Professor Horatio J. Nannerpants, Professional Literary Expert/Semi-Professional Poop Flinger
Oh, hello 3.5 students. I didn’t see you there. I was too busy strolling down a snow filled path on my way to spend a cozy night or two in a fine Swiss chalet. I shall be drinking a number of fine, aromatic wines, discussing the important issues of the day with my many intelligent university colleagues and of course, I shall be flinging my poops at the wall to see what sticks.
Have you ever thrown a poop, 3.5 students? For legal reasons, I can’t advise you to do it (though for cathartic reasons I can’t argue against it.)
As I enjoy a morning banana daiquiri (which I can drink at this time for I am on vacation and you shouldn’t assume I am drinking a banana drink just because I am a primate, you closed-minded ne’er-do-wells), I am pondering death. Yes, death, the most terrifying of all inevitabilities.
“Do not go gentle into that good night, rage, rage against the dying of the light.” Have you heard that oldie but goodie by Dylan Thomas?
Of course you haven’t. You’re a product of the public education system. Rent “Interstellar” and get back to me.
At first glance, you might think this poem includes encouragement to the dying, urging them to fight against their illness to stay in the light (life) for another day, and avoid the dying of the light (death.)
While I generally find that to be good advice, i.e., if you are sick, don’t give up because you never know, you might get better. I know I once was very constipated and thought I’d die from an intense backup of poop but then after a laxative laced banana (only eaten for the potassium and not due to a simian stereotype) I pooped out several months’ worth of poop and had enough poop to fling for days and days. I never felt more alive with all that poop to fling.
Note this passage:
Though wise men at their end know dark is right,
Because their words had forked no lightning they
Do not go gentle into that good night.
I think there are a number of interpretations. I don’t wish to put words into Thomas’ mouth and overall, the “don’t give up and fight to keep living, even if the fight just leads a little bit of extra time because that little bit is worth it” is valid.
However, an alternative meaning is that while you are young and alive, you should embrace life. Work on your goals. Do good deeds. Do things that make you proud.
Live a life such that when you are old, you might say, “Well, I couldn’t have done it better.”
Alas, few, if any, live a regret free life but still, while a regret free life is impossible, it may be possible to feel like your life wasn’t wasted, that you didn’t just take up space on Earth while you were here.
Doesn’t matter how old you are, 3.5 students. Your death bed is coming, hopefully at no time soon, and I hope that because a) I care about you and b) I want BQB to have more readers and make more money off this insipid blog so he can continue to pay me in banana bushels for these columns, again not because of your preconceived notions about simians and delicious nanners but because bananas are good for you.
What will you do so that you are feeling content when the light fades, 3.5 readers? Start planning how to not waste your lives, today.
Don’t forget to fling your poop in the comments. Class dismissed.