BOOKSHELF Q. BATTLER: All right then. Settle down now. I know you’ve all come to hear the exciting 
news, but there’s no need to act like a bunch of uncouth barbarians, is there?
Good afternoon, ladies and gentlemen of the press.
In early March, due to a pathetic performance of his duties, Bookshelf Q. Battle Dog, Head of Bookshelf Battle Headquarters Security, failed miserably in his mission to secure the premises and allowed my arch enemy, The Yeti, to enter.
Upon spying the intruder, I did what any civilized gentleman would do. I challenged him to a best two out of three roundhouse kick to the face competition. Whoever landed two direct kicks to the opponent’s face first would be allowed to stay.
The Yeti, who is more intelligent than his poor grooming habits would have you think, made use of a loophole by kicking me in the face with both feet at the same time. Amazingly, he still managed to do it roundhouse style. Two feet on my face in one turn allowed him to remain in my compound and take me as a hostage and my abode as his own.
The Yeti, as you may recall, believes that all should leave a bland, boring life – one free of excitement and intrigue. I, on the other hand, with my witty stories and fabulous posts, spread joy to the hearts of my 3.5 readers everyday.
Don’t believe me? Just read this review of my blog written by a total stranger I have absolutely never met before:
The Bookshelf Battle Blog doesn’t completely suck.
Sincerely,
Not Bookshelf Q. Battler’s Aunt Gertie
Thank you Stranger Who is Not Aunt Gertie.
Shortly after determining that The Yeti was, in fact, a Cheater Cheater Pumpkin Eater, I challenged him with another bet. I wagered that I could get 4,000 followers on twitter. If I got them, he had to leave. We never negotiated what he’d get if I failed because, you know, he’s a stupid yeti.
The Yeti, confident that I could never acquire such a cornucopia of followers, took that action. Today, I am proud to say I have 4000 followers. 4008 the last time I checked.
The Yeti has now been defeated, my honor restored, and Bookshelf Battle HQ is once again secure.
I will now take your questions.
REPORTER #1 – BQB, Joe Fakenamer for Who Cares Digest here.
BQB: A fine publication.
REPORTER #1 – Now that you have proven that you are, in fact, better in every way than The Yeti, will you cast him out of Bookshelf Battle HQ as promised?
BQB: No.
GASPS ALL AROUND
BQB: Joe, we as writers need to be professional and courteous to everyone, even our worst critics. The Yeti, who once lived in Siberia and shared a tent with three hundred other Yetis, has become used to American culture. Frankly, he’s a pampered Yeti know and I can’t just send him out on his own. I will allow him to stay at BQB HQ indefinitely.
REPORTER 2 – Emily Hotchkiss of Woogy Waggy Times here. What would you say to critics who claim you’re a two-bit hack who just uses “The Yeti” as a prop for when you’ve run out of things to say in during your ill-advised one post a day challenge.
BQB: I’d say they’re not inaccurate.
REPORTER #2 – Huh?
BQB: What?
So there you have it folks. The Yeti will now live in the basement and I will begin the long process of having a team of 1000 hair removal experts remove all of the hair from the remainder of the compound.
Continue to tune in as hi jinx are likely to ensue when two mortal enemies live under the same roof.
Newspaper graphic courtesy of Vasco Soares on openclipart.org
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