Monthly Archives: October 2018

TV Review – The Conners (2018)

 

Roseanne epically shot herself in the foot.  There’s no doubt about it.  She had a major comeback only to throw it all away by making a stupid racist comment.

So I get why they cancelled her show…but I think it was stupid to bring it back without her.

Roseanne was that show and even without her, she’s still there.  All the characters do now is talk about her.  Who needs to watch a sad show that’s supposed to be a comedy even though the family is grieving about their dead mother?

I think they could have come up with something funnier.  Roseanne loses her mind and goes on a wild, cross-country crime spree.  Maybe Roseanne gets kicked out of Lanford for being a racist.  Maybe she posts a racist tweet.  Maybe offends the entire town for being racist and her family has to put up with her hiding in the basement from everyone who wants to rip her a new one.  Once in awhile, the family tosses some food down the basement and someone doing a Roseanne impression cackles.

I just think that she’s dead is so dark for a comedy.  I get that ABC and all the actors were riding on this comeback and Roseanne screwed it up so they should at least get another season but man, I don’t know…I just think they could have thought of a funnier explanation as to why Roseanne isn’t around anymore.

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Please Don’t Buy Assemble Yourself Furniture Ever Again

Hey 3.5 readers.

BQB here.

Please don’t buy furniture you have to assemble yourself.  Don’t do it.  Ever.  Never, ever, ever.  Just don’t do it.

Earlier this year I regaled you with how I ate $100 because I bought a desk that was missing parts and so infuriated was I that I just needed to get the thing into a dumpster and curl up in the fetal position and take deep breathes for 17 hours.

Maybe it wasn’t that bad, but still.

I told myself then I would never buy assemble yourself furniture ever again.

Then I did it again.  I bought a cabinet.  I liked the style and color and felt it would be a good fit for the space I wanted to put it in.

About an hour and a half into putting this thing together, I realize the entire back of the cabinet was not included.

Think that matters? Nope.  Because the pre-drilled holes the instructions say should be drilled already so I can screw the back (that isn’t there) also isn’t there.

So I throw a temper tantrum.  I curse like a sailor.  Worse than a sailor. I was very creative.

I examine this thing like the Zapruder film.  Maybe I’m missing something?  Am I looking at it wrong?  Maybe if I look at it in different ways, maybe I put it together upside down and I’ll find out I really should have done X, Y, Z and nope.  Nothing.  I was screwed.

I call customer service.  The lady says I can bring it back to the store for a refund or if I’d rather, they’d send me the replacement parts.

I think about it.  Well, I really do like the photos of the cabinet.  I really think it would look nice.  But then I ask myself, “Do I have faith that they won’t screw me again?”

Suddenly, I imagine the next 4 weeks of my life:

ME ON THE PHONE: Hey, you sent me a cabinet without the right parts.  I need a back and I need the sides with screw holes already screwed in.  I should drill them myself?  Fuck you, I’m not a carpenter.  Do I look like Bob Villa?  If I knew how to drill holes and shit I’d just buy some wood and make a cabinet myself.  Maybe that’s why Jesus was the savior because he was a carpenter and carpentry requires patience.  Anyway, send the right parts please.

ME ON THE PHONE A WEEK LATER:  Hi, I asked you to send me a back and  the side with screw holes but there must have been a mix-up because you sent me a basket of stale croutons and a framed photo of 1980s teen heart throb Corey Haim.  Can you send me a back and sides with drilled screw holes?

ME ON THE PHONE TWO WEEKS LATER:  Hi, me again.  Yeah, I asked for a back and sides with holes and you sent me a Corey Haim photo and a basket of croutons so I called you and asked you to send the right parts but instead you sent me a SpongeBob SquarePants DVD and a butter sculpture of Mike Tyson.  Why are we not understanding each other?  OK, you’ll send the right parts?  Good.

ME ON THE PHONE THREE WEEKS LATER:  Hi.  So, I got the Corey Haim photo, the croutons, the SpongeBob DVD, and the butter boxer but what I need is a back and sides with pre-drilled screw holes.  Yes.  Please.  This half put together cabinet has been in my living room forever now.  A family of raccoons just built a home in it.  OK, so this time you swear you’ll send me the correct and accurate parts.

ME ON THE PHONE FOUR WEEKS LATER: Hi.  I was just wondering why is it when I said “Send me a back and sides with screw holes” you apparently heard “a rubber clown nose” and two cancelled ticket stubs to a Menudo concert.  No.  No, I don’t want you to try again.  I give up.  I will enjoy lighting this half-put together cabinet on fire and what?  No, I will not pay for the expense of shipping you back the Corey Haim photo, the croutons, the…

So I told her I’d just bring it in and return it.  And, from this day forward, I will never buy anything that requires self-assembly.

First, I’m not a cobbler.  Doctors don’t send me do it yourself surgery kits so why the eff are furniture companies sending me do it yourself cabinet kits?

Second, there is apparently no pride in workmanship.  There’s no one in the factory who gives a shit if I get a cabinet that works. The pieces are complicated that the workers can just throw a bunch of shit in the box and no one finds out until dumbass me opens it up.

Maybe I don’t even blame them.  I can only assume the parts are made by little orphan Chinese kids who are grabbed up and forced into a childhood of slave labor for a nickel a day and the foreman is probably beating a drum and whipping them and telling them he’ll burn down their villages if they don’t pack X amount of boxes per day so I guess if that is the case (probably isn’t) then I guess I don’t blame those little Chinese kids for forgetting to drill my screw holes and for forgetting to add my back.

OK.  Enough ranting.  I have lost faith in the world.  Do you want to lose your faith in humanity too?  Then go on and buy assemble yourself furniture.

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Daily Discussion with BQB – Young Man vs. Old Man (on Pete Davidson and Ariana Grande)

IF I HAD HEARD ABOUT PETE DAVIDSON AND ARIANA GRANDE WHEN I WAS 20:

“Aw, awesome, Pete! Ariana is so hot man, and she’s famous and rich and whoa man that’s so cool, dawg, good for you, bro.  Man, you’re gonna be chillin in the best hotels, riding in the fanciest cars, doing all kinds of stuff, your life is gonna be awesome, bro.

BUT I HEARD ABOUT PETE DAVIDSON AND ARIANA GRANDE AS I APPROACH 40:

“Jesus Christ, Pete.  Are you sure about this?  God, she seems like she’s going to be a lot of work.  Yeah, no, I know she’s hot and rich and famous but holy shit, the amount of work you’re going to have to do to keep her happy and then there’s no telling if even then she’ll be happy.  Dude, she’s rich.  Famous.  Hot.  She has so many options dude and you know there’s going to be like 10,000 other dudes sniffing around that and she’s going to be all like, ‘Don’t be so possessive, they’re just my friends’ even though you know they’re all going to wanting to be hitting that and you totally know if you ever even look at another chick she’s going to be all up in your grill.  I don’t know, dawg.  It just seems like a lot of work to me.  You’ve got to me on your A game forever.  Forever, dawg.  Seriously, have you considered as less hot chick?  You know I saw this chubby girl with a lazy eye at the Burger King who would totally rock your world, bro and her last boyfriend was a meth head so like, SNL cast member is totally a step up for her, bro.  She’d be totes grateful.”

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Top Ten Halloween Candies (Best and Worst)

Hey 3.5 readers. BQB here. Check out my list of top Halloween candies and let me know if I missed your favorite.

Bookshelf Battle

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Hey kids, avoid strangers all year along.

Except on October 31.

Then put on a dumb costume and knock on strangers’ doors and demand free foodstuffs.

Who the hell invented this dumb holiday?

Oh wait. I forgot.

We here at BQB HQ love Halloween.

So without further ado, the Top Ten Halloween Candies

#10 – Candy Corn (Best)

An old staple.  Sweet.  Delicious.

Do you like the chocolate candy corn?  You know the ones where the bottom stripe is chocolate?

Eh, I do like chocolate but I prefer my candy corn to have the white stripes at the bottom.

I don’t know why.  I’ve done a lot of thought on this though and that white stripe tastes better than the chocolate strip.

The white strip basically tastes like the candy corn flavor and I can only get that candy corn flavor at Halloween time, whereas I can get chocolate all…

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Cultural Appropriation and Halloween Costumes – A List of What Costumes Your Kid Should Not Wear

Hey 3.5 readers.

It’s Halloween time and you know what that means.

It’s time to figure out if your costume is culturally appropriate. Consult this list to make sure you won’t be offending anyone on All Hallow’s Eve. (Note, you probably will be.)

Bookshelf Battle

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Yup.  It’s Halloween so we know what that means.  Crazy SJWs are flipping their shit over the fact that someone, somewhere in the world might wear a costume for one night for a few hours that might offend somebody, somewhere.

Redbook published this article, breathlessly warning of the dangers of the epic sadness and woe that could spread across the globe if parents allow white daughters to dress like Polynesian princess Moana this Halloween.

First, the article is an example of what is wrong with journalism i.e. the drumming up of a faux controversy.  I mean, it makes it out as if there are a legion of little girls dressing up like Polynesian princesses and an equally large legion of Polynesian girls who are beside themselves with misery and woe over this.  I mean, maybe, just maybe there’s one Halloween party somewhere where this could happen, but is it…

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Daily Discussion with BQB – “Thanks For Not Raping Us” Column in Washington Post

Ugh.

Check out this column.

You know, 3.5 readers, what passes as journalism these days is abysmal.

I don’t really want to debate the Kavanaugh situation with you 3.5 readers.  Either you realize it was a bag job or you’re too dumb to realize it was a bag job or…oops.  Yeesh.  Thank God only 3.5 readers read this blog.  Anyway, moving on…

I’ve seen so many dumb columns written by women who talk about their own rage and anger over Kavanaugh and how that somehow applies to the men in their lives and I realize I’m expected to weep for these women but I feel like becoming a male Harriet Tubman – freeing these poor men who have to undergo getting kicked in the proverbial nuts in a shoddy piece of writing so their significant others can have their 15 minutes of fame.

Anyway, here’s what Victoria Bissell Brown, an honest to God history professor wrote, along with my pithy commentary.

BROWN: I yelled at my husband last night. Not pick-up-your-socks yell. Not how-could-you-ignore-that-red-light yell. This was real yelling. This was 30 minutes of from-the-gut yelling. Triggered by a small, thoughtless, dismissive, annoyed, patronizing comment. Really small. A micro-wave that triggered a hurricane. I blew. Hard and fast. And it terrified me. I’m still terrified by what I felt and what I said. I am almost 70 years old.

BQB: Hey husband of this lady.  On the off chance that you’re one of my 3.5 readers, please, for the love of god, get up and go!  You’re 70, man.  You’ve put 50 years in with this lady only to get yelled at as some sort of stand in for a frigging judge she doesn’t like.  Sir, you have done your time. Now please, go to one of those brothels outside of Vegas and score some primo strange before you die.

Seriously, man.  You’re old.  You could croak any time.  Don’t let your last experience with a woman be getting yelled at because you are expected at 70 years of age to dawn a superhero cape and literally apprehend all rapists before they even commit rape.  Yes, you must also be psychic and predict when rapists are about to rape and then stop them.  It is not enough that you, yourself, have lived a good life and been a good husband and handled yourself in a moral manner.

BROWN: I am a grandmother. Yet in that roiling moment, screaming at my husband as if he represented every clueless male on the planet (and I every angry woman of 2018), I announced that I hate all men and wish all men were dead. If one of my grandchildren yelled something that ridiculous, I’d have to stifle a laugh.

BQB: Honestly, lady, I talked to my fellow men and we all admitted that women have gotten us to the point where we all wish we were dead too.  Please, by all means, keep yelling us into early graves so we don’t have to be blamed for things we didn’t do anymore.

BROWN: My husband of 50 years did not have to stifle a laugh. He took it dead seriously. He did not defend his remark, he did not defend men. He sat, hunched and hurt, and he listened. For a moment, it occurred to me to be grateful that I’m married to a man who will listen to a woman. The winds calmed ever so slightly in that moment. And then the storm surge welled up in me as I realized the pathetic impotence of nice men’s plan to rebuild the wreckage by listening to women.

BQB: How did she know nice, non-raping men had a plan to defeat rape by listening to women?

It’s true. I’ve been to the man conventions and the man outdoor camping retreats where we sit around the campfire.  There, we roast marshmallows and say things like, “Hey fellas, just so we’re all on the same page, we’re against rape, right?”  And then the men would talk and then we’d be like, “Yeah, and when our wives want to yell at us as stand ins for judges they don’t like we should totally sit there and take it because to try to explain that we are not the judge they dislike seems like it would require a lot of effort.”

BROWN: I said the meanest thing I’ve ever said to him: Don’t you dare sit there and sympathetically promise to change. Don’t say you will stop yourself before you blurt out some impatient, annoyed, controlling remark. No, I said, you can’t change. You are unable to change. You don’t have the skills and you won’t do it. You, I said, are one of the good men. You respect women, you believe in women, you like women, you don’t hit women or rape women or in any way abuse women. You have applauded and funded feminism for a half-century. You are one of the good men. And you cannot change. You can listen all you want, but that will not create one iota of change.

BQB: Dude.  Seriously, husband, if you’re reading this, get the next flight to Vegas because it sounds like the only thing that will make your missus happy will be your balls in a mason jar.

BROWN: In the centuries of feminist movements that have washed up and away, good men have not once organized their own mass movement to change themselves and their sons or to attack the mean-spirited, teasing, punching thing that passes for male culture. Not once. Bastards. Don’t listen to me. Listen to each other. Talk to each other. Earn your power for once.

BQB: That’s pretty sexist, lady.  I’ll have you know my men’s club meets every Tuesday for a brunch of scones with lavender butter while we read feminist slam poetry and talk about how we all wish we could grow our own vaginas.

BROWN: Pay attention people: If we do not raise boys to walk humbly and care deeply, if we do not demand that men do more than just listen, we will all drown in the flood. And there is no patriarchal Noah to save us.

BQB: Is it me or did she just simultaneously diss the patriarchy and then also demand that the patriarchy do something?

She ends on that note.  Honestly, I have no idea what she was trying to say other than husbands who are kind and decent and loving to their wives and cater to all their needs and whims aren’t doing enough and somehow they must stop bad men from becoming rapists and somehow when men goof on each other and slap each other in the ass with towels and engage in bro speak and drink beers and do manly things this is somehow causing men to become rapists.

Is it me or if a man were to write a column about some famous woman who was alleged to have done something wrong and he wrote that he yelled at his wife for 30 minutes as a stand in for what the famous woman had been done, he’d probably have to lock himself in a cage to protect himself from all the angry protesters, am I right?

I have no idea what this column was trying to say other than apparently it isn’t enough for men to be good men themselves and somehow they must be in charge of all men and all I know is that I do my part as I hold weekly tea parties where I invite all the men I know to eat peppermint cookies and hold hands and sing songs about how we will be nice and share all our feelings and emotions because women love it when men tell their feelings and get emotional.

 

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Great Musings of The Twenty-First Century – 401 – 425

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#401 – When you want something to pour on your spaghetti, you can’t beat tomato sauce.

#402 – No one flambees anything anymore.

#403 – Help! I’m trapped in a metaphysical box and I can’t get out!

#404 – What time is it?

#405 – Yesterday may have happened yesterday, but today is happening right now.  How will you judge today’s actions when tomorrow arrives on time?

#406 – Do boomerangs really work?

#408 – Suffering is hard.

#409 – The cardinals never take my papal candidacy seriously.

#410 – Call me a bigot, but I’ll never support a marriage between a man, a woman, another man, another woman, a duck, a sheep, an alpaca, an emu, a bucket of rusty bolts, a cactus, three submarine sandwiches, a leopard, a door knob and a man named Oliver.  However, change just one of those variables and I’ll strongly consider supporting it.

#411 – The best day to fly a kite is a windy day.

#412 – Whenever I want to stop my car, I hit the brakes.

#413 – The path of least resistance offers the least resistance.  This is the best path to take.  You never hear anyone extolling the virtues of the path of most resistance, do you?

#414 – I haven’t cleaned out my desk drawers in awhile.

#415 –  Elderberries are neither old nor berries.  Discuss.

#416 – Activism sounds like a lot of work.

#417 – Sometimes the best thing to do is nothing.  However, when it is time to do something, then it is not advisable to do nothing.

#418 – Any day I don’t crap my pants is a good day.

#419 – Today’s planted seed is tomorrow’s oak tree.

#420 – You don’t meet many women named Virginia anymore.

#421 – I’ll become an astronaut once space flight is as easy as air travel. Until then, I don’t have the right stuff.

#422 – I have writer’s block.

#423 – The ocean is the wettest thing I’ve ever seen.

#424 – Is there anything better than a fresh sarsaparilla?

#425 – I enjoy good musical stylings.

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Great Musings of the Twenty-First Century – #376 – 400

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#376 – Existing isn’t the same as living.

#378 – Grapes are small pieces of fruit.

#379 – Physically, we aren’t able to see what is behind us.  Mentally, we are always looking at the past that’s unchangeable.

#380 – Birds of a feather flock together but kittens of a whisker don’t do much of anything interesting whatsoever.  Sorry I mentioned it.

#381 – Every lacrosse team has at least one Chad.

#382 – I don’t know who I am anymore.  I’m not sure I ever knew in the first place.

#383 – Stars are nature’s glitter.

#384 – One day I would like to learn judo.

#385 – I’d like to make a banjo with nothing but a cigar box, a broom handle, fifteen rubber bands and the assistance of a professional banjo maker.

#386 – I once was lost but now am found. I was in the last place I thought to look for myself.

#387 – Ducks love bread.

#388 – How fast is a light second?

#389 – The other day I was in the dairy aisle of my local grocery store. I picked up a product labeled, “I Can’t Believe It’s Not Butter.” I set the container down and moved on.  Sorry, but if the manufacturer is unable to believe that the contents do not consist of butter then I don’t know why I’m supposed to.

#390 – I’m going to think of something ridiculously clever and insert it here later.

#391 – Broadband does not include broads and if it did, those broads would not join a band. Discuss.

#392 – Are mole people friendly?  I’m talking about people with moles on their faces, not the people who live underground.  We all know the latter are dicks.

#393 – I love my microwave.  Frankly, whenever I think about how I own a device that can harness the power of the atom just to cook my frozen pizza, I get a little hard.

#394 – If Frankenstein has sex with a lady werewolf, would their baby be a Frankenwolf or a Wolfenstein?  If it’s the last one, would they have to pay royalties to the people who made that video game?

#395 – I bought a dry erase board in the hopes that I would think of something clever to write on it.  My first note on it? “Remember to return dry erase board.”

#396 – Right now, at this very moment, two horny penguins in Antarctica are getting their fuck on.

#397 – Why are people always offering poisoned people antidotes? People, it’s not that hard. Just don’t drink dotes in the first place.

#398 – Whatever happened to Mario Van Peebles?

#399 – Is it a violation to use sidewalk chalk on driveways?

#400 – I’d eat cake at every meal if I could.

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Daily Discussion with BQB – College Reform

Hey 3.5 readers.

College sucks.

Let’s discuss some key points.

  1. Never before has a college degree been more expensive in history.
  2. Never before has a college degree been less relevant in history.

You still need one to get into a variety of fields, but honestly, when I add up the cost of my education, I kind of wish that when I turned 18, I’d just gotten an electrician or plumber license and borrowed some money to buy a truck.

I’d be totes loaded now.

Anyway, when I hear courses like “Mating Habits of East Himalayan Tree Flies in 1030 A.D. I want to puke, because such drivel does not help one get a job.

Now, I do understand that colleges and universities are repositories of knowledge.  Thus, I don’t want to tell colleges to ban philosophy or gender studies or any number of majors that aren’t likely going to lead you to move off of mom and dad’s couch anytime soon.

But I feel like everyday I hear about a new, silly course.  And kids take them because they’re young and dumb and just want to party.  And parents pay for it because they assume the kid and the college knows what they are doing.

I just think a lot of these silly courses should be more like extracurricular discussion groups.  You want to learn about ancient monk poetry?  Start a group and read ancient monk poetry together till your heart’s content.

Just don’t dupe kids into taking that shit.  Don’t dupe parents into paying that shit.  Don’t dupe kids into taking out loans for that shit.

Again, I don’t really want to say that unlikely to be profitable majors should be banned.  I do, however, think there should be more discussions with students early on about what they are going to do for work after college.

And, just going to throw it out there.  Jobs are fairly scarce so to graduate quicker doesn’t mean you’re likely to get to a job quicker.  Thus, maybe more colleges should go for the 5 year model where you study for two years, work in an entry level job or internship in your field for a year, then study for another two years.

What say you, 3.5?

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Great Musings of the Twenty-First Century – #351 – 375

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#351 – Whenever I’m hungry, I talk to my two best friends: Al Dente and Al Fresco.

#352 – Do fish fart?  How would you ever know?

#353 – Women love to fight over me.  Actually, they fight over who gets me, as in, “You get him! No, I don’t want him, you get him!”

#354 – I’d become a CIA spy but it sounds like a lot of effort.  Would I get any credit for being a CIA janitor?

#355 – I feel pretty and witty, but gay is a longer conversation.

#356 – Newspapers do not publish news nor are they printed on paper.  Discuss.

#357 – When you’re smilin,’ the whole world smiles at you, not with you.

#358 – If I could change my name, I’d be Rod Halitosis.

#359 – Gold may be shiny but it’s hard to carry in your wallet.

#360 – I looked inside a turtle shell once.  The little guy was running a sex disco in there.  I was never same again.

#361 – Pencils have erasers so you can fix your mistake and fill the previously erroneous response with the correct answer.  It’s as if the wrong answer never happened. Pens do not have erasers, so you must scratch out and obliterate the wrong answer and leave a massive scar on the paper.  You might write in the answer but the memory of your failure will always be there.  Are you a pen person or a pencil person?  Decide.

#362 – I don’t know where I am.

#363 – If you don’t live life, life will live you.

#364 – Bulls are always horny.

#365 – I am against cuckery and all it stands for.

#366 – Everyone is ugly…except me.

#367 – I prefer jelly and peanut butter sandwiches to the alternative.

#368 – I don’t know what I don’t know.  I don’t even know what I do know.

#369 – I was Zeus in a previous life.

#370 – A pillow is like a bed for your head.

#371 – Whenever I need to shrink my boner, I watch The View.

#372 – I keep raisins in my cookie jar and cookies in my salad crisper.

#373 – I would like to visit Guam.

#374 – A good potato never hurt anything.

#375 – Angry is the way of the gnome.