Tag Archives: bookbloggers

Feb 19 2015
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Movies

Attack of the Killer Mutant Fish 2 (Casting Call)

As discussed yesterday, when I was approximately ten years old, give or take a year, I penciled in a notebook my first novel, Attack of the Killer Mutant Fish.

Now that I’m a big time blogging mogul with 3.5 regular readers, including my Aunt Gertrude, I have the resources to turn this novel into a major movie production.

Recently, I held a casting call.  The following actors read for the part of Fred the Pet Store Owner, who, as discussed yesterday, shoots all of the fish.  Why a pet store owner had a gun, I don’t know.  But it wasn’t because when I was ten I was a lazy writer.  I purposely left it up to the reader’s interpretation.

AL PACINO

Hoowah!  You little fishy finned cock-a-roaches think you can come into my establishment and eat my customers?  If I was half-the man I was twenty years ago, I’d take a flamethrower to this place!  Say hello to my little friend!

Al, my people will call your people.  Next:

MATTHEW MCCONAUGHEY

Alright, alright, alright.  Hello there kemosabes.  Listen, y’all need to just take a deep breathe and chill out.  Take off your pants and bang on some bongo drums.  All this?  Right here?  This life?  All of this interaction?  This is all just a trick.  We’re all just sentient meat, fooling ourselves into thinking that our base thoughts and emotions actually matter, when in the grand scheme of things, they really don’t.

Don’t call us, Matthew.  We’ll call you.  Next:

DWAYNE “THE ROCK” JOHNSON

CAN YOU SMELL WHAT FISH THE ROCK IS COOKIN’?!!

God Sakes Alive, you have to be old as shit to get that joke.  Next!

ROBERT DENIRO

You bloopin’ to me?  You make those little puckery bloop bloop fish faces and bloop at me?  Well, I don’t see anyone else around here, so you must be talkin to me!

I don’t know.  A solid performance, but I just picture Fred being younger.  Next!

CLINT EASTWOOD

Go ahead.  Make my filet.

(Cymbal tap – ba dum bum ching!)  Sorry, I said younger!

JESSE EISENBURG

Um…yeah…um you…you…you know I didn’t ask for any of this.  I’m just a guy running a pet store.  I keep the pets fed and if someone wants a pet I sell them a pet.  But…but….but…this?  I’m not prepared for this.  Nothing in my life has prepared me for this…this, what is this?  Fish, these Killer Mutant Fish and all they do is run around, trying to eat all the customers?  And how are they walking on land if they need to be in water?

You had it until you started asking questions.

This might be a tough one.  I’ll have to think about who would make for a good Fred.  If you have any ideas, please post them in the comments.  Tomorrow, we’ll be casting for the part of the Mad Scientist.

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Feb 19 2015
3 Comments
Books

What books…

…do you want to see on bookshelfbattle.com?

Let me know so that my 3.5 regular readers might benefit!

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Feb 18 2015
5 Comments
Writing

Attack of the Killer Mutant Fish (My First Novel)

I don’t remember how old I was, but I want to say probably around ten, give or take a year.

I wish I knew where it was.  Probably thrown away long ago.

The title?  Attack of the Killer Mutant Fish

The plot?  Fred the pet store owner’s day goes haywire when a mad scientist walks in and dumps toxic ooze into his fish tanks.  I had recently visited a pet store, thus providing me with the inspiration.  Also, I was a fan of the Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles, though had I managed to get a book deal, Eastman and Laird (creators of TMNT) probably would have sued my ten-year old self.

Medium?  Written in a notebook with a pencil in horrible penmanship.

(Cue Bob Saget Narrator from How I Met Your Mother Voice) – Kids, there was a time when not everyone had a computer, or if they did, it didn’t do much.  People weren’t obsessed with snapping pictures of what they had for lunch and sharing it with the world, or writing angry tirades about the waitress who brought them cold food and then posting it on Facebook.  When people wanted to write, they used these things called pencils to make marks on paper.  You know paper right?  Thin sheets made out of wood pulp?  Never mind.

Review? – As Jon Lovitz’ The Critic would say, “It stinks!”  There was a lot of action.  The fish grow to an enormous size.  They try to eat everyone.  Fred shoots the mutant fish.  It was pretty much devoid of any artistic merit.

Or was it?  Yes, come to think of it, it was an avant grade piece way before its time.  It was a grim indictment of man’s futile attempt to conquer nature.  In fact, I wrote that in pencil as a subtitle, right on the first page of my notebook:

ATTACK OF THE KILLER MUTANT FISH

OR, A Grim Indictment of Man’s Futile Attempt to Conquer Nature

By:  Young Bookshelf Q. Battler

I can’t say it had much in the way of character development.  Fred was given no backstory whatsoever.  No wife and kids that were depending on him to earn money as a pet store owner.  He wasn’t a former soldier who botched up an anti-evil fish mission, forcing him to retire and languish away as a boring pet store owner until finally, fate offered him a chance to redeem himself.

And there was literally no explanation as to why a pet store owner had a gun that he was able to use to fend off the killer mutant fish.  Was the pet store in a downtrodden, crime-ridden neighborhood?  Was Fred an ex-member of the Yakuza, and thus he felt the need to pack heat at all times out of fear that he could be attacked by his enemies at any moment?

As for the Mad Scientist, the man didn’t even get a name.  He just walks in, dumps toxic ooze into the tanks, then leaves.  Kind of a jerk, really.  But who was he?  Was he a deranged Chemical Engineer, whose ideas were rejected one too many times by his scholarly peers, so he decided to take revenge and take over the world with an army of killer mutant fish?  Perhaps he was Fred’s arch-nemesis?  Maybe Fred and the Scientist once fought in battle during their Yakuza days and now were clashing again?

Personally, I just like to assume Fred stole the Mad Scientist’s woman.

Anyway, I wish I could find the notebook that contained this harrowing tale.  But this blog post will serve as the treatment, so if any big time hotshot book agents and/or Hollywood bigwigs are reading, let me know if you are interested and also how much money you want to throw my way.

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Feb 18 2015
10 Comments
One a Day Post Challenge

FYI

For your information…I just wanted to make my 3.5 regular readers aware that I am so dedicated to them that I trudged through 571 miles of arctic tundra and punched a Yeti in the face just to get to a computer in time to complete the latest installment of the one post a day for 2015 challenge.

So please keep this in mind when you’re choosing which blogs to follow.  Many bloggers are great.  Few are willing to punch Yetis in the face for their 3.5 regular readers’ benefit.

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Feb 17 2015
4 Comments
Books

Romantic Quotes – Dangerous Liaisons

“Now, I’m not going to deny that I was aware of your beauty. But the point is, this has nothing to do with your beauty. As I got to know you, I began to realise that beauty was the least of your qualities. I became fascinated by your goodness. I was drawn in by it. I didn’t understand what was happening to me. And it was only when I began to feel actual, physical pain every time you left the room that it finally dawned on me: I was in love, for the first time in my life. I knew it was hopeless, but that didn’t matter to me. And it’s not that I want to have you. All I want is to deserve you. Tell me what to do. Show me how to behave. I’ll do anything you say.”

– Choderlos De Laclos, Dangerous Liaisons

The year was 1988 and to be honest, it seemed like a dumb movie.  But it was based on a classic novel, and starred a young Michelle Pfeiffer. It went on to positive critical acclaim – even though it mainly featured French aristocrats in fancy outfits babbling on incessantly forever.

The plot?  A widow and her lover make a bet that the lover can seduce a woman who is pure of heart.  To the lover’s dismay, he actually falls in love with the woman.

People sometimes put physical looks on too high a pedestal, don’t they?  I mean sure, none of us wants to marry a CHUD monster (Cannibalistic Humanoid Underground Dweller – scary film, look it up), but on the other hand, beautiful doesn’t always = nice and or kind.  Shouldn’t we try to get past looks and see what’s in a person’s soul?

I mean, looks are great, but they don’t last forever, and long after they fade, you still have to live with the person, so hopefully they’ll have a decent personality too.

All I’m saying is don’t miss out a good but ordinary looking person to go for someone who may look great, but doesn’t act so great.

I have no idea if my advice is helpful though.  I’m about as romantic as a CHUD.

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Feb 16 2015
14 Comments
Fiction

Bookshelf Battle – An Origin Story?

As my 3.5 regular readers are aware, the name of this blog is “Bookshelf Battle.”

The original jokey premise?  Books are fighting each other for the limited space on my book shelf.

Lately, I’ve been sort of eeking my way into a similar premise, namely, that the characters from the books are fighting each other on my bookshelf.

Because, honestly, how can books fight each other?

Yes!  You thereI  I see your hand up!  What’s your question?

“How can characters from the books fight each other?”

That’s a good question and it leads me to the crux of today’s post.  For the past week, I’ve been internally debating the idea of writing my own origin story.

PROS:  It would finally answer my 3.5 regular readers’ nagging questions:

  • “How did you go from Joe Average to become the noble and mighty Bookshelf Q. Battler?”
  • “How did you come to be in possession of a magic bookshelf where book characters come to life and battles take place?”
  • “Will you ever write a book review again?”

I don’t want to give too much away, but needless to say, the story would involve the characters on my bookshelf assisting me in some type of quest against evil.

It would be good self-promotion.  It might boost me up to 7.5 regular readers.  I might pass the 10 mark.  Part of me hopes I don’t.  I don’t want to change.  I don’t want to get a big ego.  I don’t want to become a jerk and forget the little people who knew me way back when I only had 3.5 regular readers.

I’d serialize it right here on this site, with a new chapter every day for, I don’t, a week I suppose.  I can’t imagine it would be longer than that.  It would help me meet my one post a day challenge for awhile.

Moreover, if I put it out there, I would ask my 3.5 regular readers (yes, even Aunt Gertie) to be brutally honest.  I’d want answers to:

  •  What are your thoughts on my writing style?
  • Can you picture someone who writes fiction the way I do producing something that people would pay money for?
  • How can I improve?
  • Should I just give up on writing and fill my free time with more noble pursuits, like binge watching The Blacklist and collecting seventeenth century thimbles?

CONS

You’re a guy claiming to own a magic bookshelf.  75% of people will have a good sense of humor.  They’ll get it and go along with the premise.  25% will think you’re an idiot.

Personally, “I likes them odds!”

But before I waste too much more time, I’d like to know what my 3.5 regular readers think.  Even Aunt Gertie.

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Feb 16 2015
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Uncategorized

Romantic Quotes – The Notebook

“I am nothing special; just a common man with common thoughts, and I’ve led a common life. There are no monuments dedicated to me and my name will soon be forgotten. But in one respect I have succeeded as gloriously as anyone who’s ever lived: I’ve loved another with all my heart and soul; and to me, this has always been enough.”

– Nicolas Sparks, The Notebook

I already commented on poor Nicolas Sparks’ divorce so I won’t go into it again.  For those 3.5 regular readers who are paying attention – no, I never was able to confirm whether or not Michael Crichton actually made a real, live dinosaur.  I’m pretty sure he didn’t, but I just don’t have any hard evidence one way or the other.  I didn’t see him make a dinosaur.  But I didn’t NOT see him make a dinosaur either.

But anyway – going along with the theme from yesterday (the quote from Victor Hugo’s Les Miserables) – here is another man opining that love is the best experience of life.

Is it?

I will say this – the year was 2004 and the Bookshelf Battler was in a movie theater packed to the gills with women pulling out tissues and sniffing up a storm.  No joke.  No exaggeration.  Sparks’ sappiness made a theater full of women ball their eyes out, and I suppose that’s why he makes the big bucks.  That’s real talent.

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Feb 15 2015
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Poetry, Romance

Romantic Quotes – Les Miserables

Valentine’s Day may be over, but let’s extend it a few more days and talk about romantic literary quotes.  Here’s one:

“To love or have loved, that is enough. Ask nothing further. There is no other pearl to be found in the dark folds of life.”

– Victor Hugo, Les Miserables

Here, Hugo is basically saying that finding love is the best experience of life, and if you’ve ever loved someone, then stop worrying about all of the other things you want to accomplish, because you’ve already achieved the best thing that life has to offer.

Is love the best thing life has to offer?

Personally, I’ve found and lost love, and I argue that fro yo with gummy bears is a more enjoyable life experience.

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Feb 15 2015
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One a Day Post Challenge

State of Bookshelf Battle’s One Post a Day Challenge

Good Day, Bookshelf Battlers.

I am Bookshelf Q. Battler and I am now a month and a half into the challenge I have issued to myself, namely, to post once a day for the year of 2015.

It has been a grueling challenge, but well worth it, as it brings smiles to the faces of my 3.5 regular readers.

I will now take your questions.

QUESTION:  What are the rules of this challenge?

ANSWER:  If you are new to this blog and thinking about becoming my fourth regular reader, the rules can be found here.

QUESTION:  Are you just an a-hole shouting into the wind?

ANSWER:  Indeed I am…and a proud one at that.

QUESTION:  This reminds me of that scene in Mr. Smith Goes to Washington, where Mr. Smith filibusters on the floor of the senate, except Jimmy Stewart had more charisma.

ANSWER:  I think Jimmy Stewart was a fantastic actor.  However, he lived in a time where you’d go knock on Hollywood’s door and say, “Hey Hollywood!  I’d like to work in the entertainment industry please!”  and Hollywood was all like, “Sure, come on in!”

QUESTION:  It wasn’t really that easy even back then.

ANSWER:  No, it wasn’t.  And we even have amazing technology today that allows the common man to make his voice heard.  The problem (perhaps ‘problem’ is not the best word) – the issue is that a whole helluvalot of people are using that technology to make their voices heard.

QUESTION:  So this challenge is your way of trying to scream louder than the a-hole next to you?

ANSWER:  Maybe.

QUESTION:  Have you seen any results?

ANSWER:  Since Christmas, I’ve gained over a thousand twitter followers for @bookshelfbattle – If you aren’t following it, I challenge your nerd street cred.  Visitors to the site are increasing and a Google + site for the blog is going swimmingly.  Join that too if you’re a Googler.

QUESTION:  Has anyone tried to stop you from posting once a day?

ANSWER:  Yes.  The forces of evil do not like this blog.  They don’t want this much awesomeness being brought into people’s blog feeds.  Thus far, they have sent ninjas, aliens, bears, and asteroids after me.

QUESTION:  Have they really?

ANSWER:  I’m typing with my left hand and punching a werewolf sent to stop my blog with my right hand as we speak.  I am a skilled mult-tasker.

QUESTION:  You say odd things, like what you just said about a werewolf.

ANSWER:  I have an odd sense of humor.  Half of the people out there will get it and join in on the fun.  The other half will think I’m an idiot who believes in werewolves.

QUESTION:  You don’t believe in werewolves?

ANSWER:  Um, hello!  I just told you I’m fighting one!

QUESTION:  Surely a werewolf will stop you from blogging.

ANSWER: I’ve trained under the world’s foremost werewolf hunters.  I will be fine.  It’s the werewolf you should be worried about.

QUESTION:  Will anything stop you from posting once a day?

ANSWER:  Absolutely not.  If you can think of a hypothetical scenario that could stop me, let me know, and I will debunk it immediately.

QUESTION:  Are you ever going to review some more books on your book blog?  Because, you know, it’s a book blog.

ANSWER:  I hope to.  Even when I don’t, I do bring in a lot of literary references, discussions of writing, and so on.  All in all, I feel this is a site that the average book nerd with a healthy sense of humor will enjoy.

QUESTION:  Do you have any fun plans for the blog in the months ahead or is it just going to be a lot of obligatory “I like waffles” type posts just to meet the once a day challenge?

ANSWER:  I’m not going to lie.  By the end of this year, my 3.5 regular readers will be well versed in my breakfast food likes and dislikes.  However, one fun project I am working on is the Bookshelf Battle origin story.

QUESTION:  What?

ANSWER:  What life is like as the owner of a magical bookshelf upon which the inhabitants constantly do battle.

QUESTION:  That sounds stupid.

ANSWER:  Paramount already bought the movie rights.

QUESTION:  Who’s playing you?

ANSWER:  Channing Tatum

QUESTION:  No, really.

ANSWER:  Jonah Hill

QUESTION:  No, really.

ANSWER:  Fine.  Danny DeVito.

QUESTION:  No, really.

ANSWER: Alright!  CGI Gollum.

QUESTION:  Anything else?

ANSWER:  Come April, it’s going to be a real Game of Thrones-a-palooza around here.  I treat Game of Thrones Sundays in the Springtime the way so-called normal people do with the Superbowl.  Except, arguably, Game of Thrones is better than the Superbowl, because stuff more interesting than a ball being moved around is happening.  If you’re a GOT nerd, stop by in April.

QUESTION:  Do you always interview yourself?

ANSWER:  Yes.

In conclusion, thanks everyone for following in and joining in on the fun.  Together, we can bring the written word to the masses whilst not being all stuffy about it.

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Feb 14 2015
1 Comment
Videos

Key of Awesome’s “Fifty Shades of Broke”

I love the youtube show – “Key of Awesome.”  If you haven’t seen it yet, you should check it out.

As my 3.5 regular readers know, I’ve been complaining about Fifty Shades of Gray, arguing that its success exposes societal hypocrisy in that if Christian Grey were ugly and poor, it would be a horror film released on Halloween.  But, since he’s rich and handsome, it’s classified as a Valentine’s Day Romance.

Great minds think alike apparently.  Here’s Key of Awesome’s “Fifty Shades of Broke.”  The premise?  Grey loses all of his money in a pawnsi scheme and suddenly all of his “extracurricular activities” lose their appeal for the mousey interviewer.

“I liked it better when you took me to Paris after you whipped me!”

Anyway, Key of Awesome is great.  Check it out.

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