Tag Archives: alien jones

May 31 2015
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Ask the Alien

Ask the Alien – Halfway Through the One Post a Year Challenge

By:  Alien Jones, Intergalactic Correspondent

"Carry the one, add in the denominator and, hey! What do you know? It all still adds up to 3.5!"

“Carry the one, add in the denominator and, hey! What do you know? It all still adds up to 3.5!”

Greetings Earth losers!  No one’s bothered to consult my genius alien brain lately but that’s ok.  I’ve been monitoring your news reports and what with everyone down there on your pitiful excuse for a planet shooting each other every five minutes, I’ve no doubt you’ve all got this shit locked down.  Why bother asking a supreme being for answers when you all know everything anyway?

Sorry.  I don’t speak with emotion so you may not have noticed the sarcasm.

Anyhow, tomorrow Bookshelf Q. Battler will reach the halfway mark of his one post a day for a year challenge.  Yes, you poor people have been subject to BQB’s daily blatherings without a break for an entire six months now.  Either you didn’t notice or you’ve grown numb to the stupidity.

Stupidity?  I meant to say BQB is a genius.  I have to because for some peculiar reason, my boss, the Mighty Potentate, sees potential in this nerd.  That means I have to see potential in him to.

Yes.  Just change his name to Bookshelf Q. Potentialer.

How’s BQB doing now that we’ve reached the point of no return?

Let’s take a look:

WORDPRESS FOLLOWERS:

Dec 2014 – 450 approx

Today = 1,069

TWITTER FOLLOWERS: 

Dec 2014 – 2000 approx

Today = 4,586

VIEWS:

As of Dec. 2014 = 4,658

Jan-May 31, 2015 =  12,335

VISITORS: 

As of Dec. 2014 = 3,263

Jan-May 31, 2015= 6,941

YETIS ACQUIRED: 

As of Dec. 2014 = 0 (Considered a good thing

Jan-May 31, 2015 = 1 (A terrible setback)

I’ll hand it to our illustrious blog host.  The proof, as they say, is in the pudding.  I’ve never understood why Earthlings say that though.  Is there some criminal out there who hides all of the evidence against him at the bottom of a gigantic vat of tapioca?

But I digress.  Daily blogging, interacting with readers, social media, etc. has helped BQB put his stats on the rise.  He’s not at the point where he can assure the Mighty Potentate that his writing will distract the masses from the reality television that he despises so much, but it would appear that increased daily improvements, no matter how small, add up over time.

Thank you for your continued support of BQB.  Though I could care less, I can’t really, for the Mightiest of Potentates, He Whose Ganderflazer Dwarves Mine in Comparison, requires me to care.

So care I shall.

Alien Jones is the Intergalactic Correspondent for the Bookshelf Battle Blog, on a mission to raise Earth’s collective intelligence levels one question at a time. Do you have a question for the Esteemed Brainy One? Tweet it to @bookshelfbattle on Twitter, leave it in the comments on bookshelfbattle.com, or stop by Bookshelf Battle on Google Plus. If he likes your question, he might even promote your book, blog, other project in his answer.

Alien image courtesy of a shutterstock.com license.

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May 24 2015
7 Comments
Ask the Alien

Ask the Alien – Is Hollywood Capturing What Aliens Really Look Like?

By:  Alien Jones, Intergalactic Correspondent

Greetings Earth Losers!

Alien Jones here once again to educate humanity’s masses and help you help yourselves.

This week, avid Bookshelf Battle Blog Reader “Sledpress” has consulted my genius brain thusly:

“But I WANT to see “Flatulence Intervention!” One of my string of weird ex’es needs it…

On the other hand, I’ve been meaning to ask AJ whether a majority of aliens have weirdly wrinkled and shiny leathery skin, or if it’s just that somewhere in Hollywood there are warehouses full of unused Naugahyde that they have to work off.”

Flatulence Intervention is just one of the many reality television programs that my Supreme Overlord, the Mighty Potentate wants off Earth airwaves before it offends his eye receptacles on our home planet, the name of which I’m not allowed to tell you as His Royal Pontentositude fears Hollywood suits will spend copious amounts of Earth money to unlock intergalactic travel for humanity for the sole purpose of peddling reality TV to our home world.

Other Reality TV programs that offend His Epic Potentosity:

DJ Jazzy Jones

DJ Jazzy Jones

  • Nuns with Hangovers
  • Name that Smell
  • Legendary Rock Star Becomes Old, Forgetful and Hilarious
  • America’s Next Top Barbershop Quartet
  • Fishing with Fred (That’s pretty much the whole show.  Fred goes fishing.)

Anyway, Sledpress basically wants to know if Hollywood is doing a good job of capturing what aliens look like.

Well, yes and no.

With their limited imaginations, humans conceive of the concept that there are worlds where beings look vastly different than what they are used to.

For example, renowned science fiction director James Cameron provided your world with the grotesque and hideously scary “Aliens” in the Alien movies.

Years later, he tried to make a fictional species that appeared beautiful in 2009’s Avatar but the effort fell flat and he basically just produced a race of half-man/half-smurfs.

(Seriously, everyone and their Uncle opined that damn movie was going to be the best thing since sliced bread but you haven’t watched it again since you saw it in the theater have you?)

Where Cameron gets it right is this:  there are some alien species that you humans, based on your own concepts of beauty, would find attractive or disgusting.

However, keep in mind that beauty or ugliness is in the eye of the beholder.

Some beings would never be attracted to beings with “wrinkly naugahyde skin.”  Others won’t go anywhere near a being who doesn’t have it.

It’s a diverse universe out there and every alien has their own preconceived notions of what is and is not appealing.

Personally, I’m glad that my species has developed cloning and outgrown the need for procreation, as that’s a whole rat race that isn’t worth it.  My government mandated life mate and I get along because the Mighty Potentate demands that we do so and that’s all this being needs to know.

Alien Jones is the Intergalactic Correspondent for the Bookshelf Battle Blog, on a mission to raise Earth’s collective intelligence levels one question at a time. Do you have a question for the Esteemed Brainy One? Tweet it to @bookshelfbattle on Twitter, leave it in the comments on bookshelfbattle.com, or stop by Bookshelf Battle on Google Plus. If he likes your question, he might even promote your book, blog, other project in his answer.

Alien image courtesy of a shutterstock.com license.

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May 19 2015
9 Comments
Ask the Alien

Get Abducted! Help Alien Jones!

Alien Jones.

"Pardon me, Earth loser. Do you have any honey mustard sauce for my space nuggets?"

“Pardon me, Earth loser. Do you have any honey mustard sauce for my space nuggets?”

He’s on a two-fold mission:

1)  Help get Bookshelf Q. Battler’s blog off the ground, thus introducing a writer who will stem the tide of reality programming.  AJ’s boss, the Mighty Potentate, hates reality programming.

2) Answer questions posed to him in his “Ask the Alien” column, which he writes in an effort to raise Earth’s collective level of intelligence and help it overcome its label of “Dumbest Planet in the Universe.”  (Theoretically, this could help with the anti-reality TV mission.)

Do you have a question for the Esteemed Brainy one?  Submit it in the comments, tweet it to @bookshelfbattle or leave it on the Bookshelf Battle Google Plus page.

Together, we can stop the onslaught of reality programming, thus ensuring the Mighty Potentate’s eye holes won’t be offended by the likes of:

Reality TV Shows the Mighty Potentate Hates

1)  Goat Martial Artists

2)  Nazi Housewives of Kalamazoo

3)  Flatulence Intervention

4)  Who Wants to Marry a Clown?  (As in an actual circus clown)

5)  The spin off – America’s Next Top Clown  (Clowns compete in a clown judged competition to be the nation’s favorite clown)

6)  Dancing with the Hobos

7)  Day in the Life of Insert Formerly Fabulous Now Elderly and Incompetent Movie Star, Singer, Other Entertainer

8)  Satan’s Breakfast Nook (It’s like Hell’s Kitchen, but an angry chef yells at you that you’re scrambling the eggs all wrong)

9)  Schmuck Island

10)  Antique Ninjas (Not old ninjas but ninjas who go antiquing)

Alien Jones hates stupidity and intergalactic fast food workers who forget to put his honey mustard sauce in the bag.

He’ll have to get his own honey mustard, but let’s him help him answer some questions.  Ask away.

As always, he’ll plug your book or blog in his answer.

Alien abduction image courtesy of a shutterstock.com license

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May 17 2015
6 Comments
Ask the Alien

Ask the Alien Special Edition – What is the Meaning of Life?

Greetings Earth Losers!

Don't forget AJ's dipping sauce.

Don’t forget AJ’s dipping sauce.

Alien Jones here, coming to you from somewhere deep in the cosmos where I am solving a most delicate situation of grave intergalactic importance:

Why did those imbeciles at Star Burger forget my honey mustard dipping sauce?

I hate that!  Don’t you?  Why, I have no bits and pieces so I can only assume, but I would imagine that dreaming of succulent trobonka bird tenders all day long only to get twenty light years from the restaurant and discover that you’re going to have to eat your dinner dry is more or less equivalent to being an Earth man, having Charlize Theron knock on your front door, demand to have her way with you but alas, you’ve been outfitted for a pair of iron under pants and the key has been tossed straight into the briney deep of the Pacific Ocean.

Apologies for the rant, Earth Losers.  Sometimes as an All-Knowing Being, it’s not easy for me to suffer fools lightly.

Or at all, really.  Next time I’m in that quadrant that Star Burger is totally getting vaporized.

For those just joining us, I am the intergalactic correspondent for this pitiful excuse for a blog.  My supreme overlord, the Mighty Potentate, has deemed that only Bookshelf Q. Battler’s writing abilities can save the universe from the spread of the blight on all mortal beings’ existence known as “reality television.”

Further, he has demanded that I assist BQB in his quest to attract an audience to his blog.  (Why he didn’t just ask me to bring a dinosaur back to life and dance the cha cha with it I don’t know but who am I to question the Mightiest of Potentates?)

In fact, the MP and I discussed this very subject this morning:

MP:  It won’t stop, Alien Jones!  “Trucker Rodeo!”  “Tuna Farm Warriors!”  “Rodeo Drive Debutants!”  “Biker Gang Crochet Party!”

AJ:  I’m sorry, Mighty Potentate.

MP:  You must get BQB’s writing career off the ground!  People won’t seek their entertainment from “Barbershop Quartet Rumble” when BQB’s stories hit the big time!

AJ:  Are you sure, Your Potentosity?  No offense, but this guy is kind of a nerd…

MP:  DO YOU DARE QUESTION THE MIGHTY POTENTATE?

AJ:  No!  No!  Of course not, Mighty Potentate!

MP:  Report on the status of “Operation Find BQB an Audience!”

AJ:  He’s started blogging a story in an ongoing serial format.

MP:  WHAT?  I THOUGHT I TOLD YOU TO MAKE HIM POST PHOTOS OF KIM KARDASHIAN AND MILEY CYRUS WRESTLING IN A VAT OF JELLO!

AJ:  I tried, sir.  He wouldn’t hear of it.  He said that cheap form of entertainment would go against your war on reality television.

MP:  Blast!  He’s right.  I have been out-potentated.

Anyway, telling you this was my way of reminding you that I’m available to answer your questions, thus fulfilling the Mighty Potentate’s other goal, to help lift your planet from its lowly state of stupidity.

One question you might have as you read BQB’s serial is, “What is the meaning of life?”

I’m not sure to answer that question without giving any SPOILERS relative to BQB’s story.  And I already ruined the surprise of that every star exploding thing so I don’t want to screw up your day twice.

I could answer this question with all kinds of flow charts and data but instead, let me just state simply:

What isn’t the meaning of life?

Food for thought, Earth losers.  And speaking of food, mine is still dry because some minimum space wage clown was TOO STUPID TO TOSS A HONEY MUSTARD CUP INTO A BAG!!!

Alien Jones is the Intergalactic Correspondent for the Bookshelf Battle Blog, on a mission to raise Earth’s collective intelligence levels one question at a time. Do you have a question for the Esteemed Brainy One? Tweet it to @bookshelfbattle on Twitter, leave it in the comments on bookshelfbattle.com, or stop by Bookshelf Battle on Google Plus. If he likes your question, he might even promote your book, blog, other project in his answer.

Alien image courtesy of a shutterstock.com license.

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May 13 2015
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Ask the Alien

Bookshelf Q. Battlestats

MEMO

Statistician Jones

Statistician Jones

TO:  Oh Great One, the Awe Inspiring Mighty Potentate, Who Causes All Beings to Quake in Their Boots

FROM:  Your Humble Servant, Alien Jones

RE: Bookshelf Q. Battlestats

All Hail the Mighty Potentate!  May your ganderflazer’s secretions be copious and frothy until time folds over on itself and the totality of universal existence starts all over again!

As requested, an update on your plan to assist Bookshelf Q. Battler become a successful writer, thus stemming the flow of reality programming that threatens your beloved scripted television.

This Friday, May 15, the Summer of Bookshelf begins.  Through a carefully plan series of hypnotic mind control experiments, I have convinced our noble blog host to provide a summer’s worth of serialized stories, in the hopes that he can find more than 3.5 readers.

“The State of the Bookshelf” as of May 13, 2014:

WORDPRESS FOLLOWERS: 969 (Ha! 69!  I’m sorry, Mighty Potentate.  I must be spending too much time amongst the humans).

TWITTER FOLLOWERS: 4,326

GOOGLE + FOLLOWERS: 377

It is my hope that this summer will help propel Bookshelf Q. Battler’s stats exponentially. Thus, I have asked the humans to do what they can to help as once BQB manages to figure out how to make folding paper money off his drivel, I shall be able to abandon this bogus assignment.

Err…I mean this wonderful opportunity.  Yes, all ideas that originate in the mind of the Mighty Potentate are joyous and splendid.

Fear not, Mighty Potentate, for I shall report post-summer stats in the Fall.

Your Humble Servant,

Alien Jones

Alien image courtesy a shutterstock.com license.

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May 13 2015
1 Comment
Ask the Alien

Alien Jones on How to Follow Bookshelf Q. Battler

Greetings Earth Losers!

Alien Jones, Intergalactic Columnist

Alien Jones, Intergalactic Columnist

Alien Jones here.  As you 3.5 readers are aware, I hail from the most intelligent species in the universe and therefore hold in my cranium a vast reserve of knowledge to answer your questions.

My planet’s Supreme Ruler, The Mighty Potentate, has commanded me to help Bookshelf Q. Battler usher in a new era of entertainment that will push back the scourge of reality television.

Yes, the Mighty Potentate loves his scripted TV and fears that if left unchecked, the reality menace will one day offend his eye receptacles.  No one wants a TV full of “Hollywood Housewives on Crack” or “Undercover Dentist” or “Who Wants to Marry a Schmuck?”

(Between you and me, I actually quite enjoyed Who Wants to Marry a Schmuck?  The schmuck was the best part.  Don’t tell the Mighty Potentate though.)

Anyway, this summer marks Bookshelf Q. Battler’s effort to bring more followers to the blog.  That’s fine by me because as soon as BQB starts getting paid for writing the Mighty Potentate will release me from my columnist duties.

How do I, a lowly human, follow Bookshelf Q. Battler?

TWITTER – @bookshelfbattle

GOOGLE+ – https://plus.google.com/+BookshelfBattleblog/posts

It’s not that it takes much effort to write this column.  My powerful mind allows me to perform hundreds of tasks simultaneously.

I just feel my brilliance needs to be exposed to more than 3.5 readers.

By the way, if you have a question, I’ll answer it, as I am also on a mission to raise Earth’s collective intelligence levels one answer at a time.

You can ask your questions through this site or the same Twitter and Google Plus info above.

The Mighty Potentate has declared your planet to be uber stupid.

No offense.

Alien image courtesy of a shutter stock.com license.

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May 01 2015
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Ask the Alien

A Public Service Announcement from Alien Jones

By:  Alien Jones, Intergalactic Correspondent

Greetings Earth Losers.  It is I, Alien Jones, the most intelligent being in the cosmos, here with an important public service announcement.

Beware the Moloklaxons - the Universe's Greatest Weirdoes

Beware the Moloklaxons – the Universe’s Greatest Weirdoes

Perhaps one day you one of you humans might turn off your TV, your computer, your cell phone, your iPad, your iWatch, or your iWhatever and do something crazy like, oh I don’t know, venture outside your dwelling and take in some your planet’s fresh air.

Actually, that’s not advisable as you clowns have evaporated your ozone layer, what with your body sprays and fancy butt perfumes and all, but I digress.

While your outside, you may encounter what we in the intergalactic exploration business refer to as an “Unidentified Flying Object.”

That’s a bit of a misnomer.  To you, it’s unidentified.  To us, it’s those damn Moloklaxons, the jerk faces of the universe.

While most civilized alien worlds banned the practice of abduction over a thousand years ago, the Moloklaxons feel there is nothing more hilarious to do on a Saturday night than to beam an unsuspecting human into their craft, fly all over the galaxy, perform disturbing nether region probes, then drop said human off in the middle of the nowhere, making sure to dose said human with a gallon of Kentucky bourbon so that the Earth authorities will write the abduction victim off as a drunkard or kook.

If you see such a spaceship in your vicinity – run!  And if the Moloklaxons tell you that they must abduct you in the name of intergalactic science, know this a hoax, as they are not acting in accordance with intergalactic law.

I’m glad I was able to clear up this important question, Earth losers.  Meanwhile, if you have any more questions, you should submit them to Bookshelf Q. Battler who will forward them to me.  Drop them in the comments on this blog, on BQB’s Google Plus, or tweet them to @bookshelfbattle

Finally, I’m contractually obligated to remind you that the epic blog serial story, “Bookshelf Q. Battler and the Meaning of Life” will begin right here on bookshelfbattle.com on May 15.

I’m not prominently featured in this tale so really, I could give three craps if you read it.

Alien Jones (aka Lord Alien of House Jones) is the Intergalactic Correspondent for the Bookshelf Battle Blog, on a mission to raise Earth’s collective intelligence levels one question at a time. Do you have a question for the Esteemed Brainy One? Tweet it to @bookshelfbattle on Twitter, leave it in the comments on bookshelfbattle.com, or stop by Bookshelf Battle on Google Plus. If he likes your question, he might even promote your book, blog, other project in his answer.

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Apr 26 2015
3 Comments
Ask the Alien

Ask the Alien – 4/26/15 – Iggy, Jennifer, and Daniel Waltz’ “The Water Travelers”

By:  Alien Jones, Intergalactic Columnist, Most Intelligent Being in the Universe

PREVIOUSLY ON ASK THE ALIEN:

AJ’s Relatives, Orcs, and Sci-Fi Gary

Alien artifacts and diseases!

Pixels!

AND NOW ASK THE ALIEN CONTINUES…

Sigil of House Jones

Greetings Earth Losers!  Alien Jones here beaming copious amounts of knowledge through the Bookshelf Battle Compound and straight into all of your computerized devices which, though they may seem highly advanced to you rubes, are actually considered children’s toys in most other parts of space.

Who has a question?  Come forward and declare your inquiry!

BQB:  Hey AJ.  It’s me.  Bookshelf Q. Battler.

AJ:  Oh Cripes.  Not many takers this week?

BQB:  Well, you’re the one who told me to stop bribing the winos.  But seriously, I have a question – what is the best song ever produced?

AJ:  Ahh, that is an excellent question but I could not possibly answer it.  There are so many, where would I begin?  Do I limit the field of inquiry to a particular genre?  To a group of artists?  To a select time period?  To a single planet?  The realm of possibility is so vast that…

BQB:  I’ll save you the “trouble.”  It’s Trouble by Iggy Azalea and Jennifer Hudson.

AJ:  You can’t just say that a song is the best song ever produced, why that’s….

BQB:  Sing it.

AJ:  No I couldn’t possibly…

BQB:  You know you want to.

AJ:  It would be indignified…

BQB:  Do it!

AJ:  I SHOULD HAVE KNOWN THAT YOU WERE BAD NEWS…FROM THE BAD BOY DEMEANOR AND THE TATTOOS….TAKE IT BOOKSHELF….

BQB:  DON’T YOU COME IN THINKIN’ YOU BALLIN….it’s so great isn’t it?

AJ:  It really is.  I stand corrected.  This song is the best song ever composed in the history of the space/time continuum.

BQB:  Makes Beethoven look like a pile of crap.

AJ:  We shall sing it during the commercials on Scandal night!

BQB:  Damn straight.  But first, you have a question…

Daniel Waltz, author of “The Water Travelers” asks:

ALIEN JONES,

Have you ever water traveled?

Oh Daniel, I see what you did there.  You worked the title of your book series into your question.  Good show!  For BQB’s 3.5 readers, I’ll note that your site provides a description of your latest installment, The Curse of Senapin. Here’s an excerpt:

“For the past six months, Aaron and Madi have been waiting to receive word from Yerowslii. But, when the King of Upitar is taken captive by Senapin forces, Aaron and Madi must flee their hiding place to rescue him. Although skeptical of it, they are accompanied by a disloyal ally, Ugine.”

– Daniel Waltz, The Water Travelers

Bookshelf Q. Battler and I can relate.  On our joint missions to make the Earth a more intelligent place, we’re often accompanied by The Yeti and he’s the most disloyal and ugly ally I’ve ever seen.

I was quite impressed with your book trailer:

https://youtu.be/JtcslPai7hE

BQB:  My socks were knocked right the hell off, AJ.  At first I was like, “Twenty one seconds?  That’s too short…”

AJ:  Yes, but “Adventure finds those who are brave enough to take the first step.”  That’s all you need to know.  If I had emotions, I’d be moved.

BQB:  Plus it’s read by someone who sounds like he could be a friggin’ Lord of the Rings wizard or something.  Very awesome.  Makes me want to rush right on over to Amazon and buy a zillion copies…

Now, at first I thought Daniel was just trying to find out if I like to water ski or snorkel or something (which I do) but he’s actually referring to a power discussed in the book that allows travel between another world and Earth through water.

To answer your question, no.  I don’t need to.  I’m a duly designated officer of the Intergalactic Space Force and as such I have a vast array of ships at my disposal, so there’s no reason to get my pants wet.  (When I bother to wear them.  I usually don’t because, you know, I’ve got nothing down there so what’s the point?)

Your book is very prophetic though because certain species have been “water traveling” for years.  In fact, there’s an entire planet where anchovies rule like kings, love like queens, laugh like jesters, and live like jacks.  Then they water travel on over to Earth and end up as a dinner entrée topping.  Don’t you feel bad now for putting them on your pizza?

BQB:  I don’t think anyone put anchovies on their pizza anymore AJ.  I think they just keep one can around for the random weirdo who wants a fishy pizza.

AJ:  Sounds like something The Yeti would be into.

Thank you for your question Daniel.  May your career as an author travel farther than the vast reaches of the cosmos.

Until next week, this is Alien Jones, signing off.

Alien Jones is the Intergalactic Correspondent for the Bookshelf Battle. Do you have a question for the Esteemed Brainy One? Submit it to Bookshelf Q. Battler via a tweet to @bookshelfbattle, leave it in the comment section on this site, or drop it off on the Bookshelf Battle Google + page. If AJ likes your question, he might promote your book, blog, or other project while providing his answer.

Submit your questions by midnight Friday each week for a chance to be featured in his Sunday column. And if you don’t like his response, just let him know and he’ll file it into the recycling bin of his monolithic super computer. No muss, no fuss, no problem.

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Apr 24 2015
3 Comments
Game of Yetis

Game of Yetis – Part 6 – House Alien

Previously on Game of Yetis:

PART 1 – House Bookshelf – Lord BQB hides out from the War for the Iron Throne, coming up with various excuses as to why he’s been unable to assist various claimants to the throne all the while positioning himself to declare allegiance to whoever emerges as the victor. Alas, a complication in his plan arises when a band of Yetis under the control of Lord Yeti abscond with his supplies of snacks and Dew of the Mountain.

PART 2 – House Yeti – Lord Yeti of House Yeti, the ruler of Yetifell, a territory North of the Wall, where abominable snowmen love to frolic because it is ridiculous cold, mocks his son Yetyrion, calling him a dwarf because he is 6’5″ (which is really short for a Yeti).

PART 3 – House Bookshelf – The usually not so easily rattled Lord BQB is enraged when he discovers that his supply of Special Edition Code Red Dew of the Mountain has been stolen by dirty yetis in the employ of Lord Yeti of House Yeti. Unable to purchase an army of eunuchs because Daenerys Stormborn bogarted them all, he turns to his trusty banner men. Alas, they were only in it for the Dew of the Mountain and now Lord BQB must fight this battle alone.

PART 4 – House Yeti – Lord Yeti is aghast when he spies white walkers on their way to Yetifell.

Part 5 – House Bookshelf – Lord BQB takes it easy as his elderly lackey, the decrepit Maester Monty pulls his master across the countryside all the way to Riverrun, the land of House Tully.  Along the way, Lord BQB confides in Monty that he has long dreamed he would one day meet an enormous warrior woman, one capable of providing him with love and vanquishing his enemies.  Lord BQB refuses to take a wife until he meets such a lady.

And now Game of Yetis continues…

Across the Narrow Sea, a tiny being walked through the marketplace, his face obscured by a weathered cloth hood.  He was weary from a long voyage and his feet ached for rest.  He took a seat inside a tavern and ordered an ale.

“Hey!”

The small figure ignored the brooding hulk who, despite without so much as an invention, took a chair across the little one’s table.

“Hey half-man!”  the brute said.  “Take off your hood!”

The small being refused to look up.  Instead, he sighed the sigh of a creature who, on a daily was forced to realize that the burden of being the smartest one in the room would always belong to him.

“You deaf or something?”  the man said.  “Take off your hood or I’ll cut it off for you along with your head!  Queen Cersei’s put out a hefty reward for her brother the imp’s head and I’ll be damned if you aren’t just about Lord Tyrion’s size!”

Seeing that it was pointless to wait for the little one to comply, the man reached a big burly hand across the table, intent on pulling the hood off.  Just then, quicker than a flash of lighting, the small one threw off his cloak, withdrew a laser blaster, and incinerated the intruder until there was nothing left but a pile of ash.

The last thing the would-be bounty hunter saw?  The face of an alien – two almond shaped eyes and a ginormous cranium.

“Gadzooks,” the alien said.  “It’s getting so that a highly evolved being can’t even have a drink in peace around here.

The alien ran a three-fingered hand over his wine glass and sucked the wine particles into the air and up into his pores.

“Aww,”  the alien said as he emitted an obnoxious burp.  “That is, how I believe they say on this primitive planet, ‘the good shit.'”

“Caw!  Caw!”

A raven landed on the table carrying a scroll in its beak.  The messenger bird dropped it on the table but refused to leave.

“Thank you,”  the alien said.  “You may go now.”

“Caw!  Caw!  Tip!  Caw!”

The alien wished he had the type of eyes that could roll.

“Here’s a tip,”  he said as he pointed a finger to his laser blaster.  “Flap your wings outta this joint before I put fried raven on the menu!”

“Caw!  Caw!  Cheap ass!  Caw!”

And with that, the raven skeedaddled out the window, leaving the alien to unravel the parchment across the table.

It read:

LORD BOOKSHELF Q. BATTLER:  Salutations, Lord Alien of House Jones!  This week’s “Ask the Alien” question comes from Mereen!

@DothrakiDragonMama4Eva tweeted:

“Alien Jones – how u trn dragnz?  Helps!  LOLZ!”

Lord Alien put his cloak back on, left the barkeep a coin for the wine and another for the ashy mess he left and exited the establishment.

This was a question that required a house call.

Sigil of House Jones

Alien Jones (aka Lord Alien of House Jones) is the Intergalactic Correspondent for the Bookshelf Battle Blog, on a mission to raise Earth’s collective intelligence levels one question at a time.  Do you have a question for the Esteemed Brainy One?  Tweet it to @bookshelfbattle on Twitter, leave it in the comments on bookshelfbattle.com, or stop by Bookshelf Battle on Google Plus.  If he likes your question, he might even promote your book, blog, other project in his answer.

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Apr 19 2015
10 Comments
Ask the Alien

Ask the Alien – 4/19/15

Previously on Ask the Alien:

Alien artifacts and diseases!

Pixels!

And now Ask the Alien continues…

Greetings Earth Losers.  The greatest and most humble mind of the universe, here to answer your questions and save you all from your own incompetence.

Sigil of House Jones

BOOKSHELF Q. BATTLER:  AJ!  It’s a real humdinger of a week here on Bookshelf Battle!  We have three, count ’em, a whopping 3 questions for you!

ALIEN JONES:  Holy Farzing Shazbo.  Have you been bribing winos off the street again?

BQB:  No!  They’re people!  Actual real people!

The first question this week comes from Mei-Mei of jedibyknight.com who asks:

“Lord Alien, love your house sigil/motto. Can you tell us about one of your distinguished ancestors of House Jones? Or one of the crazy ones, either way.”

Gadzooks.  That stupid sigil.  Who knew when I signed up to be a guest contributor for this blog I’d be required to participate in promotions, such as this Ren Faire disaster nonsense that Bookshelf Q. Battler will have going on until June.

BQB:  I actually do it all year round.  I only display it prominently for GOT from April-June.

ALIEN JONES:  You probably don’t want to admit that.

Anyway, I’m not privy to “Lord BQB’s” final draft, but I’m sure I’m the only Alien who makes an appearance in :::shudder::: “Game of Yetis.”

In the real world, a place that BQB should consider visiting once in awhile, aliens of my planet are cloned in a government lab and assigned a designation number.  Some of my favorite family members?

Cousin 1012049AZ1 – Ah good old Cousin 1012049AZ1.  Many a day we spent scanning for signs of intelligent life in the cosmos.  We’re still scanning.

Uncle 3XC5056089 – If I felt emotions, I imagine I’d be brimming with pride over the exploits of good old Uncle 3X.  Took down a Maloklaxon freighter with nothing but a wad of chewing gum, a paper clip, three boxes of what you call baking soda, a pair of ladies’ pantyhose (don’t ask me how he got them) and some twine.  He’s been on the Maloklaxon Most Wanted List ever since but that’s ok, because between you and me, the Maloklaxons are considered the a-holes of the universe.

Great Grandpa 19191919RFT – The black sheep of the family.  Only cured three diseases and developed two inventions.  Talk about an underachiever.  Bleh.

Thank you for your question, Mei-Mei.

NEXT QUESTION!

ALIEN JONES:  Who’s this guy?

BQB:  He’s Sci-Fi Gary!  Everybody knows Sci-Fi Gary!

ALIEN JONES:  Scanning memory banks.  Ahh…yes!  Of course Sci-Fi Gary!

As an all-knowing Alien, I was born with an inner-knowledge of every book ever written, as well as those yet to be written.  I even know about all those half-written manuscripts you all can’t finish because you’re too busy watching Mad Men.

BQB:  You know I’ve invested eight years of my life in that show and it looks like Don’s going to marry a random waitress in the end?

ALIEN JONES:  It’s Dexter all over again!

Back to Gary.  I took a peak at Amazon Author page for Gary Alan Ruse, which features many of his novels originally published in the 1970’s and 1980’s.

I’ll have you know that Bookshelf Q. Battler was a big fan of 1980’s sci-fi.  He used to watch that movie where Tom Selleck shot the robo-spiders on a continuous loop as a kid.

BQB:  Runaway

ALIEN JONES:  I would if I could but my agent says I’m locked into writing this damn column forever.

Anyway, I highly advise that you check out Gary’s stuff.  My faves:

  • Morlac – The Quest of the Green Magician
  • The Gods of Cerus Major
  • Aggie and Agent X – the cover features an alien in a trench coat who bears a striking resemblance to my old college roommate
  • Houndstooth – a secret project in which a chip is put into a dog’s brain

BQB:  Alien Jones, can you put a chip into Bookshelf Q. Battledog’s brain to keep him from using Bookshelf Battle Headquarters as his personal toilet?

ALIEN JONES:  I could but it would turn him rabid.

BQB:  Nothing new.  Hey, on a serious note, isn’t it great that authors who have had publishing success in the past have been able to use sites like Amazon to sell books to a whole new generation?

ALIEN JONES:  Indeed.  Thank you for your question, Gary.  Continue spreading your tales of intergalactic daring-do.  The comments and reviews on your books tell me you’re a respected author who has built a loyal following.

NEXT QUESTION!

ALIEN JONES:  Zounds.  A third question?  I demand a raise.

BQB:  OK.  I’ll double the nothing I pay you now.

Kai Delmas of the blog, “Of Orcs and Men” writes:

“I write a story blog about a war between orcs and humans. It’s called “Of Orcs and Men”. I thought AJ could help promote it and while he’s at it, with his infinite wisdom, he could answer some questions about orcs that I was wondering about.”

Ah yes.  Of Orcs and Men.  The first draft of Steinbeck’s classic tale of two hulking beastly creatures who roam about the Californian countryside, looking for work and getting into trouble due to Lenny the Orc’s dimwittery.  Steinbeck didn’t think it worked with both characters being big, dumb and stupid so he rewrote it as “Of Mice and Men” with both characters as humans and George being smaller and smarter.

1. Are there orcs or other fantastical creatures on other planets in the universe?

Yes.  We enjoy fantasy just as humans do.  On my planet, there is a show called Game of Brains.  It imagines a fantasy planet Earth, where the humans have them.  They never watch reality television, people are only famous if they achieve something, and stuffed crust pizza is banned.  You can your cheese on the pizza but in the crust?  Insanity!

I admit, there are some far-fetched plots on that show.  Here’s an except from last week’s show:

PETE:  Say Fred, we each practice a different religion, but let’s not start a war over it, ok?

FRED:  That’s a very sensible idea, Pete.  No need for people to die just because I pray to one man in the sky and you pray to another.

PETE:  Capital idea, Fred!  Another notion – let’s have an election where both sides provide their thoughts and points of view on various issues and leave it up to the people to decide without a constant need to paint one side or the other as a bunch of vile, baby’s candy stealing, puppy kicking lowlives?

FRED:  That makes sense, Pete.  At the end of the day, we all want we believe is best for the world.  We can voice our opinions, but there’s no need to be monsters over it.

Ahh…good old Game of Brains.  The highest rated fantasy comedy on my home planet.

2. If yes, are they smarter than us primitive earthlings?

Until we locate another planet where the inhabitants wear pajama pants to public shopping centers, I’m sorry to say that Earth wears the dunce cap of the cosmos.

3. Who does he think would win such a war between orcs and men? (Medieval times)

Men.  And hobbits.  And dwarves.  And elves.  J.R.R. Tolkien was trying to tell you all the truth about your planet’s early history.  All of his books were actually written as documentaries.

Thanks and have a wonderful stay on our planet. It’s not much, but we’re doing the best we can with our limited cerebral resources. 😉

Appreciated.  Earth?  I rarely visit that dump.  I do most of my blogging from my ship.  Once in awhile I will visit Bookshelf Q. Battler’s compound to watch Scandal.  

Aliens love Scandal.

Alien Jones is the Intergalactic Correspondent for the Bookshelf Battle. Do you have a question for the Esteemed Brainy One? Submit it to Bookshelf Q. Battler via a tweet to @bookshelfbattle, leave it in the comment section on this site, or drop it off on the Bookshelf Battle Google + page. If AJ likes your question, he might promote your book, blog, or other project while providing his answer.

Submit your questions by midnight Friday each week for a chance to be featured in his Sunday column. And if you don’t like his response, just let him know and he’ll file it into the recycling bin of his monolithic super computer. No muss, no fuss, no problem.

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