By: An Omnipotent Narrator
How It All Started
Bookshelf Q. Battler
This blog was started by a man in a Taco Bell parking lot, who, whilst shoving a grande chalupa into his gaping maw, decided that he too could make a contribution of his own to America’s already bloated entertainment hole.
Living the dream, baby. Living the dream.
He spent most of 2014 learning how to blog. He’s still learning. If anyone knows how, please tell him.
2014 he more or less took on the role of a nerdy, uncredentialed online lit teacher. He wrote about his favorite books, poems, classic works and invited readers to talk about them.
He posted pictures of his toys next to his favorite books. Yes, he’s a grown man but he did that anyway. In fact, that’s how this blog got its name, because he called these photos, “bookshelf battles.”
That was all the blog was meant to be. Book reviews and images of a nerd’s toys.
And because he was too shy/reserved to reveal his name, he started going by the handle, “Bookshelf Q. Battler.”
2015 – The One Post a Day Challenge
With a self challenge to post once a day, the person behind this blog grasped for ideas to make his posts interesting. He still is. If anyone found anything on this blog at all interesting, please let him know.
Suddenly, Bookshelf Q. Battler began having adventures:
- He gained an arch nemesis, an evil, fun hating yeti known simply as, “The Yeti.”
- He informed everyone he is the caretaker of a magic bookshelf which causes literary characters to pop out of their books in tiny versions of themselves, then proceed to eat all of BQB’s food, run up his pay per view bill, and of course, fight over limited shelf space.
- His former professor, Dr. Hugo Von Science, began writing a column entitled, “You Can’t Argue With Science.” Dr. Hugo would later switch his status from trusted good guy to traitorous super villain.
- He explained to us that he lives in East Randomtown, a bug full of pathetic drooling dummies who view him as a celebrity because of his blog, which attracts upwards of 3.5 readers.
- Oh, and he set the bar very low, deciding that as long as he gets 3.5 readers, he’ll keep blogging.
- His long deceased uncle, Uncle Hardass, started a column, “Things That Really Frost My Ass” in which he makes fun of BQB’s attempts at becoming a writer, then moves on to a diatribe on everything bothering him.
- An all powerful alien being, referring to himself as, “The Mighty Potentate” became incredibly disturbed by Earth’s love of reality television. He hates it and fears it will one day spread off of Earth and across the universe, replacing all scripted programming with shows in which video cameras simply follow morons around while they babble about nothing and engage in moronic activities.
- The Mighty Potentate deemed BQB “the chosen one” – the writer whose words will one day inspire the masses to abandon reality television. (Oh and he’s decreed that if BQB kicks the bucket before doing so, he’ll send his alien army to conquer Earth and outlaw reality television so, you know, no pressure).
- His Potentosity dispatched his emissary, Alien Jones, to assist BQB in his writing career. Alien Jones began writing an “Ask the Alien” column in which he takes questions from indie authors and promotes their works in his posts. He’s helped twenty or so authors so far. He has some misgivings as to whether or not BQB is actually “the chosen one” but doesn’t want to tell the Mighty Potentate, who has a penchant for vaporizing those who disagree with him.
- BQB died on the toilet while shooting a lightning bolt out of his butt, BUT was given a second chance at life by William Shakespeare, who urged BQB to search for the meaning of life. In doing so, he met his current love interest, Video Game Rack Fighter, who is basically a female BQB except with video games instead of books.
- Oh and there was a zombie outbreak that decimated his hometown but luckily 31 real, live actual zombie authors gave him the advice he needed to save the day.
- You heard that right. Real, live successful people cared enough to help this guy out. I was as surprised as you were.
SO WHAT THE HELL IS THIS BLOG ABOUT NOW?
<DEEP BREATHE>
It’s a chronicle of a nerd named Bookshelf Q. Battler’s efforts to launch a successful writing career, thus getting an intergalactic overlord off his back and saving his alien buddy from vaporization (as well as the Earth from alien conquest.)
Along the way, he fights the Yeti, a mad scientist, endures his grumpy uncle’s rants, his ornery bookshelf characters’ attempts to destroy his house (oh and that’s called BQB HQ, a sprawling fortress wrapped around a small house his aunt gave him.)
He’s also very concerned about keeping VGRF as his main squeeze.
From time to time, he takes a break from his writing career to tell his 3.5 readers what he thinks about books, movies, life and so on.
The Alleged Man
BUT STARTING IN 2016, HE WILL REMAIN IN CHARACTER AND DIVORCE HIMSELF FROM – “THE ALLEGED MAN”
So a lot of people think there’s an “alleged man” behind all of this, that this mysterious individual just pretends to be Bookshelf Q. Battler, Alien Jones, Dr. Hugo, all the characters really.
Preposterous, though because BQB has, on occasion, broken character this year, I can see why people think that. Hell, even this post refers to an “alleged man” who just wrote about literature in 2014. Sloppy narration if you ask me.
Going forward, Bookshelf Q. Battler has to stop asking the 3.5 readers about what should happen to him because this blog is just the ongoing saga of his life as he tries to become a writer with all of the hurdles he has to jump over.
To bring down the curtain for a moment, BQB was modeled after this so-called “alleged man” behind the blog.
After all:
- They’re both nerds.
- They both love pop culture.
- They both want to become writers.
BUT, as you can imagine, “The Alleged Man” behind this blog and BQB have had a psychological split of sorts because after all, IF this alleged man exists (and no one is admitting that he does because that’d be ludicrous), he certainly isn’t friends with an alien, nor does he fight yetis, etc.
GET TO A POINT ALREADY!
Starting in 2016:
- Bookshelf Q. Battler will remain in character. Feel free to ask him questions, but he will respond in the manner of a nerd from East Randomtown who’s trying to launch a writing career in order to stave off an alien invasion.
- He might even ask you questions but, you know, he’ll ask them as Bookshelf Q. Battler. For example, “Any ideas on how I can promote my blog so the Mighty Potentate doesn’t vaporize Alien Jones?”
- Once in a blue moon, the hypothetical “Alleged Man” might give the 3.5 readers a peak behind the curtain but that will be rare and keep in mind, that’ll just be all fantasy because while BQB is real, the Alleged Man is totally fake. Some dude pretending to be all these characters? Absurd.
Thank you, 3.5 readers and please stop by in 2016 as Bookshelf Q. Battler will become a stronger, nerdier, and more sure of his identity as a struggling writer/yeti fighter.
Bookshelf Battle 