That’s all I’ve got today.
Bookshelf Battle
The only site where new bestsellers are forced to do battle for space on a nerd's bookshelf.
Category Archives: Tomfoolery
Alternate Presidential Choices
Folks, just want to remind you do have options.
Uncle Hardass and the Mighty Potentate are also running.
Also, if you’re unfortunate enough to live in East Randomtown, please vote for me for mayor. Leo McKoy is a douche and I’m ninety-nine percent sure he’s also a robot.
Who won the Presidential Debate – Trump or Hillary?
Pbbht. Yeah, I’m not going to talk about that. I’m just putting the post out there in the name of shameless search engine optimization.
Come to me, my sweet, sweet, delicious clicks.
Talk about it if you like or if you prefer, what is your favorite kind of pizza? Personally, I like mine with a little ham, maybe some pineapple. Delicious.
Y’all been Rickrolled, baby. Never gonna give you up, never gonna let you down, please buy my book if I ever get around to publishing one….
Chickens are Stupid
I don’t know. I got nothing. So I’ll just say chickens are stupid.
Man Robs Bank to Go To Jail So He Can Get Away from His Wife
As reported in today’s Washington Post and other media outlets, a 70 year old, apparently fed up with his wife after an argument, robbed a bank and as he stated to police, to go to jail because he felt that being in the hoosegow would be a better fate than having to live with his wife.
Well…my first thought is maybe he’s just exaggerating and maybe he and his wife just had a really bad day…but then again, I’ve never met his wife.
I guess he could get a divorce but then again a) if that led to her getting the house and b) he’s not a young stud muffin who could rebuild his life and get another house and c) he’s not wrong about her being that bad then…hell, maybe his scheme was almost understandable.
DISCLAIMER: Understandable, but obviously not advisable. Surely there are public programs, charities and services one could turn to if you’re old and you hate your wife and don’t want to live with her anymore.
At any rate, this fine blog and its proprietor do not advise you to rob a bank under any circumstances and especially as a ploy to get away from your wife, no matter how horrible you believe her to be.
What say you, 3.5 readers?
Who Wins a Fight Between…
…a unicorn and a shark?
…a cornered honey badger and a zombie?
…a werewolf and a direwolf?
…a ninja and a guy that just works out a lot?
…your mother or your mother-in-law?
…a pegasus and a weasel?
200 Views Until my 50,000th view
Exciting news, 3.5 readers.
I’m 200 views away from this fine blog being viewed a whopping, an astounding, an awe-inspiring 50,000 times.
Even more amazing is the fact that 49,000 of those views were provided by my beloved Aunt Gertie, seen below:
Do People Still Use Checks?
I saw someone write out a check at a grocery store the other day.
She had the checkbook. The pen. She wrote it all out by hand, the whole nine yards.
I mean, I’m old enough to remember a time when people did this regularly and this was a common sight.
But its been years since I’ve seen someone do it.
I was surprised. In my mind, I was all like, “Damn lady, are you some kind of cave woman? Do you write memos on stone tablets using a hammer and chisel? Are you about to get into your Flintsones mobile and run the thing away with your feet?”
And she wasn’t an old lady or anything. She was fairly young.
Anyway, that is where technology is at. Someone used a check and I nearly plotzed.
Go Topless Day
Happy Sunday 3.5 readers.
Fun fact: today is International Go Topless Day.
I’m not sure I should link to information about this holiday because that would warp your degenerate minds.
Needless to say, there are women who believe it is discriminatory that men get to walk around topless and they don’t. So they have parades and events and stuff where they let their fun bags fly free.
Ehh…of all the causes out there I’m not sure there’s a whole lot of opposition. I don’t think you’ll find a lot of men saying, “No! No I do not want to see those boobs! Cover up those boobs!”
Although personally as a man, I can tell you that we men often view easily viewed boobs as some sort of trap, kind of like Lucy holding the football only to yank it away and laugh when Charlie Brown runs up to kick it.
I assume (though don’t get mad at me if you think this is assumption is wrong because I don’t I’m just talking at random here) there are probably some women who’d whip the ole sweater cannons out only to be all like “How dare you stare at my sweater cannons?!” if a man stares at them.
Am I in favor of this holiday? Well, sure. I don’t mind free range boobs. I’d probably still sneak glances because like I said, typically seeing boobs requires copious amounts of effort so when they’re easily seen my mind is trained to think something’s up, but at any rate if adult women want to let it all hang out, they won’t get any argument from me.
Then again, I can also see the argument many might have that this is a slippery slope. Should men be allowed to let their junk hang out? Should we all be able to go pantsless and let our cheeks flap in the breeze?
Maybe we should. Maybe thats how we were made. Maybe we should all revert to Garden of Eden pre-Eve apple munch days when we were all innocent and frolicked in the sun in our birthday suits.
Then again, clothes do serve a purpose. They keep us warm. They keep us from leaving skid marks on publicly used seats. They keep us from getting our germs all over supermarket produce. I’m not sure how that works. Germs leap off your butt and onto the cucumbers. For a better explanation, you’ll have to conduct noted scientist Dr. Hugo Von Science.
Heck, clothes probably even keep our junk from getting slammed in car doors more than we realize.
And there are probably some people who might get offended by the boobs. Maybe they’re trying to take their kids for a walk and don’t want to cover their eyes the whole time. Maybe there are enough boobs in Congress already that we have to see on the news 24/7.
Perhaps we could limit free range hooters to nude beaches. Getting some sun on those things is the only real reason to turn them loose outside anyway, right?
Oh but then again if you limit it to certain beaches then that would be like creating boob internment camps right? Never again, man. Never again.
And finally, I consider myself a philosopher. During my many years of Shaolin training, my master used to ask me, “If a tree falls in the forest and no one is around to see it, does it make a sound?”
That’s a question designed to train the mind to tackle complexity. Very hard to answer.
Similarly, if boobs are hanging out, but men don’t stare at them because they don’t want to get arrested for First Degree Boob Staring, then were the boobs ever out to begin with?
I don’t know 3.5 readers. ‘Tis a question for the ages.
Women, if you’re celebrating this day, enjoy.
Men, don’t stare. It’s a trap.
I Regret Not Starting a Blog Earlier
I have to say, since I started this blog in 2014, it has been one of few activities I have participated in where the more I work at it, the more I get out of it.
Every week I get more followers. Those followers stack up over time. I still don’t get as many views and/or visitors as I’d like, though those figures have increased each year though, leaving me hopeful that they’ll actually reach a high point.
Keeping my fingers crossed.
I don’t recall when I first heard of the term “blogging.”
Had to have been somewhere in the mid-2000s.
It just seemed dumb.
I figured that publications that had a large print following would essentially use their money to take over online.
And to an extent they did but I never realized what opportunities there were for writers to go it alone.
Ergo, I often wonder had I got into blogging say, a decade ago, perhaps I’d have 300,500 readers instead of 3.5 readers.
Oh well. “If I could turn back time” as Cher has been known to sing in her leather underpants.
Honestly though, and there are more seasoned experts who can correct me but, I’m not sure any of this really became that viable until social media came about, allowing bloggers to post links to their blogs using hashtags of subjects they are interested in or that their posts pertain to.
I hate to admit it because unfortunately I’m one of those people who feels the need to view myself as having the biggest brain in the room, but I never really imagined that social media was going to turn into anything important when it came out.
“Huh” I thought when I first got onto Facebook. A site that lets everyone discuss their thoughts…and everyone I know has very dumb thoughts…and they all insist on sharing them 24/7.
“I picked my nose!” #nosecandy
“I ate a tuna fish sandwich for lunch!” #straightuptunason
“My political views are ultimately superior to yours, moron!” #politickinglikeamofo
Long story short, I didn’t get into any of this until 2014.
Would that I could take Doc’s DeLorean to say, I dunno, 2006? That’s the year Twitter started. And when YouTube started I believe. Had I been up to this for ten years I like to think I’d actually be somewhere that involves getting paid for blogging but…oh well, then again, I don’t like to think about things I can’t change.
Don’t even get me started on YouTube. Being able to buy everything you need to start your own web show at Best Buy?
Sorry, I dated myself. Being able to buy everything you need to start your own web show on Amazon?
(You whippersnappers still use Amazon, right? )
In summation, budding young artists, creatives, writers, actors, comedians, singers, musicians or what have you literally have no idea, no idea whatsoever how lucky they have it to have all this technology at their fingertips.
Build your audience, 3.5 readers. Because when I was your age, if you wanted to make it in a creative field, you had to walk twenty miles up a hill just to kiss the ass of the guy who knows the guy who knows a guy who knows a guy who knows a guy whose cousin’s sister’s uncle’s cousin’s neighbor’s boyfriend’s cat trainer’s donkey pharmacist might, just might know a guy who could introduce you to the guy whose ass you need to kiss just to get an interview with the guy who might be able to help you get your foot in the door.
That’s a whole lot of ass kissing. A proud man like me just isn’t down for it.
Enjoy the new world, 3.5. There’s never been a better time to be a creative person.
Except for maybe the Renaissance. If you lived in Europe you were able to paint pictures of chubby chicks…but even then only 3.5 people ever saw those paintings.
Whoa. I’ve come full circle.
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