Tag Archives: bookbloggers

Apr 25 2015
4 Comments
BQB and the Meaning of Life

Guest Submissions

As previously mentioned, the Summer of Bookshelf is coming soon.  BQB will be churning out the 1371251154-2content at a fast and furious pace determined to win the writer’s battle along with his ongoing bookshelf battle.

One of two serialized stories will be “Bookshelf Q Battler and The Meaning of Life.”

I’m thinking about seeking guest blog posts in which writers answer the question – “What is The Meaning of Life?”

My story will be broken up into small chunks, easily consumed on a daily basis throughout the summer.  Occasionally, it would be great to break it up with some guest submissions vis a vis this illusive question.

I haven’t decided the parameters yet and am still thinking it through, but in the meantime, it would be great to reach out and get initial reactions.

If you’re interested, let me know in the comments.  If enough people show an interest, I’ll make another post explaining it all.

As always, thanks for reading.  You’re all the bees knees.

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Apr 25 2015
2 Comments
Self Publishing

Self Publishing Podcast Interview of Andy Weir – Author of “The Martian”

Let’s face it.

We all say, “oh, I’m just in it for the art!” but deep down, we all secretly hope, dream and fantasize that The_Martian_2014one day our writing will be embraced by the masses, a big pile of money will be dumped on our heads, and our work will be read by everyone and turned into a Hollywood movie!

Well, as it turns out, that happened for Andy Weir, author of The Martian.

Andy was on the Self Publishing Podcast this week with “Johnny, Sean and Dave” aka Johnny B. Truant, Sean Platt and David W. Wright.

Keep one thing in mind, aspiring scribes – success in the writing game doesn’t happen overnight.

Andy discussed how he’s been at it for years – that he’s been blogging since the early 2000’s, how he spent a long time seeking a traditional publishing deal with no success, that initially wrote “The Martian” as a serial on his blog, that his followers urged him to turn said serial into an ebook on Amazon and boom, it took off.  Now he’s a highly successful author and a movie based on his book starring Matt Damon is scheduled for release at the end of this year.

The important thing to note?  Yes, some people are very lucky and see those doors to success swing wide open for them early on.  And good for them.  Others, like Andy, had to painstakingly climb that ladder one rung at a time.

After hearing his story, I can’t think of someone more deserving.  He really put his work in and earned his success.

As always, Johnny, Sean and Dave bringing us a great show.  And they didn’t even veer off topic this time!

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Apr 24 2015
3 Comments
Game of Yetis

Game of Yetis – Part 6 – House Alien

Previously on Game of Yetis:

PART 1 – House Bookshelf – Lord BQB hides out from the War for the Iron Throne, coming up with various excuses as to why he’s been unable to assist various claimants to the throne all the while positioning himself to declare allegiance to whoever emerges as the victor. Alas, a complication in his plan arises when a band of Yetis under the control of Lord Yeti abscond with his supplies of snacks and Dew of the Mountain.

PART 2 – House Yeti – Lord Yeti of House Yeti, the ruler of Yetifell, a territory North of the Wall, where abominable snowmen love to frolic because it is ridiculous cold, mocks his son Yetyrion, calling him a dwarf because he is 6’5″ (which is really short for a Yeti).

PART 3 – House Bookshelf – The usually not so easily rattled Lord BQB is enraged when he discovers that his supply of Special Edition Code Red Dew of the Mountain has been stolen by dirty yetis in the employ of Lord Yeti of House Yeti. Unable to purchase an army of eunuchs because Daenerys Stormborn bogarted them all, he turns to his trusty banner men. Alas, they were only in it for the Dew of the Mountain and now Lord BQB must fight this battle alone.

PART 4 – House Yeti – Lord Yeti is aghast when he spies white walkers on their way to Yetifell.

Part 5 – House Bookshelf – Lord BQB takes it easy as his elderly lackey, the decrepit Maester Monty pulls his master across the countryside all the way to Riverrun, the land of House Tully.  Along the way, Lord BQB confides in Monty that he has long dreamed he would one day meet an enormous warrior woman, one capable of providing him with love and vanquishing his enemies.  Lord BQB refuses to take a wife until he meets such a lady.

And now Game of Yetis continues…

Across the Narrow Sea, a tiny being walked through the marketplace, his face obscured by a weathered cloth hood.  He was weary from a long voyage and his feet ached for rest.  He took a seat inside a tavern and ordered an ale.

“Hey!”

The small figure ignored the brooding hulk who, despite without so much as an invention, took a chair across the little one’s table.

“Hey half-man!”  the brute said.  “Take off your hood!”

The small being refused to look up.  Instead, he sighed the sigh of a creature who, on a daily was forced to realize that the burden of being the smartest one in the room would always belong to him.

“You deaf or something?”  the man said.  “Take off your hood or I’ll cut it off for you along with your head!  Queen Cersei’s put out a hefty reward for her brother the imp’s head and I’ll be damned if you aren’t just about Lord Tyrion’s size!”

Seeing that it was pointless to wait for the little one to comply, the man reached a big burly hand across the table, intent on pulling the hood off.  Just then, quicker than a flash of lighting, the small one threw off his cloak, withdrew a laser blaster, and incinerated the intruder until there was nothing left but a pile of ash.

The last thing the would-be bounty hunter saw?  The face of an alien – two almond shaped eyes and a ginormous cranium.

“Gadzooks,” the alien said.  “It’s getting so that a highly evolved being can’t even have a drink in peace around here.

The alien ran a three-fingered hand over his wine glass and sucked the wine particles into the air and up into his pores.

“Aww,”  the alien said as he emitted an obnoxious burp.  “That is, how I believe they say on this primitive planet, ‘the good shit.'”

“Caw!  Caw!”

A raven landed on the table carrying a scroll in its beak.  The messenger bird dropped it on the table but refused to leave.

“Thank you,”  the alien said.  “You may go now.”

“Caw!  Caw!  Tip!  Caw!”

The alien wished he had the type of eyes that could roll.

“Here’s a tip,”  he said as he pointed a finger to his laser blaster.  “Flap your wings outta this joint before I put fried raven on the menu!”

“Caw!  Caw!  Cheap ass!  Caw!”

And with that, the raven skeedaddled out the window, leaving the alien to unravel the parchment across the table.

It read:

LORD BOOKSHELF Q. BATTLER:  Salutations, Lord Alien of House Jones!  This week’s “Ask the Alien” question comes from Mereen!

@DothrakiDragonMama4Eva tweeted:

“Alien Jones – how u trn dragnz?  Helps!  LOLZ!”

Lord Alien put his cloak back on, left the barkeep a coin for the wine and another for the ashy mess he left and exited the establishment.

This was a question that required a house call.

Sigil of House Jones

Alien Jones (aka Lord Alien of House Jones) is the Intergalactic Correspondent for the Bookshelf Battle Blog, on a mission to raise Earth’s collective intelligence levels one question at a time.  Do you have a question for the Esteemed Brainy One?  Tweet it to @bookshelfbattle on Twitter, leave it in the comments on bookshelfbattle.com, or stop by Bookshelf Battle on Google Plus.  If he likes your question, he might even promote your book, blog, other project in his answer.

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Apr 19 2015
10 Comments
Ask the Alien

Ask the Alien – 4/19/15

Previously on Ask the Alien:

Alien artifacts and diseases!

Pixels!

And now Ask the Alien continues…

Greetings Earth Losers.  The greatest and most humble mind of the universe, here to answer your questions and save you all from your own incompetence.

Sigil of House Jones

BOOKSHELF Q. BATTLER:  AJ!  It’s a real humdinger of a week here on Bookshelf Battle!  We have three, count ’em, a whopping 3 questions for you!

ALIEN JONES:  Holy Farzing Shazbo.  Have you been bribing winos off the street again?

BQB:  No!  They’re people!  Actual real people!

The first question this week comes from Mei-Mei of jedibyknight.com who asks:

“Lord Alien, love your house sigil/motto. Can you tell us about one of your distinguished ancestors of House Jones? Or one of the crazy ones, either way.”

Gadzooks.  That stupid sigil.  Who knew when I signed up to be a guest contributor for this blog I’d be required to participate in promotions, such as this Ren Faire disaster nonsense that Bookshelf Q. Battler will have going on until June.

BQB:  I actually do it all year round.  I only display it prominently for GOT from April-June.

ALIEN JONES:  You probably don’t want to admit that.

Anyway, I’m not privy to “Lord BQB’s” final draft, but I’m sure I’m the only Alien who makes an appearance in :::shudder::: “Game of Yetis.”

In the real world, a place that BQB should consider visiting once in awhile, aliens of my planet are cloned in a government lab and assigned a designation number.  Some of my favorite family members?

Cousin 1012049AZ1 – Ah good old Cousin 1012049AZ1.  Many a day we spent scanning for signs of intelligent life in the cosmos.  We’re still scanning.

Uncle 3XC5056089 – If I felt emotions, I imagine I’d be brimming with pride over the exploits of good old Uncle 3X.  Took down a Maloklaxon freighter with nothing but a wad of chewing gum, a paper clip, three boxes of what you call baking soda, a pair of ladies’ pantyhose (don’t ask me how he got them) and some twine.  He’s been on the Maloklaxon Most Wanted List ever since but that’s ok, because between you and me, the Maloklaxons are considered the a-holes of the universe.

Great Grandpa 19191919RFT – The black sheep of the family.  Only cured three diseases and developed two inventions.  Talk about an underachiever.  Bleh.

Thank you for your question, Mei-Mei.

NEXT QUESTION!

ALIEN JONES:  Who’s this guy?

BQB:  He’s Sci-Fi Gary!  Everybody knows Sci-Fi Gary!

ALIEN JONES:  Scanning memory banks.  Ahh…yes!  Of course Sci-Fi Gary!

As an all-knowing Alien, I was born with an inner-knowledge of every book ever written, as well as those yet to be written.  I even know about all those half-written manuscripts you all can’t finish because you’re too busy watching Mad Men.

BQB:  You know I’ve invested eight years of my life in that show and it looks like Don’s going to marry a random waitress in the end?

ALIEN JONES:  It’s Dexter all over again!

Back to Gary.  I took a peak at Amazon Author page for Gary Alan Ruse, which features many of his novels originally published in the 1970’s and 1980’s.

I’ll have you know that Bookshelf Q. Battler was a big fan of 1980’s sci-fi.  He used to watch that movie where Tom Selleck shot the robo-spiders on a continuous loop as a kid.

BQB:  Runaway

ALIEN JONES:  I would if I could but my agent says I’m locked into writing this damn column forever.

Anyway, I highly advise that you check out Gary’s stuff.  My faves:

  • Morlac – The Quest of the Green Magician
  • The Gods of Cerus Major
  • Aggie and Agent X – the cover features an alien in a trench coat who bears a striking resemblance to my old college roommate
  • Houndstooth – a secret project in which a chip is put into a dog’s brain

BQB:  Alien Jones, can you put a chip into Bookshelf Q. Battledog’s brain to keep him from using Bookshelf Battle Headquarters as his personal toilet?

ALIEN JONES:  I could but it would turn him rabid.

BQB:  Nothing new.  Hey, on a serious note, isn’t it great that authors who have had publishing success in the past have been able to use sites like Amazon to sell books to a whole new generation?

ALIEN JONES:  Indeed.  Thank you for your question, Gary.  Continue spreading your tales of intergalactic daring-do.  The comments and reviews on your books tell me you’re a respected author who has built a loyal following.

NEXT QUESTION!

ALIEN JONES:  Zounds.  A third question?  I demand a raise.

BQB:  OK.  I’ll double the nothing I pay you now.

Kai Delmas of the blog, “Of Orcs and Men” writes:

“I write a story blog about a war between orcs and humans. It’s called “Of Orcs and Men”. I thought AJ could help promote it and while he’s at it, with his infinite wisdom, he could answer some questions about orcs that I was wondering about.”

Ah yes.  Of Orcs and Men.  The first draft of Steinbeck’s classic tale of two hulking beastly creatures who roam about the Californian countryside, looking for work and getting into trouble due to Lenny the Orc’s dimwittery.  Steinbeck didn’t think it worked with both characters being big, dumb and stupid so he rewrote it as “Of Mice and Men” with both characters as humans and George being smaller and smarter.

1. Are there orcs or other fantastical creatures on other planets in the universe?

Yes.  We enjoy fantasy just as humans do.  On my planet, there is a show called Game of Brains.  It imagines a fantasy planet Earth, where the humans have them.  They never watch reality television, people are only famous if they achieve something, and stuffed crust pizza is banned.  You can your cheese on the pizza but in the crust?  Insanity!

I admit, there are some far-fetched plots on that show.  Here’s an except from last week’s show:

PETE:  Say Fred, we each practice a different religion, but let’s not start a war over it, ok?

FRED:  That’s a very sensible idea, Pete.  No need for people to die just because I pray to one man in the sky and you pray to another.

PETE:  Capital idea, Fred!  Another notion – let’s have an election where both sides provide their thoughts and points of view on various issues and leave it up to the people to decide without a constant need to paint one side or the other as a bunch of vile, baby’s candy stealing, puppy kicking lowlives?

FRED:  That makes sense, Pete.  At the end of the day, we all want we believe is best for the world.  We can voice our opinions, but there’s no need to be monsters over it.

Ahh…good old Game of Brains.  The highest rated fantasy comedy on my home planet.

2. If yes, are they smarter than us primitive earthlings?

Until we locate another planet where the inhabitants wear pajama pants to public shopping centers, I’m sorry to say that Earth wears the dunce cap of the cosmos.

3. Who does he think would win such a war between orcs and men? (Medieval times)

Men.  And hobbits.  And dwarves.  And elves.  J.R.R. Tolkien was trying to tell you all the truth about your planet’s early history.  All of his books were actually written as documentaries.

Thanks and have a wonderful stay on our planet. It’s not much, but we’re doing the best we can with our limited cerebral resources. 😉

Appreciated.  Earth?  I rarely visit that dump.  I do most of my blogging from my ship.  Once in awhile I will visit Bookshelf Q. Battler’s compound to watch Scandal.  

Aliens love Scandal.

Alien Jones is the Intergalactic Correspondent for the Bookshelf Battle. Do you have a question for the Esteemed Brainy One? Submit it to Bookshelf Q. Battler via a tweet to @bookshelfbattle, leave it in the comment section on this site, or drop it off on the Bookshelf Battle Google + page. If AJ likes your question, he might promote your book, blog, or other project while providing his answer.

Submit your questions by midnight Friday each week for a chance to be featured in his Sunday column. And if you don’t like his response, just let him know and he’ll file it into the recycling bin of his monolithic super computer. No muss, no fuss, no problem.

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Apr 18 2015
3 Comments
Literary Quotes

Holden Caulfield on Books

“What really knocks me out is a book that, when you’re all done reading it, you wish the author that wrote it was a terrific friend of yours and you could call him up on the phone whenever you felt like it. That doesn’t happen much, though.”

– Holden Caulfield, the protagonist of J.D. Salinger’s A Catcher in the Rye

20010-DEFAULT-l

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Apr 17 2015
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Self Publishing

State of the Bookshelf – 4/17/15

Ladies and gentlemen, loyal 3.5 readers, and Aunt Gertie – Machovka-Writing Thank you for joining me in this, my latest “State of the Bookshelf” report.

Before I begin, I’d like to point out that as of this post, I am 5 followers away from meeting the Yeti’s demand of 4000 Twitter followers.  I’m sure those 5 stragglers will come my anyway any moment now.

For those new to the blog, Bookshelf Battle Headquarters was invaded in March by “The Yeti.”  The Yeti believes everyone should live a bland, boring life and is therefore my arch enemy, as I am on a mission to spread badassery to the masses.

You folks cared about me so much that you only allowed me to struggle in the clutches of a foul abominable snowman for a month and a half until reaching his ransom demands. That’s not sarcasm.  I appreciate the follows.  I thought you people would just leave me to the Yeti’s devices forever, so a month and a half isn’t bad.

Now, onto the State of the Bookshelf.

I’m in the middle of a one post a day for 2015 challenge.  Let’s check the stats:

2014 (Started in June, did not really begin blogging in earnest until June and then only did it once in awhile, occasionally letting weeks or more go by with nothing):

VIEWS: 4,658

VISITORS: 3,264

2015 (As of April 17, 2015, after approximately 3.5 months of blogging once a day, and often more than once a day):

VIEWS: 8,531

VISITORS: 5,055

ANALYSIS:  I think the obvious takeaway is that blogging regularly works.  In a little over one quarter, I’ve doubled the views I received last year, and I have close to 2,000 more visitors. Ultimately, I’ve beaten the pants off of my 2014 results and the year is far from over. Are these stats good?  I have no idea.  If you know about website stats, feel free to enlighten me please.  Any advice is helpful.

PROS:

  • I’m building an audience.  At least I hope I am.  The whole goal of this has been to build a following that I can (no offense) one day sell books to.
  • I’m flexing my writing muscles and learning new things everyday.
  • It makes me happy to have a creative outlet, albeit a small one.

CONS:

  • With the daily posts, I can barely find time to work on said book.  This is a real chicken vs. egg scenario.  I’m building an audience with no book to sell them, but I need an audience before I shell out all the money needed to polish a book and make it professional looking.  (Oh yeah, and I also need to write it).
  • I hate to admit this one, but there are times when I feel I am sacrificing quality for quantity.  Once in awhile, I’ll look over posts and see errors I missed and feel mortified.  I consider myself a professional, or at least am striving to be one.  I’m not the type of author who is like, “What?  Give me a break!  It’s just a typo!”  No.  I’m the author who says, “I’m sorry.  I failed you, noble reader.  Please direct all well-deserved wrath my way.”
  • Unfortunately, when you’re pushing out daily content in a rapid manner, those mistakes are inevitable.  If you see one, let me know.  Don’t worry about being rude.  My skin is thicker than an alligator’s hide.

On that last point, I’m considering this a building year. At my core, I’m a businessman.  I know we don’t like to mix “business” and “art” but I have a tendency to take a business-like approach to all life’s activities.

In short, I put out what I get in.

Say you want in on the lemonade business.  Do you buy an entire lemon orchard and rent a store the size of a Wal-Mart?  Do you hire 500 employees?  Do you produce 1,000 tanker trucks full of lemonade?

I dunno about you, but I’d probably start with a few pitchers and a card table at the end of my driveway.  I’d hone my lemonade making skills, be encouraged by neighbors who find my lemonade to be delicious, and work toward scraping a few bucks together for a small storefront.

That’s my longwinded way of saying that this year I’m building the Bookshelf Battle audience. Next year, the audience (I believe) will be here and I’ll have to shift my focus from quantity to quality.  That will mean blogging less, spending more time on fewer but higher quality posts and get my butt in gear on that long dreamed of novel. And (keeping my fingers crossed) maybe even investing a few bucks in the blog.

Top idea on my mind?  Getting some artwork of The Yeti, Alien Jones, and Yours Truly, Bookshelf Q. Battler.

Next year I’ll be shuffling through this year’s posts, revamping and polishing the ones that have made the cut and building a portfolio that will hopefully increase traffic.  Meanwhile, the posts that were just daily filler will have to go the way of the dodo.

Thank you for being patient with me.  Put up with occasional lameness this year and this site will blow your socks off with an industrial hairdryer in 2016.

Let me leave you with one final “Pro vs. Con.”

PRO:  We live in a brave new world where technology allows writers to hold the fate of their careers in their hands.

CON:  Years ago, I accepted the fact that success as a writer was akin to success at winning the lottery.  Those people who threw caution to the wind and made the pursuit of that ticket their life’s work are admirable but the idea that a nobody like me would trot off to NYC or LA and sweet talk big wig media types into selling my writing was about as likely as Fast and Furious 7 winning an Oscar (although it totally should!)

It was easy to say, “Well, I’m not one of those beautiful people who can go to a cocktail party and schmooze publishers and agents into thinking I’m a genius, so I guess it’s the average life for me!”

I can’t say that anymore.

When I look in the mirror, I see the man who’s standing between me a successful writing career.

And that guy’s really pissing me off lately.

Thanks a lot, technology.

Writing graphic courtesy of Machovka on openclipart.org

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Apr 17 2015
3 Comments
Game of Yetis

Game of Yetis – Part 5 – House Bookshelf

Previously on Game of Yetis:

PART 1 – House Bookshelf – Lord BQB hides out from the War for the Iron Throne, coming up with various excuses as to why he’s been unable to assist various claimants to the throne all the while positioning himself to declare allegiance to whoever emerges as the victor. Alas, a complication in his plan arises when a band of Yetis under the control of Lord Yeti abscond with his supplies of snacks and Dew of the Mountain.

PART 2 – House Yeti – Lord Yeti of House Yeti, the ruler of Yetifell, a territory North of the Wall, where abominable snowmen love to frolic because it is ridiculous cold, mocks his son Yetyrion, calling him a dwarf because he is 6’5″ (which is really short for a Yeti).

PART 3 – House Bookshelf – The usually not so easily rattled Lord BQB is enraged when he discovers that his supply of Special Edition Code Red Dew of the Mountain has been stolen by dirty yetis in the employ of Lord Yeti of House Yeti. Unable to purchase an army of eunuchs because Daenerys Stormborn bogarted them all, he turns to his trusty banner men. Alas, they were only in it for the Dew of the Mountain and now Lord BQB must fight this battle alone.

PART 4 – House Yeti – Lord Yeti is aghast when he spies white walkers on their way to Yetifell.

And now Game of Yetis continues…

“This journey has been agonizing, Maester Monty.  I’m not sure if I can put up with this any longer.”

Maester Monty wiped beads of sweat off his brow and stopped to rest.  The old man was out of breath and felt feint.

“I didn’t say stop, Monty,”  Lord BQB said as the Maester set down the rickshaw he’d used to carry his Lord from the shores of Casterly Rock all the way to Riverrun.  “I’m just saying, you know, all of these bumps along the road.  They’re very unsettling and causing me to spill my…what did you say this clear, tasteless liquid was called again?”

“Water, sir,”  Monty replied as he heaved the handles of the rickshaw onto his decrepit shoulders and marched forward.

“Blech,”  Lord BQB as he took a swig from a jug.  “Disgusting.  We must recover my Special Edition Code Red Dew of the Mountain without delay.  Mush, Monty, Mush!”

“Mushing sir,”  Monty replied.

They continued along the King’s road for hours until a question popped into Maester Monty’s mind.

“My Lord, if I may be so bold, why have you never married?”

Lord BQB bit into an apple and winced.

“Yuck,”  Lord BQB said, ignoring the question.  “People really eat these things, Monty?”

“Indeed sir.  They’re considered most healthy.”

“The shame of it, Monty,”  Lord BQB said.  “The dirty yeti eating my slim jims while I’m forced to waste away on water and apples like a flea bottom beggar.”

“Yes, but the question sir?”

“Oh yes,”  Lord BQB said as he stared at the setting sun.  “If you must know, Monty.  I am partial only to a particular type of woman…one that is difficult to locate.”

“Elaborate, sir?”  Monty asked, as he struggled to not collapse under the rickshaw.

“I like big women.”

“Oh my lord,”  Monty said.  “Surely there are many fine corpulent ladies throughout the Kingdom that you might choose from.”

“No no no,”  Lord BQB said as he tossed the apple core at Monty’s head.  “I don’t mean big in that way, though this Lord has nothing against a bit of junk in the trunk as it were.  No, Monty, I prefer women tall in stature.  My whole life I’ve waited for a beautiful extra tall amazon to sweep me off my feat, provide me with all of the love and care that I deserve, and most importantly, be willing to hack my enemies to pieces.”

“That will be a tough woman to locate indeed, my Lord.”

Join House Bookshelf!

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Apr 16 2015
9 Comments
Self Publishing

A Post Making the Rounds of the Self-Publishing World

You know that 20th “Buy My Book!” tweet you tweeted today?  You might want to rethink that strategy:

Delilah S. Dawson of whimsydark.com – “Please shut up: Why self-promotion as an author doesn’t work.”

Personally, I think she makes a lot of sense.  I don’t think in today’s modern world you can completely go without marketing (and I didn’t get the impression she’s saying that) but on the other hand, you can’t rely on it either.

Marketing and a Book worth marketing – they go hand in hand.  Sometimes we market so much that we neglect our writing altogether.

What do you think, 3.5 readers?

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Apr 16 2015
2 Comments
Game of Yetis

Game of Yetis – Part 4 – House Yeti

Previously on Game of Yetis:

PART 1 – House Bookshelf – Lord BQB hides out from the War for the Iron Throne, coming up with various excuses as to why he’s been unable to assist various claimants to the throne all the while positioning himself to declare allegiance to whoever emerges as the victor. Alas, a complication in his plan arises when a band of Yetis under the control of Lord Yeti abscond with his supplies of snacks and Dew of the Mountain.

PART 2 – House Yeti – Lord Yeti of House Yeti, the ruler of Yetifell, a territory North of the Wall, where abominable snowmen love to frolic because it is ridiculous cold, mocks his son Yetyrion, calling him a dwarf because he is 6’5″ (which is really short for a Yeti).

PART 3 – House Bookshelf – The usually not so easily rattled Lord BQB is enraged when he discovers that his supply of Special Edition Code Red Dew of the Mountain has been stolen by dirty yetis in the employ of Lord Yeti of House Yeti.  Unable to purchase an army of eunuchs because Daenerys Stormborn bogarted them all, he turns to his trusty banner men.  Alas, they were only in it for the Dew of the Mountain and now Lord BQB must fight this battle alone.

And now Game of Yetis continues…

It was the best drink that ever rolled across Lord Yeti’s tongue.

Not because it was particularly succulent…or even delicious.  He’d had better.

The Dew of the Mountain tasted so good to Lord Yeti because it was the property of his sworn enemy, one Lord Bookshelf Q. Battler.

“Father,” Yetyrion said.  “Why do you despise Lord BQB so?”

Lord Yeti grunted and sipped from a chalice filled to the brim with fizzy goodness.

“Is it because Lord BQB is ridiculously handsome?”  Yetyrion asked.

“What?”  Lord Yeti said.  “No.”

“Do you hate Lord BQB because he is exceptionally clever?”

“Lord BQB clever?”  Lord Yeti asked.  “Please.  I’ve seen yeti droppings with more wit and wisdom than that hack.”

“Jealousy then is it?”  Yetyrion asked.  “You’ve been bitten by the green eyed monster is a God among men?”

“Did Lord BQB write these questions for you?”  Lord Yeti asked.

“No,”  Yetyrion replied.  “Umm…maybe.  No.  No he didn’t.”

A hundred roars filled the castle walls, warning the supreme ruler that trouble was afoot.  Lord Yeti walked the spiral staircase all the way to very top of Castle Yeti, which overlooked the frigidly arctic wasteland that sprawled its way north of The Wall.

“Why have you roared an alarm?”  Lord Yeti asked.

“My Lord,”  the commander of the banner yetis said.  “Look!”

Lord Yeti peered through a spy glass to see a thousand white walkers trudge their way toward Castle Yeti.

It was a sight so unusual that Lord Yeti dropped his chalice of pilfered Dew of the Mountain, allowing it to spill all over the stone floor below.

Yetyrion finally made his way up the staircase to the rooftop, only to find his father and a band of awe struck yetis.

“What’d I miss guys?”

Yeah I know. It's a bear.

Yeah I know. It’s a bear.

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Apr 15 2015
5 Comments
Game of Yetis

Game of Yetis – Part 3 – House Bookshelf

Previously on Game of Yetis:

PART 1 – House Bookshelf – Lord BQB hides out from the War for the Iron Throne, coming up with various excuses as to why he’s been unable to assist various claimants to the throne all the while positioning himself to declare allegiance to whoever emerges as the victor.  Alas, a complication in his plan arises when a band of Yetis under the control of Lord Yeti abscond with his supplies of snacks and Dew of the Mountain.

PART 2 – House Yeti –  Lord Yeti of House Yeti, the ruler of Yetifell, a territory North of the Wall, where abominable snowmen love to frolic because it is ridiculous cold, mocks his son Yetyrion, calling him a dwarf because he is 6’5″ (which is really short for a Yeti).

And now Game of Yetis continues…

When Joffrey took the head of his good friend Ned Stark, Lord Bookshelf Q. Battler didn’t cry a tear.

When his old roommate Theon Greyjoy (from that semester at Winterfell Tech) had his, um, appendage removed, Lord BQB chalked it up to “cost of doing royal business.”

When Lord BQB heard that the Stark family was butchered at the Red Wedding, his only comment was, “That must have made the chicken dance awkward.”

Whether Lord BQB was cold or if he’d just grown accustomed to life in a cold world is a question for the ages.  Needless to say, he was a lord who was not easily rattled.

But when Lord BQB saw his supply room bare and a band of filthy yetis running out the back door with his barrels of Dew of the Mountain, he bellowed a terrible scream that was heard all the way up to the wall, down as far as Dorne, and it even made its way across the Narrow Sea.

To this day, there are Dothraki who, during rare moments when they aren’t fornicating or beating each other senseless, ask, “What was that guy yelling about?”

“MY DEW OF THE MOUNTAIN!!!”

“There there,”  Maester Monty said as he patted Lord BQB on the back.  “There will always be more Dew of the Mountain.”

Lord BQB sniffed and looked up at his trusted elderly confidant.  “But it was the Special Limited Edition Code Red Dew of the Mountain.”

“Oh my,”  Maester Monty said.  “That is a travesty, my Lord.”

Lord BQB stood up, withdrew his sword, waved it high in the air and proclaimed, “In the light of the Seven, I shall hack every Yeti I see to ribbons until I get my Dew of the Mountain back.”

“A tall order, my Lord,”  Maester Monty said.  “Yetis are fearsome beasts.”

“You’re right,”  Lord BQB said.  “We’ll need back up.  Send a raven across the Narrow Sea to that place where the Khaleesi gets all her Eunuchs.  What’s it called? ‘Eunuchs R Us?'”

“I’m afraid word has it that the Khaleesi had her dragons burn up the slavers who produced the Unsullied,”  Maester Monty said.

“Confound her hide!”  Lord BQB shouted.  “Isn’t that convenient?  She takes all the Eunuchs for herself, then burns up the Eunuch store so nobody else can have one!”

“Perhaps your banner men might assist you?”  the maester asked.

“Of course!  My banner men!  They are zealously loyal and will follow me to the gates of hell if I ask them!  Quickly!  To the barracks!”

Lord BQB and Maester Monty walked all the way to the living quarters of the Shelftopia banner men.  It was completely bare, save for the following note:

Dear Lord BQB:

We was only in it for the free Dew of the Mountain, we was.  Now that you ‘aint got any, we’s goin’ splitsville we is.

Sincerely,

Your Ex-Bannermen

“Blast!”  Lord BQB said.  “You just can’t get good banner men these days!”

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Join House Bookshelf!

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