…tried to derail my one post a day for a year challenge but fear not, for I bested him in another best 2 out of 3 roundhouse kick to the face competition.
Stupid Yeti.
Ahh the one post a day for a year challenge – there is light at the end of this tunnel. I just hope a Yeti doesn’t kidnap me before New Year’s.
By: The Yeti, International War Criminal/Fuzzy Snow Monster
The Yeti, Uninvited Correspondent/BQB’s Nemesis
Obligatory roar.
What is this, this Facebook nonsense that you pathetic Americans insist on foisting onto the world?
I got on to my super charged Commodore 64 and here’s what I found:
“Oh look at me, I’m eating a burrito for lunch! Let me take 507 photos of it and post them immediately.”
“Oh, yes, my smelly child said something adorable today. Allow me to tell you all about it in excruciating detail.”
“I spent my morning shopping for sandals. Aren’t I the incorrigible one?”
“Here’s my polarizing political opinion. Disagree with me and you are the devil!”
“When it comes to candy, I’m for it!”
“Look, my dog is adorable.”
“Ahh, here’s me with a drink in my hand. I am such a free spirit!”
“PATOOIE!” says this Yeti.
As you non-Yetis are aware, I was from Siberia. (At least I was, until my sworn enemy Bookshelf Q. Battler imprisoned me deep below the bowels of the Bookshelf Battle Compound for my International Yeti War Crimes.
(There was an incident. I tried to take down the Bookshelf Battle Blog to prevent it from spreading awesomeness across the globe. I believe the only forms of entertainment that should be consumed are Olga’s Stewstravaganza and my book, 101 Ways to Ration Your Toilet Paper).
Anyway, Facebook is just another dumb example of evil American capitalist exploitation. Sure, you all laugh and trade pictures of your lives on it, but Zuckerberg will have the last laugh when he uses your info to declare himself Emperor of the World.
Until then, I suppose you could check out Facebook.com/bookshelfqbattler – BQB’s Facebook Page
Like it and you’ll get BQB’s nonsense directly into your feed, though why you’d want to read more of that jerk face’s ramblings I don’t know.
Yes yes, you all have fun on your blogs and social media and so on, living carefree lives while ignoring the plight of smelly yetis everywhere.
All I want to know is how you all share your damn vacation photos and mundane anecdotes all day long without passing out from the boredom.
Want to know how we used to punish people in the Siberian gulag? We showed them our vacation photos and told them mundane anecdotes!
“Muah ha ha! Confess to your crimes against Siberia or I’ll tell you about that Diet Coke I spilled on myself and show you photos of the lasagna I ate for dinner!”
Foolish Americans. The fine videos provided by Paint Drying Media are the only form of American entertainment I like.
Obligatory roar.
Stupid Yeti
The Yeti here. International War Criminal, Mythical Furry Monster and Bookshelf Q. Battler’s Sworn Enemy.
While Uber Nerd BQB strives to make the world interesting, I, The Yeti, work to make it as boring as my homeland, the frozen wasteland of Siberia, where getting an extra toilet paper ration is the most exciting thing that ever happens.
I’ve momentarily escaped from the clutches of my captor, Bookshelf Q. Battledog (Head of BQB HQ Security) to get on my Commodore 64, which, if you ask me, is where technology should have stopped.
All of these iPads and iPhones and iWhatevers. Blah. Too stimulating for the senses.
Anyway, last I checked, BQB had 999 followers as of a few minutes ago.
Whatever you do, please don’t be his 1000th follower. It will go to his head and he will keep writing his nonsense forever.
Hello pitiful 3.5 readers.
The Yeti – Back by Unpopular Demand
This is the Yeti, former occupier of the Bookshelf Battle Blog, now prisoner in Bookshelf Battle HQ basement, from which I am only released on Thursday nights to watch Scandal with Bookshelf Q. Battler and the weird short alien man.
First, let me say, “ROAR!”
Second, let me tell you that I am guilty of nothing but good taste. I tried to direct you 3.5 people away from Bookshelf Q. Battler’s lame pop culture obsessions and feast your eyes on lesser known gems, such as my beloved Olga’s Stewstravaganza Part 2: Electric Stewgaloo.
You must watch Olga’s Strewstravaganza Part 1 first as you will be hopelessly lost if you try to wade your way into Part 2 without taking in the breathtaking splendor of Part 1.
But you clowns ignored me and follow @bookshelfbattle on Twitter and now I am defeated by the many roundhouse kicks that were delivered by the amazing Bookshelf Q. Battler straight to my Yeti face.
Perhaps I am a glutton for punishment, but allow me one last chance to reason with you people.
Don’t mark your calendars for May 15. That’s the day when BQB’s story, “Bookshelf Q. Battler and the Meaning of Life” begins right on this horrendous excuse for a blog.
Honestly, what does BQB know about life? If it isn’t at the bottom of a bottle of Dew of the Mountain then that loser knows nothing about it.
Next, I urge you to not mark your calendars for June 1. That’s the day BQB’s Project X will land on this blog’s runway. He claims its a project so awesome that he doesn’t want to share too much about it at this time.
Let’s face it. He’s probably going to shave me on a live podcast.
Actually, that would probably be delightful. Summer’s on the way and all this fur is a bitch come July.
So do mark your calendars or don’t. I don’t care. But as you cheer on your false prophet, the incredibly dimwitted BQB, know that he is exceptionally mean to Yetis.
Why, he doesn’t even let me hold the remote during Scandal.
In conclusion, Yetis love Scandal.
We really do.
Yeti picture courtesy of a shutterstock.com license.
BOOKSHELF Q. BATTLER: All right then. Settle down now. I know you’ve all come to hear the exciting 
news, but there’s no need to act like a bunch of uncouth barbarians, is there?
Good afternoon, ladies and gentlemen of the press.
In early March, due to a pathetic performance of his duties, Bookshelf Q. Battle Dog, Head of Bookshelf Battle Headquarters Security, failed miserably in his mission to secure the premises and allowed my arch enemy, The Yeti, to enter.
Upon spying the intruder, I did what any civilized gentleman would do. I challenged him to a best two out of three roundhouse kick to the face competition. Whoever landed two direct kicks to the opponent’s face first would be allowed to stay.
The Yeti, who is more intelligent than his poor grooming habits would have you think, made use of a loophole by kicking me in the face with both feet at the same time. Amazingly, he still managed to do it roundhouse style. Two feet on my face in one turn allowed him to remain in my compound and take me as a hostage and my abode as his own.
The Yeti, as you may recall, believes that all should leave a bland, boring life – one free of excitement and intrigue. I, on the other hand, with my witty stories and fabulous posts, spread joy to the hearts of my 3.5 readers everyday.
Don’t believe me? Just read this review of my blog written by a total stranger I have absolutely never met before:
The Bookshelf Battle Blog doesn’t completely suck.
Sincerely,
Not Bookshelf Q. Battler’s Aunt Gertie
Thank you Stranger Who is Not Aunt Gertie.
Shortly after determining that The Yeti was, in fact, a Cheater Cheater Pumpkin Eater, I challenged him with another bet. I wagered that I could get 4,000 followers on twitter. If I got them, he had to leave. We never negotiated what he’d get if I failed because, you know, he’s a stupid yeti.
The Yeti, confident that I could never acquire such a cornucopia of followers, took that action. Today, I am proud to say I have 4000 followers. 4008 the last time I checked.
The Yeti has now been defeated, my honor restored, and Bookshelf Battle HQ is once again secure.
I will now take your questions.
REPORTER #1 – BQB, Joe Fakenamer for Who Cares Digest here.
BQB: A fine publication.
REPORTER #1 – Now that you have proven that you are, in fact, better in every way than The Yeti, will you cast him out of Bookshelf Battle HQ as promised?
BQB: No.
GASPS ALL AROUND
BQB: Joe, we as writers need to be professional and courteous to everyone, even our worst critics. The Yeti, who once lived in Siberia and shared a tent with three hundred other Yetis, has become used to American culture. Frankly, he’s a pampered Yeti know and I can’t just send him out on his own. I will allow him to stay at BQB HQ indefinitely.
REPORTER 2 – Emily Hotchkiss of Woogy Waggy Times here. What would you say to critics who claim you’re a two-bit hack who just uses “The Yeti” as a prop for when you’ve run out of things to say in during your ill-advised one post a day challenge.
BQB: I’d say they’re not inaccurate.
REPORTER #2 – Huh?
BQB: What?
So there you have it folks. The Yeti will now live in the basement and I will begin the long process of having a team of 1000 hair removal experts remove all of the hair from the remainder of the compound.
Continue to tune in as hi jinx are likely to ensue when two mortal enemies live under the same roof.
Newspaper graphic courtesy of Vasco Soares on openclipart.org
So, the other day I’m flipping through the channels and what do I find:
Yeti Krabs! (a character on Nickelodeon’s Spongebob Squarepants)
BQB: The Yeti! Are you seeing this? I’m a trendsetter! I start talking about Yetis on my blog and suddenly everyone has Yeti fever!
THE YETI: Roar roar. Check your ego at the door. No one reads your stupid blog.
BQB: Thanks Yeti. I can always count on you to keep me grounded.
Curious, I googled “yeti krabs” to discover this:
Yeti Krab!
BQB: The Yeti! Are you serious? Yeti Krabs are real? WHY DIDN’T YOU TELL ME THAT YETI KRABS ARE REAL?!
THE YETI: You didn’t ask. They are our tiny, furry, pinchy cousins and are angrier than we are.
BQB: That’s pretty angry, since you literally rip Bookshelf Battle HQ apart every day. I feel like all I ever do is clean up after you anymore.
THE YETI: I am Oscar to your Felix. Roar.
Well anyway folks, it feels like this blog has been all about yetis lately so all I can say is keep those twitter follows coming because I’m 140 away from giving this snow beast his walking papers.
THE YETI: It will never happen. I’ve seen rocks with moss growing on them that are funnier than you are.
BQB: Shut up, The Yeti.
Bookshelf Battle 