhaps I’ll divide the series into “Zombie Westerns” and “Zombie Western Prequels.” Zombed can be the first book of the Zombie Western Series. Later, I’ll write Remember the Zombamo and that can be the first of the prequels.
It could be better to wait and put them all out at once but I just don’t think I have the time to wait anymore. If this self publishing thing is going to happen it must happen soon.
What say you, 3.5?
Bookshelf Battle 